What awaits in 2019?

So here we are, the last day of 2018. Then 2019 begins the next day. Scary but exciting. Happy but nervous.

 

I am not going to be making resolutions, they seem like a strong word that is too hyped and does not work for me. I am going to work on myself, my goals and my dreams, try my best and learn. What I am going to do instead is just move on with 2019, focus on my goals and dreams, try my best, learn and change for the best. I am going to continue to live life like always. Make promises on the way, learn more on the way and try improving where I need to be improved. That’s what I am going to do.

 I want to start my year good, it’s a tradition in our family, more so believed and said by mom. If your new years starts in a good light, the rest of the year continues to go good. It’s a belief that I hold to my heart dearly. If we start our year good, it will go good and I would like to uphold and stick to it every single year.

 

Things to Look forward to 2019

  • Amsterdam trip with best friends!! Ready for some immersive out of the world new expericnes over there and I can’t wait for it!! New adventures and memories await!!

 

  • Planning a trip to Paris, Disneyand!! Myself being such a huge fan of Disney have never been there!! SO I AM SO STOKED TO GO TO THE CITY OF MAGIC!!! Keeping my fingers crossed for this trip to happen!! And also planning a trip to some other places as well!! Let’s hope that it happens

 

  • GOING FOR Panic! At the Disco Concert on March 26th!!! FINALLY!!!!! I Can’t wait!! Imagine listening to Brendon live, his vocals, him, THE SONGS!!! Dear lord, Have mercy!!

 

  • All my favourite shows such as the A Series Of Unfortunate Events, One Day At A Time, The Good Place, Riverdale, Brooklyn 99 all come out and then don’t even get me started on the movies that are going to come out!! 2019 IS GOING TO RULE!!

 

  • Turning the BIG 20 on May 24th. The adulthood takes over this one now. I do not know if I dread this or whether I am eagerly waiting for it. I feel more like dreading to this because I am not ready to be an adult. Are any of us ever ready?

 

This is just the start and I am sure many more awaits as I continue the journey. 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

Thoughts

In this world, there are millions of people out there. Every second, every minute, on the streets, I see people out, all sorts of people living their stories in this world. It just dawned upon me today while having dinner with my friend.

What if I could be a friend to each and every person in the world out there? Maybe that’s a bit too much. What if I knew every person and their story? What would I do knowing it? I figure it might be a bit too tedious for my brain to handle.

If I hadn’t met her at uni, what would happen, of the memories, of the bond, of it all? Then I got thinking to the other people in my life. It’s an intense and disturbing thought that often troubles me when I have it. Many thoughts that I have are intense and distrbuing but some of the thoughts people find disturbing, I find it to be exciting.

What would have happened if I wouldn’t have met my friends? Would I meet the people who I would like? Would I be truly alright?  Would I have shared the same sort of connection? It has to be fate and destiny right? Or is it us just moving on and going with the flow?

What if I lived another life in another country with a different background and setting? Maybe I would just meet other people, make best friends there, probably change and learn something about myself.

While eating, we talked. We talked about life and the struggles. We all have them, don’t they? Everyone has their own struggles and problems, some worse than the rest of the world. But it doesn’t mean that what we have is also not worse. It’s worse in our own way.

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Why do some people struggle more in their life than others? Some people might have it all, and still, they seem to lack something or the other. Also, I often see that why does bad stuff happen to good people often?

What is this way of life? I see that some people despite being so kind and so generous, they tend to have the worst of the earth’s hits on them and the bad often gets away with it at times, or many of the times.

So when do they pay for this? At the time of death or after death?

I see it in my own life. We all get consequences for the actions we commit and do, and it pains me to see them happen in my own family. Some people do deserve it but seeing them struggle through it hurts me.

 

A random thought

I just finished watching Blackmirror- Bandersnatch that my best friend recommended and holy mother forking shirt balls, it is one of the brilliantly made movies I have watched in a long time, you get to choose your own choices and your own end to the film. I tried out all the possible ends, but I do have two left which I can’t wait to discover. I just feel that whatever end I choose, it’s grim. I have tried to discover a happy ending but it simply doesn’t exisit, and if it does exisit in the show, that’s simply not the end. It’s a false lie to make you feel better for yourself and the character. That’s all what it truly is.

I do not wish to spoil it for the people but have your minds ready to be forking amazed and baffled and tricked by.

I have always loved Black Mirror because it makes you think and ponder about everything in life and about the things you have never doubted but will start to when you watch this show. It’s a very interesting and unique take on the world, it’s technology. This show makes you think and question so much. Some of the episodes are merely frightening because you know there are the chances of it happening. Every episode in black mirror is different, so you have the option of watching any episode from any season because it’s not connected.

Watching Black Mirror does make you question everything of our existence and what the future holds for us.

It’s a brilliant show that deserves all the hype. 

 

I have many thoughts on different things, feelings, objects, the world, people, concepts and so much more that I just cannot hold onto. Every thought that I have connects to an other, and it just keeps going on and linking and latching onto every possibility it gets. I do not know how I do it, don’t we all?

We find our minds skipping to one thing and then to another. It’s a game of hopscotch, I tell you. 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

2018, what a year!

A lot has changed over the last year, and I am going to take you guys and myself through the year’s journey. I decided to do this for myself because I wanted to know, discover and be greatful for what has happened and also learn.

So here we go!!

 

What has happened over the last year? 

1 year of completion towards my degree done. 2 years left. Year 2 going on. Wow, time moves fast.

2018 is the year where I am going to be a teenager for the last time before I hit the big 20. My teenage years come to an end and I have to welcome the 20’s and adulthood offically…

Got my first tattoo done on my wrist on March 14!! That was exciting and I can’t believe it’s been that short. I thought I got it done last year but apparently not. More tattoos to come.

 

I have got a placement as an achievement coach in one of the schools that starts next year, 2019.  Bonus: I am also getting paid. It’s a start people and I am excited for what’s more to come.

Did an internship for Young Times, a children’s magazine owned by one of the leading newspapers, Khaleej Times in Dubai. I was a writer for the magazine and damn it felt proud to see my name under the pieces that went in the magazine.

MET DULQUER SALMAAN!!!!!! MY BIGGEST FAVOURITE MOST ADMIRABLE ACTOR/HERO OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!! THIS WAS THE BIGGEST HIGHLIGHT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!! IT WAS MY LIFE LONG DREAM AND IT HAPPENED. 29th July, you will always carry a special place in my heart!! Thank you to my best friend Raveena for being there with me throughout. Waited there with me for 8 hours and the wait was worth it because I got to meet and also side hug him!! Whenever I go back to that day, I am always in disbelief, shock and the happiest!! It was the best!!

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Gave a surprise to my best friend Raveena when I went to Dubai unexpectedly. Her reaction was to die for and it was my first time giving and planning a surprise for my best friend.   It was legend……. wait for it DARY!!!!

Met my best friends after a long time and we had the most amazing fun!! Gosh, what I would give to go back to those days!! But I am living life and moving with the flow of making new memories and more.

Started my blog and I am very happy with where it’s going and what I am doing. I love the pieces that I have put and I am glad people like it!! I thank all the 77 people that follow me and I soon hope to hit a 100 by the end of the year, but if not, that’s alright because I am happy that I have made it this far!!

Part of the Impact magazine of the university!! So I do write for them online. That included covering an event which was very exciting. I took over their Instagram, it was pretty cool and dope.

My mom and dad came to the UK, it’s a big thing because it’s our first time as a family that we all went abroad in the 19 years of my life. It wasn’t particularly a holiday, they came here to help me move into my flat but it was pretty dope, memorable and the best!! My mom was so happy and joyous and it was so good seeing her that happy!! It was her dream to come here and I was so happy that it came true!!

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Tried new things, enjoyed some and also not.

Watched loads of movies over the last few months and I am so proud of myself because I love watching and discovering new movies!! It’s very interesting to see stories, concepts come alive and some of the movies that I have watched have jumped into my all-time favorite movies list. Also watched some new shows.

Listened and discovered different songs and artists. Made my playlist that I dearly love and enjoy!! It’s such a huge moment and an accomplishment. I feel proud and on top of the world.

Listening to podcasts and reading the news a bit more because I want to be aware of what happens around the world and want to gain a bit more knowledge.

I have learned more about what to do, improving my self and how I work.

Met new people, made some good friends with them. Enjoying it all.

Being a bit more social but also having the alone time that I need.

Been productive most of the time and I am happy about it.

I have learned how to cope up more with my emotions and still learning.

Experimented with my hair by dip dyeing it and I loved every breathing living minute of it!! Then finally switched to highlighting my hair with dark brown. I am glad and happy to say, I have found my colour and this colour is it!!

 

 

Had quite some lows with friends, but with time going by, I became better and now we are all good. Better friendships and connections have been made with people I never expected I would be that good friend with. It’s all in the process.

Haven’t read many books yet apart from the books I was supposed to read for my course. But I have done alright. Tried, but will do better in the next year.

LOST MY PHONE, which was one of the biggest low of my 2018. I learnt my lesson the hard way, sometimes these things are meant to happen, but I still will never understand why.

Went for a Beyonce and Jay-Z concert! It was lit AF and it kind of got me into rap but I am not a huge fan of Rap. So, that’s a start to something new.

Went to the Harry Potter Studios in London and it was a dream come true!! I bought myself Hermonie’s wand, Gryffindor’s shirt, robe, flag and pins!! It was quite the fortune but totally worth it because I had my costume ready for this Haloween!! A Wizard!!

Went for Winter Wonderland with my best friend, I am scared about roller coasters and rides and I did it. It felt liberating and frightening. One step closer or many steps away from not letting them win me over. Thank you Urjiva for being there and for always trying to kill me by making me do these things. And Bahaha I look cute in this pic and so do you!!

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The Goose Fair of Nottingham, 2018!! It was the best and with the best people, it was one of the most amazing experinces I had. These are the memories and days I live for.

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Celebrated Diwali 2018 in Lesicter with my friends!! It was fucking lit!! The fire works, burtsing crackers, the rain, the streets, the gaintwheel. It feels good.

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Had the best sleepover with my best friend Raveena and it was her first sleepover with me!! So it feels really special!!

And also met my best friend Dale after so long and caught up with her!! It feels the best to catch up with your best friends after so long!!

Cooking, learning how to cook better. Still doing the adult life, feeling the independence, the rush, learning the struggles and still doing it.

So many good movies came out and I got to watch them!! I am so grateful for it!! AND ALSO DRUMMMROLLLLLLL,    Many new trailers came out for the movies I have been waiting and dying for and they are so worth it!!! FOR EXAMPLE AVENGERS ENDGAME!!!!  Gosh, it was emotionally so worked up!! I loved every bit of it and this was just a teaser trailer!! Imagine what the trailer would be like!!

So that is my 2018 wrapped. 

How was yours? I would love to know what you guys were upto, do share down below in the comments 

 

 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Signing off and I will see on 2019 right over here and I won’t be leaving any time soon. 

 

 

Resolutions?

All these years, I have made resolutions at the start of every year, and I follow it for a month, maybe less or maybe up to 1 and a half but then I just don’t bother to do it because it feels forced. It feels weird acting on resolutions.  It feels overhyped, and then the hype dies down.

If I want to improve and change, why wait for the year to start? Why not start it now and just move on with it.

So this year, I am not making resolutions, instead, I am going to do what I always have been doing and also learn along the way. If I want to learn new skills, why make it a resolution, why use that heavy word? I am going to start acting on it now like I always have

I have some goals that I wish to achieve which are as follows:

  • Bullet Journaling, I do not want to to do it in the typical way that I have seen on Youtube. I want to write more about what happens every day, the small goals and all of it.
  • I want to just go on walks more and find time for myself and also for my friends.
  • I want to start reading more, discovering new music and I want to watch more movies because getting into all these worlds, understanding the characters, admiring them, trying to inhabit and capture some of those into you is a process I love.

Apart from them, there are these other goals that I wish to achieve and that I will do as I move forward.

So I am not going to wait for the New Year to start all the goals except for bullet journaling because I want to do that in the typical orderly style, and besides December is almost over. So, giving Bullet Journaling a new start.

Just say you are going to do it and do it if you feel it ain’t up your stream, it’s alright to let go of it, but also don’t be a quitter in everything. It will take time to find what you hold dear the most. It can be a goal, a hobby and a passion.

So don’t wait for a specific time to start acting on your goals and dreams, no matter how small and big they are, the timing doesn’t matter. It’s the effort, passion, thought and work you put into it is what makes it successful and worth it. It’s never too early or late to work on what you always wished and wanted to do.

I understand why New Year, New Me sounds tempting, it’s the chance to step on over a new leaf, metaphorically and figuratively. I also often get tempted to start on a brand new leaf on a new year, but then I find myself going back to those old ways again because that newness simple fades away after those first few days.

That new year blends into the whole year and then flashes by. So that’s why I decided to do whatever I want to do just from that very moment itself. 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

Obsessions, Crushes and Love

Lately I have been obsessed with Panic! At The Disco, more sepcific Brendon Urie… What a god, so divine!!  I have always enjoyed and loved him and his music but lately I have started to take a bit more delight and turned up my obsession streak a bit top notch when I bought tickets to go for his concert in March.

That’s when it all began plumetting down. My obsession and fascination with Brendon Urie increased and now I am in love too deep.

This is the downfall of guys like Brendon Urie, why do they exisit if I can’t be with them?

JUST LOOK AT HIM, YOU CAN SEE HOW ONE FALLS IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN, it’s not only the looks but his personality and his god damn voice!! He is so real and so raw and true. That’s what makes him even more hot, atrractive and so lovable!! I am so happy for his marriage and him and Sarah are just so blessed to have each other!! He is such a wild spirit and you never know what he is up to!!

The amount of times I have died and lost my breath and mind looking at these GIF’s!!!! Also I just love him in glasses, cause MAHN HE IS SMOKIN!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Guys like these create unrealistic expectaions of all the guys out there and I am out looking for the one who fits into all my categories. Why can’t I have you????? The world is unfair

It’s really hard and God do I envy the women/men that are with these men? How god damn lucky are they?! I mean I am glad they found thier one but one can’t help but be terribly infuriated and jealous and upset. I am sorry, that’s just how I work… ( inserts I don’t give a damn face)

I find it really hard to like a guy because I cant’ find people who fit the description. There are very few, maybe five in thousands, but well it’s also a matter of them liking me. So it’s a complete loss-loss situation.I am the girl who watches movies and shows, read books, listens to music and then develop some serious crusheson the guys who are in all of the above which turns into love which then destorys me because I know I can never have them

These OTP’s, fanfictions they make my heart melt but also they are the worst because I expect love to be like that or to find love like that but in reality, we know that ain’t gonna happen. Somewhere in my mind, deep deep very deep inside, I would like to believe it’s gonna happen. All one can do is hope.

And also, this is where the mind does brilliance, I create stories in my beautiful worlds where I can be with them!! It’s just perfect in my head and how I wish I could live in that world of mine.

 

So, in this blog, I am going to mention the 7 people who I have always loved and will always love.

I obsesses and fantaszie more than these 7 people. I do have momentary crushes on celebs that last for months and will always be in the crush list, but these 7 people in this list will always remain in my heart forever and I will forever keep obsessing and fantasizing over them even after I get married, have kids, till the day I die and even in the after life. I am not going to rank them in any order because they all are at the special place in different ways. I already mentioned Brendon in the beginning and now here comes the rest!!

( Gosh you have no idea how excited I am!!)

Chris Evans

So humble, funny and the most down to earth guy out there!! The moment he steps on to any room, he lights it up with his vibrant self and that god damn smile. His sense of humor is the fucking best!! He is so open with everyone and he is such a kind and generous soul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zayn Malik

I have always loved Zayn since the beginning of One Direction!! It took him real guts to leave One Direction and I do admire him for that, but I still can’t help but feel a bit sad. For me, he will always be a part of 1D, but apart from that, now he is doing so great with his music and he is so happy that he gets to express himself and I couldn’t be more excited with his music and himself. He is so free now and it really gives me joy!! I am loving him as an Artist and he is one of my top favourite artisit that I always listen to and his music is splendid on so many different levels. Wattpad fanfictions are also a result of me loving him more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dulquer Salmaan

Dulquer Salmaan, DS. He is such a great actor oh my dear lord!! He cares for his fans so much, I love his adventure and his enthusiams as an actor. He is so bold and always takes risks with his movies that I admire. He is such a versatile and such a good method actor.. I love all his movies and seeing him so free spiritied is such a vibe in itself espcially in the movie Charlie that is my all time favourite movie of his!! ALSO I GOT TO MEET HIM IN PERSON WHICH WOULD ALWAYS REMIAN ONE OF THE BEST MEMORIES OF ALL TIME

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ben Barnes

I mainly love him for how gorgeous and hot he is!! Especially in Westworld and Punisher and I also love his voice in the movie Jackie and Ryan especially in the song Southbound

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tom Felton

Seeing him as Draco Malfoy, a misunderstood chracater was the start to it all. His British accent tho!! It is so charming to hear and then seeing him in The Flash and his new series. I just love his personlaity, so humorus and jokey in a fun way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tyler Hoechiln but more so in the role of Derek Hale from Teen Wolf

He is a badass and well a warewolf, what more can I say?! He has a bomb personlity that I find hot and sexy as hell. What can I say?!, I have a thing for supernatural creatures like him NOT GHOSTS, can include demons if they are hot like Brendon from Emperor’s new clothes.

 

So, to sum it all up, that’s it!!

I would love to know who you guys crush on, cause I would also like to expand and explore my option!!

The Last Day of 2018 at Nottingham

13th December 2018, 1:00 AM

 

Sleep refues to potrude and take over me, what do I do at times like these? I take out my laptop, watch a few shows, listen to some music especially to Panic! At The Disco because they are love, and they are life.

 

Now it’s 10:40 pm, a few hours left to go

I slept for a few hours, after I started to write this post. This girl needs her sleep. After my sleep, I woke up, did my laundry, changed bed sheets, cleared out the garbage and fridge, cleaned the washroom, vacumed the floor, ate food, slept and now continuing to finish this post before I leave.

Looking forward to 2019 because too many exciting things are happening, which I will tall about later in my later blog post.

Right now, I am going to focus on my feelings on the last day of 2018 here, at Nottingham, a place that feels like home now thanks to the “good group of friends” I have. I put them in quotes because, inside joke…… And if my friends read this post, they will kknow about it. Now I know whether you read my posts or not.

So, getting back to my feelings. I feel a bit nervous and very excited to go back home. Why does it feel werid tho? Going back to your own home. It feels like such a long break and then you returning back to your home is a whole sort of process in itself. The whole nervous, anxious bit, the sadness of leaving your friends, the journey and the airplane ride in itself. It is such a pain but it’s worth it.

I try not to think about the time that I have to come back in January because I want to be more of the version of myself where I do not want to worry about every worrying moment of the future, I want to live each day without worrying about every bit. I want to enjoy and live in the time, at the moment.

It’s a process in learning and making.

So right now, I am excited and staring at the clock real hard waiting for the hourse to go by fast so that I can reach home and then pray and hope for the clock to start working really slow when I reach back home. I want time to go as slow as possible the minute I set foot in Dubai.

 

14th December, 1:30 AM

My Last Day.

I look towards the clock tick and anxiosuly wait for each hour to pass by fast so that I can leave for home. I walk around, pace in my room, listen to some songs to kill some time, partciualrly more of Panic! at the disco and Zayn’s new ablum Icarus Falls. Also killing some time by watching some interviews.

So right now, I feel excited, nervous and ready. I am also relived because I wanted to post this piece before I left and now that I have, I feel free and liberated.

The minute it hits 3, I know that I can’t containt it in me anymore. Just one more hour and I am on my way to the airport and then comes the tedious journey.

I am so ready to go back home.

 

 

This feeling

This thought down below is something I have jotted down in the past. This work down below describes how I feel when I get anxious.

 

I woke up with a feeling today

A feeling that hasn’t breached me since a long time

A feeling that never pricked me in this sort of manner

A feeling that I usually get at every point of my day and life but never got it when my eyes woke up to the sunlight

This feeling pounces upon me in the midst of nowhere

I do not know what causes it

There was a sense of dread and wreck havocing my heart and body

I felt anxious and overwhelmed at every step and turn I took

An uneasy darkness took over my heart and mind and I stood there from a distance watching and being helpless

I tried everything that I could, I tried shifting my mind to one thought from an other, I tried to think of things and moments that made me happy

I would have any other feeling rather than this

This feeling was the worst of all

It was dreadful, an eeary sense of bad aura wraps me in an instant

My heart aches and pounds, I am not sure why

I feel it race and each minute gets harder by the second

My breath gets shaky, it doesn’t get easier by the minute, it gets ragged

Nothing much goes on in my mind except for the thought on how do I get rid of this feeling

Every bad thought, lies and moments come to my mind and it keeps filling in

It feels as I am in a tank and with water flooding in making it hard to breathe

I am trying to think of why and what went wrong and is there anything I can do to fix it

I could think of many reasons as to why I feel like this but nothing doesn’t seem to fit the piece in the puzzle

When I am all calm, I try to take a few steps back and look upon the puzzle again, I never realize what made me go into such an anxious mood

Sometimes I do figure it out, and I learn from it but the other times, I don’t know what causes it. So what do I do?

I am exhausted and tired, I do not know what to do and what to think

I am weary of this feeling and I wish and desire to be not burdened by this

I do not want you to get embedded in me

How do I free myself of you?