Dancing At Two Am

As I was preparing to go to sleep, I decided to suddenly play some Hindi songs and let us say, I did not sleep for a very long time

I danced, pranced around my room imagining scenarios where I would get to perform these songs, weddings, parties and what not!

It was an amazing dance party! A party where my truest colours were lit around the entire room! I decided to let my best friend in on the secret and I sent her two videos of me just dancing and being my best!

After dancing to the fun songs, the romantic in me took over. Hindi romantic/sad songs for some reason have a strong grasp over my heart, the words, the rhtyhm, it makes sense. It makes you want to be in love and be in mutiple heart breaks just so you can imagine what it is like to go through those feelings in the song.

When I was a child, I asked my mom what these songs meant and she said they didn’t mean anything. They were just a bunch of words put randomly to create something for us to sing along. I trusted her blindly without question.

As I started to grow, I started to search for the answers to the questions myself. As I started to grow up, develop feelings and also understand the language more; I started to finally understand what everything meant.

What each moment of the song was trying to say and how I can possibly relate to it now or sometime in the future.

As I go back to listen to these songs, new feelings that were once not there are present as I listen to these old songs I once loved.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love and I beg to relate to it truly for at least once. With these songs, I am starting to understand and my heart wants more. The pain hits harder than ever before.

I guess that is what happens when you start to grow up and understand. You understand how complex and deep everything is rooted and once the wave hits, you sink in deeper.

The songs and movies that didn’t make sense suddenly make a whole lot of sense. Things I didn’t find once touching or meaningless now mean the whole world to me and are the most beautiful.

Why does everything mean different when you grow up and listen to it again? The meaning you thought back then was not what you think now.

When you close your eyes, concentre on nothing else but just the words and rhythm, you can slowly start to feel your heart clench, in pain or joy. I don’t know but what I feel now is pure truth and pain.

When my mother said that statement to me, did she really believe it and if she did, how did she even like the songs she liked back then if she believed they had no meaning. I bet she doesn’t remember that she told me this, but I remember every syllable as clear as day.

When those songs she liked played, why did she react if she believed they had no meaning? I guess she said that to stop the curious and annoying questions that I would ask her further.

Why am I doing this right now?

When small, many things don’t make sense and some do

When you start growing up, many things start to make sense and some still don’t do.

If any of you are interested, I will link down the songs I love to listen to that make me feel the most



Questions and Answers

( A white space surrounds the two people. The fog from the small window open creeps and settles in the room creating a hazy atmosphere.

Two black chairs are present in the middle of the white room with a black table separating them. They are on opposite sides of the table making it easier for them to talk

Various tools are kept on the table and the clock ticks but not so loudly where that tick becomes the only noise in the silent room.

They are on opposite sides of the table making it easier for them to talk)

Myself: I want you to just sit there and listen to me. When needed and appropriate, you may ask me questions to further question my thoughts but unless I say so, I do not want to hear an objection or a rebuttal. I just want you to sit there and listen to me.

Stranger: I understand, I will do as you asked me but before we begin. I want to know why me, a stranger? You could have had anyone but why choose to talk with a stranger?

Myself: I am sick of keeping every thought I have to myself and I want to share it with someone who doesn’t know me on any basis. I want to talk about things and begin a conversation on a new plate. I did not want to talk to anyone who knew of me because they will already have pre concived notions of me.

I wanted something different and some times a stranger seems to be the only one you can turn to because it feels liberating to talk to someone who doesn’t know you entirely so you can open up the deepest and darkest version of yourself withiut having to worry what they would think.

Stranger: I am not afraid. You can tell me whatever you wish and I will sit and listen. Now go on and liberate yourself.

Myself: I like my dark side. I have only imagined what it would feel like to embrace it and commit every sin I ever wanted. I do not know why I ever feel this way but that is what I felt. I always pushed it into the deepest corner of my heart telling myself this was all very foolish but I could not keep lying to myself any longer.

I wanted to know how it felt having someone’s life end by me. I wanted to be the reason to see true fear in their eyes. I tried it for the first time, I don’t think I enjoyed it very much but I liked it. I did it again and then I did not know when and how to stop.

With each people, I got a bit better and versatile.

No one wanted to listen to how I truly felt. No one ever bothered to ask how I was doing. No one ever bothered to find out anything. So I decided I wanted to do my sin.

Stranger: How did it feel?

Myself: Liberating…

Stranger: Why did you feel the way you felt before you did your sins? Why do you say no one listened?

Myself: I do not know. I had the best of friends. They were there for me when I needed them and I guess I was there for them as well. I had fun times with them but none of my friends knew what I hid.

I felt like I wanted to talk but I couldn’t bring myself to it and in the case of my family, I felt by talking about my deepest feelings would concern or disappoint them. I felt at distress even at the thought of having to open up to people who knew me well.

Stranger: I understand why you chose to talk to a stranger now. Starting on a new front, very few people get that chance. I hope you don’t mind me asking but could you tell me how you did it?

What made you choose me and the people before me?

Myself: I do not know what reason to give. I guess I went with what my heart felt and well also with a bit of research. I was afraid of robbing the world of someone too good and pure, so I had to make sure.

Not that you were not good or pure, you did your sins and you know.

As for my process, I can tell you it is quite theatrical and simple. Something you might see in a movie but painted with a dose of reality.

A new person, a new different approach is what I go for many of the times.

I sit him/her down on the cold white floor that has not been used for a while. In the background, I play them their final song so that they can have something beautiful to listen to when they depart.

Each night would be a different song with a different person. I am going for the vibe I feel. Whilst the track plays, I listen to the words and then look out to the person sitting in front of me. I notice what they are doing in their final moments. I sit there and observe.

As the final note gets ready to end, I decide it’s time. I go behind, then choose a tool to slit their throat and watch the blood flow onto the white floor. What a beautiful colour, the blood. It would not be like the movies where the blood splatters. It would be like blood flowing gracefully to paint a picture.

I watch for a while and then decide to end the suffering. I do not know how I would end it but quick and easy is what I would go for. I guess my technique depends on the person and their virtues.

For a person with not so virtuous sins, slow and painful might be the route I would travel on and for the opposite, slow but quick is what I would choose.

After they depart, I get up from my chair, switch off the lights and leave. I do not look back because the show has ended.

Stranger: I see. It is interesting to hear what you said and I am sorry no one wanted to listen. Maybe they tried to make the effort but maybe you were not ready for it. I do not know what else to say but I am happy you talked your heart out. No secrets to burden you. You are liberated right? That is what matters.

I would like to ask you one more question. I apologise in advance if I have offended you but I need to know.

Have you ever considered killing someone close to you? Would you do it?

Myself: I am not surprised you would ask me that. I don’t know why, I expected it to be asked. Since no one asked, I did not think of an answer and now that I have been asked, I guess..

I guess when it comes to my family and my friends. I have thought about it but I would never commit it. I don’t think I could stand the thought of having their deaths by me. I don’t think my heart has it to look at their eyes as their life leaves them.

Stranger: A selfish answer but understandable. So now that I am done with the questions, do you have anything you would like to say?

Perhaps an other conversation before I am liberated of my sins.

Myself: No. No more conversation.

( puts on a song from a carefully curated list)

So, Here is the deal, you listened and that is all I ever wanted. You listened giving it all you got while others listened in sheer fear.

I forced them but they didn’t listen. I forced you but you listened.

So here is what. I will let you choose. Slow and quick? Easy and quick? Slow and painful? Easy and painful?

Stranger: Slow, easy and quick. Would that be possible? I would like to relish my life one last time before I leave. I do not do well with pain.

Myself: Your wish is my command.

(takes the decorating knife from the varied selection and slits throat leaving an extravagant design on my neck)

Stranger: (Watches with all curiosity and confusion) What does this mean? Why?

Myself: (mustering up all the courage and strength for one last sentence) You listened.

The lights start to flicker. The colour fades, the room disappears, yet the tools on the table still remains.

Stranger: (wakes up groggily and confused) Where am I ?

Myself: That was quite the sleep you had there. You must be very confused now.

All what happened in your sleep was defintely true except for the last. That is what I call your imagination taking the best of you. You do not need to know the details of how and when your imagination took the best of you.

Everyone before you listened, doesn’t mean it makes you special enough for me to give you up.

So, now that is done, I am sure you are well rested for what I have in store for you.

(Muffled screams try to escape the room but of no avail, stranger cannot be heard and will never be heard. Creative and intruguing ways to kill are being done with different tools. A new person, a new different approach.

The screams stop, the walls are decorated with red. The job is done. Out the black door, I walk out with a smile plastered on my face.

I have done my confession and my sin.

Who next? )

The Liebster Award

When I first saw the notification, I couldn’t believe it. I have been nominated for the The Liebster Award. This was my first time ever being nominated on an award and I can’t believe I got nominated!! I have always wanted to get nominated and it actually happened!! I can’t believe it!!

Rules

  1. Thank the blogger(s) who nominated you.
  2. Share 11 facts about yourself.
  3. Answer the 11 questions the blogger(s) asked you.
  4. Nominate 11 bloggers and make them happy!
  5. Make up to 11 questions and ask them to your nominees.
  6. Notify your 11 nominees.

Thank you very much Manoj Mehra for nominating me for this award!! Do check out his blog as there are some very creative and inspirational pieces. (https://believestrong.wordpress.com/author/manojmehra2610/)


My 11 Facts

  1. I am from India and I have lived in Dubai for 18 years and now I live in Singapore. I study in Nottingham, United Kingdom
  2. If I could watch movies and shows all day, I WOULD!! I love them!!
  3. I am an introvert and a mix of an ambivert. I tend to not reveal a lot about myself. I have a problem sharing many of my life details with my friends and family.
  4. I really want to travel and discover more of the world
  5. I am an over thinker and I have many thoughts that pop up in my head
  6. I love to listen to music. I pretend to be in music videos when I listen to songs. Different songs give me different emotions.
  7. I love my mom, dad and my grandparents a lot. Their opinions matters to me a lot.
  8. I love spending time with my best friends. I have noticed that throughout my life, whatever friends I make, they end up being my best friends. Not all the friends, but many of them tend to be my best friends.
  9. I love to read books, sometimes I buy a lot of books and maybe do not read 1 of them. Guilty as charged.
  10. I love to dream and fantasize. If I could live in my fantasies, I would.
  11. Sometimes I pretend to have my own talk show or be in a talk show. Who doesn’t??

Answers for questions asked by Manoj

  1. Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging because I wanted a way to release my feelings and thoughts. It was becoming too much to keep it all in and I love to write. Writing was how I dealt with my emotions, thoughts and feelings. It gave me peace. I like having the creative control in my hands. I can do anything I want with words and turn them to a tool for me.

2. What would you like to change in your country and why?

I would like my country to be not very corruptive and be more peaceful. I would like for everyone to express their opinions without getting bullied. I would like for girls and women to be safe and not be afraid of the society and the country. I would like for my country to be happy.

3. What is your favourite country and why?

I like many countries, I do not have a favourite. If I had to choose a favourite country to live, it might be UK or USA because I love big cities and also nature. They have both.

4. On what basis do you/will vote in elections?

I would vote on the basis of how much good they would do for the country and the people. I would vote on the type of person they are. I do not want my vote to go in the hands of the wrong people.

5. One person to whom you want to apologize and why?

I would like to apologise to my mom for every mistake, fight and sadness I have caused to her.

6. What is your favorite movie?

This is a very hard question to answer because I love many movies and many of them are my favourites. If I had to choose, it would be Zindagi Na Milegi Doobara. An English movie would be V For Vendetta.

7. What is your favorite TV series or show?

Teen Wolf!! That show made me so happy and so emotional!!

8. Who is your favorite actor?

In the Malaylam industry: Dulquer Salmaan

In Hollywood: Christian Bale and Heath Ledger

9. Who is your favorite actress?

Emma Stone

10. Who is your favorite singer?

Band: Maroon 5, Panic! At The Disco, One Direction

Artist: Sabrina Carpenter and Zayn Malik

11. What is your favorite food?

Biryani!!


People who I am going to nominate!!

I would like to nominate everyone to do this but more so I would love to see my best friend Raveena do this!! I also am nominating a few people who I would love to see them do this and they do desreve this nomination!!

  1. https://raveenanigam.wordpress.com
  2. https://kiwikatastrophes.wordpress.com
  3. https://onthemiddlepath.com
  4. https://thesparklingwords.wordpress.com
  5. https://stoneronarollercoaster.wordpress.com
  6. https://rahulgaurblog.com
  7. https://thedentedsoul.wordpress.com
  8. https://indigoslife3.wordpress.com

Here are your questions.

These questions are open to anyone!! I would love to read all of your answers!!

  1. Why did you start blogging/writing?
  2. Biggest dream that you want to accomplish?
  3. What is a quote that you would live by? Or what is your favourite quote?
  4. What is your favourite colour and why?
  5. What is your best memory and why?
  6. If you had a super power what would it be and why?
  7. If you were able to act in any movie or show, which one would it be and why?
  8. If you had the chance to make a best friend group, which 4 famous people would be in it and why?
  9. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
  10. The first thing you would do when you become a millionare.
  11. What is your favourite conspiracy theory and why?

Thank you all very much for following me and reading my work!! It means a lot to me and I can’t wait to see what holds in the store for me!!