Writing is grace

(If you would have the time, do listen to this song as you read this, it would create a special touch. Making this post as personal and emotional like me)

It has been one year since I started this small world of mine and I have never been more estactic in my life. I have finally found a way to share years worth of my works and many more to come.

This post is in honour to the passion that started it all. “Writing”

I watch these writers have a way with words. How they take the most simplest of words in thier language and turn into such a delightful art to be feasted upon.

I want to believe I too possess that skill of wooing myself and the readers out there. I want to believe that I too posess the talent to evoke and create emotions and feelings through what I write.

I like having these monologues with myself. The ones in the movie where the writer describes his/her life and the simplest of actions. As I write this I have this voice in me narrating over every bit of this piece. Watching the movie Under The Tuscan Sun gave me a creative inpsiration to write this.

I admire how the writers in these movies have a way to beautifully deliver their thoughts. With a voice so enchanting and filled with the most sincere and raw emotions, it is hard to not find yourself wanting to achieve that same level of grace.

To write is a a holy grail that many have seeked but very few sought have achieved. Having your way with words, stringing them together, achieveing the effect you want to. It is magic that I only dream of.

Somewhere deep in my small heart, I believe I have posessed this skill that I have seeked but frankly I do not know I know this or what makes me think I can say this. It is just a belief, a power to keep us going.

I do not know whose steps I follow or who I am inspired by? I can say that I am inspired by many.

Am I copying a form that has always been there or am I creating a path of my own with what I write?

What I write, do they achieve the effect of truth and originality like I wish for? Do they create a sense of emotion?

I do not know what people want or what they desire to see, but I hope my words and imagination can open up a world with new different possibilites and I sincerely hope that in this world that no one should ever have the overwhelming surge to fill in shoes for a person they don’t want to be.

In honour of one year of writing and more. Thank you all for being part of this journey…

Watching Nature

I got tired of straining my eyes looking at the laptop and TV screen, so I decided to sit this one out by going out in the balcony and sitting on the wooden chair.

I took my phone with me, set it on the table and started to play a playlist as I became ready to stare out at the trees and the building behind it. It was refreshing to look at something other than a screen.

I immersed in the experience of nature watching. I was surprised and fascinated to see different shades of green on the trees. There was all kind of shades and when the sun shined on them, it glistened. I never observed that until now.

I thought all trees and plants had a certain type of green to it, never bothered to look that there would always be something more.

Then I notice the small birds chirping and flying from one tree to another. I never knew there were birds so small that existed. They were so cute to watch, it kind of takes my fear from birds because they are very unpredictable creatures.

It was heart warming to see these small birds flutter around the tree and drink the nectar of the pink flowers that bore from the tree.

I looked at the sky and the clouds and it were as if I was in a Pixar movie. It looked so animated which made me wonder how can this be so life like?

I started to wonder why was nature watching such a unique experience in my head? What made it so special? Why was watching and admiring nature an opportunity such a transformative experience that I had to write about.

A few few years ago, this was normal. Being in the nature, playing outside, looking at nature and admiring it was all so normal and mundane. Before I was hooked onto technology, this was the world we lived in. A world meant to be admired everyday. A world that I looked at but now can’t pay enough attention to.

While I was watching the trees, I couldn’t help but have an itch to write down all these thoughts on my laptop. I was worried about forgetting this experience and just kept replaying every thought I wanted to write about.

I realized this was wrong. This was not me being in the moment. If I had to be in the moment, I had to get rid of all these thoughts occuping my mind and just be there in the moment with nothing else but just a mind appreciating how beautiful nature is and how glad I am to be here. That’s what I did!!

I had to learn that I need not write every thought that comes to my mind and if it slips away, it is okay. If it is worth remembering and writing, it will come back to you no matter what. It’s okay to write about everything and anything but it shouldn’t come at a cost where your life revolves around recording every thought.

I forgot how much I loved watching everything around me as I sit listening to music. I had a few more moments of solace to myself when I was interrupted by my mother who then joined me.

I realised two things then, I liked being alone. I like having a lot of time to myself. I do not appreciate when people disturb my time alone.

The second thing I realized was I was glad my mother interrupted me. We shared a good conversation, talked, laughed and then just sat there in silence admiring the small birds and the city we had an opportunity to live in. I also like spending time with people I care about even if they cause a disruption to my alone time. Some great memories are often made like that, but that doesn’t mean they should do it often. I would still end up liking it and maybe wanting it more.

(Next day after nature watching)

I feel like I jinxed the nature that I admire out in my balcony because they are cutting down the trees now.

Why is it the moment I start to like this, they decide to cut it down depriving me of the simple joy of watching nature right outside? Stepping out and sitting in that balcony was how I decided to spend my time away from the screen and admire nature and the world outisde. All this was to be done in the comfort og my own house and now that was gone.

This means I won’t get to look at the small birds and hear them chirp. I won’t get to watch the sun rays glisten on the leaves. It hurts when something you like is taken from you.

My heart pains listening to the handsaw cutting through the bark. It just keeps going on and doesn’t stop. It doesn’t even pause to let my heart not be upset and get over it. It just keeps going wher and wherrrrrrr…..

It’s not a pleasant sound to hear something you like being taken away by machines. How are machines the downfall as well as the uprise to man’s kind?

There are still trees out but it doesn’t carry the charm it used to. It is not as high and as green I would like it to be but I guess it would soon be something I could get used to.

I like 500 Days Of Summer :)

It is a rainy day outside. Living in a small condo sure has its perks. We have a balcony out with a wooden table and few chairs around. I like to sit around when it’s cool, enjoy the weather, hear the birds chirp and just look out and write.

There only exist some days where moments like these can be remembered and can be thought about again and it is through words of mine. Through these sentences, I can remember to pause and take a break and see what’s present.

The windows were left open to let in the heavy wind that came from the rain. It was around 10 am when the aroma of grated coconut filled the living room. It acted as a blissful background to the movie set I wanted to watch. The wind from the rain also gave me company while I watched 500 days of Summer.

I have always only known about the ending of 500 days of summer and I had only watched somewhat of it before. Today I sat down and watched the whole thing. It is beautiful.

The narrator tells us from the start that this is not a love story. We all know what we can expect now. We see the journey of love or so called love of Tom and Summer. We see how the expectations of love can sometimes lead us to chasing the wrong thing or being in awe of something that is not meant to be.

This movie is a perfect example to teach us that love is not perfect and sometimes doesn’t exisit like the way in movies. It shows how the ideas of this fantasy love does not exist and we should ackowledge it.

The movie is out of sequence. Tom’s story with Summer is shown in 500 days and the viewing of the story in these days are not in order. It is a nonlinear narrative.

I like that each date of their time together is presented in a title card showing which of the 500 days it is. It was interesting to see fragments of their relationship shown from different days of their relationship. One showing how the relationship was and one showing what had become of it.

The cinemaphotgraphy of the movie was simple yet had so much of meaning to it. It is the simple thing that carries the most impact.

What I loved most of the movie were the side by side comparions it often had. The side by side scenes showed Expectations/Reality, Tom/Summer and when asked about love, it showed what each character said but Tom wanted to answer but couldn’t. He didn’t know how.

The expectations show the brighter happier side of life. What we wish we wanted. The reality is much harsher, sometimes not giving us what our heart desires the most.

I also am in love with the cinematography of this movie, the ending of that scene above.

As he walks into the road and then stops with all hope lost, everything turns black and white, everything erases around him and then he fades away. That scene is just moving and very symbolic. I feel that it depicts what it feels like to loose something very important to you and then shows what it does to you. Everything in the world vanishes and there is nothing left to do but just stay in that.

These are the type of visuals I like to see. It is done so beautifully yet very heartbreaking to watch.

This movie executes the idea that time changes perspective flawlessly. Summer is a girl who does not belive in the idea of love, fate and coincidence but as time goes by and with the right person, she believes it all and as for Tom, he learns the untold version of Love that movies, music and stories kept away from him through his relationship with Summer.

Tom falls in with the idea of this superficial love. He projects these fantasies onto Summer and is dissapointed when she does not live up to it. He does not fall in love with her but rather falls in love with the feeling of love. He fails to understand and get to know her on a deeper level and he learns from that. I am happy to see him learn.

Summer does tell him from the start that she is not looking for a serious relationship but he fails to accept the reality which led to his downfall. I also do blame Summer a bit for leading him on even after the break up. They both were at fault and that is what this movie shows. It does not fail to show the uglier side of love.

Despite his failed relationship with Summer, the ending is what gives him and all of us hope. Even though love gives us pain and heartbreak there is always a second chance of having love. You learn from the past and understand.

Rachel, Tom’s little sister is such a great addition in the movie. Despite being so young, she is the one with the most brilliant advice for Tom and I learnt something good from her.

After his break up with Summer, he choses to mope in his sadness and can only think of ways to get back with her. Rachel tells him that he might have only been looking at the good aspects of the relationship and that is what keeps him going back to her. She tells him that next time when thinking about their time together, she tells him to look again. I like what this means.

Sometimes when friendships or love fails, we only think about the good times and it draws us back to them. Many a times we tend to not see the bad stuff. My take on this is that we should look at the whole perspective rather than being selective with our memories. What has happened has happened. There is no use in moping around it. You can move on, learn from the past, be glad it happened and be glad it got over if it only did bad to you.

Like Tom, I still believe in fate and destiny. Now days, not in the grand way like how the movies show but I do still keep my faith in it. Some where out there, I would like to believe there is love waiting for me.

Just when you think there is no such thing as coincidence and destiny, the ending proves you wrong. I suggest you watch the movie to find out. It’s a beautiful coincidence to show that faith and destiny do exist. It could be a bit unrealistic but still, my heart always liked to see the unimaginable happen.

You can still have a chance to have your second story. Just because one story ends doesn’t mean there is a new one not waiting for you.

Choosing these choices

So I have been playing this game “Life Is Strange.” It’s a choice based game where each and every choice that you choose would affect the past, present and the future of the story and that of the characters as well.

I am not avid gamer but with games like these, I love to take my time and explore. I had also played two choice based games prior to those and those are Batman The Enemy Within and Game Of Thrones Tell Tale series.

I remember when playing Game Of Thrones, I felt so much of fury and rage when I witnessed the consequences of some of the choices. I did everything good, wise and I felt it benefitted everyone but as Game Of Thrones has the reputation of being traumatic, I should have seen it coming, but going through it on my own hurts a bit more.

When you make these choices, you feel more responsible because if things go awry, it’s your fault and there is nothing you can do but face the wrath.

This made me think about my life and the choices I am presented with. One choice can lead up to a consequence or a good outcome. Could you imagine if our lives were as brutal as these games? Someone’s life depending on our choice. If it goes side ways, the final ultimum is almost like death or something worse.

Life Is Strange is the game that invoked some serious thinking. It’s a game where you have the ability to use time to your advantage to change the past, present and the future. That power does come with a consequence tho.

Imagine having that type of power and using it to your own will. The things I could do and if I were given two or more choices, how would I choose? It’s a very tough scenario, but imagaine if someone had to choose it for you and you could do nothing but go with it.

What if we could look into the future with choices we have made and then go back and change some of the choices if we do not like it?

What if we try different choices and see where it takes our life to, if we don’t like it, we can come back and change it.

What if there was a time limit to these choices we have to make, if we do not choose within 1 minute or less, it is chosen automatically and then we have to live with it.

Is that how the characters feel? Being forced to play a game they are not interested in. It’s like Bandersnatch, a Netflix interactive movie where you can choose options for the character and they have to live with it with force. The character can’t do anything but go with it unwillingly.

I cannot imagine living life like that but wondering on it, sometimes it would be easier if someone else decides what I can do, so I can just blame it on them if things go wrong rather than going through the process of pondering.

But what fun would life be if it were in the control in an other man’s hand? We couldn’t then enjoy the frivolities of life.

What am I good at?

So just two days back, I was having this talk with my dad for something imporant and I don’t know how the conversation was exactly. I guess it was something about hobbies or something else, but something in that conversation sparked my doubting self to think and wonder what was my speciality.

What am I good at?

I know many people and they all are good at something and they say it with confidence. They do not have to ponder and think if they are good at it, they know they are and they do not mean it as a way of self boast or praise. They are just confident and it’s good to know that.

Over here, I am wondering I do have quite a lot of hobbies or things I do, but am I good at it?

If you have to ask me what I am good at, I would say I like writing and well watching movies and tv shows, but being good at it, I don’t know. I mean how can you possibly go wrong with tv shows, movies and fandoms?

Whereas in the other case, my pieces of work, I am proud of it and happy with it but I don’t know if I can say I am good at writing. I would like to think of myself as being a good writer but what really confirms that notion?

Do people’s critique stand as a factor to determine how good am I in what I do? Thier comments, likes and appreication, is that how I know, we all know?

I do believe that I do have quite the creative and imaginative skills inside my head, but most of the times I tend to not express it out because I just don’t know and most of the times, I do like to keep it in my head. My head is a place where I can control and create and if there was some sort of way where I can show it. I would.

Again coming back to the million dollar question, WHAT AM I GOOD AT? How do I know? How do I answer this to myself and to others?

Do I know I am good only if I achieve something with it or am I good when other people recognize it or is it an understanding from within? I don’t seem to understand.

Let’s leave the creative set of skills aside and come down to the personality traits? When Buzzfeed quizzes have these questions, “which word would you use to describe yourself or how would your friends describe you? ” I honestly can’t decide which trait to choose? How do I know I am good at it?

I have different traits some more prominent than others and with different best friends, some show more than the other and some don’t. I know how to describe myself but what about my friends?

I feel confident in taking role of skills such as goofy, weird, crazy, sometimes funny and organized but when friends decide these other skill sets, am I good at it? Probably so.

The question again comes down to it, Am I good at those skills?

This English litearture and language degree I am doing, I love it but what determines whether I am good at it and what determines it would be grades and knowledge of it. I do have the knowledge for it but some of the times, it’s the grades that’s hard to get.

So does that mean I am not good in what I do? Will the people see beyond my grades and look at the passion, hard work, love I have for this subject. Will they believe I can do it? I do believe in myself, I just wish other people could see it too. I wish future employers would look at my knowledge and passion I can put in rather than my grades mostly.

Knowing myself, I overthink a lot and this overthinking voice of mine questions every thought, affirmation and reaffirmation of mine making it an impossible task to settle down with a calm and reassuring reason.

If anyone out there has an answer to this question of mine, please do tell me.

Master Yoda or Obi Wan Kanobi or any of the Avengers, do tell me because you would clearly know. I think I would like to hear from Tony Stark because he would be more realistic with the advice. I wouldn’t mind hearing from Thanos because who wouldn’t like to hear a difference and variety in an opinion.

I do not know what to write about.

It’s been a few days since I wrote something and I decided that I could write something now, but I don’t know what to write about.

I know that I am in a mood to write something but I don’t know what to write about. I am particulary not feeling any emotions or feelings to write something really big or pour my heart out. I just don’t know what to write about.

I don’t want to write about topics or situations if I am not in the mood because I believe mood is an important factor to my writings. When I am in the mood, I feel and I write more. I am not pressured to think more, create and write. I just flow.

I have mad respect for writers and their imagination of writing. It’s a talent indeed.

So it’s my summer break now and I do not have much to do. I wish to learn some Spanish, read a bit because it’s been a long time since I read for the joy of it. I am watching a lot of Youtube and Netflix which I am loving.

I want to explore more of Singapore right now, but I am lazy and I will do it soon. I just want to be at home and well be on my couch and enjoy lazing around.

So what does one do when they have nothing to write about? I pretty much do not have any thoughts now because of the all Youtube and Netflix I am keeping in the background and continuing to write.

I do have many piles of pieces that I have been working on, but I need to be in the zone for finishing them and I don’t think I am there now. I do not want to put pressure to finish it. I want to do it right and in the way I would like to do because if one does it unhappily, the work often does not come out in the way desired and would do more bad than good.

So take your time but if it’s with something important, prioritise it and do things accordingly. You don’t want to mess it up.

Right now I just want to be in the moment, for once not having much thoughts and overthinking about the future and all the chores left for me to do. I just want to be lazy.

I do hope in the next few days, I have my zest and zeal for writing not that I have not lost it entirely, but there are the cases of the blues. Am I writing this for the sake of putting something out there or do I mean it?

I guess I mean it. Sometimes I want to let myself know that it is okay if you don’t post a piece at all times. It is okay if it’s just a few lines or a long ballad. As long as you are happy with it and you feel content with the way you have expressed yourself. You are good to go!!

Out of the context, my keyboard suddenly seems to blind me because of the yellow light reflecting on it and it’s gettiong annoying to look at now.

So that’s it. I wanted to write about nothing and I did. I guess, I mean this is sort of something.

Getting my tattoo done

I got the good kind of excitement nervous nerves now.

My mom and my family well just kept saying it was going to be painful, its not too late to back out. They just kept tensing me up but I know they care about me and they can’t stand to see me in pain, but I am doing it because I want to do this for myself.

I already had one tattoo done, this is my second one out of many more to come

I want to show a part of myself in this tattoo. I have been planning it for not a long time but still been doing the planning for some time and I have never been more sure of anything. I can’t promise you that I am not tensed. I am tensed and scared because well I am doing it on my ankle where the bones are and apparently it hurts, so it has been said by my mother.

So being myself, this time I did not succumb to the chance of googling it. I did not google whether it was going to pain or not and if it pains how much. I am proud of myself that I did not google it.

As time gets closer, I am nervous but very excited. This is something, a part of something that is going to show me, who I am. I guess it’s going to be an easy conversation starter among new folks if they notice my tattoo. They ask what it is and I tell them what it stands for.

They are going to be in for a long ride and so are you because I will be explaining it to you as well. It’s 3:34 now and my appointment is at 4:30 or 5. It might last two hours, kind of scared about that. I am afraid of well the pain a lot because that’s been imprinted on my mind but it’s going to be the good kind of pain isn’t it?

When I get back, I will be marked with another tattoo. Going unmarked, coming back home marked with meaning and passion.

So I am back from the tattoo place and while I was there, I jotted down a few thoughts and sent them to my best friend, my soulie when I was getting it done. I couldn’t be more happier of the tattoo and it means a lot to me and I will be explaining it in an other post.

So these are the thoughts that I wrote down to my friend when getting inked.

My mom had me freaked out but then I guess I was more anxious before the needling I mean I just wanted the needle to start. I was eager to know how it felt because all these thoughts and discussions about it paining so much, it just felt tiring. That panic before getting tattoed, you know like when will the needle come and all that and is it going to hurt and all that panic made me more scared and nervous but now it’s cool.
 
It does sting and burn a bit but then it goes. You know when she takes the needle for like a brief pause, and then she puts it again For some reason I find it pains I guess it’s the shock when it hits again
You know when she takes the needle for like a brief pause, and then she puts it again For some reason I find it pains I guess it’s the shock when it hits again

I am also planning to get this one more tattoo done, that’s going to take place after a long time 
I really wanted to do it after masters, but it’s quite big and like I don’t want to get really big tattoos before I get married.
So I thought I would get that tattoo after my marriage cause my parents are cool with it 

I guess you know the thing about this tattoo is that it takes so long. The wait is now part of the pain.You just want to get it done with, but you also want it to be perfect and well not wrecked cause it’s gonna be on your body forever or until the day you die. 

And also it pains but not that much. It’s like a ticklish pain It’s like intense penning. You know when you draw on your hand intensely with a pen. It’s like that but there are some places where it pains but then it goes. It doesn’t actually pain that bad. You get used to it and for a while I liked it. 

I can’t wait for you to see it

These are the maximum clarity I could get, I really wanted to upload a video but there is some issue with uploading videos. Security reasons apparently.

So this tattoo means a lot to me because each charm on this bracelet symbolizes a part of my personality and what I believe in and what I love and also who I am. 

The dots mean that there is more to come, I am going to evolve and change. That is why I did not do it as one single line around because that would mean it’s closed which is why I kept the charms on the dotted lines.

The joker stands for a fact that I love movies. Movies and shows are a huge part of who I am. The Joker also represents that there is a chaos and madness that runs in me but there is also good in me as well. I feel like many of me is an emboidement of many characters that I have watched on shows and movie. I am inspired by these characters that I watch. The reason I chose Joker to represent I love movies because he is such an iconic figure and I love him.

The book stands for my love for books, stories, writing and creativity. It is through them I decided I wanted to have a future in the literature field. 

The plane stands for my passion to travel and discover the world and always being curious of everything even if I don’t show it.

The building and the planet stands for the outside representation of me. The building stands as what people view me but the windows and the planet mean there is a whole universe inside of me. There is more to me that people and even my best friends and family will never know. It also means I love the city but am also a nature gal as well. It means home, friendships and family to me as well. 

The music notes stand for how much I love music and how much it helps me as a get away and also those are the notes to my favorite song in the entire world, Maps by Maroon 5 and these notes are also there in a similar pattern to another song Stockholm Syndrome by One Direction which was the start to me loving them and well the start of listening to more of English songs. They also have the same notes in a similar pattern to the start of my favourite Band Panic! At The Disco’s song Miss Jackson which got me into them!!

It’s total of 5 charms bound by a bracelet making it 6 because I love even numbers. ♥️