My Belief System

I can believe things that are true and things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true or not.

Neil Gaiman, American Gods

 

Without doubt or any hesitation, I put my faith and belief into certain things that give me peace and make me sane. A huge part of where I come from and my belief system is from my mom, my life and my culture and I am glad she, my life and my culture had a helping hand with it.

I believe in God, religion, astrology, philosophies; many of the ones that Science cannot explain…

I put my belief into them because they give me a sense of reassurance and comfort when nothing else seems to work. I put my belief into them because in dire needs of hope and desperation, I can call out to them and I know they listen. I put my belief in them because I believe and trust that they are with me through thick and thin.

 

My faith and belief make me strong and I know there are people out there who have their own belief system and values, some of them necessarily may not agree with my belief system and I am not forcing you to see things in my way, I respect what you agree, choose and follow; After all, who am I to judge what you believe in… Whatever makes you strong, I am happy and content with it.

I like to respect and see their choices as well without frowning or looking down upon them because I know how it feels and I have seen it, I can tell you I am not a fan of it. So I do my very best to be open to everyone’s choices and wishes and I learn from them and respect them, but there are certain circumstances in which I simply cannot stand by them because some of their beliefs are just plain wrong and I feel they cause the world harm.

 

Coming back to my beliefs, I was inspired to write this because I just finished watching a video on Youtube about tarot card predictions and I do put some of my belief into it. There is a sort of thrill in choosing what card may or may not predict your future and I like to see the outcome.

The video down below is what tempted me to write this post.

 

Watching the video and after choosing my card, I was surprised by how bafflingly accurate some of those predictions were, I knew some of them were going to happen and I guess I needed some sort of assurance for myself to tell me to go through with it. That’s how horoscopes help me as well, they put me to ease and knowing a bit about my future even if it’s a 50-50 chance with them, I still take it because it’s calming to know about what awaits you.

I do not justify my behaviour and my actions by saying that’s what my horoscope says. I do believe in it and sometimes I do find it surprising that things happen the way it does, it’s all about the element of surprise and caution I take from it. It teaches me in a way. It’s like a small guide that is a bit helpful to go on about life. When I feel doubtful about certain things, reading it gives me a push to go and do it. It’s a motivation and a reminder in that way.

 

A few days back, I got my results after my exams and coursework, it was not what I expected, the insane amount of hard work you put in and when the result you get doesn’t match, it’s devastating. You question everything that you have done, you question everything that you have taken, you feel the absolute worst at that moment.

So I talked to my mom and dad that helped me calm down and then I prayed to God and had a conversation with God where I put out all my thoughts; it was more like talking to myself and finding something in it. I questioned God why and I believe something and everything happens for a reason; maybe this was to teach me something, but what? Like the many questions, I dedicated my full day to it as to figuring out why and what I can do.

So after all that hurt and tears, I felt a bit relaxed and relieved. This motivated me to work harder and give it my best as I always have.

 

When I believe in my faith and religion, it gives me peace and keeps me sane. It pushes me to go forward and there is something so comforting and reassuring in knowing there is someone out there who is watching you and protecting you. Sometimes the bad and inevitable might happen, which makes me question the entirety of what I believe in and I do not have any answers to give out, but I still do believe and put my faith into God and my religion.

 

When High…

When high
When high on drugs
When high on weed
A true and genuine experience experienced in one of the most beautiful legal places ever, Amsterdam

Disclaimer: Loads of curse words ahead and sorry for not filtering it out because when you high, you just want to let it go and let it be that way

Adds a more authentic feel to it, does it not?

This is not for everyone and in no way I am telling you to go get fucked up and get high, I am not promoting this.

This is just my experience, me sharing it and me liking it and me not going to give a damn on what people think of me because this means a lot to me and I want to share it with the world

The entire sentences below, I wrote it when I was high and even a small part of the disclaimer to my two of my best friends when I was super high and I am surprised they read through all of it. If that is not dedication, I don’t know what is…

 

We all have what we like, and here we go…

From this point below, you are entering into a time and place where I was high and all these thoughts just came pouring out, there is no structure to it, it just flows out endlessly.

 

Like you know my mind has never been so relaxed before

It’s so calm

Not giving a fuck

You just go into this deep zone
And you fall and you stay there

And then you relax

And then you just stay there, in that zone

You don’t want to let it go
So you let it be and let that peace engulf you

Not giving a damn fuck about anything

Just sitting/lying/walking, doing nothing

It’s so peaceful and so calm

The most simplest words have such a good power on what you feel

Why do people try to write and show it with all these formatted sentences and these symbols behind each word when you can just write without filtering anything

Just write what comes to you
And write and fall

It’s so peaceful and feels so good to be and feel this way

You want to keep doing it

Then you just listen and pay attention to all these tiny details you have never seen before

It feels so fucking good and orgasmic to feel it and be in it

You see everything just as it is

Nothing filtered, nothing covered

You just see without caring a damn fuck on what’s beneath or underneath them

You just see it all in plain colours for once, not in those coloured shades you always had to see

For once just see the world as it is but also think about it, but not in the way it makes you die but in the way it is meant to be enjoyed and questioned with simple curiosity

It’s a beautiful rhythm that is so peaceful

It’s nothing but peace and calm
You want to bask it all in and you want to let it be like that for as long as it can be

It’s good to have these times in life where you for once absolutely do not need to give a fuck about anyone, not even yourself

Just be in that moment and just be in it

With yourself
With people you love
With the world and everything in it

Is this how it feels to be so carefree?
Not to care anymore, not in a bad way, never in the bad way

But in the way that you feel good about yourself and everyone around you

Never care about that chaos the world is in, you are in…

Just letting go

It’s just it feels so fucking good to feel this way right now and you have no idea how it feels being in this state of mind with yourself and your body…
It’s just peaceful and I have never been so easy to let it go and now that I have done it with loads of help from weed and a place where it’s legal.

It feels fucking right and I wish I could feel this way every day but I am not going to sulk on it because I simply can’t sulk and be sad because those feelings ain’t in me when I am like this; all peaceful and happy, the happy where you are happy and at peace and just being yourself with and the world is in the right balance and fine…

I feel that how much ever I write, it’s simply not enough because no matter how much you want to try to put it all out in words, there are some moments in times you have to be in and live through that so you know how it feels

I know these authors and poets and writers do it and have it all worked it in out in their novels, poetry, and words but some of them just have to be lived through and now that I am living in it, I can tell you it feels fucking amazing

I love words, don’t get me wrong, words are my identity and symbols and my source and interpretation and everything that it is to get it all out, but sometimes it’s funny how those words can also not be enough

 

I know there is no such thing as perfect according to the world but perfect times do exist and this time right now is a living breathing moment

Being happy with the way you are
Being happy with the world as it is
Seeing the world in the colours they always were in and not trying to figure out what each of those colours or signs mean
Just seeing and breathing it in and for once and not worrying about yourself and everything around you
Just so peaceful

 

And you know I am trying to get those feelings in which you trap yourself in that chaos which destroys you but I simply can’t at this moment because that’s how high I am right now

Like how fucking great is that?!
Living life at that pinnacle is truly damn peaceful

I won’t lie that I am feeling 0.000000001 chaotic but that’s just another added beauty to it because all my peaceful feelings are just dusting it away and throwing it into the wind where it gets lost into all the other mixtures of chaos leaving me in this universe of peace and calm and tranquility

Yes tranquility is the word I needed and now that I have it
I am going to end this now

Wow I have written a lot
When I come to my senses and away from this feeling
Away from leaving this feeling and place
Damn I am gonna always wonder how I was when I wrote this and it’s such a good memory to hold on to and listening to my playlist while writing this is such a beauty

And I truly do apologize for writing all of this when I am high but hey I fucking love it so meh

Imagine for each time I get high
I write about different topics and different feelings with each time I get high

Just that one thought, one topic, one feeling and focus on that one sole thing and let it all pour out…

The things that are going to come out and I can find out

Wow now that’s just pure genius and pure simplicity

You know you just want to get it all out when you feel this way because you never know when you can have that chance again

So right now I am going to try and just let it be with myself and the place right here because who wouldn’t love some of that mystery and peace to one own’s self

Out of the many in the galaxy, only you and I know now

(The following thoughts next morning when high, traveling back to Nottingham through the coach and looking at the world outside)

 

You know when you listen to music when you are high
You hear everything so clearly
It’s so clear
The voice, the words it’s so clear and you can finally see it all

It’s so good and right to finally hear everything they meant us to hear

There was this tunnel we all were passing through
And it was dark and the light stood there illuminating the tunnel
And passing through it was so calm
I saw everything so clearly
The lights in the dark
I heard everything so peacefully, the lyrics, the beats, everything in the song I heard so clearly and vividly
I saw everything so slow, not the painful dying slow but the slow that is filled with grace and calmness
Where your eyes just focus on what’s in front of you and nothing else
Not giving a damn about anything else

Damn it was good

Every song seems to melt into the mood I feel right now
Every lyric seems right in this time right now
It’s such a beautiful time indeed

It’s always going to stay the same
This way I feel right now is always going to be in my heart as a beautiful memory and everything in it is true

 


-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Thank You For The 100!!

 

It happened!!!

100 wonderful readers are following this page and I thank you all so much for following this page and being a part of it!!

I am so happy and I personally thank each of you for making this happen!! I look forward to welcoming more of you and I can’t wait to explore and write more and read all of your responses and takes on it!!

 

Do keep spreading the love and sharing it!!

And once again Thank You All!!!!

giphy.gif

Somewhere along the past…

( I do not remember when I wrote this, but when I read it, I knew this was me at one stage in life, probably around last year or might be in 2017 and I was helpless…

When I am stuck in moments like these, words pour out of me without myself putting any thought into it. I write and write until my heart and mind are pleased or relieved… When I later read those pieces, I am often astonished by the depth, seriousness and introduces me to a new side I haven’t met before. This side of me stays hidden and comes out when I am in deep thoughts or stuck in moments where everything fails except for words…

I have never felt more like a stranger to my own self when I read this.

I have decided to post more of these and express myself more for myself… I do not want to hide behind my fears… )

 

What has become of me? Right now at this very moment, I am confused and in a dilemma at all times. I am in a tough spot some of the times, maybe the majority of them. The world and the people in it are all a puzzle now. I seem to not understand what makes me me. It all seemed so simple back then, what happened now?

I can assure you it’s not life what has happened. Something else has changed and I can’t seem to put a finger on which part of the equation I have to fix in order to get out of this hole.

It was all easy a few moments before and now in the blink of an eye, I seem to be standing at no crossroad. I now stand at a path with various disruptions and continuations to many other paths. These new places and people confuse and intrigue me, reinventing myself at this point is not what I look for right now.

I feel like I have changed for the good in some aspects of myself. Change is a risk.

I would like to think it’s been good yet a tough ride to self discovery and achieving. I am honestly tired of it all.

Everything is a constant change.

Never have I felt more alone and complete at this point. I feel vulnerable yet strong somewhere along the lines.

I tend to finally feel at peace when I listen to songs that my soul cries out to in the nights.

Solace and quietness is what I look forward to now.

I feel like I have been real this entire while but there is also a constant void and lost sense of feeling that always lurks around. This feeling has partially consumed my body.

It won’t take too long for it to completely dissolve within myself.

I have brought out these new feelings in me which I am not used to. For the better or the worse, I do not know.

The most beautiful heartbreaking feeling in this universe is to keep all those pouring soul tearing emotions and thoughts in.

I want to tell it out but I don’t know how and I feel like I would lose some part of myself if I do that.

I have so many contradictions within me. There are so many undiscovered aspects of myself I want to know about.

Home has now become a confusing word. I feel nowhere at home except in the arms of my mom.

I wish I could hold onto everything that I love and not let it go.

I am tired of questioning myself. These questions now seem to wear me out.

Insecurities, fears, doubts have now established as a strong foundation in this body of mine and the process of discovering who I am beneath all this is in its works and is a long way.

There is a void in me which I don’t know how to fill

After all, Nothing is ever as it seems with me.

Why do time and life have to get in the way of it all?

 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Under the weather

When one feels under the weather, you know what they crave for the most?

Some warm soup and good TV to turn that dying cough into a tiring laugh…

Jokes aside and yes the above was a joke attempted and now you know how bad my humor is. Apologies for that, I am not feeling up to the mark as I am currently ill whilst writing this.

It’s a rainy day outside and I have shut the drapes to a close as I do not want my mind to lure into taking a walk outside where it’s cold, windy harsh and rainy. Not quite the perfect antidote to cure the sick, if one intends to get more sick than before, I suggest you do the above, if you live in a hot country, go under the shower, take a bath for the whole night and do not dry yourself up. You might get a cold, I haven’t tried that one yet. Tell me how it goes or not…

There it is, dry humor to avoid writing what I really feel now. Never had that problem before. This sickness keeps getting worse and tiring by each agonizing minute.

I feel like a sick and needy Sheldon and I like it… Dear Lord…

tenor.gif

 

As I mentioned before, I am sick, I have caught myself a little cold and I could feel my body plummeting down to the bottom of the pit where it feels impossible to get back up. I have also got the scratches as in my throat is scratchy and I dislike it because it pains me to swallow and well talk…

Despite all of that, I went for my lectures because I decided I did not want to fail in life and after seeing the lecture slides the day before, I realized I have the IQ of a peanut when it came to that module. So getting up today and dragging myself to campus for a lecture at 10 which talked half an hour to reach is quite the work in itself when you are sick…

I have brought some medicines for myself and I am a bit better than before. I can stand on my feet and walk for a few minutes without having the urge to slumber in my bed for the rest of eternity. That’s a success…

Throughout this day, one thought lurked around wherever and whenever my mind decided to divert itself. It was a soul-crushing reality smacking saddening thought that tore me.

Given the circumstances, I have granted myself permission to be on the exaggeration scale as my brain isn’t in the right mind to filter every thought that it went. My fingers are typing every thought that my mind is coming up with and they too have lost the game because they too have been infected by the plague that is taking over my almost lifeless body…

( How sick am I?)

Let me get to the point before my brain yaps more…

Why I started writing now was because I am trying to get myself to sleep and I can’t bring myself to sleep. So I tried to hold a book and bring myself to read it but now it’s simply resting on my belly untouched…

So the best way to describe how I feel is by words.

To tell you the truth, I feel sad, lonely, very cold and tired… It all started when that sneaky little cold caught up to me when I least expected it, and that was the Rookie mistake one. I was weak and it resided in me.

Rookie mistake 2: The heart’s desires and the mind’s compulsive obsession to ponder on everything that has the power to wreck me which is sadness.

I wish my parents were here or I was there back home so that I could just be sick and we’ll have taken care of. The love and care that you get is just a cure in itself. It’s part of the healing process, and over here I have to do the Adulting and Studenting (MADE UP WORD kids, do not blame me if you use it in your school or essay and teachers yell at you. Warning had been given. Do not choose to ignore, otherwise choose to face the wrath) all by myself. It’s too much for a sick child in an almost adult teenager’s body to handle.

When you are sick, you just want to sleep and not care about whether the world exists tomorrow or not because you are simply too god damn tired to think so. When you are sick, you want your loved ones to be beside you and take care of you… You just want to be home and be taken care of…

 

(Searching for the pictures below of parents taking care of kids when they are sick made me even sadder and reminded me of the fact that I was alone. So no picture)

 

I want my mom to cuddle me and lie down next to me saying I am going to be fine and gently kissing my forehead whilst placing ice cold towels on my forehead to bring my fever down. In the evening, I want to get up from sleep and sit next to my dad and talk and watch some TV with my family while my dad cuddles me that makes me warm. As night approached, I want to be covered in a heap of blankets prepared by my dad and sleep.

I want all that here but I can’t have it…

You get that sick day off back home but here, I can’t give that to myself because obligations and responsibilities come knocking down the door and force you to dress up and be ready.

Why did my almost teenage years have to end so soon? Why come a time when you are plunged into that world of making it on your own? Why can’t I just be where I want to be with the loved ones all in one place? Why can’t I have it all?

Over here, I have to wake up because I need to go for the lecture, if not I will get screwed. Then I have to take care of my own health which means figuring out what food to eat, making it or ordering it, then going to Uni which is the worst because I have to walk for 15 minutes to catch a bus and then go to uni… And later I need to go to the pharmacy to get some antibiotics because I wish to get better and not die from this sluggishness. And lastly, I just wish my parents were here to help me with all that.

At times like these, you know the sadness and the desperation of having someone with you, especially those you love and who you want…

But despite all this, you know what this has taught me: I am strong and mighty and I can make it even if I am on the verge of dying. It’s never easy but I can do it, with a few complaints along the way because that’s how I roll. That is the only one good thing I am taking out of the bad lot.

#Livingthesickunilife 

The lesson of the day: Being sick sucks and kids take care of yourself.

Enjoy while it lasts…

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Hearing Voices and Seeing Things

I hear voices, voices that are familiar calling out to me, calling out my name in a playful tone. It teases and taunts me in a manner so serious yet so playful… Why?

Sometimes it’s natural and it seems it’s meant to be there.

Sometimes these voices sound like my mother, most of them are my mother. Then I hear voices of strangers, voices of strangers I have once heard in a crowd and then forgot. Then I hear the voices of my friends or acquaintances call me out when I am in my deep thoughts or about to slumber.

These voices do not say much, all I hear is my name loud yet faint escape from their lips. It does not scare me at all because I somewhat believe they are a manifestation of my mind or a really super cool ability of some sort and designed for some purpose because if it supernatural related to ghosts and demons, I think I might die because I have no faint clue on how to deal with that.

At times I do hear conversations but very faint.

These voices intrigue me, is this my own mind playing tricks on me? If it is, then why? Do I miss these voices? Do I miss the company? Or am I insane?

Why do I hear these voices? What is the purpose?

Usually, I am a person who is scared of the supernatural and the unknown. In no manner do I find them intriguing… I am intrigued by the existence of supernatural creatures such as werewolves, banshee, vampires and do wish they were true.

But these voices are not supernatural, they are just there existing and maintain their balance in this universe. They are with me, they travel with me, they are there in me?

I find them fascinating and very intriguing. Why?

When I rub my eyes too hard, I always find that amidst the black, dots start to appear, colourful dots emerge and form shapes, sometimes of humans or of animals. It really does shock me but also truly surprises me, how is that possible? The people that I see are familiar and not familiar.  Sometimes it’s of the galaxy or so I think it is.

I love to see what unfolds every time I rub my eyes too hard, it’s a world of its own when I do…

 

I guess this is a part of my mind that works differently or are these manifestations of my subconscious?  

Are there any hidden meanings or symbols in them? If there are, what is expected of me to do and why? 

Do others see or hear them? Does every being have different ways or abilities similar to mine or way different?

Are we all part of something, for the better or for the worse?

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Farewell to my humble abode…

18th December 2018, this day was surely faced with a  mixed bag of emotions. On this day, I received the wonderful news which was at first devasting because me being me, I never ask for the whole details. I really should inquire about the whole rather than the half.

The news was that my dad got a wonderful job in Singapore which means we all had to leave Dubai, my home.

It was THE GOODBYE, I always dreaded and knew would come someday…

So at first, I was devasted because I realised this winter break was the last time I was truly ever at my home and also with my friends. Then it would all be packed off to Singapore… At first, I was not happy and carried a dislike to the place immediately because of you, my home was taken away from me. I had to say goodbye to it. I am not fond of goodbye’s and you made me do it…

A tip to myself and the people out there: Always remember to wait and listen to the whole details rather than staying at the half, and also ask whatever troubling questions you have about the problem. It may surprise you when the solutions are out there immediately. 

I vividly remember this day because I crashed down and broke into huge tears. This was the day I truly realized how much Dubai meant to me and the effects it had on me. It charmed me in and left me bewitched. I have been hooked onto Dubai for long as I can remember. That’s what home does to you. It’s a drug you can’t say goodbye to because it is embedded so deep in your system. You are never truly free from it.

Dubai was what kept me sane and happy. It was what I looked forward to when I came back from uni, indulging into Dubai after my experiences at uni was a comfort. When I had trouble at uni and I was so homesick and troubled by the life there, knowing that I would come back home was what that got me through those tough uncosonalble times, but now it it’s gone… The home and friendship comfort always soothed me, but now it was gone… But there are still ways to mend it…

I found out my dad got a better job at Singapore, so that means goodbye Dubai, my home for 18 years and hello to an entirely different place Singapore. I am looking forward to it, I am really excited to see what it has to offer for myself and my family. My dad and mom are happy and seeing them happy, it makes me happy. A new beginning for my family, I hope and pray for it to be a good new happy fresh start.

All happiness aside, I do feel gutted and upset that I am leaving Dubai, it has been my home for 17 years. I grew up here, lived here, roamed around here, made loads of memories and friendships here, but this wasn’t goodbye forever… The memories would stay on forever… It would always be there in me… I faced many hardships and many happiness from here, it has made me who I am. You were also a good teacher and master to me.

After the crying I did, my parents promised and reassured that I would come back here for my vacations and meet my friends and my home So I am not worried and upset about it, but it truly does suck having your home snatched away. Leaving the place where you call home, and then doing the adjusting process all over again. It takes time for me to adjust to a new place and that was evident when I had to do it in uni. If only, I could have listened before crying, but maybe it was good for me to get it all out of my system. Crying is one of the most effective ways for me to get whatever I have out. Crying is not a sign of weakness, it helps me get it all out and I feel much better. Talking with the right people also helps a lot, so thank you to my mom, dad, and my best friends for being there when I need to talk and for knocking some sense into me.

To my Best Friends out there, we all are growing up, changing, going into different directions and we may not be around for long at the same place. We all might end up in different places, but that doesn’t mean we are going to be lost forever never finding each other. I always manage to annoy and be by them whenever possible, which is through text, calls, and video. They are always there, no matter where I am and where they are. The distance is hard, it’s a huge obstacle, but we are there for each other. There are some friendships that are so strong and worth it, you and them would do anything to be a part of it because it’s too beautiful to abandon and let go. It’s a team effort, not a solo one to make the friendship work.

I knew that Dubai wouldn’t last forever for us. I did have to leave this place for good at some point. Eventually, we all would have to go back to India, but now there is Singapore offering us a bright future for all of us. I am grateful to Singapore for that.

So in a way, I am glad that the sooner it happened, the better. It gave me time to deal with it and accept it. It also gave my father one of the best opportunities. If not, who knew what would happen at that time?

How long can one live in the fantasy? It’s all about the change. That change is from where life gets its thrill from. It thrives on that.

Change is hard, change is easy, different people react to it differently. Accept change and don’t try to battle with it because, with time, that change be it bad, it will leave it’s lingering shadow some time or the other and be it good, it’s going to stick around and be there in your life. “Expect for the unexpected.”

Home is where the family is, right? So I hope that Singapore could eventually turn into a place where I can call it home. I am eager and looking forward to it, but saying goodbye to this place. It’s hard, but I am moving on with it better than I expected to…

Everything happens for the best. That’s what I am going by and sometimes things do happen truly for the best. I am going in it with the all the “high hopes.” (Any Panic! Fans here?) I could relate to that song because that’s also what my mama tells me.

9f2edd7208cc6ffb437ccb118ec80d9e.jpg

 

The last time I am going to be here staying in my home. As I am writing this post, this is my last day in Dubai before I leave back for university. 11th January 2019.

When I come back for my break, it’s Singapore. Hello Singapore, I await you…

Dubai, You have made me happy in all ways you can…