Lately it’s been a bit rough and tough.
It’s been a while I have posted. This has been in the works a lot because my mood and mindset have been in the works a lot. So I am going to try and jot down every feeling i have had in this one tiny post.
I am not active as I used to be and I would like to change that, so I am trying hard now. Trying to post when I can, and I know trying is not the only thing in this component, I have to find time and make it work. I don’t want to let this go and I am not planning to.
With uni deadlines, procrastination and being sick, it’s a bit hard. At times like these you wish you could stop the time, go back and change something about the way you done, or just hire someone to do the job or just be a better version of yourself.
I have been in a funk with myself lately. Not being happy deep inside, feeling left out and alone, being stressed about deadlines and submissions, missing home, being sick and dying of cough.
So what to do when you feel like you are stuck in the deep pit of sorrow and agony? What to do indeed?
Sometimes it takes time, it took me two weeks to get out of it, and I still am not out of it wholy. At times, I force myself to get out of it by pushing myself to atleast work for a bit. It proves to be helpful, debatable?
A lot of thoughts has been consuming my mind. Time at times is not in my favour, everything seems to be speeding too much, I need to get a lot done, I want to discover and grab the opportunities out there. I feel as if I am not doing enough.
I just had an interview for a job last week and I got it!! So now, I feel very relieved and half of my stress has come down. I feel a bit better than before. A lot to be honest. I have started to work on my essays and I am completing them before time.
Kids always do your work before time, atleast a week before, get your research done because the stress of stressing on it and not doing much is the worst. So that’s one friendly piece of advice I would like to give y’all.
So what to do to ease yourself when you find yourself in the tough spot?
- Sometimes time just takes a bit longer than usual to help you, that’s what I have learnt. Just try changing something about the way you do things. When it comes to work, I find that getting a headstart is always good, so far it has helped me because I know how lazy I can get.
So I have been taking it one day at a time and it helped.
- Spend some time alone or with friends. Do it the way you want to. Try not to think about mind succumbing thoughts, so I think being with your friends takes your mind off it, but at the same time that is always there in the back of my mind. I overstress in my mind a lot and sometimes it gets me to really bad places and moments where I can’t breathe, think or just exisit.
It just continues and then stops. Then starts again.
- I try and block out the world with my headphones and it’s music. ( Subtle promotion and of the fact that I have headphones)
- Right now, what I am doing to get my mind off it and to realize what’s going wrong in my mind is by writing it down. It helps in a very subtle yet powerful way.
It’s a silent way to express myself to myself but comes with it the strong words and sentences that help me understand and gain a bit of clarity.
- I wasn’t finding the right word until now to describe myself. I do not know if it’s a good or a bad thing but when I was talking to my best friend, we got to talking on what type of partner we look in for and she said that the guy who I end up with should deal with me and my mercurial self.
So that’s what I am doing. Trying to find a solution to contain this mercurial self or try to be in that one mood. I like to change my mood and mind often. I just can’t seem to stick it to one mood.
Sometimes, I feel like I write about the same thing over and over again just in different words, sentences, phrases and titles. Probably it’s just what I think of a lot. I do think of loads of things a lot but usually that happens in random outbursts during any time.
If only my brain was connected to a laptop or a piece of pen and paper that wrote every thought about every weird thing that I thought of. ( SIGH )
Wouldn’t that be one interesting piece to read about? It would also be a good way to orgainze my thoughts. Like I said writing helps me organize my thoughts.
Why can’t humans be organized like the way we organize our shevles, clothes and more? Like why can’t they be orgaznied like a librarry? How cool and wicked would that be? it would make my life so much easier but bland. I want a bit of mess and chaos to run wild and free in the human system. That’s what makes us so fascinating and intruguing to understand and learn about.
I am not much of an extrovert at all, I am in the midst of an introvert/ambivert leaning a tad bit more to the introvert side here because different place and people bring out a different version of me that is true always, but with people who I ain’t real close with, you could guess what happens. If not, I either get super super awakard and be silent or I just pretend to pay attention and talk.
Sometimes I am a walking singing dancing clumsy gal and then comes those days, where I want to be left out and be the most silent person in the world, and then comes the part of me which always thinks about weird dangerous stuff. I have a whole lot of moods that people haven’t seen yet and one day, I wish there was that one person I could show it to, be it a friend or a lover.
Right now, I feel alright. I got a majority of my course work done and as I prepare to end this piece, I am greeted with the pitter patter sounds of the rain hitting the glass and that of the ground.
All I see are the clouds and a dark night and in it pours down the rain that comforts me. All I wish, hope and pray is for the best to happen.
I guess when people ask me what I think of myself, I am just gonna be like
” I am mercurial.
I don’t know how to desrcibe myself.
I guess I am alright. “
– Roshni Marath Jairaj