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4. No control

Followed from 3, The master continues to tell the story…

Dear Visitor, I do not know what you seek but over here you shall find no rhythm to a proper story but just a flow of lines that my mind wishes to let loose

I have no control over my hands or my mind

It as if I am strapped onto a seat locked away by a force, a pleasant one that knows what to do 

A force that I created and nurtured and now it only needs my hands and my mind to do the rest

I sit and write every drop that comes to my mind without stopping for once

Every new thought protrudes, and this force compels me to take it all down in one piece 

I know I have to write it because it is through this way, I let go 

It is this way how I unburden 

I wonder when I would stop to write this all down 

Will there ever be a day?

My hands have grown tired but my mind bustles

I wish to close my eyes for a while, but these thoughts refuse to close down 

How do I truly let it go because there is a limit to it all? 

I can’t keep doing this, but I like it because in some of these finest moments I believe comes out my finest creations


Are these those moments

Those moments where the artist is truly happy with what they put out

The work they poured their bleeding life into it 

The vision they believed that people would understand 

But when presented it’s not 

This is not what people want but you know it’s what you want and you still believe that there are people out there who will enjoy your creation because in that enjoyment there lies that satisfaction and happiness you seek 

So you go out and venture

You put yourself out there

Every raw passion and burning and tired breath into it

Desperate to find at least that one soul who would get it 

You go and try and try 

What happens if you don’t find those people

Do you stop? 

Have you failed? 

Do you need to try? 

Do you have to try? 

Do you give up or pursue until your very last breath believing someone will show up?

Do you die like this never receiving that satisfaction you ache for? 

Or do you like in that sadness you can never get yourself out of? 

Who are you doing it for? 

You! or you?…

This doesn’t stop here. It moves on…

3. The Master

Continued from 2. The Monologue…

I want to be that one who teaches you

I want to be that one who people learn about 

Do you not find it fascinating or tentative or is it just me? 

How to make you understand is beyond my limits 

If you were I, this would be so much easier but where does the fun in that lie?

 

How else will I teach you? 

How else will I be that one that stands out?

Am I the master of this? 

Have I changed the way as to how people look Future self? 

Are the pondering and wondering about these random lines and interpreting them just how I imagined them to be? 

Has my rhythmic flow of randomness changed something or put a spark in one mind or many? 

I want to be that writer where I do not have to fear of letting loose 
I want to let go in my words and lines and not have anyone edit or cut it out
I want to let loose in my words and capture every thought I have and pour it out on to this 

To be continued….

2. Monologue

Continuation from 1. The Prelude…


Now I want you to imagine

Can you do it for me?

Imagine that this is a prologue to something great or a prologue to an epic end

Create it however you like but I want you to make me the center in that space 

In that dim vast space, I will be the lead and you will be my audience listening to every word pouring out within me 

All I ask from you is to let me in those minds and hypnotize you into a fascination I want to create 

Let me do it and I will show how I feel it too 

Do you feel it too? 

I always imagined doing a prologue or a monologue like this in a dark space with lighting well enough so that I can see and it shows the light on me as well

I imagine doing it in a voice that carries many undertones to it 

The tunes of darkness, charm, seduction, innocence, inquisition and a voice that gets you so lost 

I want my voice while saying this to you to be so enchanting that I loose myself in my own voice and be a prey to it 

I want to feed on this voice and these words while I say it to you 

I want to consume it and be in that eternal state for as long I can try  

You try so hard to refute 

You try so hard not to give in but you know it always get it’s way at the end 

After that explosion you know you feel complete 

Do not be afraid if you find no pattern

I relish in these outbursts of random scattered thoughts 

I do not want you to pick up each of them, assimilate them and bring them together to tell a story

Don’t bother to find a pattern because let it be

Let it stay scrambled

Let it stay as the way as it is because that is what you are meant to do 

This is how I am 

No pattern but just a bunch of lines written down with no intention to ever stop

This is how I am 

I let these lines flow on to here so 

They scatter 

They are everywhere 

That is how it should be

That is how I want you to read

That is how you know me

Each line is a thought and story in itself, so fear not 

Do not let the force push you to finding a pattern or to desperately pick up the pieces to connect and to understand because that is not how I roll

I want you to live like me

I want you to know how it is

I want you to learn to flow 

To flow like these lines

Read and read 

Each line a new story or a recurring thought 

I want you to leave it to your own mind

Do not try to think of it as to how I created it 

Do not be like the rest of them who try to come up with these conspiracies and theories

Just be that person who lets go and lives in it rather than indulging and divulging in it for the sake of dissecting it up to find something 

Continued…

1. The Prelude



This is a series, each piece with its own title and different lines.
You can read or approach it any way you would, but my personal recommendation is to stick with it from the beginning until the very end. It helps with the exploration of the journey.
I hope you all stick till the very end and I would love to see how you feel about it.

Thank you and now you may begin the journey…

Do you feel it too?

Do you feel your urges pinning you down into submission

Do you feel you want to let that energy burst into a million fragments 

When watching a movie or listening to a song or reading a story, do you feel you are in it savoring every moment of it

Do you feel you are with the character by their side or just as an observer from far 

Do you feel that closeness take over you

Do you feel at times you want to be that character 

When watching those intimate scenes with your favorite actors, do you feel or do you wish it was you being with them by their side 

Or in a song or in a book, do you feel you want to live it too?

Do you create dreams and stories to feel everything you want to feel knowing it could never be achieved in reality

Do you feel that strong urge as I do pushing me to do things

Do you feel that you have always wanted to do a monologue

The ones where you sit and watch in the movies where the actor or the actress talks to you or the audience in front of them 

In that dim lit room and that one chair standing admist the space 

The one ray of light shows how vulnerable you are in that moment 

It shows how weak you have become or how strong you wish to be

It shows the front you finally had to face but it only shows it to you or probably it shows to those people who have a keen inquisitive eye 

I feel like being in those moments every day or at least once where I have that light shone upon me and out I reveal that monologue that will enchant you forever 

I imagine myself in a different avatar when I do it 

I imagine strange and new faces not the old ones I am so used to seeing

I want to present this to the people of the unknown 

This is how I want you to remember me 

I want to invent and create versions of myself in the times I am talking to you through this monologue

This is how I want to live 

This is how I create that impact I envisioned in my mind 

This is what I want you to be fascinated with…

To Be Continued…

Trying this new thing

Hey everyone, this is me Roshni and I am here to tell you that I am trying out this new thing I have written about. It’s quite a piece and I am approaching with it in a different manner.

Over the course of the next days, I will be posting that piece bit by bit and I hope some sort of effect might be achieved through this. I hope the effect that I crave for might get achieved and I would love to see your feedback and comments to it

I was inspired to write this piece, more so I felt I should write this piece after watching Ex-Machina. I did not write it immeidately after the movie, I just couldn’t get my slumber and then that happened.

Thank you for being there in this journey and thank you for your reads, follows and likes and I appreciate it so much.

Thank you all once again and I really hope you all like it.

Shatters and Breaks

I had written this down when I had to say goodbye to my best friend Raveena after my holidays ended. This happened around 2017. This was the last time we met each other before I left for UK and it hurts every single time when I leave her because she is such a special person in my life that I never want to let go…

She tried to not let it get to her, she tried to not let it tear her apart

One more cut on that fine piece of heart, and she would be done…

The other one reassured it would all be fine but deep down, she knew the course of time and events would always be different.

There would always be that pain lingering around in the air smirking on us and feeding on us wherever we would wind up. That pain was one of the common links between us…

It was never the end but just a semi colon in the journey that now took a turn to a different road, a road that was going to lead her into a different abyss 

She couldn’t help but not let her go, but she had to

She couldn’t help but watch her leave and wish for a few more minutes with her 

She was one of those treasures she always needed to have by her side.

She tuned it all out and did what she thought she was best at, she made a choice to throw herself into the world of words, a world she had a hold on and understood. It was deep, so deep but she knew what it meant or so she thought 

As she saw her through slip away from her through those doors, she couldn’t help but think, “ Why?” 

She turned back to her desperate addiction, her words and then flowed out every raw thing she felt and here is how it went… 

“ In that one last time, it was just us amongst the billions who stood 

It was just us and what we felt 

I try to capture every bit of her in my mind before she leaves our small world

Words were spoken and it hurt thinking this would be the last of it all

As I said the last word, I heard her voice amongst the crowd reassuring me

But I could hear the voice break 

In that break held the pain and the sadness we felt

I was a glass and so was she 

Then there was the hammer 

That flung upon us and shattered us into millions of tiny pieces

Scattered everywhere in ourselves

It was all there in me, but I never knew how to fix it all back 

Right now, I stand here staring at the people in front of me and I do not know what to think or do, So I slip off into the cracks of the world I have built for myself.

A protective shield engulfs me, and once in that field, one could see the specks of every feeling I had floating around. It all hurt 

But I am glad I held on to you and never let go 

You would always be my forever in a world of momentary…

It hurts to be human, doesn’t it?

Do you really want to do it?

Have you ever come across those tasks or jobs where at first when applying and getting into it, you were excited and so worked about it. All that energy and planning to give it your best shot, counting up to those days where you can finally start doing that task or job but then as soon as that day arrives, you find yourself backing out of it. You start to have second guesses, you begin to doubt yourself and feel worthless in yourself. You blame yourself for not being up to it and what not.

Why does that feeling emerge?

Our university is planning to do podcasts and they have topics that I am really interested and keen to do, I sogned up for it and everything and now there is a meeting to attend as to see how it all goes and now I am nervous and I wish to back out of it.

I have been having that feeling with some of the tasks that I have been recently doing and been wanting to do. With my internship, I just feel it’s endless. At the start, I was so hyped, excited and happy and now it just feels exhausting and I can’t wait for the day it gets over. It feels rewarding to help the students but somewhere I know this is not what I find myself doing in the future, helping students yes, but not in the traditional way these schools teach, in my own way. Through this, I learn more and more, so in a way, I am happy but then exhausted and nervous when the day arrives when I have to go to school and teach.

I remember when I applied, passed the interview and got into it, I was so sure and happy but now I question myself; “Is it too late to back out”, ” Do you really want to do this?” With all these overwhelming doubts and insecurities about myself and me thinking of being a quitter, this is the time where pep talk comes into play.

The only way I can keep going and not quit because of the nerves that I feel overtake me is by saying these thing over and over again, ” You are not a quitter, don’t quit, you are not that person, you can do it, it’s just a few more days, don’t make the world think you are a quitter, this is for the future, this is worth it.”

That pep talk then pushes me to do it, it helps a lot; but why do those feelings emerge in the first place forcing me to give the pep talk?

Is it because I do not want to work? Is it because this is not what my heart desires? Is it because of the thought of facing other people make me anxious and nervous? Is it because I am not happy? Maybe all of them are right.

So what to do in situations like these?

It differs from different people, each of their mind sets and aspirations are different. Here is what I do.

  1. I start by calming myself down and also make myself get excited and hyped for the opportunity i have been presented with. I make a list of pros as to how this would benefit me and with each opportunity, I am broadening my future and myself.
  2. Depending on the type of thing I am doing, a few weeks in, I get tired, irritaed and I wish for it to be over as soon as possible. I wouldn’t lie when I say, so many thoughts have crossed my mind of quitting the job I am doing right now, but I push myself not to give up and keep going on. I do not want to be a quitter. I do not want to quit because I am lazy and on the insane amount of hardwork I put into it. I want to push myself to do more because this is what life is. I want to have that sense of accomplishment and that feeling of pride when I complete it.
  3. I push myself more by saying it’s just a matter of few weeks and I can do it. I think about myself, my parent’s happiness and how proud they are of me which keeps me going.
  4. Just a few more to go… It’s all going to be worth it, if not; be glad you did it and you learnt something from it.

But if this isn’t making you happy or you don’t feel yourself comfortable doing it, do not be afraid to quit. At the end of the day, it’s you and your happiness that is at stake, not anyone else’s. You will find what makes you happy and what inspires you, just be patient for that journey and work hard.

So go with your gut instinct, think about it and choose what’s best for you!!

-Roshni Marath Jairaj