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Today is a messy day for my heart.

I watched the final few minutes of Call Me by Your Name. I then listened to Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens and broke my heart. 

Watching Ellio’s heart break in the final few minutes was gut wrenching and somewhere, I found his pain relatable. 

I have never been in relationship or in love, so I do not know the pain he went through.

The pain that I resonated with was slowly falling for someone and knowing it was a mistake for myself. 

It is a mistake because there is no future with him.

How do I know? I just know. 

All the ‘what if’s’ and ‘could have been’s will haunt me till I bleed out dry.

I have only had two crushes throughout, one in middle school and one now.

Middle school was more of an infatuation. Now, I am not sure. 

I wish I was confident to tell my heart out, but I am not ready for whatever that will arise from it.

The curse of growing older is having to deal with your feelings for someone more intensely.

As you grow older, you open yourself to a plethora of intensity and rawness that you will never be mentally equipped for. 

All you have are the conjured-up fantasies you have made with them.

You will never tell them how you feel

Instead, you will keep it all inside and hope it goes away someday

There are days where they don’t exist and then there are those days where all you want is them.

You remember moments that make you smile. You are now doomed. 

You try to erase them from your reality, but these sudden signs indicate you both are meant to be

You are a believer of the naivety and foolishness of your hopeful heart

The weather isn’t helping. 

I usually am a fan of grey skies but not today.

Today, it reminds me of everything I could never have. 

I am going to burry this deep down and never dig it out.

This is the only way.