In my head

I have these pictures and depictions in my head on how different sceanrios could take place.

Some of them are confrontations.

Part 1

I am not entirely good at confrontations or voicing out something that really bothers me. For half of the time, I ignore it and for the other half of the time, I devise plans on how I could get rid of them or do a mental confronation in my mind.

Not only confrontations, but also pointing out things that people do wrong to me and to people who do it.

Mostly I have been quiet in some of the situations and in others, I do speak out what I feel and think when I feel that I cannot bear it or when I come to a breaking point, or when it affects others.

With some people, it’s not worth it and it is pointless

With some people, it’s hard

With some people, I just go with it

I tend to think about what the others would feel when I would speak out my mind against them. At times, I simply can’t muster up the courage to do so. I am scared and afraid.

So what I do instead is I imagine how it would all go down in my head. In my head, I realese the fury and the rage that I contain. I go to the extreme. That’s what happens when you keep it all in.

This thing that I am doing, I know it’s not healthy and I should speak up. But I feel that for most of the times, my argument and the situation that I am in is simply pointless and not worth a confrontation. It’s petty and silly. In no way, shape or manner, does my self get destroyed but yes, I do obsessively think about it but also I feel that it’s not worth the fight and the argument.

I really need less of that because my whole life has been filled with impending doom and sadness of the past.

But for the ones that I know and feel would take a serious toll on me, I confront it. This would cause certain friendships to break, families to fight or cause a rift. But at the end, removing the toxic effects are worth it.

I not only have confrontations with the world but also with myself. I confront every aspect, every mistake, every thought, feeling and action. I obsess too much on those thoughts at the night and it keeps me awake for a long time. So, I put myself to sleep by either loosening myself into a world of fantasy that goes on in my head or I slowly succumb to the countless damaging thoughts.

 But in my head, confrontations do have it’s appealing yet damaging aspect.

This world of mine is a beautiful treasure kept in hiding.

Enrooted in me. 

Part 2

9590853.gif

In my head, is a place that I can control every factor, starting with the environment, the person and how I can let it move on. That is one of the most splended and beautiful part about our minds and our imagination. We are the sole owners of something so powerful and delicate. That creative process is the most wonderful aspect and immersing into it is a whole other level of high and addiction. Inside my head is a favourite place to be.

One sets out to create a puzzle, falls deeper into the complexity and into the endless void. It really is a wonderful feeling with break taking moments.

I wish I could be trapped in that space forever. Locking myself in my own stories. Living through the creations and of my mind. Locking my memory of ever creating this world, so that I have no recollection of what’s going to happen, but my world knows. I might make choices that would alter the creation of my story, but for a fact, I know that I will enjoy it and know what to do. I want it the easy and the hard way. I want my choices to be given it to me the easy way but I also want that challenge and pain. It’s a habit that I learnt from my life here in the real world, a habit that reality taught me. I  have thought through it all, but I feel that it still lacks a flare, a flare that I can’t pin point to.

I have designed my world accordingly to every desire, dream, challenge, pain, hurdle and also some deaths balanced with the proper mixage of my dark thoughts. I have created multiple worlds, story lines, choices and characters that fit and suit my story. I can jump from one story to an other. My worlds consisit of the ones that I read in books, watch everywhere, listen to and want to experience.

My hidden desires and wishes have always been in me and I have always had the chance to go and do something about it in my world.

It is a world that is so beautiful and extraordinary. A world where all dreams come true. A world to escape into. A world that will always be in the works of making and accomdoating to myself and the changes. A world that would forever change the way on how one lives their life.

 

tumblr_nswcjwbmQL1uvjclyo1_500

It’s a hopeful world, too beautiful and perfect to ever become a reality.

“It would forever become a world that will only cease to exisit in my mind.”

 

 

It was probably meant to be that way since the beginning.

If not, this world would not have existed and I wouldn’t have had the chance to enjoy every minute of my creation.

 

 

 

Confessions

Writing, a skill everyone has, but very few people in this world have the power to create an impact or an effect with those words.

I know quite a lot of people who have that spark to create a profounding meaningful impact, and sometimes I often wonder whether I have been given that or whether am I any good at it.

Have I or Can I ever impact anyone with my words? Do they like reading what I write? If not, then how can I impact them? But then, I am happy with what I write. Questions like these roam and buzz around my mind.

I write a lot, a lot of unpublished ones pile up like a pile of lego blocks reaching up towards the sky. Many thoughts protrude in my head and each piece arises from a thought or a feeling.

I have been writing for quite some time, especially on my Instagram, but for a few months, it has come to a halt.

Why did I stop?

Maybe it was the lack of appreciation or feedback, or maybe the undying thought of me not being good enough when compared to others, or maybe I lost my passion, or I simply didn’t have anything to write on.

I have been a person who tends to thrive on compliments and feedback, so when that stopped or started becoming less, I guess somewhere I just lost my passion to post about what I write. I know that this a wrong reason and I want to deny it.

Also somewhere along the lines, I simply lost the zest and zeal to come up with anything new to write.

I started this blog of mine because now, I don’t mind or at least I think I don’t. I am trying not to mind. It’s going well but it’s hard.

It’s been quite some time with this blog now, it’s still a new creation under works. I am proud of it. A platform where I can truly share.

Selfish desires do exisit in me.

As a writer, a part of me would always wish and aspire for people to like what I write. As a writer, I wish my pieces would become worthy of being published somewhere. As a writer and sole creator of this blog, I wish for it to become popular and create buzz around. As a writer, I wish I could do this for a living. But most out of all, As a writer, I wish for my pieces to make people feel emotions and feelings. 

I have a wish, to publish a book about different thoughts, feelings, stories, moments and experiences. If at least one person can understand, relate to it, feel something out of it, my job is done and it’s also an added bonus. 

Keeping the selfih desires ahead, I write because I love to do it. It’s my source of escape and expression. This makes my selfish desires fade away into nothingess,  but once in a bluemoon, those wishes do arise. 

When I feel demotivated or less enthusiastic, I go back to the posts I wrote, read them and the comments underneath. The comments did cheer me up, but it reminded of why I wrote.

I wrote because I loved to write and through writing, I finally found a way to place all my thoughts, actions and feelings into words.

Also somewhere in the corner of the world, if it at least makes one person happy or if they can relate to it, my task is done and as an added bonus, my happiness can also break out of its cocoon and have its time in the gleaming sunlight.

Writing has always been my comfort blanket, and I shouldn’t stop because of any of those reasons.

Many tiny reasons other than that also lie beneath this mess. I often become quite lazy as well to post over here as well on Instagram.

Like I said, many drafts lay upon me, but when it comes to publishing it, a cloud of overwhelming doubt and laziness engulf me, but I am not giving up. I won’t give up.

I feel doubtful and scared because at times, with some of the content I put up, I feel it reveals a bit too much of me or maybe the things I write could hurt some people knowingly and unknowingly.

It’s the latter reason I worry about more because I wouldn’t want to upset people but what is life without that?

This blog defines a part of who I am and I won’t let that definition fade away. I hope and pray that this enthusiasm and this definition never die in me.

I await eagerly to write and write about many things. I eagerly await for it to get published for the world to read. I eagerly await for the response. This whole process is so intoxciating and exhilarating.

I hope this excitement never fades away. I hope everything what I feel about my blog never fades away into nothingess.