My love feels blue

I feel blue

Blue has so many layers that I swim in

I dwell in those deep shades of blue

It has the layer of joy

It has the layer of sadness

I crave it for the warmth 

I crave it for it’s wintry crisp

I crave it for it’s gloomy storms

Blue is an appetite that always stirs up my senses and affections

I like to drown myself into the void of blue

It masks what I feel and dream about 

My love feels blue 

A blue that is desolate, A blue that wants to invite, A blue that fears, A blue that clenches and hopes, A blue that is alone.

I dream about love

A love so great

A love that I may never find 

I dream of love in my dreams and fantasies 

My fantasies are filled with love and the lust of it

I am happy in it, I feel connected and safe

I feel the happiest when I feel them

It feels so surreal, in that moment I feel almost complete as I stand on an edge that prevents from making the cross over to the other side

It is a sense of joy and warmth that I cannot explain 

How can dreams make me feel so safe and warm

Why do I dream of love every time I lie down to slumber 

Do I crave it so much that I need to dream in order to have it? 

I am afraid of not finding it 

I am afraid that there is no one out there who could love me

My brain forms many stories about love, many fantasies but I am afraid it is all too false in this world 

I blame the songs and films I listen and watch with so much of heart 

I blame the worlds of the stories I explore 

I blame myself for falling into a trap that I am afraid I can never get out of 

I blame myself for letting it all fall into me 

I blame myself for letting them cross over the walls I never built, the walls that were meant to not let it happen

But through these songs, movies, stories and dreams I live and breathe it all

I do not want this to ever stop yet it keeps slicing and wounding deeper and deeper

I dream of a love where he never lets go and stays beside me 

I dream of a love where we stay up all night admist the barren land looking at the stars above us and listening to songs that were meant for this very moment 

I dream where we dance under the stars all night long…

I dream of a love where we both understand and love each other to the fullest despite our differences and faults 

I dream of a love so raw, intense and passionate 

I dream of a love where there is understanding, communication, respect, integrity, loyalty and all the goodness associated with it

I dream of a love where we both maintain our own individualities

I dream of a love where we still can live and survive without each other but we choose not to because we are so in love

I dream of a love where we travel and discover 

I dream of it all that I have now lost count 

I see other people and their great love stories and I wonder am I asking for too much or am I simply not worth it any time soon or ever? 

I am happy with what I have right now in this present time 

But why do I always crave for that feeling 

In the back of the corners of my mind, I wait in search for that love 

I not only want to accept the joy and lust of love but also would invite the heart break along with it 

I gladly accept the pain that it will bring into my life

I will gladly welcome the gut wrenching hurt along with it, the hurt when things turn array

I will gladly soak myself with the pain that no words could ever describe 

I welcome it all and accept the consequences as well 

I am still in hopes

I patiently wait and wait as my mind tells me there is a time and place for it all

When I am ready, it will come and seek me or do I go searching for it? 

How will I ever know? 

What if I have someone far far away but the world lets it be, never giving us a chance to ever cross paths? 

How will I ever know? 

Will you ever hand me down a sign? 

Someday, when I acquire my love, I will still feel blue but I will be swimming into the new shades of blue, a blue that is left waiting to be dwelled into…

I want to love

I want to be loved…

To not care or to care, That is the question.

You were a produce amongst many of the others 

I chose you out of the many

I nurtured you and I fed you 

I fed you with everything you wanted, needed and secretly demanded

Without a moment of hesitation I submitted it all to you

You are a taste one acquires at first but then fails to spit it out letting the venom make its habitat in you

You are a taste that is full of disdain and delusion

You are a poisonous thorn tricked to hide among the flowers and then you strike

You were like the rest but I guess I was never fully over your kind which is why I keep growing you

You spread like a plague in my veins and it furiates me 

I fed and fed, your hunger remains an itch 

I hear and hear, and now my ears are bleeding

I have hurt and hurt, and your hunger loves it 

I know how to get rid of you and when I do decide to unleash the cure, those will be the days you will fear and break

My cure carries so much of hatred and truth that it will forever petrify you and the impact would carry on for the remainder of its time

Your wounds might heal but my cure will always leach on to you

I let you grow into the skies, I let you reach the clouds not soley by my help but you took in the others as well, they helped you without knowing what they are in for

I stay on the ground with my knife sharpened ready to stem you off when the times arrive 

Why I do this, I will never know 

I let these thoughts get into my head and they make me dance 

You are scared of me, now I know but I want to destroy and make you bleed

My toungue itches to make you cry and bleed for what you do but I remain silent with these burning aches and not letting the fumes take over entirely 

I let you feel the scorching sun a bit by bit

I will let you get used to these rays, needful and cancerous 

I will never unleash my full power on you because I know I will forever break you and I do not want to be haunted for the remainder of my life as I still desire to be a bit of a good human on the inside.

You want to be seen, you want to be the force that breaks and makes it all

You want a life you can never have 

You can have it but you are too deluded by your posion to see through your act

You blame me

You strike me in the back with my own weapons

You feed me your hurtful words through your dying self 

And yet you seem to be the one in the right 

You seem to still be the flower amongst the many 

And now I have no choice but to cut off you from the fields 

You have leeched onto my depleting self and have taken my sanity and peace

You have ripped me of my happiness and put these questionable sins in my head 

Are you worth the sins?

The sins that I should be proud of

The sins that will determine my place in hell

The heart

I no longer wanted to feel human

So I sharpened my knife and butchered out my heart from my body

I bled and bled but I let it be as I no longer wanted this ache to roar

I was now just a human with a pair of eyes and ears to see the world as it is and not for the layers it has bathed itself in

This gave me the perspective I needed

All I now am is a body and an existence without the force to feel things that once made me a fool

I saw the heart out there, throbbing and beating

It did not stop, it did not stop

What do I do to relieve it of its senses

With no heart in me, watching that heart writher and squirm for help created a sense of humanism in me, but how?

At the same time, I was delighted to see it in misery as I no longer had to inhabit it

Was this how I once felt when it was in me?

A desperation to release everything I felt

The next few moments passed by without my knowledge

I am not aware of how I got here and why but it had a purpose

I opened the glass cage and placed the heart tenderly on my hands

I felt it needed to be taken care of gently, so I caressed it with a soft delicacy

It wailed and wailed but I could see no tears drop down

It felt sad and lonely

It felt betrayed

It wanted to be with home

It ached and ached, I did not know what to do then and now

All it wanted was to simply let it be

I could not let it simply be

With one simple swift, I gave it the end it deserved

Now I was a human with a heart…


Why

Why does my heart ache at something that never had the fullest possibility of ever happening?

Perhaps it was due to the fact that it dangled in front of me like a bait and I was lured into and trapped.

Why does my heart cry out in silence and clutch at the possibility of clinging on to that hope that would make me happy again?

Perhaps it was due to the fact that I had to pass these days to finish of work and find a drive to motivate me to do my life.

Why do I put myself through these days and hope for a miracle to befall and change it all?

Perhaps it’s because I am a fool to believe in the grandeur and delusions that my heart still clings on to waiting for some good miracles to take place.

Why does the universe conspire against me?

Perhaps it enjoys tricking me into believing that my happiness would be fulfilled; but it then snatches it away at the very end leaving me in sadness and despair

I blame it not on the world and the people in it but solely on myself for expecting it to happen

I blame myself for clinging on to that hope and faith of it taking place into action

When the odds are stacked up against it; I still firmly stand my resolve onto that very last hope

But as each day transpires; I find myself being toyed with and not knowing where to stand and what to put my beliefs into

It is the night and I find myself very upset and lonely at how the outcomes have played in

I seek no companionship or love but only the warmth of some warm home food and the comfort of my loving family beside me at these sad times

But they are not here and are miles away, away from my heart and away from bodies…

My troubles are deep rooted and lie in the tangled web of my feelings and emotions for my family… This is a string so entangled in this web that disrupting it would be equivalent to destructing myself and the universe I exisit in.

I bother to not find a way of letting these troubles escape and fall into the hands of my companions as it is of no use…

I have the best of the comrades with me, but why can I not confide in them?

Perhaps a solution even by them won’t solve the fix I am in…

Why bother when the world can’t help or create a solution?

Talks with my comrades help

Talks help but for how long? They are a source of comfort but the pain still resides now stronger than ever without myself ever realizing it…

No one seems to truly understand where I come from or what I intent as I have trouble laying it out for them to understand, see and dwel.

As I struggle to take out these feelings and pour it out here, I find that the ache still tighlty clutches around my heart and the feeling of sadness has made its home in here now.

What use are my efforts to put it out if I am not getting relived of this mess?

Why bother when the world can’t help or create a solution?

What can I do to evade myself out of this glorified pain?

Sleep it off and let it transpire to the next dawn I wake up in.

Let my mind skip on to the other good things of life and try to move on

What I find myself comforting is indulging is into bussum and the pleasures of Satan?

The former was an attempt to humour myself from the the series of unfortunate events I have taken a turn to

I find myself indulging not into the pleasures of Satan as a comedic relief but into the world of movies and televison shows, being a spectre and the observer of an other world helps myself slip away from the troubles I am in now

From one world to an other, oh how I would love to hop around when things go uneasy all the times but alas one cannot do that at all times.

Or wait for the event to happen and then mope around for believing in the chances and the luck of it happening at all, but what if?

A fool you are to believe that good things happen all the times…

Have you not learnt anything my dear fool?

Why does …

Perhaps, let’s not bother…

7. The Epilogue



Have I done my job…?

I know how to play you

I know how to keep you in this trap 

I know what to do to you but if I reveal it, I won’t be that good of a creator that I think I am. 

Will I now? 

I know I should not keep it too short, otherwise I lose you or you feel too incomplete and decide not to reengage 

You feel there is no context 

I know I should not keep it too long because then you might lose interest in me

You might see through my act

You might find that pattern and let it be 

You will fail to see what else lies beneath if I complete it all in this long stretch 

You will depart and I don’t want that

I want you to stay as long as I want 

For that to happen, this piece needs to achieve and find that delicate balance of inquisition, naivety, complexity, delicacy, manipulation by me so that I keep you in this long run 

I think I have found it, now I need to test it out and see if it works

If it does, I will continue 

If it doesn’t, I re-evaluate, repeat, research and see why you are not deep into it like I am 

I do not know for how long it will last but I intend for you to be in this whole ride 

Now I have lost that drift and I am wide awake desperate to go back to that slumber that awaits me but you know what to do always don’t you? 

You play with me a lot

You trick me and I end up falling to it every god damn time 

What have I done?

6. Hooked and Trapped

Continued from 5… You didn’t think I was finished with my work yet, right?

Is this how writers feel when they leave you hooked? 

It’s like a musical note towards the finale but incomplete 

They play around with that last note, it lingers around and then you wait for them to end that note but no…

They leave it hanging on that very tone that is yet to bring a conclusion

That last note carried the conclusion, but they wander and wait and pause

They test you, they want to see if you are in for the ride and would remain loyal until the very end

Just like your breath hitching 

You want to exhale, you want to breathe but you cannot until you have heard the tone conclude

It starts but still hasn’t hit the key ending just yet

So, you choose to linger and find out rather than die with the hanging note

You choose to stick along to the completion according to the creator’s free will. 

The conclusion is not far… I will relieve your mind soon

5. Complete

Continued from 4. From the land of the lost and tired, I have found my way

I am afraid of not jotting all of you down

You play and toy with me

All these thoughts appear at once and once I close my eyes and drift off; these thoughts and words never make its mark again

They fade away just like the rest 

Now that I have written and stored you down

I feel complete and I feel myself drift off 

I let that drift take over me welcomingly

Let me flow into that land that awaits me 

I have completed you