Thoughts in the sky

In the admits of the clouds flying and soaring high amongst different shades of colours. I see all possibilities of a happy time but none can comfort me at this moment.

Right now I am in a moment of nervousness and sadness. Even if it was coming to Dubai for 4 days for an urgent matter, it felt out of place.

I should be happy going back to home for at least a small time shouldn’t I, but then why am I not?

 

The night before the journey

I was afraid to sleep, so I drank a cup of coffee and I usually never drink coffee because I have always found a bitterness to it but now that was what I needed to stay awake throughout the night.

I spent the night watching 3 of my favorite movies and eating snacks.

I took a puff to calm myself down, and it helped for a bit but then I fell back to the same old system again

It took me some time to adjust myself to the routine I made for myself. I was interested to go for my classes this year because I got to choose the modules I wished and wanted.

I was interested because I got into a good volunteering program and it upsets me to know that I won’t be there for the first meeting of the project.

I did not want to leave the life and my friends just for four days that would disrupt my whole life pattern.

I was trying to be happy, going back to my mom, that’s one bonus I am acquiring and her home made food, but I still am not calm about it. I also had the chance to meet two of my best friends after a long time and I got to admit, this was the best highlight.

And I know once I reach, I will find it hard to come back to Uni because that’s just me.

Once I land Dubai, I know it’s going to take everything in me not to fall apart and wish to stay there for as long as possible. I would wish and pray for those 4 days not to end and on the day of departure, I would be a wreck and I need to start adjusting myself again.

This is the process that I hate and absolutely despise.

But I find myself ready to come back to Uni, I am preparing myself.

Not to cry, not to fall apart. That’s the power of home, once you even take a step into it, you are gravitated right into the center and it would take all your wits and mights to break free from the force.

 

 The moment the plane landed in Dubai 

I knew the timer started to set for my return to UK and that’s the hardest part but now I am calm with it

Listening to some good songs helped me out and whilst I am here I am going to try and not focus on that

Uni ain’t that bad and I am finding it really lit and happy this year,  and I can finally call it home because of the place and the people who made it special but, there will always be that but.

 

The day to leave

A few hours left to go.

I am feeling alright, not great but exisiting and being alright.

I am excited to get back to the routine that I have made for myself. I am eager to study, be with my friends, make notes, be in my room and have my alone time.

At the moment, an overwhelming surge of sadness and heart break has taken over me. Leaving my mom and Dubai never became easier.

But this is all for the best.

 

What we go through now, it’s all helping us prepare for a greater change and life. All these emotions, feelings and changes are my lessons. I am trying real hard to be the type of student who learns from it and use it at some point in life. Or just learn and deal with it for the fun of doing it.

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

 

Changes

This phrase, everything happens for the best and Change is good. I do not know what to make of it.

What is the protocol here? What is expected of me?

Changes simply kept happening everywhere and I slowly felt myself loosing my grasp on the world I lived in.

 

Incident that took place at August 2018

There was this small yogurt place down in box park, Jumeirah. The last time I had been there was with my family and grandparents. It was a beautiful time indeed.

I wished to go back there again because of box park and that small place amidst the fancy shops, big ship containers designs beautifully and when the night sets in,  beautiful lights surround and create the most magical and beautiful vibe.

My cousins had come to Dubai and we took them around La Mer and box park. It was Dubai’s highlight. Everything about this place had a certain aura and magic to it. Growing up around these streets and witnessing the changes around was one of a kind experience.

So coming back to the yogurt place, to mark the end of my day with my cousins, I wished to go there and have a frozen yogurt, It was always a tradition, whenever we would go there, we would always have that frozen yogurt. Big enough for a family because we weren’t that much of a sweet tooth when it came to things like these but for other desserts, yes.

So, in the hopes and excitement of getting a yogurt, I was filled with emotions and when we reached there, we were unable to find it. I still did not lose hope but it all came crashing down when the security guard over there told us that that place closed down months ago.

At that very moment, my heart dropped into the deepest pit of my body, then it broke into small pieces and was scattered all over into the depths of that pit. It felt as if going into a black void and with no way out to see the surface ever again.

That change, why was that change for the best or for the good? That change was bad. Businesses shutting down, people losing jobs, this country was becoming so costly to live in. The old Dubai essence whizzed away. This was not the Dubai I once grew up in. Certain parts of it still remain the same, but still. Why did that change happen? What good was it?

 

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My home, changed so much and I love it to the best. Leaving it is always was the hard part. When I had to leave my home for uni, that change. It was nice at first but then it took for a worse turn when I got homesick and cried every day. How was that change good or for the best? Probably it was for the best because I was getting a good education and making my life ready.

But what good were the changes at my home? They weren’t great, no one was happy.

 

“People are always telling you that change is a good thing. But all they’re really saying is that something you didn’t want to happen at all… has happened.”

-A quote from the movie you’ve got mail. 

A quote so true.

 

Right now

Change is the only thing that seems to be one of the constants in my life right now. Starting with family, the most fundamental root, I wish I could say everything is for the best and continue to keep the positive facade, but some times it’s not and it worries me sick about the present and the future.

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I worry about changes a lot. I look forward to the good changes in life, don’t we all?

I still can’t place my feelings on how I feel about change. For the worst or for the best? Is change life’s way of spicing up our’s and it’s lives. Is change a living entitiy that is in all our lives and can only thrive like this in every movement of time?

I also find myself changing a bit, it might be a silly or an insigficant change, but it does matter to me. When it comes to us, every single detail matters. It’s like a spider web, you mess with one string, the whole foundation just falls apart.

I had this habit, whenever I missed my mother, I used to play old malaylam songs because it reminded me of her and when she used to sign and hum to the tunes. It was embedded in me since I was a child. And intially when I came to uni, crying my heart out to it was what I did. I always knew what I was getting myself into when the songs came, long hours of crying and pain.

But now, as I play these songs, I do feel myself drown in the sorrow and pain of my mom not being there with me. The pain of being miles apart resurfaces but I once have not cried to it ever since I got back from my vacations. All of you might find this as a small change, but like I said, even the tiniest of change is a huge deal

I also find people changing, for some profounding reason for the good but then there are the basket cases where I have lost hope in.

So far, it has all been good. I am meeting new and amazing people.

As time gets ticking, my future keeps changing as well, every day has it’s own changes. I am anxious but also excited to see what the future has in store for me.

I am happy with some of the changes so far, exciting changes and moments have been happening for one of my best friend and I couldn’t be more happier and proud of her because she has worked so hard and she desreves it. I am happy with some of the changes that have also been happening to me. Through bad times I have learnt in some good lessons and changes.

And just a few minutes back, I have been blessed with the most amazing news for my family. I am not saying anything out loud because I do not want to jinx or anyone to jinx it because there are some people in the world who really would go to all lengths on destroying one’s family and peace of mind.

 

It’s time to end, and here is how I think I am doing

So, I am getting around just fine despite the storm… 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

 

The Goodbye.

Thursday 27th September, 5:53 PM

It has been quite a while since I have written and now couldn’t be a more better time to write what I feel and am going through. The only way I could express myself when I can’t express with others are through words and sentences. Words understand you and they are there to help and heal you through this. I hope I could get alright.

So the reason as to why I couldn’t write in these few days was because of shifting and well university. My parents had come along with me back to Nottingham to help shift and arrange my room and well just be there for me.

Those 9 days that were there, those 9 days I spent with them, in a matter of 9 seconds, it flew by right away and here we are, in the toughest spot, The Goodbye.

Since the moment the dawn made it’s entrance today, I became glum, sad, nervous and sad again. I cried. I wept, I hugged my mother and did not want her to leave, then we cried. They haven’t left yet, they will leave as a new dawn arises tomorrow, at 1 AM.

Why are goodbyes the hardest? How come it never gets any easier? Every single time, as I went through, it never became easier. It became harder instead. As months and time passed by, I knew one thing for sure. Things would never remian the same and one day, I would be living without them in this world, and that thought ruined and broke me.

I asked my friend the same question and he couldn’t get it more right. In his words,” It’s the bond. The connection. Deeper the bond, harder the goodbyes”

As I write now, tears fill my eyes and vision. Small drops roll down my face and I can’t help but break down both internally and externally.

As the ticking hand of the clock moves, a crack starts to form in my heart, mind and soul. Each agonizing minute passes, the hole gets bigger and deeper.

I have this feeling in my heart, a burning feeling. Not the ones that make you feel good but the one that aches and really burns you. That feeling comprises of nervouseness, anxiousness, scaredness, sadness and well burning sensation. I often get it, sometimes in the middle of no where for no reason and some times getting that feeling in situations is valid.

Right now, I have that feeling and it’s getting too much for me to handle. I can’t breathe. I don’t know.

It’s 11:02 pm and barely a few hours for them to leave.

Starting to feel like a count down to the water works.

Right now, as I see my mom and dad rest their tired  selves on my bed, I can’t help but my heart breaks with sadness as it dawns upon the reliaziation that they are leaving and I can’t physically be with them until my break. They have done so much for me when they came here, and it makes me sad. Seeing them tired is heart breaking.

I have heard all the talks, they will be in your heart, you can talk to them any time of the day but it’s different. I want to be with them in the same place, same area, at my home.

I try to distract myself by watching my favourite shows, by listening to my favourite songs. It works but only for that time being, when it ends, what am I supposed to do?

I am the kind of person that genuinely wants to be left alone when I am upset, sad and angry and also when I want to be alone. I deeply appreciate it when my friends try to distract me by taking me out, having fun and keeping my mind off things but the more they do it, the more difficult it becomes for me to deal with it. At times it really helps and I am glad it did but in the rest of the many times, it hasn’t. I would like to try but forcing is just going to make it worse. I have my own way of deailing with it and it won’t or it doesn’t seem like the best way but it works. I need that time alone to be sad, angry and upset. It helps me.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with what life presents, I am not saying that what I do is the best way, but it helps, but at times it hurts other people seeing me like this and it hurts them because they don’t know how they can help me out. So what am I supposed to do? I would want to be left alone, but also when there is company, I do sometimes forget the troubles life offers. I guess it’s all with the flow.

At 1:00 AM 

It was time for them to leave, half an hour left. I did not have any tears to spare, so I bid farewell and a goodbye to my mom and dad with a small forced smile on my face. As they boarded the cab, I expected myself to cry but to my surprise I didn’t. When I returned back to my room, I felt an instant nostalgaia hit with waves of sadness becuse a few moments before, I was here with my mom and dad. So this goodbye was a good one and a better one. It was a better goodbye probably because I cried it all out earlier, maybe that’s the technique I am going to adopt now.

At 2:34 AM

I am in the comfort of my bed and room. I guess I am calm and not as upset as I hoped to be. Is that a good thing or will it hit me later? I made myself a cup of tea, it was my first tea and it was a success!! I couldn’t be more happier and proud of myself. The tea calmed me down along whilst I watched Victorious on Netflix. I also had a nice chit chat with one of my room mates. It was nice.

I also talked to my parents and well we didn’t seem much upset. It was good. For once, it felt nice not to cry.

And now as the final conclusion, I think I might watch a movie or I might finally sit and complete this post, but I wouldn’t want to force myself to complete this because forced things often never result with the most authentic and close heart felt piece.

It was a good end to a pretty sad day. Ends like these are good and I do hope to seek more.

 

The Goodbye part 2, To be continued…

Breathing in.

” Never had I thought that the scents I would breathe in would someday become the dire drug my body needed in order to exist and often be used to rejuvenate myself back to life. This was that drug that needed to be taken in your life quite often to know that good and joy still exists. It’s a holy blessing.”

 

Disclaimer: Experiences might differ from one indivdiual to another

It was a normal day. Nothing ordinary out of the blue was going to make an entrance into my life.

Dad was coming back from Kerala, after his short visit. So the whole morning was dedicated to his coming. Mom finishing all her jobs in a panic and hurry was a sight my heavy heart had to witness every day. This routine was the usual dose a morning in this household could have. So far, no screams had been hurled because it was just the two of us for now.

I took my morning shower and then proceeded to help my mom ease the panic and the tension. So the first task of the day was to put the old newspapers out for recycling.

Taking the papers in my hand, as soon as I stepped out of the flat, the scent of the corridors eased my panic and helped me relax.

I was happy, I was the nostalgia happy.

For a brief moment, a short movie based on my memory of the happy days in Kerala played. The scent of the corridors took me back to the mornings of Kerala, at my mother’s place.

It started with a house beside the lake. Early mornings, I could hear the temple sermons and songs. That was how the small town woke up.

Later in the day, I could hear the birds chirp and that’s how I woke up. The curtains danced along to the wind, the sun rays lighted up the room and the breezy cold wind woke me up. This alarm clock was one of the world’s best invention and creation. It was my secret and also that of the town’s. It was solely ours.

My morning started with the scent of the warm milk my grandmother made for me.

Then later, the house was filled with the scent of flowers especially of Jasmine’s. We had a small garden at the back, so when we left the back doors open, the smell of that small garden and of the green plot would make its way into the house.

Soon, later in the day, my grandmother’s cooking would take up the scent of the air and it was one of the holiest smell I could ever remember.

Then as the morning events proceded, each scent would follow and arise from different tasks.

The washing of clothes and hanging it on the open terrace had a different smell of its own. I loved every aspect of it. Whilst hanging out the clothes on the terrace, I was gifted with the view of seeing my small town at it’s best every day till I left.

We always came during the monsoon reason, so when it rained. It was a bliss and an escape from the summer heat of Dubai.

When it rained, the drops that would hit the green trees, plants and leaves had a very pleasant smell of its own. The earthy smell when the rain poured down is a wonderful feeling and emotion. The raindrops danced on the roof and provided music to everyone’s ears.

Going through the events of the day, different smells and scents would fill up my nose and my mind.

The days of Kerala always carried the best scents and memories.

That was the end of the corridor whiff.

Now as I stepped into the house, another scent masked the house.

The scent of nostalgia masked again, something unexplained. Another array of nostalgic experiences masked me again.

The old memories of Dubai and Kerala, the memories of my family was dug deep from beneath my heart and was played in my mind.

The early mornings of school flashed through my mind, my mom getting ready to come along with me to bid a nice goodbye when I step on to the school bus. Then would come the afternoon where the fresh smell of my mother’s food would mask the entire house.

The afternoon naps, the tutions, the night rides and walks also decided to make its way into the movie being played in my head.

Then the good memories of the weekend also made its entry. Early morning fresh Agarbathi’s lighted by my dad and a nice temple song to wake me up.

It always fascinated me on how certain scents and smells could trigger some of the deepest fresh memories rooted in my mind.

What I have always liked about this entire process and creation was that none of the bad memories and events that took place in my entire life made even the slightest of guest experience in this head of mine when these scents evoked my memories. This was one of those experiences that had pure goodness and only contained happiness in them.

Later then, I would start missing it all but I was happy that I had these to cherish and they were only mine to be. I was happy and grateful that all of it happened.

How can those same whiffs of scents be recreated when I am at a place far far away from the source? How can these scents be recreated? Why do these scents play back those memories? How and why are always the two questions I have and I have never found a clear answer to it till this day.

This intrigues me.

Despite all my doubts and quests for an answer, The world is a wonder and so is the universe and the galaxy.

These are some of the mysterious workings of the world that I like and would always want as my constant wherever my life takes me and at any age.

 

Figuring out the stages.

I have met quite a fair share of people in my life and there are many more of them to discover and unravel.

Everything, everyone and I make me think. Do I know people? Have I figured it out?

Down below are stages that I have written about the factors present in my life. An advice to myself and to the world.

Let’s introduce the characters on the stage as we go. We are going with the flow folks. 

 

Let’s start with family and the whole lot that comes with it.

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( PS: Notice how I am using a perfect family picture, it’s because I couldn’t find families that want to rip your heads off. Even the internet is being my enemy by showing me perfect families. )

Family, you got it, You got to accept them for who they are. Nothing you can do about it, atleast in your friendships, you can choose who you wanna be with friends with but with family, you can’t choose that.

I love my family, don’t get me wrong. However there are certain attributes that I wish I could change about them.

This perfect family in American Sitcoms is what that’s ruining me and altering my perception. Always wanted that kind of family and still hoping to.

I have learnt a lot from parents and infact from them, I have learnt the do’s and dont’s of parenting. They inspire to be better parents and to have a good family. ( The reasons are for the best and for the absoulte worst. )

Then comes certain cousins and relatives. Why are they like that? Why can’t they be proud of your achievemnts and not wanna bring you down? Why do they wanna sabatoge everything in life? Why have they been made like that? I have relatives who simply cannot be happy for anyone and they just have to ruin everything. Why do some of them have to be the absolute worst crackheads?

Lesson learnt: Family is complicated and complex. Sometimes it can get a heck load of dysfunctional and sometimes you are going to be a crack head. That’s what family does to you. But I still love them. Sometimes you can also hate your family. It differs from people to people.

Also family doesn’t have to be defined by blood relationships. Anyone can be family. I haven’t found that type of family yet but someday, I hope to find that.

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Moving on with friends.

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It’s a lesson I am trying to learn, not every friendship lasts that long, there are going to be changes and if you are wlling to work through it, it’s great, but sometimes if it just vanishes and you guy’s arent as closed as you used to be, its alright. It’s okay. It will take time and you might wonder what you did wrong or what happened?

But that’s life. People change, friendships change.

On a more happier note, I know you are going to find more friends, more ever lasting long friendships. Don’t worry about it. There is a certain time for a certain friendship and be glad that it happened. Don’t let that put you down. Those great memories will always be there and there is nothing that can take you away from that.

And if you are still friends with your friends from school and uni, that’s great and I am glad that it has happened for you and for me!!

I have learnt that as you grow up, you become selecctive of your friends and that is true. It’s not that anything is wrong with you, sometime’s its just that and there is nothing you can do. You can be more open to finding new friendships but if it doesnt make you happy or you think that it affects you in any sort of bad manner, then you know it’s not worth it.

Lesson learnt: There are some friendships meant to be and not meant to be.

 

The thing down below is for some of the people I know….

I know that we all are way far ahead from the word “perfect”, but why are there humans that simply want to see you upset and in sadness. What joys do you get in ruining people’s lives? I am sorry to say you are one of the worst people to ever exist. There is still time to change so why can’t you?

 

Coming to me

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I love to do quizzes online and I am absolutely keen on them, but there is one thing about them that puts me on an edge. It’s the question of what quality do you think you have or lead with or what quality your friend thinks is the best/dominant in you.

Questions like these make me pause and rethink everything about myself. Every quality that I think I have, had or is nonexistent burst open in me.

I have this version of myself in my mind that I think I am, some very few selective people get it to see it and to others lie another side of me that is real but also not completely authentic and real, or so I think?

What if that non authentic and less real was the real me but that doesn’t bring me a 100% happiness and joy to myself, so that option is cut out.

I have this whole version of me in my head. I know I am the person who knows how to have fun only in the comfort of people that I really love and can be myself with. For a matter of fact, I know when I shut off that’s in the presence of people I aint that comforable with, I talk less, I shut myself off because well I dont feel the it factor.

I can be quite the introvert and the extrovert. More of an introvert and also an ambivert. I like that. It might change as times passes by, but for now I am alright with it. But the bigger question still remains, what qualities/traits do I possess, the qualities/traits that are in the human code of conduct? How do I define myself?

Many of the times, defining myself in a set of words/sentences proves to be impossible and a mind numbing task. I am in loss of words for certain adjective traits. I do know some of them but what if other people think that to be false? Should I care? At most times, I tend not to, but I also do.

But I do know that exists certain traits about me, even if the world disagrees, I know that it not to be true because I believe so in myself.

Lesson trying to be learnt: So as of now, I am close to figuring it out, but then new stuff keeps coming along the way.  It’s okay if you havent figured it out or you can’t define yourself in a set of stringed words. I guess you just keep discovering more and more about yourself as time passes by. You learn a lot, you change a lot, there are a lot of lot’s basically.

You are and might differ from time to time. You are going to go through a lot of things.

Just remember, someday. It will all end soon, so try to do the best you can and try to live the best you can because you live only once.

( PS: I do believe in reincarnation, but that’s an other whole complicated topic of discussion, you just live life now.)

The world

There are millions of people out there in this world. They are different.

Some might shock you, some might intrigue you, some might scare you. You are going to get a lot of emotions and feel a lot of things from this world and people in it. Some people probably are the way they want to be and it might hurt you or bring you joy.

That adventure is out for you to discover. I haven’t been on that adventure quite fully yet, but I am hoping to be or have I already been on it.

I think we all are unique and different in certain and many ways.

This is intriguing now….

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Lesson learnt: The world is a teacher and you are a student of it. The roles can also be switched if you want them to be. The world works in the most mysterious and intriguing ways as possible.

 

The finale

So why have people been made the way they are? Why have I been made this way?

Circumstances, family, life, friendships, the stories/movies/music that they listen to and have become obessed with, passions, the past, the present, the future, the people in it, the society, The World.

I have been watching a lot of movies, scrolling through my phone, reading a lot of books,  spending time with family and friends, talking to people, listening to music, observing the world and it’s stories.

Each of the above task has a quest and a story in itself. I am trying to learn and understand more about the people in this world and why. I love talking to people, not the regular talks, the talks that intrigue the world and me, theories and more. I like listenting to stories of people and what they have to say.

I am eager to live life and move through the stories and stages that life has in store for me.

Lesson learnt: The possibilites are endless or so. You are going to go through a lot, learn a lot and feel a lot more. There are still many more lessons to be learnt.

 

 

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I think and feel way too much.

( This blog has been written long before, This could be a little throwback. A piece based on the workings of the mind in me.)

I think I am an over-thinker. It certainly does not have its perks.

I tend to over think about every situation I have or will be in, every comment I have made, ever mistake that I have done, why people don’t reply to me on time, why the tone changes in both text and communication, when the person begins a talk with I want to talk to you about something, before understanding or knowing what the person is about to tell me, I freak out and immediately create hypothetical situations in mind.

The above instance is not even the ones, to begin with. There is so much more. I feel very stressed out and tensed for the tiniest things of life.

I think about the future way too often in the night because nights have always known to be the embodiment for dreadful and serious thinking and thoughts.

I love my mom, dad and my grandparents way too much, I don’t think I can function without them. They are a huge part of my world, they are my world and if anything happens to them, it breaks my whole system. My whole universe would shatter into an infinite number of pieces and since I am the only child, that thought of being alone scares me a lot because I will have no one to call as my own.

Who will I run to if I want to talk to about the tiniest happiest moments of life?

Who will I run too if I want to burst out and cry?

Who will advise me when I am insecure and broken?

My mother is the one that I possibly cannot live without. Every day I live in constant fear of her leaving me. It is something that I can’t imagine and when I do, the future does not look right. I see a world dark and broken.

Like these many thoughts rush through my mind.

I think of past instances on how I have been mean to people and how I could go back and change it all. I think about the mistakes I have done and the big truths I have hidden from my family and friends (ps: to my best friends, I haven’t done much wrong to them, but I think I am wrong, but to other friends, I have and god I wish I could go back and reverse many moments.)

I wish I could change it all and live without that guilt in me. That’s the thing about guilt. You have no idea on when it’s going to come and creep up on you. It never leaves your side.

I have gone through that lane way too many times and still am. To one of my friend, I had promised to stay with her during the vacations but I failed to do my promise at the very last moment because I needed to go back and see my family because I was missing them way too much and I nearly cried every day because of not being with them. I left her alone. I know what I did was wrong and god, I wish I could have made a decision about it earlier and so suddenly.

But, you know those moments right? Am I a bad person? I honestly don’t know anymore. I do regret leaving her but at the same time, I just had to come back to just be myself and be with them. It was getting too much and I knew I would just break soon. I had to do something before I got damaged real bad, but that still doesn’t function as a good reason for leaving her. God….

The nights I have had thinking about this every single time has made me sleepless and just blame myself too much.

Like that, many such instances have come up, not betraying ones. The embarrassing ones I could have avoided and me still furiously thinking about it.

Then there are those ones where my entire life comes to a question. I have a theory about life. Its absurd and I know it. I have told people this and they just look at me in a very weird way.

So here goes my theory, I think that I am in a deep sleep/choma or probably dead and this life that I am living is probably a creation of my mind, I might have created these characters and accurate details of life or I know these characters from before. I don’t know.

Sometimes this theory makes a lot of sense.

So when I actually go to sleep, what about the dreams I have? They must be well created and thought too or it’s just me taking a well-deserved break. Dreams within dreams within dreams. I honestly question everything.

I don’t act on it a lot but my mind sure does.

( This theory has not been inspired by inception before, I saw Inception recently, like a few days back, this theory had been stuck with me through thick and thin since 11th grade. Maybe i might have seen Inception in an alternate universe or maybe in one of my dreams. God I am not so sure but am sure. )

Majority of the times, trying to doze off and sleep proves to be a difficult task because of the numerous countless thoughts that I have.

One thought leads to another and it is an endless vicious loop. How I get myself to sleep is by creating stories and fantasies in my mind. It proves to be a hell lot of effective because I have no idea on when idea and how I came to sleep. I love sleeping tho, I could spend hours and hours sleeping. It’s a beautiful activity.

You know when going to sleeping is an easy task? It is an easy task when you are too tired and exhausted and you hit the bed and you just fall asleep. Those are the best kinds of well-deserved sleep to ever exist.

I think about my past moments a lot, especially the ones that made me sad and happy. I tend to think about just living in those happy moments forever and not leaving that world ever. I wish I could do that but life and reality sure do have its way of sailing in rough seas. Sometimes, I feel I am way too stuck in the past and sometimes, overthinking about the future.

There are those very few moments that I have lived in the moment but at some of those moments, I overthink about how it is going to end soon and always wished it would last for long. I am truly happy in the moments that I get but I can’t help but wonder on how it could have lasted longer.

Right now as I am writing this, I am in the second month of my four-month vacation from uni and can’t help but pray every time for the vacation to go as slow as possible because I don’t want it to end and I am not ready for it to end.

I try to spend as much time as possible with my mom but sometimes you know, Netflix and then time just flashes by and I feel I have not spent enough time with her and my friends.

The thing is when I am at home with them, I know they are with me and I don’t need that constant need to stick with her throughout and talk because she is there in this very air as me, it’s when I am closer to leaving, it hits me on why I didn’t spend that much time but then now, it’s different. It’s all too different.

Overthinking every aspect of life gets dreadful.

Back in uni, my parents always make sure I have enough money for food and for expenditures and in certain cases, I have spent a lot of money unnecessarily without thinking on the hard work my dad does to earn and send me that money, which makes certain people think I am way too rich but I am not that rich. Yes, we have money but what people don’t understand is that my dad works way too hard for that and right now, he is having some crisis, and god how I wish I could help him.

Despite all that, they make sure to never complete all my wishes and they have always given me the good life despite the hard lives they live through every second of their day especially my mother.

Every night, I think about the remarks that I am too rich and I wish I could tell people that it’s not how they think it is. They have put their entire life savings into my education and have gone in debts and yes I spend quite a bit, and I see why people make that statement but it just gets to me when that remark is every single time.

My mom and dad have given me the best life and that’s why they send me the money, they don’t want to see me upset. It’s not that they have too much money to give, it’s that they will do anything for me and sometimes I have taken way too much advantage of that.

I have lived life adjusting and I know I can adjust to some things but also not some of it. Very few people know some things about me and I wish I could be more open.

I always think about my future and my goals, I don’t tell it to many people, only to people I am close to, and it’s my dream/mission/goal to show my mom the world and make her live with me because she has done so much for me and I want my mom to be the happiest person ever.

Back in uni, I always wonder on what has happened to the real me that makes me me and on how I still find it hard to express and open myself up despite the good friends I have.

I still can’t give that realness to them. I am not being fake. I have just become way too shut off and I wasn’t like that. I just don’t talk much because sometimes I feel people would just overpower me and like I don’t know. So when I am back home, I just am happy because I get to be me again.

I am not entirely saying that I am not me, there are just a certain few aspects that I think won’t change.

These are the thoughts that come to my mind every single time.

( UPDATE:  There are some things that have changed now, but I am not sure yet which of them. So I am taking my time to learn.

Publishing this post suddenly made me get my closure about certain things with myself. I feel a bit better, relieved and happy. )

The thing about yesterday

27th July 2018 Friday 2:00 PM 

It happened yesterday

It dawned upon me when I was sleeping

Nights always was and became the times for contemplation and hard truths

Soon, this month was going to end and the next month would dawn upon us in  a few days

Time to go back to university and to return to that life was hitting close now.

My mother was sleeping next to me and the thought of returning back shuddered me and I hugged her as tight as possible not wanting to let go.

I tried to close my eyes, empty my mind and sleep

I tried to think about things that made me laugh and of things that made me happy.

I tried to think of things that made me squeal with excitement and even the dark psychotic thoughts that made me want to kill the world

I tried to change the course of my mind’s direction through different ways but to no avail, it all eventually came down to the path of sadness and despair of leaving home and returning back to the “uni life”

I tried to hold it all in, the thought of leaving my mom, dad, my friends and my home.

I tried to contain it in. I really did try

I was a bomb that had to explode after all in order to contain myself

Then the tears started to flow down from my face bit by bit

Moments before it turned into an emotional breakdown, I once again hugged my mom tight, it was as if my brain was trying to remember and register even the tiniest of details about her before I leave.

I once again tried to stop the outburst but it was too late.

Mothers, they know everything

She sensed it all and asked whether I was crying

In my broken tiny voice, I simply answered no and then I proceeded to cry out loud and remained in her arms

She always knew what to say

She hugged me tightly, wiped my tears, told me what I needed to hear

I stayed in her arms crying for a long time

Crying and crying, I drifted off to sleep

I knew my cries and worries affected her, she always told me how bothered and upset she was when I cried

I always wondered what I would do without her, how I would live without her, all these thoughts deeply disturb me every day, I try not to think about it often but at every step in the walk of my life, that thought always lurks around me like a monster and a shadow never vowing to leave me ever.

All I could do is pray and pray.

She would do anything to see a smile on my face and for my future

She kept all her pains and troubles with her, very rarely does she show me her tears

She is a strong woman and I admire her so much

She is my strength and weakness

She does have her flaws, but after all, she is just human

No words could ever amount to the feelings I have for my mother

No words could ever capture the great deeds and things she has done for me and this family

I eagerly wait for that someday, a day where I can take my mother to a world only filled with happiness and joy.

She does justice to the word “mother”

We both are companions to each other

We both only have each other in this big world.

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Special mention: To all the mothers out there, without you, the world would be incomplete. 

Thank you for everything. 

Thank you Amma for being there. I love you