The one where I turned Twenty.

24th May Midnight

I sit here waiting for the clock to strike midnight and it has already stuck. I can’t help but feel not at home and lonely

I feel sad and an impending sense of doom has crushed me as I hit 20. I feel worthy and not accomplished.

I haven’t created a set of goals to achieve by 20, but when why do I feel worthless and unaccomplished?

I feel as if there is no meaning to life

I felt like Joey and Rachel in the moments leading up to turning 20 and after turning 20.

(The below clip was my reaction both internally and somewhat externally. Rather than turning 30, this was my state turning 20.)

I guess one more reason as to why I felt so glum and chum was because right before I hit 20, I was watching a movie called Speechless which is a beautiful romantic comedy and damn I love that movie so much, I have decided to let that movie be in my top all-time favourites.

So when watching that movie, I felt like my life was going nowhere. No love, no boyfriend, no relationship, literally that moment in any romantic comedy where the girl says she is going to die alone and drowns herself in food and alcohol. I had that moment minus the food and drinks and it was not good.

I mean I still love being single and enjoying life and having my best friends but you know those moments do exist when you look at others and wish you had what they had, maybe even something even more special.

I mean I turned 20, an adult now. Responsibilities and obligations soon will bind me, not that I don’t like having them but there are some of those responsibilities  I am not a fan of. I don’t know what they are but I don’t like them already.

Coming to celebrating my birthday at midnight, everyone was there, my family and my friends called me right on the stroke of midnight to see me cut the cake and well wish a happy 20. I swear, they literally in that moment were the reason for a tiny ray of happiness of turning 20.

And as the midnight progressed into the morning, my mom has tears down her face and cries because I am growing old and well then I am going to get married and I am going to go away and all that. So well that also put me off of the fact that I turned 20.

I am always very excited for my birthdays, I love them!! I look forward to my birthdays like it’s the greatest thing on Earth but this year, I did not feel that glistening sense of hope or an excitement towards the adulthood.

I mean I like adulthood, I enjoy the freedom and I look forward to having a job and everything, my own house and all that but comes at a cost of growing old. Have I lived my life the right way? Have I done what I have intended to do?

I feel content and happy with how I have lived life but I always wish I could do more, but I did not have the opportunities back then but now I do and I intend to utilise all of it.

It’s been three days since I turned 20, so far I feel normal. I don’t feel old but everyone keeps reminding me that I am old and I should know this and that and what not. I still don’t like the fact that I turned 20.

I feel like a teenage kid trapped in a teenage kid body living a teenage adult life. Like a Freaky Friday situation.

I have many goals, visions and desires I want to complete and I do hope I can do all of it or at least some of the ones that I really desire.

Thank God, I did not decide to get a tattoo of my birth date on my hand because I do not want to be reminded every day that I am growing old and closer to death.

Here is a toast to Adulting

I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me and dear God, I hope I can bear it.

19 things I have learnt roaming around 19 years on this earth

So I turn 20 tomorrow, officially an adult, can’t turn back now. God I wish at this point, I was living the Disney show life…

My last day of being a teenage adult and now it’s gone just like my childhood.

I don’t think I am ready or will ever be ready to take the plunge into adulthood. I mean I am still a kid stuck in a kid like adult body. I only have a few good years left before I get married and all that. I mean how is time going by so fast?! I am doing my year 2 at university and I have only one year left before adulting takes my life.

Is the Flash messing up my time line?!

I have my masters and my PHD in the future, but that’s going to be different. I am going to be done with my university care free yet serious days in one more year… (It also depends whether I pass my year 2, inserts nervous laughter…)

I am one step closer to death, one step closer to everyone dying around me, one step closer to robot domination, one step closer to the apocalypse, one step closer to responibsilites and impending doom…

So before I turn the big 20, here I am writing 19 things I have learnt in the 19 years of my life. Someday Future me, you will enjoy all this…

I hope this helps…

1 – The world is filled with all sorts of people and as you grow older, it begins harder to find people you like and who you can be yourself with. So when you find those people, make sure you cherish your times with them and never let go of them. You will loose friends but don’t worry about that, there will always be the ones that will always stick with you.

Nothing in the cosmos will tear the fabrication of your friendship.

Try not to also be a people pleaser because you will only end up having time for that and nothing else. Do not worry of what other people think about you.

2 – At the same time, know when it’s right to cut people off from your life. Give them an explanation. If they are toxic for your health and well being and your happiness is at stake, know that it’s time to let go. Confrontation is hard but when you relieve of that feeling, it’s one of the best feelings in the world.

3 – Bad people know good food spots. I have this theory, a person is bad and the only way other people can like them is through food because who doesn’t love food, so they introduce you to the best food spots making you like them and making you think they are nice and interesting.

4 – As you grow older, you will find that you will be forced to have conversations you are not into, but know that its for the best and you will learn a lot from them. It might be uncomfortable but you know and discover a lot.

5 – It’s okay to be alone and have the time you want to yourself rather than feeling guilty about not spending it with your dear ones. Sometimes you need that space to figure out what you want and need. You need that space to be calm and peaceful. Not everyone thinks like how you think.

6 – Try out things. You might not know what you would end up liking. Don’t say NO to everything, Say YES to most of it but if you find yourslef crossing the boundaries you have set, then its okay to say NO.

7 – Time goes by very fast. So do not be upset over the things you missed upon doing but look forward to things now and also the future.

8 – You will always remember the mistakes you did and would wish to go back and rectify them, know that it happened for a reason and there is nothing you can do about it but move on. Just don’t repeat it.

Sometimes, no amount of preparation can prepare you for thr worst that’s yet to come.

9 – You will have doubts in your mind for whatever you are going to do. You will overthink a lot, you will be stressed but always listen to the gut. If it makes you nervous, I find that it’s worth doing because it teaches me something always and I have a new sense of accomplishment in me.

10 – When you need help, ask for it. Don’t be stubborn about things you don’t have a clue about, but do not always be dependent. You need to also know how to do things on your own.

11 – A clean room helps!! Sometimes when I am panicked or nervous, cleaning and organiazing helps. So it might help you all too.

12 – Do not worry about being single and having no one to cozy it up with. Your time will come. Time has a lot to do with everything. It’s okay to be single. You need to have an idenity of your own without having to depend upon an other person for it. It will suck seeing other couples because you will wonder on what you are missing out and be upset but at the end of the day, I am happy and I can have a good time by myself and with my friends!!

13 – You are your own best friend!! Have conversations with yourself. It’s fun and you learn a lot about yourself. It’s the most fun thing to do.

14 – Dreaming helps cope up with reality. It’s okay to dream but know where to draw the line because once sucked, it’s very hard to go back to reality. Balance is a key factor.

15 – It’s okay to watch a movie by yourself. It’s a very liberating feeling. I love watching movies by myself because I enjoy my own company and I can react however I want to!!

16 – Arcades are the best place to be and also beaches!! There is something about playing games in an Arcade that I love because you let loose and have fun!! Beaches are the most calming places to be and with some good music, you can just unwind and stare at the waves hitting the shore while watching the skies change colours. Night strolls are the BEST!!

17 – Spend time with your family and friends. They won’t be there for long, so make use of all the time you have to spend time with them but also remember when you have work, it’s important to complete your work as well. Balance is the key again.

18 – Your feelings are always valid. Your pain is also valid. Sometimes you may not know how to express them or you might think it’s not worth it. Find a way to unleash your pain.

19 – You can tell a lot about a person by their choice in music.

Special Bonus Advice: Itโ€™s okay if you dream of the feeling to kill some very specific or non-specific people in your mind. It’s okay if you dream of murders and the ways you could do it and how you could escape it. Embrace the dark side to yourself.

Just donโ€™t proceed to do it. Jail is not a fun place.

The End.

Do you wonder?

I often wonder what other people are doing at this very moment that I am in. What are they upto in their lives?

I especially wonder this in case of celebrities because it’s so fascinating for me to wonder what they do in thier spare time because I adore many celebrities and often wonder what they are upto. Do they lead the mundane lives just like the rest of the humans that walk on the face of the earth?

I often wonder what my friends do when I am not with them, we are miles and miles away and I often wonder what they would be doing right now and if were together, I would be then wondering about all the fun times we could have

I wonder what my parents do when I am not at home, I wonder if they talk about me and my shenanigans. I miss them and my home

I wonder what my home is doing without me. Is it changing per second or by per word?

I often wonder what other people in other parts of the world do at this very moment I am in. How are they living life?

I wonder about the people I once knew and who I were very close with. Do they think about the times we all have spent together at one point? Do they miss those times? I do wish we all got to meet at one point in our lives with all the disputes and conflicts settled.

I wonder about the movies and the shows that are put out there. How did it all come together and why? What would have happened if I would have never seen it? Would that change the way I think or would that change a part of me?

Do you ever wonder how your life would have turned out if you hadn’t met the people in your life who have become an imperative part of your life system? I wonder on if I would have never met my friends, what would be of me? Would I go on to discover and make friends with strangers who will then become my friends?

I wonder on how one would feel when they are trapped in the most miserable sadistic feeling ever known to them? How would it be living that feeling on a constant rotation without any relif of ever freeing yourself from it? Have you imagined what it feels like because I do. When I am trapped in that feeling, I imagine what it must feel like to be trapped in it forever and it feels overwhelming and soul crushing

I wonder on how it would be to lead a different life in a different body, somewhere else with different parents

I wonder on how it would be living the life of a person I know or I wish to know. What are the life changes that would dazzle me? How does it feel to be in their shoes?

I wonder on the type of talents I wish I could possess and how I could use it. I wonder on if not for writing, how else would I confront my feelings or express what I feel. I wonder on what my talent would be.

I wonder on how my life would have been if not for the realities I were put into and faced

I wonder on how the future would turn out for me. Have I made the right choices? Will my plan be set in motion? Will I achieve the vision I have envisioned?

I do wonder on the choices I have made and the choices I could have made

I wonder on what would be of me if I were born to different parents. Would I posesses the same mind set, probably not. I do wonder what that would be like. A new identity emerging from a new environment.

I wonder about the stories I have created in my mind and dream on how it would be to live them in reality and not in my head. I imagine them how I could do it in the real life

I wonder on the inventions the world could make based on my ideas. I think about a machine that would capture each and every thought of mine even when I am asleep. A machine that records my dreams and I can view it to my pleasure or continue it.

I wonder what would become of me after death. Is there a life after death? A new beginning for a new soul or an unfinished journey for an old soul. How would I be remembered? How would my loved ones react? Can I still see them from where I am or would my body be turned into particles to join the universe?

There are many things that I wonder and they all get lost somewhere

I wonder on my existence and the use of humans in this world

I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t been born

I dream, ponder and wonder a lot

What to do?

As I am writing this, I am completely bored and I thought why not do some piece of writing to take my mind off from being bored.

Today is the day my summer break has officaly started. After weeks of intense research for my essay then going on to writing 3 essays that are 3500 words each, then crashing and having breakdowns; I have finally submitted everything before time and well I am done with it all.

So my summer break has begun because I do not have exams. This whole month, I had a routine set for me. Get up, do research, distract myself a bit and then get grinding. That was my routine and I was so heavily involved with it. Now that it’s gone and over. What do I do?

There are three days left for me to go back home, so these three days left here seem like an eternity, but then it got me thinking, I would defintely have to face days like these in my summer break because that’s going to be three months of free time without any stress. Well there is going to be massive stress about worrying for my results but other than that no stress.

So before leaving off to my summer break, I have one whole day dedicated to doing errands and exploring Nottingham again before I leave for summer break.

Honestly I have just been on my laptop and my phone for half the day and I am not going to be a type of person who says do this – do that because I am realtsic with the options I have and I know what I am capabable of. I am not going to be that positive inspiring sunshiny person but be realistic and see what I can actually do.

So that is what I am going to do during my summer break or atleast try to do.

So what to do indeed?

Write more and discover new aspects or just go with the flow of writing.

Try to read more because reading helps with the vocabulary and is a chance for me to explore and incooporate new worlds into my life

Watch a lot of Youtubers and Youtube content to live the lives of interesting people in other countires

Explore Singapore because I have heard that place has quite a lot of things to do

SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY rather than spending all of it on the laptop

Write by the pool and listen to music, it might evoke some new inspiration in you

Watch loads of movies because summer break is the only time you get to do so and also watch shows as well

Listen to music, lie down and contemplate

Sleep, because sleep is worth every bit of it

Buy games in the steam summer sale so that you can play games and have fun and make up for the fact that you have no friends in Singapore to hang out with

Sometimes it’s good to make best use of what’s around you rather than going and chasing objects far within your reach, but that does not mean you give up on them. Maybe right now, you just don’t have the resources for it, so you can dream on and wait for it to finally happen someday

Write a short story about anything you want. Who cares if it’s good or bad. Do it for yourself and explore where your writing can take you

Try vlogging, you might like or it or you will hate it forever but I think you might like it considering how much I like ranting and well being on camera but not in the attention seeking sort of way

Discover more music on Spotify

Try changing some aspects of yourself, things that you are not a fan of. Keep this summer as a self love/discovery challenge for yourself!!

Live more

I can’t sleep

I can’t sleep because of the weight of the galaxy I carry inside my body

I can’t sleep because of the stars that light up in my soul

I can’t sleep because the stars have lost their way to reach the midnight skies

I can’t sleep because of the crack of the dawn in the skies

I can’t sleep when I am awake because I am out here sitting on the ledge staring out at the skies behind my window

Its a clear baby blue sky with an orange stripe painted right across it

I hear the birds chip signalling the start of a new morning

However I can’t get myself to sleep despite the touch of the morning

I am afraid I have fallen into the habit of not sleeping at night due to the chores that keep me busy at night

I have failed to see the beauty in the mornings as I wake up

I see the drapes shut of many of the windows out there, as the drapes start to open, I close mine indicating the world that I am down for my slumber

Never being able to get sleep has only been one of the few problems in my life because that happens almost never but it does happen and when it does, it’s usually the sign of a chaos erupting soon

I don’t know what to do but sitting on this narrow ledge near my window seems to be helping quite a bit

This feels movie like

You know the scene where it’s early dawn or dusk and the writer goes out somehwhere seeking for an inspiration or for an answer to the cosmos exisiting within them.

It feels like that right now except for them, it leads to a big climatic search and for me, it feels ordinarly extraordinary but carries an undertone of a MacGuffin.

I am starring in my own movie, just not without any cameras or an audience to see it all unfold

As I am staring out into the abyss listening to country music, I have realised how beauitful they are, matching up to the slow excitement of the sunrise. I have realized how decieving they can be with thier words but still manage to create a charm in the listner.

Hues of Pink have started to come into the view and I can see a blend of pink, red, orange and white join to create a thin cloud trail spread and strech across the sky

I have stayed up all night to witness one of the many miracles of life uninteionally and can i say was it worth it?

It has but it still hasn’t made me want to lie down and drowse

The blend of colours have now painted itself across the skies, fusion itself with blue evoking different feelings in me

I see that very same blend trail across the skies just like a shooting star plumetting down to earth. What could you be? A symbol, a metaphor?

Universe, would you kindly tell me the mysterious ways in which you work

I have now witnessed the miracle of life

What now?

Thoughts lead to a train wreck

It was a normal night

Four in the morning

It was the early rise of the dawn 

While the whole world was still asleep, I was ready to step into my slumber

As I unwinded a tiring day of hard chores, I decided to give myself a little reward

Not knowing where the reward could lead to, I took it without thinking the road I would be in 

I took a face mask, applied it till the edges of it stuck to the curves of my face and then turned off all the nights to prepare for a deep slumber 

It was going smooth till then

But I took the choice of playing back the songs from memory lane 

As the first song started to play, I knew there was no coming back from this road

I had to drive the whole way through and beyond 

As each song kept playing and ended, my memories kept playing along with it 

The songs put by me in an order ended up turning its back against me

Each song playing in the order of my memories and the vibes that I loved in that city kept intensifying and coming back all at once in one go, one after the other 

Reminding me of the good old times 

I miss my old home deeply

I have this heart ache that intenses with every beat 

I can feel it shatter with every note 

I miss the drives on the road that I listened these songs to 

I want to go back to those days and those drives 

My own decisions of complication have brought put me here 

It opened up the doors of nostalgia and let the moments flood in 

The moments staring out at the tall sky scrapers soaring up high in the night sky, the lights comforting me, the music of the radio calming me down and making it a trigger for these memories 

Strolling along the beaches with best friends and running along the lights and having the best conversation in parks 

Memories of school, friends and family rides put me in a high and I go back and wonder what it would all be like now

Would I ever get to live through the same pattern again since that everything has changed 

I have embraced this road and soon hope to embark on it for real someday 

For now I dream on to these songs and enjoy the little drive through memory lanes.

Faking it 101

So I am assuming you stumbled upon this by accident, or by scrolling through your feed, or because you were in dire need of help on how to learn to fake through it all.

Whether it’s faking life or faking interests or faking knowledge or just faking I am here to help you through it.

I am going to give you a few tips on how you can incooperate this “useful” method in your life and well wing it. I will try but I can assure you 60% because the rest 40% depends on your environmental factors and luck.

These are some few rules you should follow if you want to fit in with the “crowd”.

  1. First of all, before you get involved with whatever piece of fandom or converstaion you want to get into, RESEARCH EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. You do not want to sound like a basic fool, you want to be thriving and want to be intersting right? So do your research. Whatever it takes.
  2. Keep up with the current updates of whatever you want to be a part of. Search each and every nook and corner of the dark web.
  3. If anyone mentions a thing you don’t have a clue on anything or what’s going in the present convo or time, just keep your phone beside you and google it. That will save your day just for the time being.
  4. You don’t want to say anything stupid right? So get everything right because every little detail matters, if not you going to be banned for life and all your efforts would have become futile.
  5. If anyone asks for your opinion on the subject matter, go with the the answer I don’t know or I don’t think so or see what the other person says and how the crowd reacts to it, then go with the crowd. Be the sheep. If you be bold, you die and all your futile efforts would go to waste
  6. Third of all, if you do not want to do any of this, how about you accept it that it’s alright for you to not know about it and move on. Why be a wanna be?

It’s alright if we all have different interests and passions. I am trying to learn that and inccoporate it into my life, I am not good at it but I am trying my best. I often am shocked on how some people don’t like what I like or like the major fandoms but I am trying to get used to it because there are many things out there that I don’t like but others dp.

If my friends like something, I will give it a try and if I don’t like it, I won’t fake till I make it because that’s just not who I am. I have tried it in the past and trust me, it’s not worth the effort and time you think it’s going to be.

Not everyone in the world has to be alike or have the same common interests. You are lucky if you find your group.

In this day and age, I feel that it’s intense with the fandoms because I feel you feel pressured to get into it and might not like it. If you don’t like it, you feel like a outcast. That’s going to be there and it’s hard.

I just do not understand why hop on the wagon just because it’s popular or just because it makes you look cool or you want to be a part of the convoseration or fandom. If you genuinely want to get into it, we will all help but why the fakeness? You can simply ask how to begin but just sticking it right in the middle is not gonna be the solution to your problem.

It’s alright if you decide to get in it right in the middle or the very end, that’s completely alright because you are being complely authentic, genuinely interested. You want to know more and I get it but just pretending to care about it, now that’s where it itches.

Do you man!!