I have all these people around me. These people who love me but I can never find myself to talk as openly as I would like. There is always a wall that will stand between them and me. I build this wall and refuse to climb over it or let anyone break it down. When times comes, I might let the right person break it down or I will.
I subconsciously always refrain myself from telling you all my truest feelings because I don’t want my stories to burden you or I don’t feel comfortable telling them to you no matter how much I love you. I don’t know what the problem is, all I know is that I am not comfortable with crossing that boundary.
I hate myself for that, but I also don’t. I don’t think I can remember ever having much open conversations where I have laid out all my true feelings. This does not mean I lie to you, I just haven’t laid out the full picture. I have only given you the icing, the information I think is necessary or the maximum I can give. The whole cake remains, and I don’t think I will let anyone take that entire bite.
When I try to tell you it all, something happens that makes me not tell you. These might be excuses my mind conjures up into tricking not to say to you, but I believe these excuses. I feel like I let you open up completely, but you don’t want to do it for me. Maybe this is just my mind. I don’t know.
If I ever want to explode and spill out all my secrets and the feelings I am harbouring, I think I can only do it with a stranger because they don’t know me. We both are going in with zero contextual knowledge of each other. So I will not be afraid of them judging me or having to worry about how I am burdening them because we might never see each other again after this. We can talk and talk and promise to never meet each other again until the next time or perhaps move onto another stranger to avoid all the connection with the previous.
I guess I feel more at ease about talking my truest stories or feelings with strangers because, with the people I love, I don’t know how to. I guess I am afraid of thier thought process when speaking to me and maybe of the words they would use to reply back.
It’s too complicated. I value your love, maybe that’s why it hurts. I am afraid of things changing after I tell you about what keeps me up at night. I guess I am not sure if I want to let you in on all my vulnerabilities or my thoughts.
I can’t seem to place a finger on what it is that is keeping me from exploding my secrets to you. Perhaps it has been in my family and nature not to reveal too much of ourselves out to the world because then that is how they will perceive us, through pity eyes. Perhaps it is the doubt of you taking advantage of my vulnerabilities. It is never one reason. It is a whole multitude of them.
I have always made up these stories of spilling out everything, having these talks I have always wanted to have with someone. I am not sure if it will ever function in reality, considering I can’t even share the truest of my feelings with my family and best friends.
It sucks, it’s not their fault. It’s mine. I can’t seem to do it. It looks so easy, but it is so hard.
When you ask me how I have been, I give answers such as I am fine, which I actually am. It’s there will always be these buried stories and pain with me that I can never truly get out in the open. It’s just there continuing to live alongside my life. So I keep all this inside me, and I just let it be because that is how I have done and I don’t know anything that could change it now.
So that’s why I talk to you stranger because you know me because you are me, but I can’t even be brutally honest with you too because that would crush us both.
So Readers, I place the burden on you and spill out my secrets to you because it is your concern now. I am not afraid of you because you have become my vessel upon which I can spill onto. You hold me.
You and the world are now my strangers. You will always be my strangers. I tell you a majority of the story but never the whole truth because that’s just how. I hide the truth in lines I know you will never be able to decipher because that’s just how. So in a way, I tell the whole truth. Sometimes.
Going to IKEA felt oddly at home. It was surprisng on how a furniture retail company sparks such sheer amounts of happiness!
It was always the best outing with family and friends. When a member of the family suggests going to IKEA, damn oh damn! Our weekends are made!
It is like Christmas! One can just go to IKEA without a wallet and just spend hours over there walking and exploring the difference sections. We are the type to take our wallets with us because you never know. IKEA sure has tricks upon its sleeve to trap you and it sure is an efficient trap!
You know you love IKEA when from a mile, you see that big store logo and your heart starts to beat in excitement thinking of the wonderful day and the fun you are going to have! As you inch closer to that big store, you can’t wait to step your foot in and go crazy!
When you enter, you are greeted with the decor. It quickly sets you into a good mood!
IKEA is never empty. It amazes me on how it always packed regardless of the time or the day!
Exploring the different rooms IKEA had is the most favourite thing of all. Each layout and room rooms gave me different inspiration as to how my dream house would be.
I have always thought that living in IKEA would be the best dream to achieve. I have also made plans as to how I could achieve this.
Plan 1: Steal the invisible cloak from Harry Potter, use the invisble cloak, hide under the duvet and wait for everyone to leave and the store to shut down, then it’s time to party!
Plan 2: Hide under the duvet, wait for everyone to leave and the store to shut down, then it’s time to party!
Not much of variation in the plan, but it is still a plan!
Just imagine, if bored with your current room, you have the comfort of shifting from one room to an other! That’s the magic of IKEA! Offering you different styles and comfort all under a building.
How I usually spend my time in IKEA
In the different rooms , I would go from the bedoom, to the bathroom and then to the kitchen taking notes of how I would incoporate such styles into my dream home. (Would only have the luxury of implementing it, only I were rich! SIGH )
Then in all the bedrooms, I would open the wardrobes and be in awe of how everything is so organized neatly and marvel upon the efficency of utilizng space and storage in such a tiny wardrobe.
I have also imagined situations. When guests come, I will impress them with the multittude of rooms I have to offer and they will gape upon it! I will lead them from one room to another. “This is my bedroom and now we walk into the kitchen.”
When I sit on the chairs in the living room, I imagine the type of conversations I would have with people, the books I would be reading sitting on this chair in this living space and watching TV!
I would stare at office spaces and book shelves and desperately wish, ” Damn, I wish I had that now or Damn, I wish I could have that!”
After careful exploration and fantasies, I then move onto other sections of IKEA, marvelling at all the toys, decor and crockery I would buy for my home!
The kitchen layouts are the most beautiful and desirable ones in IKEA! Oh how I would love for all those storage units! I imagine what I would put in each of those shelving units and how it would all be so efficent for my cooking! Those hard wood floors, marble countertops, the big kitchen counter where I would chop vegetables, prepare batter for cakes! I imagine it all!
I could just imagine me going full out like those chefs in movies, “Julie and Julia” “Chef”
Marble coloured crockery to go with the ambience of my kitchen! Such a beautiful dream!
It is not only the interiors of the room that I like but different sections of IKEA, the furniture, the decoartions, the room designs, the toys, the plants! Everything you need for a home, it is all there!
IKEA, such a long walk! Following the directions on the floor, one room leading to another and so on. It’s a fantasy land! You never know what to expect!
Going to IKEA with the family is always a joy but fights do spring up when one cannot control one’s urges and wishes to buy everything the store offers. We go to IKEA planning to buy one item and emerge out of the store with that one item and many others.
Well one thing that IKEA is known for are its Swedish meatballs! Everyone goes crazy for them! I have always wanted to try it but never got around to do it. The restaraunt in IKEA is always super packed thus making it impossible for a non patient person like me to try their food.
I hate waiting but I always do get a hot dog from them! I feel hot dogs from stores like these are just better!
I don’t think anyone ever has had a bad time in IKEA. I might be wrong but for a dysfunctional family like mine, we sure do have good times there!
My mind does not work today and it has just taken on the role of making me feel miserable about every aspect of myself.
I am sad and I just want to be in my bed all day.
I want to move on from being sad but I do not want to.
I also want to be sad and just not want to relish in any other emotion today.
My heart wants to go out, do things that will make me feel anything but my body and face phsycially can’t move any of its muscles. It just stays there paralysed.
I am hungry but I do not want to eat. I watch the hours go by and decide when I want to eat, but I don’t.
I get myself out of bed because my bed no longer feels comfortable. I try my best to not prolonge this sadness, so I clean my room and attemp to clean myself in hopes that a change would improve my mood but it doesn’t.
I do not want to do anything.
My heart tells me to go and seek for companions, my heart tells me to go and seek for anything but this. My heart tugs on my strings tighly causing my chest to pain but I just sit here and do nothing. I take a deep breath and continue to do nothing.
I hope this passes away because I do not like feeling this way but for now, I do not mind this. Why do I want to feel this way now? I do not know. Perhaps there would be a lesson for me to learn.
This sadness, is this real? I do not know. I can’t figure out what mood I am in right now. I do not want to talk to people but I just wish someone would ask me “how are you?” or any question related and I could just answer “fine”. Just asking this question is enough for me. It would make me feel nice because I know someone atleast bothers to care about me.
Just for one day, I would like someone to focus on me and listen to everything I want to try and say. Just this one day, I would like to not go after you and instead would prefer you after or for me.
Am I choosing to feel this way so that my artistic drive has something to write about or am I geuninely sad? I do not know anymore. I am conflicted and I need help.
17th & 18th early morning, November 2019
Days are going by. I am still sad but not wholely. I am keeping myself occupied with things that matter most to me but I still am sad. I try so much to move on from what keeps me sad but I can’t.
My heart starts to physically ache, my chest at times starts to close in on me and I can’t breathe. I breathe in and out and I some how manage to get myself back on track.
My insecurities start to pile up one after the other reminding me of horrible facts and outcomes. I feel worthless and my constant fear of no one ever loving me comes to haunt me and makes me sad. My constant fear of being a failure comes to haunt me and makes me sad.
Everything that I think about makes me sad. Everyone around me makes me feel insecure.
I know why I am upset. I know why I am like this right now. I feel terrible that I let this reason affect me so much. I hate myself for it but there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to go through and deal with this hoping time would make it better and easy.
I look at the hours and wait to go to sleep but I do not want to. I can feel my eyes wanting to shut down but I try to be awake for just a few more hours so that I can sleep after exhausting myself of all thoughts.
Whenever I feel like I have made progress, I am just becoming worse. Perhaps being worse and then feeling better is what I need right now.
I scream inside to “please stop this” but no avail.
18th November Mid day, 2019
A new day yet the same old sadness.
I think I am getting better and slowly forgetting why I am sad. Who am I kidding? I guess I should fake it till I reach it.
I just hope it gets better.
For now, time does not seem to be working in my favour.
I shift back and forth between faces I show to my friends and family and then to myself. It has become tiring.
I do not know how to talk about this or who to talk to. I just am not good with this. Even if asked, I know I will not provide the full truth. So I guess, I should just keep this to myself and do my process of making it go away.
I want to cry because I know once I start crying with my heart and eyes, this sadness will start to leave bit by bit but the problem is I can’t bring myself to cry. I do not know how to cry or what to cry about. I do not know what trigger to use.
I woke up to a good day! The skies were clear but now it’s a bit dark out. It’s moody, grey and comfortable; my cup of chai!
Started of the day talking to my mom, dad and grandparents. I had fun! They told me I glowed which made me happy. It was just one of those days where I woke up warm. I laughed along with them in certain memories, was embarssed to hear and be part of some memories but I enjoyed it!
There were moments of sadness in the conversation but today, I chose not to relish in any of that for a change.
I chose not to brood over current challenges and just be cozy today. I decided to read a book, watch a show, listen to some music and go out exploring with my best friend for food!
In many ways, it was turning out to be a “cozy” Saturday I wanted in a long time.
I then started to wonder how wonderful all our minds were, the reason being I remembered a very insiginfcant detail of my dream and I was just curious and amazed by how our minds remember those tiny moments or objects we just saw and then project them into our dreams.
Our mind is a labyrinth streaming many different things, each opening up to a new sense of wholeness or emptiness. A weird labyrinth designed and made for every one of us.
Each thought that I was creating and living it now was aligning up and I couldn’t be more at peace and calm. One thought leading to an other creating a sort of a perfect order in my mind. My system was finally understanding what it means to have your mind in order and learning that a small break from life can achieve wonders to your work.
Later after watching a few episodes, I had then gone to take a shower and came out fresh as the Kerala monsoons. I then opened the blinds and my heart was pleased and in love with the darkness outside my window. The golden lights from the houses illuminated and I saw everything. The green, the hills, the city. I saw it all and I was happy.
I was also happy and excited on the thought of going home. The thought of going back to be with my mom and dad kept me going. Many of the days, it was the sole reason that kept me going through.
I did not worry or overthink over simple things/matters close to the heart today. I treated my mind and heart to a shower which kept its promise in making their troubles go away.
For the first time in god knows how long, I experienced peace and warmth not by escaping into a world of mine but rather into this world I live in.
I want to have more days like these and I also want to know how I can stop doubting myself and be more confident in what I can do.
Today, I believe that I will be fine. I want to keep having that belief now and forever.
Rather than fixating on things that are wrong with this world, with me or around me, I wanted to remember the things that make me thankful for the life I have.
I wanted to remind myself there are many things to thank for, but I don’t do it enough.
My Thank You To Everyone
Thank you to my family for pushing me to my dreams, for being the essential backbone to my life, for loving me, for doing so much more than I ask for!
Thank you to my mom and dad for every single thing you have done for me. Thank you for your sacrifices! Thank you for everything! Thank you for bringing me to this Earth so that I can live this good life!
Thank you grandmom and grandad for being the best, for helping my mom, dad and I so much! Thank you for your wonderful smiles and help! I miss you all very much!
Thank you to my Vellima, Resmy Swaminathan for being the pillar of strentgh to everybody! God bless your soul and I always know you are there for me and my family because the stars have never shined brighter! You will always live in all our hearts.
Thank you to my friends and my best friends for being there and for allowing me to be the real me. Thank you for sticking through, thank you for the memories, thank you for the fun times, thank you for the emotional everything! Thank you millions!
Thank you to the frenemies for doing what you did. I do not regard this in a bad sense, but I thank you because I have learnt more about myself through these experiences and if not for you, I perhaps would have stuck to my crooked ways and not realized why I hurt you. Thank you for teaching me about the different people in this world.
Thank you to those specific teachers who saw me for who I am, who supported me, who favoured me, who loved me, who taught me the best, and for being one of the reasons to the best school life I ever had.
Thank you to my school and my friends for making half of my school experience as fantastic as possible! Thank you for fun overnight camps, thank you for a visit to the parks where we could have fun, thank you for the morning assemblies, thank you for everything!
Thank you to my home for giving me the sanity to go through life. Thank you to the specific corners of my house where I can slip through to escape some of the wraths.
Thank you, Dubai and the streets for giving me my peace and calm.
Thank you, Kerala for your authenticity, language, emotions, songs, monsoon rains and greenery!
Thank you, Singapore, for helping me adjust to you and for trapping me in a lovely trance for you!
Thank you night drives for helping me build a support system to rely back to. Thank you for creating a path of nostalgia to keep me going!
Thank you Beaches, The Seas and The Oceans for giving me the depth and passion I need. Thank you skies for making my days a fantasy! Thank you rains and moody skies for motivating me in a weird way and for helping me remember my home.
Thank you to all the songs I listen to, thank you for being there and not going away. Thank you for being the support I needed. Thank you for your words. When no one else seems to understand, you are there.
Thank you movies and shows for helping me build a world where I can escape to! Thank you for enlightening me in all ways as possible!
Thank you writers, poets, novels and books for exisiting! Thank you for everything magical you have provided me with!
Thank you to life for helping me grab opportunities that help me advance towards progress!
Thank you to my mind for helping me think about the logics of the situation. Thank you to my mind for helping me realize many of the things my heart fails to capture.
Thank you to my heart for making me human. Thank you to my heart and soul for supplying me with emotions that elevate me to new and the unknown.
Thank you to my body for keeping me alive and for giving me the ability to do a lot!
Thank you, nature for your existence and for helping us live! Thank you for the beautiful and breathtaking sights you offer! Thank you for being there for us! I am in awe of your strength, and I will try my best to help you in whatever ways possible so all of us can keep you safe and healthy!
I Thank You God for helping me, my family, my friends and the world in whatever ways possible! Thank you to the universe and the Gods for being a hand in making my dreams come true!
I apologoize if I might have missed not thanking any of you for your help but I am in debt and thankful for your existence and everything you have done for me!
Thank you to the old times. Thank you for the present and I look forward to Thank You, The imminent future!
I go to sleep with tears rolling down my face making its way to seep into the pillows
I have drenched myself into a beautiful melancholy of sad music. As each tone begins to play, I start to associate different moments of sadness to it.
I want to go back home A home filled with memories and moments I lived happily in I want to run through fields of time and spend each moment getting lost in those fields.
My heart throbs and pounds It races and runs out of breath My mind races to help but it too gets stuck in its own quick sands I do not struggle with getting out, so I just accept my choice to sink.
The thing with getting out using force is that you never free of yourself from what you feel You are abrupt with the escape You are not closured You leave it and move on…
When it comes back later, it comes with a powerful wave and knocks you down again but this time, it promises to be stay there for longer and will make you feel everything you once forgot to allow yourself to feel.
I am so confused I want to cry endlessly Every moment that once scared me is coming back to haunt me Every moment where I spent nights crying inside my mind is coming back to suck the tears out of me.
The grudges that I carry inside me, I do not anymore I am not proud of those grudges I want to feel liberated but how can I when people think so wrong of me? I want you to be happy, person. When I speak of you, visible moments of hate present themselves but my grudge does not continue to lament.
All I know is that I have a feeling growing inside me, a feeling to be loved I want to engage in acts of love without having to think about next day’s and regrets I want someone to be beside and hug me, placing sweet and sensual kisses on the side of my neck while telling me everything is okay. I want to drift into the unknown with him. Why would anyone ever love me and for what? For just one long second, I want to act without having to think about consequences.
I want to cry I want to cry and pour my heart out I am doing everything I can to make this happen but nothing seems to work. Instead, I have this anxiousness building up and I have no cracks for my tears to come through
How long will I have to cover up the deep gnashes cutting me so that others won’t judge us all? Why hide the truth when everyone knows it but it can’t be brought to light because the world would look down on us? How longer would I have to care? Why care about the world at all when it is our lives being lived? Give me an answer and I will remain silent I do not want to be a pawn to be sacrificed for the greater good.
It is not easy growing up because more feelings come into play and sometimes there is no way to comfort them My imagination cannot always fix it for me That very imagination wrecks my soul.
Feelings create poetry Sadness creates beauty
How long can I convince myself to deny the thing that fixes a part of my life because of the consequences that come with it? I seem to be loosing at everything I care about.
As I get ready to sleep onto my pillow The stars in my sky fall down leaving a canvas of black My sadness says goodbye letting me rest for tonight promising to invite itself back again for an other time