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What’s been happening

Its RoshniLeave a comment

Dear Me,

Right now, the world is not so great, and you are losing inspiration and motivation to do things that you love, and you need to do.

Through this, I am attempting to try and get some of my creativity flow through my hands and perhaps watching my words unravel might bring me some joy and make me remember why I started to do this in the first place. 

Let me tell you what’s been going on. 

Right now, there is this “small virus” going around in the world, I have heard its potentially life threatening and apparently the people are supposed to stay at homes and maintain social distance amongst other people. 

It’s officially a pandemic and I am not saying this for the boom effect. It’s actually been declared as a pandemic by WHO. 

If any of you were living under a rock and not aware of this news, I would advise you to still be living under a rock because right now, that is the safe thing to do. 

The most “bizarre” thing I have heard is that they have to maintain hygiene by washing their hands with soap. Have you ever heard of such a ridiculous thing? I am surprised people have started to take this seriously considering such sort of hygiene was not maintained back then, so why now?
Just for this “small virus”. RIDICULOUS. 

Due to this “so called virus”, there are some people rebelling and “I appreciate them”. They are doing what they want by going out and not caring about if other people get it and die. How daring of them to care for themselves! How nice of them to not stay at homes and just wander outside!

I truly understand them because why should one stay at home and inconvenience themselves for caring about other people when they can just go out into the world and have a “wonderful day”! 

I applaud you! 

Sadly, I can’t display such an extravagant feat because my parents have “told” me to stay at home and dare I say, they are concerned about them and myself getting this “virus”. Honestly, I don’t see what the “big deal” is. 

Let me get real with you. Staying at home with my parents under one roof is not easy. Sometimes, I wish I was back in the UK but then the other times, I am glad I am back at home with them.

I just wish I could go out and enjoy but sadly, “I must care for myself and the people around me by not stepping out and remaining in ‘jail’, because that’s the safe thing to do”

How rude! 

Apparently, some of the countries in the world are also on lockdown. This “virus” must be one hell of a “killer”. This has caused people to buy huge amounts of toilet paper amongst many other products.

 I “totally get it”. 

I mean I “understand” why they buy such huge amounts. “Sadly, people who stockpile” are getting a bad rep!

 “I don’t get it.” 

One should always prepare themselves for a big bathroom emergency or for dressing up as a mummy for the next Halloween. (If only we get to go trick or treating, considering there is this inconvenient virus going around.)

The world’s current scenario somewhat resembles the movies with plot lines of deadly viruses eradicating the people. 

I always thought maybe, I could survive but now I am not so sure because it’s not a zombie apocalypse and I don’t think I might even possess the skills to survive a zombie apocalypse. 

If you count watching countless movies and shows and gathering information from it as a weapon, perhaps I have a chance. 

Passing the days at home has now become a task. 

Each day, I am slowly running out of goals or interests to do or I just don’t have the interest to do anything because being confined in the four walls of my room apparently is not inspiring or motivating. Who knew?!

I don’t know if I have a sanity to lose because it seems that I have lost it quite a while back. 

These last few months were quite the worst for my mental state, and I didn’t spend enough time with my friends and I deeply regret that now. 

I wish I could go back in time and change it all. 

When this virus wasn’t around, all I wanted was for was confinement, a good internet connection, my laptop and food. 

With this virus around, I still want those above-mentioned things but also be granted the freedom to step outside into the world and have adventures by myself and with people without the crippling fear of contracting a virus. 

Time is what it will take for this nightmare to end and when it does, I hope not to transgress back into my ways of not understanding the worth of the world and my freedom. 

When a new dream soon starts, I want to make it all count. 

It’s funny that all it took was a “pandemic” to truly realize how much I miss being out in the world. 

It’s funny that all it took was a “pandemic” to truly realize how much I miss being with my friends and family.

It’s funny that all it took was a “pandemic” to truly realize how much I took things for granted.

What’s next?

Your regards 

Me

Another state

Its Roshni1 Comment

I go to sleep without the help of aid these days now 

In the past, as I have awoken from sleep, I remember details of my dreams vividly but now I seem to have loosen myself into them

Earlier, I witnessed my dreams from the point of a third person but now, it seems like I step into my dreams and control it

In between or moments before I wake up, there seems to be a moment of weariness. 

My body becomes weak, I try waking up but fall into the bed as if my head is filled with the drugs I have consumed at parties. 

Falling into the bed, I see the world in front of me in distortion and

I fall back into a state of vertiginous 

I have read that this is astral projection

What I might have experienced cannot fully be of that nature but a part of does believe in the unknown. 

There used to be times where after waking up, I could recount every breathing second of those dreams but now, I remember fragments

Significant fragments that soon vanish in the nick of time 

The fragmented moments that I remember are of value because I then learn what I lust for 

In brief, my soul and mind break free my body and course through the universe permitting me to slip into stories created by me semi-consciously which are then cut. I proceed to then jump into a different time and story. These cuts happen and I sail through them with no recollection of how I get from one port to another. 

I think I need help

Its Roshni2 Comments

So as a matter of fact I know this isn’t me 

I honestly don’t remember how to function like I used to 

I keep my brain occupied with everything other than focusing on what’s wrong with me 

I can’t figure out what’s wrong 

I don’t feel the happiest nor the saddest

I don’t feel like talking, if I have to engage in conversations, I shall but I don’t know how or what to talk.

I feel missing but I don’t know what I am missing in myself 

I seem to have forgotten how to function with friends 

I seem to have forgotten how to function for myself 

It’s been like this since a long time 

I have given up on myself but I am continuing 

I am living every day but I don’t remember how I am getting by 

I just get by nowadays 

I don’t know if I am making any efforts because I can’t seem to remember 

It’s as if my body resets my mind as I wake up each morning 

My body resets my mind to nothing and I just fill it with the contents of today 

Then I go to sleep and it starts again 

I have lost myself and I don’t know what to do 

I need help to find my way back 

But how can I call for help when my hands don’t let me do so

Talking to family and friends doesn’t change this thing about me

There is a sadness that sinks in most of the time, at least the sadness made me aware. Now since the sadness has washed over me, a neutrality now sinks in.

Nothing feels the same anymore and I don’t know what feelings to attribute to most of my life now.

I feel as if an alien host has captured my body and seemingly forgot I existed. So, it took over my body and its trying to figure out what to do or how to go by everyday. It is perhaps trying to forget the original possessor of this body. I just feel like a body now.

My goals are a part of me but somewhere in between, I and them seem torn apart for now. I hope I get better.

I say everything is fine everyday and then continue 

I guess now that I have written down how I feel, I can read and realise the extent to which its serious and then call for help 

There are moments in time where both my brain and heart shut down from defeat or exhaustion 

That’s when one should know whatever pain or ordeal the body has to go through, it shall go through with it in peace because there is no mind or heart to break and no mind and heart to feel the bodily pain

The pain of the body becomes mundane and of routine

Every time, as I inch towards my phone to call for help, my brain convinces me it is going to pass away and it does, just to the next day.

It keeps repeating and I believe it.

Update: After a few seconds from posting this.

I think I might have made a mistake letting all this out because now I don’t feel relieved that I have shared this out. I guess I would I have preferred this to be kept in secrecy.

I lost my sleep

Its Roshni2 Comments

It is late night or more so the cusp of a new dawn 

I hear the sounds of the night and watch the streets remain empty 

I listen to the winds roll across the city 

I can see the strong waves of water and wind gush over the city 

Droplets of rain stay on the glasses of the windows tonight and I will bid them adieu soon

The blinds in my room rumble from the winds of the outside world 

The windows are shut yet their force can be felt in this small world of mine. 

I am left with a lot to think. 

In this night, what are we?

I listen to music that was meant for this night. 

I listen to the beats that make me question my destiny 

I listen to rhythms that challenge my beliefs 

I have the gift of watching the world from a magnitude and I use it best according to my capabilities 

I sometimes watch the people walk on the streets and try to wonder what their story in that precise moment is 

I look out to the windows of the other buildings that surround me and try to find a sign of humanity 

Whatever I have written now has stemmed from watching a movie “I lost my body” 

An emotionally gripping movie that takes us through a journey of destiny and pain

Taking risks, living through pain, deviating from the prewritten path of destiny. 

Watching movies helps me understand myself and the world

I watch movies to learn pieces of information that I think I may not learn from anywhere else

I watch them to understand and discover new realms of imagination and theories that I may never find in conversations with myself or the people around me 

I watch them to escape from time momentarily 

I pay attention to them so that I feel 

I watch them to understand because I believe that they make me special 

I love to possess a knowledge that pertains only to me and when sharing it, it makes me feel unique. 

As I listen to the soundtrack of ‘I lost my body’ I am struggling to find the ending to my thoughts now 

My mind can only think of the brilliancy of the movie but also of the night that I am passing through right now

As I listen to this music, I am lost in the moments and in the world of my own thoughts and that of the movie’s. 

Every step outside the hallway frightens me as I have no desire to meet anyone and would rather be writing this. 

Every step inching towards my door nerves me because I do not want to talk to anyone as I wish to be left alone during this time. 

Perhaps, I shouldn’t be trying hard to figure out how to end this. 

I do not feel the need to stress out the manner of words I want to put on this

Sometimes, the ending is better left just as it is, without over thinking.

I feel obliged to tell you more but whatever I will be writing would just be a rephrasal of my initial thought. 

So, allow me to slip into my world and my routine and let me wish you all a good night. 

I am right here, just away from your eyes. 

Its Roshni1 Comment

Today was a beautiful day.

The world spoke to me and the day invited me to seek and soak out the sun and everything it touched

“Get out!” it screamed and that’s what I did!

I have been living in Nottingham for quite some while and it was the first time I had heard of Night Lights- a celebration of lights and art! 

There were many events being held in different parts of the town! 

It was only very few times that one would come across this celebration! 

So, I took the chance and it gave me a reason to go out and explore! 

A reason to discover and to connect! 

An event that caught my attention was one organized by the Green’s Windmill and Science Centre! It offered visitors to view the night lights of the city from a height. My lust for the lights convinced me to go and feast

I did go to the windmill once with my father and we had to climb four flights of steep stairs to reach the top. 

Each step to the view that awaited was a step closer to my heart clenching. 

The reason for my heart to cry out in danger were because of the large gaps between each step.

My brain convinced me that I would slip through those gaps and break the bones or my body or my head

So, my father held my hand and helped me face my fear to climb them. 

I trusted my fears to leave me as soon I held my father’s hand who led the way. 

My fear subsided but never left.

Cutting back to the present, I forgot about those steps and went to see the light.

As soon as I entered the mill, my eyes fell upon those cruel spaces between those stairs. 

My fears came back and I almost decided to abandon my quest to see my love, but I took a brave step and started the ascent 

It was terrifying but my feet led the way and my heart dropped further and further. 

Upon reaching each level, I looked out those small windows and let my eyes gaze upon the skies and then stared with awe at the lights twinkling in the dusk

I couldn’t get enough from each floor and the desire to see more kept me going further and further upon the stairs 

It was terrifying with each step and when I looked down at my feet climbing them, my heart and my body shivered but the desire was stronger than ever. 

As, I finally reached the top, relief and accomplishment showered upon me

I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF! 

I for the first time successfully without anyone’s lending hand faced the daunting fear of these god forsaken stairs

However, my challenge did not end there.

I had to come back to the ground and climbing down somehow was much worse 

To see all the huge gaps at one go as you walk down was my doom 

I carefully took all the time the world offered and let my feet step down onto each step slowly as a tortoise. 

The rest was history but I reached the ground. 

I had completed the ascent! 

No matter how small the adventure or challenge is, once completed, nothing can ever amount to the greatness you feel!

One day, one adventure

Many more to go

To capture this state of euphoria, I wrote down my thoughts and I couldn’t be more serendipitous. 

Out of this day came a work of art that I am proud of.

Sometimes, I do it for the words and sometimes, I do it for the adventures. 

Today, I did it for both. 

By your side

Its Roshni4 Comments

This is my first time doing such a video! It is simple but I am proud of how it has turned out!

I wanted my thoughts to be experienced or to evoke a sense of vulnerability which is why I decided to make this!

It is a moment I felt that one needs to experience and by reading my thoughts amongst the nature, it felt calming!

So I would really love it if you guys would check it out and tell me what you guys think about it!

Thank you!!

Do go to YouTube to check it out!!

I am selfish

Its Roshni1 Comment

I am selfish

I am selfish when I wish for plans to be cancelled so I can have a day to myself.

I am selfish in wanting to do things alone, things that my friends like to do with me, but I am selfish and want to do it by myself.

I am selfish for craving momentary happiness and for wishing momentary sadness for people who bring me down.

I am selfish in wanting to keep everyone to myself but I am also selfish when I want to keep myself away when they need me.

I am selfish when I don’t to share my world with the others.

I am selfish for wanting so much when I don’t deserve half of it.

I am selfish for not speaking up about what matters the most to me because it hurts others when I don’t.

I am selfish for speaking my true mind that hurt others and myself.

I am selfish for going after I want and not thinking about the countless lives I am leaving behind

I am selfish for wanting to chase something that can bring destruction to my family.

I am selfish when I escape into a world of mine because I refuse to participate in acts that hurt myself and other people

I am selfish when I do not want to face conseuqences to my actions

I am selfish in wanting to dodge my problems

I am selfish when I think about bad sins I want to do

I am selfish for judging about people’s sacrifices that were unnecessary. I am selfish when I do not see the real motive or purpose.

I am selfish for not making enough sacrifices.

I am selfish when I fail to commit to my words even if I can sense that it will kill me.

I am selfish in every way in everyone’s hearts

I am selfish in every binary situation and in every contrast

I live upto everyone’s words and yet continue to be selfish

I try my best not to be but I end up being anyways.

Do I know what selfish is anymore or do I just need a word to end everything I want to say?