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Stranger

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Hey Stranger

I have all these people around me. These people who love me but I can never find myself to talk as openly as I would like. There is always a wall that will stand between them and me. I build this wall and refuse to climb over it or let anyone break it down. When times comes, I might let the right person break it down or I will.

I subconsciously always refrain myself from telling you all my truest feelings because I don’t want my stories to burden you or I don’t feel comfortable telling them to you no matter how much I love you. I don’t know what the problem is, all I know is that I am not comfortable with crossing that boundary.

I hate myself for that, but I also don’t. I don’t think I can remember ever having much open conversations where I have laid out all my true feelings. This does not mean I lie to you, I just haven’t laid out the full picture. I have only given you the icing, the information I think is necessary or the maximum I can give. The whole cake remains, and I don’t think I will let anyone take that entire bite.

When I try to tell you it all, something happens that makes me not tell you. These might be excuses my mind conjures up into tricking not to say to you, but I believe these excuses. I feel like I let you open up completely, but you don’t want to do it for me. Maybe this is just my mind. I don’t know.

If I ever want to explode and spill out all my secrets and the feelings I am harbouring, I think I can only do it with a stranger because they don’t know me. We both are going in with zero contextual knowledge of each other. So I will not be afraid of them judging me or having to worry about how I am burdening them because we might never see each other again after this.
We can talk and talk and promise to never meet each other again until the next time or perhaps move onto another stranger to avoid all the connection with the previous.

I guess I feel more at ease about talking my truest stories or feelings with strangers because, with the people I love, I don’t know how to. I guess I am afraid of thier thought process when speaking to me and maybe of the words they would use to reply back.

It’s too complicated. I value your love, maybe that’s why it hurts. I am afraid of things changing after I tell you about what keeps me up at night. I guess I am not sure if I want to let you in on all my vulnerabilities or my thoughts.

I can’t seem to place a finger on what it is that is keeping me from exploding my secrets to you.
Perhaps it has been in my family and nature not to reveal too much of ourselves out to the world because then that is how they will perceive us, through pity eyes. Perhaps it is the doubt of you taking advantage of my vulnerabilities.
It is never one reason. It is a whole multitude of them.

I have always made up these stories of spilling out everything, having these talks I have always wanted to have with someone. I am not sure if it will ever function in reality, considering I can’t even share the truest of my feelings with my family and best friends.

It sucks, it’s not their fault. It’s mine. I can’t seem to do it. It looks so easy, but it is so hard.

When you ask me how I have been, I give answers such as I am fine, which I actually am. It’s there will always be these buried stories and pain with me that I can never truly get out in the open. It’s just there continuing to live alongside my life.
So I keep all this inside me, and I just let it be because that is how I have done and I don’t know anything that could change it now.

So that’s why I talk to you stranger because you know me because you are me, but I can’t even be brutally honest with you too because that would crush us both.

So Readers, I place the burden on you and spill out my secrets to you because it is your concern now. I am not afraid of you because you have become my vessel upon which I can spill onto. You hold me.

You and the world are now my strangers. You will always be my strangers. I tell you a majority of the story but never the whole truth because that’s just how. I hide the truth in lines I know you will never be able to decipher because that’s just how.
So in a way, I tell the whole truth. Sometimes.

IKEA

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Going to IKEA felt oddly at home. It was surprisng on how a furniture retail company sparks such sheer amounts of happiness!

It was always the best outing with family and friends. When a member of the family suggests going to IKEA, damn oh damn! Our weekends are made!

It is like Christmas! One can just go to IKEA without a wallet and just spend hours over there walking and exploring the difference sections. We are the type to take our wallets with us because you never know. IKEA sure has tricks upon its sleeve to trap you and it sure is an efficient trap!

You know you love IKEA when from a mile, you see that big store logo and your heart starts to beat in excitement thinking of the wonderful day and the fun you are going to have! As you inch closer to that big store, you can’t wait to step your foot in and go crazy!

When you enter, you are greeted with the decor. It quickly sets you into a good mood!

IKEA is never empty. It amazes me on how it always packed regardless of the time or the day!

Exploring the different rooms IKEA had is the most favourite thing of all. Each layout and room rooms gave me different inspiration as to how my dream house would be.

I have always thought that living in IKEA would be the best dream to achieve. I have also made plans as to how I could achieve this.

Plan 1: Steal the invisible cloak from Harry Potter, use the invisble cloak, hide under the duvet and wait for everyone to leave and the store to shut down, then it’s time to party!

Plan 2: Hide under the duvet, wait for everyone to leave and the store to shut down, then it’s time to party!

Not much of variation in the plan, but it is still a plan!

Just imagine, if bored with your current room, you have the comfort of shifting from one room to an other! That’s the magic of IKEA! Offering you different styles and comfort all under a building.

What surprises me more is that all these different rooms are on one floor, just next to each other!

How I usually spend my time in IKEA

In the different rooms , I would go from the bedoom, to the bathroom and then to the kitchen taking notes of how I would incoporate such styles into my dream home. (Would only have the luxury of implementing it, only I were rich! SIGH )

Then in all the bedrooms, I would open the wardrobes and be in awe of how everything is so organized neatly and marvel upon the efficency of utilizng space and storage in such a tiny wardrobe.

I have also imagined situations. When guests come, I will impress them with the multittude of rooms I have to offer and they will gape upon it! I will lead them from one room to another. “This is my bedroom and now we walk into the kitchen.”

When I sit on the chairs in the living room, I imagine the type of conversations I would have with people, the books I would be reading sitting on this chair in this living space and watching TV!

I would stare at office spaces and book shelves and desperately wish, ” Damn, I wish I had that now or Damn, I wish I could have that!”

After careful exploration and fantasies, I then move onto other sections of IKEA, marvelling at all the toys, decor and crockery I would buy for my home!

The kitchen layouts are the most beautiful and desirable ones in IKEA! Oh how I would love for all those storage units! I imagine what I would put in each of those shelving units and how it would all be so efficent for my cooking! Those hard wood floors, marble countertops, the big kitchen counter where I would chop vegetables, prepare batter for cakes! I imagine it all!

I could just imagine me going full out like those chefs in movies, “Julie and Julia” “Chef”

Marble coloured crockery to go with the ambience of my kitchen! Such a beautiful dream!

This is honestly the dream!! Why can’t this be a thing?!

It is not only the interiors of the room that I like but different sections of IKEA, the furniture, the decoartions, the room designs, the toys, the plants! Everything you need for a home, it is all there!

IKEA, such a long walk! Following the directions on the floor, one room leading to another and so on. It’s a fantasy land! You never know what to expect!

Going to IKEA with the family is always a joy but fights do spring up when one cannot control one’s urges and wishes to buy everything the store offers. We go to IKEA planning to buy one item and emerge out of the store with that one item and many others.

Well one thing that IKEA is known for are its Swedish meatballs! Everyone goes crazy for them! I have always wanted to try it but never got around to do it. The restaraunt in IKEA is always super packed thus making it impossible for a non patient person like me to try their food.

I hate waiting but I always do get a hot dog from them! I feel hot dogs from stores like these are just better!

I took this picture in IKEA when I sprawled myself comfortably on the most softest and cosiest bed! I wanted to take this bed home and it was a struggle to get out of this bed!
I am not lying when I tell you, IKEA makes me happy!

I don’t think anyone ever has had a bad time in IKEA. I might be wrong but for a dysfunctional family like mine, we sure do have good times there!

Dear Emily Dickinson

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Dear Emily Dickinson, I come from lands and times where your desires come true. Women do get to vote, but we still don’t have it all. However, we are working towards making the world a place where women and men are equal in front of everyone’s eyes.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I come here to tell you that what your heart seeks does not make you strange. You were just born into the times where no one could ever understand your worth.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish I could have held your hands and tell you how great your words are. I wish I could have held your hands and comforted you.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I believe you, and I would have shared wonderful conversations about literary works. You would surely be surprised at the quality and amount of works that come from my times, and I could hear your thoughts on the works that existed in your times.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish I lived in your times because I would push you into publishing your words so that you could witness the world awing at your poetry.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish you would have taught me how to have a green thumb. You and I could spend infinite time in your conservatory, and I could say I have had the honour to watch Emily Dickinson in action getting inspired from nature.

Dear Emily Dickinson, I do not know if I have would been the companion you truly deserve, but I would have surely tried my best.

Dear Emily Dickinson, if this world’s techonology would have been made available to you, you would have been an internet sensation with your poetry. On Twitter, you would be considered a sage and a savage. On Instagram, you would gain millions of admirers for your poetry. In this world, you would be a known as a poet, what you always wanted.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish there were a way that I could tell you about the impact you have brought upon me and millions. I hope that this piece of admiration reaches you, wherever you are.

End of an year and the DECADE

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I feel nervous.

I am terrified of going into a new year but what terrifies me more is that I have lived through a decade.

I have learnt a lot of lessons for me to just list it all down but here are some of the lessons that would always stick with me.

L: Learn what your heart and mind seeks!

I: I love myself and those who love me. I can do it!

V/F: Venture into the unknown! / Fuck it!

E: Enjoy your life and eat!

I have a lot of stories in my life, some may not be interesting, some may shed a tear in my eyes and some make me happy. I have felt a lot through the stories of my life and I am glad to have. These stories taught me so much.

I won’t deny saying that I am scared. I am scared because it means I only have a few more years left and I am scared if I will ever set out to complete the rest of my adventures.

Some people say, “make life count”, “do it when you feel like it”, “there is only one life” but what if I don’t have the resources. What then? I guess I will have to let those adventures go. Not be a “negative nancy” sometimes life really be like that. Sometimes it’s all about that compromise.

To go on a more positive note, I can’t wait for the adventures I will be embarking upon.

A lot has happened and when looking back at those 10 years, I wonder if I have made it all count. As each year presented itself, did I set out to complete the wishes I wished?

I guess I have.

Speaking up.

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We desire to make change. We desire to make change for the world. We do change the world in some way or an other but to make a change that would impact us to the very core, we need something big.

Let us take our lives for example, we desire to make changes. Knowingly or unkowingly, we do make changes. For the good or for the bad, that is on us.

Just when I think, we are in a different time and an era where we are trying to progress for the good, the world and its leaders are just out there trying to break down the process of making humanity good.

All these crimes against everyone, we speak about it, we voice out our opinions, we do so much but is anything happening? Are their cold and inhumane hearts warming up to humanity?

Yes, things are happening! Moments of strength, bravery and courage has led us this far and has opened new doors to everyone but we still have a lot to go keep going for.

There are times when I think about the most henious and depressing state of our contries and about the crimes that have been taking place since a long time.

It makes you wonder if your voice is reaching out there. It makes you want to pause for a moment and wonder if this is going anywhere. Will anything happen? People have been doping it for ages and what difference is your voice going to make. Everyone has been trying, yet we all are stuck in the same boat just inches away from where we have left. We need to cross the whole ocean to reach at the place we desire.

At the same time, I am proud of us for speaking out and uniting against the wrong doings commited by people. When we speak out, we make the world aware of what is going on. By using our voices, we inform and let people know. We should continue to do so.

I admire those people who risk their lives to get the truth out. They are the brave ones out of the lot.

I know there will be times when we wonder if our actions lead us anywhere and sometimes the results won’t be flattering but that shouldn’t stop us because that is what those people want. The moment we give up, that’s when they win.

So let’s keep fighting till we see the change we want to see. Sometimes the fights stop and then a new fight starts. So let’s keep battling throughout our life but let’s also stop to take a breather once in a while.

Conversations with dad

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It started with a message. My dad messaged saying “Hello Guddu…”, and then I replied, saying “Hi, Daddy Betta” and then called him because he had woken up to the dawn. His body clock couldn’t bear being in bed for more than a minute he was intended to wake up at. That’s what he said, but I phrased it better. After all, I am my dad’s daughter, I do carry the genes of words in my blood.

We talked the usual, he asked me how I was doing, I asked him how he was doing and what he was up to today. Usually, conversations with my dad go short and brief. The same old conversation every time just with different words every day.

Today was different, it was one of those conversations I rarely have with my dad. I asked him how he found the book he finished reading, and he went into such a beautiful monologue about the book describing what he felt, the story, how the people in the story are and so much more.

The key moment I remember from this conversation is that he kept defining straightforward terms to me, which I clearly understood. He kept asking me if I knew what some of the words meant and I said “yes, dad, I did learn all these in school ” to which he said ” I don’t know, you rarely come up to me and talk about” This touched me to my very core. I was on the verge of tears, but I kept going. What he said was the truth, and it hurt.
My dad doesn’t know a lot about me, and it hurt him and myself. I don’t know a lot about my dad, either.

There was this invisible wall between my father and myself, and I didn’t know how to fix it. When my dad talks with my friends, he speaks so fondly of his memories and what he did, and that is one of the very few time I know about his life. I get jealous of my friends because they interact with a side of him that I never get to interact with much. Everything I know about his life comes from my mom or through conversations with my friends. I don’t remember having conversations with my dad about his college/school/past life much.

It upsets me because I want to know so much about my dad, but I just don’t know where or how to start. Whenever we talk, it’s usually about my degree or what I am going to do. After a while, it gets tiring having the same conversation with him about my future. I understand my father is concerned, but I want to talk about so much more, dad.

While he was telling what he loved about the novel, I told him whatever he said was very relatable as it was something I was studying now. We shared our ideas and notions about literature and the world, and it was such a pleasant conversation. When he was talking, I thought about how much of an amazing lecturer he would be. I would gladly sit in my dad’s classes and would be honoured to listen to him talk about books and the themes of it.

My dad and I have a good relationship. We joke with each other, he tells amazing poetry and puns but what I want more is to have deeper conversations other than where my future is going.

I love the moments we have shared. Our conversations and walks in Dubai and Singapore, having your first beer in a pub with me, dropping me off to Uni for the first time, cooking for me, teaching me how to cut tomatoes, dropping me everywhere I wanted, our Friday morning drives in Dubai, our scooter ride in Kerala, our bike ride in Dubai, your dune buggy accident in the dessert, having Pani Puri in the shops in Bur Dubai, us going to the DVD store to buy films to watch. I also love the songs that you listen to, you have good taste in music dad as for your movie taste in Bollywood, not so much…

I remember it all dad. I can’t wait for more moments and conversations with you.

I am growing up, and I have so little time with you. I do not want to have regrets. I want to know your side of the story, I want to know why you did certain things and why you didn’t. I want to know all about the what if’s and the but’s and the yes’s and the no’s. I might not understand why you had to do some of the things you did but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know anything about you. I want to know everything about you, Dad.

Daddy betta, I know you are reading this. I have a tough time speaking out how I feel, but through words, I can tell it all. Don’t be upset while reading this, okay.

I know it might be hard for you, I or us to start from somewhere but that does not mean we shouldn’t give it a try. I might get irritated and annoyed but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try. “I am the exact photocopy of you” as people say, so you know better how to deal with a mini you.

Some times when you pamper me a lot by speaking in a accent you usually talk with small children and babies, I do get annoyed but I do enjoy it as well. Don’t ever stop doing it despite my annoyance. I love it. Amma always says that “he does it because you are still a small child in front of him and don’t ever get annoyed at him for that”. I get it but I do also want you to see me as an adult as well.

Dad, I love you so much and thank you for working so hard for our family and me. You do so much, and I want you to know that your efforts will be rewarded and are never unnoticed. I do hope I make you proud, daddy betta. We have had our fights and arguments, but I love you no matter what dad. I do hope you know that.

I will always be your “Chunnu babba betta and how much ever nick names you want”!

Sad

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16th November 2019

I try to wake up out of the bed, but I can’t.

My mind does not work today and it has just taken on the role of making me feel miserable about every aspect of myself.

I am sad and I just want to be in my bed all day.

I want to move on from being sad but I do not want to.

I also want to be sad and just not want to relish in any other emotion today.

My heart wants to go out, do things that will make me feel anything but my body and face phsycially can’t move any of its muscles. It just stays there paralysed.

I am hungry but I do not want to eat. I watch the hours go by and decide when I want to eat, but I don’t.

I get myself out of bed because my bed no longer feels comfortable. I try my best to not prolonge this sadness, so I clean my room and attemp to clean myself in hopes that a change would improve my mood but it doesn’t.

I do not want to do anything.

My heart tells me to go and seek for companions, my heart tells me to go and seek for anything but this. My heart tugs on my strings tighly causing my chest to pain but I just sit here and do nothing. I take a deep breath and continue to do nothing.

I hope this passes away because I do not like feeling this way but for now, I do not mind this. Why do I want to feel this way now? I do not know. Perhaps there would be a lesson for me to learn.

This sadness, is this real? I do not know. I can’t figure out what mood I am in right now. I do not want to talk to people but I just wish someone would ask me “how are you?” or any question related and I could just answer “fine”. Just asking this question is enough for me. It would make me feel nice because I know someone atleast bothers to care about me.

Just for one day, I would like someone to focus on me and listen to everything I want to try and say. Just this one day, I would like to not go after you and instead would prefer you after or for me.

Am I choosing to feel this way so that my artistic drive has something to write about or am I geuninely sad? I do not know anymore. I am conflicted and I need help.

17th & 18th early morning, November 2019

Days are going by. I am still sad but not wholely. I am keeping myself occupied with things that matter most to me but I still am sad. I try so much to move on from what keeps me sad but I can’t.

My heart starts to physically ache, my chest at times starts to close in on me and I can’t breathe. I breathe in and out and I some how manage to get myself back on track.

My insecurities start to pile up one after the other reminding me of horrible facts and outcomes. I feel worthless and my constant fear of no one ever loving me comes to haunt me and makes me sad. My constant fear of being a failure comes to haunt me and makes me sad.

Everything that I think about makes me sad. Everyone around me makes me feel insecure.

I know why I am upset. I know why I am like this right now. I feel terrible that I let this reason affect me so much. I hate myself for it but there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to go through and deal with this hoping time would make it better and easy.

I look at the hours and wait to go to sleep but I do not want to. I can feel my eyes wanting to shut down but I try to be awake for just a few more hours so that I can sleep after exhausting myself of all thoughts.

Whenever I feel like I have made progress, I am just becoming worse. Perhaps being worse and then feeling better is what I need right now.

I scream inside to “please stop this” but no avail.

18th November Mid day, 2019

A new day yet the same old sadness.

I think I am getting better and slowly forgetting why I am sad. Who am I kidding? I guess I should fake it till I reach it.

I just hope it gets better.

For now, time does not seem to be working in my favour.

I shift back and forth between faces I show to my friends and family and then to myself. It has become tiring.

I do not know how to talk about this or who to talk to. I just am not good with this. Even if asked, I know I will not provide the full truth. So I guess, I should just keep this to myself and do my process of making it go away.

I want to cry because I know once I start crying with my heart and eyes, this sadness will start to leave bit by bit but the problem is I can’t bring myself to cry. I do not know how to cry or what to cry about. I do not know what trigger to use.

I know it will get better but when?

I am tired of waiting to feel better.

I am sad. I want to feel better now.