Let me paint you a picture here. A picture of what I did. I roamed around these streets filled with skyscrapers that soared up so high in the sky. I knew they are so high because I simply could not get them all to fit in one frame on the shot I wanted to take. I feel oddly at home even though the home I once was in was miles away. I felt at home when I came here, I guess it was those big blue windows that reflected light made it home. It was perhaps those big skyscrapers in the city and the bay front I once knew of made it home. After admiring the building, I walked along the bay, A view that needed admiration. Everything lining up waiting to be awed and gawked upon. I took selfies of myself being happy and silly to capture these moments, so that when I look back on these pictures, I am able to remember the moment and what I liked to do. Looking at the water, then onto the buildings and the statues felt pleasant and calm. It gave me a whiff of nostalgia and provided me with the city magic I needed. I was alone in this adventure of mine. Right beside the bay walk, there was a small green ground where the food festival was about to take place. I saw families, friends, couples walk hand in hand smiling and admiring. I liked the presence of myself. I could not create any chaos or unhappiness to myself in such places. I admire being in them but could not help on how it would feel if I were to be with family, friends or a lover. A moment of happiness couldn't seem to last longer than a few minutes before the storm hits my family. It doesn't happen all time but it happens. I wasn't keen on taking that chance, not today. I saw people eat the delicacies from different stalls with their friends and family. Enjoying and laughing, having a good time. Being around this whole celebration and looking at it made me feel awkward. It made me feel like I was supposed to be with someone, anyone just so that I could pass as someone blending with the crowd. I then looked around if there were people like me, alone and enjoying. Not a lot were there but yes, there were some. I realized then, why am I being so bothered about this? I am having fun and enjoying. Isn’t that the point after all? Why risk bringing a factor that could cause you to frown and worry? The past and the present has made me afraid to bring along a family along with these adventures. My happiness fades away as soon as a dispute occurs. It happens quite commonly. Sometimes I think it is me. I think I could be the reason these moments of unhappiness occur. The past and the present are continuously proving so. This is why I venture out alone, not that I don’t mind it most of the times, but sometimes when it gets lonely, it is good to have a hand with you. I look out to the world and then look at the other people Is it something that’s wrong with me or am I just different with my approach? I wish I had something of that sorts. This is all I know This is what I know how to do I was right after all. I ended up to go on and have a great time being in the celebrations. It was because there was no one in that present moment who was capable to ruin my happiness and contentment I felt. For a fact I know that I love to explore by myself and I can do it wherever and whenever. There is a unique fun that lies in that. You are the controller of the day, if you screw up you have no one else to blame but yourself. There is no one to pin point and blame you for the mistakes caused. No sort of remarks to bring you down. You get to do what you want and manipulate the day to your likings. It is all you and some times it is good.
As I was getting ready to sleep, this thought popped up into my mind and got me thinking the above.
I simply cannot understand how only the nights are set out to get these thoughts from me. How is it that the nights are only capable to question the deepest thoughts man mind is afraid to be alone with? How is that in the nights, I have to confront them? So rather than going to sleep and forgetting about them the next morning, I decided to sit down and write every thought that came to me.
This is what came to me.
I can do fine or maybe good by myself but not great.
You know what makes it great. It is the family, the friends and the world I live in that make it great.
You give me a laptop and good wi-fi connection, I will be alright by myself. You give an apartment, a job with money, I can go out and travel and live by myself without the need for human conatct to bring me joy. I can spend days just being with it but in order for my life to be great, I need my family and my friends.
The world is a companion that I need when I am alone. I need the world so that I can step out and go for many walks. I need the world so that there is something I can go and discover.
I need them all so that I can still try and live my great life. I need it all to give me the drive I want and still have.
I am an introvert. I like very specific people and can only express who I authentically am just with them. They bring out the me. With different people, I am a different and authentic self. Some of my friends may not see the side I am with the other people I spend my time with.
That is the thing with me. I guess it can be the thing with everyone. I never show the whole 100 percent. I guess I want to hide that part or maybe I just haven’t been comfortable to show it to you. Keeping that part of myself, just to myself makes me happy. A secret only I know.
I can still live good being by myself in this world but still I need my family and best friends to keep the 50 percent human in me.
I know this sounds selfish, it is all about me, but when you come to think of it, why do we form friendships, why do we love? It is all for ourselves, to make us happy. These people give us happiness and love and that is why we want them in our lives. I like them because I like spending my time with them. Watching them happy makes me happy.
I guess we all are selfish but it is the good kind of selfish. The kind of selfish where we deserve happiness and love for ourselves and the world.
I need them to balance my life.
I need them because I want to shower them with love and I also want to be showered with love.
I need them so that I am aware of life and what is real.
I need them to know what is right and what is wrong. I need them to keep my moral compass alive and good.
I need them so that I can learn all sorts of things.
I need them for many of the memories I want to make. I need them because I still want to live this life of love and happiness I lead.
I need them because they are there for me and I for them.
I need these bonds so that I am not alone in this journey of life.
I need them for me.
I need them to exist.
( I do not remember when I wrote this, but when I read it, I knew this was me at one stage in life, probably around last year or might be in 2017 and I was helpless…
When I am stuck in moments like these, words pour out of me without myself putting any thought into it. I write and write until my heart and mind are pleased or relieved… When I later read those pieces, I am often astonished by the depth, seriousness and introduces me to a new side I haven’t met before. This side of me stays hidden and comes out when I am in deep thoughts or stuck in moments where everything fails except for words…
I have never felt more like a stranger to my own self when I read this.
I have decided to post more of these and express myself more for myself… I do not want to hide behind my fears… )
What has become of me? Right now at this very moment, I am confused and in a dilemma at all times. I am in a tough spot some of the times, maybe the majority of them. The world and the people in it are all a puzzle now. I seem to not understand what makes me me. It all seemed so simple back then, what happened now?
I can assure you it’s not life what has happened. Something else has changed and I can’t seem to put a finger on which part of the equation I have to fix in order to get out of this hole.
It was all easy a few moments before and now in the blink of an eye, I seem to be standing at no crossroad. I now stand at a path with various disruptions and continuations to many other paths. These new places and people confuse and intrigue me, reinventing myself at this point is not what I look for right now.
I feel like I have changed for the good in some aspects of myself. Change is a risk.
I would like to think it’s been good yet a tough ride to self discovery and achieving. I am honestly tired of it all.
Everything is a constant change.
Never have I felt more alone and complete at this point. I feel vulnerable yet strong somewhere along the lines.
I tend to finally feel at peace when I listen to songs that my soul cries out to in the nights.
Solace and quietness is what I look forward to now.
I feel like I have been real this entire while but there is also a constant void and lost sense of feeling that always lurks around. This feeling has partially consumed my body.
It won’t take too long for it to completely dissolve within myself.
I have brought out these new feelings in me which I am not used to. For the better or the worse, I do not know.
The most beautiful heartbreaking feeling in this universe is to keep all those pouring soul tearing emotions and thoughts in.
I want to tell it out but I don’t know how and I feel like I would lose some part of myself if I do that.
I have so many contradictions within me. There are so many undiscovered aspects of myself I want to know about.
Home has now become a confusing word. I feel nowhere at home except in the arms of my mom.
I wish I could hold onto everything that I love and not let it go.
I am tired of questioning myself. These questions now seem to wear me out.
Insecurities, fears, doubts have now established as a strong foundation in this body of mine and the process of discovering who I am beneath all this is in its works and is a long way.
There is a void in me which I don’t know how to fill
After all, Nothing is ever as it seems with me.
Why do time and life have to get in the way of it all?
-Roshni Marath Jairaj
I like doing many of the things all by myself. It’s the time out of the day where I get to be away from the crowd and just be there on my own.
This past week, I had to get quite a lot done, so doing it on my own gave me a sense of independence and confidence that I am alright on my own and I can do it.
I feel that sometimes we need to do some things alone, or try to do them alone. It makes us realize that we can make it on our own.
Sometimes, after an eventful day, I go to this small restaurant that my dad and I went to, sit on the regular booth and have a meal all by myself. It makes me feel happy and at peace. It’s just me. I am okay with eating by myself at a restaurant, that doesn’t mean I don’t have friends or am lonely. Sometimes it’s just what I need.
I like to go to the movies alone at times as well, I used to do that at home. It’s not because none of my friends were there to go to for the movies. Like I said before, having alone time is sometimes what I need the most. I get to enjoy my thoughts and my presence. But that doesn’t mean I enjoy it always. I do it when I feel like I need a break.
I like to take the bus, sit and just take a few rounds. Go to the city and explore and walk around aimlessly not worrying about anyone but me. It feels good to sometimes let go and just focus on yourself at that moment. No one but just you.
Going for walks has also become my favorite way to spend some time alone. It feels nice to walk around with your headphones cranking up to those songs and walking. It truly feels blissful.
“I feel happy”
One of my main wishes is to Travel Solo. I want to know how it feels to explore an other country, it’s places and culture on your own. Just you and the whole world left to figure out. There will obviously be highs and lows, but that’s the challenge. To conquer it. I feel that you understand more and discover new aspects of yourself.
When I feel like I am losing touch with myself or am not happy, I just take some time out, reflect and think.
Sometimes, you want to do things by yourself and not with your friends. You just want to do it by yourself. So how do you get around to doing it? Honestly, I never figured it out. So I do not do it, because doing it with my friends is another sort of experience and a special one and it means a lot to them.
But what if you had plans of the same sort with your other friends? What to do then? Do what feels right and you think is right and the best for everyone and yourself.
So I would like to end on a final note by saying that go out and explore the world and yourself. It’s alright if you want to do it with others or by yourself.
As long as you are in the right mindset, happy and free, then you got nothing to worry about.
Different people have their own different ways of living life, it’s good to try new things and mix it up. If you don’t like it, you now know…
You don’t have to do it again
– Roshni Marath Jairaj