Getting my tattoo done

I got the good kind of excitement nervous nerves now.

My mom and my family well just kept saying it was going to be painful, its not too late to back out. They just kept tensing me up but I know they care about me and they can’t stand to see me in pain, but I am doing it because I want to do this for myself.

I already had one tattoo done, this is my second one out of many more to come

I want to show a part of myself in this tattoo. I have been planning it for not a long time but still been doing the planning for some time and I have never been more sure of anything. I can’t promise you that I am not tensed. I am tensed and scared because well I am doing it on my ankle where the bones are and apparently it hurts, so it has been said by my mother.

So being myself, this time I did not succumb to the chance of googling it. I did not google whether it was going to pain or not and if it pains how much. I am proud of myself that I did not google it.

As time gets closer, I am nervous but very excited. This is something, a part of something that is going to show me, who I am. I guess it’s going to be an easy conversation starter among new folks if they notice my tattoo. They ask what it is and I tell them what it stands for.

They are going to be in for a long ride and so are you because I will be explaining it to you as well. It’s 3:34 now and my appointment is at 4:30 or 5. It might last two hours, kind of scared about that. I am afraid of well the pain a lot because that’s been imprinted on my mind but it’s going to be the good kind of pain isn’t it?

When I get back, I will be marked with another tattoo. Going unmarked, coming back home marked with meaning and passion.

So I am back from the tattoo place and while I was there, I jotted down a few thoughts and sent them to my best friend, my soulie when I was getting it done. I couldn’t be more happier of the tattoo and it means a lot to me and I will be explaining it in an other post.

So these are the thoughts that I wrote down to my friend when getting inked.

My mom had me freaked out but then I guess I was more anxious before the needling I mean I just wanted the needle to start. I was eager to know how it felt because all these thoughts and discussions about it paining so much, it just felt tiring. That panic before getting tattoed, you know like when will the needle come and all that and is it going to hurt and all that panic made me more scared and nervous but now it’s cool.
 
It does sting and burn a bit but then it goes. You know when she takes the needle for like a brief pause, and then she puts it again For some reason I find it pains I guess it’s the shock when it hits again
You know when she takes the needle for like a brief pause, and then she puts it again For some reason I find it pains I guess it’s the shock when it hits again

I am also planning to get this one more tattoo done, that’s going to take place after a long time 
I really wanted to do it after masters, but it’s quite big and like I don’t want to get really big tattoos before I get married.
So I thought I would get that tattoo after my marriage cause my parents are cool with it 

I guess you know the thing about this tattoo is that it takes so long. The wait is now part of the pain.You just want to get it done with, but you also want it to be perfect and well not wrecked cause it’s gonna be on your body forever or until the day you die. 

And also it pains but not that much. It’s like a ticklish pain It’s like intense penning. You know when you draw on your hand intensely with a pen. It’s like that but there are some places where it pains but then it goes. It doesn’t actually pain that bad. You get used to it and for a while I liked it. 

I can’t wait for you to see it

These are the maximum clarity I could get, I really wanted to upload a video but there is some issue with uploading videos. Security reasons apparently.

So this tattoo means a lot to me because each charm on this bracelet symbolizes a part of my personality and what I believe in and what I love and also who I am. 

The dots mean that there is more to come, I am going to evolve and change. That is why I did not do it as one single line around because that would mean it’s closed which is why I kept the charms on the dotted lines.

The joker stands for a fact that I love movies. Movies and shows are a huge part of who I am. The Joker also represents that there is a chaos and madness that runs in me but there is also good in me as well. I feel like many of me is an emboidement of many characters that I have watched on shows and movie. I am inspired by these characters that I watch. The reason I chose Joker to represent I love movies because he is such an iconic figure and I love him.

The book stands for my love for books, stories, writing and creativity. It is through them I decided I wanted to have a future in the literature field. 

The plane stands for my passion to travel and discover the world and always being curious of everything even if I don’t show it.

The building and the planet stands for the outside representation of me. The building stands as what people view me but the windows and the planet mean there is a whole universe inside of me. There is more to me that people and even my best friends and family will never know. It also means I love the city but am also a nature gal as well. It means home, friendships and family to me as well. 

The music notes stand for how much I love music and how much it helps me as a get away and also those are the notes to my favorite song in the entire world, Maps by Maroon 5 and these notes are also there in a similar pattern to another song Stockholm Syndrome by One Direction which was the start to me loving them and well the start of listening to more of English songs. They also have the same notes in a similar pattern to the start of my favourite Band Panic! At The Disco’s song Miss Jackson which got me into them!!

It’s total of 5 charms bound by a bracelet making it 6 because I love even numbers. ♥️

Dreams

I am a fool for dreams. I am utterly and completely obsessed and in love with dreams.

Dreams are like a comfortable dress, they are laces of wavy soft fabric stitched onto my mind. My dreams are like cloths of different colours layered one after the other making it very flowy and intricate.

They are like a hot air balloon that I hop on to so that I could see the magic of the land above.

I hold on to them and they let me fly into a world that is filled with fantasy.

Dreams are both a curse and boon, sometimes you can chase after these dreams hoping they might turn true eventually or you could just chase them and live in the fantasy and not accept the truth or you could just quit it all and move on to the next dream.

I have dreams, I like to dream. It’s like being in a movie when I am asleep, or going off to a different universe where time works differently altogether. It’s a nice concept.

There are new and familiar faces in my dreams and there are new, horrifying, creative, passionate and unique stories out there that are waiting to be played as soon I go to sleep.

However there are some dreams that often have the same theme going on and on over again. Why? I guess it’s your mind and heart telling your deepest desires and knowing myself, I guess my dreams are the only method to work those out without any complications and repercussion.

Sometimes I do talk and have these cries and screams in my dreams. These are the signs of my nightmares. In very few instances, I do remember my nightmares but many of the times I possibly cannot remember what caused my terrors during my sleep. I seem to wake up without any recollection of what happens. There are times when I am aware of the fact that I have cried and screamed but the others, I am not. I am only aware of it when someone comments about it which then catches me off guard because I can never remember what I dreamed about.

Then there are these dreams that only happen once but they seem too real and you start to question if these dreams are memories supressed down that are now resurfacing up. These type of dreams are the ones where I can’t distinguish whether it was reality or just a dream.

Then those dreams happen where everything is heartbreakingly beautiful and perfect. The story in these dreams are seducing and alluring. The details are perfect and you remember everything even after days and months. You couldn’t be more satisfied but you wish for a continuation because either you were woken up abruptly or you just want a continuation to this story, to see what lies more.

It is an agony being awake after dreaming of it. You would and will want to do anything to go back to them.

So one tries anything, and I mean anything. I have tried to recreate the same scenario by imagining every detail as it was with nothing changed. I imagine the ending in my mind and then try to convince my mind to somehow incooproate this into the continuation of my unfinished dream, but it has never once worked. I always land up with a different dream instead.

I have also come up with various ways on how it would end or how I could continue it without dreaming but none of it as good as dreaming it.

Those good dreams, I feel they are a privilege that has to be earned.

Don’t you ever wish there was a machine to capture all these dreams that you dream of and then you can watch them later like a movie or be able to dream of the continuation in your next sleep?

Why does one dream? Is it a way to indulge into fantasies that reality cannot deem to offer? Are our dreams the actual lives that we live, when we dream, we go to that world and we live our orignal life and the life that we lead when awake is sort of a stimulation run by someone else?

Or are dreams a sort of drug injected in us by aliens, by humans or by any other creature as sort of an experimentation or do they need us to be in heavy slumber and dream so that they do something to us or the world without our knowings?

An other theory of my dreams are that these unknown faces that I dream of, what if they are actual human beings and we all are somehow being put in the same dream by a force. I see my side of the story and they see thiers, what if we are meant to connect all the peices of the story and the dream to find something?

Why are our dreams being interrupted? Is it because we are capable or on the verge of finding something that is not meant to be found?

How do we know that these lives that we lead now are also dreams? I have a theory that this life what I lead, these people I know, these expereinces I am going through are something that has happened in the past or a sort of stimualtion. When in reality, I am in a choma dreaming of all this.

I end all of this now. I depart off to an other world, to another time to dream and you might find me writing my stories there.

Until next time.

Sometimes my faith shatters and it’s your fault partially

You know what Universe and the Lords

I am disappointed in you guys, why do you have to go out of your way to create disruption and chaos in my life and to those I care about

I am angry at you, I am frustrated because I have no other explanation

I have no one else to blame but you, solely you, just you

You might think as to why I keep writing about my miseries and sorrows again and again.

You might also think all my miseries and sorrows are the same monotnous old regime but guess what, maybe you could ask the lords above to intervine and request them to bring some aspects of change into my life so that I can write about something new

When good times arise, why is it that you have to stick your foot down at that very moment and create a judgment for you to pass upon my life?

I am angry with you but you know my temper would subside down

I just need to vent out and have an open conversation with you.

I might and will blame you but know that, I never mean these things very seriosuly, I understand why you have to do these things, actually I don’t. I think it’s unfair but like the world says the world is unfair.

I will always continue to put my faith and belief in you but that doesn’t mean once in a while I won’t get angry with you when the waves go rough

I pray to you to get matters sorted out, I pray to you for finding solutions, I pray to you to help me and aid me.

Sometimes I hope you can make it easy for myself and the world, I really do. If you are out there, don’t let this world and the good people descend to choas. There is still hope.

Sometimes people say it all happens for the best or it happens for a reason, but when the absolute worst happens, how can anyone mean that? How is there sense to it? Why does it have to happen when no good reason comes out of it?

Why can’t people just say what’s happened has happened or say nothing at all rather than say it must have happened for a reason or some lame universe philosophy. That does not make things better.

I take action for my responsibility and will not blame you for whatever comes from it, maybe I will vent out but will try to understand whatever happened happened and there is nothing I can do about it. I will live through it like always, sometimes it takes longer than usual, but I will pass through it.

Universe, Gods and the Lords, I will always put my unwavering faith in you because you help me and I find calm and solace with you.

Washing the dishes

Many things are therapeutic to people out there, and thankfully I am happy to have found mine and that is washing the dishes

I like cooking as well, I like to cook for myself. I do not like to put on a show. When I cook for myself, I feel as if there is no one to judge me but just myself. So I prefer to do it that way.

I like watching other people cook and mostly that’s chefs in movies or shows. There is something very exuberant in the way they handle food, pick out the ingredients, the aroma, the whizz in the air, the splitter and splatter of food, the clashes of the cutlery, the whisking, the tossing, the colours, blending in all the ingredients and the final presentation of the food. A wow indeed. It is a very immersive experience. I like it for all that.

After the food, comes the dishes. My favourite part, a part where I am in my zone. I feel very connected when doing the dishes. I guess it lies in the way it makes me feel, very peaceful and calm. It was a welcome ritual that soon turned into a tradition.

I also cannot stand a dirty sink piled up and I need it to be cleaned right away. So I like doing it. It’s a nice responsibilty that brings me joy, very few responsibilites tend to do that.

I roll up my sleeves, take off the watch or not take off the watch and then proceed into the cleansing. My fun begins then.

As I take the sponge with a drop of the liquid to wash the dishes, I run it under a tap that somehow gives me both cold and warm water and I can feel it very distincely on my hand as I wash the dish. It’s not warm or luke warm water that pours but cold and hot in different directions refusing to co exist.

I let the feeling of it sink in as I watch the lather on the plate and then wipe away the dirt and the remains from the plate with several strokes from the sponge. I enjoy the prismatic gleam of the bubbles and sometimes I take some lather in my hand and then blow it off and I am a kid all over again looking at the bubbles in the air. I then squeeze the sponge to release the excess water and the dirt it soaks up and then move on to a new dirty dish.

I pay attention to the sounds that come out from this while I do the dishes. I listen gently to the water that hits the surface of the plate and then to the metal sink. It is with a light force.

As I listen to the tap run, I watch the sponge soak up the water and then pay attention to it as I slowly let go of the sponge draining the water making a swoosh sound.

Even after the dish is clean, I still like to run it under water and use the sponge to gently scrub the corner, surface and sides of the plate.

Very few times, I tend to dry the plates but when I do, I sometimes take my time with it.

I think a lot every time of the day but when I am here with the dishes, it’s just me washing the dishes.

Dish after dish, a steady flow of it. As it comes down to the last dish or cutlery, I know it’s time to start packing up and then get back out there to the world.

It’s a team work when doing the dishes, I love doing it and then my friend stacks it away in it’s respective places giving them all a break from their day’s work. Silence is in the air, we are in harmony. It’s all balanced and in sync.

I do like to keep workstation clean because I cannot stand a mess. So I take a tissue and then wipe out all the dirt from the counters, the sink and then throw it away into the garbage thus putting an end to a meditative session.

I found these two great pieces on washing dishes and one of the title of the piece is washing dishes and by no means I am copying this title because even before discovering this piece, I just wrote it down. These lines below express what I enjoy so much about washing dishes.

Look at dishes this way and washing up isn’t the shouldering of a burden but a renewal of the conditions by which all this — the talking, the eating, the communion — can happen again. (Your closest friends already know this; what more concrete expression of intimacy is there than a friend elbow deep in dirty dishwater, long after everyone else has gone home?)

As a religious person without a religious affiliation, handling a dirty sink isn’t work; it’s a sweeping of the altar.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/04/magazine/letter-of-recommendation-washing-dishes.html

The fact that I am standing there and washing is a wondrous reality.

I’m being completely myself, following my breath, conscious of my presence, and conscious of my thoughts and actions.

There’s no way I can be tossed around mindlessly like a bottle slapped here and there on the waves.

http://time.com/4056280/washing-dishes-stress-relief-mindfulness/

That’s it folks. Give it a chance and you might like it. This is zen if you need it to be. This is crazy if you want it to be. This is nice if you want it to be.

I like watching food related movies and here is why

So I watched Chef, the movie long back and absolutely loved it. What’s not to love, food, making food, the journey, the sizzling and the close ups of making food. It was bomb in many ways and my heart always tends to have a soft spot for food related movies and shows.

An explosion of flavours, visuals and sounds are what always brings me back to these movies and shows.

Watching people cook and make these amazing food are magic. It’s science and art fusion. It also includes responsiiblity and organization. I like how Chefs show their immense love for food through their words and dishes in these movies. Food is one of the ways where everyone can just sit together and enjoy putting aside thier differences and conflicts. Food binds us all.

So recently on Netflix, the Chef Show got released and every episode is an aestehtic appeal of different foods, making food and having fun conversations whilst making them.

The dynamic between Jon Favreau and Roy Choi was absoutely bro friendship on so many levels. It was fun seeing them in the kitchen making these fun dishes and god how I wish I could eat and make them.

Roy being like a parent to Jon when cooking and helping him and also sometime undermining him. Hahaha. It was cute to watch and Jon being so curious and inquistive and saying “May I” to trying out new techinques in the kitchen or just following the chef. It was nice to see him so curious and interested to learn and cook.

I personally loved the second episode because the special guests were Robert Downey Jr, Tom Holland, Kevin Fige and the Russo Brothers. It was perfect and being an avid lover of food and Marvel, it was perfect.

There is also this one episode where they make the iconic dishes from the movie Chef, that Jon did. Watching them recreate that, oh my holy god. It was the most visually appealing master piece I have watched and watching them make that grilled cheese sandwich, it was bliss. I have tried to make it so many times but fail every single time.

The above clip is not from the show but from the movie. It’s the fast pace action that takes place in their food truck is what I like. Assembling of the sandwich, that melting of that oozing cheese. Oh my and that crunch. Ever since that, I have always been in hunt for Cubanos.

This grilled cheese sandwich is all what I aspire to make in life. Listen carefully to that sizzle when he places that sandwich, look at that golden browning of the bread making it so crusty and crunchy. Crisp on the outside and soft, tender and gooey in the inside. Who does not love a grilled cheese sandwich?

When he cuts the sandwich with that knife, hearing that perfect crunch is the most satisying thing ever!

What I also loved so much about this show is that before making this dish, they reveal what they make. That is present in all the cooking shows but what they do with this is that before making this dish, in a small animatiaon, they deconstruct this dish and show the ingredients that make up this dish. It’s a 2 second clip of the deconstruction of this dish and putting it back together. It just blowed my mind to be honest.

It was enjoying to watch and such a good way to unwind. The only disadvantage of this show was that it made me hungry so much and I only wanted to eat those food and nothing else.

Moving on to my favourite cooking movie of all time, Julie and Julia. What I like so much about this movie is the connection Julie and Julia share with food when they exist in different times. Through food, Julie shares a special bond which Julie who helped her from her soul sucking job. She does so by deciding to prepare Julia’s 524 recipes from her cook book over a course of an year and she maintains her progress and writes about in her blog.

I guess this is why it’s my favourite cooking movie ever. It has all my favourite elements. Writing, cooking, food, comedy and a good tale.

Julie making these dishes were just so connecting, fun and meaningful to watch. I am going to insert some of my favuorte clips from this movie and you shall see why I like it so much.

Having a good conversation over food, finding your spiritual calling.

What’s not to love about this scene? It’s butter, melted butter. How is this not the most heavenly scene? That creamy melted butter and Julie’s voice and words explaining what unfolds is a complete trance. I also love the fact that she writes about it and she has a way with words which just instantly grabbed my attention and makes me love this movie more.

I am a sucker for words and food.

I am proud to say the fact that I have eaten Boeuf Bourguignon. Its because of this dish in the movie that I took the courage to go out, try something new and I am embraced every flavour of it. I usually am very hesitant when it comes to trying out new dishes but that doesn’t stop me from taking the plunge.

In this clip, just look at that wonderful stew in that pot, the steam arising from it as she pours the wine, her explaining the connection she shares with Julia Child in that moment. What’s not to fall in love with?

And would you just take a look at that raspberry and cream. The pink and white colours blending to create the most perfect and tastiest pink dessert ever seen. I can imagine it being the most creamiest tasitest luxiourus grandest elegant piece of food ever put in my mouth.

Watching her complete her great grand success by making a hearty meal for her friends and husband and for herself is the cherry on top to a beautiful sunade ever known to man kind.

That toast and the monologue that takes place over this scene is so touching and emotional and a grand end to a great movie. Her voice so delicate and touching is what pushes it to a nodge.

Some of my other favourites are Masterchef Australia, The Great British Bake off. I do not mind the competion in these shows but what I enjoy so much again is the creative mind of these chefs in making and desigining their food. How they come up with such interesting takes on food and creating a completelty new dish. That is wow.

An other favourite is Ratatouille. My most favourite scene is none other than Remy cooking Ratatouille. Making a simple food but with putting all your passion and heart into it is what makes it the best and so elegant.

Watching Remy cook that dish, showing how to cook, his plating of the dish is just pleasing to watch and then the critqiue dropping his pen as soon as he takes the first bite. Now that is the IT FACTOR. The food hitting him close to home and reminding him of the good memories, watching him enjoy every bite of it and not resisting it’s power. He takes a break from his mean cold persona and just relishes in his food forgetting about everything else.

That is what’s called Being in the moment.

It’s inspiring to watch this movie because it shows no matter how small, big, you are. I like how he proved his worth, his skills and how he took that chance to show who he was.

He was not afraid to chase his dream. That’s a lesson we all can learn and remeber once in a while when we feel upset. Not to quit chasing and working towards our dream.

You can do anything as long as you have the passion and heart into it and also well a tiny bit of luck!

At the end of the day, food is magic created by the Gods and Holy Spirits to cure us from these horrible moments of life. In that moment, when food is there, you think about nothing else. A good time always comes out of food. Food is divine and the people making it are Gods.

I just wish I could just live, sleep and eat food and rest like how the Gods did. What a divine life that would be!

After Death

So, I fall asleep pretty fast or I take ages to hit the slumber. It’s always one of those. So when I take ages to sleep, it always leads to the paths of overthinking and countless thoughts clouding my mind.

Yesterday I started thinking of death and what would happen to my things after my death. Would they be stored in a box somewhere and be kept into the depths of unkown or be savoured or be burnt to ashes or be thrown or be donated or be left as it is?

After death what is supposed to happen to my soul? Is there a heaven, hell or the middle place? Once my mom told me that God was noting down all our sins and good deeds, so that when the time comes, God will know where to put us and that scares me because I have done questionable number of things that might not earn me a spot in Heaven and that’s just the deeds up till now.

Do I start to live an other life in the after world because I can’t imagine my life ending after death for some reason. I want to keep living, I want more of it even after I die because it frighthens me as to what lies ahead after death.

What if I have some unfinished quest, does my soul depart the face of the earth after completing it or my soul just leaves unfinished.

What happens to the people I love? Are they going to be affected by my death? What about me? How can I live without them in the after life? Do I get versions of them where I am or I meet other people and they become my family or do I get to be with my loved ones who have died before and it’s a reunion with them. A Happily Ever After in The After Life. You know like the one in the movie Coco. That was a beautiful movie!! (Insert Tears)

An other intriguing aspect to consider, what if I just disintegrate and that’s it. Nada, Zilch, Nothing. That’s it. Here is the end to Roshni and nothing lies forward.

Sometimes I look forward to death because it’s an escape from all the problems that tie me down but then I fear of what I am going to miss and do not want to die ever and I also do not want my family and friends to leave me and join the after life.

There is so much to look forward to in life. I worry about not living my life to the fullest which is a fear when death arrives. What if I might have not done nothing? How would I feel then? I guess that’s for an other time.

Death is what evokes the strongests of emotions in me. It is an unpredictable factor in our lives and we not know when we are going to succumb to it. We can’t control it and it scares me.

If there is a God Of Death, how does it feel? Does it feel remorseful doing what it does or does it feel like a responisbility. Does it know the consequences of doing so? Does it know it’s being hated? Does it know the value of what it’s taking, what it does to people? Does it select people and if so why? Why does death exist? Why can’t we all just be beings living?

If I had an interview with the God Of Death, it would be very interesting and I would let you all know how it went.

I have imagined the way I want to die, NOT anytime soon. I want to die in my sleep peacefully in my parent’s hands. I want to die in their arms peacefully and happily. Do we not all think about our deaths at some point in our lives?

As I am an only child, I wonder on how am I going to survive the moment something bad happens to my parents. They are my only family and if they go away, I am going to be all alone with no comfort of my family’s presence to love me or to console me when I am upset ot just be there for me and I for them.

I hate having those thoughts but sometimes I have to think about it because it prepares me, I guess in a sort of way to face the fact that it will happen one day and I do not think I will ever be ready for it. God forbids that day come.

When people die, what happens to them. I always think about that. Is that the end or is there something more. I have read theories, seen edits of people in heaven looking down on us and so on.

Once my mom said that, when people die, they become stars in the sky and they look out for us. So when my Aunt died, I always believe that she is the brigthest star in the sky looking out for me and when I look up, I feel relieved and comforted because she is there with me and so are everyone else. I like that.

Death is a very sad being, I see why people do not like it much. It does take away what you love but sometimes sets them free. We should think about that as well. Sometimes death liberates those beings in ways life possibly cannot do.

I try to think about the positive side to death but that above is the only one that comes to mind, liberation of the dead from this world.

Death, I honestly don’t know what to expect of and from you, but please try not be very cruel to me and the ones I care about.

The one where I turned Twenty.

24th May Midnight

I sit here waiting for the clock to strike midnight and it has already stuck. I can’t help but feel not at home and lonely

I feel sad and an impending sense of doom has crushed me as I hit 20. I feel worthy and not accomplished.

I haven’t created a set of goals to achieve by 20, but when why do I feel worthless and unaccomplished?

I feel as if there is no meaning to life

I felt like Joey and Rachel in the moments leading up to turning 20 and after turning 20.

(The below clip was my reaction both internally and somewhat externally. Rather than turning 30, this was my state turning 20.)

I guess one more reason as to why I felt so glum and chum was because right before I hit 20, I was watching a movie called Speechless which is a beautiful romantic comedy and damn I love that movie so much, I have decided to let that movie be in my top all-time favourites.

So when watching that movie, I felt like my life was going nowhere. No love, no boyfriend, no relationship, literally that moment in any romantic comedy where the girl says she is going to die alone and drowns herself in food and alcohol. I had that moment minus the food and drinks and it was not good.

I mean I still love being single and enjoying life and having my best friends but you know those moments do exist when you look at others and wish you had what they had, maybe even something even more special.

I mean I turned 20, an adult now. Responsibilities and obligations soon will bind me, not that I don’t like having them but there are some of those responsibilities  I am not a fan of. I don’t know what they are but I don’t like them already.

Coming to celebrating my birthday at midnight, everyone was there, my family and my friends called me right on the stroke of midnight to see me cut the cake and well wish a happy 20. I swear, they literally in that moment were the reason for a tiny ray of happiness of turning 20.

And as the midnight progressed into the morning, my mom has tears down her face and cries because I am growing old and well then I am going to get married and I am going to go away and all that. So well that also put me off of the fact that I turned 20.

I am always very excited for my birthdays, I love them!! I look forward to my birthdays like it’s the greatest thing on Earth but this year, I did not feel that glistening sense of hope or an excitement towards the adulthood.

I mean I like adulthood, I enjoy the freedom and I look forward to having a job and everything, my own house and all that but comes at a cost of growing old. Have I lived my life the right way? Have I done what I have intended to do?

I feel content and happy with how I have lived life but I always wish I could do more, but I did not have the opportunities back then but now I do and I intend to utilise all of it.

It’s been three days since I turned 20, so far I feel normal. I don’t feel old but everyone keeps reminding me that I am old and I should know this and that and what not. I still don’t like the fact that I turned 20.

I feel like a teenage kid trapped in a teenage kid body living a teenage adult life. Like a Freaky Friday situation.

I have many goals, visions and desires I want to complete and I do hope I can do all of it or at least some of the ones that I really desire.

Thank God, I did not decide to get a tattoo of my birth date on my hand because I do not want to be reminded every day that I am growing old and closer to death.

Here is a toast to Adulting

I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me and dear God, I hope I can bear it.