Do you wonder?

I often wonder what other people are doing at this very moment that I am in. What are they upto in their lives?

I especially wonder this in case of celebrities because it’s so fascinating for me to wonder what they do in thier spare time because I adore many celebrities and often wonder what they are upto. Do they lead the mundane lives just like the rest of the humans that walk on the face of the earth?

I often wonder what my friends do when I am not with them, we are miles and miles away and I often wonder what they would be doing right now and if were together, I would be then wondering about all the fun times we could have

I wonder what my parents do when I am not at home, I wonder if they talk about me and my shenanigans. I miss them and my home

I wonder what my home is doing without me. Is it changing per second or by per word?

I often wonder what other people in other parts of the world do at this very moment I am in. How are they living life?

I wonder about the people I once knew and who I were very close with. Do they think about the times we all have spent together at one point? Do they miss those times? I do wish we all got to meet at one point in our lives with all the disputes and conflicts settled.

I wonder about the movies and the shows that are put out there. How did it all come together and why? What would have happened if I would have never seen it? Would that change the way I think or would that change a part of me?

Do you ever wonder how your life would have turned out if you hadn’t met the people in your life who have become an imperative part of your life system? I wonder on if I would have never met my friends, what would be of me? Would I go on to discover and make friends with strangers who will then become my friends?

I wonder on how one would feel when they are trapped in the most miserable sadistic feeling ever known to them? How would it be living that feeling on a constant rotation without any relif of ever freeing yourself from it? Have you imagined what it feels like because I do. When I am trapped in that feeling, I imagine what it must feel like to be trapped in it forever and it feels overwhelming and soul crushing

I wonder on how it would be to lead a different life in a different body, somewhere else with different parents

I wonder on how it would be living the life of a person I know or I wish to know. What are the life changes that would dazzle me? How does it feel to be in their shoes?

I wonder on the type of talents I wish I could possess and how I could use it. I wonder on if not for writing, how else would I confront my feelings or express what I feel. I wonder on what my talent would be.

I wonder on how my life would have been if not for the realities I were put into and faced

I wonder on how the future would turn out for me. Have I made the right choices? Will my plan be set in motion? Will I achieve the vision I have envisioned?

I do wonder on the choices I have made and the choices I could have made

I wonder on what would be of me if I were born to different parents. Would I posesses the same mind set, probably not. I do wonder what that would be like. A new identity emerging from a new environment.

I wonder about the stories I have created in my mind and dream on how it would be to live them in reality and not in my head. I imagine them how I could do it in the real life

I wonder on the inventions the world could make based on my ideas. I think about a machine that would capture each and every thought of mine even when I am asleep. A machine that records my dreams and I can view it to my pleasure or continue it.

I wonder what would become of me after death. Is there a life after death? A new beginning for a new soul or an unfinished journey for an old soul. How would I be remembered? How would my loved ones react? Can I still see them from where I am or would my body be turned into particles to join the universe?

There are many things that I wonder and they all get lost somewhere

I wonder on my existence and the use of humans in this world

I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t been born

I dream, ponder and wonder a lot

What to do?

As I am writing this, I am completely bored and I thought why not do some piece of writing to take my mind off from being bored.

Today is the day my summer break has officaly started. After weeks of intense research for my essay then going on to writing 3 essays that are 3500 words each, then crashing and having breakdowns; I have finally submitted everything before time and well I am done with it all.

So my summer break has begun because I do not have exams. This whole month, I had a routine set for me. Get up, do research, distract myself a bit and then get grinding. That was my routine and I was so heavily involved with it. Now that it’s gone and over. What do I do?

There are three days left for me to go back home, so these three days left here seem like an eternity, but then it got me thinking, I would defintely have to face days like these in my summer break because that’s going to be three months of free time without any stress. Well there is going to be massive stress about worrying for my results but other than that no stress.

So before leaving off to my summer break, I have one whole day dedicated to doing errands and exploring Nottingham again before I leave for summer break.

Honestly I have just been on my laptop and my phone for half the day and I am not going to be a type of person who says do this – do that because I am realtsic with the options I have and I know what I am capabable of. I am not going to be that positive inspiring sunshiny person but be realistic and see what I can actually do.

So that is what I am going to do during my summer break or atleast try to do.

So what to do indeed?

Write more and discover new aspects or just go with the flow of writing.

Try to read more because reading helps with the vocabulary and is a chance for me to explore and incooporate new worlds into my life

Watch a lot of Youtubers and Youtube content to live the lives of interesting people in other countires

Explore Singapore because I have heard that place has quite a lot of things to do

SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY rather than spending all of it on the laptop

Write by the pool and listen to music, it might evoke some new inspiration in you

Watch loads of movies because summer break is the only time you get to do so and also watch shows as well

Listen to music, lie down and contemplate

Sleep, because sleep is worth every bit of it

Buy games in the steam summer sale so that you can play games and have fun and make up for the fact that you have no friends in Singapore to hang out with

Sometimes it’s good to make best use of what’s around you rather than going and chasing objects far within your reach, but that does not mean you give up on them. Maybe right now, you just don’t have the resources for it, so you can dream on and wait for it to finally happen someday

Write a short story about anything you want. Who cares if it’s good or bad. Do it for yourself and explore where your writing can take you

Try vlogging, you might like or it or you will hate it forever but I think you might like it considering how much I like ranting and well being on camera but not in the attention seeking sort of way

Discover more music on Spotify

Try changing some aspects of yourself, things that you are not a fan of. Keep this summer as a self love/discovery challenge for yourself!!

Live more

I can’t sleep

I can’t sleep because of the weight of the galaxy I carry inside my body

I can’t sleep because of the stars that light up in my soul

I can’t sleep because the stars have lost their way to reach the midnight skies

I can’t sleep because of the crack of the dawn in the skies

I can’t sleep when I am awake because I am out here sitting on the ledge staring out at the skies behind my window

Its a clear baby blue sky with an orange stripe painted right across it

I hear the birds chip signalling the start of a new morning

However I can’t get myself to sleep despite the touch of the morning

I am afraid I have fallen into the habit of not sleeping at night due to the chores that keep me busy at night

I have failed to see the beauty in the mornings as I wake up

I see the drapes shut of many of the windows out there, as the drapes start to open, I close mine indicating the world that I am down for my slumber

Never being able to get sleep has only been one of the few problems in my life because that happens almost never but it does happen and when it does, it’s usually the sign of a chaos erupting soon

I don’t know what to do but sitting on this narrow ledge near my window seems to be helping quite a bit

This feels movie like

You know the scene where it’s early dawn or dusk and the writer goes out somehwhere seeking for an inspiration or for an answer to the cosmos exisiting within them.

It feels like that right now except for them, it leads to a big climatic search and for me, it feels ordinarly extraordinary but carries an undertone of a MacGuffin.

I am starring in my own movie, just not without any cameras or an audience to see it all unfold

As I am staring out into the abyss listening to country music, I have realised how beauitful they are, matching up to the slow excitement of the sunrise. I have realized how decieving they can be with thier words but still manage to create a charm in the listner.

Hues of Pink have started to come into the view and I can see a blend of pink, red, orange and white join to create a thin cloud trail spread and strech across the sky

I have stayed up all night to witness one of the many miracles of life uninteionally and can i say was it worth it?

It has but it still hasn’t made me want to lie down and drowse

The blend of colours have now painted itself across the skies, fusion itself with blue evoking different feelings in me

I see that very same blend trail across the skies just like a shooting star plumetting down to earth. What could you be? A symbol, a metaphor?

Universe, would you kindly tell me the mysterious ways in which you work

I have now witnessed the miracle of life

What now?

Thoughts lead to a train wreck

It was a normal night

Four in the morning

It was the early rise of the dawn 

While the whole world was still asleep, I was ready to step into my slumber

As I unwinded a tiring day of hard chores, I decided to give myself a little reward

Not knowing where the reward could lead to, I took it without thinking the road I would be in 

I took a face mask, applied it till the edges of it stuck to the curves of my face and then turned off all the nights to prepare for a deep slumber 

It was going smooth till then

But I took the choice of playing back the songs from memory lane 

As the first song started to play, I knew there was no coming back from this road

I had to drive the whole way through and beyond 

As each song kept playing and ended, my memories kept playing along with it 

The songs put by me in an order ended up turning its back against me

Each song playing in the order of my memories and the vibes that I loved in that city kept intensifying and coming back all at once in one go, one after the other 

Reminding me of the good old times 

I miss my old home deeply

I have this heart ache that intenses with every beat 

I can feel it shatter with every note 

I miss the drives on the road that I listened these songs to 

I want to go back to those days and those drives 

My own decisions of complication have brought put me here 

It opened up the doors of nostalgia and let the moments flood in 

The moments staring out at the tall sky scrapers soaring up high in the night sky, the lights comforting me, the music of the radio calming me down and making it a trigger for these memories 

Strolling along the beaches with best friends and running along the lights and having the best conversation in parks 

Memories of school, friends and family rides put me in a high and I go back and wonder what it would all be like now

Would I ever get to live through the same pattern again since that everything has changed 

I have embraced this road and soon hope to embark on it for real someday 

For now I dream on to these songs and enjoy the little drive through memory lanes.

Faking it 101

So I am assuming you stumbled upon this by accident, or by scrolling through your feed, or because you were in dire need of help on how to learn to fake through it all.

Whether it’s faking life or faking interests or faking knowledge or just faking I am here to help you through it.

I am going to give you a few tips on how you can incooperate this “useful” method in your life and well wing it. I will try but I can assure you 60% because the rest 40% depends on your environmental factors and luck.

These are some few rules you should follow if you want to fit in with the “crowd”.

  1. First of all, before you get involved with whatever piece of fandom or converstaion you want to get into, RESEARCH EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. You do not want to sound like a basic fool, you want to be thriving and want to be intersting right? So do your research. Whatever it takes.
  2. Keep up with the current updates of whatever you want to be a part of. Search each and every nook and corner of the dark web.
  3. If anyone mentions a thing you don’t have a clue on anything or what’s going in the present convo or time, just keep your phone beside you and google it. That will save your day just for the time being.
  4. You don’t want to say anything stupid right? So get everything right because every little detail matters, if not you going to be banned for life and all your efforts would have become futile.
  5. If anyone asks for your opinion on the subject matter, go with the the answer I don’t know or I don’t think so or see what the other person says and how the crowd reacts to it, then go with the crowd. Be the sheep. If you be bold, you die and all your futile efforts would go to waste
  6. Third of all, if you do not want to do any of this, how about you accept it that it’s alright for you to not know about it and move on. Why be a wanna be?

It’s alright if we all have different interests and passions. I am trying to learn that and inccoporate it into my life, I am not good at it but I am trying my best. I often am shocked on how some people don’t like what I like or like the major fandoms but I am trying to get used to it because there are many things out there that I don’t like but others dp.

If my friends like something, I will give it a try and if I don’t like it, I won’t fake till I make it because that’s just not who I am. I have tried it in the past and trust me, it’s not worth the effort and time you think it’s going to be.

Not everyone in the world has to be alike or have the same common interests. You are lucky if you find your group.

In this day and age, I feel that it’s intense with the fandoms because I feel you feel pressured to get into it and might not like it. If you don’t like it, you feel like a outcast. That’s going to be there and it’s hard.

I just do not understand why hop on the wagon just because it’s popular or just because it makes you look cool or you want to be a part of the convoseration or fandom. If you genuinely want to get into it, we will all help but why the fakeness? You can simply ask how to begin but just sticking it right in the middle is not gonna be the solution to your problem.

It’s alright if you decide to get in it right in the middle or the very end, that’s completely alright because you are being complely authentic, genuinely interested. You want to know more and I get it but just pretending to care about it, now that’s where it itches.

Do you man!!

Another world of my own

My mother often tells me that I am in a world of my own

What does that even mean? When she sees me, why is it that her mind thinks I live in an other world of my own?

Is it because I choose to be oblivious to the macabre around me?

She says that I should often come out of this world I live in to face the monsters outside, but why?

I do spend my time with the monsters but I cannot do it all day, I need a break.

I do not disagree to her statement, what I will do instead is offer an explanation as to why I have built that world

I am a keen admirer and enthusiastic on many of the movies and shows out there, I am an avid watcher

I love to listen to music because in those rhythms generate a story that I would love to be a part of or simply they give me the estacy I need

The books that I read offer me a chance to dwell in those world and I love to loose myself into the extraordinary words. I love to understand what goes on behind each sentence. I love to move with the flow of the words.

All of the above act as a help, a sort of an escape from the troubles and plight I often am in especially when at home.

I remember the screams and shouts that echoed around the walls of the house and building a world was the only way I could ever relieve myself

When I step onto the grounds of that world, the troubles leave me and I am in a story

A world where different stories exist in different realities and various personas

I enter these worlds and live in them because I am selfish

I am selfish because I want to breathe the air of peace and silence for once without any worries in the world

In the years that I have lived on this earth, at every stage in my life, I have remembered most of the pain rather than warmth

From this world of mine, I receive happiness and most importantly solace and peace

I am not a fan of anyone who wishes to enter this world

I am not welcome to the idea of anyone wanting to talk about this world

I want to lead a life that I can live in peace and happiness

I am an avid watcher of many movies and shows. I love to read the lines within the stories that unfold. I live in these worlds because they help me escape a world of my own. A world that never has the potential to offer a cure for every thirst I quench.

These stories that I witness help me forget the reality I am sometimes trapped in. I do not relish these stories soley for the purpose of using them as a sort of escape. I do so because I enjoy them

I am delighted to be in the world of movies, shows, music and stories. They provie me an esctacy that I simply cannot find in others. I immerse into them and my troubles are let go.

They are therapeutic to me. They provide help in countless ways and often ways that no other human could provide. They are a different sort of family soley exisiting for my happiness, dreams and comfort.

I choose to enter this world on my own free will, so if matters go awry, I have no one to blame but myself.

I find it enchanting because of the numerous stories told.

I may not have many talents but someday I would love to show you the magic that resides in my head. I would invite you to be a guest in my worlds and I am sure you would never think below of any great grandeure you have witnessed.

I believe I have a way in showing you these worlds, but I need me some magic to do so. If I were to be a God, I would have you granted access to slip into these cracks but I am afraid I possibly cannot to do anything

So I put my hopes in you and believe in the faith and assurance that you too put your trust in me and my words about my worlds.

The Endgame…

A thing you should know about me is that I care very deeply for movies, shows and books especillay the ones that I have invested my life and time in, it is a part of me, so some people might think that this is all a bit too much but frankly, I do not care because this is me. I love this bit about myself. Loving these movies, shows and books with all this passion and intensity is what I love the most. I feel infinite.

Coming to the point on what this piece is going to be about, I have been a fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe as long as I can remember and I just watched Endgame, the movie that brought that saga to an end. The movie that brought a decade to an end.

Relax; I am not to be giving out any spoilers because I am not the fan that will ever betray my family like that. I respect and worship the work way too much to do that and also life taught me that in hard ways.

Coming back to what this piece is about; my mind and heart cannot fathom to bring itself in terms with what I witnessed and were a part of. I watched the movie two times in a row and I am feeling all these emotions that I don’t know how to control. I am drowning in them; not in the way that I enjoy but to the point where my heart physically pains and I need a way to heal.

So here I am pouring out my emotions because I feel this could be my way of healing.

I wander around these empty spaces with a heavy heart

I feel my heart getting crushed by the weight of the boulder that has been dropped from the heights above

It was cathartic

I sit here buried in tears and crash into the warmth of my comforter

I made the mistake of not understanding how broken I would be after I a saga come to an end

I have been in this ride for years and years knowing but also not knowing what it was all leading up to…

I fell in love with all of them, I fell in love with how each of them progressed with time

I fell madly in love with the family and the team

I too have a weakness like every other being, my mind does not want to be bias but my heart has been tuned out differently

I have given my heart to the people that were since the dawn of the time, to the people that lay the foundation for this great miracle, the team that started the intitiative and set up the saga

These stories were intense but fun, heart shattering but carried a sense of bitter sweetness,

Enemies were made, Friendships were made and broken, Teams came together yet also fell apart. Everything and anything managed to happen

Chaos erupted across the galaxies

I have shed tears, I have laughed, I have rejoiced, I have been gutted. I have loved. I have hated. I have felt everything I possibly can through these stories.

My heart would always lie with the six. The origins of a greater good. The start to it all.

Over the years, it all lied in the tiny fragments, each fragment carried a piece ultimately leading up to the end, the end for many of us but also a beginning to a new dawn

I never realised how embedded I was in this until I realised I may never see them again. I failed to understand how much of a mess and a chaos I would be. I underestimated how much I would be affected. I did not put it into count.

I stroll along those memory lanes and dwell when times were simpler. To the times I knew they would come back.

My mind and heart refuse to fathom that it has come to an end, a conclusion. An end where I will never see them return again.

As the sun sets, a new dawn arises and that is what had happened

I thank you and will always cherish you Marvel.

Like they said, “Part of the journey is the end.”

I look forward to what you have in store for us.

Thank you for the best 11 years and for the best 22 movies you have given us.