Category: Uncategorized

Sad

Its RoshniLeave a comment

16th November 2019

I try to wake up out of the bed, but I can’t.

My mind does not work today and it has just taken on the role of making me feel miserable about every aspect of myself.

I am sad and I just want to be in my bed all day.

I want to move on from being sad but I do not want to.

I also want to be sad and just not want to relish in any other emotion today.

My heart wants to go out, do things that will make me feel anything but my body and face phsycially can’t move any of its muscles. It just stays there paralysed.

I am hungry but I do not want to eat. I watch the hours go by and decide when I want to eat, but I don’t.

I get myself out of bed because my bed no longer feels comfortable. I try my best to not prolonge this sadness, so I clean my room and attemp to clean myself in hopes that a change would improve my mood but it doesn’t.

I do not want to do anything.

My heart tells me to go and seek for companions, my heart tells me to go and seek for anything but this. My heart tugs on my strings tighly causing my chest to pain but I just sit here and do nothing. I take a deep breath and continue to do nothing.

I hope this passes away because I do not like feeling this way but for now, I do not mind this. Why do I want to feel this way now? I do not know. Perhaps there would be a lesson for me to learn.

This sadness, is this real? I do not know. I can’t figure out what mood I am in right now. I do not want to talk to people but I just wish someone would ask me “how are you?” or any question related and I could just answer “fine”. Just asking this question is enough for me. It would make me feel nice because I know someone atleast bothers to care about me.

Just for one day, I would like someone to focus on me and listen to everything I want to try and say. Just this one day, I would like to not go after you and instead would prefer you after or for me.

Am I choosing to feel this way so that my artistic drive has something to write about or am I geuninely sad? I do not know anymore. I am conflicted and I need help.

17th & 18th early morning, November 2019

Days are going by. I am still sad but not wholely. I am keeping myself occupied with things that matter most to me but I still am sad. I try so much to move on from what keeps me sad but I can’t.

My heart starts to physically ache, my chest at times starts to close in on me and I can’t breathe. I breathe in and out and I some how manage to get myself back on track.

My insecurities start to pile up one after the other reminding me of horrible facts and outcomes. I feel worthless and my constant fear of no one ever loving me comes to haunt me and makes me sad. My constant fear of being a failure comes to haunt me and makes me sad.

Everything that I think about makes me sad. Everyone around me makes me feel insecure.

I know why I am upset. I know why I am like this right now. I feel terrible that I let this reason affect me so much. I hate myself for it but there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to go through and deal with this hoping time would make it better and easy.

I look at the hours and wait to go to sleep but I do not want to. I can feel my eyes wanting to shut down but I try to be awake for just a few more hours so that I can sleep after exhausting myself of all thoughts.

Whenever I feel like I have made progress, I am just becoming worse. Perhaps being worse and then feeling better is what I need right now.

I scream inside to “please stop this” but no avail.

18th November Mid day, 2019

A new day yet the same old sadness.

I think I am getting better and slowly forgetting why I am sad. Who am I kidding? I guess I should fake it till I reach it.

I just hope it gets better.

For now, time does not seem to be working in my favour.

I shift back and forth between faces I show to my friends and family and then to myself. It has become tiring.

I do not know how to talk about this or who to talk to. I just am not good with this. Even if asked, I know I will not provide the full truth. So I guess, I should just keep this to myself and do my process of making it go away.

I want to cry because I know once I start crying with my heart and eyes, this sadness will start to leave bit by bit but the problem is I can’t bring myself to cry. I do not know how to cry or what to cry about. I do not know what trigger to use.

I know it will get better but when?

I am tired of waiting to feel better.

I am sad. I want to feel better now.

Afraid, Scared and beyond

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We all have things that we are afraid and scared of. Synonyms of the same feeling but all carrying a minute difference.

Upon further research, I present to you the difference between these words.

” ‘Scared’ is an adjective used to indicate fear or anxiety. A scared person is nervous or frightened about something.

‘Afraid’ is used as an adjective too, and it literally means ‘filled with fear’.  So we might imagine a person so full of the feeling of fear that they cannot think about anything else.

To indicate a higher level of fear, the words ‘frightened’ or ‘terrified’ can be used.  While these are synonyms of ‘scared’ and ‘afraid’ they can be used to indicate a more sudden or reactive fear. “

This brings me to my next question. Can one experience all at the same time? I guess so because I know that I am juggling with all these adjectives at the same time.

Look at me go while I use all these synonyms

Scenario 1

I am scared about my future plans

I am afraid about putting my future plans into action and being afarid when things go awry. I am bold to step into the light but I am equally afraid and insecure about what I can do which brings me down.

I am terrified that I will not be able to achieve any of my dreams and goals.

I am frightened and terrified thinking of the possibility of where my life is going and when failed or if nothing goes according to plan, what do I do?

Scenario 2

I am scared thinking of the possibility of living a life after my family leaves me.

I am afraid of this thought duanting every aspect of my life. I am afraid of this truth.

I am terrified to ever live in this truth. I am terrfied of what will be of me after this horror.

I am frightened to live in a world without my family because I would be loosing my pillar of everything.

Scenario 3

I am scared of confronting or talking about my feelings to the others because of the inconvience I would put them in.

I am afraid when confronted. I am afraid to think of the ‘what if’ situations.

I am terrfied and hate myself because of the damage I do to myself and everyone around me.

I am frightened to let go of the people I love the most because of my inadequate behaviour to not be upfront or by hiding everything I feel.

Scenario 4

I am scared of loosing my friends.

I am afraid my friends or people who I wish to be friends with would not understand me or would leave me as soon as they discover something bad about me.

I am terrified and always think of reasons as to why my friends would leave me someday. The reason would always be me doing something. It could be the only rational explanation. It always is me.

I am frightened that this quality in me would render me alone for a very long time.

Scenario 5

I am scared of loosing my sense and style of writing

I am afraid of them being stripped away from me. I am afarid of loosing my touch with them.

I am terrfied of the thought of loosing them because when or if I do, who am I? What am I? What makes me different from everyone else? How else would I tell my stories and pour out my heart?

I am frightened that I will no longer be heard or seen. Once I am stripped away from my words, I fear that I won’t have an identity that makes me original.

I am frightened and terrified to loose my words because my words tell a lot about who I am. I am scared of loosing my uniqueness to a world filled with more mystery and uniquess.

I try very hard to not let the synonyms of terror haunt me but there are just some of those days that the strongest house you have built for yourself will fall apart.

The thing about a house is that you can also build it back up, stronger and sturdier. I should just make sure to not be crushed under the debris permanently.

Being Cozy

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I woke up to a good day! The skies were clear but now it’s a bit dark out. It’s moody, grey and comfortable; my cup of chai!

Started of the day talking to my mom, dad and grandparents. I had fun! They told me I glowed which made me happy. It was just one of those days where I woke up warm. I laughed along with them in certain memories, was embarssed to hear and be part of some memories but I enjoyed it!

There were moments of sadness in the conversation but today, I chose not to relish in any of that for a change.

I chose not to brood over current challenges and just be cozy today. I decided to read a book, watch a show, listen to some music and go out exploring with my best friend for food!

In many ways, it was turning out to be a “cozy” Saturday I wanted in a long time.

I then started to wonder how wonderful all our minds were, the reason being I remembered a very insiginfcant detail of my dream and I was just curious and amazed by how our minds remember those tiny moments or objects we just saw and then project them into our dreams.

Our mind is a labyrinth streaming many different things, each opening up to a new sense of wholeness or emptiness. A weird labyrinth designed and made for every one of us.

Each thought that I was creating and living it now was aligning up and I couldn’t be more at peace and calm. One thought leading to an other creating a sort of a perfect order in my mind. My system was finally understanding what it means to have your mind in order and learning that a small break from life can achieve wonders to your work.

Later after watching a few episodes, I had then gone to take a shower and came out fresh as the Kerala monsoons. I then opened the blinds and my heart was pleased and in love with the darkness outside my window. The golden lights from the houses illuminated and I saw everything. The green, the hills, the city. I saw it all and I was happy.

I was also happy and excited on the thought of going home. The thought of going back to be with my mom and dad kept me going. Many of the days, it was the sole reason that kept me going through.

I did not worry or overthink over simple things/matters close to the heart today. I treated my mind and heart to a shower which kept its promise in making their troubles go away.

For the first time in god knows how long, I experienced peace and warmth not by escaping into a world of mine but rather into this world I live in.

I want to have more days like these and I also want to know how I can stop doubting myself and be more confident in what I can do.

Today, I believe that I will be fine. I want to keep having that belief now and forever.

Last few seconds

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If only you had these last few seconds to live, what would you do?

I would try and make it count . I would try and see the world for as it was and remember this sight infront of me

Be it bad or good, I would like to make it memorable 

I would drain out all my thoughts and for once remain in the silence that these few seconds would give me before I pass on to an oblivion, an after life or perhaps the end. 

I would try and not cry over the time I wish I could have had

I would try and not cry over the possibilities of doing more with my life if given more time or with the time I was given

I would rather accept and believe that I have tried to live a great and happy life with its given take of sorrows

Maybe I would relinquish to the thoughts of what could have been 

Maybe I would go down the path of sorrows and misery 

Perhaps I would question the eternal Gods and spent my last few seconds arguing 

Or I would just slip into a memory so good that these last few seconds will help me live in them forever 

I do hope I take on an other life in a new beginning. I don’t want my mark to end so soon. 

I am afraid for my life to end. I want to keep living in this world perhaps as a different being the next time. 

I would never know how I would act until I would be placed in the apocalypse. I can come up with a mulitude of hypothesis but I wouldn’t know which one of it I would live out in my last few seconds.

Everything might turn out to be okay, I am not sure how I know or why I know.

I hope it will be okay.

Inspired by the movie Source Code 

Thank You

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Rather than fixating on things that are wrong with this world, with me or around me, I wanted to remember the things that make me thankful for the life I have. 

I wanted to remind myself there are many things to thank for, but I don’t do it enough. 

My Thank You To Everyone

Thank you to my family for pushing me to my dreams, for being the essential backbone to my life, for loving me, for doing so much more than I ask for!

Thank you to my mom and dad for every single thing you have done for me. Thank you for your sacrifices! Thank you for everything! Thank you for bringing me to this Earth so that I can live this good life!

Thank you grandmom and grandad for being the best, for helping my mom, dad and I so much! Thank you for your wonderful smiles and help! I miss you all very much!

Thank you to my Vellima, Resmy Swaminathan for being the pillar of strentgh to everybody! God bless your soul and I always know you are there for me and my family because the stars have never shined brighter! You will always live in all our hearts.

Thank you to my friends and my best friends for being there and for allowing me to be the real me. Thank you for sticking through, thank you for the memories, thank you for the fun times, thank you for the emotional everything! Thank you millions!

Thank you to the frenemies for doing what you did. I do not regard this in a bad sense, but I thank you because I have learnt more about myself through these experiences and if not for you, I perhaps would have stuck to my crooked ways and not realized why I hurt you. Thank you for teaching me about the different people in this world.

Thank you to those specific teachers who saw me for who I am, who supported me, who favoured me, who loved me, who taught me the best, and for being one of the reasons to the best school life I ever had.

Thank you to my school and my friends for making half of my school experience as fantastic as possible! Thank you for fun overnight camps, thank you for a visit to the parks where we could have fun, thank you for the morning assemblies, thank you for everything!

Thank you to my home for giving me the sanity to go through life. Thank you to the specific corners of my house where I can slip through to escape some of the wraths.

Thank you, Dubai and the streets for giving me my peace and calm.

Thank you, Kerala for your authenticity, language, emotions, songs, monsoon rains and greenery!

Thank you, Singapore, for helping me adjust to you and for trapping me in a lovely trance for you!

Thank you night drives for helping me build a support system to rely back to. Thank you for creating a path of nostalgia to keep me going!

Thank you Beaches, The Seas and The Oceans for giving me the depth and passion I need. Thank you skies for making my days a fantasy! Thank you rains and moody skies for motivating me in a weird way and for helping me remember my home.

Thank you to all the songs I listen to, thank you for being there and not going away. Thank you for being the support I needed. Thank you for your words. When no one else seems to understand, you are there.

Thank you movies and shows for helping me build a world where I can escape to! Thank you for enlightening me in all ways as possible!

Thank you writers, poets, novels and books for exisiting! Thank you for everything magical you have provided me with!

Thank you to life for helping me grab opportunities that help me advance towards progress!

Thank you to my mind for helping me think about the logics of the situation. Thank you to my mind for helping me realize many of the things my heart fails to capture.

Thank you to my heart for making me human. Thank you to my heart and soul for supplying me with emotions that elevate me to new and the unknown.

Thank you to my body for keeping me alive and for giving me the ability to do a lot!

Thank you, nature for your existence and for helping us live! Thank you for the beautiful and breathtaking sights you offer! Thank you for being there for us! I am in awe of your strength, and I will try my best to help you in whatever ways possible so all of us can keep you safe and healthy!

I Thank You God for helping me, my family, my friends and the world in whatever ways possible! Thank you to the universe and the Gods for being a hand in making my dreams come true!

I apologoize if I might have missed not thanking any of you for your help but I am in debt and thankful for your existence and everything you have done for me!

Thank you to the old times. Thank you for the present and I look forward to Thank You, The imminent future!

I want you.?

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Some song plays and I am reminded of you in some manner. We might not know each other well but I really want to get to know you and I wish I could be with you.

I wish I could spend time with you. I enjoy talking to you and I wish we could just talk more about so many different things.

I know I can live just fine and amazing without you in my life but if you were in my life, it would make me a bit happier.

There are a few things that I wish for sincerely in my life and I guess you are one of it.

I wish I knew what was going on in your mind when we talked. I wish I could figure out why you want to talk to me or why you just send me messages out of the blue.

There are times when I completely forget about your existence and then there are times when the world makes me remember everything about you.

I only know so little about you but I still wish we were together in some manner, as friends or maybe something more.

I don’t think this is a crush I have on you or an obsession. I am going to rule this out as an unwanted fantasy/desire that has unnecessarily cultivated in my mind.

I don’t like you but I think I do at some points. It is a conflict I have been trying to deal with but I am helpless. These sudden out of the blue moments make me question so much.

I don’t understand why I feel too much. I am confused by everything my mind feels for you. I am lost but I am fine.

I wish there was a way to end this. You started this harmless conversation, so why can you not end it by doing something? I guess I am to blame as well because I like to respond to you.

I hate feeling this way but I enjoy the giddiness and the hopes. My heart leaps in teenage giddiness and there is nothing I can do about it. I have been through this road once and I am not keen to be on this road again knowing the outcome.

I wish there was some sort of closure I could get. I do not mind the outcome of the closure, be it bad or good. I just want a closure and not this vast doubt plaguing me.

I am falling for you and there is nothing I can do about it.

I hope this helpless crush becomes obsolete

Why am I chasing after something that is not meant to be?

This is just a silly game isn’t it?

This is absolutely nothing and I should just stop.

If not you, someone else. This would keep going on until I hit some sort of end.

Dancing At Two Am

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As I was preparing to go to sleep, I decided to suddenly play some Hindi songs and let us say, I did not sleep for a very long time

I danced, pranced around my room imagining scenarios where I would get to perform these songs, weddings, parties and what not!

It was an amazing dance party! A party where my truest colours were lit around the entire room! I decided to let my best friend in on the secret and I sent her two videos of me just dancing and being my best!

After dancing to the fun songs, the romantic in me took over. Hindi romantic/sad songs for some reason have a strong grasp over my heart, the words, the rhtyhm, it makes sense. It makes you want to be in love and be in mutiple heart breaks just so you can imagine what it is like to go through those feelings in the song.

When I was a child, I asked my mom what these songs meant and she said they didn’t mean anything. They were just a bunch of words put randomly to create something for us to sing along. I trusted her blindly without question.

As I started to grow, I started to search for the answers to the questions myself. As I started to grow up, develop feelings and also understand the language more; I started to finally understand what everything meant.

What each moment of the song was trying to say and how I can possibly relate to it now or sometime in the future.

As I go back to listen to these songs, new feelings that were once not there are present as I listen to these old songs I once loved.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love and I beg to relate to it truly for at least once. With these songs, I am starting to understand and my heart wants more. The pain hits harder than ever before.

I guess that is what happens when you start to grow up and understand. You understand how complex and deep everything is rooted and once the wave hits, you sink in deeper.

The songs and movies that didn’t make sense suddenly make a whole lot of sense. Things I didn’t find once touching or meaningless now mean the whole world to me and are the most beautiful.

Why does everything mean different when you grow up and listen to it again? The meaning you thought back then was not what you think now.

When you close your eyes, concentre on nothing else but just the words and rhythm, you can slowly start to feel your heart clench, in pain or joy. I don’t know but what I feel now is pure truth and pain.

When my mother said that statement to me, did she really believe it and if she did, how did she even like the songs she liked back then if she believed they had no meaning. I bet she doesn’t remember that she told me this, but I remember every syllable as clear as day.

When those songs she liked played, why did she react if she believed they had no meaning? I guess she said that to stop the curious and annoying questions that I would ask her further.

Why am I doing this right now?

When small, many things don’t make sense and some do

When you start growing up, many things start to make sense and some still don’t do.

If any of you are interested, I will link down the songs I love to listen to that make me feel the most