End of an year and the DECADE

I feel nervous.

I am terrified of going into a new year but what terrifies me more is that I have lived through a decade.

I have learnt a lot of lessons for me to just list it all down but here are some of the lessons that would always stick with me.

L: Learn what your heart and mind seeks!

I: I love myself and those who love me. I can do it!

V/F: Venture into the unknown! / Fuck it!

E: Enjoy your life and eat!

I have a lot of stories in my life, some may not be interesting, some may shed a tear in my eyes and some make me happy. I have felt a lot through the stories of my life and I am glad to have. These stories taught me so much.

I won’t deny saying that I am scared. I am scared because it means I only have a few more years left and I am scared if I will ever set out to complete the rest of my adventures.

Some people say, “make life count”, “do it when you feel like it”, “there is only one life” but what if I don’t have the resources. What then? I guess I will have to let those adventures go. Not be a “negative nancy” sometimes life really be like that. Sometimes it’s all about that compromise.

To go on a more positive note, I can’t wait for the adventures I will be embarking upon.

A lot has happened and when looking back at those 10 years, I wonder if I have made it all count. As each year presented itself, did I set out to complete the wishes I wished?

I guess I have.

Speaking up.

We desire to make change. We desire to make change for the world. We do change the world in some way or an other but to make a change that would impact us to the very core, we need something big.

Let us take our lives for example, we desire to make changes. Knowingly or unkowingly, we do make changes. For the good or for the bad, that is on us.

Just when I think, we are in a different time and an era where we are trying to progress for the good, the world and its leaders are just out there trying to break down the process of making humanity good.

All these crimes against everyone, we speak about it, we voice out our opinions, we do so much but is anything happening? Are their cold and inhumane hearts warming up to humanity?

Yes, things are happening! Moments of strength, bravery and courage has led us this far and has opened new doors to everyone but we still have a lot to go keep going for.

There are times when I think about the most henious and depressing state of our contries and about the crimes that have been taking place since a long time.

It makes you wonder if your voice is reaching out there. It makes you want to pause for a moment and wonder if this is going anywhere. Will anything happen? People have been doping it for ages and what difference is your voice going to make. Everyone has been trying, yet we all are stuck in the same boat just inches away from where we have left. We need to cross the whole ocean to reach at the place we desire.

At the same time, I am proud of us for speaking out and uniting against the wrong doings commited by people. When we speak out, we make the world aware of what is going on. By using our voices, we inform and let people know. We should continue to do so.

I admire those people who risk their lives to get the truth out. They are the brave ones out of the lot.

I know there will be times when we wonder if our actions lead us anywhere and sometimes the results won’t be flattering but that shouldn’t stop us because that is what those people want. The moment we give up, that’s when they win.

So let’s keep fighting till we see the change we want to see. Sometimes the fights stop and then a new fight starts. So let’s keep battling throughout our life but let’s also stop to take a breather once in a while.

Conversations with dad

It started with a message. My dad messaged saying “Hello Guddu…”, and then I replied, saying “Hi, Daddy Betta” and then called him because he had woken up to the dawn. His body clock couldn’t bear being in bed for more than a minute he was intended to wake up at. That’s what he said, but I phrased it better. After all, I am my dad’s daughter, I do carry the genes of words in my blood.

We talked the usual, he asked me how I was doing, I asked him how he was doing and what he was up to today. Usually, conversations with my dad go short and brief. The same old conversation every time just with different words every day.

Today was different, it was one of those conversations I rarely have with my dad. I asked him how he found the book he finished reading, and he went into such a beautiful monologue about the book describing what he felt, the story, how the people in the story are and so much more.

The key moment I remember from this conversation is that he kept defining straightforward terms to me, which I clearly understood. He kept asking me if I knew what some of the words meant and I said “yes, dad, I did learn all these in school ” to which he said ” I don’t know, you rarely come up to me and talk about” This touched me to my very core. I was on the verge of tears, but I kept going. What he said was the truth, and it hurt.
My dad doesn’t know a lot about me, and it hurt him and myself. I don’t know a lot about my dad, either.

There was this invisible wall between my father and myself, and I didn’t know how to fix it. When my dad talks with my friends, he speaks so fondly of his memories and what he did, and that is one of the very few time I know about his life. I get jealous of my friends because they interact with a side of him that I never get to interact with much. Everything I know about his life comes from my mom or through conversations with my friends. I don’t remember having conversations with my dad about his college/school/past life much.

It upsets me because I want to know so much about my dad, but I just don’t know where or how to start. Whenever we talk, it’s usually about my degree or what I am going to do. After a while, it gets tiring having the same conversation with him about my future. I understand my father is concerned, but I want to talk about so much more, dad.

While he was telling what he loved about the novel, I told him whatever he said was very relatable as it was something I was studying now. We shared our ideas and notions about literature and the world, and it was such a pleasant conversation. When he was talking, I thought about how much of an amazing lecturer he would be. I would gladly sit in my dad’s classes and would be honoured to listen to him talk about books and the themes of it.

My dad and I have a good relationship. We joke with each other, he tells amazing poetry and puns but what I want more is to have deeper conversations other than where my future is going.

I love the moments we have shared. Our conversations and walks in Dubai and Singapore, having your first beer in a pub with me, dropping me off to Uni for the first time, cooking for me, teaching me how to cut tomatoes, dropping me everywhere I wanted, our Friday morning drives in Dubai, our scooter ride in Kerala, our bike ride in Dubai, your dune buggy accident in the dessert, having Pani Puri in the shops in Bur Dubai, us going to the DVD store to buy films to watch. I also love the songs that you listen to, you have good taste in music dad as for your movie taste in Bollywood, not so much…

I remember it all dad. I can’t wait for more moments and conversations with you.

I am growing up, and I have so little time with you. I do not want to have regrets. I want to know your side of the story, I want to know why you did certain things and why you didn’t. I want to know all about the what if’s and the but’s and the yes’s and the no’s. I might not understand why you had to do some of the things you did but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know anything about you. I want to know everything about you, Dad.

Daddy betta, I know you are reading this. I have a tough time speaking out how I feel, but through words, I can tell it all. Don’t be upset while reading this, okay.

I know it might be hard for you, I or us to start from somewhere but that does not mean we shouldn’t give it a try. I might get irritated and annoyed but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try. “I am the exact photocopy of you” as people say, so you know better how to deal with a mini you.

Some times when you pamper me a lot by speaking in a accent you usually talk with small children and babies, I do get annoyed but I do enjoy it as well. Don’t ever stop doing it despite my annoyance. I love it. Amma always says that “he does it because you are still a small child in front of him and don’t ever get annoyed at him for that”. I get it but I do also want you to see me as an adult as well.

Dad, I love you so much and thank you for working so hard for our family and me. You do so much, and I want you to know that your efforts will be rewarded and are never unnoticed. I do hope I make you proud, daddy betta. We have had our fights and arguments, but I love you no matter what dad. I do hope you know that.

I will always be your “Chunnu babba betta and how much ever nick names you want”!