I want you.?

Some song plays and I am reminded of you in some manner. We might not know each other well but I really want to get to know you and I wish I could be with you.

I wish I could spend time with you. I enjoy talking to you and I wish we could just talk more about so many different things.

I know I can live just fine and amazing without you in my life but if you were in my life, it would make me a bit happier.

There are a few things that I wish for sincerely in my life and I guess you are one of it.

I wish I knew what was going on in your mind when we talked. I wish I could figure out why you want to talk to me or why you just send me messages out of the blue.

There are times when I completely forget about your existence and then there are times when the world makes me remember everything about you.

I only know so little about you but I still wish we were together in some manner, as friends or maybe something more.

I don’t think this is a crush I have on you or an obsession. I am going to rule this out as an unwanted fantasy/desire that has unnecessarily cultivated in my mind.

I don’t like you but I think I do at some points. It is a conflict I have been trying to deal with but I am helpless. These sudden out of the blue moments make me question so much.

I don’t understand why I feel too much. I am confused by everything my mind feels for you. I am lost but I am fine.

I wish there was a way to end this. You started this harmless conversation, so why can you not end it by doing something? I guess I am to blame as well because I like to respond to you.

I hate feeling this way but I enjoy the giddiness and the hopes. My heart leaps in teenage giddiness and there is nothing I can do about it. I have been through this road once and I am not keen to be on this road again knowing the outcome.

I wish there was some sort of closure I could get. I do not mind the outcome of the closure, be it bad or good. I just want a closure and not this vast doubt plaguing me.

I am falling for you and there is nothing I can do about it.

I hope this helpless crush becomes obsolete

Why am I chasing after something that is not meant to be?

This is just a silly game isn’t it?

This is absolutely nothing and I should just stop.

If not you, someone else. This would keep going on until I hit some sort of end.

Dancing At Two Am

As I was preparing to go to sleep, I decided to suddenly play some Hindi songs and let us say, I did not sleep for a very long time

I danced, pranced around my room imagining scenarios where I would get to perform these songs, weddings, parties and what not!

It was an amazing dance party! A party where my truest colours were lit around the entire room! I decided to let my best friend in on the secret and I sent her two videos of me just dancing and being my best!

After dancing to the fun songs, the romantic in me took over. Hindi romantic/sad songs for some reason have a strong grasp over my heart, the words, the rhtyhm, it makes sense. It makes you want to be in love and be in mutiple heart breaks just so you can imagine what it is like to go through those feelings in the song.

When I was a child, I asked my mom what these songs meant and she said they didn’t mean anything. They were just a bunch of words put randomly to create something for us to sing along. I trusted her blindly without question.

As I started to grow, I started to search for the answers to the questions myself. As I started to grow up, develop feelings and also understand the language more; I started to finally understand what everything meant.

What each moment of the song was trying to say and how I can possibly relate to it now or sometime in the future.

As I go back to listen to these songs, new feelings that were once not there are present as I listen to these old songs I once loved.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love and I beg to relate to it truly for at least once. With these songs, I am starting to understand and my heart wants more. The pain hits harder than ever before.

I guess that is what happens when you start to grow up and understand. You understand how complex and deep everything is rooted and once the wave hits, you sink in deeper.

The songs and movies that didn’t make sense suddenly make a whole lot of sense. Things I didn’t find once touching or meaningless now mean the whole world to me and are the most beautiful.

Why does everything mean different when you grow up and listen to it again? The meaning you thought back then was not what you think now.

When you close your eyes, concentre on nothing else but just the words and rhythm, you can slowly start to feel your heart clench, in pain or joy. I don’t know but what I feel now is pure truth and pain.

When my mother said that statement to me, did she really believe it and if she did, how did she even like the songs she liked back then if she believed they had no meaning. I bet she doesn’t remember that she told me this, but I remember every syllable as clear as day.

When those songs she liked played, why did she react if she believed they had no meaning? I guess she said that to stop the curious and annoying questions that I would ask her further.

Why am I doing this right now?

When small, many things don’t make sense and some do

When you start growing up, many things start to make sense and some still don’t do.

If any of you are interested, I will link down the songs I love to listen to that make me feel the most



Love letters to myself

I was thinking about the good things I like about myself and I could barely come up with Ten things I like but when I started going down the bunny hole of all the bad things about myself, that list outweighed everything.

Is it just me or is that all of us? Do our negatives outweigh the positive?

Do we ever look on the positive? Do we only have that limited qualities we love about ourself? Why?

We should have more than a Hundred reasons as to why we love ourselves. Perhaps, we should see ourself in the eyes of people who love us. I guess we will know our worth but why do we need someone to see what we love about ourself. We should know our self worth and why we love ourselves.

It is just that there are different perceptions of beauty and what it means to be beautiful and it is all very confusing.

Some of the people stick to the traidional norm of beauty which I find silly. Beauty comes in all shapes and form and if you want to change something about yourself, you should do it to make you happy not just because someone is pressuring you to change.

Be you and be proud of it! Own it!

This is going to be a series where every month, I write something I love about myself. This is not boasting but self love that we all need to do every day and not just once a month.

I want to focus on the physical beauty as well as the inner shine in me! I am going to alternate between physical and inside beauty.

Eventually I will be running out of body parts to list, so I will have to stick to other aspects I like about myself. It is going to be quite a challenge to write out what I like about myself. It seems like a passage of self discovery.

Sometimes all it takes for us to come crashing down is one moment of self doubt, comment or anything and we forget everything that is good about us. So, when I feel low or insecure, I can go back to these letters and remind myself why I should love me!

I want all of you to do this as well! Love yourself every day!

When it comes to physical beauty, I blank out. I literally do not know what I find beautiful about me. My mom says I am beautiful but she is my mom. That is her job. She loves me, so she says it and so does my dad and my grandparents. I just do not see it.

Today, I am going to try and figure out one physical aspect I love about myself.

This is hard. It shouldn’t be this hard.

Dear Roshni,

This is Roshni writing to Roshni!

The first thing that came to my mind is that I love our eyebrows. They are thick and just suit our face!

It makes me feel confident, beautiful and cute! My mom says I got her sister’s eyebrows and I am glad! She was a very beautiful person inside and out. God bless her soul!

My eyebrows help me express a lot of emotions. I can be sarcastic, mean, confused, bubbly. You name it and I can try and do it.

My eyebrows make me feel amazing! When I go and get my eyebrows done, it makes me feel so confident that I can take on the whole world.

It feels weird not writing a very long passage as to why I love my eyebrows. Usually, I find myself ranting on and on but this feels short and precise. I think sometimes that is just it.

It feels right ending it now.

How long?

I go to sleep with tears rolling down my face making its way to seep into the pillows

I have drenched myself into a beautiful melancholy of sad music. As each tone begins to play, I start to associate different moments of sadness to it.

I want to go back home  A home filled with memories and moments I lived happily in  I want to run through fields of time and spend each moment getting lost in those fields. 

My heart throbs and pounds  It races and runs out of breath  My mind races to help but it too gets stuck in its own quick sands I do not struggle with getting out, so I just accept my choice to sink. 

The thing with getting out using force is that you never free of yourself from what you feel You are abrupt with the escape  You are not closured You leave it and move on…

When it comes back later, it comes with a powerful wave and knocks you down again but  this time, it promises to be stay there for longer and will make you feel everything you once forgot to allow yourself to feel.

I am so confused  I want to cry endlessly  Every moment that once scared me is coming back to haunt me Every moment where I spent nights crying inside my mind is coming back to suck the tears out of me.

The grudges that I carry inside me, I do not anymore I am not proud of those grudges  I want to feel liberated but how can I when people think so wrong of me? I want you to be happy, person. When I speak of you, visible moments of hate present themselves but my grudge does not continue to lament.

All I know is that I have a feeling growing inside me, a feeling to be loved I want to engage in acts of love without having to think about next day’s and regrets I want someone to be beside and hug me, placing sweet and sensual kisses on the side of my neck while telling me everything is okay.  I want to drift into the unknown with him.  Why would anyone ever love me and for what? For just one long second, I want to act without having to think about consequences.

I want to cry  I want to cry and pour my heart out I am doing everything I can to make this happen but nothing seems to work. Instead, I have this anxiousness building up and I have no cracks for my tears to come through 

How long will I have to cover up the deep gnashes cutting me so that others won’t judge us all?  Why hide the truth when everyone knows it but it can’t be brought to light because the world would look down on us?  How longer would I have to care? Why care about the world at all when it is our lives being lived? Give me an answer and I will remain silent  I do not want to be a pawn to be sacrificed for the greater good.

It is not easy growing up because more feelings come into play and sometimes there is no way to comfort them  My imagination cannot always fix it for me  That very imagination wrecks my soul.

Feelings create poetry  Sadness creates beauty 

How long can I convince myself to deny the  thing that fixes a part of my life because of the consequences that come with it?  I seem to be loosing at everything I care about. 

As I get ready to sleep onto my pillow The stars in my sky fall down leaving a canvas of black  My sadness says goodbye letting me rest for tonight promising to invite itself back again for an other time

Until then. 

My parents teach me…

Thank you mom and dad for teaching me the real and unfiltered version of parenthood, a marriage and a relationship.

Many of us learn differerent things from our parents and I have decided to take it upon myself to learn everything I can, the do’s and the don’ts. You learn a lot from your parents, they have experienced this parental and marital life and now you are the next in line if you want to be.

You learn from their mistakes, that’s how I have learnt majority of the advice I have written down. My parents are flawed people but good. Some flaws outweigh more than the good things they have done. That doesn’t deviate from the fact that they are still good.

So here is a compilation of some of the things I have learnt from them. This piece will all be about the parental tips I have learnt.

Parental Tips

  1. Try not to be condescending towards your kids. Trust them when they tell you they know what they are doing but that doesn’t mean you stop helping them or you stop monitoring them. See what they are doing and offer help but do not bug them on every step. If they fail, avoid the ” I told you so” and offer a comforting talk instead.

2. When you fight with your partner, try to not put your children in the position of choosing sides. It is an incredibly difficult, painful and an anxiety invoking situation for them. I know that feeling because I have been put in it countless moments of my life. The parent who I side with is happy but the other feels betrayed. Children, if you also have to choose, choose the right moral side.

3. Trust your children and give them space. Be their parents and also their friends. Sometimes, even if they think they don’t need that advice, give it to them.

4. Never attribute the worst traits of your partner to your children. The most hurtful lines that can ever be said are “you are just like your father/mother” when said in a negative spotlight. Trust me, I know that gut wrenching feeling. You are doing everything you can to support them and make them happy and one slip up from your part and they say that one line, it wrecks you.

5. Have the uncomfortable talks with your children. My parents to date have not given me the “sex talk”. If I would have got the “period talk” back then, it would have been pretty useful and I could have avoided the mini freak out I had back then.

6. Be accepting, warm and loving of their choices. Do not become that parent where your kids are terrified of you and have the need to lie to you for every single thing.

For a while, I have had that type parents and I still do. I have lied a lot because I was scared but then things changed with them, they became more open, supportive and started understanding my struggles, that helped me a lot.

7. Try not to have the big fights with your partner in front of your kids. It creates a damaging family environment for them. Kids do like peace in their families.

8. Be parents only if you are ready to be parents. It is a lot of work. When your kids grow up, do not ever be in that position where you feel you have sacrificed your identity and life for them. Do not guilt them for your mistakes. Do not make your kids feel the burden. They came into this world because of your choice.

9. Parents fuck up kids. That is one things parents should really acknowledge. You cannot raise the perfect kid, so stop. Let them be, guide them, be with them but let them have their own path.

10. Do not over burden your kids. Do not pressure them into being A-star students at school. Help them, monitor them but do not give them a life time scolding just because they got a B.

11. Teach them manners, what is right and wrong, teach them more about the world. Teach them what you wish you would have been taught by your parents.

12. I would like to have family movie nights with my kids. Make a tradition, any tradition that you and your kids would enjoy!

13. Do not be the over protecting parents monitoring your kid’s every move. Give them independence at the age you think they need. Teach them responsibilities they will need to do later on in life.

14. Children have needs and wants and it is your responsibility to fulfil them. Don’t say the line, “I am doing this for you and that.” It is what you are expected to do, it is your responsibility. Unless they are asking for irrational ones, think about it and do what feels right.

15. Have an open communication. Make sure you know what is happening in their lives at any age. Ask them, be there for them.

16. Treat them like children when they are at that age and treat them like adults when they are at that age. Do not have a double standard opinion.

There is no manual on how to raise your kids right. You figure it out and you hope that you are doing it right. Even though, I have gathered few tips doesn’t mean I have it mastered for the future. I know I will be making mistakes but I hope I can learn from them. I just hope I do it right.

For you

I don’t know how we end up meeting each other or even if we are destined to meet, but I would like you to know, I do have some hopes for us to conquer.

Hi, I am a girl who is miles away from you. I do not know if we have passed as strangers once or if we know each other and we are not in talk with each other or we might be just strangers.

I am a Gemini and the most stereotypical yet true aspect of me is that I exhibit dual personalities. This does not mean I shift from one persona to an other. It just means I think about both aspects of the coin. For many of the aspects, I just can’t decide on one. I have different sides to different people of my life. I thought you should know that.

I believe in destiny and fate and soul mates but at the same time, I don’t. At times, I think it’s all bullshit invented to make you believe and to keep going and at other times, I think it’s simply wonderful. Loosing yourself in something so wonderful and messy.

I have a lot going on in my mind and that may upset you because I can’t get it all out to you. I like having some of it in my mind, it is my haven. If I really like you, I will open it to you. I don’t know how but I know I am capable of that.

I watch a lot of movies and shows. So, from that I have a defined perspective on what I would like to have from a relationship. I have never been in one and I am not sure as to how it works. I have seen friends be in them and I feel for every relationship, it is unique. You have your own way of working but there is some common ground shared by all relationships.

To be honest, I am scared of being in a relationship. There are going to be so many changes and I don’t know if I will ever be ready for that but on the other side, I am looking forward to it. I don’t know what is expected of me in this. I am going in blind sided and I hope we both can help each other.

I have expectations of some cliches coming true. The cliches of where you talk all night, under the stars or in the comfort of your bed under the warm blankets. The cliches of having simple, fun and memorable adventures. I watch these couples on TV and in movies and it makes me wonder will I ever have that? Will we ever have that?

We might make our own version of it and I am excited to be in that. I would love to have long conversations where you and I ask the deepest questions that make us think and wonder. I would love to keep asking you questions and getting to know how your mind works. I would like you to do the same for me, if you are interested in that.

I do not want us to change aspects of ourself that keep us real, I want us to stay original but also change for the better. Change when it is necessary, change when the environment and the world wants us to and when we feel like it. I want us to undertsand why we have changed.

I do not want us to spend our entire time in a relationship. I do not want our relationship to be the reason I have or need to exist. I do not want our relationship to define our identities, I want us to spend our time out of our relationship as well, with friends and families. Devoting our entire time to each other might make us a little crazy.

I want to watch movies with you every week for the rest of however long we might be together. A movie of your choice and also of mine. I look forward to sharing our agreements and disagreements.

I want us to talk about everything but I also want to enjoy silences with you.

I look forward to seeing you passionate about things that you love. I look forward to being a part of your suggestions and acting on them.

I carry a past that hurts me and a present that hurts me as well. Someday, when I tell you about it, I do not want you to judge and blame them for their mistakes and the hurt they have caused to me. I want you to listen and just be there. I want you to respond in the way you feel like. I look forward to times where you and I comfort each other after bad days and fights.

These are some few things I thought you should know about me.

I get hurt pretty easy. Some times I show it, some times I don’t. I like to have some time alone with myself. When I am angry, I want to be left alone because that helps me calm down and understand the situation. When I am upset, I don’t know what to do. So I am hoping you might.

I love to read and I love books. So, if you want to buy me anything, you can buy me books of my suggestion or yours. If you feel this is a book I like, go ahead and if you want me to read a book, I will.

Bookstores and libraries make me very emotional and it is often hard for me to come out of them. I like to be in the woods and near the oceans and beaches! They are a safe space and I feel very at home there.

I love food! I am excited to try out so much food!! I want to travel the whole world. I want to have so many adventures with you and also by myself.

I am also obsessed with skylines and city lights in the night! I have a weird obsession towards them! It’s a beautiful fantasy to live in!

I love to write. Writing is a way I confront myself. Writing is a way I console myself. Writing for me means so much.

I have a lot of emotions and I embrace them fully. Some day, I hope you might too and I am ready to embrace whatever you have as well.

There are so many more things I want you to know but I think you will figure it out.

I will always be loyal and be there for you. I will love you and I will tell you when you are wrong, when I am right and when I am wrong. I will try to accept the times when I am wrong and I will try not to keep fights or petty mistakes against you as a weapon.

I also want to say I am truly sorry for every mistake and fight I have caused between us. I am a temperamental person. I tend to loose my temper pretty easy and I say hurtful stuff, but I want you know I never mean those. I never think before I say those stuff and when I think about it later, I wish I had never said it. But what use is it when the moment has already passed? So I apologise and I will also apologise in the future as well when it is my fault.

I do not only want to dwell in fantasies, passions and cliches of mine. I want to dwell in yours too.

I don’t think I believe there is just one love for you. I believe there will be many loves for one person if they keep looking for it. The thing with each love is that it will be unique and differ from one love to an other. So that can be unique and be just the one, but I believe that you may be the only love in my life and I will be happy for eternity.

I hope everything goes fine for us. I hope you and I have led the relationship and life we both want and deserve.

I write this for you in hopes that someday you will read it and understand. There are some things I might not say to you in person but in this piece, I mean it for you.

Most importantly, I just want us to be happy and figure it out by ourselves, not have a cheat code manual on how to be happy and prosper. I want to be on this journey exploring so much with you and also by myself.

Seeds of hope

Stage 1

Seeds of hope are sowed carefully onto you knowingly or unknowingly by a sower.

That sower can be your mom, dad, your friend, your enemy, a stranger, God, the universe or even you.

Hope for love, hope for money, hope for happiness, hope for more; different seeds like these are sown.

When sown, you think nothing of it. What it would do to you and What you would do.

Stage 2

A seed of hope has been planted.

Every day is spent in agony wondering how the seed is growing.

Many a times, growing these seeds are good. The nature of it is what matters. In this case, a bad seed has been sown.

A small seed is enough to cause a massive stir. The smallest insignificant detail slowly tends to outgrow the practicalities in you. It descends upon you and drives you into madness slowly.

I am exposed and stripped to my very core. I need an armour to fight off the delusions planted by my sower.

It takes days for the seed to develop into something.

There is still hope for it not be something.

Stage 3

The seed has begun to sprout under the watchful eyes of the sower.

When the pests try to contain the seed from growing, the sower adds fertilisers to your mind protecting you from the realities outside.

Seasons change, different conditions and temperatures have started to affect the seed sown. It is rising and nothing seems to snip it down. It is seeding now.

With all the right conditions, it will turn into a sapling. A step closer to a greater fall or a greater good. I am not sure until I am provided with the cirucmstances.

Stage 4

The seed has sprouted into a sapling.

A sapling is under nurturing, being nurtured to be a part of something big and unknown.

It continues to grow without no feller cutting it down. It would have been an easy and sad death with minimal consequences.

It is growing to withstand amongst the harshest of conditions and very little gentle breezes.

Some one cut it down before it matures into a tree. I beg of you. This tree will only end up in a sad demise once grown.

Stage 5

During the fragile years of the sapling, it had been fed false hopes that could have been true if fate had not altered the plans.

If the feller or the sower would have shown mercy, this tree would not have to suffer for as long it was intended.

This tree could have been snagged at the very beginning but instead, it has chosen to grow and be in the wild.

Since it has matured to its very peak, no one no longer showers it with love or give it a pretence of a false hope. Instead, it is now slowly beginning to survive in the wild, learning, watching and suffering.

Stage 6

As the tree starts to grow older, the hope starts to die by bits.

The tree learns how to live with what it has been given but the sliver of hope still remains. That sliver of hope drenched in fantasy is what might keep it going. A fantasy of being nurtured and loved.

The regret of that hope sown is evident. The tree no longer stands with the vigour its predecessor carried. It now stands cracked, grey and leafless.

The decayed bits of the tree return back to the soil, its nutrients waiting to be soaked by the future seeds.

One will never be lucky enough to reap the fruits bore by the tree.

I guess that seed was sown just to be killed later.