Confessions

Writing, a skill everyone has, but very few people in this world have the power to create an impact or an effect with those words.

I know quite a lot of people who have that spark to create a profounding meaningful impact, and sometimes I often wonder whether I have been given that or whether am I any good at it.

Have I or Can I ever impact anyone with my words? Do they like reading what I write? If not, then how can I impact them? But then, I am happy with what I write. Questions like these roam and buzz around my mind.

I write a lot, a lot of unpublished ones pile up like a pile of lego blocks reaching up towards the sky. Many thoughts protrude in my head and each piece arises from a thought or a feeling.

I have been writing for quite some time, especially on my Instagram, but for a few months, it has come to a halt.

Why did I stop?

Maybe it was the lack of appreciation or feedback, or maybe the undying thought of me not being good enough when compared to others, or maybe I lost my passion, or I simply didn’t have anything to write on.

I have been a person who tends to thrive on compliments and feedback, so when that stopped or started becoming less, I guess somewhere I just lost my passion to post about what I write. I know that this a wrong reason and I want to deny it.

Also somewhere along the lines, I simply lost the zest and zeal to come up with anything new to write.

I started this blog of mine because now, I don’t mind or at least I think I don’t. I am trying not to mind. It’s going well but it’s hard.

It’s been quite some time with this blog now, it’s still a new creation under works. I am proud of it. A platform where I can truly share.

Selfish desires do exisit in me.

As a writer, a part of me would always wish and aspire for people to like what I write. As a writer, I wish my pieces would become worthy of being published somewhere. As a writer and sole creator of this blog, I wish for it to become popular and create buzz around. As a writer, I wish I could do this for a living. But most out of all, As a writer, I wish for my pieces to make people feel emotions and feelings. 

I have a wish, to publish a book about different thoughts, feelings, stories, moments and experiences. If at least one person can understand, relate to it, feel something out of it, my job is done and it’s also an added bonus. 

Keeping the selfih desires ahead, I write because I love to do it. It’s my source of escape and expression. This makes my selfish desires fade away into nothingess,  but once in a bluemoon, those wishes do arise. 

When I feel demotivated or less enthusiastic, I go back to the posts I wrote, read them and the comments underneath. The comments did cheer me up, but it reminded of why I wrote.

I wrote because I loved to write and through writing, I finally found a way to place all my thoughts, actions and feelings into words.

Also somewhere in the corner of the world, if it at least makes one person happy or if they can relate to it, my task is done and as an added bonus, my happiness can also break out of its cocoon and have its time in the gleaming sunlight.

Writing has always been my comfort blanket, and I shouldn’t stop because of any of those reasons.

Many tiny reasons other than that also lie beneath this mess. I often become quite lazy as well to post over here as well on Instagram.

Like I said, many drafts lay upon me, but when it comes to publishing it, a cloud of overwhelming doubt and laziness engulf me, but I am not giving up. I won’t give up.

I feel doubtful and scared because at times, with some of the content I put up, I feel it reveals a bit too much of me or maybe the things I write could hurt some people knowingly and unknowingly.

It’s the latter reason I worry about more because I wouldn’t want to upset people but what is life without that?

This blog defines a part of who I am and I won’t let that definition fade away. I hope and pray that this enthusiasm and this definition never die in me.

I await eagerly to write and write about many things. I eagerly await for it to get published for the world to read. I eagerly await for the response. This whole process is so intoxciating and exhilarating.

I hope this excitement never fades away. I hope everything what I feel about my blog never fades away into nothingess.

Hi!!

To start off, my name is Roshni. And, its been quite some time I have had this thought of blogging in that head of mine. I was lazy the entire time and now I don’t know I just wanna do it because I am really passionate about this. And it’s better to start now than never.

I hope this energy lasts for a lifetime and not just for one week cause that’s how I am. (GREAT, FEW SENTENCES IN AND I AM ALREADY A WRECK.)

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Let me give you a small insight into how I am. This is an answer I struggle to come up with every time when people ask me to describe myself in a few words because few words are never enough to understand the complexities of a person.

So here goes nothing. Hi!!

I am a girl, that’s for starters. I am 19, afraid of turning older second by second. I love to swear and do swear quite a lot. Its registered in my daily system and I can’t seem to function without swearing at least once a day. I am Gemini and I relate to every character trait of my star sign and YES I DO BELIEVE IN HOROSCOPES AND A BIT OF superstitions. (PS: This is either going wonderful or down the drain)

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Now, I am slightly on the shy scale, not shy. I just have an immense dislike for the people of the world. There are certain types of people I am an extrovert to and to the rest of the world, I curl up in a corner and just listen and nod. I do talk as well but not as much as I like because where I am now, I just am not myself.

It’s not being fake if that’s whats going on in your mind. I am me, just not the happiest and slightly more real version I wish to be amongst those people.

I am in university in the UK thousands of miles away from home. Guess, that’s also a factor that goes into counting.

Let’s go back to the roots, shall we? I am from India, more specific, a state called Kerala, often called God’s own country, but I have spent my entire 18 years in the “GULF”, Dubai.

(PS: I often wonder why so, considering how the state and people are? But meh, I love being a mallu, That’s what we are called, MALLUS!! And the “GULF” thing is just another mallu thing!! )

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The first few years of my life, HOW DO I PUT THIS INTO WORDS YOU WILL UNDERSTAND?! Aaaaahh, yes I was a big-time BRAT!! So, as an only child, whatever things my dad used to buy, I used to show it off at school. ( The good old days of Hannah Montana and High School Musical stickers)
(PS: As you keep reading, you will understand how much of a DISNEY/NICKELODEON person I am and you will also see why..)

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After those bratty years faded away, then came the year of waterworks, The year where I cried for everything and became a tad too emotional. Let’s keep it short and brief: That was not a pretty year.

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Then came years 11 and 12, AKA THE BEST YEARS OF MY HIGH SCHOOL LIFE, where I had the chance to break free ( get it, high school musical, GABRIELLA AND TROY’S SONG, BREAKING FREE ) and become the person I always wanted to be. I was quite the extrovert, believe it or not. I was the school prefect, a student counselor, participated in talent shows and debates did impersonations mainly of Mr. Feeny from boy meets world, (a Disney show) for my friends. To put it in simple words, I was like Riley and Maya from Girl meets world (disney show) Every other day, I used to do some crazy shit.  Gosh, I had the best group of friends all my life and then uni came along. ( PS: I do have some really good friends in Uni but you know, I just can’t get to be myself around them, again: NOT BEING FAKE)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT TO YOU THE FEENY CALL, also I will show it to you sometime, LATAAAEERRR

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and then RILEY AND MAYA

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Uni came and then I kind of broke… I really wanted to go to India to study but my dad knew what’s best for me and shipped me off to the UK. Don’t get me wrong, I love studying and being there, its just that place is not me. I never was ready for the change and I still am not. India just spoke to me. I am studying English Literature & Language and I am so grateful to my father for sending me to the UK to study and I owe that to him. I have tried many new things and learned a lot about life, people and basically everything.

But it all came at a cost, I lost a huge part of myself after going there. I cried every day, I still do. It became too much. I just stopped becoming myself, not entirely, just not that real I used to be. Back home, I was the people person, loved making friends, loved just you know being loud and now, I am just not feeling it with anyone over there. Somewhere deep inside, I am slightly a bit unhappy. Now, I just am quiet, well not “quite quiet”. I just don’t know.

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I always felt India college life, like the movie Aaandam, that college life was what I wanted ( WELL THAT’S A MOVIE, YOU ALL WILL SAY, but still, somewhat like that) Cause all my friends who are in India well, they are just living that life I wanted and it kind of makes me sad.

I felt that was going to be better for me, in terms of people and basically the social life but then coming to think of it, its the education that matters and I am happy that my dad sent here. (PS: I have been saying this quite a lot, I don’t know if I am trying to convince myself. Like I said, I am still taking some time and adjusting to it.)

But really , I am so thankful and greatful to him and a bit happy cause the freedom to do anything MAHN, THATS THE BEST!!

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So what I want to say, is people and places change people. That’s the circle of life. ( I got this from an episode in Girl Meets World, a Disney show.) The UK and the people brought out another me, a me that is different from the real me, and Dubai and my friends brought out the real me. The me that I always want to be and I always am.

That me comes out when I am alone and when I am with certain friends. I love to dance and sing ( NOT GREAT AT IT AT ALL, COULDNT EVEN DO THAT FOR A LIVING IF IT COMES TO THAT) I love acting. I feel like I am good at it. I am a tad bit on the dramatic scale, like not the bad drama, the crazy Disney drama. I love me the person who I can be crazy and real with and also they should feel the same, and I am glad I have found some of them!!

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I LOVE CARTOONSSSS and let me tell you, no matter what, the cartoons of my generation are the best!! COURAGE THE COWARDLY DOG, JHONNY BRAVO, KIDS NEXT DOOR, MR BEAN, PAPOYE THE SAILOR MAN, there is just too much of goodness.

I AM GOOFY, WEIRD, SILLY, VERY CLUMSY. I like cooking a bit. I love to write and READDDDD!!! BOOKS AND FANDOMS ARE A HUGE PART OF ME!! TV SHOWS, MOVIES AND MUSIC HAVE SHAPED ME A LOT.

The above two paragraphs are for another time, cause if I start talking about that, I don’t think we will ever hear the end of it.

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What else I am missing in this character description?!

Aaaahhh, yes last but not the least, I love my family way too much and a few of my friends. I love memes, midnight talks and rides, music and walks in the dark. I want to travel to everywhere. I like to see the sunrise. I love those scenes like the ending of perks of being a wallflower and I deeply wish that would happen to me Someday. I love the supernatural stuff ( NOT GHOSTS/DEMONS) I am not a fan of confrontation and speaking the bitter truths. Sometimes, I have these dark messy thoughts in my brain and I like it cause there is a beauty in the dark.

I like to believe we all are different in our own ways. Sometimes unique, sometimes common. I believe in my faiths.

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So, on the top of my mind, I think I have covered the half of it. If there is more, well, I am not going anywhere any time soon or neither is this website.

So, bye folks, I hope you are not exhausted reading this. If you are, I sincerely apologize and now you know how the rest of my posts are gonna be.

 

To conclude, I am gonna end in a Bollywood filmy dialogue.

” Yeh toh sirf trailer hai, picture abhi baaki hai mere dost”

( Meaning: This is just the trailer, the movie is still left, my friend.)

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Bye!!