In doubts

I am in this weird emotional space not knowing what to write about. Now this is different. This is not a slump. I know exactly what to write about but I am not sure if I am ready for the world to uncover me.

I want to go more in deep with my emotions and stories, I want to write more of what I feel and hide but I am afraid that once the truth comes out, what will that do to my close friends and family? My relationship with them would be affected. I don’t think I am ready for that big of a risk.

My past posts does not mean I have not been writing about myself and what I feel. It has been and every bit of those words were true but those were less terrifying real versions of what I feel. There is always so much more.

I have so many of my emotions in words and I want to put it out there but I am scared of how that would go with the people I love and the society I am put in. I am not afraid of the world but sadly I am afraid of putting it out with so many familar faces who claim to be friendly.

It is upsetting having to think of what my society would think of me and my family because of the struggles I have been put through. I wish people wouldn’t judge as much but I guess that’s the duty of some people; to judge.

Many of the people in my society look for reasons to put us down and to make a mock of us. They use our sadness as a reason to inflict joy in their lives. They are the genuine and true Schadenfreudes.

Until I decide what I want to do, I am going to take a small break and decide what I truly want to do about these thoughts.

I am slowly going to start posting pieces from the past. There are countless pieces I have written and it would be nostalgic and great to see what mind space I have been in that time. I could maybe post them in the original form or add more to it.

I have always thought about how liberating it would feel once you put down all these pains that weigh you down, and now I am at that conflict. I have put them down but I don’t know if I am ready to post it.

How do I get ready?

What am I good at?

So just two days back, I was having this talk with my dad for something imporant and I don’t know how the conversation was exactly. I guess it was something about hobbies or something else, but something in that conversation sparked my doubting self to think and wonder what was my speciality.

What am I good at?

I know many people and they all are good at something and they say it with confidence. They do not have to ponder and think if they are good at it, they know they are and they do not mean it as a way of self boast or praise. They are just confident and it’s good to know that.

Over here, I am wondering I do have quite a lot of hobbies or things I do, but am I good at it?

If you have to ask me what I am good at, I would say I like writing and well watching movies and tv shows, but being good at it, I don’t know. I mean how can you possibly go wrong with tv shows, movies and fandoms?

Whereas in the other case, my pieces of work, I am proud of it and happy with it but I don’t know if I can say I am good at writing. I would like to think of myself as being a good writer but what really confirms that notion?

Do people’s critique stand as a factor to determine how good am I in what I do? Thier comments, likes and appreication, is that how I know, we all know?

I do believe that I do have quite the creative and imaginative skills inside my head, but most of the times I tend to not express it out because I just don’t know and most of the times, I do like to keep it in my head. My head is a place where I can control and create and if there was some sort of way where I can show it. I would.

Again coming back to the million dollar question, WHAT AM I GOOD AT? How do I know? How do I answer this to myself and to others?

Do I know I am good only if I achieve something with it or am I good when other people recognize it or is it an understanding from within? I don’t seem to understand.

Let’s leave the creative set of skills aside and come down to the personality traits? When Buzzfeed quizzes have these questions, “which word would you use to describe yourself or how would your friends describe you? ” I honestly can’t decide which trait to choose? How do I know I am good at it?

I have different traits some more prominent than others and with different best friends, some show more than the other and some don’t. I know how to describe myself but what about my friends?

I feel confident in taking role of skills such as goofy, weird, crazy, sometimes funny and organized but when friends decide these other skill sets, am I good at it? Probably so.

The question again comes down to it, Am I good at those skills?

This English litearture and language degree I am doing, I love it but what determines whether I am good at it and what determines it would be grades and knowledge of it. I do have the knowledge for it but some of the times, it’s the grades that’s hard to get.

So does that mean I am not good in what I do? Will the people see beyond my grades and look at the passion, hard work, love I have for this subject. Will they believe I can do it? I do believe in myself, I just wish other people could see it too. I wish future employers would look at my knowledge and passion I can put in rather than my grades mostly.

Knowing myself, I overthink a lot and this overthinking voice of mine questions every thought, affirmation and reaffirmation of mine making it an impossible task to settle down with a calm and reassuring reason.

If anyone out there has an answer to this question of mine, please do tell me.

Master Yoda or Obi Wan Kanobi or any of the Avengers, do tell me because you would clearly know. I think I would like to hear from Tony Stark because he would be more realistic with the advice. I wouldn’t mind hearing from Thanos because who wouldn’t like to hear a difference and variety in an opinion.