The Joker’s Naughty Sister

Brought to you by my Nightmares

I have written down every detail I could remember from this one. This nightmare stuck to me the most and also from many of the frightening nightmares, I remember this very vividly.

I made sure I remembered all the details by going over them again and again while trying to sleep because I wanted to write this down. I have been thinking about writing my dreams for a while and this helps.

Sometimes, I think by fixating over these details over and over, the nightmare would come back but it never has. Instead a new one comes every night.

I have put names of the people who were in my dreams by their starting and ending letter of the name in “quotes”.

It starts now…

The dream starts by I boarding the metro to a destination. When I stepped out, it seemed like I was in China Town. I figured so because of the atmosphere, the buildings, the unknown language and the markets. The strange thing was rather than expecting to find what one finds in China Town, I found that it was markets of Harry Potter instead.

The town was abandoned. I was alone. It seemed like some thing out of an apocaplyse but with everything still managing to look fresh.

Each store was a theme related to Harry Potter and this one particular store caught my eye. I guess it was a cafe and outside the entrance were the statues of Harry, Hermione and Ron pointing their wands casting a spell at the store. It was an interesting sight for the eyes.

An unknown sense of cold filled the town and I knew I needed to get out. I felt this dread within. I tried searching for a way to get out. I walked back and forth and around to find a way out.

I don’t what happened next in the dream but now I was at the metro. This metro had connections to the entire world and could take me anywhere. I saw the metro rush behind the glassed doors carrying passengers or something else. I am not sure anymore.

I went down to the platform to ask someone for help and I got helped. I needed to get to Burjuman, a mall in Bur Dubai. I did not know what for, all I knew was that I was headed there.

I stood on the shaking compartment and proceeded to look out at the views outside. It was different but appealing. I saw buildings achieve various architectural feats. Among the many buildings, I saw this one building have the most beautiful stained glass allowing various colours to be seep into the glass building. Those stained glasses had pictures that told stories. Sadly, I did not know what they told.

Now, I was at the airport with my mom and we were in a lounge. This lounge seemed like it was meant for people travelling in an elite class. The lounge was spacious and it had red floors and golden curtains hang. The place gleamed.

There were many tables and six chairs surrounded each one. It was the most fanciest and sophistcated place I have ever been in.

I don’t think I was in the right attire for this atmosphere.

Myself and my mom walked down this big lounge and we find our old neighbours seated at the table right in the middle. It was the mother “M.Y” and her daughter “M.A.L”. It looked like we all were having a jolly time, with choclate mouse on the table for all of us to dig in.

Out of nowhere, this Malayali actor Suresh Gopi comes and decides to sit with us. He sits next to me.

There were 6 chairs at the time, two taken by mom and myself, two taken by the other mother and daughter and one taken by the actor. The other chair was not taken. For some reason I do not rememeber the sixth chair being there but I knew it was. My gut says so.

Suddenly, I find the actor and myself sitting on my chair. I was sitting on a very tiny space of the chair and I was half hanging out but somehow I managed to sit just fine and then numbers of the chair reduced from 6 to 5. I frankly don’t understand the logic of this.

There were 5 occupied chairs but how was the actor still in my chair if the fifth chair were occupied?

The space seemed much smaller and more intimate. I started to panic and with my heart racing out of my chest, I rushed from there.

I did not know where my legs took me but now I was in a small movie theatre hardly with 30-50 seats in it. I saw four of my old high school friends, now who I no longer keep in touch with.

“T.L and J.E” stood on the right side of the theatre while “M.A and A.I” stood on the left. They had concerned looks on their face while watching me break into this paranoia.

I broke down on the stairs. I knelt down and remained there saying to them that I was convinced that I was in some sort of experiment, being controlled, being watched. I was convinced the whole world was in on this. It felt as if I was in a psycholigcal thriller. I was missing the bigger picture, the bigger lie.

Those four people stook there trying to tell something, something in the lines of “what you are thinking is not true, it is nothing of that sorts.”

I was on the main stage now, in front of the big screen, down on the floor. As I rushed towards the door, I found the joker stand. This joker looked different. This joker took the form of Milley Cyrus, a rather frightening version of her. Her hair all tangled in knots, pale white skin, colours of green and purple bled on her face and in her hair. She looked into my eyes viciously with meaning.

In seconds, I found myself spring upright, mere inches away from her face and then I saw what terrified me the most. Her eyes sewn shut. I could see the black thread stitched in and out of her eyes. Her eyes opened.

I was now a few feet apart from her and the Joker. This Joker was now the Joker I was used to seeing in movies. The Joker played by Heath Ledger and then beside him stood that being.

I do not know if you know this, but there is this black board above some of the movie halls that show the movie they are about to play or the ongoing movie in that hall. That board appeared above the movie screen and showed the title “The Joker’s Naughty Sister.”

I was watching all of this behind my computer screen, watching the other me. It felt like I was watching a movie but it was not. I knew that being beside the Joker was me. This connection was personal and intimate. I felt it.

Then I screamed

Dream Over

I screamed for my mom. I called her name out loud. It was as if a demon was being exorcised right out of my body. My mom came by my side and comforted me like always.

She was used to these nightmares of mine. I have them almost every single day and in every single day, I cry out for her name. Most of the nightmares, I do not remember what happened but this one, I did. I do not know why.

Every nightmare, I scream for my mom and in some of them, I wake up in terror. I do not know why I get these. I wish I knew.

I tried going back to sleep but the moment I shut my eyes, I saw the stitched eyes looking back at me. Every time I wanted to close my eyes, instead of seeing darkness, I saw those eyes.

So I opened my eyes out of fear every once a while to get that image out of my head and then I slept.

Questions and Answers

( A white space surrounds the two people. The fog from the small window open creeps and settles in the room creating a hazy atmosphere.

Two black chairs are present in the middle of the white room with a black table separating them. They are on opposite sides of the table making it easier for them to talk

Various tools are kept on the table and the clock ticks but not so loudly where that tick becomes the only noise in the silent room.

They are on opposite sides of the table making it easier for them to talk)

Myself: I want you to just sit there and listen to me. When needed and appropriate, you may ask me questions to further question my thoughts but unless I say so, I do not want to hear an objection or a rebuttal. I just want you to sit there and listen to me.

Stranger: I understand, I will do as you asked me but before we begin. I want to know why me, a stranger? You could have had anyone but why choose to talk with a stranger?

Myself: I am sick of keeping every thought I have to myself and I want to share it with someone who doesn’t know me on any basis. I want to talk about things and begin a conversation on a new plate. I did not want to talk to anyone who knew of me because they will already have pre concived notions of me.

I wanted something different and some times a stranger seems to be the only one you can turn to because it feels liberating to talk to someone who doesn’t know you entirely so you can open up the deepest and darkest version of yourself withiut having to worry what they would think.

Stranger: I am not afraid. You can tell me whatever you wish and I will sit and listen. Now go on and liberate yourself.

Myself: I like my dark side. I have only imagined what it would feel like to embrace it and commit every sin I ever wanted. I do not know why I ever feel this way but that is what I felt. I always pushed it into the deepest corner of my heart telling myself this was all very foolish but I could not keep lying to myself any longer.

I wanted to know how it felt having someone’s life end by me. I wanted to be the reason to see true fear in their eyes. I tried it for the first time, I don’t think I enjoyed it very much but I liked it. I did it again and then I did not know when and how to stop.

With each people, I got a bit better and versatile.

No one wanted to listen to how I truly felt. No one ever bothered to ask how I was doing. No one ever bothered to find out anything. So I decided I wanted to do my sin.

Stranger: How did it feel?

Myself: Liberating…

Stranger: Why did you feel the way you felt before you did your sins? Why do you say no one listened?

Myself: I do not know. I had the best of friends. They were there for me when I needed them and I guess I was there for them as well. I had fun times with them but none of my friends knew what I hid.

I felt like I wanted to talk but I couldn’t bring myself to it and in the case of my family, I felt by talking about my deepest feelings would concern or disappoint them. I felt at distress even at the thought of having to open up to people who knew me well.

Stranger: I understand why you chose to talk to a stranger now. Starting on a new front, very few people get that chance. I hope you don’t mind me asking but could you tell me how you did it?

What made you choose me and the people before me?

Myself: I do not know what reason to give. I guess I went with what my heart felt and well also with a bit of research. I was afraid of robbing the world of someone too good and pure, so I had to make sure.

Not that you were not good or pure, you did your sins and you know.

As for my process, I can tell you it is quite theatrical and simple. Something you might see in a movie but painted with a dose of reality.

A new person, a new different approach is what I go for many of the times.

I sit him/her down on the cold white floor that has not been used for a while. In the background, I play them their final song so that they can have something beautiful to listen to when they depart.

Each night would be a different song with a different person. I am going for the vibe I feel. Whilst the track plays, I listen to the words and then look out to the person sitting in front of me. I notice what they are doing in their final moments. I sit there and observe.

As the final note gets ready to end, I decide it’s time. I go behind, then choose a tool to slit their throat and watch the blood flow onto the white floor. What a beautiful colour, the blood. It would not be like the movies where the blood splatters. It would be like blood flowing gracefully to paint a picture.

I watch for a while and then decide to end the suffering. I do not know how I would end it but quick and easy is what I would go for. I guess my technique depends on the person and their virtues.

For a person with not so virtuous sins, slow and painful might be the route I would travel on and for the opposite, slow but quick is what I would choose.

After they depart, I get up from my chair, switch off the lights and leave. I do not look back because the show has ended.

Stranger: I see. It is interesting to hear what you said and I am sorry no one wanted to listen. Maybe they tried to make the effort but maybe you were not ready for it. I do not know what else to say but I am happy you talked your heart out. No secrets to burden you. You are liberated right? That is what matters.

I would like to ask you one more question. I apologise in advance if I have offended you but I need to know.

Have you ever considered killing someone close to you? Would you do it?

Myself: I am not surprised you would ask me that. I don’t know why, I expected it to be asked. Since no one asked, I did not think of an answer and now that I have been asked, I guess..

I guess when it comes to my family and my friends. I have thought about it but I would never commit it. I don’t think I could stand the thought of having their deaths by me. I don’t think my heart has it to look at their eyes as their life leaves them.

Stranger: A selfish answer but understandable. So now that I am done with the questions, do you have anything you would like to say?

Perhaps an other conversation before I am liberated of my sins.

Myself: No. No more conversation.

( puts on a song from a carefully curated list)

So, Here is the deal, you listened and that is all I ever wanted. You listened giving it all you got while others listened in sheer fear.

I forced them but they didn’t listen. I forced you but you listened.

So here is what. I will let you choose. Slow and quick? Easy and quick? Slow and painful? Easy and painful?

Stranger: Slow, easy and quick. Would that be possible? I would like to relish my life one last time before I leave. I do not do well with pain.

Myself: Your wish is my command.

(takes the decorating knife from the varied selection and slits throat leaving an extravagant design on my neck)

Stranger: (Watches with all curiosity and confusion) What does this mean? Why?

Myself: (mustering up all the courage and strength for one last sentence) You listened.

The lights start to flicker. The colour fades, the room disappears, yet the tools on the table still remains.

Stranger: (wakes up groggily and confused) Where am I ?

Myself: That was quite the sleep you had there. You must be very confused now.

All what happened in your sleep was defintely true except for the last. That is what I call your imagination taking the best of you. You do not need to know the details of how and when your imagination took the best of you.

Everyone before you listened, doesn’t mean it makes you special enough for me to give you up.

So, now that is done, I am sure you are well rested for what I have in store for you.

(Muffled screams try to escape the room but of no avail, stranger cannot be heard and will never be heard. Creative and intruguing ways to kill are being done with different tools. A new person, a new different approach.

The screams stop, the walls are decorated with red. The job is done. Out the black door, I walk out with a smile plastered on my face.

I have done my confession and my sin.

Who next? )

In my head

I have these pictures and depictions in my head on how different sceanrios could take place.

Some of them are confrontations.

Part 1

I am not entirely good at confrontations or voicing out something that really bothers me. For half of the time, I ignore it and for the other half of the time, I devise plans on how I could get rid of them or do a mental confronation in my mind.

Not only confrontations, but also pointing out things that people do wrong to me and to people who do it.

Mostly I have been quiet in some of the situations and in others, I do speak out what I feel and think when I feel that I cannot bear it or when I come to a breaking point, or when it affects others.

With some people, it’s not worth it and it is pointless

With some people, it’s hard

With some people, I just go with it

I tend to think about what the others would feel when I would speak out my mind against them. At times, I simply can’t muster up the courage to do so. I am scared and afraid.

So what I do instead is I imagine how it would all go down in my head. In my head, I realese the fury and the rage that I contain. I go to the extreme. That’s what happens when you keep it all in.

This thing that I am doing, I know it’s not healthy and I should speak up. But I feel that for most of the times, my argument and the situation that I am in is simply pointless and not worth a confrontation. It’s petty and silly. In no way, shape or manner, does my self get destroyed but yes, I do obsessively think about it but also I feel that it’s not worth the fight and the argument.

I really need less of that because my whole life has been filled with impending doom and sadness of the past.

But for the ones that I know and feel would take a serious toll on me, I confront it. This would cause certain friendships to break, families to fight or cause a rift. But at the end, removing the toxic effects are worth it.

I not only have confrontations with the world but also with myself. I confront every aspect, every mistake, every thought, feeling and action. I obsess too much on those thoughts at the night and it keeps me awake for a long time. So, I put myself to sleep by either loosening myself into a world of fantasy that goes on in my head or I slowly succumb to the countless damaging thoughts.

 But in my head, confrontations do have it’s appealing yet damaging aspect.

This world of mine is a beautiful treasure kept in hiding.

Enrooted in me. 

Part 2

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In my head, is a place that I can control every factor, starting with the environment, the person and how I can let it move on. That is one of the most splended and beautiful part about our minds and our imagination. We are the sole owners of something so powerful and delicate. That creative process is the most wonderful aspect and immersing into it is a whole other level of high and addiction. Inside my head is a favourite place to be.

One sets out to create a puzzle, falls deeper into the complexity and into the endless void. It really is a wonderful feeling with break taking moments.

I wish I could be trapped in that space forever. Locking myself in my own stories. Living through the creations and of my mind. Locking my memory of ever creating this world, so that I have no recollection of what’s going to happen, but my world knows. I might make choices that would alter the creation of my story, but for a fact, I know that I will enjoy it and know what to do. I want it the easy and the hard way. I want my choices to be given it to me the easy way but I also want that challenge and pain. It’s a habit that I learnt from my life here in the real world, a habit that reality taught me. I  have thought through it all, but I feel that it still lacks a flare, a flare that I can’t pin point to.

I have designed my world accordingly to every desire, dream, challenge, pain, hurdle and also some deaths balanced with the proper mixage of my dark thoughts. I have created multiple worlds, story lines, choices and characters that fit and suit my story. I can jump from one story to an other. My worlds consisit of the ones that I read in books, watch everywhere, listen to and want to experience.

My hidden desires and wishes have always been in me and I have always had the chance to go and do something about it in my world.

It is a world that is so beautiful and extraordinary. A world where all dreams come true. A world to escape into. A world that will always be in the works of making and accomdoating to myself and the changes. A world that would forever change the way on how one lives their life.

 

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It’s a hopeful world, too beautiful and perfect to ever become a reality.

“It would forever become a world that will only cease to exisit in my mind.”

 

 

It was probably meant to be that way since the beginning.

If not, this world would not have existed and I wouldn’t have had the chance to enjoy every minute of my creation.

 

 

 

A week of philosophies

This is a new thing that I am trying and focussing on.

Few philosophies that I like, can resonate with, that can express my feelings or concepts that simply I needed to hear and be inspired by.

A week of philosophies. 7 different ways to look and learn about different aspects and philosophies of life. 

7 days to learn new different 7 philosophies and incorporate these learnings into my life.

 

Day One, 11th September 2018

Today’s philosophy: Yin and Yang

All things carry yin and embrace yang. They reach harmony by blending with the vital breath.

– Laozi

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Why was I inspired to choose this today?

I was talking with my friend today about darkness, light and all, and he suddenly asked you must be more of a yin-yang person right?

I didn’t know what he meant by it, so I went to the most knowledgeable person in times of need, Google. I searched for what it, and I couldn’t be more wowed. I finally found a philosophy that explains my thought process towards the world, and it’s situations.

I always thought of any situation, there are two sides/forces to it. I never shared it much with people because they would call me a hypocrite or a person who can’t make up their mind. I know yin yang isn’t precisely that, but somewhat I found that I could relate myself to it.

There are two sides to everything, right/ wrong, light/dark and more. How each one is complementary to another. Everything in nature is a balance of opposite forces.

What is yin and yang?

Yin and Yang are one vital force – the primordial aura.     

-Wang Yangming

In Chinese philosophy, yin and yang describe how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another.  Yin Yang is the concept of duality forming a whole.

The two opposites of Yin and Yang attract and complement each other and, as their symbol illustrates, each side has at its core an element of the other (represented by the small dots).

Neither pole is superior to the other and, as an increase in one brings a corresponding decrease in the other, a correct balance between the two poles must be reached to achieve harmony.

The small dots within each of the two energies (represented by black and white) symbolise that there is always some Yin (black) within Yang (white) and vice versa.

 

Below is a video I have found useful. It’s a simple explanation.

 

Origin

The concept of Yin and Yang became popular with the work of the Chinese school of Yin yang which studied philosophy and cosmology in the 3rd century BCE.

The principal proponent of the theory was the cosmologist Zou Yan (or Tsou Yen) who believed that life went through five phases (wuxing) – fire, water, metal, wood, earth – which continuously interchanged according to the principle of Yin and Yang.

 

How I find it useful

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It’s always wise and good to know about different philosophies. This has inspired me to believe in the world, how different parts and forces of my life are necessary and they compliment each other in some way or another.

There is always some part of myself in another energy and that energy in mine as well. It helps to know both sides of our souls as well. Figuring out and knowing our traits and qualities help us to understand and know our soul, both sides to it. It helps us move and figure it all out.

“Accept your dark side, understanding it will help you to move with the light. Knowing both sides of our souls, helps us all to move forward in life and to understand that, perfection doesn’t exist.”

― Martin R. Lemieux

It’s about creating harmony in myself and the world I live in.

We should focus on harmony because we simply need it. Sometimes everything in life is a chaos, and I think we should try to find a balance in ourselves to think carefully and find out where we have gone wrong.

Harmony and balance are keys to figuring out yourself. It’s a beautiful note that could contribute to the most wonderful of music.

 

How to incorporate Yin Yang energy

I am no expert but here are some ways after research that I have found helpful. We all have our own ways, so we should see what suits us best and try to follow it.

I am keen, and I am trying to incorporate a part of Yin Yang energy into my life and some of the ways I and if you want to do it are as follows:

  • Meditation: Take some time to relax and unwind. It’s also the best way to take a break from your phone. We all need some peace and alone time to ourselves, to reflect and think. With some calm music, I close my eyes, think and feel good.
  • Declutter your life.
  • Maintain good health, in all ways as possible. Mentally and physically. It’s going to be a lot of work, but it’s always worth it. Hard work never goes into vain.
  • Fight for yourself. Don’t wait for the world to hand out what you wish. You need to work hard for your goals, dreams and aspirations.

 

A quote to end the day with

The yin & the yang are opposite forces. Yet, they exist together in the harmony of a perfect orb.

– R.A. Wise