The Goodbye.

Thursday 27th September, 5:53 PM

It has been quite a while since I have written and now couldn’t be a more better time to write what I feel and am going through. The only way I could express myself when I can’t express with others are through words and sentences. Words understand you and they are there to help and heal you through this. I hope I could get alright.

So the reason as to why I couldn’t write in these few days was because of shifting and well university. My parents had come along with me back to Nottingham to help shift and arrange my room and well just be there for me.

Those 9 days that were there, those 9 days I spent with them, in a matter of 9 seconds, it flew by right away and here we are, in the toughest spot, The Goodbye.

Since the moment the dawn made it’s entrance today, I became glum, sad, nervous and sad again. I cried. I wept, I hugged my mother and did not want her to leave, then we cried. They haven’t left yet, they will leave as a new dawn arises tomorrow, at 1 AM.

Why are goodbyes the hardest? How come it never gets any easier? Every single time, as I went through, it never became easier. It became harder instead. As months and time passed by, I knew one thing for sure. Things would never remian the same and one day, I would be living without them in this world, and that thought ruined and broke me.

I asked my friend the same question and he couldn’t get it more right. In his words,” It’s the bond. The connection. Deeper the bond, harder the goodbyes”

As I write now, tears fill my eyes and vision. Small drops roll down my face and I can’t help but break down both internally and externally.

As the ticking hand of the clock moves, a crack starts to form in my heart, mind and soul. Each agonizing minute passes, the hole gets bigger and deeper.

I have this feeling in my heart, a burning feeling. Not the ones that make you feel good but the one that aches and really burns you. That feeling comprises of nervouseness, anxiousness, scaredness, sadness and well burning sensation. I often get it, sometimes in the middle of no where for no reason and some times getting that feeling in situations is valid.

Right now, I have that feeling and it’s getting too much for me to handle. I can’t breathe. I don’t know.

It’s 11:02 pm and barely a few hours for them to leave.

Starting to feel like a count down to the water works.

Right now, as I see my mom and dad rest their tired  selves on my bed, I can’t help but my heart breaks with sadness as it dawns upon the reliaziation that they are leaving and I can’t physically be with them until my break. They have done so much for me when they came here, and it makes me sad. Seeing them tired is heart breaking.

I have heard all the talks, they will be in your heart, you can talk to them any time of the day but it’s different. I want to be with them in the same place, same area, at my home.

I try to distract myself by watching my favourite shows, by listening to my favourite songs. It works but only for that time being, when it ends, what am I supposed to do?

I am the kind of person that genuinely wants to be left alone when I am upset, sad and angry and also when I want to be alone. I deeply appreciate it when my friends try to distract me by taking me out, having fun and keeping my mind off things but the more they do it, the more difficult it becomes for me to deal with it. At times it really helps and I am glad it did but in the rest of the many times, it hasn’t. I would like to try but forcing is just going to make it worse. I have my own way of deailing with it and it won’t or it doesn’t seem like the best way but it works. I need that time alone to be sad, angry and upset. It helps me.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with what life presents, I am not saying that what I do is the best way, but it helps, but at times it hurts other people seeing me like this and it hurts them because they don’t know how they can help me out. So what am I supposed to do? I would want to be left alone, but also when there is company, I do sometimes forget the troubles life offers. I guess it’s all with the flow.

At 1:00 AM 

It was time for them to leave, half an hour left. I did not have any tears to spare, so I bid farewell and a goodbye to my mom and dad with a small forced smile on my face. As they boarded the cab, I expected myself to cry but to my surprise I didn’t. When I returned back to my room, I felt an instant nostalgaia hit with waves of sadness becuse a few moments before, I was here with my mom and dad. So this goodbye was a good one and a better one. It was a better goodbye probably because I cried it all out earlier, maybe that’s the technique I am going to adopt now.

At 2:34 AM

I am in the comfort of my bed and room. I guess I am calm and not as upset as I hoped to be. Is that a good thing or will it hit me later? I made myself a cup of tea, it was my first tea and it was a success!! I couldn’t be more happier and proud of myself. The tea calmed me down along whilst I watched Victorious on Netflix. I also had a nice chit chat with one of my room mates. It was nice.

I also talked to my parents and well we didn’t seem much upset. It was good. For once, it felt nice not to cry.

And now as the final conclusion, I think I might watch a movie or I might finally sit and complete this post, but I wouldn’t want to force myself to complete this because forced things often never result with the most authentic and close heart felt piece.

It was a good end to a pretty sad day. Ends like these are good and I do hope to seek more.

 

The Goodbye part 2, To be continued…

A week of philosophies, The conclusion.

Day 7

17th September 2018

 

So here lies the end…

An end to all the learnings.

It was a very enlightening experience indeed.

I have learnt some different philosophies of lives and I am happy to say that I have incorporated a bit of each into my life. I am learning and trying, after all I am just a human.

It also feels a bit ovewhelming and tiring reminding myself of these philosophies at each and every moment when things go bad. It gets hard.

So I try to take 5 deep breaths. In that 5 deep breaths, I think and evaluvate, I let myself be calm and not overreact. I try to think before I do or say anything. I think about what I have learnt in this week. It helps me.

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Trust me, I have quite the bit of the temper and a difficult mentality and reaction to changes and I know giving out advice is easy but following them is very hard. But I have to try. I can be equally optimistic and pessimistic. It’s like a balance but I try really hard not to let the bad affect me because it would not destroy me but also destory the ones that I love. We can’t be a saint and a positive goodie tosho at all times, but if it’s possible we can try.  Trying is one step close to suceeding.

The world and the life that I live can have some bad days but they won’t last forever, probably some of it’s effects might, but that’s the thing about life. One can never truly be a 100% happy, but we can try.

I look forward to life teaching me more and I look forward for all the lessons that lie ahead.

This is my last post whilst I am in Dubai.So this week of learnings has prepared me for that ride and journey. Until next time, my beautiful home, family and friends. It’s a tough ride, even though I am completely not up for it, I still do have to go.

It’s all going to be worth it, some day. I can’t wait for that some day to happen, while it may take some time, I am going to try and make the best of the life that I am having right now.

 

Quote to end the day

Some things are worth it in the long run and this ride is. 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

A week of philosophies, Day 6

This is a new thing that I am trying and focussing on.

Few philosophies that I like can resonate with, that can express my feelings or concepts that simply I needed to hear and be inspired by.

A week of philosophies. 7 different ways to look and learn about various aspects and views of life.

7 days to learn new, different 7 philosophies and incorporate these learnings into my life.

 

Day 6 September 16th 2018

Today’s philosophy: Karma

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What is Karma?

Men are not punished for their sins, but by them.

— Elbert Hubbard

“What goes around comes around.” That’s the basic rule of Karma. How Karma functions.

This use of the term suggests a lack of personal power or responsibility for being at both the cause and the effect of what occurs in one’s life. Using the phrase “it’s my karma” suggests victimhood, and karma is anything but victimhood.

Just as gravity is a law of the physical world, so is karma a law of the spiritual world. We are held responsible for our actions and, more precisely, for the intention of our actions. This responsibility exists within the context of an individual soul’s relationship with God. When one deliberately disobeys the will of God, karma is accrued. It is the intent of one’s actions that generate karma.

Why this scares and intrigues me?

Like gravity, karma is so basic we often don’t even notice it.

— Sakyong Mipham

To be punished or to be gifted for our actions and deeds.

I never believed in the whole Karma notion a few years back, but my good and wrong actions got what it deserved and gave me what I needed to have in a whole different way and story. It always did. Yet I never believed in it why?

When my friend told me about Karma, I still had a hard time believing it, but then I did a reflection on life and it’s workings. That’s when it hit me. It was there all this time. It really was there it really did exist.

This has now become a concept I truly believe in but also wonder why it works and exists. Both for good and bad. I often would wonder how the world would function if not for this.

Would people be pursuing the wrong actions and never get punished for it? What about the good folks, will they get what they deserve? How and why?

There are times when Karama has worked in the worst ways possible, and I wonder why. I wonder why for my family, friends and myself. What heinous actions have we done to deserve the worst? Is it because of the actions of our loved ones that affect us? Or are these the actions that we have committed unknowingly?

I often wonder why God would do this? Sometimes the struggles we are being put through, I wonder why. Did we do something in our past lives to deserve this? Or does it just happen?

 

The world works in it’s fine and mysterious ways that can sometimes kill or fix people.

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But then it also worked in the most amazing best ways as possible. I am not a very bad person, okay maybe in the deepest corners of my soul, I do wish people that I don’t like or who have done the absolute worst to my family and me should deserve the worst, or they should get a taste of their own medicine. And boy oh boy, have they got it!!

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I have a love-hate relationship with this force. I can’t expect it to work in my favour at all times, but I also know that I can expect it to be my side and it will come to me when I deserve it.

So far, this year has given me all kinds of karma I deserved in both good and bad ways.

I often forget Karma at times and sometimes end up doing things that I am not so proud of and have also suffered from my actions in my own way.

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If not now, then definitely later I have. Each bad and good story of my life teaches me different lessons and reminds me of one thing every time.

Things happen, sometimes they are meant to be and sometimes not. We should try to see the best in it, and also sometimes it’s okay we can’t adapt to it or see the best in everything. We should try. We should do good actions and deeds if we expect the world to be kind to us as well.

 

(A Special Thank You to this song for helping me out. Even though I didn’t understand some of the words in it, it still helped me connect more with Karma and also helped me write. So, Thank You for making this song. )

 

Quote to end the day with

A reminder to myself and to us all. Good actions get you good karma, and wrong actions get you the absolute worst from the lot. 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

 

 

A week of philosophies, Day 5

This is a new thing that I am trying and focussing on.

Few philosophies that I like can resonate with, that can express my feelings or concepts that simply I needed to hear and be inspired by.

A week of philosophies. 7 different ways to look and learn about various aspects and views of life.

7 days to learn new, different 7 philosophies and incorporate these learnings into my life.

 

Day 5, September 15th 2018

Today’s philosophy: Phenomenalism

 

What is Phenomenalism?

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Phenomenalism is the position that the physical world exists only as sensory data in the perception of minds, and not as a substance or a thing in itself. Phenomenalism is a form of idealism.

Weaker phenomenalism states only that the sense perception can be known to exist, and that it is either meaningless or useless to talk of objects outside of perception. Stronger versions deny that anything exists outside of sense perception.

Why I find this fascinating?

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It’s exciting to know that such concepts exist. Why have they been made in the first place?

It’s crazy to think that the physical world is only the perception of our mind. Nothing we sense or see or hear or taste is real. Everything is non-existent? Our brains and minds playing tricks with us to making us believe that there is a physical world out there. Why?

Are we trapped in some sort of dream state? This is some severe inception shady business. Are we in some new bound technology that has forced us to become like this?
Are we drugged and we all are imagining this? Is something wrong with the air that we breathe, is it some sort of toxic drug to make us think like this? Or is this just how our mental state is?

I feel like I do not have a proper grasp of this concept, but my mind is taking me to different theories and places with this one baffling philosophy.

When I am free and left on my own, my mind wanders to such depths it has never done before. It crawls through a portal and awakes a creature or some sort of sense that helps me in creating these concepts and theories of life.

When I heard about the philosophy Phenomenalism, my mind simply couldn’t just grasp the concept.

I knew many different people thought of many different things, but to come up with a philosophy like this, it was indeed amazing. It made me wonder what else do humans think about. I wish there were some sort of way that we could seek a way into their minds and unravel what more they believe.

So when we touch, the thing that we feel is not real? So what our sensory receptors feeling then? Are our minds simply creating these illusions and feelings? Well if it is, then our minds are definitely more stronger, creative, different and way more out of our hands.

The end

This one is different from the others. I just had to lay down all my thoughts on interesting concepts like these. I want people to know and understand there lies a world infront of us with so many unique and intriuging concepts.

It’s a one of a kind feeling to uncover and discover things like these and I wanted to share it with you and the world.

I hope you too enjoy it as much as I did and I can’t wait to hear your thoughts about all of it and more.

Goodbye for now. Until tomorrow, with a new concept

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A week of philosophies, Day 4

This is a new thing that I am trying and focussing on.

Few philosophies that I like can resonate with, that can express my feelings or concepts that simply I needed to hear and be inspired by.

A week of philosophies. 7 different ways to look and learn about various aspects and views of life.

7 days to learn new, different 7 philosophies and incorporate these learnings into my life.

 

Day 4, September 14th 2018

Today’s philosophy: Existentialism

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What is Existentialism?

Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself.

Jean-Paul Sartre

Existentialism in the broader sense is a 20th century philosophy that is centered upon the analysis of existence and of the way humans find themselves existing in the world. The notion is that humans exist first and then each individual spends a lifetime changing their essence or nature.

In simpler terms, existentialism is a philosophy concerned with finding self and the meaning of life through free will, choice, and personal responsibility. The belief is that people are searching to find out who and what they are throughout life as they make choices based on their experiences, beliefs, and outlook. And personal choices become unique without the necessity of an objective form of truth.

An existentialist believes that a person should be forced to choose and be responsible without the help of laws, ethnic rules, or traditions.

Why was I inspired to take this philosophy today?

“Life has no meaning a priori… It is up to you to give it a meaning, and value is nothing but the meaning that you choose.”

Jean-Paul Sartre

The idea is very intirguing indeed, and I know this is what all of us, the world follows. We all are own unique individuals with different beliefs. This has always inspired me to always stay real and true to myself and the world.

We can decide who we are, we don’t need the world to write down what we need to be and do.

But at very rare times, I do get stuck and question myself and my purpose. Why? This  is called an existential crisis. I might not be facing a full blown existential crisis, but it’s always good to know what I am facing and how I could get over it.

An “Existential Crisis” is when and individual person starts to question their entire existence and questioning if being alive even has a point or if it’s all pointless. So when one finds themselves in that crisis, what do we do to resolve it? How do we get out of it?

How does one get out of an existential crisis?

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Even if I haven’t had a full blown existential crisis, it’s always good to know how to get out of one. So I researched ways and found some of the ways that could help me and you get out of it.

I coudn’t sum it all up just in a few lines, so I would be attaching a few links that will help.

  1. https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-an-Existential-Crisis
  2. https://peopledevelopmentmagazine.com/2016/10/02/existential-crisis/
  3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/how-be-grown/201401/how-work-through-existential-crisis
  4. http://www.artofwellbeing.com/2018/07/20/funk/

 

Today’s quote to end the day

“There is something infantile in the presumption that somebody else has a responsibility to give your life meaning and point… The truly adult view, by contrast, is that our life is as meaningful, as full and as wonderful as we choose to make it.”
Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion

A week of philosophies, Day 3

This is a new thing that I am trying and focussing on.

Few philosophies that I like can resonate with, that can express my feelings or concepts that simply I needed to hear and be inspired by.

A week of philosophies. 7 different ways to look and learn about various aspects and views of life.

7 days to learn new, different 7 philosophies and incorporate these learnings into my life.

Day 3, September 13th 2018

Today’s philosophy: Stocism

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What is Stoicism?

“External thinks are not the problem. It’s your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.” 

Marcus Aurelius

In simple words, Stoicism sets out to remind us of how unpredictable the world can be.

Stoicism doesn’t concern itself with complicated theories about the world, but with helping us overcome destructive emotions and act on what can be acted upon.

The Stoics focus on two things:

  1. How can we lead a fulfilling, happy life?
  2. How can we become better human beings?

The goal of Stoicism is to attain inner peace by overcoming adversity, practicing self-control, being conscious of our impulses, realizing our ephemeral nature and the short time allotted.

It’s important that we understand the obstacles that we face and not run from them; it’s vital that we learn to transmute them into fuel to feed our fire. But at the very root of the thinking, there is a very simple, though not easy, way of living. Take obstacles in your life and turn them into your advantage, control what you can and accept what you can’t.

To understand more in depth about the concept, I have put down a video that can make you all understand the concept with ease and clarity.

Origin

“Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.”

Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

Stoicism originated as a Hellenistic philosophy, founded in Athens by Zeno of Citium (modern day Cyprus), c. 300 B.C.E. … The name comes from the Stoa Poikile, or painted porch, an open market in Athens where the original Stoics used to meet and teach philosophy.

Why was I inspired to choose this?

“How does it help…to make troubles heavier by bemoaning them?”

Seneca

We may not always have control of the events that affect us but we do have control over our emotions, recations and ourselves. That is what inspired me to incoorporate stoicism into my life.

I want to learn how to be calm and not blame the world. I want to know how to deal with life at its worst, be understanding and not let if affect me in any bad way, shape or form.

I wish to be calm, positive, think of the best in everything, learn how to not let things get to me easily.

I want to pratice the art of stoicism in my daily life. I want to maitain an inner balance and peace within me.

 

How to practice stoicism

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Some ways that I have found to be of interest and use that could help incorporate stoicism into my life and also yours.

  1. Early morning reflectionFirstly, be thankful that you have actually woken up, many people will not have this privilege today.

    Secondly, plan how you will embrace your virtues and avoid your vices. Pick a particular philosophical precept or a personal strength you want to cultivate and think about how you can incorporate it into the day ahead. Mentally check how you will deal with any difficult situations that know may well arise.

    Thirdly, remind yourself that the only things you can control are your thoughts and your actions. Everything else is uncontrollable.

  2. Meditate and make your mind at ease. Self retreat
  3. Regular self-imposed discomfort. It is, again, both a reminder of what we have and may take for granted. Negative visualization is a simple exercise that can remind us how lucky we are.
  4. You can use a philosophical journal as a tool to discover your own shortcomings and to track the way you change over time. By constant reflection we can improve our current and future life.
  5. The thinking behind this exercise is that every situation has many layers, just like an onion. Each layer represents something that we bring to the situation and not the situation itself. It’s only by considering the core issues without the relatively unimportant layers we add that we can act according to a proper ethical framework. Stop considering your reputation or whatever personal advantage you think you may gain as part of the equation when working out what to do in a given situation. Ask yourself the following questions:
    • What value does this situation bring to everyone? You might be surprised at how many times the answer is “none”.
    • What type of qualities does this situation require? If you have these qualities then great, if not then just think of this situation as a good chance to develop them.
    • Learn from your mistakes is the ideal lesson
  6. Bed-time reflection. Think about your day what has happened. Mentally replay your entire day and then ask yourself the following questions:
    • Did I behave according to my principles?
    • Did I treat the people with whom I interacted with in a friendly and considerate manner?
    • What vices have I fought?
    • Have I made myself a better person by cultivating my virtues?

 

For more info, do check out the below sources!! They do help and provide a lot more in detail

Sources

https://dailystoic.com/10-insanely-useful-stoic-exercises/

https://howtobeastoic.wordpress.com/2016/10/13/how-i-practice-stoicism-the-nuts-and-bolts/

 

Today’s quote to end the day

Objective judgment, now at this very moment.
Unselfish action, now at this very moment.
Willing acceptance–now at this very moment–of all external events.
That’s all you need. 

– Marcus Aurelius

 

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A week of philosophies, Day 2