Do you really want to do it?

Have you ever come across those tasks or jobs where at first when applying and getting into it, you were excited and so worked about it. All that energy and planning to give it your best shot, counting up to those days where you can finally start doing that task or job but then as soon as that day arrives, you find yourself backing out of it. You start to have second guesses, you begin to doubt yourself and feel worthless in yourself. You blame yourself for not being up to it and what not.

Why does that feeling emerge?

Our university is planning to do podcasts and they have topics that I am really interested and keen to do, I sogned up for it and everything and now there is a meeting to attend as to see how it all goes and now I am nervous and I wish to back out of it.

I have been having that feeling with some of the tasks that I have been recently doing and been wanting to do. With my internship, I just feel it’s endless. At the start, I was so hyped, excited and happy and now it just feels exhausting and I can’t wait for the day it gets over. It feels rewarding to help the students but somewhere I know this is not what I find myself doing in the future, helping students yes, but not in the traditional way these schools teach, in my own way. Through this, I learn more and more, so in a way, I am happy but then exhausted and nervous when the day arrives when I have to go to school and teach.

I remember when I applied, passed the interview and got into it, I was so sure and happy but now I question myself; “Is it too late to back out”, ” Do you really want to do this?” With all these overwhelming doubts and insecurities about myself and me thinking of being a quitter, this is the time where pep talk comes into play.

The only way I can keep going and not quit because of the nerves that I feel overtake me is by saying these thing over and over again, ” You are not a quitter, don’t quit, you are not that person, you can do it, it’s just a few more days, don’t make the world think you are a quitter, this is for the future, this is worth it.”

That pep talk then pushes me to do it, it helps a lot; but why do those feelings emerge in the first place forcing me to give the pep talk?

Is it because I do not want to work? Is it because this is not what my heart desires? Is it because of the thought of facing other people make me anxious and nervous? Is it because I am not happy? Maybe all of them are right.

So what to do in situations like these?

It differs from different people, each of their mind sets and aspirations are different. Here is what I do.

  1. I start by calming myself down and also make myself get excited and hyped for the opportunity i have been presented with. I make a list of pros as to how this would benefit me and with each opportunity, I am broadening my future and myself.
  2. Depending on the type of thing I am doing, a few weeks in, I get tired, irritaed and I wish for it to be over as soon as possible. I wouldn’t lie when I say, so many thoughts have crossed my mind of quitting the job I am doing right now, but I push myself not to give up and keep going on. I do not want to be a quitter. I do not want to quit because I am lazy and on the insane amount of hardwork I put into it. I want to push myself to do more because this is what life is. I want to have that sense of accomplishment and that feeling of pride when I complete it.
  3. I push myself more by saying it’s just a matter of few weeks and I can do it. I think about myself, my parent’s happiness and how proud they are of me which keeps me going.
  4. Just a few more to go… It’s all going to be worth it, if not; be glad you did it and you learnt something from it.

But if this isn’t making you happy or you don’t feel yourself comfortable doing it, do not be afraid to quit. At the end of the day, it’s you and your happiness that is at stake, not anyone else’s. You will find what makes you happy and what inspires you, just be patient for that journey and work hard.

So go with your gut instinct, think about it and choose what’s best for you!!

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Waking up to a good mood

Very few are those days where you delightfully wake up to a good start. I am having one of those days right now. Living and breathing it.

Today is a Wednesday and usually, Wednesday’s are my day off but I had lost that privilege because of an internship I am doing. No complaints but I really do miss having a holiday in the middle of the week after all those lectures. That one day off to unwind, relax and catch up.

This blog post was an impromptu one, I needed to remember this day and how it felt. I wanted all of you to know that days like these do exist and can be created by us. Some of the factors in the universe can be controlled by us, some of them…

So naturally, I knew this day was going to be good because it’s a holiday and for the first time I felt so relaxed at the start of the day. An appointment that I had today or so I thought was actually on March 19th. So when I heard that news as well, my heart and body were so elated because I was able to stay at home, read, listen to some music and watch some Netflix and youtube.

The day starts off right after you get the sleep of your heart’s content. After scrolling through my phone it was high time for me to get out from the comfort of my bed and take a calming warm shower and wash my greasy hair. Listening to music whilst in the shower was another privilege because I could soak it all in, the layers of music and thoroughly enjoy it. You know you are living life through simple joys like these.

After the shower, one puts on clothes, and as soon as I opened the curtains, I was welcomed with the warmest of sunrays, so warm and so cold on my skin. I looked out and saw the streets unwind; some of the people bustling out on the streets and with the window ajar a bit, I let the wind caress my hair. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the serendipity of it all.

Now, I did not want this brightness to slip away into the dark. I did not want to lose it like how the tears got lost in the rain. I wanted to bask in it for as long as possible. So what to do indeed was the question?

Rather than loafing around, I decided to include fragments of what makes me happy and I also wanted to get the most of it. So I decided to combine happiness with work. Doing my reading for university and writing for fun. Combining both of my interests to turn this day into a happy and a good one.

You could try as this well, combing what you love and what you love in your work and I hope that it helps you create a good day. With some music as well, I guarantee it’s going to be bliss. It’s important to have that good music because they inspire you in so many ways and they can also sometimes be the sole responsibility of either shaping or breaking your mood.

These days might get lost in the memory as time goes on, I would not expect myself to remember these days but having them and living through them is what can get us through life. To play and be in that role is important because it is vital to remind ourselves, there are good days.

As I struggle to find the words to end this, I am thinking as to what more I can give you without pushing you away or you mentally or physically rolling your eyes at me.

So as I am listening to The Morning Stroll playlist on Spotify, I know how to end this now.

 

Enjoy life, take a break to pause, reflect and be in it. Take a break to be happy do what makes you happy. Bask it all in. Step out into the sunshine and let that do the work. Let yourself be in it. 


-Roshni Marath Jairaj

My Belief System

I can believe things that are true and things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true or not.

Neil Gaiman, American Gods

 

Without doubt or any hesitation, I put my faith and belief into certain things that give me peace and make me sane. A huge part of where I come from and my belief system is from my mom, my life and my culture and I am glad she, my life and my culture had a helping hand with it.

I believe in God, religion, astrology, philosophies; many of the ones that Science cannot explain…

I put my belief into them because they give me a sense of reassurance and comfort when nothing else seems to work. I put my belief into them because in dire needs of hope and desperation, I can call out to them and I know they listen. I put my belief in them because I believe and trust that they are with me through thick and thin.

 

My faith and belief make me strong and I know there are people out there who have their own belief system and values, some of them necessarily may not agree with my belief system and I am not forcing you to see things in my way, I respect what you agree, choose and follow; After all, who am I to judge what you believe in… Whatever makes you strong, I am happy and content with it.

I like to respect and see their choices as well without frowning or looking down upon them because I know how it feels and I have seen it, I can tell you I am not a fan of it. So I do my very best to be open to everyone’s choices and wishes and I learn from them and respect them, but there are certain circumstances in which I simply cannot stand by them because some of their beliefs are just plain wrong and I feel they cause the world harm.

 

Coming back to my beliefs, I was inspired to write this because I just finished watching a video on Youtube about tarot card predictions and I do put some of my belief into it. There is a sort of thrill in choosing what card may or may not predict your future and I like to see the outcome.

The video down below is what tempted me to write this post.

 

Watching the video and after choosing my card, I was surprised by how bafflingly accurate some of those predictions were, I knew some of them were going to happen and I guess I needed some sort of assurance for myself to tell me to go through with it. That’s how horoscopes help me as well, they put me to ease and knowing a bit about my future even if it’s a 50-50 chance with them, I still take it because it’s calming to know about what awaits you.

I do not justify my behaviour and my actions by saying that’s what my horoscope says. I do believe in it and sometimes I do find it surprising that things happen the way it does, it’s all about the element of surprise and caution I take from it. It teaches me in a way. It’s like a small guide that is a bit helpful to go on about life. When I feel doubtful about certain things, reading it gives me a push to go and do it. It’s a motivation and a reminder in that way.

 

A few days back, I got my results after my exams and coursework, it was not what I expected, the insane amount of hard work you put in and when the result you get doesn’t match, it’s devastating. You question everything that you have done, you question everything that you have taken, you feel the absolute worst at that moment.

So I talked to my mom and dad that helped me calm down and then I prayed to God and had a conversation with God where I put out all my thoughts; it was more like talking to myself and finding something in it. I questioned God why and I believe something and everything happens for a reason; maybe this was to teach me something, but what? Like the many questions, I dedicated my full day to it as to figuring out why and what I can do.

So after all that hurt and tears, I felt a bit relaxed and relieved. This motivated me to work harder and give it my best as I always have.

 

When I believe in my faith and religion, it gives me peace and keeps me sane. It pushes me to go forward and there is something so comforting and reassuring in knowing there is someone out there who is watching you and protecting you. Sometimes the bad and inevitable might happen, which makes me question the entirety of what I believe in and I do not have any answers to give out, but I still do believe and put my faith into God and my religion.

 

When High…

When high
When high on drugs
When high on weed
A true and genuine experience experienced in one of the most beautiful legal places ever, Amsterdam

Disclaimer: Loads of curse words ahead and sorry for not filtering it out because when you high, you just want to let it go and let it be that way

Adds a more authentic feel to it, does it not?

This is not for everyone and in no way I am telling you to go get fucked up and get high, I am not promoting this.

This is just my experience, me sharing it and me liking it and me not going to give a damn on what people think of me because this means a lot to me and I want to share it with the world

The entire sentences below, I wrote it when I was high and even a small part of the disclaimer to my two of my best friends when I was super high and I am surprised they read through all of it. If that is not dedication, I don’t know what is…

 

We all have what we like, and here we go…

From this point below, you are entering into a time and place where I was high and all these thoughts just came pouring out, there is no structure to it, it just flows out endlessly.

 

Like you know my mind has never been so relaxed before

It’s so calm

Not giving a fuck

You just go into this deep zone
And you fall and you stay there

And then you relax

And then you just stay there, in that zone

You don’t want to let it go
So you let it be and let that peace engulf you

Not giving a damn fuck about anything

Just sitting/lying/walking, doing nothing

It’s so peaceful and so calm

The most simplest words have such a good power on what you feel

Why do people try to write and show it with all these formatted sentences and these symbols behind each word when you can just write without filtering anything

Just write what comes to you
And write and fall

It’s so peaceful and feels so good to be and feel this way

You want to keep doing it

Then you just listen and pay attention to all these tiny details you have never seen before

It feels so fucking good and orgasmic to feel it and be in it

You see everything just as it is

Nothing filtered, nothing covered

You just see without caring a damn fuck on what’s beneath or underneath them

You just see it all in plain colours for once, not in those coloured shades you always had to see

For once just see the world as it is but also think about it, but not in the way it makes you die but in the way it is meant to be enjoyed and questioned with simple curiosity

It’s a beautiful rhythm that is so peaceful

It’s nothing but peace and calm
You want to bask it all in and you want to let it be like that for as long as it can be

It’s good to have these times in life where you for once absolutely do not need to give a fuck about anyone, not even yourself

Just be in that moment and just be in it

With yourself
With people you love
With the world and everything in it

Is this how it feels to be so carefree?
Not to care anymore, not in a bad way, never in the bad way

But in the way that you feel good about yourself and everyone around you

Never care about that chaos the world is in, you are in…

Just letting go

It’s just it feels so fucking good to feel this way right now and you have no idea how it feels being in this state of mind with yourself and your body…
It’s just peaceful and I have never been so easy to let it go and now that I have done it with loads of help from weed and a place where it’s legal.

It feels fucking right and I wish I could feel this way every day but I am not going to sulk on it because I simply can’t sulk and be sad because those feelings ain’t in me when I am like this; all peaceful and happy, the happy where you are happy and at peace and just being yourself with and the world is in the right balance and fine…

I feel that how much ever I write, it’s simply not enough because no matter how much you want to try to put it all out in words, there are some moments in times you have to be in and live through that so you know how it feels

I know these authors and poets and writers do it and have it all worked it in out in their novels, poetry, and words but some of them just have to be lived through and now that I am living in it, I can tell you it feels fucking amazing

I love words, don’t get me wrong, words are my identity and symbols and my source and interpretation and everything that it is to get it all out, but sometimes it’s funny how those words can also not be enough

 

I know there is no such thing as perfect according to the world but perfect times do exist and this time right now is a living breathing moment

Being happy with the way you are
Being happy with the world as it is
Seeing the world in the colours they always were in and not trying to figure out what each of those colours or signs mean
Just seeing and breathing it in and for once and not worrying about yourself and everything around you
Just so peaceful

 

And you know I am trying to get those feelings in which you trap yourself in that chaos which destroys you but I simply can’t at this moment because that’s how high I am right now

Like how fucking great is that?!
Living life at that pinnacle is truly damn peaceful

I won’t lie that I am feeling 0.000000001 chaotic but that’s just another added beauty to it because all my peaceful feelings are just dusting it away and throwing it into the wind where it gets lost into all the other mixtures of chaos leaving me in this universe of peace and calm and tranquility

Yes tranquility is the word I needed and now that I have it
I am going to end this now

Wow I have written a lot
When I come to my senses and away from this feeling
Away from leaving this feeling and place
Damn I am gonna always wonder how I was when I wrote this and it’s such a good memory to hold on to and listening to my playlist while writing this is such a beauty

And I truly do apologize for writing all of this when I am high but hey I fucking love it so meh

Imagine for each time I get high
I write about different topics and different feelings with each time I get high

Just that one thought, one topic, one feeling and focus on that one sole thing and let it all pour out…

The things that are going to come out and I can find out

Wow now that’s just pure genius and pure simplicity

You know you just want to get it all out when you feel this way because you never know when you can have that chance again

So right now I am going to try and just let it be with myself and the place right here because who wouldn’t love some of that mystery and peace to one own’s self

Out of the many in the galaxy, only you and I know now

(The following thoughts next morning when high, traveling back to Nottingham through the coach and looking at the world outside)

 

You know when you listen to music when you are high
You hear everything so clearly
It’s so clear
The voice, the words it’s so clear and you can finally see it all

It’s so good and right to finally hear everything they meant us to hear

There was this tunnel we all were passing through
And it was dark and the light stood there illuminating the tunnel
And passing through it was so calm
I saw everything so clearly
The lights in the dark
I heard everything so peacefully, the lyrics, the beats, everything in the song I heard so clearly and vividly
I saw everything so slow, not the painful dying slow but the slow that is filled with grace and calmness
Where your eyes just focus on what’s in front of you and nothing else
Not giving a damn about anything else

Damn it was good

Every song seems to melt into the mood I feel right now
Every lyric seems right in this time right now
It’s such a beautiful time indeed

It’s always going to stay the same
This way I feel right now is always going to be in my heart as a beautiful memory and everything in it is true

 


-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Thank You For The 100!!

 

It happened!!!

100 wonderful readers are following this page and I thank you all so much for following this page and being a part of it!!

I am so happy and I personally thank each of you for making this happen!! I look forward to welcoming more of you and I can’t wait to explore and write more and read all of your responses and takes on it!!

 

Do keep spreading the love and sharing it!!

And once again Thank You All!!!!

giphy.gif

Somewhere along the past…

( I do not remember when I wrote this, but when I read it, I knew this was me at one stage in life, probably around last year or might be in 2017 and I was helpless…

When I am stuck in moments like these, words pour out of me without myself putting any thought into it. I write and write until my heart and mind are pleased or relieved… When I later read those pieces, I am often astonished by the depth, seriousness and introduces me to a new side I haven’t met before. This side of me stays hidden and comes out when I am in deep thoughts or stuck in moments where everything fails except for words…

I have never felt more like a stranger to my own self when I read this.

I have decided to post more of these and express myself more for myself… I do not want to hide behind my fears… )

 

What has become of me? Right now at this very moment, I am confused and in a dilemma at all times. I am in a tough spot some of the times, maybe the majority of them. The world and the people in it are all a puzzle now. I seem to not understand what makes me me. It all seemed so simple back then, what happened now?

I can assure you it’s not life what has happened. Something else has changed and I can’t seem to put a finger on which part of the equation I have to fix in order to get out of this hole.

It was all easy a few moments before and now in the blink of an eye, I seem to be standing at no crossroad. I now stand at a path with various disruptions and continuations to many other paths. These new places and people confuse and intrigue me, reinventing myself at this point is not what I look for right now.

I feel like I have changed for the good in some aspects of myself. Change is a risk.

I would like to think it’s been good yet a tough ride to self discovery and achieving. I am honestly tired of it all.

Everything is a constant change.

Never have I felt more alone and complete at this point. I feel vulnerable yet strong somewhere along the lines.

I tend to finally feel at peace when I listen to songs that my soul cries out to in the nights.

Solace and quietness is what I look forward to now.

I feel like I have been real this entire while but there is also a constant void and lost sense of feeling that always lurks around. This feeling has partially consumed my body.

It won’t take too long for it to completely dissolve within myself.

I have brought out these new feelings in me which I am not used to. For the better or the worse, I do not know.

The most beautiful heartbreaking feeling in this universe is to keep all those pouring soul tearing emotions and thoughts in.

I want to tell it out but I don’t know how and I feel like I would lose some part of myself if I do that.

I have so many contradictions within me. There are so many undiscovered aspects of myself I want to know about.

Home has now become a confusing word. I feel nowhere at home except in the arms of my mom.

I wish I could hold onto everything that I love and not let it go.

I am tired of questioning myself. These questions now seem to wear me out.

Insecurities, fears, doubts have now established as a strong foundation in this body of mine and the process of discovering who I am beneath all this is in its works and is a long way.

There is a void in me which I don’t know how to fill

After all, Nothing is ever as it seems with me.

Why do time and life have to get in the way of it all?

 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj