I lost my sleep

It is late night or more so the cusp of a new dawn 

I hear the sounds of the night and watch the streets remain empty 

I listen to the winds roll across the city 

I can see the strong waves of water and wind gush over the city 

Droplets of rain stay on the glasses of the windows tonight and I will bid them adieu soon

The blinds in my room rumble from the winds of the outside world 

The windows are shut yet their force can be felt in this small world of mine. 

I am left with a lot to think. 

In this night, what are we?

I listen to music that was meant for this night. 

I listen to the beats that make me question my destiny 

I listen to rhythms that challenge my beliefs 

I have the gift of watching the world from a magnitude and I use it best according to my capabilities 

I sometimes watch the people walk on the streets and try to wonder what their story in that precise moment is 

I look out to the windows of the other buildings that surround me and try to find a sign of humanity 

Whatever I have written now has stemmed from watching a movie “I lost my body” 

An emotionally gripping movie that takes us through a journey of destiny and pain

Taking risks, living through pain, deviating from the prewritten path of destiny. 

Watching movies helps me understand myself and the world

I watch movies to learn pieces of information that I think I may not learn from anywhere else

I watch them to understand and discover new realms of imagination and theories that I may never find in conversations with myself or the people around me 

I watch them to escape from time momentarily 

I pay attention to them so that I feel 

I watch them to understand because I believe that they make me special 

I love to possess a knowledge that pertains only to me and when sharing it, it makes me feel unique. 

As I listen to the soundtrack of ‘I lost my body’ I am struggling to find the ending to my thoughts now 

My mind can only think of the brilliancy of the movie but also of the night that I am passing through right now

As I listen to this music, I am lost in the moments and in the world of my own thoughts and that of the movie’s. 

Every step outside the hallway frightens me as I have no desire to meet anyone and would rather be writing this. 

Every step inching towards my door nerves me because I do not want to talk to anyone as I wish to be left alone during this time. 

Perhaps, I shouldn’t be trying hard to figure out how to end this. 

I do not feel the need to stress out the manner of words I want to put on this

Sometimes, the ending is better left just as it is, without over thinking.

I feel obliged to tell you more but whatever I will be writing would just be a rephrasal of my initial thought. 

So, allow me to slip into my world and my routine and let me wish you all a good night. 

I am right here, just away from your eyes. 

Today was a beautiful day.

The world spoke to me and the day invited me to seek and soak out the sun and everything it touched

“Get out!” it screamed and that’s what I did!

I have been living in Nottingham for quite some while and it was the first time I had heard of Night Lights- a celebration of lights and art! 

There were many events being held in different parts of the town! 

It was only very few times that one would come across this celebration! 

So, I took the chance and it gave me a reason to go out and explore! 

A reason to discover and to connect! 

An event that caught my attention was one organized by the Green’s Windmill and Science Centre! It offered visitors to view the night lights of the city from a height. My lust for the lights convinced me to go and feast

I did go to the windmill once with my father and we had to climb four flights of steep stairs to reach the top. 

Each step to the view that awaited was a step closer to my heart clenching. 

The reason for my heart to cry out in danger were because of the large gaps between each step.

My brain convinced me that I would slip through those gaps and break the bones or my body or my head

So, my father held my hand and helped me face my fear to climb them. 

I trusted my fears to leave me as soon I held my father’s hand who led the way. 

My fear subsided but never left.

Cutting back to the present, I forgot about those steps and went to see the light.

As soon as I entered the mill, my eyes fell upon those cruel spaces between those stairs. 

My fears came back and I almost decided to abandon my quest to see my love, but I took a brave step and started the ascent 

It was terrifying but my feet led the way and my heart dropped further and further. 

Upon reaching each level, I looked out those small windows and let my eyes gaze upon the skies and then stared with awe at the lights twinkling in the dusk

I couldn’t get enough from each floor and the desire to see more kept me going further and further upon the stairs 

It was terrifying with each step and when I looked down at my feet climbing them, my heart and my body shivered but the desire was stronger than ever. 

As, I finally reached the top, relief and accomplishment showered upon me

I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF! 

I for the first time successfully without anyone’s lending hand faced the daunting fear of these god forsaken stairs

However, my challenge did not end there.

I had to come back to the ground and climbing down somehow was much worse 

To see all the huge gaps at one go as you walk down was my doom 

I carefully took all the time the world offered and let my feet step down onto each step slowly as a tortoise. 

The rest was history but I reached the ground. 

I had completed the ascent! 

No matter how small the adventure or challenge is, once completed, nothing can ever amount to the greatness you feel!

One day, one adventure

Many more to go

To capture this state of euphoria, I wrote down my thoughts and I couldn’t be more serendipitous. 

Out of this day came a work of art that I am proud of.

Sometimes, I do it for the words and sometimes, I do it for the adventures. 

Today, I did it for both. 

By your side

This is my first time doing such a video! It is simple but I am proud of how it has turned out!

I wanted my thoughts to be experienced or to evoke a sense of vulnerability which is why I decided to make this!

It is a moment I felt that one needs to experience and by reading my thoughts amongst the nature, it felt calming!

So I would really love it if you guys would check it out and tell me what you guys think about it!

Thank you!!

Do go to YouTube to check it out!!

I am selfish

I am selfish

I am selfish when I wish for plans to be cancelled so I can have a day to myself.

I am selfish in wanting to do things alone, things that my friends like to do with me, but I am selfish and want to do it by myself.

I am selfish for craving momentary happiness and for wishing momentary sadness for people who bring me down.

I am selfish in wanting to keep everyone to myself but I am also selfish when I want to keep myself away when they need me.

I am selfish when I don’t to share my world with the others.

I am selfish for wanting so much when I don’t deserve half of it.

I am selfish for not speaking up about what matters the most to me because it hurts others when I don’t.

I am selfish for speaking my true mind that hurt others and myself.

I am selfish for going after I want and not thinking about the countless lives I am leaving behind

I am selfish for wanting to chase something that can bring destruction to my family.

I am selfish when I escape into a world of mine because I refuse to participate in acts that hurt myself and other people

I am selfish when I do not want to face conseuqences to my actions

I am selfish in wanting to dodge my problems

I am selfish when I think about bad sins I want to do

I am selfish for judging about people’s sacrifices that were unnecessary. I am selfish when I do not see the real motive or purpose.

I am selfish for not making enough sacrifices.

I am selfish when I fail to commit to my words even if I can sense that it will kill me.

I am selfish in every way in everyone’s hearts

I am selfish in every binary situation and in every contrast

I live upto everyone’s words and yet continue to be selfish

I try my best not to be but I end up being anyways.

Do I know what selfish is anymore or do I just need a word to end everything I want to say?

Stranger

Hey Stranger

I have all these people around me. These people who love me but I can never find myself to talk as openly as I would like. There is always a wall that will stand between them and me. I build this wall and refuse to climb over it or let anyone break it down. When times comes, I might let the right person break it down or I will.

I subconsciously always refrain myself from telling you all my truest feelings because I don’t want my stories to burden you or I don’t feel comfortable telling them to you no matter how much I love you. I don’t know what the problem is, all I know is that I am not comfortable with crossing that boundary.

I hate myself for that, but I also don’t. I don’t think I can remember ever having much open conversations where I have laid out all my true feelings. This does not mean I lie to you, I just haven’t laid out the full picture. I have only given you the icing, the information I think is necessary or the maximum I can give. The whole cake remains, and I don’t think I will let anyone take that entire bite.

When I try to tell you it all, something happens that makes me not tell you. These might be excuses my mind conjures up into tricking not to say to you, but I believe these excuses. I feel like I let you open up completely, but you don’t want to do it for me. Maybe this is just my mind. I don’t know.

If I ever want to explode and spill out all my secrets and the feelings I am harbouring, I think I can only do it with a stranger because they don’t know me. We both are going in with zero contextual knowledge of each other. So I will not be afraid of them judging me or having to worry about how I am burdening them because we might never see each other again after this.
We can talk and talk and promise to never meet each other again until the next time or perhaps move onto another stranger to avoid all the connection with the previous.

I guess I feel more at ease about talking my truest stories or feelings with strangers because, with the people I love, I don’t know how to. I guess I am afraid of thier thought process when speaking to me and maybe of the words they would use to reply back.

It’s too complicated. I value your love, maybe that’s why it hurts. I am afraid of things changing after I tell you about what keeps me up at night. I guess I am not sure if I want to let you in on all my vulnerabilities or my thoughts.

I can’t seem to place a finger on what it is that is keeping me from exploding my secrets to you.
Perhaps it has been in my family and nature not to reveal too much of ourselves out to the world because then that is how they will perceive us, through pity eyes. Perhaps it is the doubt of you taking advantage of my vulnerabilities.
It is never one reason. It is a whole multitude of them.

I have always made up these stories of spilling out everything, having these talks I have always wanted to have with someone. I am not sure if it will ever function in reality, considering I can’t even share the truest of my feelings with my family and best friends.

It sucks, it’s not their fault. It’s mine. I can’t seem to do it. It looks so easy, but it is so hard.

When you ask me how I have been, I give answers such as I am fine, which I actually am. It’s there will always be these buried stories and pain with me that I can never truly get out in the open. It’s just there continuing to live alongside my life.
So I keep all this inside me, and I just let it be because that is how I have done and I don’t know anything that could change it now.

So that’s why I talk to you stranger because you know me because you are me, but I can’t even be brutally honest with you too because that would crush us both.

So Readers, I place the burden on you and spill out my secrets to you because it is your concern now. I am not afraid of you because you have become my vessel upon which I can spill onto. You hold me.

You and the world are now my strangers. You will always be my strangers. I tell you a majority of the story but never the whole truth because that’s just how. I hide the truth in lines I know you will never be able to decipher because that’s just how.
So in a way, I tell the whole truth. Sometimes.

IKEA

Going to IKEA felt oddly at home. It was surprisng on how a furniture retail company sparks such sheer amounts of happiness!

It was always the best outing with family and friends. When a member of the family suggests going to IKEA, damn oh damn! Our weekends are made!

It is like Christmas! One can just go to IKEA without a wallet and just spend hours over there walking and exploring the difference sections. We are the type to take our wallets with us because you never know. IKEA sure has tricks upon its sleeve to trap you and it sure is an efficient trap!

You know you love IKEA when from a mile, you see that big store logo and your heart starts to beat in excitement thinking of the wonderful day and the fun you are going to have! As you inch closer to that big store, you can’t wait to step your foot in and go crazy!

When you enter, you are greeted with the decor. It quickly sets you into a good mood!

IKEA is never empty. It amazes me on how it always packed regardless of the time or the day!

Exploring the different rooms IKEA had is the most favourite thing of all. Each layout and room rooms gave me different inspiration as to how my dream house would be.

I have always thought that living in IKEA would be the best dream to achieve. I have also made plans as to how I could achieve this.

Plan 1: Steal the invisible cloak from Harry Potter, use the invisble cloak, hide under the duvet and wait for everyone to leave and the store to shut down, then it’s time to party!

Plan 2: Hide under the duvet, wait for everyone to leave and the store to shut down, then it’s time to party!

Not much of variation in the plan, but it is still a plan!

Just imagine, if bored with your current room, you have the comfort of shifting from one room to an other! That’s the magic of IKEA! Offering you different styles and comfort all under a building.

What surprises me more is that all these different rooms are on one floor, just next to each other!

How I usually spend my time in IKEA

In the different rooms , I would go from the bedoom, to the bathroom and then to the kitchen taking notes of how I would incoporate such styles into my dream home. (Would only have the luxury of implementing it, only I were rich! SIGH )


Then in all the bedrooms, I would open the wardrobes and be in awe of how everything is so organized neatly and marvel upon the efficency of utilizng space and storage in such a tiny wardrobe.


I have also imagined situations. When guests come, I will impress them with the multittude of rooms I have to offer and they will gape upon it! I will lead them from one room to another. “This is my bedroom and now we walk into the kitchen.”


When I sit on the chairs in the living room, I imagine the type of conversations I would have with people, the books I would be reading sitting on this chair in this living space and watching TV!


I would stare at office spaces and book shelves and desperately wish, ” Damn, I wish I had that now or Damn, I wish I could have that!”


After careful exploration and fantasies, I then move onto other sections of IKEA, marvelling at all the toys, decor and crockery I would buy for my home!


The kitchen layouts are the most beautiful and desirable ones in IKEA! Oh how I would love for all those storage units! I imagine what I would put in each of those shelving units and how it would all be so efficent for my cooking! Those hard wood floors, marble countertops, the big kitchen counter where I would chop vegetables, prepare batter for cakes! I imagine it all!

I could just imagine me going full out like those chefs in movies, “Julie and Julia” “Chef”

Marble coloured crockery to go with the ambience of my kitchen! Such a beautiful dream!

This is honestly the dream!! Why can’t this be a thing?!

It is not only the interiors of the room that I like but different sections of IKEA, the furniture, the decoartions, the room designs, the toys, the plants! Everything you need for a home, it is all there!

IKEA, such a long walk! Following the directions on the floor, one room leading to another and so on. It’s a fantasy land! You never know what to expect!

Going to IKEA with the family is always a joy but fights do spring up when one cannot control one’s urges and wishes to buy everything the store offers. We go to IKEA planning to buy one item and emerge out of the store with that one item and many others.

Well one thing that IKEA is known for are its Swedish meatballs! Everyone goes crazy for them! I have always wanted to try it but never got around to do it. The restaraunt in IKEA is always super packed thus making it impossible for a non patient person like me to try their food.

I hate waiting but I always do get a hot dog from them! I feel hot dogs from stores like these are just better!

I took this picture in IKEA when I sprawled myself comfortably on the most softest and cosiest bed! I wanted to take this bed home and it was a struggle to get out of this bed!
I am not lying when I tell you, IKEA makes me happy!

I don’t think anyone ever has had a bad time in IKEA. I might be wrong but for a dysfunctional family like mine, we sure do have good times there!

Dear Emily Dickinson

Dear Emily Dickinson, I come from lands and times where your desires come true. Women do get to vote, but we still don’t have it all. However, we are working towards making the world a place where women and men are equal in front of everyone’s eyes.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I come here to tell you that what your heart seeks does not make you strange. You were just born into the times where no one could ever understand your worth.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish I could have held your hands and tell you how great your words are. I wish I could have held your hands and comforted you.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I believe you, and I would have shared wonderful conversations about literary works. You would surely be surprised at the quality and amount of works that come from my times, and I could hear your thoughts on the works that existed in your times.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish I lived in your times because I would push you into publishing your words so that you could witness the world awing at your poetry.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish you would have taught me how to have a green thumb. You and I could spend infinite time in your conservatory, and I could say I have had the honour to watch Emily Dickinson in action getting inspired from nature.

Dear Emily Dickinson, I do not know if I have would been the companion you truly deserve, but I would have surely tried my best.

Dear Emily Dickinson, if this world’s techonology would have been made available to you, you would have been an internet sensation with your poetry. On Twitter, you would be considered a sage and a savage. On Instagram, you would gain millions of admirers for your poetry. In this world, you would be a known as a poet, what you always wanted.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish there were a way that I could tell you about the impact you have brought upon me and millions. I hope that this piece of admiration reaches you, wherever you are.