The Last Day of 2018 at Nottingham

13th December 2018, 1:00 AM

 

Sleep refues to potrude and take over me, what do I do at times like these? I take out my laptop, watch a few shows, listen to some music especially to Panic! At The Disco because they are love, and they are life.

 

Now it’s 10:40 pm, a few hours left to go

I slept for a few hours, after I started to write this post. This girl needs her sleep. After my sleep, I woke up, did my laundry, changed bed sheets, cleared out the garbage and fridge, cleaned the washroom, vacumed the floor, ate food, slept and now continuing to finish this post before I leave.

Looking forward to 2019 because too many exciting things are happening, which I will tall about later in my later blog post.

Right now, I am going to focus on my feelings on the last day of 2018 here, at Nottingham, a place that feels like home now thanks to the “good group of friends” I have. I put them in quotes because, inside joke…… And if my friends read this post, they will kknow about it. Now I know whether you read my posts or not.

So, getting back to my feelings. I feel a bit nervous and very excited to go back home. Why does it feel werid tho? Going back to your own home. It feels like such a long break and then you returning back to your home is a whole sort of process in itself. The whole nervous, anxious bit, the sadness of leaving your friends, the journey and the airplane ride in itself. It is such a pain but it’s worth it.

I try not to think about the time that I have to come back in January because I want to be more of the version of myself where I do not want to worry about every worrying moment of the future, I want to live each day without worrying about every bit. I want to enjoy and live in the time, at the moment.

It’s a process in learning and making.

So right now, I am excited and staring at the clock real hard waiting for the hourse to go by fast so that I can reach home and then pray and hope for the clock to start working really slow when I reach back home. I want time to go as slow as possible the minute I set foot in Dubai.

 

14th December, 1:30 AM

My Last Day.

I look towards the clock tick and anxiosuly wait for each hour to pass by fast so that I can leave for home. I walk around, pace in my room, listen to some songs to kill some time, partciualrly more of Panic! at the disco and Zayn’s new ablum Icarus Falls. Also killing some time by watching some interviews.

So right now, I feel excited, nervous and ready. I am also relived because I wanted to post this piece before I left and now that I have, I feel free and liberated.

The minute it hits 3, I know that I can’t containt it in me anymore. Just one more hour and I am on my way to the airport and then comes the tedious journey.

I am so ready to go back home.

 

 

This feeling

This thought down below is something I have jotted down in the past. This work down below describes how I feel when I get anxious.

 

I woke up with a feeling today

A feeling that hasn’t breached me since a long time

A feeling that never pricked me in this sort of manner

A feeling that I usually get at every point of my day and life but never got it when my eyes woke up to the sunlight

This feeling pounces upon me in the midst of nowhere

I do not know what causes it

There was a sense of dread and wreck havocing my heart and body

I felt anxious and overwhelmed at every step and turn I took

An uneasy darkness took over my heart and mind and I stood there from a distance watching and being helpless

I tried everything that I could, I tried shifting my mind to one thought from an other, I tried to think of things and moments that made me happy

I would have any other feeling rather than this

This feeling was the worst of all

It was dreadful, an eeary sense of bad aura wraps me in an instant

My heart aches and pounds, I am not sure why

I feel it race and each minute gets harder by the second

My breath gets shaky, it doesn’t get easier by the minute, it gets ragged

Nothing much goes on in my mind except for the thought on how do I get rid of this feeling

Every bad thought, lies and moments come to my mind and it keeps filling in

It feels as I am in a tank and with water flooding in making it hard to breathe

I am trying to think of why and what went wrong and is there anything I can do to fix it

I could think of many reasons as to why I feel like this but nothing doesn’t seem to fit the piece in the puzzle

When I am all calm, I try to take a few steps back and look upon the puzzle again, I never realize what made me go into such an anxious mood

Sometimes I do figure it out, and I learn from it but the other times, I don’t know what causes it. So what do I do?

I am exhausted and tired, I do not know what to do and what to think

I am weary of this feeling and I wish and desire to be not burdened by this

I do not want you to get embedded in me

How do I free myself of you?

 

 

 

Capturing it, Breathing it, Living it…

Everyone has those ways to keep hold of something that is close to their heart, a way to remember those moments, a way to go through it all over again. I love how it works. It’s unique to everyone.

Remembering every aspect and detail of those time, memory and moment evoke a different sense of emotion and remembrance.

I have my own ways of playing it back over and over. Sometimes, the details can get a bit hazy, but the memory, time, people, the emotions and the moment always remains the same.

I do it through writing, taking pictures and videos, music, movies and mostly by remembering it all and being in the moment.

 

– Sometimes, there won’t be times where one can quickly whip out a phone and capture the entire moment because sometimes it ruins it. Then also capturing it also helps with making it a memory for eternity.

 

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You don’t get to be in the moment and enjoy it wholly.  All you can do is pay attention to your phone, see it through that and well that frankly upsets me. I like seeing it alive and also record some bits of it. I get the best of both worlds. I want to cherish this moment forever but also see it forever.

Even if I don’t capture it, I will always remember it. But I would be guilty to admit that I wish I had some physical source of watching it again but I would not regret it.

Sometimes, taking videos and pictures is also one of the best ways. Being in the moment, capturing it, reliving it while playing it in the times ahead. Seeing how joyful it was back then.

There are pictures that I take by my friends because I want to remember it or just because I dress up once a rare while, the background looks good. So why not?

There are some moments meant to be captured, some to be enjoyed, some to be meant for both.

 

– Music and movies

 

 

Certain music reminds me of home, my friends, my family, the streets that I have walked through, the memories I have shared with that person who I listened to this music with, or danced to in parties.  The vibes and feelings I wish to have again and live through. It has no bounds.

The playlists I have curated from each memory and story are the ones that I absolutely live for. It’s something of my own, so personal, where each song tells the memories and the emotions. It absolutely is of utter sheer magic because it feels so warm and good to have something of your own in which you can record your moments of life.

Movies, I still remember how different movies I have watched with different people evoke various stories and emotions. Each story had a good memory of its own. The laughter, the tears, the discussions, the fangirling. It was a memory to die for.

In a way through that music and movies, they helped me capture some of the best memories to ever exist.

They make you feel so much more. It’s one of the most intense after effects you experience after reliving it. It all comes down at once and drowning in it is the best. 

Watching the movies and listening to the songs are another experience of its own, combined with it, the memories and the moments you have lived through them. It’s altogether a new found discovery and bliss. 

 

– Writing

 

 

The process that I always find myself falling in love with the most. It helps capture and recapture the feelings in your heart, body, and mind with words. I always find myself good with words. When I can’t get my thoughts straight, I write because it helps me sort out, think and ponder.

It gives me a new found courage and bravery to confront with myself, thoughts and address it. These words help hide my fear but also show it to me.

So when it comes to capturing and reliving it, writing down how I felt, the moment, the people and the world. I learn and understand how I felt through these stories. Writing helps me capture the feelings I experience whilst being in the story. Remembering them from my memories and writing it adds a different feel to it. When I compare what I wrote back then and now, I discover and learn how much has changed. I learn a lot about myself.

When I look back and read through it, the words help me get a deeper aspect.

 

I love to revisit some of the memories and stories I have lived through. They make me calm and happy. I do wish many times that I could go back to them but then I look forward to more good memories and have fun reliving and remembering the stories I had.

There are those nights where my mind keeps me awake and many of the times, it always goes through the routine of remembering many of the things that have played out in my life. 

Sometimes, I also revisit some of the bad moments gone through life to remind myself that bad times eventually do fade away, but they leave a mark. They either charge you for the good or for the bad.

Sometimes, I also remember the embarrassing ones, I do not know why I do, I just simply do.

So that’s it, folks

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

Ideal Reality

The ideal reality, how nice would that be?

The life that you always had created in your head coming to works is quite the desire anyone would love to have.

What would my ideal reality be like?

If I had to describe it, I think using TV shows would be the perfect and apt way because I had grown up watching loads of TV shows especially that of Disney and also those of the Classic American Romantic Comedy and also the family type movies like Freaky Friday and so much more.

But also, I would want some mystery and adventure out of it. More like a double life or so, whatever you would like to call.

I would like to throw in some psycho murder thrillers like Bates Motel, Dexter, Hannibal. I know, but we all have our fantasies.

Or living every life I have dreamed of living.

( PS: I had stopped writing this, because of two reasons mainly, I became lazy and I didn’t know what to write, and well other topics came to my mind, well that’s three. )

 

Why I got inspired to continue with this?
Right now, I am watching total recall, and the concept of this movie is similar to what I am writing and had me thinking about the movie and what I wanted to write in different ways. So I wanted to explore the movie as well as my ideal reality and the theories I have in my mind.

 

Where to even begin with?

Why create such movies which make us ponder and question us on everything?

What if we could create a device that helps our brain and mind to come together to create the stories and world that we want and help us transport to it to make us live it? A machine to create and manufacture every fantasy you had.

Living every life one has ever dreamed of living. That would be the dream.

But how long can one continue to live in the facade of knowing everything is curated by us and none of it is real. Can we deal with this fact? Will it cause a breakdown? Will we lose ourselves and not understand what is real and not real anymore?

 

It’s like Inception. Maybe exactly like Inception.

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Would I want to live a life based on the movie Inception? I find myself leaning more towards a Yes. Why not?

I would love to experience and live the different versions of stories I have orchestrated in my mind at every point of my life and ongoing life. I feel that I might become too obsessed or addicted to that idea and the world which would eventually lead to a distance within myself and the people around me. I think that once I go into it, it might be hard to bring myself back to this reality, the one that I am living in.

Why would I want to go back to a reality when I can have everything that I want in that world of mine? If it’s about unpredictability and thrills, I can create them and choose to forget them giving me the opportunity to indulge them in wholeheartedly and without any clue as to what will happen. Just like how life is.

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Then what would happen to the physical entity present? Would be in a sleep forever because our minds are in another dimension? What happens to our physical entity? If we die here, would we die in there as well or continue to exist as an entity in there forever with our minds living the stories on forever?

Would I also have the ability to change choices if I do something wrong even in the dream world? Anything goes wrong, I can just pause, hit rewind and undo it.

Or perhaps have a machine that records your dreams and then you can have the option to play it back, continue and move on with the flow. Different disks containing different dreams, select your choice and put it in the machine and then play.

 

I always have a thought that this life I am living right now is the creation of my mind. My body must be in a coma but my mind and I are living this life right now. I must have lived this life back when my body wasn’t lifeless, so that’s how I know all these people that I know now, but the rest of the world might be my own creation or something else. Or everything in this life that I have created is a creation of my own.

A figment of imagination come to life. 

Would I want to lose touch with reality and live in a dream forever? It depends but I find myself leaning towards a Yes. I can have everything the way I want it to be and if the lack of thrill and adventures is what I miss, I can add that without my knowledge. I can make it work.

I feel and know for a fact that if I might get too much into my dream, it would start to become an obsession, an obsession that I would be drugged into. An obsession that I would have no longer control of. I wouldn’t lose anyone. I can have the life that I have dreamed of, correct what went wrong, do things right. Give it a start.

I agree with the quote down below. If I can build a dream from my memory, adjust it to my liking, I would soon start to live it and lose touch with what’s real. Maybe, that’s what I want. To lose myself into the dream and to escape from here, this reality of mine.

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What if we all were living in one right now?

We are in the future with our minds tapped and hooked onto a force that makes us see what they want or we want? 

A figment of their imaginations and creations come to life. 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

Doing it on your own

 

I like doing many of the things all by myself. It’s the time out of the day where I get to be away from the crowd and just be there on my own.

This past week, I had to get quite a lot done, so doing it on my own gave me a sense of independence and confidence that I am alright on my own and I can do it.

I feel that sometimes we need to do some things alone, or try to do them alone. It makes us realize that we can make it on our own.

Sometimes, after an eventful day, I go to this small restaurant that my dad and I went to, sit on the regular booth and have a meal all by myself. It makes me feel happy and at peace. It’s just me. I am okay with eating by myself at a restaurant, that doesn’t mean I don’t have friends or am lonely. Sometimes it’s just what I need.

I like to go to the movies alone at times as well, I used to do that at home. It’s not because none of my friends were there to go to for the movies. Like I said before, having alone time is sometimes what I need the most. I get to enjoy my thoughts and my presence. But that doesn’t mean I enjoy it always. I do it when I feel like I need a break.

I like to take the bus, sit and just take a few rounds. Go to the city and explore and walk around aimlessly not worrying about anyone but me. It feels good to sometimes let go and just focus on yourself at that moment. No one but just you.

Going for walks has also become my favorite way to spend some time alone. It feels nice to walk around with your headphones cranking up to those songs and walking. It truly feels blissful.

 

I feel happy”

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One of my main wishes is to Travel Solo. I want to know how it feels to explore an other country, it’s places and culture on your own. Just you and the whole world left to figure out. There will obviously be highs and lows, but that’s the challenge. To conquer it. I feel that you understand more and discover new aspects of yourself.

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When I feel like I am losing touch with myself or am not happy, I just take some time out, reflect and think.

Sometimes, you want to do things by yourself and not with your friends. You just want to do it by yourself. So how do you get around to doing it? Honestly, I never figured it out. So I do not do it, because doing it with my friends is another sort of experience and a special one and it means a lot to them.

But what if you had plans of the same sort with your other friends? What to do then? Do what feels right and you think is right and the best for everyone and yourself.

 

So I would like to end on a final note by saying that go out and explore the world and yourself. It’s alright if you want to do it with others or by yourself.

As long as you are in the right mindset, happy and free, then you got nothing to worry about.

Different people have their own different ways of living life, it’s good to try new things and mix it up. If you don’t like it, you now know…

You don’t have to do it again

Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

 

Ready to go home.!

 

In less than one day, the end of November will be marked. And then starts a new month that would mark the countdown of 2018. Arises a new dawn at 2019.

December 14th, my last day of the year at Nottingham. Ready to go back home for the holidays and then come back when the new dawn has already begun.

I am excited to go back home, very eager to set foot on the land I have deeply missed and ached. I can’t wait for each minute to pass by, as each day passes by, I am one step closer to going home and I couldn’t be more at peace knowing that soon, I would be back with my family and my dearest friends.

Been preparing for this return by crossing out each day in the calendar, hearing songs that remind me of Dubai and hyping myself up,  fantasizing about all the food I get to eat, the streets I would get to see again and mostly, the comfort of home all over again.

” Tis the best time of the year…”

But leaving this place, my friends is also an ache and pain it’s own. Oh, how dearly I am going to miss them. But home it’s been long. I will always be excited to go back, no matter what. That’s what home does. It’s a comfort of it’s own, but this too has also started to become home.

I have been preparing myself for the journey by listening to my playlist on Spotify. The songs that remind me of home and of all the streets, nooks and corners I have been to. Songs that remind me of the moments I have lived and breathed in. Songs that remind me of some of the best cherished excited alive vibes and feelings.

But as soon I hit the home, then begins the most fastest race of time anyone has ever seen. Why does time effortlessly and smoothly go fast? Why can’t it take ages and months for that one day to pass by? I don’t want to go back. This thought is there every single time and every single time, it hurts damn way too much. Why did I have to grow up so soon? Why did I have to grow up?

This is what my future is worth it. It teaches me how to deal better with the world and with myself. I find new strengths in me that I never thought I could achieve, I learn new things about the world and myself through the experience I have been put in.

Sometimes to get the engines running, all I say is everything happens for the best and then put on in my headphones and listen to the playlist I curated for myself. One of the many secret possessions I own to my heart.

 

” At every moment of my life, there comes a decision where has it’s pros and cons

What I like to do is see how it works for me and the people who I love the most

Sometimes, it’s hard to go with what you feel and need the most

And at times, that might be the one that causes the most pain to your loved ones

Just stop and listen to what you need the most and go for it

But also be prepared to face what’s coming next… “

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

 

Lately

Lately it’s been a bit rough and tough.

It’s been a while I have posted. This has been in the works a lot because my mood and mindset have been in the works a lot. So I am going to try and jot down every feeling i have had in this one tiny post.

I am not active as I used to be and I would like to change that, so I am trying hard now. Trying to post when I can, and I know trying is not the only thing in this component, I have to find time and make it work. I don’t want to let this go and I am not planning to.

With uni deadlines, procrastination and being sick, it’s a bit hard. At times like these you wish you could stop the time, go back and change something about the way you done, or just hire someone to do the job or just be a better version of yourself.

I have been in a funk with myself lately. Not being happy deep inside, feeling left out and alone, being stressed about deadlines and submissions, missing home, being sick and dying of cough.

So what to do when you feel like you are stuck in the deep pit of sorrow and agony? What to do indeed?

Sometimes it takes time, it took me two weeks to get out of it, and I still am not out of it wholy. At times, I force myself to get out of it by pushing myself to atleast work for a bit. It proves to be helpful, debatable?

A lot of thoughts has been consuming my mind. Time at times is not in my favour, everything seems to be speeding too much, I need to get a lot done, I want to discover and grab the opportunities out there. I feel as if I am not doing enough.

I just had an interview for a job last week and I got it!! So now, I feel very relieved and half of my stress has come down. I feel a bit better than before. A lot to be honest. I have started to work on my essays and I am completing them before time.

Kids always do your work before time, atleast a week before, get your research done because the stress of stressing on it and not doing much is the worst. So that’s one friendly piece of advice I would like to give y’all.

So what to do to ease yourself when you find yourself in the tough spot?

  • Sometimes time just takes a bit longer than usual to help you, that’s what I have learnt. Just try changing something about the way you do things. When it comes to work, I find that getting a headstart is always good, so far it has helped me because I know how lazy I can get.

So I have been taking it one day at a time and it helped. 

  • Spend some time alone or with friends. Do it the way you want to. Try not to think about mind succumbing thoughts, so I think being with your friends takes your mind off it, but at the same time that is always there in the back of my mind. I overstress in my mind a lot and sometimes it gets me to really bad places and moments where I can’t breathe, think or just exisit.

It just continues and then stops. Then starts again.

  • I try and block out the world with my headphones and it’s music. ( Subtle promotion and of the fact that I have headphones)

 

  • Right now, what I am doing to get my mind off it and to realize what’s going wrong in my mind is by writing it down. It helps in a very subtle yet powerful way.

It’s a silent way to express myself to myself but comes with it the strong words and sentences that help me understand and gain a bit of clarity.

  • I wasn’t finding the right word until now to describe myself. I do not know if it’s a good or a bad thing but when I was talking to my best friend, we got to talking on what type of partner we look in for and she said that the guy who I end up with should deal with me and my mercurial self.

So that’s what I am doing. Trying to find a solution to contain this mercurial self or try to be in that one mood. I like to change my mood and mind often. I just can’t seem to stick it to one mood.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I write about the same thing over and over again just in different words, sentences, phrases and titles. Probably it’s just what I think of a lot. I do think of loads of things a lot but usually that happens in random outbursts during any time.

If only my brain was connected to a laptop or a piece of pen and paper that wrote every thought about every weird thing that I thought of. ( SIGH )

Wouldn’t that be one interesting piece to read about? It would also be a good way to orgainze my thoughts. Like I said writing helps me organize my thoughts.

Why can’t humans be organized like the way we organize our shevles, clothes and more? Like why can’t they be orgaznied like a librarry? How cool and wicked would that be? it would make my life so much easier but bland. I want a bit of mess and chaos to run wild and free in the human system. That’s what makes us so fascinating and intruguing to understand and learn about.

I am not much of an extrovert at all, I am in the midst of an introvert/ambivert leaning a tad bit more to the introvert side here because different place and people bring out a different version of me that is true always, but with people who I ain’t real close with, you could guess what happens. If not, I either get super super awakard and be silent or I just pretend to pay attention and talk.

Sometimes I am a walking singing dancing clumsy gal and then comes those days, where I want to be left out and be the most silent person in the world, and then comes the part of me which always thinks about weird dangerous stuff. I have a whole lot of moods that people haven’t seen yet and one day, I wish there was that one person I could show it to, be it a friend or a lover.

 

Right now, I feel alright. I got a majority of my course work done and as I prepare to end this piece, I am greeted with the pitter patter sounds of the rain hitting the glass and that of the ground.

All I see are the clouds and a dark night and in it pours down the rain that comforts me. All I wish, hope and pray is for the best to happen.

 

I guess when people ask me what I think of myself, I am just gonna be like

 

” I am mercurial.

I don’t know how to desrcibe myself.

I guess I am alright.  “

– Roshni Marath Jairaj