I like 500 Days Of Summer :)

It is a rainy day outside. Living in a small condo sure has its perks. We have a balcony out with a wooden table and few chairs around. I like to sit around when it’s cool, enjoy the weather, hear the birds chirp and just look out and write.

There only exist some days where moments like these can be remembered and can be thought about again and it is through words of mine. Through these sentences, I can remember to pause and take a break and see what’s present.

The windows were left open to let in the heavy wind that came from the rain. It was around 10 am when the aroma of grated coconut filled the living room. It acted as a blissful background to the movie set I wanted to watch. The wind from the rain also gave me company while I watched 500 days of Summer.

I have always only known about the ending of 500 days of summer and I had only watched somewhat of it before. Today I sat down and watched the whole thing. It is beautiful.

The narrator tells us from the start that this is not a love story. We all know what we can expect now. We see the journey of love or so called love of Tom and Summer. We see how the expectations of love can sometimes lead us to chasing the wrong thing or being in awe of something that is not meant to be.

This movie is a perfect example to teach us that love is not perfect and sometimes doesn’t exisit like the way in movies. It shows how the ideas of this fantasy love does not exist and we should ackowledge it.

The movie is out of sequence. Tom’s story with Summer is shown in 500 days and the viewing of the story in these days are not in order. It is a nonlinear narrative.

I like that each date of their time together is presented in a title card showing which of the 500 days it is. It was interesting to see fragments of their relationship shown from different days of their relationship. One showing how the relationship was and one showing what had become of it.

The cinemaphotgraphy of the movie was simple yet had so much of meaning to it. It is the simple thing that carries the most impact.

What I loved most of the movie were the side by side comparions it often had. The side by side scenes showed Expectations/Reality, Tom/Summer and when asked about love, it showed what each character said but Tom wanted to answer but couldn’t. He didn’t know how.

The expectations show the brighter happier side of life. What we wish we wanted. The reality is much harsher, sometimes not giving us what our heart desires the most.

I also am in love with the cinematography of this movie, the ending of that scene above.

As he walks into the road and then stops with all hope lost, everything turns black and white, everything erases around him and then he fades away. That scene is just moving and very symbolic. I feel that it depicts what it feels like to loose something very important to you and then shows what it does to you. Everything in the world vanishes and there is nothing left to do but just stay in that.

These are the type of visuals I like to see. It is done so beautifully yet very heartbreaking to watch.

This movie executes the idea that time changes perspective flawlessly. Summer is a girl who does not belive in the idea of love, fate and coincidence but as time goes by and with the right person, she believes it all and as for Tom, he learns the untold version of Love that movies, music and stories kept away from him through his relationship with Summer.

Tom falls in with the idea of this superficial love. He projects these fantasies onto Summer and is dissapointed when she does not live up to it. He does not fall in love with her but rather falls in love with the feeling of love. He fails to understand and get to know her on a deeper level and he learns from that. I am happy to see him learn.

Summer does tell him from the start that she is not looking for a serious relationship but he fails to accept the reality which led to his downfall. I also do blame Summer a bit for leading him on even after the break up. They both were at fault and that is what this movie shows. It does not fail to show the uglier side of love.

Despite his failed relationship with Summer, the ending is what gives him and all of us hope. Even though love gives us pain and heartbreak there is always a second chance of having love. You learn from the past and understand.

Rachel, Tom’s little sister is such a great addition in the movie. Despite being so young, she is the one with the most brilliant advice for Tom and I learnt something good from her.

After his break up with Summer, he choses to mope in his sadness and can only think of ways to get back with her. Rachel tells him that he might have only been looking at the good aspects of the relationship and that is what keeps him going back to her. She tells him that next time when thinking about their time together, she tells him to look again. I like what this means.

Sometimes when friendships or love fails, we only think about the good times and it draws us back to them. Many a times we tend to not see the bad stuff. My take on this is that we should look at the whole perspective rather than being selective with our memories. What has happened has happened. There is no use in moping around it. You can move on, learn from the past, be glad it happened and be glad it got over if it only did bad to you.

Like Tom, I still believe in fate and destiny. Now days, not in the grand way like how the movies show but I do still keep my faith in it. Some where out there, I would like to believe there is love waiting for me.

Just when you think there is no such thing as coincidence and destiny, the ending proves you wrong. I suggest you watch the movie to find out. It’s a beautiful coincidence to show that faith and destiny do exist. It could be a bit unrealistic but still, my heart always liked to see the unimaginable happen.

You can still have a chance to have your second story. Just because one story ends doesn’t mean there is a new one not waiting for you.

Choosing these choices

So I have been playing this game “Life Is Strange.” It’s a choice based game where each and every choice that you choose would affect the past, present and the future of the story and that of the characters as well.

I am not avid gamer but with games like these, I love to take my time and explore. I had also played two choice based games prior to those and those are Batman The Enemy Within and Game Of Thrones Tell Tale series.

I remember when playing Game Of Thrones, I felt so much of fury and rage when I witnessed the consequences of some of the choices. I did everything good, wise and I felt it benefitted everyone but as Game Of Thrones has the reputation of being traumatic, I should have seen it coming, but going through it on my own hurts a bit more.

When you make these choices, you feel more responsible because if things go awry, it’s your fault and there is nothing you can do but face the wrath.

This made me think about my life and the choices I am presented with. One choice can lead up to a consequence or a good outcome. Could you imagine if our lives were as brutal as these games? Someone’s life depending on our choice. If it goes side ways, the final ultimum is almost like death or something worse.

Life Is Strange is the game that invoked some serious thinking. It’s a game where you have the ability to use time to your advantage to change the past, present and the future. That power does come with a consequence tho.

Imagine having that type of power and using it to your own will. The things I could do and if I were given two or more choices, how would I choose? It’s a very tough scenario, but imagaine if someone had to choose it for you and you could do nothing but go with it.

What if we could look into the future with choices we have made and then go back and change some of the choices if we do not like it?

What if we try different choices and see where it takes our life to, if we don’t like it, we can come back and change it.

What if there was a time limit to these choices we have to make, if we do not choose within 1 minute or less, it is chosen automatically and then we have to live with it.

Is that how the characters feel? Being forced to play a game they are not interested in. It’s like Bandersnatch, a Netflix interactive movie where you can choose options for the character and they have to live with it with force. The character can’t do anything but go with it unwillingly.

I cannot imagine living life like that but wondering on it, sometimes it would be easier if someone else decides what I can do, so I can just blame it on them if things go wrong rather than going through the process of pondering.

But what fun would life be if it were in the control in an other man’s hand? We couldn’t then enjoy the frivolities of life.

What am I good at?

So just two days back, I was having this talk with my dad for something imporant and I don’t know how the conversation was exactly. I guess it was something about hobbies or something else, but something in that conversation sparked my doubting self to think and wonder what was my speciality.

What am I good at?

I know many people and they all are good at something and they say it with confidence. They do not have to ponder and think if they are good at it, they know they are and they do not mean it as a way of self boast or praise. They are just confident and it’s good to know that.

Over here, I am wondering I do have quite a lot of hobbies or things I do, but am I good at it?

If you have to ask me what I am good at, I would say I like writing and well watching movies and tv shows, but being good at it, I don’t know. I mean how can you possibly go wrong with tv shows, movies and fandoms?

Whereas in the other case, my pieces of work, I am proud of it and happy with it but I don’t know if I can say I am good at writing. I would like to think of myself as being a good writer but what really confirms that notion?

Do people’s critique stand as a factor to determine how good am I in what I do? Thier comments, likes and appreication, is that how I know, we all know?

I do believe that I do have quite the creative and imaginative skills inside my head, but most of the times I tend to not express it out because I just don’t know and most of the times, I do like to keep it in my head. My head is a place where I can control and create and if there was some sort of way where I can show it. I would.

Again coming back to the million dollar question, WHAT AM I GOOD AT? How do I know? How do I answer this to myself and to others?

Do I know I am good only if I achieve something with it or am I good when other people recognize it or is it an understanding from within? I don’t seem to understand.

Let’s leave the creative set of skills aside and come down to the personality traits? When Buzzfeed quizzes have these questions, “which word would you use to describe yourself or how would your friends describe you? ” I honestly can’t decide which trait to choose? How do I know I am good at it?

I have different traits some more prominent than others and with different best friends, some show more than the other and some don’t. I know how to describe myself but what about my friends?

I feel confident in taking role of skills such as goofy, weird, crazy, sometimes funny and organized but when friends decide these other skill sets, am I good at it? Probably so.

The question again comes down to it, Am I good at those skills?

This English litearture and language degree I am doing, I love it but what determines whether I am good at it and what determines it would be grades and knowledge of it. I do have the knowledge for it but some of the times, it’s the grades that’s hard to get.

So does that mean I am not good in what I do? Will the people see beyond my grades and look at the passion, hard work, love I have for this subject. Will they believe I can do it? I do believe in myself, I just wish other people could see it too. I wish future employers would look at my knowledge and passion I can put in rather than my grades mostly.

Knowing myself, I overthink a lot and this overthinking voice of mine questions every thought, affirmation and reaffirmation of mine making it an impossible task to settle down with a calm and reassuring reason.

If anyone out there has an answer to this question of mine, please do tell me.

Master Yoda or Obi Wan Kanobi or any of the Avengers, do tell me because you would clearly know. I think I would like to hear from Tony Stark because he would be more realistic with the advice. I wouldn’t mind hearing from Thanos because who wouldn’t like to hear a difference and variety in an opinion.

I do not know what to write about.

It’s been a few days since I wrote something and I decided that I could write something now, but I don’t know what to write about.

I know that I am in a mood to write something but I don’t know what to write about. I am particulary not feeling any emotions or feelings to write something really big or pour my heart out. I just don’t know what to write about.

I don’t want to write about topics or situations if I am not in the mood because I believe mood is an important factor to my writings. When I am in the mood, I feel and I write more. I am not pressured to think more, create and write. I just flow.

I have mad respect for writers and their imagination of writing. It’s a talent indeed.

So it’s my summer break now and I do not have much to do. I wish to learn some Spanish, read a bit because it’s been a long time since I read for the joy of it. I am watching a lot of Youtube and Netflix which I am loving.

I want to explore more of Singapore right now, but I am lazy and I will do it soon. I just want to be at home and well be on my couch and enjoy lazing around.

So what does one do when they have nothing to write about? I pretty much do not have any thoughts now because of the all Youtube and Netflix I am keeping in the background and continuing to write.

I do have many piles of pieces that I have been working on, but I need to be in the zone for finishing them and I don’t think I am there now. I do not want to put pressure to finish it. I want to do it right and in the way I would like to do because if one does it unhappily, the work often does not come out in the way desired and would do more bad than good.

So take your time but if it’s with something important, prioritise it and do things accordingly. You don’t want to mess it up.

Right now I just want to be in the moment, for once not having much thoughts and overthinking about the future and all the chores left for me to do. I just want to be lazy.

I do hope in the next few days, I have my zest and zeal for writing not that I have not lost it entirely, but there are the cases of the blues. Am I writing this for the sake of putting something out there or do I mean it?

I guess I mean it. Sometimes I want to let myself know that it is okay if you don’t post a piece at all times. It is okay if it’s just a few lines or a long ballad. As long as you are happy with it and you feel content with the way you have expressed yourself. You are good to go!!

Out of the context, my keyboard suddenly seems to blind me because of the yellow light reflecting on it and it’s gettiong annoying to look at now.

So that’s it. I wanted to write about nothing and I did. I guess, I mean this is sort of something.

Getting my tattoo done

I got the good kind of excitement nervous nerves now.

My mom and my family well just kept saying it was going to be painful, its not too late to back out. They just kept tensing me up but I know they care about me and they can’t stand to see me in pain, but I am doing it because I want to do this for myself.

I already had one tattoo done, this is my second one out of many more to come

I want to show a part of myself in this tattoo. I have been planning it for not a long time but still been doing the planning for some time and I have never been more sure of anything. I can’t promise you that I am not tensed. I am tensed and scared because well I am doing it on my ankle where the bones are and apparently it hurts, so it has been said by my mother.

So being myself, this time I did not succumb to the chance of googling it. I did not google whether it was going to pain or not and if it pains how much. I am proud of myself that I did not google it.

As time gets closer, I am nervous but very excited. This is something, a part of something that is going to show me, who I am. I guess it’s going to be an easy conversation starter among new folks if they notice my tattoo. They ask what it is and I tell them what it stands for.

They are going to be in for a long ride and so are you because I will be explaining it to you as well. It’s 3:34 now and my appointment is at 4:30 or 5. It might last two hours, kind of scared about that. I am afraid of well the pain a lot because that’s been imprinted on my mind but it’s going to be the good kind of pain isn’t it?

When I get back, I will be marked with another tattoo. Going unmarked, coming back home marked with meaning and passion.

So I am back from the tattoo place and while I was there, I jotted down a few thoughts and sent them to my best friend, my soulie when I was getting it done. I couldn’t be more happier of the tattoo and it means a lot to me and I will be explaining it in an other post.

So these are the thoughts that I wrote down to my friend when getting inked.

My mom had me freaked out but then I guess I was more anxious before the needling I mean I just wanted the needle to start. I was eager to know how it felt because all these thoughts and discussions about it paining so much, it just felt tiring. That panic before getting tattoed, you know like when will the needle come and all that and is it going to hurt and all that panic made me more scared and nervous but now it’s cool.
 
It does sting and burn a bit but then it goes. You know when she takes the needle for like a brief pause, and then she puts it again For some reason I find it pains I guess it’s the shock when it hits again
You know when she takes the needle for like a brief pause, and then she puts it again For some reason I find it pains I guess it’s the shock when it hits again

I am also planning to get this one more tattoo done, that’s going to take place after a long time 
I really wanted to do it after masters, but it’s quite big and like I don’t want to get really big tattoos before I get married.
So I thought I would get that tattoo after my marriage cause my parents are cool with it 

I guess you know the thing about this tattoo is that it takes so long. The wait is now part of the pain.You just want to get it done with, but you also want it to be perfect and well not wrecked cause it’s gonna be on your body forever or until the day you die. 

And also it pains but not that much. It’s like a ticklish pain It’s like intense penning. You know when you draw on your hand intensely with a pen. It’s like that but there are some places where it pains but then it goes. It doesn’t actually pain that bad. You get used to it and for a while I liked it. 

I can’t wait for you to see it

These are the maximum clarity I could get, I really wanted to upload a video but there is some issue with uploading videos. Security reasons apparently.

So this tattoo means a lot to me because each charm on this bracelet symbolizes a part of my personality and what I believe in and what I love and also who I am. 

The dots mean that there is more to come, I am going to evolve and change. That is why I did not do it as one single line around because that would mean it’s closed which is why I kept the charms on the dotted lines.

The joker stands for a fact that I love movies. Movies and shows are a huge part of who I am. The Joker also represents that there is a chaos and madness that runs in me but there is also good in me as well. I feel like many of me is an emboidement of many characters that I have watched on shows and movie. I am inspired by these characters that I watch. The reason I chose Joker to represent I love movies because he is such an iconic figure and I love him.

The book stands for my love for books, stories, writing and creativity. It is through them I decided I wanted to have a future in the literature field. 

The plane stands for my passion to travel and discover the world and always being curious of everything even if I don’t show it.

The building and the planet stands for the outside representation of me. The building stands as what people view me but the windows and the planet mean there is a whole universe inside of me. There is more to me that people and even my best friends and family will never know. It also means I love the city but am also a nature gal as well. It means home, friendships and family to me as well. 

The music notes stand for how much I love music and how much it helps me as a get away and also those are the notes to my favorite song in the entire world, Maps by Maroon 5 and these notes are also there in a similar pattern to another song Stockholm Syndrome by One Direction which was the start to me loving them and well the start of listening to more of English songs. They also have the same notes in a similar pattern to the start of my favourite Band Panic! At The Disco’s song Miss Jackson which got me into them!!

It’s total of 5 charms bound by a bracelet making it 6 because I love even numbers. ♥️

Dreams

I am a fool for dreams. I am utterly and completely obsessed and in love with dreams.

Dreams are like a comfortable dress, they are laces of wavy soft fabric stitched onto my mind. My dreams are like cloths of different colours layered one after the other making it very flowy and intricate.

They are like a hot air balloon that I hop on to so that I could see the magic of the land above.

I hold on to them and they let me fly into a world that is filled with fantasy.

Dreams are both a curse and boon, sometimes you can chase after these dreams hoping they might turn true eventually or you could just chase them and live in the fantasy and not accept the truth or you could just quit it all and move on to the next dream.

I have dreams, I like to dream. It’s like being in a movie when I am asleep, or going off to a different universe where time works differently altogether. It’s a nice concept.

There are new and familiar faces in my dreams and there are new, horrifying, creative, passionate and unique stories out there that are waiting to be played as soon I go to sleep.

However there are some dreams that often have the same theme going on and on over again. Why? I guess it’s your mind and heart telling your deepest desires and knowing myself, I guess my dreams are the only method to work those out without any complications and repercussion.

Sometimes I do talk and have these cries and screams in my dreams. These are the signs of my nightmares. In very few instances, I do remember my nightmares but many of the times I possibly cannot remember what caused my terrors during my sleep. I seem to wake up without any recollection of what happens. There are times when I am aware of the fact that I have cried and screamed but the others, I am not. I am only aware of it when someone comments about it which then catches me off guard because I can never remember what I dreamed about.

Then there are these dreams that only happen once but they seem too real and you start to question if these dreams are memories supressed down that are now resurfacing up. These type of dreams are the ones where I can’t distinguish whether it was reality or just a dream.

Then those dreams happen where everything is heartbreakingly beautiful and perfect. The story in these dreams are seducing and alluring. The details are perfect and you remember everything even after days and months. You couldn’t be more satisfied but you wish for a continuation because either you were woken up abruptly or you just want a continuation to this story, to see what lies more.

It is an agony being awake after dreaming of it. You would and will want to do anything to go back to them.

So one tries anything, and I mean anything. I have tried to recreate the same scenario by imagining every detail as it was with nothing changed. I imagine the ending in my mind and then try to convince my mind to somehow incooproate this into the continuation of my unfinished dream, but it has never once worked. I always land up with a different dream instead.

I have also come up with various ways on how it would end or how I could continue it without dreaming but none of it as good as dreaming it.

Those good dreams, I feel they are a privilege that has to be earned.

Don’t you ever wish there was a machine to capture all these dreams that you dream of and then you can watch them later like a movie or be able to dream of the continuation in your next sleep?

Why does one dream? Is it a way to indulge into fantasies that reality cannot deem to offer? Are our dreams the actual lives that we live, when we dream, we go to that world and we live our orignal life and the life that we lead when awake is sort of a stimulation run by someone else?

Or are dreams a sort of drug injected in us by aliens, by humans or by any other creature as sort of an experimentation or do they need us to be in heavy slumber and dream so that they do something to us or the world without our knowings?

An other theory of my dreams are that these unknown faces that I dream of, what if they are actual human beings and we all are somehow being put in the same dream by a force. I see my side of the story and they see thiers, what if we are meant to connect all the peices of the story and the dream to find something?

Why are our dreams being interrupted? Is it because we are capable or on the verge of finding something that is not meant to be found?

How do we know that these lives that we lead now are also dreams? I have a theory that this life what I lead, these people I know, these expereinces I am going through are something that has happened in the past or a sort of stimualtion. When in reality, I am in a choma dreaming of all this.

I end all of this now. I depart off to an other world, to another time to dream and you might find me writing my stories there.

Until next time.

Sometimes my faith shatters and it’s your fault partially

You know what Universe and the Lords

I am disappointed in you guys, why do you have to go out of your way to create disruption and chaos in my life and to those I care about

I am angry at you, I am frustrated because I have no other explanation

I have no one else to blame but you, solely you, just you

You might think as to why I keep writing about my miseries and sorrows again and again.

You might also think all my miseries and sorrows are the same monotnous old regime but guess what, maybe you could ask the lords above to intervine and request them to bring some aspects of change into my life so that I can write about something new

When good times arise, why is it that you have to stick your foot down at that very moment and create a judgment for you to pass upon my life?

I am angry with you but you know my temper would subside down

I just need to vent out and have an open conversation with you.

I might and will blame you but know that, I never mean these things very seriosuly, I understand why you have to do these things, actually I don’t. I think it’s unfair but like the world says the world is unfair.

I will always continue to put my faith and belief in you but that doesn’t mean once in a while I won’t get angry with you when the waves go rough

I pray to you to get matters sorted out, I pray to you for finding solutions, I pray to you to help me and aid me.

Sometimes I hope you can make it easy for myself and the world, I really do. If you are out there, don’t let this world and the good people descend to choas. There is still hope.

Sometimes people say it all happens for the best or it happens for a reason, but when the absolute worst happens, how can anyone mean that? How is there sense to it? Why does it have to happen when no good reason comes out of it?

Why can’t people just say what’s happened has happened or say nothing at all rather than say it must have happened for a reason or some lame universe philosophy. That does not make things better.

I take action for my responsibility and will not blame you for whatever comes from it, maybe I will vent out but will try to understand whatever happened happened and there is nothing I can do about it. I will live through it like always, sometimes it takes longer than usual, but I will pass through it.

Universe, Gods and the Lords, I will always put my unwavering faith in you because you help me and I find calm and solace with you.