Questions and Answers

( A white space surrounds the two people. The fog from the small window open creeps and settles in the room creating a hazy atmosphere.

Two black chairs are present in the middle of the white room with a black table separating them. They are on opposite sides of the table making it easier for them to talk

Various tools are kept on the table and the clock ticks but not so loudly where that tick becomes the only noise in the silent room.

They are on opposite sides of the table making it easier for them to talk)

Myself: I want you to just sit there and listen to me. When needed and appropriate, you may ask me questions to further question my thoughts but unless I say so, I do not want to hear an objection or a rebuttal. I just want you to sit there and listen to me.

Stranger: I understand, I will do as you asked me but before we begin. I want to know why me, a stranger? You could have had anyone but why choose to talk with a stranger?

Myself: I am sick of keeping every thought I have to myself and I want to share it with someone who doesn’t know me on any basis. I want to talk about things and begin a conversation on a new plate. I did not want to talk to anyone who knew of me because they will already have pre concived notions of me.

I wanted something different and some times a stranger seems to be the only one you can turn to because it feels liberating to talk to someone who doesn’t know you entirely so you can open up the deepest and darkest version of yourself withiut having to worry what they would think.

Stranger: I am not afraid. You can tell me whatever you wish and I will sit and listen. Now go on and liberate yourself.

Myself: I like my dark side. I have only imagined what it would feel like to embrace it and commit every sin I ever wanted. I do not know why I ever feel this way but that is what I felt. I always pushed it into the deepest corner of my heart telling myself this was all very foolish but I could not keep lying to myself any longer.

I wanted to know how it felt having someone’s life end by me. I wanted to be the reason to see true fear in their eyes. I tried it for the first time, I don’t think I enjoyed it very much but I liked it. I did it again and then I did not know when and how to stop.

With each people, I got a bit better and versatile.

No one wanted to listen to how I truly felt. No one ever bothered to ask how I was doing. No one ever bothered to find out anything. So I decided I wanted to do my sin.

Stranger: How did it feel?

Myself: Liberating…

Stranger: Why did you feel the way you felt before you did your sins? Why do you say no one listened?

Myself: I do not know. I had the best of friends. They were there for me when I needed them and I guess I was there for them as well. I had fun times with them but none of my friends knew what I hid.

I felt like I wanted to talk but I couldn’t bring myself to it and in the case of my family, I felt by talking about my deepest feelings would concern or disappoint them. I felt at distress even at the thought of having to open up to people who knew me well.

Stranger: I understand why you chose to talk to a stranger now. Starting on a new front, very few people get that chance. I hope you don’t mind me asking but could you tell me how you did it?

What made you choose me and the people before me?

Myself: I do not know what reason to give. I guess I went with what my heart felt and well also with a bit of research. I was afraid of robbing the world of someone too good and pure, so I had to make sure.

Not that you were not good or pure, you did your sins and you know.

As for my process, I can tell you it is quite theatrical and simple. Something you might see in a movie but painted with a dose of reality.

A new person, a new different approach is what I go for many of the times.

I sit him/her down on the cold white floor that has not been used for a while. In the background, I play them their final song so that they can have something beautiful to listen to when they depart.

Each night would be a different song with a different person. I am going for the vibe I feel. Whilst the track plays, I listen to the words and then look out to the person sitting in front of me. I notice what they are doing in their final moments. I sit there and observe.

As the final note gets ready to end, I decide it’s time. I go behind, then choose a tool to slit their throat and watch the blood flow onto the white floor. What a beautiful colour, the blood. It would not be like the movies where the blood splatters. It would be like blood flowing gracefully to paint a picture.

I watch for a while and then decide to end the suffering. I do not know how I would end it but quick and easy is what I would go for. I guess my technique depends on the person and their virtues.

For a person with not so virtuous sins, slow and painful might be the route I would travel on and for the opposite, slow but quick is what I would choose.

After they depart, I get up from my chair, switch off the lights and leave. I do not look back because the show has ended.

Stranger: I see. It is interesting to hear what you said and I am sorry no one wanted to listen. Maybe they tried to make the effort but maybe you were not ready for it. I do not know what else to say but I am happy you talked your heart out. No secrets to burden you. You are liberated right? That is what matters.

I would like to ask you one more question. I apologise in advance if I have offended you but I need to know.

Have you ever considered killing someone close to you? Would you do it?

Myself: I am not surprised you would ask me that. I don’t know why, I expected it to be asked. Since no one asked, I did not think of an answer and now that I have been asked, I guess..

I guess when it comes to my family and my friends. I have thought about it but I would never commit it. I don’t think I could stand the thought of having their deaths by me. I don’t think my heart has it to look at their eyes as their life leaves them.

Stranger: A selfish answer but understandable. So now that I am done with the questions, do you have anything you would like to say?

Perhaps an other conversation before I am liberated of my sins.

Myself: No. No more conversation.

( puts on a song from a carefully curated list)

So, Here is the deal, you listened and that is all I ever wanted. You listened giving it all you got while others listened in sheer fear.

I forced them but they didn’t listen. I forced you but you listened.

So here is what. I will let you choose. Slow and quick? Easy and quick? Slow and painful? Easy and painful?

Stranger: Slow, easy and quick. Would that be possible? I would like to relish my life one last time before I leave. I do not do well with pain.

Myself: Your wish is my command.

(takes the decorating knife from the varied selection and slits throat leaving an extravagant design on my neck)

Stranger: (Watches with all curiosity and confusion) What does this mean? Why?

Myself: (mustering up all the courage and strength for one last sentence) You listened.

The lights start to flicker. The colour fades, the room disappears, yet the tools on the table still remains.

Stranger: (wakes up groggily and confused) Where am I ?

Myself: That was quite the sleep you had there. You must be very confused now.

All what happened in your sleep was defintely true except for the last. That is what I call your imagination taking the best of you. You do not need to know the details of how and when your imagination took the best of you.

Everyone before you listened, doesn’t mean it makes you special enough for me to give you up.

So, now that is done, I am sure you are well rested for what I have in store for you.

(Muffled screams try to escape the room but of no avail, stranger cannot be heard and will never be heard. Creative and intruguing ways to kill are being done with different tools. A new person, a new different approach.

The screams stop, the walls are decorated with red. The job is done. Out the black door, I walk out with a smile plastered on my face.

I have done my confession and my sin.

Who next? )

7. The Epilogue



Have I done my job…?

I know how to play you

I know how to keep you in this trap 

I know what to do to you but if I reveal it, I won’t be that good of a creator that I think I am. 

Will I now? 

I know I should not keep it too short, otherwise I lose you or you feel too incomplete and decide not to reengage 

You feel there is no context 

I know I should not keep it too long because then you might lose interest in me

You might see through my act

You might find that pattern and let it be 

You will fail to see what else lies beneath if I complete it all in this long stretch 

You will depart and I don’t want that

I want you to stay as long as I want 

For that to happen, this piece needs to achieve and find that delicate balance of inquisition, naivety, complexity, delicacy, manipulation by me so that I keep you in this long run 

I think I have found it, now I need to test it out and see if it works

If it does, I will continue 

If it doesn’t, I re-evaluate, repeat, research and see why you are not deep into it like I am 

I do not know for how long it will last but I intend for you to be in this whole ride 

Now I have lost that drift and I am wide awake desperate to go back to that slumber that awaits me but you know what to do always don’t you? 

You play with me a lot

You trick me and I end up falling to it every god damn time 

What have I done?

5. Complete

Continued from 4. From the land of the lost and tired, I have found my way

I am afraid of not jotting all of you down

You play and toy with me

All these thoughts appear at once and once I close my eyes and drift off; these thoughts and words never make its mark again

They fade away just like the rest 

Now that I have written and stored you down

I feel complete and I feel myself drift off 

I let that drift take over me welcomingly

Let me flow into that land that awaits me 

I have completed you 

A week of philosophies, The conclusion.

Day 7

17th September 2018

 

So here lies the end…

An end to all the learnings.

It was a very enlightening experience indeed.

I have learnt some different philosophies of lives and I am happy to say that I have incorporated a bit of each into my life. I am learning and trying, after all I am just a human.

It also feels a bit ovewhelming and tiring reminding myself of these philosophies at each and every moment when things go bad. It gets hard.

So I try to take 5 deep breaths. In that 5 deep breaths, I think and evaluvate, I let myself be calm and not overreact. I try to think before I do or say anything. I think about what I have learnt in this week. It helps me.

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Trust me, I have quite the bit of the temper and a difficult mentality and reaction to changes and I know giving out advice is easy but following them is very hard. But I have to try. I can be equally optimistic and pessimistic. It’s like a balance but I try really hard not to let the bad affect me because it would not destroy me but also destory the ones that I love. We can’t be a saint and a positive goodie tosho at all times, but if it’s possible we can try.  Trying is one step close to suceeding.

The world and the life that I live can have some bad days but they won’t last forever, probably some of it’s effects might, but that’s the thing about life. One can never truly be a 100% happy, but we can try.

I look forward to life teaching me more and I look forward for all the lessons that lie ahead.

This is my last post whilst I am in Dubai.So this week of learnings has prepared me for that ride and journey. Until next time, my beautiful home, family and friends. It’s a tough ride, even though I am completely not up for it, I still do have to go.

It’s all going to be worth it, some day. I can’t wait for that some day to happen, while it may take some time, I am going to try and make the best of the life that I am having right now.

 

Quote to end the day

Some things are worth it in the long run and this ride is. 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj