My love feels blue

I feel blue

Blue has so many layers that I swim in

I dwell in those deep shades of blue

It has the layer of joy

It has the layer of sadness

I crave it for the warmth 

I crave it for it’s wintry crisp

I crave it for it’s gloomy storms

Blue is an appetite that always stirs up my senses and affections

I like to drown myself into the void of blue

It masks what I feel and dream about 

My love feels blue 

A blue that is desolate, A blue that wants to invite, A blue that fears, A blue that clenches and hopes, A blue that is alone.

I dream about love

A love so great

A love that I may never find 

I dream of love in my dreams and fantasies 

My fantasies are filled with love and the lust of it

I am happy in it, I feel connected and safe

I feel the happiest when I feel them

It feels so surreal, in that moment I feel almost complete as I stand on an edge that prevents from making the cross over to the other side

It is a sense of joy and warmth that I cannot explain 

How can dreams make me feel so safe and warm

Why do I dream of love every time I lie down to slumber 

Do I crave it so much that I need to dream in order to have it? 

I am afraid of not finding it 

I am afraid that there is no one out there who could love me

My brain forms many stories about love, many fantasies but I am afraid it is all too false in this world 

I blame the songs and films I listen and watch with so much of heart 

I blame the worlds of the stories I explore 

I blame myself for falling into a trap that I am afraid I can never get out of 

I blame myself for letting it all fall into me 

I blame myself for letting them cross over the walls I never built, the walls that were meant to not let it happen

But through these songs, movies, stories and dreams I live and breathe it all

I do not want this to ever stop yet it keeps slicing and wounding deeper and deeper

I dream of a love where he never lets go and stays beside me 

I dream of a love where we stay up all night admist the barren land looking at the stars above us and listening to songs that were meant for this very moment 

I dream where we dance under the stars all night long…

I dream of a love where we both understand and love each other to the fullest despite our differences and faults 

I dream of a love so raw, intense and passionate 

I dream of a love where there is understanding, communication, respect, integrity, loyalty and all the goodness associated with it

I dream of a love where we both maintain our own individualities

I dream of a love where we still can live and survive without each other but we choose not to because we are so in love

I dream of a love where we travel and discover 

I dream of it all that I have now lost count 

I see other people and their great love stories and I wonder am I asking for too much or am I simply not worth it any time soon or ever? 

I am happy with what I have right now in this present time 

But why do I always crave for that feeling 

In the back of the corners of my mind, I wait in search for that love 

I not only want to accept the joy and lust of love but also would invite the heart break along with it 

I gladly accept the pain that it will bring into my life

I will gladly welcome the gut wrenching hurt along with it, the hurt when things turn array

I will gladly soak myself with the pain that no words could ever describe 

I welcome it all and accept the consequences as well 

I am still in hopes

I patiently wait and wait as my mind tells me there is a time and place for it all

When I am ready, it will come and seek me or do I go searching for it? 

How will I ever know? 

What if I have someone far far away but the world lets it be, never giving us a chance to ever cross paths? 

How will I ever know? 

Will you ever hand me down a sign? 

Someday, when I acquire my love, I will still feel blue but I will be swimming into the new shades of blue, a blue that is left waiting to be dwelled into…

I want to love

I want to be loved…