I think and feel way too much. (Part 2)

This is a sequel to the first installation of the series.

Why you may all wonder ( or if you don’t wonder, it completely fine as well ) These kinds of emotions are life long and it can’t be only contained in one post. So this is gonna be a small series.

How I came to be like this?

This overly humane emotional side of me came after the start of my uni journey. I am telling you, this journey of mine in uni has taught me a lot about people, life and myself. It’s a total game changer. (That story is for another time.)

As I was saying, I was always emotional and cried to movies especially too Disney where the movies were about animals. Like The Fox and the Hound, Dumbo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Lilo and Stitch, Coco, Up, Wall-E, Lion King, Wreck it Ralph, Inside Out, Two Brothers and so much more

( OH GOD, even writing about this makes me cry and so upset)

Some of the movies do have their happy endings but you know there are those moments that you cant contain yourself and you need to spill out the waterworks despite all the people there with you and I have never been afraid to cry out loud in theatres. I am always the sobbing mess. Gosh, for avengers infinity war part 1, the ending. When I watched it, I was basically dead in the mind and no words were able to be formed. My mind was destroyed and blank because of the terror I had gone through.

English movies have a separate form of a genre in me, just for crying. Now comes Malayalam movies, the worst tool of all to make me cry just in a matter of seconds. This recently made its entry into the genre list. The reason why Uni again.

So after uni began and well me being apart from my family, oceans and seas away, it really got to me. So Malayalam songs and movies were the antidote to help me cope up with the fact that I was away from home and also brought me closer to home because many of these songs, my mom had sung to me when I was a child and the movies were the bonding moments for me and my family.

Old malu movies, songs and one song from the movie and the movie itself ” How old are you” were the ones that got to me the most because they reminded me so much of my mom and the fact that she wasn’t beside me just got to me. The plot of that movie and the actress reminds me so much of my mother, that I break. I cry and cry and then I call my mom and she calms me down. Then I feel better.

Usually, this process takes place in midnight when I cant go to sleep or when I miss my mom too much, or simply, I decide to torture myself by doing this process and I know it’s going to make me upset but I still go for it.

Sometimes I just set the trap for myself and I know how deep I am going to get in, but that doesn’t stop me from doing so.

Maybe you need it sometimes in your life.

( PS: As you can see, I am really attached to my mom, it’s because we have gone through a lot and she has done so much for me, I just can’t imagine a life without her in it. She has sacrificed a lot for me and sometimes, I wonder why so and what I have done to deserve it.

People often make fun of the amount of “maluness” I have but I am so proud of it and I would never change it.

Life and it’s troubles just stick with you, promises to leave but does take a lot of time to act upon it. That could also be a reason as to why I think and feel too much. Then watching the news and troubles of the world also makes me upset, and then of my friends and family. Overall it’s tedious process but somewhere deep in my heart, I think everything happens for a reason, but why does bad things have to happen to good people. For what reason is that?

People change, the world changes. I think why, there have been people I know for so long and been so close with, when they change, I wonder why.

We grew far apart, I have tried my best, what could I do more? These kind of things make me upset and think too much. What more could I have done? Well faults could have been made by me, but I am ready to fix it.

But then I think if they aren’t willing to fix it or bring it back to normal, then they aren’t interested. Probably I should stop trying to fix things that were broken or meant to be. It’s how the world works. It takes both the parties to make it work, Can’t do all the job by myself. Probably for the best. I console myself by telling this and I try to accept it. Someday I might, but I am doing a better job of it tho.

Sometimes, tho I think it’s for the good, just searching for the reasons how and why.

So goodbye for now. This is never the end.

I think and feel way too much.

( This blog has been written long before, This could be a little throwback. A piece based on the workings of the mind in me.)

I think I am an over-thinker. It certainly does not have its perks.

I tend to over think about every situation I have or will be in, every comment I have made, ever mistake that I have done, why people don’t reply to me on time, why the tone changes in both text and communication, when the person begins a talk with I want to talk to you about something, before understanding or knowing what the person is about to tell me, I freak out and immediately create hypothetical situations in mind.

The above instance is not even the ones, to begin with. There is so much more. I feel very stressed out and tensed for the tiniest things of life.

I think about the future way too often in the night because nights have always known to be the embodiment for dreadful and serious thinking and thoughts.

I love my mom, dad and my grandparents way too much, I don’t think I can function without them. They are a huge part of my world, they are my world and if anything happens to them, it breaks my whole system. My whole universe would shatter into an infinite number of pieces and since I am the only child, that thought of being alone scares me a lot because I will have no one to call as my own.

Who will I run to if I want to talk to about the tiniest happiest moments of life?

Who will I run too if I want to burst out and cry?

Who will advise me when I am insecure and broken?

My mother is the one that I possibly cannot live without. Every day I live in constant fear of her leaving me. It is something that I can’t imagine and when I do, the future does not look right. I see a world dark and broken.

Like these many thoughts rush through my mind.

I think of past instances on how I have been mean to people and how I could go back and change it all. I think about the mistakes I have done and the big truths I have hidden from my family and friends (ps: to my best friends, I haven’t done much wrong to them, but I think I am wrong, but to other friends, I have and god I wish I could go back and reverse many moments.)

I wish I could change it all and live without that guilt in me. That’s the thing about guilt. You have no idea on when it’s going to come and creep up on you. It never leaves your side.

I have gone through that lane way too many times and still am. To one of my friend, I had promised to stay with her during the vacations but I failed to do my promise at the very last moment because I needed to go back and see my family because I was missing them way too much and I nearly cried every day because of not being with them. I left her alone. I know what I did was wrong and god, I wish I could have made a decision about it earlier and so suddenly.

But, you know those moments right? Am I a bad person? I honestly don’t know anymore. I do regret leaving her but at the same time, I just had to come back to just be myself and be with them. It was getting too much and I knew I would just break soon. I had to do something before I got damaged real bad, but that still doesn’t function as a good reason for leaving her. God….

The nights I have had thinking about this every single time has made me sleepless and just blame myself too much.

Like that, many such instances have come up, not betraying ones. The embarrassing ones I could have avoided and me still furiously thinking about it.

Then there are those ones where my entire life comes to a question. I have a theory about life. Its absurd and I know it. I have told people this and they just look at me in a very weird way.

So here goes my theory, I think that I am in a deep sleep/choma or probably dead and this life that I am living is probably a creation of my mind, I might have created these characters and accurate details of life or I know these characters from before. I don’t know.

Sometimes this theory makes a lot of sense.

So when I actually go to sleep, what about the dreams I have? They must be well created and thought too or it’s just me taking a well-deserved break. Dreams within dreams within dreams. I honestly question everything.

I don’t act on it a lot but my mind sure does.

( This theory has not been inspired by inception before, I saw Inception recently, like a few days back, this theory had been stuck with me through thick and thin since 11th grade. Maybe i might have seen Inception in an alternate universe or maybe in one of my dreams. God I am not so sure but am sure. )

Majority of the times, trying to doze off and sleep proves to be a difficult task because of the numerous countless thoughts that I have.

One thought leads to another and it is an endless vicious loop. How I get myself to sleep is by creating stories and fantasies in my mind. It proves to be a hell lot of effective because I have no idea on when idea and how I came to sleep. I love sleeping tho, I could spend hours and hours sleeping. It’s a beautiful activity.

You know when going to sleeping is an easy task? It is an easy task when you are too tired and exhausted and you hit the bed and you just fall asleep. Those are the best kinds of well-deserved sleep to ever exist.

I think about my past moments a lot, especially the ones that made me sad and happy. I tend to think about just living in those happy moments forever and not leaving that world ever. I wish I could do that but life and reality sure do have its way of sailing in rough seas. Sometimes, I feel I am way too stuck in the past and sometimes, overthinking about the future.

There are those very few moments that I have lived in the moment but at some of those moments, I overthink about how it is going to end soon and always wished it would last for long. I am truly happy in the moments that I get but I can’t help but wonder on how it could have lasted longer.

Right now as I am writing this, I am in the second month of my four-month vacation from uni and can’t help but pray every time for the vacation to go as slow as possible because I don’t want it to end and I am not ready for it to end.

I try to spend as much time as possible with my mom but sometimes you know, Netflix and then time just flashes by and I feel I have not spent enough time with her and my friends.

The thing is when I am at home with them, I know they are with me and I don’t need that constant need to stick with her throughout and talk because she is there in this very air as me, it’s when I am closer to leaving, it hits me on why I didn’t spend that much time but then now, it’s different. It’s all too different.

Overthinking every aspect of life gets dreadful.

Back in uni, my parents always make sure I have enough money for food and for expenditures and in certain cases, I have spent a lot of money unnecessarily without thinking on the hard work my dad does to earn and send me that money, which makes certain people think I am way too rich but I am not that rich. Yes, we have money but what people don’t understand is that my dad works way too hard for that and right now, he is having some crisis, and god how I wish I could help him.

Despite all that, they make sure to never complete all my wishes and they have always given me the good life despite the hard lives they live through every second of their day especially my mother.

Every night, I think about the remarks that I am too rich and I wish I could tell people that it’s not how they think it is. They have put their entire life savings into my education and have gone in debts and yes I spend quite a bit, and I see why people make that statement but it just gets to me when that remark is every single time.

My mom and dad have given me the best life and that’s why they send me the money, they don’t want to see me upset. It’s not that they have too much money to give, it’s that they will do anything for me and sometimes I have taken way too much advantage of that.

I have lived life adjusting and I know I can adjust to some things but also not some of it. Very few people know some things about me and I wish I could be more open.

I always think about my future and my goals, I don’t tell it to many people, only to people I am close to, and it’s my dream/mission/goal to show my mom the world and make her live with me because she has done so much for me and I want my mom to be the happiest person ever.

Back in uni, I always wonder on what has happened to the real me that makes me me and on how I still find it hard to express and open myself up despite the good friends I have.

I still can’t give that realness to them. I am not being fake. I have just become way too shut off and I wasn’t like that. I just don’t talk much because sometimes I feel people would just overpower me and like I don’t know. So when I am back home, I just am happy because I get to be me again.

I am not entirely saying that I am not me, there are just a certain few aspects that I think won’t change.

These are the thoughts that come to my mind every single time.

( UPDATE:  There are some things that have changed now, but I am not sure yet which of them. So I am taking my time to learn.

Publishing this post suddenly made me get my closure about certain things with myself. I feel a bit better, relieved and happy. )

In the moment

Monday, July 2nd, 2018          11: 21pm

I mentioned the time and date to state that this blog was an on spur feeling.

Got inspired to write this piece after watching Dear Zindagi, a brilliant and one of my favorite Hindi movies and also from Zindagi Na Milegi Doobara (ZNMD), that I am currently watching. Right now, the intro song is being played, and damn it’s a really motivating song and just flows into my mood right now.

Both these movies have excellent start casts and what just makes it better and so simple yet unique is the plot, the character development and the stories.

Then it got me thinking about my life, family and friends. How I wish to acquire certain traits of those characters and how I want to find friends like those. But then, I already know that I have found them. They have been with me my whole life, but you know I still can’t help but wonder about the movie characters and how splendid it would be to be a close tight group of friends with them. There is always a but lurking around, I am trying to let go of that but, but again it becomes hard, but I am trying. Eventually, it might fade away but it also might not.

The below two gifs are of Dear Zindagi and ZNMD respectively.

 

 

 

 

 

Right now the “cookie comedy scene” is going on and I have got to tell you it’s hilarious. I have got to try the trick sometimes. The trick is you tell someone that you know something about them and automatically all the secrets spill out like a water fountain!! I am laughing so hard at this scene and the dialogue delivery so much!!

I have had so many moments like these with my friends, not the tricky sort of thing but happy silly special goofy serious conversations and I am telling you, I wouldn’t trade it up ever. Those have made me who I am.

Sometimes, I wish some of the people I know could also see it but then well, I just don’t feel or connect with them that entire 100%. It’s not them. It’s me. You know what I mean right?

So after I had gone to uni, I have heard some pretty great stories from my various people and friends, when they ask me about the “great fun stories” I have had, I don’t have much to tell them because it’s nowhere near as bomb or exciting as their life stories. But you know what, that doesn’t make me upset of the fact that I don’t have such great stories to share.

In my own way and life, I have plenty of stories to share, I just don’t think those are the types you would particularly like or you might but well it just never comes up. I have shared some of them but to some people, it just doesn’t seem well exciting when compared. And honestly I kind of feel bad and sad for those kinds of people who think that life needs to be filled with exciting and big stories to bond over and talk about or to determine whether my life has been interesting or not. Maybe I haven’t seen a side to them that don’t think so but the side I have seen, well I am not a fan of it.

In my own little head, despite however small or big that story is, it is significant, and we shouldn’t be the judges to decide whether that qualifies as to how exciting or interesting or productive our lives have been.

For me, it’s the small moments, conversations I have with friends, the hangouts, the family talks, the small family stories and incidents, my cartoon watching obsession, my immaturity and small moments like these, watching movies and laughing, crying over them alone, with family and friends, travelling, creating up insane shit, writing and many more are my big stories. I am proud of it.

I wish I could tell it to them you know, but then I just can’t muster up the courage to tell them because I just don’t feel that close or real with them, but, when writing, it’s just so easy and different.

Words and feelings pour into this and I feel at peace. My mind is almost free because I write every thought that is popping into my brain and then my hands without thinking just write down every one of these thoughts onto this. You must have noticed, I said “almost free”, I said this because I am still on the firsts of opening up and learning to be not scared of the people/friends and their judgments/confrontations after reading this.

It’s going to be tough but I am trying to learn and be well more one step closer to trying to sort out myself. When I feel like just abandoning this train of sorting myself out, I am going to remind myself to come back and read this and understand why I decided to write and do this.

I was always serious about writing, but I was just too lazy and well I didn’t know exactly what to write about. I had different phases of writing, and they are all evident on my Instagram page, the page that shows an entire development of myself. That’s why I love my bio so much because it shows the growth of me as a person and well as a writer. One of the places where I can be myself and not be afraid, considering how ironic it is that many people follow and see this goofiness that in person with them, I cant give my 100% “Roshniness” to them.

At least I am glad that there are some very few people I could show it to and be like that. I am so thankful and happy for that.

So why I decided to write now?

Because I am ready and it feels right now. It feels relaxing to let it all flow into my writing. My thoughts are set free and well, I have been keeping things in way too long after I had gone to uni and this writing has started to feel like a new start to opening up and more like therapy for me as well. It feels meditating.

As I was reading through my piece, I didn’t justify or give you a proper reason as to why those movies inspired me to write this at this time while watching the movie right now.

It’s because there are some things that need to be done in the moment. This happened to be just one of those “in the moments”

I will tell you in more detail on why Dear Zindagi to me is a movie that just connect to me and why ZNMD makes me wish for certain things. Both these movies have a vibe and connect to them that I just feel at home at.

By now you will understand, my thoughts are like the wind, scattered all over the place and blowing in every different direction. Like the direction the way, it flows from slow to fast. It’s just unpredictable and sort of random. Again, just like how I feel and my thoughts. My thoughts jump from one cloud to another, each varying of a different topic and sometimes the same, just slightly different or maybe the same.

Actually, I will tell you right now on why those two movies especially Dear Zindagi hits me to the feels.

I believe that when one is in the zone, you should just let them flow with it and soak it in. Don’t interrupt them. Then you speak and then be in the zone. Let everyone be in the zone. ( It works differently in different situations and is also applicable in certain situations. You know when.)

The movie has no relation to my life whatsoever, but you know there is a special and different kind of connect that I get. I learned quite a lot from that movie and when I feel down, I sometimes watch that movie to well learn and be happy. The song ” Love you dear Zindagi” is the song that gives me genuine happiness and positivity. That song and the other songs and the movie itself does wonder to me.

Right now, in ZNMD, the diamond biscuit song is going to be sung in a few seconds and I can’t help but laugh because of a very fond memory that I had in school.

Why so, it’s because my friends and myself sang this song as a school project maybe in 8th grade. The same concept and tune. Gosh, it was so fun. When I still watch it, I laugh and cringe so much. Like that one more video ad comes to my mind, my 12th-grade marketing project about Netflix. The ad I made, god it was so awkward and made me, my partner, the class and my teacher laugh so hard that they watched it again because they couldn’t get over it.

See, these are the big stories and moments of life. It’s the everyday laughter and smiles that result to some of these big ones.

In ZNMD, the concept of friendship is what got to me the most, reminds me of my best friends from school, the ones that are always going to be my best special closestttttt friends and no one new ever has been added to that list despite the number of new good friends I have made. It’s just that group knows me in and out, and it just feels right being it that way. The song ” Paint it red” in ZNMD is just proving to be so nostalgic right now.

Right now, at this very moment, I am in my zone and there is nothing to stop the words to flow out from me. I am being free.

So as I was saying about ZNMD, that three friends reminds me of my special girls S and A, because I want to respect the privacy. So we all are the only children and my dad thinks that’s the way how we all became really close and just connected. Ever since 4th grade, we have become inseparable. I can’t remember exactly when we all just stuck and got together cause it’s honestly been ages and way too long. It’s still going strong. We have planned to do a trip like the one that they did in movies either to Shimla or somewhere else. Waiting for that “someday” to happen.

And like that pact, there is one more pact that I had made with my other group of musketeers, to sneak back to our old school grounds, sit on the fields, talk late in the night. I am waiting for that “someday” to happen as well with K,D and D.

Like that, I have a bucket list of moments and wishes I have. That’s for another time.

It’s 12:20 and I am going to stop writing now. Time for me to watch the rest of the movie.

See you soon, amigos!!