Stranger

Hey Stranger

I have all these people around me. These people who love me but I can never find myself to talk as openly as I would like. There is always a wall that will stand between them and me. I build this wall and refuse to climb over it or let anyone break it down. When times comes, I might let the right person break it down or I will.

I subconsciously always refrain myself from telling you all my truest feelings because I don’t want my stories to burden you or I don’t feel comfortable telling them to you no matter how much I love you. I don’t know what the problem is, all I know is that I am not comfortable with crossing that boundary.

I hate myself for that, but I also don’t. I don’t think I can remember ever having much open conversations where I have laid out all my true feelings. This does not mean I lie to you, I just haven’t laid out the full picture. I have only given you the icing, the information I think is necessary or the maximum I can give. The whole cake remains, and I don’t think I will let anyone take that entire bite.

When I try to tell you it all, something happens that makes me not tell you. These might be excuses my mind conjures up into tricking not to say to you, but I believe these excuses. I feel like I let you open up completely, but you don’t want to do it for me. Maybe this is just my mind. I don’t know.

If I ever want to explode and spill out all my secrets and the feelings I am harbouring, I think I can only do it with a stranger because they don’t know me. We both are going in with zero contextual knowledge of each other. So I will not be afraid of them judging me or having to worry about how I am burdening them because we might never see each other again after this.
We can talk and talk and promise to never meet each other again until the next time or perhaps move onto another stranger to avoid all the connection with the previous.

I guess I feel more at ease about talking my truest stories or feelings with strangers because, with the people I love, I don’t know how to. I guess I am afraid of thier thought process when speaking to me and maybe of the words they would use to reply back.

It’s too complicated. I value your love, maybe that’s why it hurts. I am afraid of things changing after I tell you about what keeps me up at night. I guess I am not sure if I want to let you in on all my vulnerabilities or my thoughts.

I can’t seem to place a finger on what it is that is keeping me from exploding my secrets to you.
Perhaps it has been in my family and nature not to reveal too much of ourselves out to the world because then that is how they will perceive us, through pity eyes. Perhaps it is the doubt of you taking advantage of my vulnerabilities.
It is never one reason. It is a whole multitude of them.

I have always made up these stories of spilling out everything, having these talks I have always wanted to have with someone. I am not sure if it will ever function in reality, considering I can’t even share the truest of my feelings with my family and best friends.

It sucks, it’s not their fault. It’s mine. I can’t seem to do it. It looks so easy, but it is so hard.

When you ask me how I have been, I give answers such as I am fine, which I actually am. It’s there will always be these buried stories and pain with me that I can never truly get out in the open. It’s just there continuing to live alongside my life.
So I keep all this inside me, and I just let it be because that is how I have done and I don’t know anything that could change it now.

So that’s why I talk to you stranger because you know me because you are me, but I can’t even be brutally honest with you too because that would crush us both.

So Readers, I place the burden on you and spill out my secrets to you because it is your concern now. I am not afraid of you because you have become my vessel upon which I can spill onto. You hold me.

You and the world are now my strangers. You will always be my strangers. I tell you a majority of the story but never the whole truth because that’s just how. I hide the truth in lines I know you will never be able to decipher because that’s just how.
So in a way, I tell the whole truth. Sometimes.

The Endgame…

A thing you should know about me is that I care very deeply for movies, shows and books especillay the ones that I have invested my life and time in, it is a part of me, so some people might think that this is all a bit too much but frankly, I do not care because this is me. I love this bit about myself. Loving these movies, shows and books with all this passion and intensity is what I love the most. I feel infinite.

Coming to the point on what this piece is going to be about, I have been a fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe as long as I can remember and I just watched Endgame, the movie that brought that saga to an end. The movie that brought a decade to an end.

Relax; I am not to be giving out any spoilers because I am not the fan that will ever betray my family like that. I respect and worship the work way too much to do that and also life taught me that in hard ways.

Coming back to what this piece is about; my mind and heart cannot fathom to bring itself in terms with what I witnessed and were a part of. I watched the movie two times in a row and I am feeling all these emotions that I don’t know how to control. I am drowning in them; not in the way that I enjoy but to the point where my heart physically pains and I need a way to heal.

So here I am pouring out my emotions because I feel this could be my way of healing.

I wander around these empty spaces with a heavy heart

I feel my heart getting crushed by the weight of the boulder that has been dropped from the heights above

It was cathartic

I sit here buried in tears and crash into the warmth of my comforter

I made the mistake of not understanding how broken I would be after I a saga come to an end

I have been in this ride for years and years knowing but also not knowing what it was all leading up to…

I fell in love with all of them, I fell in love with how each of them progressed with time

I fell madly in love with the family and the team

I too have a weakness like every other being, my mind does not want to be bias but my heart has been tuned out differently

I have given my heart to the people that were since the dawn of the time, to the people that lay the foundation for this great miracle, the team that started the intitiative and set up the saga

These stories were intense but fun, heart shattering but carried a sense of bitter sweetness,

Enemies were made, Friendships were made and broken, Teams came together yet also fell apart. Everything and anything managed to happen

Chaos erupted across the galaxies

I have shed tears, I have laughed, I have rejoiced, I have been gutted. I have loved. I have hated. I have felt everything I possibly can through these stories.

My heart would always lie with the six. The origins of a greater good. The start to it all.

Over the years, it all lied in the tiny fragments, each fragment carried a piece ultimately leading up to the end, the end for many of us but also a beginning to a new dawn

I never realised how embedded I was in this until I realised I may never see them again. I failed to understand how much of a mess and a chaos I would be. I underestimated how much I would be affected. I did not put it into count.

I stroll along those memory lanes and dwell when times were simpler. To the times I knew they would come back.

My mind and heart refuse to fathom that it has come to an end, a conclusion. An end where I will never see them return again.

As the sun sets, a new dawn arises and that is what had happened

I thank you and will always cherish you Marvel.

Like they said, “Part of the journey is the end.”

I look forward to what you have in store for us.

Thank you for the best 11 years and for the best 22 movies you have given us.