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One Last Look

Friday 26th October 2018

It was time to leave again. It was a short visit for four days to home to resolve an issue.

Taking a break from uni and going back for that short time was just diffcilut because I was used to my routine and breaking it and leaving felt hard because I knew when I would return back to my routine, I would have a hard time adjusting to it again.

Life surely had it’s ways of working.

After those 4 short days, I was going back to university, a life that I was starting to love and enjoy. But right now, I couldn’t savour it because I was leaving my home, my past, my childhood, my memories, my nostalgia, my essence for good.

I was leaving this part of Dubai, Bur Dubai, My home for 18 years and moving into a new unkown tritory somewhere in Dubai, but not that I can call it home.

As I was getting ready to leave the flat, a few minutes before, I went around my small home and gazed and loooked at every nook and corner in every room. I remembered the 17 years of my life, the life that I spent in this building and neighbourhood.

Bitter sweet ones they were.

I smiled, but it was a sad one.

With my bags ready to go back, I stepped out and as soon as the doors shut, that was it. It was the end of an era.

I looked back, wished and dreamed that it was all a bad nightmare. A nightmare that I could wake up from but it just kept going on. It did not stop to comfort me, instead it just moved ahead.

As we got into the car, my mom held my hand. I looked at my building, the streets, the night lights, the shops, the roads and I kept looking back and I did not want to say goodbye. Not yet, probably not ever.

She couldn’t help but hold my hand tight and say that we will be back here for drives and visiting, but we both knew it would never be the same. I looked around the streets again, I was trying so hard to fit all of it into my brain at one go.

In that moment, I felt that living there my whole life wasn’t enough to capture everything. I needed more of it. I did not want to leave something so comforting and familar, it had it’s flaws and horrible times but it was home.

The home that was there for me throughout my life. It felt too hard to let go.

It felt as if I was slowly letting it all go, forcefully. Someone was taking it away and there was nothing I could do but simply watch as I let it slip through my hands.

It was hard to follow and understand what Robin said, but when I think about it.

It’s true. Sometimes things had to change and I should be greatful that I wasn’t leaving Dubai. I was moving into a new place with new beginnings. That is something to look forward to. More memories.

It was just that small part of my heart I had to say goodbye too. It hurts and breaks every single time, but in time it would be healed and fixed. It would still hurt to think about it but maybe, a bit less than before.

I thank you and love you so much home, for what you have done and taught me. I will always love and remember you.

You will always be a part of my eternity.

Going back to Airports have always been the worst part of going to Uni. I would like to put this in simple words as possible, IT SIMPLY JUST SUCKS. There is no easy way ever to make this process a less painful one.

I can never get used to it. I would like to say that someday I would hope to change that, but as i keep growing up and with time moving on so fast, it seems to get tougher every time.

Whilst on the way, I looked at the streets, the lights shined bright but not the type of bright that would make you happy and heart content. It was the type of light that made you remember all the special moments in your life. It was the type of light that remindes you why you fell in love with it the first place. It was the type of light that would make you not want to go back. It captures you and makes you want to see it every single day, for the rest of your life. It traps you in a trance. It’s magic that you never want to let go of.

As I was nearing the destination, I gave the old memory box a quick look and winded it. I replayed each one of those memories. It was nice but felt sad, every single time.

I would not go into the details of the airport check in process because I dislike it immensely but I would give you an insight on how it all went down when I had to say goodbye.

Every time I took a step to leave for the check in, I would go back to return for that one last hug. I did not cry but as soon as I gave that final goodbye, I walked and then came the tears. I did not let them see me cry because I woudln’t want them to cry too. I wanted them to see me happy and content. That’s the least I could give them for being the good parents they are, and I left to return back to my life here, at Nottingham.

So that was it

Those four days marked the end of an era

And on the last day, I had my one last look

Happy, Aesthetic and being Productive

I love to get into this zone pretty quick.

Lately I have been addicted to watching Youtubers again and watching them work and thier week in thier lives videos gets me inspired, productive and happy to do my own tasks.

It gets me into a better mood and I am instantly drawn to work hard and be productive. What is it about Youtubers and thier videos that makes you want to do that?

Also listenting to happy music, mostly old disney throwbacks and also songs from Musicals or songs that sound like the ones from Musicals.

It’s easy to get into that mood but also equally very quick to fall out of it. This mood itself is a vibe and a state of mind. Pure happiness arises from this for me.

So I have decided to call this mood, ” The Hap”

I get into The Hap by following some of these steps. Often I like to mix and match out of the lot. Sometimes, just doing one out of the bunch gets me going fine.

1. I get into this zone by first watching some good Youtube videos from my favourite channels.

Different days, different emotions, different channels serve different purposes.

Currently I am loving everything that Danielle Marie Carolan has been uploading. Her videos give me a sense of productvitiy, happiness and well aestehtcis which gets me hyped, interested, motivated and energized to do my work. On the top of my head, the youtubers who inspire me are Ruby Granger, Studywithjess and Kalyn Nicholson.

This also includes podcasts, they sort of set me into the mood that I wish to go into. Gals on the go is one of them also a podcast series by Kalyn Nicholson on I-tunes that I have started listenting to.

2. My hype songs are an instant mood blaster.

This usually comprises of old school music from my past. The nostalagisa energy songs and also the songs that give out those good vibes. It can take you into a totally differennt path or give you the enerhgy you need. It again depends on what mood you are in and what mood you want to see yourself in.

For starters here are some of the many songs that get me going.

Avicii: The Nights, Wake Me up
Frank Sinatra: New York theme, Fly me to the moon
Echsomith: Bright
Michael Buble: Haven’t met you yet
Old Cartoon, Disney and Nicklodeon Songs such as those from High School Musical, Hannah Montana and more
Ellie Goudling: Burn
Taylor Swift: We are never getting back together, Shake it off
Brigit Mendler: Ready or not
One Republic: Coutning Stars
The Wanted: Glad you came, Chasing the sun
Any song by One Direction
Panic at the disco: Hallelujah, I write sins not tragedies, Emperor’s new clothes, Miss Jackson
21 pilots: Stressed out
Fall out boy feat Demi Lavto: Irrestible
Jonas Brothers: Burning up
Olly Murs: Trouble maker
Owl city: Shooting star, good time
Carly Rae Jepsen: I really like you
Enrique Iglesias: Bailando the english version
Alvaro Soler: Sofia, El Mismo Sol, Libre
Monika Lewczuk: Ty I Ja ( In this song, it’s more of the video and it’s aestehtics.)

3. After the long productive hours of work, a break is always well desreved. So I sit and watch some of Youtube or a good comedy show on Netflix or I just watch cartoons because they just make me happy and ends up helping me loose up all the stress knots.

4. A small work out. It really does help, even if it’s walking for 20 minutes or a seven minute excercise. It helps your body just energize and fresh. That’s how it helps me. It motivates me to do more and I feel that I can conquer the world.

5. The weather also plays a role.

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Over here in Nottingham, it’s quite unpredictable but I can figure out most of the time. My essentials are a jacket, umbrella and gloves. You have no idea when it might get cold. So I usually prefer the days where it’s sunny and cold with a sligh grace of rain which infact did happen and resulted in a very beautiful rainbow that did cheer me soul mate.

Back in Dubai, I just used to walk out on the streets at the peak of sunset. It sure was a beautiful tranisiton from dusk to dawn. The beaches are also the perfect solution.

6. Walks usually also do the trick as well.

Maybe after a well desreved study session or before a study session, do hitch the roads. With some good music, you are good to go and it helps a lot. This mostly are the ways I would like to end my day with, but morning walks do also bring an instant glow up to the whole day.

I love walking during these two times of the day, one is the early morning, before the sun rise and the later is the one after the whole world falls asleep and I am there with my music all alone and the world being my stage, I am free to do whatever I wish and want. Peace, solace and comfort is what arises out of them and I couldn’t be more at home.

Driving at the nights is also one of the best remedies to ever exisit in this world. The feeling that you get out of it, it’s pure magic.

It’s just you, the music and the whole wide world.

7. Right now, the holidays seem to be coming.

November and then BAM December.

Tis the season to be jolly.

So the christmas music is what also gets me going!! Last Christmas by Wham has always been my jam when it comes to the holiday seasons. My productivity level also seems to increase during this time of the year.

Seeing the streets light up and the mornings bright up sure does whisk a sort of magic in the air and in me.

Why wait for 2019 to start of on your visions and ideals? Any time is the best to get into what you wish, want to be and want to do. It’s your hard work and dedication going in anyway, no matter what day, year and time it is.

So why not start now than later?

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

Thoughts in the sky

In the admits of the clouds flying and soaring high amongst different shades of colours. I see all possibilities of a happy time but none can comfort me at this moment.

Right now I am in a moment of nervousness and sadness. Even if it was coming to Dubai for 4 days for an urgent matter, it felt out of place.

I should be happy going back to home for at least a small time shouldn’t I, but then why am I not?

The night before the journey

I was afraid to sleep, so I drank a cup of coffee and I usually never drink coffee because I have always found a bitterness to it but now that was what I needed to stay awake throughout the night.

I spent the night watching 3 of my favorite movies and eating snacks.

I took a puff to calm myself down, and it helped for a bit but then I fell back to the same old system again

It took me some time to adjust myself to the routine I made for myself. I was interested to go for my classes this year because I got to choose the modules I wished and wanted.

I was interested because I got into a good volunteering program and it upsets me to know that I won’t be there for the first meeting of the project.

I did not want to leave the life and my friends just for four days that would disrupt my whole life pattern.

I was trying to be happy, going back to my mom, that’s one bonus I am acquiring and her home made food, but I still am not calm about it. I also had the chance to meet two of my best friends after a long time and I got to admit, this was the best highlight.

And I know once I reach, I will find it hard to come back to Uni because that’s just me.

Once I land Dubai, I know it’s going to take everything in me not to fall apart and wish to stay there for as long as possible. I would wish and pray for those 4 days not to end and on the day of departure, I would be a wreck and I need to start adjusting myself again.

This is the process that I hate and absolutely despise.

But I find myself ready to come back to Uni, I am preparing myself.

Not to cry, not to fall apart. That’s the power of home, once you even take a step into it, you are gravitated right into the center and it would take all your wits and mights to break free from the force.

The moment the plane landed in Dubai

I knew the timer started to set for my return to UK and that’s the hardest part but now I am calm with it

Listening to some good songs helped me out and whilst I am here I am going to try and not focus on that

Uni ain’t that bad and I am finding it really lit and happy this year, and I can finally call it home because of the place and the people who made it special but, there will always be that but.

The day to leave

A few hours left to go.

I am feeling alright, not great but exisiting and being alright.

I am excited to get back to the routine that I have made for myself. I am eager to study, be with my friends, make notes, be in my room and have my alone time.

At the moment, an overwhelming surge of sadness and heart break has taken over me. Leaving my mom and Dubai never became easier.

But this is all for the best.

What we go through now, it’s all helping us prepare for a greater change and life. All these emotions, feelings and changes are my lessons. I am trying real hard to be the type of student who learns from it and use it at some point in life. Or just learn and deal with it for the fun of doing it.

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

Changes

This phrase, everything happens for the best and Change is good. I do not know what to make of it.

What is the protocol here? What is expected of me?

Changes simply kept happening everywhere and I slowly felt myself loosing my grasp on the world I lived in.

Incident that took place at August 2018

There was this small yogurt place down in box park, Jumeirah. The last time I had been there was with my family and grandparents. It was a beautiful time indeed.

I wished to go back there again because of box park and that small place amidst the fancy shops, big ship containers designs beautifully and when the night sets in, beautiful lights surround and create the most magical and beautiful vibe.

My cousins had come to Dubai and we took them around La Mer and box park. It was Dubai’s highlight. Everything about this place had a certain aura and magic to it. Growing up around these streets and witnessing the changes around was one of a kind experience.

So coming back to the yogurt place, to mark the end of my day with my cousins, I wished to go there and have a frozen yogurt, It was always a tradition, whenever we would go there, we would always have that frozen yogurt. Big enough for a family because we weren’t that much of a sweet tooth when it came to things like these but for other desserts, yes.

So, in the hopes and excitement of getting a yogurt, I was filled with emotions and when we reached there, we were unable to find it. I still did not lose hope but it all came crashing down when the security guard over there told us that that place closed down months ago.

At that very moment, my heart dropped into the deepest pit of my body, then it broke into small pieces and was scattered all over into the depths of that pit. It felt as if going into a black void and with no way out to see the surface ever again.

That change, why was that change for the best or for the good? That change was bad. Businesses shutting down, people losing jobs, this country was becoming so costly to live in. The old Dubai essence whizzed away. This was not the Dubai I once grew up in. Certain parts of it still remain the same, but still. Why did that change happen? What good was it?

My home, changed so much and I love it to the best. Leaving it is always was the hard part. When I had to leave my home for uni, that change. It was nice at first but then it took for a worse turn when I got homesick and cried every day. How was that change good or for the best? Probably it was for the best because I was getting a good education and making my life ready.

But what good were the changes at my home? They weren’t great, no one was happy.

“People are always telling you that change is a good thing. But all they’re really saying is that something you didn’t want to happen at all… has happened.”

-A quote from the movie you’ve got mail.

A quote so true.

Right now

Change is the only thing that seems to be one of the constants in my life right now. Starting with family, the most fundamental root, I wish I could say everything is for the best and continue to keep the positive facade, but some times it’s not and it worries me sick about the present and the future.

I worry about changes a lot. I look forward to the good changes in life, don’t we all?

I still can’t place my feelings on how I feel about change. For the worst or for the best? Is change life’s way of spicing up our’s and it’s lives. Is change a living entitiy that is in all our lives and can only thrive like this in every movement of time?

I also find myself changing a bit, it might be a silly or an insigficant change, but it does matter to me. When it comes to us, every single detail matters. It’s like a spider web, you mess with one string, the whole foundation just falls apart.

I had this habit, whenever I missed my mother, I used to play old malaylam songs because it reminded me of her and when she used to sign and hum to the tunes. It was embedded in me since I was a child. And intially when I came to uni, crying my heart out to it was what I did. I always knew what I was getting myself into when the songs came, long hours of crying and pain.

But now, as I play these songs, I do feel myself drown in the sorrow and pain of my mom not being there with me. The pain of being miles apart resurfaces but I once have not cried to it ever since I got back from my vacations. All of you might find this as a small change, but like I said, even the tiniest of change is a huge deal

I also find people changing, for some profounding reason for the good but then there are the basket cases where I have lost hope in.

So far, it has all been good. I am meeting new and amazing people.

As time gets ticking, my future keeps changing as well, every day has it’s own changes. I am anxious but also excited to see what the future has in store for me.

I am happy with some of the changes so far, exciting changes and moments have been happening for one of my best friend and I couldn’t be more happier and proud of her because she has worked so hard and she desreves it. I am happy with some of the changes that have also been happening to me. Through bad times I have learnt in some good lessons and changes.

And just a few minutes back, I have been blessed with the most amazing news for my family. I am not saying anything out loud because I do not want to jinx or anyone to jinx it because there are some people in the world who really would go to all lengths on destroying one’s family and peace of mind.

It’s time to end, and here is how I think I am doing

So, I am getting around just fine despite the storm…

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

In my head

I have these pictures and depictions in my head on how different sceanrios could take place.

Some of them are confrontations.

Part 1

I am not entirely good at confrontations or voicing out something that really bothers me. For half of the time, I ignore it and for the other half of the time, I devise plans on how I could get rid of them or do a mental confronation in my mind.

Not only confrontations, but also pointing out things that people do wrong to me and to people who do it.

Mostly I have been quiet in some of the situations and in others, I do speak out what I feel and think when I feel that I cannot bear it or when I come to a breaking point, or when it affects others.

With some people, it’s not worth it and it is pointless

With some people, it’s hard

With some people, I just go with it

I tend to think about what the others would feel when I would speak out my mind against them. At times, I simply can’t muster up the courage to do so. I am scared and afraid.

So what I do instead is I imagine how it would all go down in my head. In my head, I realese the fury and the rage that I contain. I go to the extreme. That’s what happens when you keep it all in.

This thing that I am doing, I know it’s not healthy and I should speak up. But I feel that for most of the times, my argument and the situation that I am in is simply pointless and not worth a confrontation. It’s petty and silly. In no way, shape or manner, does my self get destroyed but yes, I do obsessively think about it but also I feel that it’s not worth the fight and the argument.

I really need less of that because my whole life has been filled with impending doom and sadness of the past.

But for the ones that I know and feel would take a serious toll on me, I confront it. This would cause certain friendships to break, families to fight or cause a rift. But at the end, removing the toxic effects are worth it.

I not only have confrontations with the world but also with myself. I confront every aspect, every mistake, every thought, feeling and action. I obsess too much on those thoughts at the night and it keeps me awake for a long time. So, I put myself to sleep by either loosening myself into a world of fantasy that goes on in my head or I slowly succumb to the countless damaging thoughts.

But in my head, confrontations do have it’s appealing yet damaging aspect.

This world of mine is a beautiful treasure kept in hiding.

Enrooted in me.

Part 2

In my head, is a place that I can control every factor, starting with the environment, the person and how I can let it move on. That is one of the most splended and beautiful part about our minds and our imagination. We are the sole owners of something so powerful and delicate. That creative process is the most wonderful aspect and immersing into it is a whole other level of high and addiction. Inside my head is a favourite place to be.

One sets out to create a puzzle, falls deeper into the complexity and into the endless void. It really is a wonderful feeling with break taking moments.

I wish I could be trapped in that space forever. Locking myself in my own stories. Living through the creations and of my mind. Locking my memory of ever creating this world, so that I have no recollection of what’s going to happen, but my world knows. I might make choices that would alter the creation of my story, but for a fact, I know that I will enjoy it and know what to do. I want it the easy and the hard way. I want my choices to be given it to me the easy way but I also want that challenge and pain. It’s a habit that I learnt from my life here in the real world, a habit that reality taught me. I have thought through it all, but I feel that it still lacks a flare, a flare that I can’t pin point to.

I have designed my world accordingly to every desire, dream, challenge, pain, hurdle and also some deaths balanced with the proper mixage of my dark thoughts. I have created multiple worlds, story lines, choices and characters that fit and suit my story. I can jump from one story to an other. My worlds consisit of the ones that I read in books, watch everywhere, listen to and want to experience.

My hidden desires and wishes have always been in me and I have always had the chance to go and do something about it in my world.

It is a world that is so beautiful and extraordinary. A world where all dreams come true. A world to escape into. A world that will always be in the works of making and accomdoating to myself and the changes. A world that would forever change the way on how one lives their life.

It’s a hopeful world, too beautiful and perfect to ever become a reality.

“It would forever become a world that will only cease to exisit in my mind.”

It was probably meant to be that way since the beginning.

If not, this world would not have existed and I wouldn’t have had the chance to enjoy every minute of my creation.

The continuation of a new chapter

30th September 2018

The feelings of a teenage adult kid who began her year 2 at uni…

Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning to the continuation in my journey. A journey that began long ago but is going by in a flash. A journey that I thought would go slow but took upon the pace and moved so fast that I forgot how I lived through that one year.

It felt like a long time ago.

Tomorrow starts a brand new year, my second year towards my degree. The year where ” my marks” begin to count. The one good final year before the next year.

Forget about the new year, new me, new resolutions. This is the time to start acting upon it. Why wait for a few months, for that new year. Just start doing it. That’s what I am doing because life doesn’t wait that long for you to act upon it. So we better start owning up as soon as we can because it’s for the better and in the long run, it’s worth it.

I don’t know what to feel for this new year, I am overwhelmed, anxious and excited. I am starting to focus on doing more things for myself and also for the future because sometimes it’s too late to realise that all the time you could have done doing something, you did nothing and sometimes well it’s never too late to start something new.

I am somewhere in between that state of mind, though I am trying as hard as I can to lean towards the first situation, doing things at the right time and not wasting as much time I did before.

Things are starting to get real. I always knew that, but in the first year, it was a trial and error year for me. I tried, I learnt, and well that was it. Now things are getting very real and a bit serious. Not a bit, very serious. I need to start giving that extra dose of reality to myself.

I have always admired and always liked to inhabit some characteristics of Riley. She was happy, positive and thought of the world as a good place and also the people in it. She refused to see the bad, I believe. She didn’t exactly ignore it, but well she was different in the way she thought, and I found that to be a bit not me and realistic. She also had her upsetting and dark moments, don’t we all?

I wanted to be like that but then what good would do that to me? Why build that shield that would let you refuse the bad in the world? What good would it really do? We need to know and learn that bad exists in this world. How else would we prepare for that? How else can we survive in this world? Why hide that part of reality and life? We need to understand and learn that there are bad and good people. We can’t expect the people to play the role and character that we envisioned in our mind for them.

I believe in horoscopes and astrology a lot. At the time of my birth, an astrologer had written some predictions, visions based on my stars and time I was born. So far everything had come true in that. Good and bad. It says that in my future, I would be successful in my field of profession and passion, and I do hope that comes true. But I know it won’t happen in a stroke of luck, it takes time and hard work to make that happen.

We can’t expect the world to hand us what we want. We need to work hard for it. There are chances and possibilites out there for us to grab and hold on to, we need to sure we make use of it and not let it float by like an aimless balloon in the deep blue wide sky. There is no easy way out. I have a goal and a vision in my mind, and I want to see it happen. My fate may be destined, but how would it work without me taking any action?

That’s what I am doing now in my year 2. Doing as much as possible for my vision and goal.

I have seen my past, and it’s struggles. It taught me a lot, and I learned. I am not saying that my future won’t have its struggles. It will, but I won’t make the same mistake as what the people in my past did.

I won’t stress myself too much over it. I have the right amount of stress to help me because stress always helps me do better and to work hard. I have my own equation to doing life, and I am not a fan of anyone messing it up. When change is necessary and essential to that equation, I will do it. I wouldn’t want to force things to happen, but sometimes I do, and that’s when I learn more on life and discover what I like and don’t like.

Many things are changing. In a matter of time, I will be done with university, and it won’t be long before I am an adult with my own life and responsibilities.

I want to thank you life and everyone in it, I have learnt a lot, especially from that of mistakes of myself, family and friends. I am learning how to do with it all.

The past, present and the ability to create the future are all in us. In ourselves contain the ability to change, crave and make that path.

So that’s what I am doing now. Reading, Studying, Learning, Changing and Trying.

The Goodbye.

Thursday 27th September, 5:53 PM

It has been quite a while since I have written and now couldn’t be a more better time to write what I feel and am going through. The only way I could express myself when I can’t express with others are through words and sentences. Words understand you and they are there to help and heal you through this. I hope I could get alright.

So the reason as to why I couldn’t write in these few days was because of shifting and well university. My parents had come along with me back to Nottingham to help shift and arrange my room and well just be there for me.

Those 9 days that were there, those 9 days I spent with them, in a matter of 9 seconds, it flew by right away and here we are, in the toughest spot, The Goodbye.

Since the moment the dawn made it’s entrance today, I became glum, sad, nervous and sad again. I cried. I wept, I hugged my mother and did not want her to leave, then we cried. They haven’t left yet, they will leave as a new dawn arises tomorrow, at 1 AM.

Why are goodbyes the hardest? How come it never gets any easier? Every single time, as I went through, it never became easier. It became harder instead. As months and time passed by, I knew one thing for sure. Things would never remian the same and one day, I would be living without them in this world, and that thought ruined and broke me.

I asked my friend the same question and he couldn’t get it more right. In his words,” It’s the bond. The connection. Deeper the bond, harder the goodbyes”

As I write now, tears fill my eyes and vision. Small drops roll down my face and I can’t help but break down both internally and externally.

As the ticking hand of the clock moves, a crack starts to form in my heart, mind and soul. Each agonizing minute passes, the hole gets bigger and deeper.

I have this feeling in my heart, a burning feeling. Not the ones that make you feel good but the one that aches and really burns you. That feeling comprises of nervouseness, anxiousness, scaredness, sadness and well burning sensation. I often get it, sometimes in the middle of no where for no reason and some times getting that feeling in situations is valid.

Right now, I have that feeling and it’s getting too much for me to handle. I can’t breathe. I don’t know.

It’s 11:02 pm and barely a few hours for them to leave.

Starting to feel like a count down to the water works.

Right now, as I see my mom and dad rest their tired selves on my bed, I can’t help but my heart breaks with sadness as it dawns upon the reliaziation that they are leaving and I can’t physically be with them until my break. They have done so much for me when they came here, and it makes me sad. Seeing them tired is heart breaking.

I have heard all the talks, they will be in your heart, you can talk to them any time of the day but it’s different. I want to be with them in the same place, same area, at my home.

I try to distract myself by watching my favourite shows, by listening to my favourite songs. It works but only for that time being, when it ends, what am I supposed to do?

I am the kind of person that genuinely wants to be left alone when I am upset, sad and angry and also when I want to be alone. I deeply appreciate it when my friends try to distract me by taking me out, having fun and keeping my mind off things but the more they do it, the more difficult it becomes for me to deal with it. At times it really helps and I am glad it did but in the rest of the many times, it hasn’t. I would like to try but forcing is just going to make it worse. I have my own way of deailing with it and it won’t or it doesn’t seem like the best way but it works. I need that time alone to be sad, angry and upset. It helps me.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with what life presents, I am not saying that what I do is the best way, but it helps, but at times it hurts other people seeing me like this and it hurts them because they don’t know how they can help me out. So what am I supposed to do? I would want to be left alone, but also when there is company, I do sometimes forget the troubles life offers. I guess it’s all with the flow.

At 1:00 AM

It was time for them to leave, half an hour left. I did not have any tears to spare, so I bid farewell and a goodbye to my mom and dad with a small forced smile on my face. As they boarded the cab, I expected myself to cry but to my surprise I didn’t. When I returned back to my room, I felt an instant nostalgaia hit with waves of sadness becuse a few moments before, I was here with my mom and dad. So this goodbye was a good one and a better one. It was a better goodbye probably because I cried it all out earlier, maybe that’s the technique I am going to adopt now.

At 2:34 AM

I am in the comfort of my bed and room. I guess I am calm and not as upset as I hoped to be. Is that a good thing or will it hit me later? I made myself a cup of tea, it was my first tea and it was a success!! I couldn’t be more happier and proud of myself. The tea calmed me down along whilst I watched Victorious on Netflix. I also had a nice chit chat with one of my room mates. It was nice.

I also talked to my parents and well we didn’t seem much upset. It was good. For once, it felt nice not to cry.

And now as the final conclusion, I think I might watch a movie or I might finally sit and complete this post, but I wouldn’t want to force myself to complete this because forced things often never result with the most authentic and close heart felt piece.

It was a good end to a pretty sad day. Ends like these are good and I do hope to seek more.

The Goodbye part 2, To be continued…

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Incident that took place at August 2018

Right now

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