How long?

I go to sleep with tears rolling down my face making its way to seep into the pillows

I have drenched myself into a beautiful melancholy of sad music. As each tone begins to play, I start to associate different moments of sadness to it.

I want to go back home  A home filled with memories and moments I lived happily in  I want to run through fields of time and spend each moment getting lost in those fields. 

My heart throbs and pounds  It races and runs out of breath  My mind races to help but it too gets stuck in its own quick sands I do not struggle with getting out, so I just accept my choice to sink. 

The thing with getting out using force is that you never free of yourself from what you feel You are abrupt with the escape  You are not closured You leave it and move on…

When it comes back later, it comes with a powerful wave and knocks you down again but  this time, it promises to be stay there for longer and will make you feel everything you once forgot to allow yourself to feel.

I am so confused  I want to cry endlessly  Every moment that once scared me is coming back to haunt me Every moment where I spent nights crying inside my mind is coming back to suck the tears out of me.

The grudges that I carry inside me, I do not anymore I am not proud of those grudges  I want to feel liberated but how can I when people think so wrong of me? I want you to be happy, person. When I speak of you, visible moments of hate present themselves but my grudge does not continue to lament.

All I know is that I have a feeling growing inside me, a feeling to be loved I want to engage in acts of love without having to think about next day’s and regrets I want someone to be beside and hug me, placing sweet and sensual kisses on the side of my neck while telling me everything is okay.  I want to drift into the unknown with him.  Why would anyone ever love me and for what? For just one long second, I want to act without having to think about consequences.

I want to cry  I want to cry and pour my heart out I am doing everything I can to make this happen but nothing seems to work. Instead, I have this anxiousness building up and I have no cracks for my tears to come through 

How long will I have to cover up the deep gnashes cutting me so that others won’t judge us all?  Why hide the truth when everyone knows it but it can’t be brought to light because the world would look down on us?  How longer would I have to care? Why care about the world at all when it is our lives being lived? Give me an answer and I will remain silent  I do not want to be a pawn to be sacrificed for the greater good.

It is not easy growing up because more feelings come into play and sometimes there is no way to comfort them  My imagination cannot always fix it for me  That very imagination wrecks my soul.

Feelings create poetry  Sadness creates beauty 

How long can I convince myself to deny the  thing that fixes a part of my life because of the consequences that come with it?  I seem to be loosing at everything I care about. 

As I get ready to sleep onto my pillow The stars in my sky fall down leaving a canvas of black  My sadness says goodbye letting me rest for tonight promising to invite itself back again for an other time

Until then. 

To not care or to care, That is the question.

You were a produce amongst many of the others 

I chose you out of the many

I nurtured you and I fed you 

I fed you with everything you wanted, needed and secretly demanded

Without a moment of hesitation I submitted it all to you

You are a taste one acquires at first but then fails to spit it out letting the venom make its habitat in you

You are a taste that is full of disdain and delusion

You are a poisonous thorn tricked to hide among the flowers and then you strike

You were like the rest but I guess I was never fully over your kind which is why I keep growing you

You spread like a plague in my veins and it furiates me 

I fed and fed, your hunger remains an itch 

I hear and hear, and now my ears are bleeding

I have hurt and hurt, and your hunger loves it 

I know how to get rid of you and when I do decide to unleash the cure, those will be the days you will fear and break

My cure carries so much of hatred and truth that it will forever petrify you and the impact would carry on for the remainder of its time

Your wounds might heal but my cure will always leach on to you

I let you grow into the skies, I let you reach the clouds not soley by my help but you took in the others as well, they helped you without knowing what they are in for

I stay on the ground with my knife sharpened ready to stem you off when the times arrive 

Why I do this, I will never know 

I let these thoughts get into my head and they make me dance 

You are scared of me, now I know but I want to destroy and make you bleed

My toungue itches to make you cry and bleed for what you do but I remain silent with these burning aches and not letting the fumes take over entirely 

I let you feel the scorching sun a bit by bit

I will let you get used to these rays, needful and cancerous 

I will never unleash my full power on you because I know I will forever break you and I do not want to be haunted for the remainder of my life as I still desire to be a bit of a good human on the inside.

You want to be seen, you want to be the force that breaks and makes it all

You want a life you can never have 

You can have it but you are too deluded by your posion to see through your act

You blame me

You strike me in the back with my own weapons

You feed me your hurtful words through your dying self 

And yet you seem to be the one in the right 

You seem to still be the flower amongst the many 

And now I have no choice but to cut off you from the fields 

You have leeched onto my depleting self and have taken my sanity and peace

You have ripped me of my happiness and put these questionable sins in my head 

Are you worth the sins?

The sins that I should be proud of

The sins that will determine my place in hell