For you

I don’t know how we end up meeting each other or even if we are destined to meet, but I would like you to know, I do have some hopes for us to conquer.

Hi, I am a girl who is miles away from you. I do not know if we have passed as strangers once or if we know each other and we are not in talk with each other or we might be just strangers.

I am a Gemini and the most stereotypical yet true aspect of me is that I exhibit dual personalities. This does not mean I shift from one persona to an other. It just means I think about both aspects of the coin. For many of the aspects, I just can’t decide on one. I have different sides to different people of my life. I thought you should know that.

I believe in destiny and fate and soul mates but at the same time, I don’t. At times, I think it’s all bullshit invented to make you believe and to keep going and at other times, I think it’s simply wonderful. Loosing yourself in something so wonderful and messy.

I have a lot going on in my mind and that may upset you because I can’t get it all out to you. I like having some of it in my mind, it is my haven. If I really like you, I will open it to you. I don’t know how but I know I am capable of that.

I watch a lot of movies and shows. So, from that I have a defined perspective on what I would like to have from a relationship. I have never been in one and I am not sure as to how it works. I have seen friends be in them and I feel for every relationship, it is unique. You have your own way of working but there is some common ground shared by all relationships.

To be honest, I am scared of being in a relationship. There are going to be so many changes and I don’t know if I will ever be ready for that but on the other side, I am looking forward to it. I don’t know what is expected of me in this. I am going in blind sided and I hope we both can help each other.

I have expectations of some cliches coming true. The cliches of where you talk all night, under the stars or in the comfort of your bed under the warm blankets. The cliches of having simple, fun and memorable adventures. I watch these couples on TV and in movies and it makes me wonder will I ever have that? Will we ever have that?

We might make our own version of it and I am excited to be in that. I would love to have long conversations where you and I ask the deepest questions that make us think and wonder. I would love to keep asking you questions and getting to know how your mind works. I would like you to do the same for me, if you are interested in that.

I do not want us to change aspects of ourself that keep us real, I want us to stay original but also change for the better. Change when it is necessary, change when the environment and the world wants us to and when we feel like it. I want us to undertsand why we have changed.

I do not want us to spend our entire time in a relationship. I do not want our relationship to be the reason I have or need to exist. I do not want our relationship to define our identities, I want us to spend our time out of our relationship as well, with friends and families. Devoting our entire time to each other might make us a little crazy.

I want to watch movies with you every week for the rest of however long we might be together. A movie of your choice and also of mine. I look forward to sharing our agreements and disagreements.

I want us to talk about everything but I also want to enjoy silences with you.

I look forward to seeing you passionate about things that you love. I look forward to being a part of your suggestions and acting on them.

I carry a past that hurts me and a present that hurts me as well. Someday, when I tell you about it, I do not want you to judge and blame them for their mistakes and the hurt they have caused to me. I want you to listen and just be there. I want you to respond in the way you feel like. I look forward to times where you and I comfort each other after bad days and fights.

These are some few things I thought you should know about me.

I get hurt pretty easy. Some times I show it, some times I don’t. I like to have some time alone with myself. When I am angry, I want to be left alone because that helps me calm down and understand the situation. When I am upset, I don’t know what to do. So I am hoping you might.

I love to read and I love books. So, if you want to buy me anything, you can buy me books of my suggestion or yours. If you feel this is a book I like, go ahead and if you want me to read a book, I will.

Bookstores and libraries make me very emotional and it is often hard for me to come out of them. I like to be in the woods and near the oceans and beaches! They are a safe space and I feel very at home there.

I love food! I am excited to try out so much food!! I want to travel the whole world. I want to have so many adventures with you and also by myself.

I am also obsessed with skylines and city lights in the night! I have a weird obsession towards them! It’s a beautiful fantasy to live in!

I love to write. Writing is a way I confront myself. Writing is a way I console myself. Writing for me means so much.

I have a lot of emotions and I embrace them fully. Some day, I hope you might too and I am ready to embrace whatever you have as well.

There are so many more things I want you to know but I think you will figure it out.

I will always be loyal and be there for you. I will love you and I will tell you when you are wrong, when I am right and when I am wrong. I will try to accept the times when I am wrong and I will try not to keep fights or petty mistakes against you as a weapon.

I also want to say I am truly sorry for every mistake and fight I have caused between us. I am a temperamental person. I tend to loose my temper pretty easy and I say hurtful stuff, but I want you know I never mean those. I never think before I say those stuff and when I think about it later, I wish I had never said it. But what use is it when the moment has already passed? So I apologise and I will also apologise in the future as well when it is my fault.

I do not only want to dwell in fantasies, passions and cliches of mine. I want to dwell in yours too.

I don’t think I believe there is just one love for you. I believe there will be many loves for one person if they keep looking for it. The thing with each love is that it will be unique and differ from one love to an other. So that can be unique and be just the one, but I believe that you may be the only love in my life and I will be happy for eternity.

I hope everything goes fine for us. I hope you and I have led the relationship and life we both want and deserve.

I write this for you in hopes that someday you will read it and understand. There are some things I might not say to you in person but in this piece, I mean it for you.

Most importantly, I just want us to be happy and figure it out by ourselves, not have a cheat code manual on how to be happy and prosper. I want to be on this journey exploring so much with you and also by myself.

Unfinished Beauty

You know what people don’t talk enough about. Unfinished beauty. There is a beauty when certain works are unfinished. You can’t help but wonder how would you finish the rest?

You are left with the power to create the end. It is your mind that has the power to complete the rest. You are allowed to perceive what you want. You create what ever you desire. The power to complete one’s work lies in your hands now. If you do not desire to see it finished, you can also let it be. That is the beauty. It carries infinite possibilites.

However it also leaves you in questions. How would the creator himself complete it? Is there something missing? What if I had finished watching this whole beauty rather than leaving it incomplete? How would the others make of it? What if?

Having questions in one’s mind is good because it makes you want to search for the answers to them but when you don’t find what you seek, it drives you mad.

The thing with unfinished beauty is that it differs in perspective from one to an other. What may seem like unfinished beauty to you may not be for an other. Another thing with unfinished beauty is that very few things carry the grace to make it an unfinished beauty. You can’t force things to be that way. It is in the feeling, the work and the thought proccess.

I find unfinished beauty in certain movies, art, places and photographs. I do not find them in music because in music, I love to hear it complete. Music is one thing in my life I know that will always be complete and would not leave me hanging.

I had a chance to witness a finished beauty become unfinished. It was on the May 23rd, few minutes before hitting the stroke of the 24th midnight, my birthday. It was between those moments, between the past and of the future that was about to hit me when I became an audience to a finished work becoming unfinished.

I was watching the movie Speechless, a 1994 romantic comedy. Watching that movie was like watching every dream that I ever want come true. Every dream that I hope for a great romance. That movie just showed it all and I had never been more speechless by a movie. ( Pun Intended)

The movie had only started at 11 and an hour into the movie, I fell in love with it. I wanted to see how their story ended but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I had to go back to a life where I was turning 20. I had to go celebrate it with my family which I was great for but it made me miss this movie.

Some of you might say I can watch it again and find out how it becomes complete but I have scoured the whole Internet to find that movie and complete it, but sadly I could not find that movie no where. I also gave up on the search because I believe that I will find it when it wants to be found.

However I also believe that when the day comes I find someone I love, I will find that movie and watch the end with them. I guess in my own way, I have achieved a film worthy moment in my life. Completing an unfinished beauty with the man I love.

This is how I witnessed an unfinished beauty. I missed a chance to watch a love story that I dream of not have the ending. I left it incomplete. If I were to go back in time, I would sit and finish that movie but that would mean I would also miss out on the chance to not celebrate my adulthood at midnight with my family.

I guess, even if given the chance, I would probably still miss it because I don’t think I would want to miss a moment of my life to live in the fantasy of someone else other than mine.

Ideal Reality

The ideal reality, how nice would that be?

The life that you always had created in your head coming to works is quite the desire anyone would love to have.

What would my ideal reality be like?

If I had to describe it, I think using TV shows would be the perfect and apt way because I had grown up watching loads of TV shows especially that of Disney and also those of the Classic American Romantic Comedy and also the family type movies like Freaky Friday and so much more.

But also, I would want some mystery and adventure out of it. More like a double life or so, whatever you would like to call.

I would like to throw in some psycho murder thrillers like Bates Motel, Dexter, Hannibal. I know, but we all have our fantasies.

Or living every life I have dreamed of living.

( PS: I had stopped writing this, because of two reasons mainly, I became lazy and I didn’t know what to write, and well other topics came to my mind, well that’s three. )

 

Why I got inspired to continue with this?
Right now, I am watching total recall, and the concept of this movie is similar to what I am writing and had me thinking about the movie and what I wanted to write in different ways. So I wanted to explore the movie as well as my ideal reality and the theories I have in my mind.

 

Where to even begin with?

Why create such movies which make us ponder and question us on everything?

What if we could create a device that helps our brain and mind to come together to create the stories and world that we want and help us transport to it to make us live it? A machine to create and manufacture every fantasy you had.

Living every life one has ever dreamed of living. That would be the dream.

But how long can one continue to live in the facade of knowing everything is curated by us and none of it is real. Can we deal with this fact? Will it cause a breakdown? Will we lose ourselves and not understand what is real and not real anymore?

 

It’s like Inception. Maybe exactly like Inception.

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Would I want to live a life based on the movie Inception? I find myself leaning more towards a Yes. Why not?

I would love to experience and live the different versions of stories I have orchestrated in my mind at every point of my life and ongoing life. I feel that I might become too obsessed or addicted to that idea and the world which would eventually lead to a distance within myself and the people around me. I think that once I go into it, it might be hard to bring myself back to this reality, the one that I am living in.

Why would I want to go back to a reality when I can have everything that I want in that world of mine? If it’s about unpredictability and thrills, I can create them and choose to forget them giving me the opportunity to indulge them in wholeheartedly and without any clue as to what will happen. Just like how life is.

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Then what would happen to the physical entity present? Would be in a sleep forever because our minds are in another dimension? What happens to our physical entity? If we die here, would we die in there as well or continue to exist as an entity in there forever with our minds living the stories on forever?

Would I also have the ability to change choices if I do something wrong even in the dream world? Anything goes wrong, I can just pause, hit rewind and undo it.

Or perhaps have a machine that records your dreams and then you can have the option to play it back, continue and move on with the flow. Different disks containing different dreams, select your choice and put it in the machine and then play.

 

I always have a thought that this life I am living right now is the creation of my mind. My body must be in a coma but my mind and I are living this life right now. I must have lived this life back when my body wasn’t lifeless, so that’s how I know all these people that I know now, but the rest of the world might be my own creation or something else. Or everything in this life that I have created is a creation of my own.

A figment of imagination come to life. 

Would I want to lose touch with reality and live in a dream forever? It depends but I find myself leaning towards a Yes. I can have everything the way I want it to be and if the lack of thrill and adventures is what I miss, I can add that without my knowledge. I can make it work.

I feel and know for a fact that if I might get too much into my dream, it would start to become an obsession, an obsession that I would be drugged into. An obsession that I would have no longer control of. I wouldn’t lose anyone. I can have the life that I have dreamed of, correct what went wrong, do things right. Give it a start.

I agree with the quote down below. If I can build a dream from my memory, adjust it to my liking, I would soon start to live it and lose touch with what’s real. Maybe, that’s what I want. To lose myself into the dream and to escape from here, this reality of mine.

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What if we all were living in one right now?

We are in the future with our minds tapped and hooked onto a force that makes us see what they want or we want? 

A figment of their imaginations and creations come to life. 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj