Month: February 2020

I think I need help

Its RoshniLeave a comment

So as a matter of fact I know this isn’t me 

I honestly don’t remember how to function like I used to 

I keep my brain occupied with everything other than focusing on what’s wrong with me 

I can’t figure out what’s wrong 

I don’t feel the happiest nor the saddest

I don’t feel like talking, if I have to engage in conversations, I shall but I don’t know how or what to talk.

I feel missing but I don’t know what I am missing in myself 

I seem to have forgotten how to function with friends 

I seem to have forgotten how to function for myself 

It’s been like this since a long time 

I have given up on myself but I am continuing 

I am living every day but I don’t remember how I am getting by 

I just get by nowadays 

I don’t know if I am making any efforts because I can’t seem to remember 

It’s as if my body resets my mind as I wake up each morning 

My body resets my mind to nothing and I just fill it with the contents of today 

Then I go to sleep and it starts again 

I have lost myself and I don’t know what to do 

I need help to find my way back 

But how can I call for help when my hands don’t let me do so

Talking to family and friends doesn’t change this thing about me

There is a sadness that sinks in most of the time, at least the sadness made me aware. Now since the sadness has washed over me, a neutrality now sinks in.

Nothing feels the same anymore and I don’t know what feelings to attribute to most of my life now.

I feel as if an alien host has captured my body and seemingly forgot I existed. So, it took over my body and its trying to figure out what to do or how to go by everyday. It is perhaps trying to forget the original possessor of this body. I just feel like a body now.

My goals are a part of me but somewhere in between, I and them seem torn apart for now. I hope I get better.

I say everything is fine everyday and then continue 

I guess now that I have written down how I feel, I can read and realise the extent to which its serious and then call for help 

There are moments in time where both my brain and heart shut down from defeat or exhaustion 

That’s when one should know whatever pain or ordeal the body has to go through, it shall go through with it in peace because there is no mind or heart to break and no mind and heart to feel the bodily pain

The pain of the body becomes mundane and of routine

Every time, as I inch towards my phone to call for help, my brain convinces me it is going to pass away and it does, just to the next day.

It keeps repeating and I believe it.

Update: After a few seconds from posting this.

I think I might have made a mistake letting all this out because now I don’t feel relieved that I have shared this out. I guess I would I have preferred this to be kept in secrecy.

I lost my sleep

Its Roshni2 Comments

It is late night or more so the cusp of a new dawn 

I hear the sounds of the night and watch the streets remain empty 

I listen to the winds roll across the city 

I can see the strong waves of water and wind gush over the city 

Droplets of rain stay on the glasses of the windows tonight and I will bid them adieu soon

The blinds in my room rumble from the winds of the outside world 

The windows are shut yet their force can be felt in this small world of mine. 

I am left with a lot to think. 

In this night, what are we?

I listen to music that was meant for this night. 

I listen to the beats that make me question my destiny 

I listen to rhythms that challenge my beliefs 

I have the gift of watching the world from a magnitude and I use it best according to my capabilities 

I sometimes watch the people walk on the streets and try to wonder what their story in that precise moment is 

I look out to the windows of the other buildings that surround me and try to find a sign of humanity 

Whatever I have written now has stemmed from watching a movie “I lost my body” 

An emotionally gripping movie that takes us through a journey of destiny and pain

Taking risks, living through pain, deviating from the prewritten path of destiny. 

Watching movies helps me understand myself and the world

I watch movies to learn pieces of information that I think I may not learn from anywhere else

I watch them to understand and discover new realms of imagination and theories that I may never find in conversations with myself or the people around me 

I watch them to escape from time momentarily 

I pay attention to them so that I feel 

I watch them to understand because I believe that they make me special 

I love to possess a knowledge that pertains only to me and when sharing it, it makes me feel unique. 

As I listen to the soundtrack of ‘I lost my body’ I am struggling to find the ending to my thoughts now 

My mind can only think of the brilliancy of the movie but also of the night that I am passing through right now

As I listen to this music, I am lost in the moments and in the world of my own thoughts and that of the movie’s. 

Every step outside the hallway frightens me as I have no desire to meet anyone and would rather be writing this. 

Every step inching towards my door nerves me because I do not want to talk to anyone as I wish to be left alone during this time. 

Perhaps, I shouldn’t be trying hard to figure out how to end this. 

I do not feel the need to stress out the manner of words I want to put on this

Sometimes, the ending is better left just as it is, without over thinking.

I feel obliged to tell you more but whatever I will be writing would just be a rephrasal of my initial thought. 

So, allow me to slip into my world and my routine and let me wish you all a good night. 

I am right here, just away from your eyes. 

Its Roshni1 Comment

Today was a beautiful day.

The world spoke to me and the day invited me to seek and soak out the sun and everything it touched

“Get out!” it screamed and that’s what I did!

I have been living in Nottingham for quite some while and it was the first time I had heard of Night Lights- a celebration of lights and art! 

There were many events being held in different parts of the town! 

It was only very few times that one would come across this celebration! 

So, I took the chance and it gave me a reason to go out and explore! 

A reason to discover and to connect! 

An event that caught my attention was one organized by the Green’s Windmill and Science Centre! It offered visitors to view the night lights of the city from a height. My lust for the lights convinced me to go and feast

I did go to the windmill once with my father and we had to climb four flights of steep stairs to reach the top. 

Each step to the view that awaited was a step closer to my heart clenching. 

The reason for my heart to cry out in danger were because of the large gaps between each step.

My brain convinced me that I would slip through those gaps and break the bones or my body or my head

So, my father held my hand and helped me face my fear to climb them. 

I trusted my fears to leave me as soon I held my father’s hand who led the way. 

My fear subsided but never left.

Cutting back to the present, I forgot about those steps and went to see the light.

As soon as I entered the mill, my eyes fell upon those cruel spaces between those stairs. 

My fears came back and I almost decided to abandon my quest to see my love, but I took a brave step and started the ascent 

It was terrifying but my feet led the way and my heart dropped further and further. 

Upon reaching each level, I looked out those small windows and let my eyes gaze upon the skies and then stared with awe at the lights twinkling in the dusk

I couldn’t get enough from each floor and the desire to see more kept me going further and further upon the stairs 

It was terrifying with each step and when I looked down at my feet climbing them, my heart and my body shivered but the desire was stronger than ever. 

As, I finally reached the top, relief and accomplishment showered upon me

I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF! 

I for the first time successfully without anyone’s lending hand faced the daunting fear of these god forsaken stairs

However, my challenge did not end there.

I had to come back to the ground and climbing down somehow was much worse 

To see all the huge gaps at one go as you walk down was my doom 

I carefully took all the time the world offered and let my feet step down onto each step slowly as a tortoise. 

The rest was history but I reached the ground. 

I had completed the ascent! 

No matter how small the adventure or challenge is, once completed, nothing can ever amount to the greatness you feel!

One day, one adventure

Many more to go

To capture this state of euphoria, I wrote down my thoughts and I couldn’t be more serendipitous. 

Out of this day came a work of art that I am proud of.

Sometimes, I do it for the words and sometimes, I do it for the adventures. 

Today, I did it for both. 

By your side

Its Roshni4 Comments

This is my first time doing such a video! It is simple but I am proud of how it has turned out!

I wanted my thoughts to be experienced or to evoke a sense of vulnerability which is why I decided to make this!

It is a moment I felt that one needs to experience and by reading my thoughts amongst the nature, it felt calming!

So I would really love it if you guys would check it out and tell me what you guys think about it!

Thank you!!

Do go to YouTube to check it out!!