What’s been happening

Dear Me,

Right now, the world is not so great, and you are losing inspiration and motivation to do things that you love, and you need to do.

Through this, I am attempting to try and get some of my creativity flow through my hands and perhaps watching my words unravel might bring me some joy and make me remember why I started to do this in the first place. 

Let me tell you what’s been going on. 

Right now, there is this “small virus” going around in the world, I have heard its potentially life threatening and apparently the people are supposed to stay at homes and maintain social distance amongst other people. 

It’s officially a pandemic and I am not saying this for the boom effect. It’s actually been declared as a pandemic by WHO. 

If any of you were living under a rock and not aware of this news, I would advise you to still be living under a rock because right now, that is the safe thing to do. 

The most “bizarre” thing I have heard is that they have to maintain hygiene by washing their hands with soap. Have you ever heard of such a ridiculous thing? I am surprised people have started to take this seriously considering such sort of hygiene was not maintained back then, so why now?
Just for this “small virus”. RIDICULOUS. 

Due to this “so called virus”, there are some people rebelling and “I appreciate them”. They are doing what they want by going out and not caring about if other people get it and die. How daring of them to care for themselves! How nice of them to not stay at homes and just wander outside!

I truly understand them because why should one stay at home and inconvenience themselves for caring about other people when they can just go out into the world and have a “wonderful day”! 

I applaud you! 

Sadly, I can’t display such an extravagant feat because my parents have “told” me to stay at home and dare I say, they are concerned about them and myself getting this “virus”. Honestly, I don’t see what the “big deal” is. 

Let me get real with you. Staying at home with my parents under one roof is not easy. Sometimes, I wish I was back in the UK but then the other times, I am glad I am back at home with them.

I just wish I could go out and enjoy but sadly, “I must care for myself and the people around me by not stepping out and remaining in ‘jail’, because that’s the safe thing to do”

How rude! 

Apparently, some of the countries in the world are also on lockdown. This “virus” must be one hell of a “killer”. This has caused people to buy huge amounts of toilet paper amongst many other products.

 I “totally get it”. 

I mean I “understand” why they buy such huge amounts. “Sadly, people who stockpile” are getting a bad rep!

 “I don’t get it.” 

One should always prepare themselves for a big bathroom emergency or for dressing up as a mummy for the next Halloween. (If only we get to go trick or treating, considering there is this inconvenient virus going around.)

The world’s current scenario somewhat resembles the movies with plot lines of deadly viruses eradicating the people. 

I always thought maybe, I could survive but now I am not so sure because it’s not a zombie apocalypse and I don’t think I might even possess the skills to survive a zombie apocalypse. 

If you count watching countless movies and shows and gathering information from it as a weapon, perhaps I have a chance. 

Passing the days at home has now become a task. 

Each day, I am slowly running out of goals or interests to do or I just don’t have the interest to do anything because being confined in the four walls of my room apparently is not inspiring or motivating. Who knew?!

I don’t know if I have a sanity to lose because it seems that I have lost it quite a while back. 

These last few months were quite the worst for my mental state, and I didn’t spend enough time with my friends and I deeply regret that now. 

I wish I could go back in time and change it all. 

When this virus wasn’t around, all I wanted was for was confinement, a good internet connection, my laptop and food. 

With this virus around, I still want those above-mentioned things but also be granted the freedom to step outside into the world and have adventures by myself and with people without the crippling fear of contracting a virus. 

Time is what it will take for this nightmare to end and when it does, I hope not to transgress back into my ways of not understanding the worth of the world and my freedom. 

When a new dream soon starts, I want to make it all count. 

It’s funny that all it took was a “pandemic” to truly realize how much I miss being out in the world. 

It’s funny that all it took was a “pandemic” to truly realize how much I miss being with my friends and family.

It’s funny that all it took was a “pandemic” to truly realize how much I took things for granted.

What’s next?

Your regards 

Me

I think I need help

So as a matter of fact I know this isn’t me 

I honestly don’t remember how to function like I used to 

I keep my brain occupied with everything other than focusing on what’s wrong with me 

I can’t figure out what’s wrong 

I don’t feel the happiest nor the saddest

I don’t feel like talking, if I have to engage in conversations, I shall but I don’t know how or what to talk.

I feel missing but I don’t know what I am missing in myself 

I seem to have forgotten how to function with friends 

I seem to have forgotten how to function for myself 

It’s been like this since a long time 

I have given up on myself but I am continuing 

I am living every day but I don’t remember how I am getting by 

I just get by nowadays 

I don’t know if I am making any efforts because I can’t seem to remember 

It’s as if my body resets my mind as I wake up each morning 

My body resets my mind to nothing and I just fill it with the contents of today 

Then I go to sleep and it starts again 

I have lost myself and I don’t know what to do 

I need help to find my way back 

But how can I call for help when my hands don’t let me do so

Talking to family and friends doesn’t change this thing about me

There is a sadness that sinks in most of the time, at least the sadness made me aware. Now since the sadness has washed over me, a neutrality now sinks in.

Nothing feels the same anymore and I don’t know what feelings to attribute to most of my life now.

I feel as if an alien host has captured my body and seemingly forgot I existed. So, it took over my body and its trying to figure out what to do or how to go by everyday. It is perhaps trying to forget the original possessor of this body. I just feel like a body now.

My goals are a part of me but somewhere in between, I and them seem torn apart for now. I hope I get better.

I say everything is fine everyday and then continue 

I guess now that I have written down how I feel, I can read and realise the extent to which its serious and then call for help 

There are moments in time where both my brain and heart shut down from defeat or exhaustion 

That’s when one should know whatever pain or ordeal the body has to go through, it shall go through with it in peace because there is no mind or heart to break and no mind and heart to feel the bodily pain

The pain of the body becomes mundane and of routine

Every time, as I inch towards my phone to call for help, my brain convinces me it is going to pass away and it does, just to the next day.

It keeps repeating and I believe it.

Update: After a few seconds from posting this.

I think I might have made a mistake letting all this out because now I don’t feel relieved that I have shared this out. I guess I would I have preferred this to be kept in secrecy.

I lost my sleep

It is late night or more so the cusp of a new dawn 

I hear the sounds of the night and watch the streets remain empty 

I listen to the winds roll across the city 

I can see the strong waves of water and wind gush over the city 

Droplets of rain stay on the glasses of the windows tonight and I will bid them adieu soon

The blinds in my room rumble from the winds of the outside world 

The windows are shut yet their force can be felt in this small world of mine. 

I am left with a lot to think. 

In this night, what are we?

I listen to music that was meant for this night. 

I listen to the beats that make me question my destiny 

I listen to rhythms that challenge my beliefs 

I have the gift of watching the world from a magnitude and I use it best according to my capabilities 

I sometimes watch the people walk on the streets and try to wonder what their story in that precise moment is 

I look out to the windows of the other buildings that surround me and try to find a sign of humanity 

Whatever I have written now has stemmed from watching a movie “I lost my body” 

An emotionally gripping movie that takes us through a journey of destiny and pain

Taking risks, living through pain, deviating from the prewritten path of destiny. 

Watching movies helps me understand myself and the world

I watch movies to learn pieces of information that I think I may not learn from anywhere else

I watch them to understand and discover new realms of imagination and theories that I may never find in conversations with myself or the people around me 

I watch them to escape from time momentarily 

I pay attention to them so that I feel 

I watch them to understand because I believe that they make me special 

I love to possess a knowledge that pertains only to me and when sharing it, it makes me feel unique. 

As I listen to the soundtrack of ‘I lost my body’ I am struggling to find the ending to my thoughts now 

My mind can only think of the brilliancy of the movie but also of the night that I am passing through right now

As I listen to this music, I am lost in the moments and in the world of my own thoughts and that of the movie’s. 

Every step outside the hallway frightens me as I have no desire to meet anyone and would rather be writing this. 

Every step inching towards my door nerves me because I do not want to talk to anyone as I wish to be left alone during this time. 

Perhaps, I shouldn’t be trying hard to figure out how to end this. 

I do not feel the need to stress out the manner of words I want to put on this

Sometimes, the ending is better left just as it is, without over thinking.

I feel obliged to tell you more but whatever I will be writing would just be a rephrasal of my initial thought. 

So, allow me to slip into my world and my routine and let me wish you all a good night. 

I am right here, just away from your eyes. 

Today was a beautiful day.

The world spoke to me and the day invited me to seek and soak out the sun and everything it touched

“Get out!” it screamed and that’s what I did!

I have been living in Nottingham for quite some while and it was the first time I had heard of Night Lights- a celebration of lights and art! 

There were many events being held in different parts of the town! 

It was only very few times that one would come across this celebration! 

So, I took the chance and it gave me a reason to go out and explore! 

A reason to discover and to connect! 

An event that caught my attention was one organized by the Green’s Windmill and Science Centre! It offered visitors to view the night lights of the city from a height. My lust for the lights convinced me to go and feast

I did go to the windmill once with my father and we had to climb four flights of steep stairs to reach the top. 

Each step to the view that awaited was a step closer to my heart clenching. 

The reason for my heart to cry out in danger were because of the large gaps between each step.

My brain convinced me that I would slip through those gaps and break the bones or my body or my head

So, my father held my hand and helped me face my fear to climb them. 

I trusted my fears to leave me as soon I held my father’s hand who led the way. 

My fear subsided but never left.

Cutting back to the present, I forgot about those steps and went to see the light.

As soon as I entered the mill, my eyes fell upon those cruel spaces between those stairs. 

My fears came back and I almost decided to abandon my quest to see my love, but I took a brave step and started the ascent 

It was terrifying but my feet led the way and my heart dropped further and further. 

Upon reaching each level, I looked out those small windows and let my eyes gaze upon the skies and then stared with awe at the lights twinkling in the dusk

I couldn’t get enough from each floor and the desire to see more kept me going further and further upon the stairs 

It was terrifying with each step and when I looked down at my feet climbing them, my heart and my body shivered but the desire was stronger than ever. 

As, I finally reached the top, relief and accomplishment showered upon me

I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF! 

I for the first time successfully without anyone’s lending hand faced the daunting fear of these god forsaken stairs

However, my challenge did not end there.

I had to come back to the ground and climbing down somehow was much worse 

To see all the huge gaps at one go as you walk down was my doom 

I carefully took all the time the world offered and let my feet step down onto each step slowly as a tortoise. 

The rest was history but I reached the ground. 

I had completed the ascent! 

No matter how small the adventure or challenge is, once completed, nothing can ever amount to the greatness you feel!

One day, one adventure

Many more to go

To capture this state of euphoria, I wrote down my thoughts and I couldn’t be more serendipitous. 

Out of this day came a work of art that I am proud of.

Sometimes, I do it for the words and sometimes, I do it for the adventures. 

Today, I did it for both. 

I am selfish

I am selfish

I am selfish when I wish for plans to be cancelled so I can have a day to myself.

I am selfish in wanting to do things alone, things that my friends like to do with me, but I am selfish and want to do it by myself.

I am selfish for craving momentary happiness and for wishing momentary sadness for people who bring me down.

I am selfish in wanting to keep everyone to myself but I am also selfish when I want to keep myself away when they need me.

I am selfish when I don’t to share my world with the others.

I am selfish for wanting so much when I don’t deserve half of it.

I am selfish for not speaking up about what matters the most to me because it hurts others when I don’t.

I am selfish for speaking my true mind that hurt others and myself.

I am selfish for going after I want and not thinking about the countless lives I am leaving behind

I am selfish for wanting to chase something that can bring destruction to my family.

I am selfish when I escape into a world of mine because I refuse to participate in acts that hurt myself and other people

I am selfish when I do not want to face conseuqences to my actions

I am selfish in wanting to dodge my problems

I am selfish when I think about bad sins I want to do

I am selfish for judging about people’s sacrifices that were unnecessary. I am selfish when I do not see the real motive or purpose.

I am selfish for not making enough sacrifices.

I am selfish when I fail to commit to my words even if I can sense that it will kill me.

I am selfish in every way in everyone’s hearts

I am selfish in every binary situation and in every contrast

I live upto everyone’s words and yet continue to be selfish

I try my best not to be but I end up being anyways.

Do I know what selfish is anymore or do I just need a word to end everything I want to say?

Stranger

Hey Stranger

I have all these people around me. These people who love me but I can never find myself to talk as openly as I would like. There is always a wall that will stand between them and me. I build this wall and refuse to climb over it or let anyone break it down. When times comes, I might let the right person break it down or I will.

I subconsciously always refrain myself from telling you all my truest feelings because I don’t want my stories to burden you or I don’t feel comfortable telling them to you no matter how much I love you. I don’t know what the problem is, all I know is that I am not comfortable with crossing that boundary.

I hate myself for that, but I also don’t. I don’t think I can remember ever having much open conversations where I have laid out all my true feelings. This does not mean I lie to you, I just haven’t laid out the full picture. I have only given you the icing, the information I think is necessary or the maximum I can give. The whole cake remains, and I don’t think I will let anyone take that entire bite.

When I try to tell you it all, something happens that makes me not tell you. These might be excuses my mind conjures up into tricking not to say to you, but I believe these excuses. I feel like I let you open up completely, but you don’t want to do it for me. Maybe this is just my mind. I don’t know.

If I ever want to explode and spill out all my secrets and the feelings I am harbouring, I think I can only do it with a stranger because they don’t know me. We both are going in with zero contextual knowledge of each other. So I will not be afraid of them judging me or having to worry about how I am burdening them because we might never see each other again after this.
We can talk and talk and promise to never meet each other again until the next time or perhaps move onto another stranger to avoid all the connection with the previous.

I guess I feel more at ease about talking my truest stories or feelings with strangers because, with the people I love, I don’t know how to. I guess I am afraid of thier thought process when speaking to me and maybe of the words they would use to reply back.

It’s too complicated. I value your love, maybe that’s why it hurts. I am afraid of things changing after I tell you about what keeps me up at night. I guess I am not sure if I want to let you in on all my vulnerabilities or my thoughts.

I can’t seem to place a finger on what it is that is keeping me from exploding my secrets to you.
Perhaps it has been in my family and nature not to reveal too much of ourselves out to the world because then that is how they will perceive us, through pity eyes. Perhaps it is the doubt of you taking advantage of my vulnerabilities.
It is never one reason. It is a whole multitude of them.

I have always made up these stories of spilling out everything, having these talks I have always wanted to have with someone. I am not sure if it will ever function in reality, considering I can’t even share the truest of my feelings with my family and best friends.

It sucks, it’s not their fault. It’s mine. I can’t seem to do it. It looks so easy, but it is so hard.

When you ask me how I have been, I give answers such as I am fine, which I actually am. It’s there will always be these buried stories and pain with me that I can never truly get out in the open. It’s just there continuing to live alongside my life.
So I keep all this inside me, and I just let it be because that is how I have done and I don’t know anything that could change it now.

So that’s why I talk to you stranger because you know me because you are me, but I can’t even be brutally honest with you too because that would crush us both.

So Readers, I place the burden on you and spill out my secrets to you because it is your concern now. I am not afraid of you because you have become my vessel upon which I can spill onto. You hold me.

You and the world are now my strangers. You will always be my strangers. I tell you a majority of the story but never the whole truth because that’s just how. I hide the truth in lines I know you will never be able to decipher because that’s just how.
So in a way, I tell the whole truth. Sometimes.

IKEA

Going to IKEA felt oddly at home. It was surprisng on how a furniture retail company sparks such sheer amounts of happiness!

It was always the best outing with family and friends. When a member of the family suggests going to IKEA, damn oh damn! Our weekends are made!

It is like Christmas! One can just go to IKEA without a wallet and just spend hours over there walking and exploring the difference sections. We are the type to take our wallets with us because you never know. IKEA sure has tricks upon its sleeve to trap you and it sure is an efficient trap!

You know you love IKEA when from a mile, you see that big store logo and your heart starts to beat in excitement thinking of the wonderful day and the fun you are going to have! As you inch closer to that big store, you can’t wait to step your foot in and go crazy!

When you enter, you are greeted with the decor. It quickly sets you into a good mood!

IKEA is never empty. It amazes me on how it always packed regardless of the time or the day!

Exploring the different rooms IKEA had is the most favourite thing of all. Each layout and room rooms gave me different inspiration as to how my dream house would be.

I have always thought that living in IKEA would be the best dream to achieve. I have also made plans as to how I could achieve this.

Plan 1: Steal the invisible cloak from Harry Potter, use the invisble cloak, hide under the duvet and wait for everyone to leave and the store to shut down, then it’s time to party!

Plan 2: Hide under the duvet, wait for everyone to leave and the store to shut down, then it’s time to party!

Not much of variation in the plan, but it is still a plan!

Just imagine, if bored with your current room, you have the comfort of shifting from one room to an other! That’s the magic of IKEA! Offering you different styles and comfort all under a building.

What surprises me more is that all these different rooms are on one floor, just next to each other!

How I usually spend my time in IKEA

In the different rooms , I would go from the bedoom, to the bathroom and then to the kitchen taking notes of how I would incoporate such styles into my dream home. (Would only have the luxury of implementing it, only I were rich! SIGH )


Then in all the bedrooms, I would open the wardrobes and be in awe of how everything is so organized neatly and marvel upon the efficency of utilizng space and storage in such a tiny wardrobe.


I have also imagined situations. When guests come, I will impress them with the multittude of rooms I have to offer and they will gape upon it! I will lead them from one room to another. “This is my bedroom and now we walk into the kitchen.”


When I sit on the chairs in the living room, I imagine the type of conversations I would have with people, the books I would be reading sitting on this chair in this living space and watching TV!


I would stare at office spaces and book shelves and desperately wish, ” Damn, I wish I had that now or Damn, I wish I could have that!”


After careful exploration and fantasies, I then move onto other sections of IKEA, marvelling at all the toys, decor and crockery I would buy for my home!


The kitchen layouts are the most beautiful and desirable ones in IKEA! Oh how I would love for all those storage units! I imagine what I would put in each of those shelving units and how it would all be so efficent for my cooking! Those hard wood floors, marble countertops, the big kitchen counter where I would chop vegetables, prepare batter for cakes! I imagine it all!

I could just imagine me going full out like those chefs in movies, “Julie and Julia” “Chef”

Marble coloured crockery to go with the ambience of my kitchen! Such a beautiful dream!

This is honestly the dream!! Why can’t this be a thing?!

It is not only the interiors of the room that I like but different sections of IKEA, the furniture, the decoartions, the room designs, the toys, the plants! Everything you need for a home, it is all there!

IKEA, such a long walk! Following the directions on the floor, one room leading to another and so on. It’s a fantasy land! You never know what to expect!

Going to IKEA with the family is always a joy but fights do spring up when one cannot control one’s urges and wishes to buy everything the store offers. We go to IKEA planning to buy one item and emerge out of the store with that one item and many others.

Well one thing that IKEA is known for are its Swedish meatballs! Everyone goes crazy for them! I have always wanted to try it but never got around to do it. The restaraunt in IKEA is always super packed thus making it impossible for a non patient person like me to try their food.

I hate waiting but I always do get a hot dog from them! I feel hot dogs from stores like these are just better!

I took this picture in IKEA when I sprawled myself comfortably on the most softest and cosiest bed! I wanted to take this bed home and it was a struggle to get out of this bed!
I am not lying when I tell you, IKEA makes me happy!

I don’t think anyone ever has had a bad time in IKEA. I might be wrong but for a dysfunctional family like mine, we sure do have good times there!