( I do not remember when I wrote this, but when I read it, I knew this was me at one stage in life, probably around last year or might be in 2017 and I was helpless…
When I am stuck in moments like these, words pour out of me without myself putting any thought into it. I write and write until my heart and mind are pleased or relieved… When I later read those pieces, I am often astonished by the depth, seriousness and introduces me to a new side I haven’t met before. This side of me stays hidden and comes out when I am in deep thoughts or stuck in moments where everything fails except for words…
I have never felt more like a stranger to my own self when I read this.
I have decided to post more of these and express myself more for myself… I do not want to hide behind my fears… )
What has become of me? Right now at this very moment, I am confused and in a dilemma at all times. I am in a tough spot some of the times, maybe the majority of them. The world and the people in it are all a puzzle now. I seem to not understand what makes me me. It all seemed so simple back then, what happened now?
I can assure you it’s not life what has happened. Something else has changed and I can’t seem to put a finger on which part of the equation I have to fix in order to get out of this hole.
It was all easy a few moments before and now in the blink of an eye, I seem to be standing at no crossroad. I now stand at a path with various disruptions and continuations to many other paths. These new places and people confuse and intrigue me, reinventing myself at this point is not what I look for right now.
I feel like I have changed for the good in some aspects of myself. Change is a risk.
I would like to think it’s been good yet a tough ride to self discovery and achieving. I am honestly tired of it all.
Everything is a constant change.
Never have I felt more alone and complete at this point. I feel vulnerable yet strong somewhere along the lines.
I tend to finally feel at peace when I listen to songs that my soul cries out to in the nights.
Solace and quietness is what I look forward to now.
I feel like I have been real this entire while but there is also a constant void and lost sense of feeling that always lurks around. This feeling has partially consumed my body.
It won’t take too long for it to completely dissolve within myself.
I have brought out these new feelings in me which I am not used to. For the better or the worse, I do not know.
The most beautiful heartbreaking feeling in this universe is to keep all those pouring soul tearing emotions and thoughts in.
I want to tell it out but I don’t know how and I feel like I would lose some part of myself if I do that.
I have so many contradictions within me. There are so many undiscovered aspects of myself I want to know about.
Home has now become a confusing word. I feel nowhere at home except in the arms of my mom.
I wish I could hold onto everything that I love and not let it go.
I am tired of questioning myself. These questions now seem to wear me out.
Insecurities, fears, doubts have now established as a strong foundation in this body of mine and the process of discovering who I am beneath all this is in its works and is a long way.
There is a void in me which I don’t know how to fill
After all, Nothing is ever as it seems with me.
Why do time and life have to get in the way of it all?
-Roshni Marath Jairaj