It’s quite late here in Singapore. I have no will power to write words. All that I have left to say is I am not a big fan of 2020.
Questions that haunt me.
Frankly, I do not have much to write today. Instead, I will let you in on some questions my mind already had and has been coming up with.
For the questions I have, I know there are answers or an attempt to an answer. I know they will help me gain clarity, yet I am dissatisfied. Opinions and views shall be understood from my quest, but I do not know what it will do for my belief system.
Some will be answered, and some will plague me for eternity.
- Why did God create us to have emotions and what did God intend us to do with it?
- Why did the universe have to exist?
- Is Manifestation just another way of asking God for your dreams to come true?
- What reality are we living in?
- Am I in a coma and the life that I am living has all happened?
- Are we all in someone else’s dream?
- What are my dreams trying to tell me?
- Will there ever be a machine that can capture my dreams, so that when I wake up, I can hook myself onto it and then continue the dream?
- If I do something out of the ordinary, does the universe know and change its course of time or did it plan my unexpected move all along?
- How can I ease the guilt of my wrong doings I have done in the past?
- When we hear certain songs, why do we only play that on loop because nothing else can match it?
- Who else is listening to or watching the same thing as I in this world right now?
- What are other people doing at this very moment?
- Why do good people suffer the most and not the bad ones?
- Why do bad people have it easier than the good people?
- Who has the authority to kill a person and how is it justified?
- Where do the dead go? Is there a heaven or a hell?
- The strangers in my dreams, do I know them from a past life, are they faces I have seen in the streets or are they my doing?
- Do I believe in signs? Are certain signs indicating that odds and the evens of my life?
- If there are alternate realities, am I there in each one of them? What am I doing in them?
- Will there be a next life?
- When I see my own self from another body or from mine, will I be able to recognize her? Can I recognize my own self?
- If we don’t meet the people we know now, what would have happened in our lives?
- Is everything meant to be, or do we take charge? To what limit, do we own control of everything in our life?
How will I know?
If you have subscribed for the emotional experience, please do listen to this song and then continue to read this.
Today is a messy day for my heart.
I watched the final few minutes of Call Me by Your Name. I then listened to Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens and broke my heart.
Watching Ellio’s heart break in the final few minutes was gut wrenching and somewhere, I found his pain relatable.
I have never been in relationship or in love, so I do not know the pain he went through.
The pain that I resonated with was slowly falling for someone and knowing it was a mistake for myself.
It is a mistake because there is no future with him.
How do I know? I just know.
All the ‘what if’s’ and ‘could have been’s will haunt me till I bleed out dry.
I have only had two crushes throughout, one in middle school and one now.
Middle school was more of an infatuation. Now, I am not sure.
I wish I was confident to tell my heart out, but I am not ready for whatever that will arise from it.
The curse of growing older is having to deal with your feelings for someone more intensely.
As you grow older, you open yourself to a plethora of intensity and rawness that you will never be mentally equipped for.
All you have are the conjured-up fantasies you have made with them.
You will never tell them how you feel
Instead, you will keep it all inside and hope it goes away someday
There are days where they don’t exist and then there are those days where all you want is them.
You remember moments that make you smile. You are now doomed.
You try to erase them from your reality, but these sudden signs indicate you both are meant to be
You are a believer of the naivety and foolishness of your hopeful heart
The weather isn’t helping.
I usually am a fan of grey skies but not today.
Today, it reminds me of everything I could never have.
I am going to burry this deep down and never dig it out.
This is the only way.
Day 2, going alright.
To be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to continue with this writing challenge but I saw a post on Instagram about being a better writer. That inspired me and here I am.
I will be going for a walk soon. Being at home and watching Avatar: The Airbender is entertaining indeed, however I would like to not be cooped up in my home.
I had an idea on what to post for the second day of this writing challenge. Just a blank page. I can call it a symbolic piece and you can interpret that blank page however if you want. Your mind is the artist. A good idea but it was lazy of me.
Yesterday, I watched the film, ‘ Edge of Tomorrow’. It was surprisingly very comedic despite being a serious sci fi movie. I look forward to watching more sci fi movies and I have regained my love for sci fi again.
There are no new bizarre thoughts going on in my mind that would interest people. In fact, there are no thoughts in my head now. My mind latches onto tasks that I am doing thus not wanting to indulge in no thoughts.
This writing challenge is turning into a diary entry. I am not a fan of diary entries because they remind me of an educational construct. In middle school, writing diary entries was one of the way how we were tested our creative writing abilities. What is a good replacement for the word diary entry?
I eagerly wait for when I can go back to university to start my Masters. I also wait for my I-pad so I can be productive and super organized.
2020 is that cheeky little bastard who just keeps giving more and more when no one wants it to.
I am going to go for that walk now.
Yesterday was my birthday and surprisingly, I enjoyed it despite the whole world in quarantine. I think this will go down in ‘one of the best birthdays of all time’ list. Thank you to my best friends Dale and Raveena and my parents who made it joyful!
I am 21. So, a legal adult who will deal with legal repercussions.
Moving on from that, I am now free from my university obligations. I was supposed to be done with my assignments tomorrow. But why stretch it, so I handed over everything the day before my birthday so I can start my life as a 21 year old without stress.
Starting my 21 with joy and the crying mentality that I am becoming older. True definition of growing older, at least to me.
Having completed my assignments, I am now a free bird who no longer carries the weight of her babies.
Now that I am free, I do not know what to do with all this time I have.
Countless tasks and actions come to mind but none seem to want to formulate.
I am trying to finish reading a book, but my mind wanders off to doing something that I don’t even know.
I was learning Japanese back when I was doing my assignments but now that I finished my assignments, learning a new language no longer grabs my attention
I guess I took upon other tasks during my assessment time because I wanted my mind to focus on other things as well.
I think I liked to have my mind engaged with a stressful obligation. The thrill of a deadline, having to complete your final task and finally handing it over. I miss the routine.
Now, I wake up and am in a constant turmoil of figuring out what to do from the limited tasks that I like.
The days have never seemed so long.
I am scouring the internet for games to play to stop the constant nagging of my bored mind. I am trying to finish reading the selfish gene by Richard Dawkins.
I think it’s time to invest in an iPad pro. I am going all out, buying the keyboard and the stick. Thank you, father, for the money you will spend. I am grateful. I look forward to making money in the future.
I also look forward to my times with iPad. I am hoping this will help me with being creative, organized and more productive. You know like those youtubers?
This quarantine has made many people take up many tasks and seeing so many people read so much has made me upset with myself.
I claim that I love reading and I love books but why can’t I find the inspiration or motivation to finish reading a book?
On the other hand, I have been watching an array of movies.
Movies can also be like books, right? The only thing different is that it “is a visual art-form used to simulate experiences that communicate ideas, stories, perceptions, feelings, beauty or atmosphere, by the means of recorded or programmed moving images, along with sound other sensory stimulations.”
I can’t wait to see how long I will continue to write my thoughts and what I do every day.
Roshni, at least try doing this. It’s not like you have much to do anyways.
It won’t be that hard to write down your thoughts on paper or in this case, on word on laptop.
How hard is it to come up with new thoughts every day? Not impossible, it can be doable.
I wait for the days when we all will reach a new normal.
See you tomorrow!
Do check the video out and I have added the written work below for people who would like to give it a read!
I do not know where I stand anymore
My life goes on, but I am not sure how
I go for long walks to avoid home
I do wish the earth was flat
It would give me a reason to not come back home
I could go on and on without a care
I do wish I often had someone I could walk the trails with
A friend, a lover or an enemy
I do not know how it would go but I think every company would bring its own delight to the dynamic
I am turning into an adult in a few days
I do not seem fit to take on this role
It makes me sad and scared
I cry at a youth I could have spent more wisely
Crying over spilt milk has often been my motto
Over here, people are keen to celebrate my existence. I am not.
If my life were to be a painting, I would use blue and yellow
Colours of sadness and happiness. A contrast is often nice.
With the shades that come from them, it would be enough to paint a picture
I have heard that a hero goes through several stages in order to be deemed as a hero.
Am I even halfway?
What am I?
I am a coward and will always be
I wonder how can I be the hero and not the villain?
An anti-hero would also be fine. I guess I am an anti-hero then…
I am in no position to sleep
So, what do I do?
Will you help me count the infinite stars painted on the black sky?
I have reached home.
I see no signs of home.
I guess, the earth is flat after all.
I will continue to walk on this flat earth
I walk not knowing where I will go
I will walk, I may fall, but I will never look for home.