How long?

I go to sleep with tears rolling down my face making its way to seep into the pillows

I have drenched myself into a beautiful melancholy of sad music. As each tone begins to play, I start to associate different moments of sadness to it.

I want to go back home  A home filled with memories and moments I lived happily in  I want to run through fields of time and spend each moment getting lost in those fields. 

My heart throbs and pounds  It races and runs out of breath  My mind races to help but it too gets stuck in its own quick sands I do not struggle with getting out, so I just accept my choice to sink. 

The thing with getting out using force is that you never free of yourself from what you feel You are abrupt with the escape  You are not closured You leave it and move on…

When it comes back later, it comes with a powerful wave and knocks you down again but  this time, it promises to be stay there for longer and will make you feel everything you once forgot to allow yourself to feel.

I am so confused  I want to cry endlessly  Every moment that once scared me is coming back to haunt me Every moment where I spent nights crying inside my mind is coming back to suck the tears out of me.

The grudges that I carry inside me, I do not anymore I am not proud of those grudges  I want to feel liberated but how can I when people think so wrong of me? I want you to be happy, person. When I speak of you, visible moments of hate present themselves but my grudge does not continue to lament.

All I know is that I have a feeling growing inside me, a feeling to be loved I want to engage in acts of love without having to think about next day’s and regrets I want someone to be beside and hug me, placing sweet and sensual kisses on the side of my neck while telling me everything is okay.  I want to drift into the unknown with him.  Why would anyone ever love me and for what? For just one long second, I want to act without having to think about consequences.

I want to cry  I want to cry and pour my heart out I am doing everything I can to make this happen but nothing seems to work. Instead, I have this anxiousness building up and I have no cracks for my tears to come through 

How long will I have to cover up the deep gnashes cutting me so that others won’t judge us all?  Why hide the truth when everyone knows it but it can’t be brought to light because the world would look down on us?  How longer would I have to care? Why care about the world at all when it is our lives being lived? Give me an answer and I will remain silent  I do not want to be a pawn to be sacrificed for the greater good.

It is not easy growing up because more feelings come into play and sometimes there is no way to comfort them  My imagination cannot always fix it for me  That very imagination wrecks my soul.

Feelings create poetry  Sadness creates beauty 

How long can I convince myself to deny the  thing that fixes a part of my life because of the consequences that come with it?  I seem to be loosing at everything I care about. 

As I get ready to sleep onto my pillow The stars in my sky fall down leaving a canvas of black  My sadness says goodbye letting me rest for tonight promising to invite itself back again for an other time

Until then. 

Do you wonder?

I often wonder what other people are doing at this very moment that I am in. What are they upto in their lives?

I especially wonder this in case of celebrities because it’s so fascinating for me to wonder what they do in thier spare time because I adore many celebrities and often wonder what they are upto. Do they lead the mundane lives just like the rest of the humans that walk on the face of the earth?

I often wonder what my friends do when I am not with them, we are miles and miles away and I often wonder what they would be doing right now and if were together, I would be then wondering about all the fun times we could have

I wonder what my parents do when I am not at home, I wonder if they talk about me and my shenanigans. I miss them and my home

I wonder what my home is doing without me. Is it changing per second or by per word?

I often wonder what other people in other parts of the world do at this very moment I am in. How are they living life?

I wonder about the people I once knew and who I were very close with. Do they think about the times we all have spent together at one point? Do they miss those times? I do wish we all got to meet at one point in our lives with all the disputes and conflicts settled.

I wonder about the movies and the shows that are put out there. How did it all come together and why? What would have happened if I would have never seen it? Would that change the way I think or would that change a part of me?

Do you ever wonder how your life would have turned out if you hadn’t met the people in your life who have become an imperative part of your life system? I wonder on if I would have never met my friends, what would be of me? Would I go on to discover and make friends with strangers who will then become my friends?

I wonder on how one would feel when they are trapped in the most miserable sadistic feeling ever known to them? How would it be living that feeling on a constant rotation without any relif of ever freeing yourself from it? Have you imagined what it feels like because I do. When I am trapped in that feeling, I imagine what it must feel like to be trapped in it forever and it feels overwhelming and soul crushing

I wonder on how it would be to lead a different life in a different body, somewhere else with different parents

I wonder on how it would be living the life of a person I know or I wish to know. What are the life changes that would dazzle me? How does it feel to be in their shoes?

I wonder on the type of talents I wish I could possess and how I could use it. I wonder on if not for writing, how else would I confront my feelings or express what I feel. I wonder on what my talent would be.

I wonder on how my life would have been if not for the realities I were put into and faced

I wonder on how the future would turn out for me. Have I made the right choices? Will my plan be set in motion? Will I achieve the vision I have envisioned?

I do wonder on the choices I have made and the choices I could have made

I wonder on what would be of me if I were born to different parents. Would I posesses the same mind set, probably not. I do wonder what that would be like. A new identity emerging from a new environment.

I wonder about the stories I have created in my mind and dream on how it would be to live them in reality and not in my head. I imagine them how I could do it in the real life

I wonder on the inventions the world could make based on my ideas. I think about a machine that would capture each and every thought of mine even when I am asleep. A machine that records my dreams and I can view it to my pleasure or continue it.

I wonder what would become of me after death. Is there a life after death? A new beginning for a new soul or an unfinished journey for an old soul. How would I be remembered? How would my loved ones react? Can I still see them from where I am or would my body be turned into particles to join the universe?

There are many things that I wonder and they all get lost somewhere

I wonder on my existence and the use of humans in this world

I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t been born

I dream, ponder and wonder a lot

This feeling

This thought down below is something I have jotted down in the past. This work down below describes how I feel when I get anxious.

 

I woke up with a feeling today

A feeling that hasn’t breached me since a long time

A feeling that never pricked me in this sort of manner

A feeling that I usually get at every point of my day and life but never got it when my eyes woke up to the sunlight

This feeling pounces upon me in the midst of nowhere

I do not know what causes it

There was a sense of dread and wreck havocing my heart and body

I felt anxious and overwhelmed at every step and turn I took

An uneasy darkness took over my heart and mind and I stood there from a distance watching and being helpless

I tried everything that I could, I tried shifting my mind to one thought from an other, I tried to think of things and moments that made me happy

I would have any other feeling rather than this

This feeling was the worst of all

It was dreadful, an eeary sense of bad aura wraps me in an instant

My heart aches and pounds, I am not sure why

I feel it race and each minute gets harder by the second

My breath gets shaky, it doesn’t get easier by the minute, it gets ragged

Nothing much goes on in my mind except for the thought on how do I get rid of this feeling

Every bad thought, lies and moments come to my mind and it keeps filling in

It feels as I am in a tank and with water flooding in making it hard to breathe

I am trying to think of why and what went wrong and is there anything I can do to fix it

I could think of many reasons as to why I feel like this but nothing doesn’t seem to fit the piece in the puzzle

When I am all calm, I try to take a few steps back and look upon the puzzle again, I never realize what made me go into such an anxious mood

Sometimes I do figure it out, and I learn from it but the other times, I don’t know what causes it. So what do I do?

I am exhausted and tired, I do not know what to do and what to think

I am weary of this feeling and I wish and desire to be not burdened by this

I do not want you to get embedded in me

How do I free myself of you?