For you

I don’t know how we end up meeting each other or even if we are destined to meet, but I would like you to know, I do have some hopes for us to conquer.

Hi, I am a girl who is miles away from you. I do not know if we have passed as strangers once or if we know each other and we are not in talk with each other or we might be just strangers.

I am a Gemini and the most stereotypical yet true aspect of me is that I exhibit dual personalities. This does not mean I shift from one persona to an other. It just means I think about both aspects of the coin. For many of the aspects, I just can’t decide on one. I have different sides to different people of my life. I thought you should know that.

I believe in destiny and fate and soul mates but at the same time, I don’t. At times, I think it’s all bullshit invented to make you believe and to keep going and at other times, I think it’s simply wonderful. Loosing yourself in something so wonderful and messy.

I have a lot going on in my mind and that may upset you because I can’t get it all out to you. I like having some of it in my mind, it is my haven. If I really like you, I will open it to you. I don’t know how but I know I am capable of that.

I watch a lot of movies and shows. So, from that I have a defined perspective on what I would like to have from a relationship. I have never been in one and I am not sure as to how it works. I have seen friends be in them and I feel for every relationship, it is unique. You have your own way of working but there is some common ground shared by all relationships.

To be honest, I am scared of being in a relationship. There are going to be so many changes and I don’t know if I will ever be ready for that but on the other side, I am looking forward to it. I don’t know what is expected of me in this. I am going in blind sided and I hope we both can help each other.

I have expectations of some cliches coming true. The cliches of where you talk all night, under the stars or in the comfort of your bed under the warm blankets. The cliches of having simple, fun and memorable adventures. I watch these couples on TV and in movies and it makes me wonder will I ever have that? Will we ever have that?

We might make our own version of it and I am excited to be in that. I would love to have long conversations where you and I ask the deepest questions that make us think and wonder. I would love to keep asking you questions and getting to know how your mind works. I would like you to do the same for me, if you are interested in that.

I do not want us to change aspects of ourself that keep us real, I want us to stay original but also change for the better. Change when it is necessary, change when the environment and the world wants us to and when we feel like it. I want us to undertsand why we have changed.

I do not want us to spend our entire time in a relationship. I do not want our relationship to be the reason I have or need to exist. I do not want our relationship to define our identities, I want us to spend our time out of our relationship as well, with friends and families. Devoting our entire time to each other might make us a little crazy.

I want to watch movies with you every week for the rest of however long we might be together. A movie of your choice and also of mine. I look forward to sharing our agreements and disagreements.

I want us to talk about everything but I also want to enjoy silences with you.

I look forward to seeing you passionate about things that you love. I look forward to being a part of your suggestions and acting on them.

I carry a past that hurts me and a present that hurts me as well. Someday, when I tell you about it, I do not want you to judge and blame them for their mistakes and the hurt they have caused to me. I want you to listen and just be there. I want you to respond in the way you feel like. I look forward to times where you and I comfort each other after bad days and fights.

These are some few things I thought you should know about me.

I get hurt pretty easy. Some times I show it, some times I don’t. I like to have some time alone with myself. When I am angry, I want to be left alone because that helps me calm down and understand the situation. When I am upset, I don’t know what to do. So I am hoping you might.

I love to read and I love books. So, if you want to buy me anything, you can buy me books of my suggestion or yours. If you feel this is a book I like, go ahead and if you want me to read a book, I will.

Bookstores and libraries make me very emotional and it is often hard for me to come out of them. I like to be in the woods and near the oceans and beaches! They are a safe space and I feel very at home there.

I love food! I am excited to try out so much food!! I want to travel the whole world. I want to have so many adventures with you and also by myself.

I am also obsessed with skylines and city lights in the night! I have a weird obsession towards them! It’s a beautiful fantasy to live in!

I love to write. Writing is a way I confront myself. Writing is a way I console myself. Writing for me means so much.

I have a lot of emotions and I embrace them fully. Some day, I hope you might too and I am ready to embrace whatever you have as well.

There are so many more things I want you to know but I think you will figure it out.

I will always be loyal and be there for you. I will love you and I will tell you when you are wrong, when I am right and when I am wrong. I will try to accept the times when I am wrong and I will try not to keep fights or petty mistakes against you as a weapon.

I also want to say I am truly sorry for every mistake and fight I have caused between us. I am a temperamental person. I tend to loose my temper pretty easy and I say hurtful stuff, but I want you know I never mean those. I never think before I say those stuff and when I think about it later, I wish I had never said it. But what use is it when the moment has already passed? So I apologise and I will also apologise in the future as well when it is my fault.

I do not only want to dwell in fantasies, passions and cliches of mine. I want to dwell in yours too.

I don’t think I believe there is just one love for you. I believe there will be many loves for one person if they keep looking for it. The thing with each love is that it will be unique and differ from one love to an other. So that can be unique and be just the one, but I believe that you may be the only love in my life and I will be happy for eternity.

I hope everything goes fine for us. I hope you and I have led the relationship and life we both want and deserve.

I write this for you in hopes that someday you will read it and understand. There are some things I might not say to you in person but in this piece, I mean it for you.

Most importantly, I just want us to be happy and figure it out by ourselves, not have a cheat code manual on how to be happy and prosper. I want to be on this journey exploring so much with you and also by myself.

Why have feelings when you can toss them out?

Will there come a time when I run out of things to write?

Sometimes I imagine a time and a world where we humans do not have any feeling and emotion. We are there to simply exist and nothing else.

What would happen to the world and us?

If I did not have feelings, I would not be in unwanted situations and I think that would be nice.

A world where feelings and emotions were non existent. A world where imagination were non existent. What would become of us? What would happen to me? What talent would I or the world posess if none of us could react to it? What talent would I have or do if I did not have the feelings in me to decide?

If not for the above, would our world even progress? Would this world even be worthy to be called the name “world”? What a bore would that world be.

I often think and am always in deep thought about this situation. Why do I need to have feelings about anything? Why was I not given the ability to not feel and be unresponsive to everything? If that were to be the case, what kind of life I lead?

An easy one but it won’t be called a life.

Sometimes I wonder if not for my feelings, would I have anything to write? If not for the stories I am in, would I have anything to write? If not for using my imagination, would I have anything to write? Am I using the world to find stories to write? Am I using my emotions and feelings to write? But isn’t that what writers do?

It would become a world not worth living in but how would we know if we did not posesses the things that made us feel? This feeling of the world not being alive can only be felt when we possess that feeling but if not, would it be easy and warm to live in this comfort?

Many of the times, I am grateful to feel many things but I am also emotionally tired and utterly devastated to feel it. It is exhausting having to feel and wanting to feel. Sometimes I feel I should get rid of the parts of my brain that causes me to feel and emote.

I do not know what to do when I face emotions I don’t want to face even if they are nescessary for me to progress. I do not like to feel emotions that make me heavy in my heart. I do not like to feel emotions that are filled with tears. I like being in happy thoughts and being in a world where my fantasies come true, but that’s not possible and I am okay with it.

Maybe I can choose not to feel some of these things, but what good would that do to me if I can’t accept them as a part of me? I can’t run away from them and I don’t want to. Each of these feeling helps me somehow, I just am not sure how but I know they do help in some weird way.

I think I embrace them but not well. Who am I to determine that? I don’t know on what basis I am making this deduction.

It is the bad times that make us feel this way. That is when the good times help.

I just look out at the world and I am thankful for every feeling and emotion bestowed upon me. If I were incapable to feel, I would not have had the joy and sanity when I looked outside.

If not for these given feelings, I would not have had the capacity to fully immerse in wonderful experiences I have with my family and friends.

I feel happy when I go out for a walk listening to mellow tracks. That gives me the warmth and resolution to keep going and to be inspired. I have my faith renewed once again and a hope that I will do just fine.

I would not lie when I tell you that I am in a dilemma with matters like these. At times it seems so good but at times it only pains. I will always have my reactions to life and I guess nothing could change that. I could perhaps learn to react better and not let it hurt me more than it should.

These things are out of control and that is why being human is the most difficult job in the entire galaxy. It is a constant state of managing them in various ways best suited to you and for the world outside.



The one where I turned Twenty.

24th May Midnight

I sit here waiting for the clock to strike midnight and it has already stuck. I can’t help but feel not at home and lonely

I feel sad and an impending sense of doom has crushed me as I hit 20. I feel worthy and not accomplished.

I haven’t created a set of goals to achieve by 20, but when why do I feel worthless and unaccomplished?

I feel as if there is no meaning to life

I felt like Joey and Rachel in the moments leading up to turning 20 and after turning 20.

(The below clip was my reaction both internally and somewhat externally. Rather than turning 30, this was my state turning 20.)

I guess one more reason as to why I felt so glum and chum was because right before I hit 20, I was watching a movie called Speechless which is a beautiful romantic comedy and damn I love that movie so much, I have decided to let that movie be in my top all-time favourites.

So when watching that movie, I felt like my life was going nowhere. No love, no boyfriend, no relationship, literally that moment in any romantic comedy where the girl says she is going to die alone and drowns herself in food and alcohol. I had that moment minus the food and drinks and it was not good.

I mean I still love being single and enjoying life and having my best friends but you know those moments do exist when you look at others and wish you had what they had, maybe even something even more special.

I mean I turned 20, an adult now. Responsibilities and obligations soon will bind me, not that I don’t like having them but there are some of those responsibilities  I am not a fan of. I don’t know what they are but I don’t like them already.

Coming to celebrating my birthday at midnight, everyone was there, my family and my friends called me right on the stroke of midnight to see me cut the cake and well wish a happy 20. I swear, they literally in that moment were the reason for a tiny ray of happiness of turning 20.

And as the midnight progressed into the morning, my mom has tears down her face and cries because I am growing old and well then I am going to get married and I am going to go away and all that. So well that also put me off of the fact that I turned 20.

I am always very excited for my birthdays, I love them!! I look forward to my birthdays like it’s the greatest thing on Earth but this year, I did not feel that glistening sense of hope or an excitement towards the adulthood.

I mean I like adulthood, I enjoy the freedom and I look forward to having a job and everything, my own house and all that but comes at a cost of growing old. Have I lived my life the right way? Have I done what I have intended to do?

I feel content and happy with how I have lived life but I always wish I could do more, but I did not have the opportunities back then but now I do and I intend to utilise all of it.

It’s been three days since I turned 20, so far I feel normal. I don’t feel old but everyone keeps reminding me that I am old and I should know this and that and what not. I still don’t like the fact that I turned 20.

I feel like a teenage kid trapped in a teenage kid body living a teenage adult life. Like a Freaky Friday situation.

I have many goals, visions and desires I want to complete and I do hope I can do all of it or at least some of the ones that I really desire.

Thank God, I did not decide to get a tattoo of my birth date on my hand because I do not want to be reminded every day that I am growing old and closer to death.

Here is a toast to Adulting

I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me and dear God, I hope I can bear it.

The Endgame…

A thing you should know about me is that I care very deeply for movies, shows and books especillay the ones that I have invested my life and time in, it is a part of me, so some people might think that this is all a bit too much but frankly, I do not care because this is me. I love this bit about myself. Loving these movies, shows and books with all this passion and intensity is what I love the most. I feel infinite.

Coming to the point on what this piece is going to be about, I have been a fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe as long as I can remember and I just watched Endgame, the movie that brought that saga to an end. The movie that brought a decade to an end.

Relax; I am not to be giving out any spoilers because I am not the fan that will ever betray my family like that. I respect and worship the work way too much to do that and also life taught me that in hard ways.

Coming back to what this piece is about; my mind and heart cannot fathom to bring itself in terms with what I witnessed and were a part of. I watched the movie two times in a row and I am feeling all these emotions that I don’t know how to control. I am drowning in them; not in the way that I enjoy but to the point where my heart physically pains and I need a way to heal.

So here I am pouring out my emotions because I feel this could be my way of healing.

I wander around these empty spaces with a heavy heart

I feel my heart getting crushed by the weight of the boulder that has been dropped from the heights above

It was cathartic

I sit here buried in tears and crash into the warmth of my comforter

I made the mistake of not understanding how broken I would be after I a saga come to an end

I have been in this ride for years and years knowing but also not knowing what it was all leading up to…

I fell in love with all of them, I fell in love with how each of them progressed with time

I fell madly in love with the family and the team

I too have a weakness like every other being, my mind does not want to be bias but my heart has been tuned out differently

I have given my heart to the people that were since the dawn of the time, to the people that lay the foundation for this great miracle, the team that started the intitiative and set up the saga

These stories were intense but fun, heart shattering but carried a sense of bitter sweetness,

Enemies were made, Friendships were made and broken, Teams came together yet also fell apart. Everything and anything managed to happen

Chaos erupted across the galaxies

I have shed tears, I have laughed, I have rejoiced, I have been gutted. I have loved. I have hated. I have felt everything I possibly can through these stories.

My heart would always lie with the six. The origins of a greater good. The start to it all.

Over the years, it all lied in the tiny fragments, each fragment carried a piece ultimately leading up to the end, the end for many of us but also a beginning to a new dawn

I never realised how embedded I was in this until I realised I may never see them again. I failed to understand how much of a mess and a chaos I would be. I underestimated how much I would be affected. I did not put it into count.

I stroll along those memory lanes and dwell when times were simpler. To the times I knew they would come back.

My mind and heart refuse to fathom that it has come to an end, a conclusion. An end where I will never see them return again.

As the sun sets, a new dawn arises and that is what had happened

I thank you and will always cherish you Marvel.

Like they said, “Part of the journey is the end.”

I look forward to what you have in store for us.

Thank you for the best 11 years and for the best 22 movies you have given us.

The heart

I no longer wanted to feel human

So I sharpened my knife and butchered out my heart from my body

I bled and bled but I let it be as I no longer wanted this ache to roar

I was now just a human with a pair of eyes and ears to see the world as it is and not for the layers it has bathed itself in

This gave me the perspective I needed

All I now am is a body and an existence without the force to feel things that once made me a fool

I saw the heart out there, throbbing and beating

It did not stop, it did not stop

What do I do to relieve it of its senses

With no heart in me, watching that heart writher and squirm for help created a sense of humanism in me, but how?

At the same time, I was delighted to see it in misery as I no longer had to inhabit it

Was this how I once felt when it was in me?

A desperation to release everything I felt

The next few moments passed by without my knowledge

I am not aware of how I got here and why but it had a purpose

I opened the glass cage and placed the heart tenderly on my hands

I felt it needed to be taken care of gently, so I caressed it with a soft delicacy

It wailed and wailed but I could see no tears drop down

It felt sad and lonely

It felt betrayed

It wanted to be with home

It ached and ached, I did not know what to do then and now

All it wanted was to simply let it be

I could not let it simply be

With one simple swift, I gave it the end it deserved

Now I was a human with a heart…


Waking up to a good mood

Very few are those days where you delightfully wake up to a good start. I am having one of those days right now. Living and breathing it.

Today is a Wednesday and usually, Wednesday’s are my day off but I had lost that privilege because of an internship I am doing. No complaints but I really do miss having a holiday in the middle of the week after all those lectures. That one day off to unwind, relax and catch up.

This blog post was an impromptu one, I needed to remember this day and how it felt. I wanted all of you to know that days like these do exist and can be created by us. Some of the factors in the universe can be controlled by us, some of them…

So naturally, I knew this day was going to be good because it’s a holiday and for the first time I felt so relaxed at the start of the day. An appointment that I had today or so I thought was actually on March 19th. So when I heard that news as well, my heart and body were so elated because I was able to stay at home, read, listen to some music and watch some Netflix and youtube.

The day starts off right after you get the sleep of your heart’s content. After scrolling through my phone it was high time for me to get out from the comfort of my bed and take a calming warm shower and wash my greasy hair. Listening to music whilst in the shower was another privilege because I could soak it all in, the layers of music and thoroughly enjoy it. You know you are living life through simple joys like these.

After the shower, one puts on clothes, and as soon as I opened the curtains, I was welcomed with the warmest of sunrays, so warm and so cold on my skin. I looked out and saw the streets unwind; some of the people bustling out on the streets and with the window ajar a bit, I let the wind caress my hair. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the serendipity of it all.

Now, I did not want this brightness to slip away into the dark. I did not want to lose it like how the tears got lost in the rain. I wanted to bask in it for as long as possible. So what to do indeed was the question?

Rather than loafing around, I decided to include fragments of what makes me happy and I also wanted to get the most of it. So I decided to combine happiness with work. Doing my reading for university and writing for fun. Combining both of my interests to turn this day into a happy and a good one.

You could try as this well, combing what you love and what you love in your work and I hope that it helps you create a good day. With some music as well, I guarantee it’s going to be bliss. It’s important to have that good music because they inspire you in so many ways and they can also sometimes be the sole responsibility of either shaping or breaking your mood.

These days might get lost in the memory as time goes on, I would not expect myself to remember these days but having them and living through them is what can get us through life. To play and be in that role is important because it is vital to remind ourselves, there are good days.

As I struggle to find the words to end this, I am thinking as to what more I can give you without pushing you away or you mentally or physically rolling your eyes at me.

So as I am listening to The Morning Stroll playlist on Spotify, I know how to end this now.

 

Enjoy life, take a break to pause, reflect and be in it. Take a break to be happy do what makes you happy. Bask it all in. Step out into the sunshine and let that do the work. Let yourself be in it. 


-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Happy, Aesthetic and being Productive

I love to get into this zone pretty quick.

Lately I have been addicted to watching Youtubers again and watching them work and thier week in thier lives videos gets me inspired, productive and happy to do my own tasks.

It gets me into a better mood and I am instantly drawn to work hard and be productive. What is it about Youtubers and thier videos that makes you want to do that?

Also listenting to happy music, mostly old disney throwbacks and also songs from Musicals or songs that sound like the ones from Musicals.

It’s easy to get into that mood but also equally very quick to fall out of it. This mood itself is a vibe and a state of mind. Pure happiness arises from this for me.

 

So I have decided to call this mood, ” The Hap” 

I get into The Hap by following some of these steps. Often I like to mix and match out of the lot. Sometimes, just doing one out of the bunch gets me going fine. 

 

1. I get into this zone by first watching some good Youtube videos from my favourite channels.

source

Different days, different emotions, different channels serve different purposes.

Currently I am loving everything that Danielle Marie Carolan has been uploading. Her videos give me a sense of productvitiy, happiness and well aestehtcis which gets me hyped, interested, motivated and energized to do my work. On the top of my head, the youtubers who inspire me are Ruby Granger, Studywithjess and Kalyn Nicholson.

This also includes podcasts, they sort of set me into the mood that I wish to go into. Gals on the go is one of them also a podcast series by Kalyn Nicholson on I-tunes that I have started listenting to.

2. My hype songs are an instant mood blaster. tumblr_nkgpyaTYSj1racovbo1_500.gif

This usually comprises of old school music from my past. The nostalagisa energy songs and also the songs that give out those good vibes. It can take you into a totally differennt path or give you the enerhgy you need. It again depends on what mood you are in and what mood you want to see yourself in.

For starters here are some of the many songs that get me going.

  • Avicii: The Nights, Wake Me up
  • Frank Sinatra: New York theme, Fly me to the moon
  • Echsomith: Bright
  • Michael Buble: Haven’t met you yet
  • Old Cartoon, Disney and Nicklodeon Songs such as those from High School Musical, Hannah Montana and more
  • Ellie Goudling: Burn
  • Taylor Swift: We are never getting back together, Shake it off
  • Brigit Mendler: Ready or not
  • One Republic: Coutning Stars
  • The Wanted: Glad you came, Chasing the sun
  • Any song by One Direction
  • Panic at the disco: Hallelujah, I write sins not tragedies, Emperor’s new clothes, Miss Jackson
  • 21 pilots: Stressed out
  • Fall out boy feat Demi Lavto: Irrestible
  • Jonas Brothers: Burning up
  • Olly Murs: Trouble maker
  • Owl city: Shooting star, good time
  • Carly Rae Jepsen: I really like you
  • Enrique Iglesias: Bailando the english version
  • Alvaro Soler: Sofia, El Mismo Sol, Libre
  • Monika Lewczuk: Ty I Ja ( In this song, it’s more of the video and it’s aestehtics.)

3. After the long productive hours of work, a break is always well desreved. So I sit and watch some of Youtube or a good comedy show on Netflix or I just watch cartoons because they just make me happy and ends up helping me loose up all the stress knots.

4. A small work out. It really does help, even if it’s walking for 20 minutes or a seven minute excercise. It helps your body just energize and fresh. That’s how it helps me. It motivates me to do more and I feel that I can conquer the world.

5. The weather also plays a role.

Over here in Nottingham, it’s quite unpredictable but I can figure out most of the time. My essentials are a jacket, umbrella and gloves. You have no idea when it might get cold. So I usually prefer the days where it’s sunny and cold with a sligh grace of rain which infact did happen and resulted in a very beautiful rainbow that did cheer me soul mate.

Back in Dubai, I just used to walk out on the streets at the peak of sunset. It sure was a beautiful tranisiton from dusk to dawn. The beaches are also the perfect solution.

6. Walks usually also do the trick as well.

Maybe after a well desreved study session or before a study session, do hitch the roads. With some good music, you are good to go and it helps a lot. anigif_enhanced-buzz-12080-1374000468-32 This mostly are the ways I would like to end my day with, but morning walks do also bring an instant glow up to the whole day.

I love walking during these two times of the day, one is the early morning, before the sun rise and the later is the one after the whole world falls asleep and I am there with my music all alone and the world being my stage, I am free to do whatever I wish and want. Peace, solace and comfort is what arises out of them and I couldn’t be more at home.

980xDriving at the nights is also one of the best remedies to ever exisit in this world. The feeling that you get out of it, it’s pure magic.

It’s just you, the music and the whole wide world.

 

7. Right now, the holidays seem to be coming.

November and then BAM December.  ThankfulGleamingArcherfish-size_restricted.gif

Tis the season to be jolly.

So the christmas music is what also gets me going!! Last Christmas by Wham has always been my jam when it comes to the holiday seasons. My productivity level also seems to increase during this time of the year.

Seeing the streets light up and the mornings bright up sure does whisk a sort of magic in the air and in me.

 

Why wait for 2019 to start of on your visions and ideals? Any time is the best to get into what you wish, want to be and want to do. It’s your hard work and dedication going in anyway, no matter what day, year and time it is.

So why not start now than later?

– Roshni Marath Jairaj