Figuring out the stages.

I have met quite a fair share of people in my life and there are many more of them to discover and unravel.

Everything, everyone and I make me think. Do I know people? Have I figured it out?

Down below are stages that I have written about the factors present in my life. An advice to myself and to the world.

Let’s introduce the characters on the stage as we go. We are going with the flow folks. 

 

Let’s start with family and the whole lot that comes with it.

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( PS: Notice how I am using a perfect family picture, it’s because I couldn’t find families that want to rip your heads off. Even the internet is being my enemy by showing me perfect families. )

Family, you got it, You got to accept them for who they are. Nothing you can do about it, atleast in your friendships, you can choose who you wanna be with friends with but with family, you can’t choose that.

I love my family, don’t get me wrong. However there are certain attributes that I wish I could change about them.

This perfect family in American Sitcoms is what that’s ruining me and altering my perception. Always wanted that kind of family and still hoping to.

I have learnt a lot from parents and infact from them, I have learnt the do’s and dont’s of parenting. They inspire to be better parents and to have a good family. ( The reasons are for the best and for the absoulte worst. )

Then comes certain cousins and relatives. Why are they like that? Why can’t they be proud of your achievemnts and not wanna bring you down? Why do they wanna sabatoge everything in life? Why have they been made like that? I have relatives who simply cannot be happy for anyone and they just have to ruin everything. Why do some of them have to be the absolute worst crackheads?

Lesson learnt: Family is complicated and complex. Sometimes it can get a heck load of dysfunctional and sometimes you are going to be a crack head. That’s what family does to you. But I still love them. Sometimes you can also hate your family. It differs from people to people.

Also family doesn’t have to be defined by blood relationships. Anyone can be family. I haven’t found that type of family yet but someday, I hope to find that.

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Moving on with friends.

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It’s a lesson I am trying to learn, not every friendship lasts that long, there are going to be changes and if you are wlling to work through it, it’s great, but sometimes if it just vanishes and you guy’s arent as closed as you used to be, its alright. It’s okay. It will take time and you might wonder what you did wrong or what happened?

But that’s life. People change, friendships change.

On a more happier note, I know you are going to find more friends, more ever lasting long friendships. Don’t worry about it. There is a certain time for a certain friendship and be glad that it happened. Don’t let that put you down. Those great memories will always be there and there is nothing that can take you away from that.

And if you are still friends with your friends from school and uni, that’s great and I am glad that it has happened for you and for me!!

I have learnt that as you grow up, you become selecctive of your friends and that is true. It’s not that anything is wrong with you, sometime’s its just that and there is nothing you can do. You can be more open to finding new friendships but if it doesnt make you happy or you think that it affects you in any sort of bad manner, then you know it’s not worth it.

Lesson learnt: There are some friendships meant to be and not meant to be.

 

The thing down below is for some of the people I know….

I know that we all are way far ahead from the word “perfect”, but why are there humans that simply want to see you upset and in sadness. What joys do you get in ruining people’s lives? I am sorry to say you are one of the worst people to ever exist. There is still time to change so why can’t you?

 

Coming to me

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I love to do quizzes online and I am absolutely keen on them, but there is one thing about them that puts me on an edge. It’s the question of what quality do you think you have or lead with or what quality your friend thinks is the best/dominant in you.

Questions like these make me pause and rethink everything about myself. Every quality that I think I have, had or is nonexistent burst open in me.

I have this version of myself in my mind that I think I am, some very few selective people get it to see it and to others lie another side of me that is real but also not completely authentic and real, or so I think?

What if that non authentic and less real was the real me but that doesn’t bring me a 100% happiness and joy to myself, so that option is cut out.

I have this whole version of me in my head. I know I am the person who knows how to have fun only in the comfort of people that I really love and can be myself with. For a matter of fact, I know when I shut off that’s in the presence of people I aint that comforable with, I talk less, I shut myself off because well I dont feel the it factor.

I can be quite the introvert and the extrovert. More of an introvert and also an ambivert. I like that. It might change as times passes by, but for now I am alright with it. But the bigger question still remains, what qualities/traits do I possess, the qualities/traits that are in the human code of conduct? How do I define myself?

Many of the times, defining myself in a set of words/sentences proves to be impossible and a mind numbing task. I am in loss of words for certain adjective traits. I do know some of them but what if other people think that to be false? Should I care? At most times, I tend not to, but I also do.

But I do know that exists certain traits about me, even if the world disagrees, I know that it not to be true because I believe so in myself.

Lesson trying to be learnt: So as of now, I am close to figuring it out, but then new stuff keeps coming along the way.  It’s okay if you havent figured it out or you can’t define yourself in a set of stringed words. I guess you just keep discovering more and more about yourself as time passes by. You learn a lot, you change a lot, there are a lot of lot’s basically.

You are and might differ from time to time. You are going to go through a lot of things.

Just remember, someday. It will all end soon, so try to do the best you can and try to live the best you can because you live only once.

( PS: I do believe in reincarnation, but that’s an other whole complicated topic of discussion, you just live life now.)

The world

There are millions of people out there in this world. They are different.

Some might shock you, some might intrigue you, some might scare you. You are going to get a lot of emotions and feel a lot of things from this world and people in it. Some people probably are the way they want to be and it might hurt you or bring you joy.

That adventure is out for you to discover. I haven’t been on that adventure quite fully yet, but I am hoping to be or have I already been on it.

I think we all are unique and different in certain and many ways.

This is intriguing now….

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Lesson learnt: The world is a teacher and you are a student of it. The roles can also be switched if you want them to be. The world works in the most mysterious and intriguing ways as possible.

 

The finale

So why have people been made the way they are? Why have I been made this way?

Circumstances, family, life, friendships, the stories/movies/music that they listen to and have become obessed with, passions, the past, the present, the future, the people in it, the society, The World.

I have been watching a lot of movies, scrolling through my phone, reading a lot of books,  spending time with family and friends, talking to people, listening to music, observing the world and it’s stories.

Each of the above task has a quest and a story in itself. I am trying to learn and understand more about the people in this world and why. I love talking to people, not the regular talks, the talks that intrigue the world and me, theories and more. I like listenting to stories of people and what they have to say.

I am eager to live life and move through the stories and stages that life has in store for me.

Lesson learnt: The possibilites are endless or so. You are going to go through a lot, learn a lot and feel a lot more. There are still many more lessons to be learnt.

 

 

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I think and feel way too much. (Part 2)

This is a sequel to the first installation of the series.

Why you may all wonder ( or if you don’t wonder, it completely fine as well ) These kinds of emotions are life long and it can’t be only contained in one post. So this is gonna be a small series.

How I came to be like this?

This overly humane emotional side of me came after the start of my uni journey. I am telling you, this journey of mine in uni has taught me a lot about people, life and myself. It’s a total game changer. (That story is for another time.)

As I was saying, I was always emotional and cried to movies especially too Disney where the movies were about animals. Like The Fox and the Hound, Dumbo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Lilo and Stitch, Coco, Up, Wall-E, Lion King, Wreck it Ralph, Inside Out, Two Brothers and so much more

( OH GOD, even writing about this makes me cry and so upset)

Some of the movies do have their happy endings but you know there are those moments that you cant contain yourself and you need to spill out the waterworks despite all the people there with you and I have never been afraid to cry out loud in theatres. I am always the sobbing mess. Gosh, for avengers infinity war part 1, the ending. When I watched it, I was basically dead in the mind and no words were able to be formed. My mind was destroyed and blank because of the terror I had gone through.

English movies have a separate form of a genre in me, just for crying. Now comes Malayalam movies, the worst tool of all to make me cry just in a matter of seconds. This recently made its entry into the genre list. The reason why Uni again.

So after uni began and well me being apart from my family, oceans and seas away, it really got to me. So Malayalam songs and movies were the antidote to help me cope up with the fact that I was away from home and also brought me closer to home because many of these songs, my mom had sung to me when I was a child and the movies were the bonding moments for me and my family.

Old malu movies, songs and one song from the movie and the movie itself ” How old are you” were the ones that got to me the most because they reminded me so much of my mom and the fact that she wasn’t beside me just got to me. The plot of that movie and the actress reminds me so much of my mother, that I break. I cry and cry and then I call my mom and she calms me down. Then I feel better.

Usually, this process takes place in midnight when I cant go to sleep or when I miss my mom too much, or simply, I decide to torture myself by doing this process and I know it’s going to make me upset but I still go for it.

Sometimes I just set the trap for myself and I know how deep I am going to get in, but that doesn’t stop me from doing so.

Maybe you need it sometimes in your life.

( PS: As you can see, I am really attached to my mom, it’s because we have gone through a lot and she has done so much for me, I just can’t imagine a life without her in it. She has sacrificed a lot for me and sometimes, I wonder why so and what I have done to deserve it.

People often make fun of the amount of “maluness” I have but I am so proud of it and I would never change it.

Life and it’s troubles just stick with you, promises to leave but does take a lot of time to act upon it. That could also be a reason as to why I think and feel too much. Then watching the news and troubles of the world also makes me upset, and then of my friends and family. Overall it’s tedious process but somewhere deep in my heart, I think everything happens for a reason, but why does bad things have to happen to good people. For what reason is that?

People change, the world changes. I think why, there have been people I know for so long and been so close with, when they change, I wonder why.

We grew far apart, I have tried my best, what could I do more? These kind of things make me upset and think too much. What more could I have done? Well faults could have been made by me, but I am ready to fix it.

But then I think if they aren’t willing to fix it or bring it back to normal, then they aren’t interested. Probably I should stop trying to fix things that were broken or meant to be. It’s how the world works. It takes both the parties to make it work, Can’t do all the job by myself. Probably for the best. I console myself by telling this and I try to accept it. Someday I might, but I am doing a better job of it tho.

Sometimes, tho I think it’s for the good, just searching for the reasons how and why.

So goodbye for now. This is never the end.

The Slump

( This is another series, ” Thoughts of the day.” Different from the other series, ” Thoughts from the days.” The difference is that the thoughts of the day are based on the thoughts I have today, just as the title suggests and I think you can guess what the other one is about. So here you go! )

 

It’s been a few days and the slump has taken a huge blow on me and I am down.

Nothing much has come to my mind and I don’t feel the willpower to come up with anything new or write something using my energy. Dozens of drafts lie ahead but never had the energy to complete them or publish them.

There needs to be motivation or a zest to do so and I haven’t had that in quite a few days.

Firstly, I was put off by the devasting news of the Kerala floods, my hometown. A big tragedy that shouldn’t have happened. Millions of people have lost lives, properties, will, strength and so much more. We spent days in front of the news worrying, crying seeing the faces of people and our state. We are recovering from it, it will take us loads of time but we are coming out if it very strongly and with all the courage we have.

Secondly, It’s the time of EID and holidays, so the family is together, all under one roof. So time goes away fast being outside in the evenings and by watching movies to the end of the day.

Thirdly, I have taken upon this mission to watch as many movies as possible, in all genres. I am a movie buff/enthusiast. I love to watch movies of all kinds, learn and enjoy different stories. So a majority of my time goes into discovering new and old movies for me to watch. This is one of my hobbies.

Fourthly, no amount of reasons has made me understand properly why I am and have gotten into in a slump.

What to do when you are not in the energy or motivation to write?

What to do when you have the lost the zest and zeal to write?

What to do when you have fallen in a big old slump and too lazy to get out of it?

As I am writing this, I am provoked to quit midway and get into watching my movies, but I am trying and won’t do so.

So what to do?

What do indeed?

  1. It’s okay if you are in a slump. Acknowledge it, don’t blame it. There always comes that time when you just don’t want to do anything and be lazy. Embrace it and know it will all be over soon.
  2. Try some other hobbies or interests during that slump. Try to make the most of it. Reading Books, watching movies and discovering new music is what I have been doing whilst being in a writing/blogging slump.
  3. Try to get out of that slump slowly. Try doing that activity step by step. Don’t do it all at once. If it’s reading a book, try a few pages, or trying reading a book that interests you, not necessarily the one from your TBR.
  4. So if it’s a blogging slump, try to think about ideas and pieces you have always wanted to work on, organize it all in your brain and write or draw it down. You do you!!
  5.  Art and inspiration are in every corner. Go have fun searching for it. Even when simply lying on your bed, your mind and brain can take you to places and sometimes the simplest laziest moments can give you the greatest ideas.

 

Slumps have their own set of attributes and qualities that make them the worst and best. So it’s okay. It might last for a short time or an undeniably long time, but it will get over soon.

Don’t you worry about your interest or passion fading away okay? It will always be there in you. You just will have to take some extra effort in finding it, but all the effort and time is worth it.

So that’s all I have for you today folks.

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Thoughts from the days

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Just the other day, life and my mind got me thinking.

Was I going to be stuck with this same face throughout my life? I see other people evolving and changing and here I am, still stuck with the face that has changed but not so distinctively, I can assume.

How do other people go through such changes? Like what do they do, how? Is it genes or some special talent that you require, or is it luck, fate, destiny or life what and how did it happen?

What features have changed on an overall basis? I have grown taller, my face has changed quite a bit, but not like how movies, actors, actresses and people show, I haven’t gone through that exuberant change.

I kind of am worried that this face would be stuck with me till I grow old. What a terrifying yet weird thought.

I would like this face to change just like how I change mentally. Wait, I don’t want my face to change constantly to my personality or match the demeanor of my character. This is proving to be a lot harder than I expected.

I don’t know if I am insecure about my appearance, I probably am but I am happy with what I am. Well, there are those sudden days where I would love to change some parts of myself.

What I mean to say is, it would be nice to go through that whole makeover scene. The American movie cliche. Those always seem really fun to me. Probably in an alternate universe from other universes, I must be going through that change now.

But I am happy with what I got. But I am a human, always wishing for more and more. If I would have got that more and more? Would I stop wishing for more? Well, I need to get that more and more in order to find out.

The above might make me sound like a complete douche, and I wouldn’t blame you.

But the more and more I wish for are wishes/answers/solutions related to problems I have in life. Don’t we all? A life with everything provided. A life we always wanted. Even for a brief moment, to live that life would be grateful. A moment to be remembered for eternity.

But what would life be without all those struggles we have gone through and are yet to face? These struggles and this life we live go into the makings of defining who we are and why we have become or what we needed to be. 

Are these problems in our life tasks? One task gets over, another one starts. It shares the same outlook on the word problem, but a bit less negative than the original term, “problem”.

Placing your confusing thoughts into words is not an easy task.

So, that’s it for today’s thoughts from the days. 

I think and feel way too much.

( This blog has been written long before, This could be a little throwback. A piece based on the workings of the mind in me.)

I think I am an over-thinker. It certainly does not have its perks.

I tend to over think about every situation I have or will be in, every comment I have made, ever mistake that I have done, why people don’t reply to me on time, why the tone changes in both text and communication, when the person begins a talk with I want to talk to you about something, before understanding or knowing what the person is about to tell me, I freak out and immediately create hypothetical situations in mind.

The above instance is not even the ones, to begin with. There is so much more. I feel very stressed out and tensed for the tiniest things of life.

I think about the future way too often in the night because nights have always known to be the embodiment for dreadful and serious thinking and thoughts.

I love my mom, dad and my grandparents way too much, I don’t think I can function without them. They are a huge part of my world, they are my world and if anything happens to them, it breaks my whole system. My whole universe would shatter into an infinite number of pieces and since I am the only child, that thought of being alone scares me a lot because I will have no one to call as my own.

Who will I run to if I want to talk to about the tiniest happiest moments of life?

Who will I run too if I want to burst out and cry?

Who will advise me when I am insecure and broken?

My mother is the one that I possibly cannot live without. Every day I live in constant fear of her leaving me. It is something that I can’t imagine and when I do, the future does not look right. I see a world dark and broken.

Like these many thoughts rush through my mind.

I think of past instances on how I have been mean to people and how I could go back and change it all. I think about the mistakes I have done and the big truths I have hidden from my family and friends (ps: to my best friends, I haven’t done much wrong to them, but I think I am wrong, but to other friends, I have and god I wish I could go back and reverse many moments.)

I wish I could change it all and live without that guilt in me. That’s the thing about guilt. You have no idea on when it’s going to come and creep up on you. It never leaves your side.

I have gone through that lane way too many times and still am. To one of my friend, I had promised to stay with her during the vacations but I failed to do my promise at the very last moment because I needed to go back and see my family because I was missing them way too much and I nearly cried every day because of not being with them. I left her alone. I know what I did was wrong and god, I wish I could have made a decision about it earlier and so suddenly.

But, you know those moments right? Am I a bad person? I honestly don’t know anymore. I do regret leaving her but at the same time, I just had to come back to just be myself and be with them. It was getting too much and I knew I would just break soon. I had to do something before I got damaged real bad, but that still doesn’t function as a good reason for leaving her. God….

The nights I have had thinking about this every single time has made me sleepless and just blame myself too much.

Like that, many such instances have come up, not betraying ones. The embarrassing ones I could have avoided and me still furiously thinking about it.

Then there are those ones where my entire life comes to a question. I have a theory about life. Its absurd and I know it. I have told people this and they just look at me in a very weird way.

So here goes my theory, I think that I am in a deep sleep/choma or probably dead and this life that I am living is probably a creation of my mind, I might have created these characters and accurate details of life or I know these characters from before. I don’t know.

Sometimes this theory makes a lot of sense.

So when I actually go to sleep, what about the dreams I have? They must be well created and thought too or it’s just me taking a well-deserved break. Dreams within dreams within dreams. I honestly question everything.

I don’t act on it a lot but my mind sure does.

( This theory has not been inspired by inception before, I saw Inception recently, like a few days back, this theory had been stuck with me through thick and thin since 11th grade. Maybe i might have seen Inception in an alternate universe or maybe in one of my dreams. God I am not so sure but am sure. )

Majority of the times, trying to doze off and sleep proves to be a difficult task because of the numerous countless thoughts that I have.

One thought leads to another and it is an endless vicious loop. How I get myself to sleep is by creating stories and fantasies in my mind. It proves to be a hell lot of effective because I have no idea on when idea and how I came to sleep. I love sleeping tho, I could spend hours and hours sleeping. It’s a beautiful activity.

You know when going to sleeping is an easy task? It is an easy task when you are too tired and exhausted and you hit the bed and you just fall asleep. Those are the best kinds of well-deserved sleep to ever exist.

I think about my past moments a lot, especially the ones that made me sad and happy. I tend to think about just living in those happy moments forever and not leaving that world ever. I wish I could do that but life and reality sure do have its way of sailing in rough seas. Sometimes, I feel I am way too stuck in the past and sometimes, overthinking about the future.

There are those very few moments that I have lived in the moment but at some of those moments, I overthink about how it is going to end soon and always wished it would last for long. I am truly happy in the moments that I get but I can’t help but wonder on how it could have lasted longer.

Right now as I am writing this, I am in the second month of my four-month vacation from uni and can’t help but pray every time for the vacation to go as slow as possible because I don’t want it to end and I am not ready for it to end.

I try to spend as much time as possible with my mom but sometimes you know, Netflix and then time just flashes by and I feel I have not spent enough time with her and my friends.

The thing is when I am at home with them, I know they are with me and I don’t need that constant need to stick with her throughout and talk because she is there in this very air as me, it’s when I am closer to leaving, it hits me on why I didn’t spend that much time but then now, it’s different. It’s all too different.

Overthinking every aspect of life gets dreadful.

Back in uni, my parents always make sure I have enough money for food and for expenditures and in certain cases, I have spent a lot of money unnecessarily without thinking on the hard work my dad does to earn and send me that money, which makes certain people think I am way too rich but I am not that rich. Yes, we have money but what people don’t understand is that my dad works way too hard for that and right now, he is having some crisis, and god how I wish I could help him.

Despite all that, they make sure to never complete all my wishes and they have always given me the good life despite the hard lives they live through every second of their day especially my mother.

Every night, I think about the remarks that I am too rich and I wish I could tell people that it’s not how they think it is. They have put their entire life savings into my education and have gone in debts and yes I spend quite a bit, and I see why people make that statement but it just gets to me when that remark is every single time.

My mom and dad have given me the best life and that’s why they send me the money, they don’t want to see me upset. It’s not that they have too much money to give, it’s that they will do anything for me and sometimes I have taken way too much advantage of that.

I have lived life adjusting and I know I can adjust to some things but also not some of it. Very few people know some things about me and I wish I could be more open.

I always think about my future and my goals, I don’t tell it to many people, only to people I am close to, and it’s my dream/mission/goal to show my mom the world and make her live with me because she has done so much for me and I want my mom to be the happiest person ever.

Back in uni, I always wonder on what has happened to the real me that makes me me and on how I still find it hard to express and open myself up despite the good friends I have.

I still can’t give that realness to them. I am not being fake. I have just become way too shut off and I wasn’t like that. I just don’t talk much because sometimes I feel people would just overpower me and like I don’t know. So when I am back home, I just am happy because I get to be me again.

I am not entirely saying that I am not me, there are just a certain few aspects that I think won’t change.

These are the thoughts that come to my mind every single time.

( UPDATE:  There are some things that have changed now, but I am not sure yet which of them. So I am taking my time to learn.

Publishing this post suddenly made me get my closure about certain things with myself. I feel a bit better, relieved and happy. )

A bad week

Based on a true story. This piece is inspired by recent events. The events below might not be of any big issue for everyone out there, but we all have problems and for me, this is pretty big. It all depends on one’s persepctive and the mind.

Starting from 5th August 2018, this week has been a very bad one. A week to remember. A week that now belongs to my history of bad times. A week filled with mishaps, sadness, tears, agonizing pain and loss.

Sunday morning, the 5th started with a fuss over a movie and somehow ultimately lead to me spraining my neck and being in dire agonizing pain. The day I became upset and how some things were more valuable than others.

The next day, a hangout and sleepover with my dear friend who I meet once in a blue moon, the day started out really well, ended on an extremely bad note with me losing my phone, the phone that has captured my whole life and work. A phone that wasn’t more than a year old. A phone that was very dear to me.

The guilt and sadness consumed me, times were tough and this week has not been easy in any manner.

The only good thing that happened was watching my favorite actor who I love and adore so much make his Bollywood Debut in a movie called Karwaan. For those 2 hours, he made me forget all my worries and I was the happiest person alive. Made me smile and forget my worries. Dulquer Salmaan.

Then I was snapped back into reality again, but I felt better than before. Even the tiniest ray of a good moment is enough to make your day be a bit better.

What was the point of this week? What was it trying to establish here? What good did all the bad things do? What lesson have I learned? I wonder why it all happened and I get upset all over again.

From my perspective, and based on my outlook and that of my parent’s, sometimes bad things need to happen, not because of the good things that are going to come, sometimes it needs to happen for you to learn something.

Sometimes, you need the bad things in your life to be aware of how life is not all ideal just because you have been having a good time recently.

Sometimes you need that big blow/thud to get hold of you and teach you something, or maybe you needed it.

Before the major mishap happened with my phone, my mom read my horoscope which stated that I had to be very careful this week as this week would be “quite the bad week” and boy oh boy, it has proved that.

I always have been a believer in horoscopes. Today, I read that I could be overly concerned with what’s wrong and I shouldn’t let mistakes or errors like these to take too much of my time. As always, it surprised me and I was shooketh.

What have I learned?

So that’s what I am trying to do, trying to not let my mind get consumed by whatever has happened. It’s hard to not let it go. It’s hard for my mind to help but not wander at the same corner of destruction and replay and live through everything that went wrong. My parents consoled and told me it was okay and mistakes happen. After all, we are just humans, God’s creation, in this big world.

It’s hard to follow that advice until it has not happened with you, but as I said or so the world has said, that is life.

Things happen, we have to move on. If we ponder on what’s wrong with everything in our life, we might only have time for that and not for things or goals that matter to us. Time is a tricky rascal and a weird friend. Sometimes, all you need is time and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you have praises for it and at times, you throw around curses at it. That’s the same thing as life.

I still can’t help but wonder why.

Thus, this was a mistake and I am trying to move on. Things look promising and sometimes not. Go with the flow, be careful and learn from it. Try not to ponder and get upset over it. It’s hard but you have to try. There are good and bad things out there. So, learn and embrace it. It does shape who you are and your mind.

Move on. This ain’t that bad because there are things much worse yet to come. Things much worse have happened and you have come through it. So, let time take care of this and you take care of your mind.

Bye for now.

 

Confessions

Writing, a skill everyone has, but very few people in this world have the power to create an impact or an effect with those words.

I know quite a lot of people who have that spark to create a profounding meaningful impact, and sometimes I often wonder whether I have been given that or whether am I any good at it.

Have I or Can I ever impact anyone with my words? Do they like reading what I write? If not, then how can I impact them? But then, I am happy with what I write. Questions like these roam and buzz around my mind.

I write a lot, a lot of unpublished ones pile up like a pile of lego blocks reaching up towards the sky. Many thoughts protrude in my head and each piece arises from a thought or a feeling.

I have been writing for quite some time, especially on my Instagram, but for a few months, it has come to a halt.

Why did I stop?

Maybe it was the lack of appreciation or feedback, or maybe the undying thought of me not being good enough when compared to others, or maybe I lost my passion, or I simply didn’t have anything to write on.

I have been a person who tends to thrive on compliments and feedback, so when that stopped or started becoming less, I guess somewhere I just lost my passion to post about what I write. I know that this a wrong reason and I want to deny it.

Also somewhere along the lines, I simply lost the zest and zeal to come up with anything new to write.

I started this blog of mine because now, I don’t mind or at least I think I don’t. I am trying not to mind. It’s going well but it’s hard.

It’s been quite some time with this blog now, it’s still a new creation under works. I am proud of it. A platform where I can truly share.

Selfish desires do exisit in me.

As a writer, a part of me would always wish and aspire for people to like what I write. As a writer, I wish my pieces would become worthy of being published somewhere. As a writer and sole creator of this blog, I wish for it to become popular and create buzz around. As a writer, I wish I could do this for a living. But most out of all, As a writer, I wish for my pieces to make people feel emotions and feelings. 

I have a wish, to publish a book about different thoughts, feelings, stories, moments and experiences. If at least one person can understand, relate to it, feel something out of it, my job is done and it’s also an added bonus. 

Keeping the selfih desires ahead, I write because I love to do it. It’s my source of escape and expression. This makes my selfish desires fade away into nothingess,  but once in a bluemoon, those wishes do arise. 

When I feel demotivated or less enthusiastic, I go back to the posts I wrote, read them and the comments underneath. The comments did cheer me up, but it reminded of why I wrote.

I wrote because I loved to write and through writing, I finally found a way to place all my thoughts, actions and feelings into words.

Also somewhere in the corner of the world, if it at least makes one person happy or if they can relate to it, my task is done and as an added bonus, my happiness can also break out of its cocoon and have its time in the gleaming sunlight.

Writing has always been my comfort blanket, and I shouldn’t stop because of any of those reasons.

Many tiny reasons other than that also lie beneath this mess. I often become quite lazy as well to post over here as well on Instagram.

Like I said, many drafts lay upon me, but when it comes to publishing it, a cloud of overwhelming doubt and laziness engulf me, but I am not giving up. I won’t give up.

I feel doubtful and scared because at times, with some of the content I put up, I feel it reveals a bit too much of me or maybe the things I write could hurt some people knowingly and unknowingly.

It’s the latter reason I worry about more because I wouldn’t want to upset people but what is life without that?

This blog defines a part of who I am and I won’t let that definition fade away. I hope and pray that this enthusiasm and this definition never die in me.

I await eagerly to write and write about many things. I eagerly await for it to get published for the world to read. I eagerly await for the response. This whole process is so intoxciating and exhilarating.

I hope this excitement never fades away. I hope everything what I feel about my blog never fades away into nothingess.