Sad

16th November 2019

I try to wake up out of the bed, but I can’t.

My mind does not work today and it has just taken on the role of making me feel miserable about every aspect of myself.

I am sad and I just want to be in my bed all day.

I want to move on from being sad but I do not want to.

I also want to be sad and just not want to relish in any other emotion today.

My heart wants to go out, do things that will make me feel anything but my body and face phsycially can’t move any of its muscles. It just stays there paralysed.

I am hungry but I do not want to eat. I watch the hours go by and decide when I want to eat, but I don’t.

I get myself out of bed because my bed no longer feels comfortable. I try my best to not prolonge this sadness, so I clean my room and attemp to clean myself in hopes that a change would improve my mood but it doesn’t.

I do not want to do anything.

My heart tells me to go and seek for companions, my heart tells me to go and seek for anything but this. My heart tugs on my strings tighly causing my chest to pain but I just sit here and do nothing. I take a deep breath and continue to do nothing.

I hope this passes away because I do not like feeling this way but for now, I do not mind this. Why do I want to feel this way now? I do not know. Perhaps there would be a lesson for me to learn.

This sadness, is this real? I do not know. I can’t figure out what mood I am in right now. I do not want to talk to people but I just wish someone would ask me “how are you?” or any question related and I could just answer “fine”. Just asking this question is enough for me. It would make me feel nice because I know someone atleast bothers to care about me.

Just for one day, I would like someone to focus on me and listen to everything I want to try and say. Just this one day, I would like to not go after you and instead would prefer you after or for me.

Am I choosing to feel this way so that my artistic drive has something to write about or am I geuninely sad? I do not know anymore. I am conflicted and I need help.

17th & 18th early morning, November 2019

Days are going by. I am still sad but not wholely. I am keeping myself occupied with things that matter most to me but I still am sad. I try so much to move on from what keeps me sad but I can’t.

My heart starts to physically ache, my chest at times starts to close in on me and I can’t breathe. I breathe in and out and I some how manage to get myself back on track.

My insecurities start to pile up one after the other reminding me of horrible facts and outcomes. I feel worthless and my constant fear of no one ever loving me comes to haunt me and makes me sad. My constant fear of being a failure comes to haunt me and makes me sad.

Everything that I think about makes me sad. Everyone around me makes me feel insecure.

I know why I am upset. I know why I am like this right now. I feel terrible that I let this reason affect me so much. I hate myself for it but there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to go through and deal with this hoping time would make it better and easy.

I look at the hours and wait to go to sleep but I do not want to. I can feel my eyes wanting to shut down but I try to be awake for just a few more hours so that I can sleep after exhausting myself of all thoughts.

Whenever I feel like I have made progress, I am just becoming worse. Perhaps being worse and then feeling better is what I need right now.

I scream inside to “please stop this” but no avail.

18th November Mid day, 2019

A new day yet the same old sadness.

I think I am getting better and slowly forgetting why I am sad. Who am I kidding? I guess I should fake it till I reach it.

I just hope it gets better.

For now, time does not seem to be working in my favour.

I shift back and forth between faces I show to my friends and family and then to myself. It has become tiring.

I do not know how to talk about this or who to talk to. I just am not good with this. Even if asked, I know I will not provide the full truth. So I guess, I should just keep this to myself and do my process of making it go away.

I want to cry because I know once I start crying with my heart and eyes, this sadness will start to leave bit by bit but the problem is I can’t bring myself to cry. I do not know how to cry or what to cry about. I do not know what trigger to use.

I know it will get better but when?

I am tired of waiting to feel better.

I am sad. I want to feel better now.

Thoughts from the days

1

Just the other day, life and my mind got me thinking.

Was I going to be stuck with this same face throughout my life? I see other people evolving and changing and here I am, still stuck with the face that has changed but not so distinctively, I can assume.

How do other people go through such changes? Like what do they do, how? Is it genes or some special talent that you require, or is it luck, fate, destiny or life what and how did it happen?

What features have changed on an overall basis? I have grown taller, my face has changed quite a bit, but not like how movies, actors, actresses and people show, I haven’t gone through that exuberant change.

I kind of am worried that this face would be stuck with me till I grow old. What a terrifying yet weird thought.

I would like this face to change just like how I change mentally. Wait, I don’t want my face to change constantly to my personality or match the demeanor of my character. This is proving to be a lot harder than I expected.

I don’t know if I am insecure about my appearance, I probably am but I am happy with what I am. Well, there are those sudden days where I would love to change some parts of myself.

What I mean to say is, it would be nice to go through that whole makeover scene. The American movie cliche. Those always seem really fun to me. Probably in an alternate universe from other universes, I must be going through that change now.

But I am happy with what I got. But I am a human, always wishing for more and more. If I would have got that more and more? Would I stop wishing for more? Well, I need to get that more and more in order to find out.

The above might make me sound like a complete douche, and I wouldn’t blame you.

But the more and more I wish for are wishes/answers/solutions related to problems I have in life. Don’t we all? A life with everything provided. A life we always wanted. Even for a brief moment, to live that life would be grateful. A moment to be remembered for eternity.

But what would life be without all those struggles we have gone through and are yet to face? These struggles and this life we live go into the makings of defining who we are and why we have become or what we needed to be. 

Are these problems in our life tasks? One task gets over, another one starts. It shares the same outlook on the word problem, but a bit less negative than the original term, “problem”.

Placing your confusing thoughts into words is not an easy task.

So, that’s it for today’s thoughts from the days.