Lately

Lately it’s been a bit rough and tough.

It’s been a while I have posted. This has been in the works a lot because my mood and mindset have been in the works a lot. So I am going to try and jot down every feeling i have had in this one tiny post.

I am not active as I used to be and I would like to change that, so I am trying hard now. Trying to post when I can, and I know trying is not the only thing in this component, I have to find time and make it work. I don’t want to let this go and I am not planning to.

With uni deadlines, procrastination and being sick, it’s a bit hard. At times like these you wish you could stop the time, go back and change something about the way you done, or just hire someone to do the job or just be a better version of yourself.

I have been in a funk with myself lately. Not being happy deep inside, feeling left out and alone, being stressed about deadlines and submissions, missing home, being sick and dying of cough.

So what to do when you feel like you are stuck in the deep pit of sorrow and agony? What to do indeed?

Sometimes it takes time, it took me two weeks to get out of it, and I still am not out of it wholy. At times, I force myself to get out of it by pushing myself to atleast work for a bit. It proves to be helpful, debatable?

A lot of thoughts has been consuming my mind. Time at times is not in my favour, everything seems to be speeding too much, I need to get a lot done, I want to discover and grab the opportunities out there. I feel as if I am not doing enough.

I just had an interview for a job last week and I got it!! So now, I feel very relieved and half of my stress has come down. I feel a bit better than before. A lot to be honest. I have started to work on my essays and I am completing them before time.

Kids always do your work before time, atleast a week before, get your research done because the stress of stressing on it and not doing much is the worst. So that’s one friendly piece of advice I would like to give y’all.

So what to do to ease yourself when you find yourself in the tough spot?

  • Sometimes time just takes a bit longer than usual to help you, that’s what I have learnt. Just try changing something about the way you do things. When it comes to work, I find that getting a headstart is always good, so far it has helped me because I know how lazy I can get.

So I have been taking it one day at a time and it helped.ย 

  • Spend some time alone or with friends. Do it the way you want to. Try not to think about mind succumbing thoughts, so I think being with your friends takes your mind off it, but at the same time that is always there in the back of my mind. I overstress in my mind a lot and sometimes it gets me to really bad places and moments where I can’t breathe, think or just exisit.

It just continues and then stops. Then starts again.

  • I try and block out the world with my headphones and it’s music. ( Subtle promotion and of the fact that I have headphones)

 

  • Right now, what I am doing to get my mind off it and to realize what’s going wrong in my mind is by writing it down. It helps in a very subtle yet powerful way.

It’s a silent way to express myself to myself but comes with it the strong words and sentences that help me understand and gain a bit of clarity.

  • I wasn’t finding the right word until now to describe myself. I do not know if it’s a good or a bad thing but when I was talking to my best friend, we got to talking on what type of partner we look in for and she said that the guy who I end up with should deal with me and my mercurial self.

So that’s what I am doing. Trying to find a solution to contain this mercurial self or try to be in that one mood. I like to change my mood and mind often. I just can’t seem to stick it to one mood.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I write about the same thing over and over again just in different words, sentences, phrases and titles. Probably it’s just what I think of a lot. I do think of loads of things a lot but usually that happens in random outbursts during any time.

If only my brain was connected to a laptop or a piece of pen and paper that wrote every thought about every weird thing that I thought of. ( SIGH )

Wouldn’t that be one interesting piece to read about? It would also be a good way to orgainze my thoughts. Like I said writing helps me organize my thoughts.

Why can’t humans be organized like the way we organize our shevles, clothes and more? Like why can’t they be orgaznied like a librarry? How cool and wicked would that be? it would make my life so much easier but bland. I want a bit of mess and chaos to run wild and free in the human system. That’s what makes us so fascinating and intruguing to understand and learn about.

I am not much of an extrovert at all, I am in the midst of an introvert/ambivert leaning a tad bit more to the introvert side here because different place and people bring out a different version of me that is true always, but with people who I ain’t real close with, you could guess what happens. If not, I either get super super awakard and be silent or I just pretend to pay attention and talk.

Sometimes I am a walking singing dancing clumsy gal and then comes those days, where I want to be left out and be the most silent person in the world, and then comes the part of me which always thinks about weird dangerous stuff. I have a whole lot of moods that people haven’t seen yet and one day, I wish there was that one person I could show it to, be it a friend or a lover.

 

Right now, I feel alright. I got a majority of my course work done and as I prepare to end this piece, I am greeted with the pitter patter sounds of the rain hitting the glass and that of the ground.

All I see are the clouds and a dark night and in it pours down the rain that comforts me. All I wish, hope and pray is for the best to happen.

 

I guess when people ask me what I think of myself, I am just gonna be like

 

” I am mercurial.

I don’t know how to desrcibe myself.

I guess I am alright. ย “

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

I am upset

July 30th, 2018 Monday, 9:55pmย 

I am upset.

Yesterday, July 29th was the happiest day of my entire existence. I met my all time favorite actor and person who I deeply love and admire, Dulquer Salmaan, it was one of the most indescribable feelings ever, but that’s for another post. (That’s going to be a pretty huge one.)

Woke up at 6:30 in the morning, because well I slept early and daydreamed and woke up hungry because I didn’tย eat anything after I met him or before I met him. So I was only surviving on half a meal on the day I met him. There lies the reason that woke me up, Hunger.

The day started with eating leftover KFC, checking out how many likes and comments I got, replied to each and every one of them.

A few hours into the day, I see a text in my social group that bothered and managed to break me from my most magical trance and awe of still meeting him. Initially, I thought my friends didn’t get and understand how huge of a deal it is to me, but then I came to an understanding that, there are problems that are big and your friends need you to be there. Reality came back to kick me again. All I wanted was for a day to be still stuck in that trance but that got cut short, but yet that trance and that feeling would always stay with me.

I know they understood it, just the moment and timing of all this was wrong. But somewhere deep in my heart, the feeling couldn’t be shaken off.

Sometimes, even the most magical, special and wondrous moments of your life can just break in a matter of seconds and you need to be okay with it. You deserve to feel upset and angry but remember,

Sometimes, it’s not all about you and your big moment, because there are problems happening with family, good friends and the world, and you need to be there and care for them despite how much you crave it all. You need to be the bigger person in that big mind of yours filled with many other opinions and voices saying you not to do and care for yourself. Don’t do it for others, do it for yourself. They have done it for you, now it’s your time.

Sometimes, you can’t use that as an excuse or go back into that protective cocoon of that moment. You need to face it and realize that moment will always stay with you but life will move on and if you choose to get stuck in that moment for too long, you might not catch up with life and might miss out on something important.

Sometimes you need all the help you can and sometimes despite all the help or no help, you need to face your stories and experiences alone.

Sometimes, the fundamental laws of baisc human nature and the laws you have made needs to be broken.

Sometimes.

I knew it wasn’t gonna last, but it was good and extremely beautifulย while it lasted.

Then my day moved forward. I listened to my friend’s problems, I understood the pain and hardships my friend was facing and I understood why everything I experienced today had to happen. It was a lesson and a reminder in many ways.

The world is not as it seems, its a trick and a puzzle left for you to solve, you have to figure it all out, you can have help, but it’s you that needs to play the game of life.

Later, I caught up with my friend, talking to her felt great and well she has taught me a lot. Talking to her was the highlight of my day. That was a happy moment in my day. It’s been so long since talking to her, so when I talked to her, it felt fucking great. She understood how much the whole experience of meeting Dulquer meant to me and she could relate it as well because for her love for Beyonce. So, talking to her, I was able to once again bathe in the trance and the awestriking wonder for some time.

Later, much later into the day, I talked to my other friend who had the problem and learned a few things from her.

As night approached, that was when I officially claimed the title of being upset and sad. I can’t seem to catch a break, huh.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to go for a premiere for the movie, Cristopher Robin, and I was eagerly hoping for my dad to take me to the movie, but well at the last moment, life happened, job obligations, plans change.

I understand how difficult it is for him and the struggles he has to go through. Every single day, that fear does not leave me. Seeing him tensed, anxious and stressed every day is how my day always goes. When I am far away from them, it faded away but still keeps playing like a song that is stuck forever on loop. On top of that, other problems by him.

I know it’s selfish for me to still want my father to take me to the movie, but him dropping me there gives me a boost of confidence and well I did not want to be alone and lonely. I wanted him to be there and hug me. I just wanted him there.

My mom offered to accompany me a numerous amount of times, and trust me I wanted to say YES, but I didn’t want her to be all alone after I left, she is an innocent woman and well not familiar with the metro and everything. So whilst I was in the movie, I couldn’t bear the thought of my mom all alone sitting out in a corner in the big mall, So I said no but she still kept asking me and my answer still remained a firm no.

So I have learned that sometimes there are times and moments in life where you need to do things alone, despite the help you are going to get. If I would have said Yes to her request, what would I do the next time? I can’t always expect one of them especially my mom to be around.

So, I am learning. It’s really hard and trusts me, I want to give up, but I need to do this for myself.

And let alone this, my mother confides in me and shares some pretty upsetting news. Mahn, I really couldn’t seem to catch a break.

I am trying to get rid of this sadness, so I have decided to watch a movie, but couldn’t focus my mind on anything until I got it all out.

I didn’t want to upset my mom by telling all this, despite the number of times she has asked me why I was upset. Mothers, they know everything. Just watching my facial expressions, she understood that I was upset, but after a firm number of no’s, I think she finally understood to let it go. Or I might cry it all out in the night whilst hugging my mom and her comforting me.

I did say, I am trying to be strong, not greatly trying or succeeding, but still trying and learning.

I want to end this by quoting some lines of Riley Matthews from Girl Meets World from an episode Girl Meets Gravity. I don’t know if this contradicts the entire life lesson that I have just put for myself, but I felt it needed to be put in to remind myself and the world out there this one thing.

Riley Matthews: “The sun doesn’t go around the Earth. We are the ones moving. We orbit the sun because we need it. We need its light and its heat. And if it wasn’t there, we’d be dark and alone. We think that we are the center of the universe, but the truth is… we need to circle the ones we love for as long as they’re here. We need to hold them close because no matter how far we travel, they are the ones who hold us in place. It’s gravity, and without it, we’d just all float away from each other. We are not kings at all. We are just tiny little specs. That’s from “Our Town”, my father’s favorite play. Just for a moment, we’re all together. Let’s really look at one another.”

So, I guess what I am trying to say is we need to be there selves for each other and for ourselves. There are sometimes where we need to prioritize ourselves and there are sometimes where we need to prioritize our family, our friends, and the world. We should know when to do it. You can choose the way, there is always a choice and the consequences and the actions depend on that choice. It’s not a perfect world filled with perfect people. ย The only thing you can choose is how you deal with it.

That wasn’t so hard after all, I guess I just needed to write everything down from scratch, read it and gain some perspective. On the contrary, it was kind of hard going through this whole process, sorting and understanding, but well it’s worth it and I got a life lesson out of it.

 

So, this comes to an end. I kind of feel better from my previous state, but still, can’t shake that big cloud of sadness pouring down on me. I really should get to my movie before it’s too late to start watching and then unwind down by some sleep and probably some really nice dreams cause I am in dire need of it.

I am upset -> I am becoming alright

 

The End

( I am not putting a full stop yet because my story and life don’t end here. Life has a lot to teach and offer. So I am looking forward to it and also not. It’s a long open-ended journey that I am scared and nervous about but can’t wait to explore, uncover and discover. It’s going to be a journey filled with different stories, emotions and feelings.)