Hearing Voices and Seeing Things

I hear voices, voices that are familiar calling out to me, calling out my name in a playful tone. It teases and taunts me in a manner so serious yet so playful… Why?

Sometimes it’s natural and it seems it’s meant to be there.

Sometimes these voices sound like my mother, most of them are my mother. Then I hear voices of strangers, voices of strangers I have once heard in a crowd and then forgot. Then I hear the voices of my friends or acquaintances call me out when I am in my deep thoughts or about to slumber.

These voices do not say much, all I hear is my name loud yet faint escape from their lips. It does not scare me at all because I somewhat believe they are a manifestation of my mind or a really super cool ability of some sort and designed for some purpose because if it supernatural related to ghosts and demons, I think I might die because I have no faint clue on how to deal with that.

At times I do hear conversations but very faint.

These voices intrigue me, is this my own mind playing tricks on me? If it is, then why? Do I miss these voices? Do I miss the company? Or am I insane?

Why do I hear these voices? What is the purpose?

Usually, I am a person who is scared of the supernatural and the unknown. In no manner do I find them intriguing… I am intrigued by the existence of supernatural creatures such as werewolves, banshee, vampires and do wish they were true.

But these voices are not supernatural, they are just there existing and maintain their balance in this universe. They are with me, they travel with me, they are there in me?

I find them fascinating and very intriguing. Why?

When I rub my eyes too hard, I always find that amidst the black, dots start to appear, colourful dots emerge and form shapes, sometimes of humans or of animals. It really does shock me but also truly surprises me, how is that possible? The people that I see are familiar and not familiar.  Sometimes it’s of the galaxy or so I think it is.

I love to see what unfolds every time I rub my eyes too hard, it’s a world of its own when I do…

 

I guess this is a part of my mind that works differently or are these manifestations of my subconscious?  

Are there any hidden meanings or symbols in them? If there are, what is expected of me to do and why? 

Do others see or hear them? Does every being have different ways or abilities similar to mine or way different?

Are we all part of something, for the better or for the worse?

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Farewell to my humble abode…

18th December 2018, this day was surely faced with a  mixed bag of emotions. On this day, I received the wonderful news which was at first devasting because me being me, I never ask for the whole details. I really should inquire about the whole rather than the half.

The news was that my dad got a wonderful job in Singapore which means we all had to leave Dubai, my home.

It was THE GOODBYE, I always dreaded and knew would come someday…

So at first, I was devasted because I realised this winter break was the last time I was truly ever at my home and also with my friends. Then it would all be packed off to Singapore… At first, I was not happy and carried a dislike to the place immediately because of you, my home was taken away from me. I had to say goodbye to it. I am not fond of goodbye’s and you made me do it…

A tip to myself and the people out there: Always remember to wait and listen to the whole details rather than staying at the half, and also ask whatever troubling questions you have about the problem. It may surprise you when the solutions are out there immediately. 

I vividly remember this day because I crashed down and broke into huge tears. This was the day I truly realized how much Dubai meant to me and the effects it had on me. It charmed me in and left me bewitched. I have been hooked onto Dubai for long as I can remember. That’s what home does to you. It’s a drug you can’t say goodbye to because it is embedded so deep in your system. You are never truly free from it.

Dubai was what kept me sane and happy. It was what I looked forward to when I came back from uni, indulging into Dubai after my experiences at uni was a comfort. When I had trouble at uni and I was so homesick and troubled by the life there, knowing that I would come back home was what that got me through those tough uncosonalble times, but now it it’s gone… The home and friendship comfort always soothed me, but now it was gone… But there are still ways to mend it…

I found out my dad got a better job at Singapore, so that means goodbye Dubai, my home for 18 years and hello to an entirely different place Singapore. I am looking forward to it, I am really excited to see what it has to offer for myself and my family. My dad and mom are happy and seeing them happy, it makes me happy. A new beginning for my family, I hope and pray for it to be a good new happy fresh start.

All happiness aside, I do feel gutted and upset that I am leaving Dubai, it has been my home for 17 years. I grew up here, lived here, roamed around here, made loads of memories and friendships here, but this wasn’t goodbye forever… The memories would stay on forever… It would always be there in me… I faced many hardships and many happiness from here, it has made me who I am. You were also a good teacher and master to me.

After the crying I did, my parents promised and reassured that I would come back here for my vacations and meet my friends and my home So I am not worried and upset about it, but it truly does suck having your home snatched away. Leaving the place where you call home, and then doing the adjusting process all over again. It takes time for me to adjust to a new place and that was evident when I had to do it in uni. If only, I could have listened before crying, but maybe it was good for me to get it all out of my system. Crying is one of the most effective ways for me to get whatever I have out. Crying is not a sign of weakness, it helps me get it all out and I feel much better. Talking with the right people also helps a lot, so thank you to my mom, dad, and my best friends for being there when I need to talk and for knocking some sense into me.

To my Best Friends out there, we all are growing up, changing, going into different directions and we may not be around for long at the same place. We all might end up in different places, but that doesn’t mean we are going to be lost forever never finding each other. I always manage to annoy and be by them whenever possible, which is through text, calls, and video. They are always there, no matter where I am and where they are. The distance is hard, it’s a huge obstacle, but we are there for each other. There are some friendships that are so strong and worth it, you and them would do anything to be a part of it because it’s too beautiful to abandon and let go. It’s a team effort, not a solo one to make the friendship work.

I knew that Dubai wouldn’t last forever for us. I did have to leave this place for good at some point. Eventually, we all would have to go back to India, but now there is Singapore offering us a bright future for all of us. I am grateful to Singapore for that.

So in a way, I am glad that the sooner it happened, the better. It gave me time to deal with it and accept it. It also gave my father one of the best opportunities. If not, who knew what would happen at that time?

How long can one live in the fantasy? It’s all about the change. That change is from where life gets its thrill from. It thrives on that.

Change is hard, change is easy, different people react to it differently. Accept change and don’t try to battle with it because, with time, that change be it bad, it will leave it’s lingering shadow some time or the other and be it good, it’s going to stick around and be there in your life. “Expect for the unexpected.”

Home is where the family is, right? So I hope that Singapore could eventually turn into a place where I can call it home. I am eager and looking forward to it, but saying goodbye to this place. It’s hard, but I am moving on with it better than I expected to…

Everything happens for the best. That’s what I am going by and sometimes things do happen truly for the best. I am going in it with the all the “high hopes.” (Any Panic! Fans here?) I could relate to that song because that’s also what my mama tells me.

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The last time I am going to be here staying in my home. As I am writing this post, this is my last day in Dubai before I leave back for university. 11th January 2019.

When I come back for my break, it’s Singapore. Hello Singapore, I await you…

Dubai, You have made me happy in all ways you can…

A good day!

January 4th 2019

Wow, it does feel different writing 2019 rather than 2018, so far everything seems to be going well and the ships have set smoothly along the sea, waiting for its adventures and misadventures.

Myself, my mom and dad, we all went out for a little shopping, brought some clothes and had some amazing Chinese food and the best part that made this day a good day was the banana spring rolls! Dear Lord, it was heavenly and one of the best desserts I have had. I am not a huge dessert person, but this is definitely in one of my favourites. From the first bite to the last, I savoured every bit of it and I knew the moment this dish arrived was the moment I knew this day was a good one.

Food carries the magic to turn a frown into a smile. The power of food is remarkable.

The ride back home whiffed up my inner nostalgiac side, I put my headphones on and listened to the songs that reminded me of the good times and memories I had in Dubai while looking out to the street lights that shone in the dark. I love street lights and lights in the dark. When I look at them, I am at peace and I am so calm and happy. It feels alive, it’s just me, my thoughts and the world out there. It feels balanced and in sync.

Sometimes all it takes for a day to be good is to just try it out.  Up until then, things were a bit rocky and dodgy, but then I said Yes to going out with my mom and dad, it turned out to be great.

I find it lazy and a bit hard for selfish reasons to step out of my comfort zone because the zone I am in is so inviting and warm, It’s just me and my world. What could possibly go wrong in that? Well, I have a few starters, missing out on the world I live in, it’s stories and adventures, my friends and family.

It might make you sound I am not a part of this world at all. What I am saying is, I love to dwell in the world I have created as well as the real world. What I am not a fan of is people I am not really comfortable with being a part in the real world. I am a people person only to people I love and I find myself really comfortable with.

It’s circumstantial. If there are situations where I have to be friendly and nice, example work areas and classrooms, Yeah I am good at it, but interacting with people on a social scale, it just makes me uncomfortable and a bit nervous, but sometimes I do warm up to them if I like them. It’s a hard life.

So coming back to the topic, sometimes you have to go out there and see and test it for yourself. There are chances and possibilities of you inviting more happy trinkets into your life from the world you go out and explore,  if not now you know what doesn’t make you happy and you can steer away from it.

Writing out the words is easy, but it’s hard doing it. I understand but why ponder on the possibility of what if? Why have that regret?

For some, it’s smooth and natural, like the gentle waves of the ocean, but for some, it’s hard and rough like the storm. Let’s do what it takes in our way and conquer. So little by little, let’s start discovering and exploring like pirates, and who knows we might find the treasure we look for.

Go out there and try. I really should start following my own advice and in a way I am.

Sometimes, one has to say Yes to test out the waters and if turns out to be good, it’s great for you but if not, be glad you made the attempt. 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

(PS: Why am I referring to many ocean lingos?)

Happy New Year

2019 has arrived!!

Here are a bunch of wishes/motivational quotes to keep you energized and motivated about the year

  • Every end marks a new beginning. Keep your spirits and determination unshaken, and you shall always walk the glory road. With courage, faith and great effort, you shall achieve everything you desire. I wish you a Happy New Year.
  • No one can go back in time to change what has happened, so work on your present to make yourself a wonderful future.
  • Unlike what most people think it is never too late to be what you wish to be.
  • We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.
  • We all get the exact same 365 days. The only difference is what we do with them.
  • “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” -Albert Einstein

I hope you all have a wonderful year and I hope for all your dreams and wishes to come true!!

-Roshni Marath Jairaj