24th May Midnight
I sit here waiting for the clock to strike midnight and it has already stuck. I can’t help but feel not at home and lonely
I feel sad and an impending sense of doom has crushed me as I hit 20. I feel worthy and not accomplished.
I haven’t created a set of goals to achieve by 20, but when why do I feel worthless and unaccomplished?
I feel as if there is no meaning to life
I felt like Joey and Rachel in the moments leading up to turning 20 and after turning 20.
(The below clip was my reaction both internally and somewhat externally. Rather than turning 30, this was my state turning 20.)
I guess one more reason as to why I felt so glum and chum was because right before I hit 20, I was watching a movie called Speechless which is a beautiful romantic comedy and damn I love that movie so much, I have decided to let that movie be in my top all-time favourites.
So when watching that movie, I felt like my life was going nowhere. No love, no boyfriend, no relationship, literally that moment in any romantic comedy where the girl says she is going to die alone and drowns herself in food and alcohol. I had that moment minus the food and drinks and it was not good.
I mean I still love being single and enjoying life and having my best friends but you know those moments do exist when you look at others and wish you had what they had, maybe even something even more special.
I mean I turned 20, an adult now. Responsibilities and obligations soon will bind me, not that I don’t like having them but there are some of those responsibilities I am not a fan of. I don’t know what they are but I don’t like them already.
Coming to celebrating my birthday at midnight, everyone was there, my family and my friends called me right on the stroke of midnight to see me cut the cake and well wish a happy 20. I swear, they literally in that moment were the reason for a tiny ray of happiness of turning 20.
And as the midnight progressed into the morning, my mom has tears down her face and cries because I am growing old and well then I am going to get married and I am going to go away and all that. So well that also put me off of the fact that I turned 20.
I am always very excited for my birthdays, I love them!! I look forward to my birthdays like it’s the greatest thing on Earth but this year, I did not feel that glistening sense of hope or an excitement towards the adulthood.
I mean I like adulthood, I enjoy the freedom and I look forward to having a job and everything, my own house and all that but comes at a cost of growing old. Have I lived my life the right way? Have I done what I have intended to do?
I feel content and happy with how I have lived life but I always wish I could do more, but I did not have the opportunities back then but now I do and I intend to utilise all of it.
It’s been three days since I turned 20, so far I feel normal. I don’t feel old but everyone keeps reminding me that I am old and I should know this and that and what not. I still don’t like the fact that I turned 20.
I feel like a teenage kid trapped in a teenage kid body living a teenage adult life. Like a Freaky Friday situation.
I have many goals, visions and desires I want to complete and I do hope I can do all of it or at least some of the ones that I really desire.
Thank God, I did not decide to get a tattoo of my birth date on my hand because I do not want to be reminded every day that I am growing old and closer to death.
Here is a toast to Adulting
I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me and dear God, I hope I can bear it.