Under the weather

When one feels under the weather, you know what they crave for the most?

Some warm soup and good TV to turn that dying cough into a tiring laugh…

Jokes aside and yes the above was a joke attempted and now you know how bad my humor is. Apologies for that, I am not feeling up to the mark as I am currently ill whilst writing this.

It’s a rainy day outside and I have shut the drapes to a close as I do not want my mind to lure into taking a walk outside where it’s cold, windy harsh and rainy. Not quite the perfect antidote to cure the sick, if one intends to get more sick than before, I suggest you do the above, if you live in a hot country, go under the shower, take a bath for the whole night and do not dry yourself up. You might get a cold, I haven’t tried that one yet. Tell me how it goes or not…

There it is, dry humor to avoid writing what I really feel now. Never had that problem before. This sickness keeps getting worse and tiring by each agonizing minute.

I feel like a sick and needy Sheldon and I like it… Dear Lord…

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As I mentioned before, I am sick, I have caught myself a little cold and I could feel my body plummeting down to the bottom of the pit where it feels impossible to get back up. I have also got the scratches as in my throat is scratchy and I dislike it because it pains me to swallow and well talk…

Despite all of that, I went for my lectures because I decided I did not want to fail in life and after seeing the lecture slides the day before, I realized I have the IQ of a peanut when it came to that module. So getting up today and dragging myself to campus for a lecture at 10 which talked half an hour to reach is quite the work in itself when you are sick…

I have brought some medicines for myself and I am a bit better than before. I can stand on my feet and walk for a few minutes without having the urge to slumber in my bed for the rest of eternity. That’s a success…

Throughout this day, one thought lurked around wherever and whenever my mind decided to divert itself. It was a soul-crushing reality smacking saddening thought that tore me.

Given the circumstances, I have granted myself permission to be on the exaggeration scale as my brain isn’t in the right mind to filter every thought that it went. My fingers are typing every thought that my mind is coming up with and they too have lost the game because they too have been infected by the plague that is taking over my almost lifeless body…

( How sick am I?)

Let me get to the point before my brain yaps more…

Why I started writing now was because I am trying to get myself to sleep and I can’t bring myself to sleep. So I tried to hold a book and bring myself to read it but now it’s simply resting on my belly untouched…

So the best way to describe how I feel is by words.

To tell you the truth, I feel sad, lonely, very cold and tired… It all started when that sneaky little cold caught up to me when I least expected it, and that was the Rookie mistake one. I was weak and it resided in me.

Rookie mistake 2: The heart’s desires and the mind’s compulsive obsession to ponder on everything that has the power to wreck me which is sadness.

I wish my parents were here or I was there back home so that I could just be sick and we’ll have taken care of. The love and care that you get is just a cure in itself. It’s part of the healing process, and over here I have to do the Adulting and Studenting (MADE UP WORD kids, do not blame me if you use it in your school or essay and teachers yell at you. Warning had been given. Do not choose to ignore, otherwise choose to face the wrath) all by myself. It’s too much for a sick child in an almost adult teenager’s body to handle.

When you are sick, you just want to sleep and not care about whether the world exists tomorrow or not because you are simply too god damn tired to think so. When you are sick, you want your loved ones to be beside you and take care of you… You just want to be home and be taken care of…

 

(Searching for the pictures below of parents taking care of kids when they are sick made me even sadder and reminded me of the fact that I was alone. So no picture)

 

I want my mom to cuddle me and lie down next to me saying I am going to be fine and gently kissing my forehead whilst placing ice cold towels on my forehead to bring my fever down. In the evening, I want to get up from sleep and sit next to my dad and talk and watch some TV with my family while my dad cuddles me that makes me warm. As night approached, I want to be covered in a heap of blankets prepared by my dad and sleep.

I want all that here but I can’t have it…

You get that sick day off back home but here, I can’t give that to myself because obligations and responsibilities come knocking down the door and force you to dress up and be ready.

Why did my almost teenage years have to end so soon? Why come a time when you are plunged into that world of making it on your own? Why can’t I just be where I want to be with the loved ones all in one place? Why can’t I have it all?

Over here, I have to wake up because I need to go for the lecture, if not I will get screwed. Then I have to take care of my own health which means figuring out what food to eat, making it or ordering it, then going to Uni which is the worst because I have to walk for 15 minutes to catch a bus and then go to uni… And later I need to go to the pharmacy to get some antibiotics because I wish to get better and not die from this sluggishness. And lastly, I just wish my parents were here to help me with all that.

At times like these, you know the sadness and the desperation of having someone with you, especially those you love and who you want…

But despite all this, you know what this has taught me: I am strong and mighty and I can make it even if I am on the verge of dying. It’s never easy but I can do it, with a few complaints along the way because that’s how I roll. That is the only one good thing I am taking out of the bad lot.

#Livingthesickunilife 

The lesson of the day: Being sick sucks and kids take care of yourself.

Enjoy while it lasts…

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Hearing Voices and Seeing Things

I hear voices, voices that are familiar calling out to me, calling out my name in a playful tone. It teases and taunts me in a manner so serious yet so playful… Why?

Sometimes it’s natural and it seems it’s meant to be there.

Sometimes these voices sound like my mother, most of them are my mother. Then I hear voices of strangers, voices of strangers I have once heard in a crowd and then forgot. Then I hear the voices of my friends or acquaintances call me out when I am in my deep thoughts or about to slumber.

These voices do not say much, all I hear is my name loud yet faint escape from their lips. It does not scare me at all because I somewhat believe they are a manifestation of my mind or a really super cool ability of some sort and designed for some purpose because if it supernatural related to ghosts and demons, I think I might die because I have no faint clue on how to deal with that.

At times I do hear conversations but very faint.

These voices intrigue me, is this my own mind playing tricks on me? If it is, then why? Do I miss these voices? Do I miss the company? Or am I insane?

Why do I hear these voices? What is the purpose?

Usually, I am a person who is scared of the supernatural and the unknown. In no manner do I find them intriguing… I am intrigued by the existence of supernatural creatures such as werewolves, banshee, vampires and do wish they were true.

But these voices are not supernatural, they are just there existing and maintain their balance in this universe. They are with me, they travel with me, they are there in me?

I find them fascinating and very intriguing. Why?

When I rub my eyes too hard, I always find that amidst the black, dots start to appear, colourful dots emerge and form shapes, sometimes of humans or of animals. It really does shock me but also truly surprises me, how is that possible? The people that I see are familiar and not familiar.  Sometimes it’s of the galaxy or so I think it is.

I love to see what unfolds every time I rub my eyes too hard, it’s a world of its own when I do…

 

I guess this is a part of my mind that works differently or are these manifestations of my subconscious?  

Are there any hidden meanings or symbols in them? If there are, what is expected of me to do and why? 

Do others see or hear them? Does every being have different ways or abilities similar to mine or way different?

Are we all part of something, for the better or for the worse?

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Farewell to my humble abode…

18th December 2018, this day was surely faced with a  mixed bag of emotions. On this day, I received the wonderful news which was at first devasting because me being me, I never ask for the whole details. I really should inquire about the whole rather than the half.

The news was that my dad got a wonderful job in Singapore which means we all had to leave Dubai, my home.

It was THE GOODBYE, I always dreaded and knew would come someday…

So at first, I was devasted because I realised this winter break was the last time I was truly ever at my home and also with my friends. Then it would all be packed off to Singapore… At first, I was not happy and carried a dislike to the place immediately because of you, my home was taken away from me. I had to say goodbye to it. I am not fond of goodbye’s and you made me do it…

A tip to myself and the people out there: Always remember to wait and listen to the whole details rather than staying at the half, and also ask whatever troubling questions you have about the problem. It may surprise you when the solutions are out there immediately. 

I vividly remember this day because I crashed down and broke into huge tears. This was the day I truly realized how much Dubai meant to me and the effects it had on me. It charmed me in and left me bewitched. I have been hooked onto Dubai for long as I can remember. That’s what home does to you. It’s a drug you can’t say goodbye to because it is embedded so deep in your system. You are never truly free from it.

Dubai was what kept me sane and happy. It was what I looked forward to when I came back from uni, indulging into Dubai after my experiences at uni was a comfort. When I had trouble at uni and I was so homesick and troubled by the life there, knowing that I would come back home was what that got me through those tough uncosonalble times, but now it it’s gone… The home and friendship comfort always soothed me, but now it was gone… But there are still ways to mend it…

I found out my dad got a better job at Singapore, so that means goodbye Dubai, my home for 18 years and hello to an entirely different place Singapore. I am looking forward to it, I am really excited to see what it has to offer for myself and my family. My dad and mom are happy and seeing them happy, it makes me happy. A new beginning for my family, I hope and pray for it to be a good new happy fresh start.

All happiness aside, I do feel gutted and upset that I am leaving Dubai, it has been my home for 17 years. I grew up here, lived here, roamed around here, made loads of memories and friendships here, but this wasn’t goodbye forever… The memories would stay on forever… It would always be there in me… I faced many hardships and many happiness from here, it has made me who I am. You were also a good teacher and master to me.

After the crying I did, my parents promised and reassured that I would come back here for my vacations and meet my friends and my home So I am not worried and upset about it, but it truly does suck having your home snatched away. Leaving the place where you call home, and then doing the adjusting process all over again. It takes time for me to adjust to a new place and that was evident when I had to do it in uni. If only, I could have listened before crying, but maybe it was good for me to get it all out of my system. Crying is one of the most effective ways for me to get whatever I have out. Crying is not a sign of weakness, it helps me get it all out and I feel much better. Talking with the right people also helps a lot, so thank you to my mom, dad, and my best friends for being there when I need to talk and for knocking some sense into me.

To my Best Friends out there, we all are growing up, changing, going into different directions and we may not be around for long at the same place. We all might end up in different places, but that doesn’t mean we are going to be lost forever never finding each other. I always manage to annoy and be by them whenever possible, which is through text, calls, and video. They are always there, no matter where I am and where they are. The distance is hard, it’s a huge obstacle, but we are there for each other. There are some friendships that are so strong and worth it, you and them would do anything to be a part of it because it’s too beautiful to abandon and let go. It’s a team effort, not a solo one to make the friendship work.

I knew that Dubai wouldn’t last forever for us. I did have to leave this place for good at some point. Eventually, we all would have to go back to India, but now there is Singapore offering us a bright future for all of us. I am grateful to Singapore for that.

So in a way, I am glad that the sooner it happened, the better. It gave me time to deal with it and accept it. It also gave my father one of the best opportunities. If not, who knew what would happen at that time?

How long can one live in the fantasy? It’s all about the change. That change is from where life gets its thrill from. It thrives on that.

Change is hard, change is easy, different people react to it differently. Accept change and don’t try to battle with it because, with time, that change be it bad, it will leave it’s lingering shadow some time or the other and be it good, it’s going to stick around and be there in your life. “Expect for the unexpected.”

Home is where the family is, right? So I hope that Singapore could eventually turn into a place where I can call it home. I am eager and looking forward to it, but saying goodbye to this place. It’s hard, but I am moving on with it better than I expected to…

Everything happens for the best. That’s what I am going by and sometimes things do happen truly for the best. I am going in it with the all the “high hopes.” (Any Panic! Fans here?) I could relate to that song because that’s also what my mama tells me.

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The last time I am going to be here staying in my home. As I am writing this post, this is my last day in Dubai before I leave back for university. 11th January 2019.

When I come back for my break, it’s Singapore. Hello Singapore, I await you…

Dubai, You have made me happy in all ways you can…

A good day!

January 4th 2019

Wow, it does feel different writing 2019 rather than 2018, so far everything seems to be going well and the ships have set smoothly along the sea, waiting for its adventures and misadventures.

Myself, my mom and dad, we all went out for a little shopping, brought some clothes and had some amazing Chinese food and the best part that made this day a good day was the banana spring rolls! Dear Lord, it was heavenly and one of the best desserts I have had. I am not a huge dessert person, but this is definitely in one of my favourites. From the first bite to the last, I savoured every bit of it and I knew the moment this dish arrived was the moment I knew this day was a good one.

Food carries the magic to turn a frown into a smile. The power of food is remarkable.

The ride back home whiffed up my inner nostalgiac side, I put my headphones on and listened to the songs that reminded me of the good times and memories I had in Dubai while looking out to the street lights that shone in the dark. I love street lights and lights in the dark. When I look at them, I am at peace and I am so calm and happy. It feels alive, it’s just me, my thoughts and the world out there. It feels balanced and in sync.

Sometimes all it takes for a day to be good is to just try it out.  Up until then, things were a bit rocky and dodgy, but then I said Yes to going out with my mom and dad, it turned out to be great.

I find it lazy and a bit hard for selfish reasons to step out of my comfort zone because the zone I am in is so inviting and warm, It’s just me and my world. What could possibly go wrong in that? Well, I have a few starters, missing out on the world I live in, it’s stories and adventures, my friends and family.

It might make you sound I am not a part of this world at all. What I am saying is, I love to dwell in the world I have created as well as the real world. What I am not a fan of is people I am not really comfortable with being a part in the real world. I am a people person only to people I love and I find myself really comfortable with.

It’s circumstantial. If there are situations where I have to be friendly and nice, example work areas and classrooms, Yeah I am good at it, but interacting with people on a social scale, it just makes me uncomfortable and a bit nervous, but sometimes I do warm up to them if I like them. It’s a hard life.

So coming back to the topic, sometimes you have to go out there and see and test it for yourself. There are chances and possibilities of you inviting more happy trinkets into your life from the world you go out and explore,  if not now you know what doesn’t make you happy and you can steer away from it.

Writing out the words is easy, but it’s hard doing it. I understand but why ponder on the possibility of what if? Why have that regret?

For some, it’s smooth and natural, like the gentle waves of the ocean, but for some, it’s hard and rough like the storm. Let’s do what it takes in our way and conquer. So little by little, let’s start discovering and exploring like pirates, and who knows we might find the treasure we look for.

Go out there and try. I really should start following my own advice and in a way I am.

Sometimes, one has to say Yes to test out the waters and if turns out to be good, it’s great for you but if not, be glad you made the attempt. 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

(PS: Why am I referring to many ocean lingos?)

Happy New Year

2019 has arrived!!

Here are a bunch of wishes/motivational quotes to keep you energized and motivated about the year

  • Every end marks a new beginning. Keep your spirits and determination unshaken, and you shall always walk the glory road. With courage, faith and great effort, you shall achieve everything you desire. I wish you a Happy New Year.
  • No one can go back in time to change what has happened, so work on your present to make yourself a wonderful future.
  • Unlike what most people think it is never too late to be what you wish to be.
  • We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.
  • We all get the exact same 365 days. The only difference is what we do with them.
  • “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” -Albert Einstein

I hope you all have a wonderful year and I hope for all your dreams and wishes to come true!!

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

What awaits in 2019?

So here we are, the last day of 2018. Then 2019 begins the next day. Scary but exciting. Happy but nervous.

 

I am not going to be making resolutions, they seem like a strong word that is too hyped and does not work for me. I am going to work on myself, my goals and my dreams, try my best and learn. What I am going to do instead is just move on with 2019, focus on my goals and dreams, try my best, learn and change for the best. I am going to continue to live life like always. Make promises on the way, learn more on the way and try improving where I need to be improved. That’s what I am going to do.

 I want to start my year good, it’s a tradition in our family, more so believed and said by mom. If your new years starts in a good light, the rest of the year continues to go good. It’s a belief that I hold to my heart dearly. If we start our year good, it will go good and I would like to uphold and stick to it every single year.

 

Things to Look forward to 2019

  • Amsterdam trip with best friends!! Ready for some immersive out of the world new expericnes over there and I can’t wait for it!! New adventures and memories await!!

 

  • Planning a trip to Paris, Disneyand!! Myself being such a huge fan of Disney have never been there!! SO I AM SO STOKED TO GO TO THE CITY OF MAGIC!!! Keeping my fingers crossed for this trip to happen!! And also planning a trip to some other places as well!! Let’s hope that it happens

 

  • GOING FOR Panic! At the Disco Concert on March 26th!!! FINALLY!!!!! I Can’t wait!! Imagine listening to Brendon live, his vocals, him, THE SONGS!!! Dear lord, Have mercy!!

 

  • All my favourite shows such as the A Series Of Unfortunate Events, One Day At A Time, The Good Place, Riverdale, Brooklyn 99 all come out and then don’t even get me started on the movies that are going to come out!! 2019 IS GOING TO RULE!!

 

  • Turning the BIG 20 on May 24th. The adulthood takes over this one now. I do not know if I dread this or whether I am eagerly waiting for it. I feel more like dreading to this because I am not ready to be an adult. Are any of us ever ready?

 

This is just the start and I am sure many more awaits as I continue the journey. 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

Thoughts

In this world, there are millions of people out there. Every second, every minute, on the streets, I see people out, all sorts of people living their stories in this world. It just dawned upon me today while having dinner with my friend.

What if I could be a friend to each and every person in the world out there? Maybe that’s a bit too much. What if I knew every person and their story? What would I do knowing it? I figure it might be a bit too tedious for my brain to handle.

If I hadn’t met her at uni, what would happen, of the memories, of the bond, of it all? Then I got thinking to the other people in my life. It’s an intense and disturbing thought that often troubles me when I have it. Many thoughts that I have are intense and distrbuing but some of the thoughts people find disturbing, I find it to be exciting.

What would have happened if I wouldn’t have met my friends? Would I meet the people who I would like? Would I be truly alright?  Would I have shared the same sort of connection? It has to be fate and destiny right? Or is it us just moving on and going with the flow?

What if I lived another life in another country with a different background and setting? Maybe I would just meet other people, make best friends there, probably change and learn something about myself.

While eating, we talked. We talked about life and the struggles. We all have them, don’t they? Everyone has their own struggles and problems, some worse than the rest of the world. But it doesn’t mean that what we have is also not worse. It’s worse in our own way.

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Why do some people struggle more in their life than others? Some people might have it all, and still, they seem to lack something or the other. Also, I often see that why does bad stuff happen to good people often?

What is this way of life? I see that some people despite being so kind and so generous, they tend to have the worst of the earth’s hits on them and the bad often gets away with it at times, or many of the times.

So when do they pay for this? At the time of death or after death?

I see it in my own life. We all get consequences for the actions we commit and do, and it pains me to see them happen in my own family. Some people do deserve it but seeing them struggle through it hurts me.

 

A random thought

I just finished watching Blackmirror- Bandersnatch that my best friend recommended and holy mother forking shirt balls, it is one of the brilliantly made movies I have watched in a long time, you get to choose your own choices and your own end to the film. I tried out all the possible ends, but I do have two left which I can’t wait to discover. I just feel that whatever end I choose, it’s grim. I have tried to discover a happy ending but it simply doesn’t exisit, and if it does exisit in the show, that’s simply not the end. It’s a false lie to make you feel better for yourself and the character. That’s all what it truly is.

I do not wish to spoil it for the people but have your minds ready to be forking amazed and baffled and tricked by.

I have always loved Black Mirror because it makes you think and ponder about everything in life and about the things you have never doubted but will start to when you watch this show. It’s a very interesting and unique take on the world, it’s technology. This show makes you think and question so much. Some of the episodes are merely frightening because you know there are the chances of it happening. Every episode in black mirror is different, so you have the option of watching any episode from any season because it’s not connected.

Watching Black Mirror does make you question everything of our existence and what the future holds for us.

It’s a brilliant show that deserves all the hype. 

 

I have many thoughts on different things, feelings, objects, the world, people, concepts and so much more that I just cannot hold onto. Every thought that I have connects to an other, and it just keeps going on and linking and latching onto every possibility it gets. I do not know how I do it, don’t we all?

We find our minds skipping to one thing and then to another. It’s a game of hopscotch, I tell you. 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj