Being Cozy

I woke up to a good day! The skies were clear but now it’s a bit dark out. It’s moody, grey and comfortable; my cup of chai!

Started of the day talking to my mom, dad and grandparents. I had fun! They told me I glowed which made me happy. It was just one of those days where I woke up warm. I laughed along with them in certain memories, was embarssed to hear and be part of some memories but I enjoyed it!

There were moments of sadness in the conversation but today, I chose not to relish in any of that for a change.

I chose not to brood over current challenges and just be cozy today. I decided to read a book, watch a show, listen to some music and go out exploring with my best friend for food!

In many ways, it was turning out to be a “cozy” Saturday I wanted in a long time.

I then started to wonder how wonderful all our minds were, the reason being I remembered a very insiginfcant detail of my dream and I was just curious and amazed by how our minds remember those tiny moments or objects we just saw and then project them into our dreams.

Our mind is a labyrinth streaming many different things, each opening up to a new sense of wholeness or emptiness. A weird labyrinth designed and made for every one of us.

Each thought that I was creating and living it now was aligning up and I couldn’t be more at peace and calm. One thought leading to an other creating a sort of a perfect order in my mind. My system was finally understanding what it means to have your mind in order and learning that a small break from life can achieve wonders to your work.

Later after watching a few episodes, I had then gone to take a shower and came out fresh as the Kerala monsoons. I then opened the blinds and my heart was pleased and in love with the darkness outside my window. The golden lights from the houses illuminated and I saw everything. The green, the hills, the city. I saw it all and I was happy.

I was also happy and excited on the thought of going home. The thought of going back to be with my mom and dad kept me going. Many of the days, it was the sole reason that kept me going through.

I did not worry or overthink over simple things/matters close to the heart today. I treated my mind and heart to a shower which kept its promise in making their troubles go away.

For the first time in god knows how long, I experienced peace and warmth not by escaping into a world of mine but rather into this world I live in.

I want to have more days like these and I also want to know how I can stop doubting myself and be more confident in what I can do.

Today, I believe that I will be fine. I want to keep having that belief now and forever.

Thank You

Rather than fixating on things that are wrong with this world, with me or around me, I wanted to remember the things that make me thankful for the life I have. 

I wanted to remind myself there are many things to thank for, but I don’t do it enough. 

My Thank You To Everyone

Thank you to my family for pushing me to my dreams, for being the essential backbone to my life, for loving me, for doing so much more than I ask for!

Thank you to my mom and dad for every single thing you have done for me. Thank you for your sacrifices! Thank you for everything! Thank you for bringing me to this Earth so that I can live this good life!

Thank you grandmom and grandad for being the best, for helping my mom, dad and I so much! Thank you for your wonderful smiles and help! I miss you all very much!

Thank you to my Vellima, Resmy Swaminathan for being the pillar of strentgh to everybody! God bless your soul and I always know you are there for me and my family because the stars have never shined brighter! You will always live in all our hearts.

Thank you to my friends and my best friends for being there and for allowing me to be the real me. Thank you for sticking through, thank you for the memories, thank you for the fun times, thank you for the emotional everything! Thank you millions!

Thank you to the frenemies for doing what you did. I do not regard this in a bad sense, but I thank you because I have learnt more about myself through these experiences and if not for you, I perhaps would have stuck to my crooked ways and not realized why I hurt you. Thank you for teaching me about the different people in this world.

Thank you to those specific teachers who saw me for who I am, who supported me, who favoured me, who loved me, who taught me the best, and for being one of the reasons to the best school life I ever had.

Thank you to my school and my friends for making half of my school experience as fantastic as possible! Thank you for fun overnight camps, thank you for a visit to the parks where we could have fun, thank you for the morning assemblies, thank you for everything!

Thank you to my home for giving me the sanity to go through life. Thank you to the specific corners of my house where I can slip through to escape some of the wraths.

Thank you, Dubai and the streets for giving me my peace and calm.

Thank you, Kerala for your authenticity, language, emotions, songs, monsoon rains and greenery!

Thank you, Singapore, for helping me adjust to you and for trapping me in a lovely trance for you!

Thank you night drives for helping me build a support system to rely back to. Thank you for creating a path of nostalgia to keep me going!

Thank you Beaches, The Seas and The Oceans for giving me the depth and passion I need. Thank you skies for making my days a fantasy! Thank you rains and moody skies for motivating me in a weird way and for helping me remember my home.

Thank you to all the songs I listen to, thank you for being there and not going away. Thank you for being the support I needed. Thank you for your words. When no one else seems to understand, you are there.

Thank you movies and shows for helping me build a world where I can escape to! Thank you for enlightening me in all ways as possible!

Thank you writers, poets, novels and books for exisiting! Thank you for everything magical you have provided me with!

Thank you to life for helping me grab opportunities that help me advance towards progress!

Thank you to my mind for helping me think about the logics of the situation. Thank you to my mind for helping me realize many of the things my heart fails to capture.

Thank you to my heart for making me human. Thank you to my heart and soul for supplying me with emotions that elevate me to new and the unknown.

Thank you to my body for keeping me alive and for giving me the ability to do a lot!

Thank you, nature for your existence and for helping us live! Thank you for the beautiful and breathtaking sights you offer! Thank you for being there for us! I am in awe of your strength, and I will try my best to help you in whatever ways possible so all of us can keep you safe and healthy!

I Thank You God for helping me, my family, my friends and the world in whatever ways possible! Thank you to the universe and the Gods for being a hand in making my dreams come true!

I apologoize if I might have missed not thanking any of you for your help but I am in debt and thankful for your existence and everything you have done for me!

Thank you to the old times. Thank you for the present and I look forward to Thank You, The imminent future!

Dancing At Two Am

As I was preparing to go to sleep, I decided to suddenly play some Hindi songs and let us say, I did not sleep for a very long time

I danced, pranced around my room imagining scenarios where I would get to perform these songs, weddings, parties and what not!

It was an amazing dance party! A party where my truest colours were lit around the entire room! I decided to let my best friend in on the secret and I sent her two videos of me just dancing and being my best!

After dancing to the fun songs, the romantic in me took over. Hindi romantic/sad songs for some reason have a strong grasp over my heart, the words, the rhtyhm, it makes sense. It makes you want to be in love and be in mutiple heart breaks just so you can imagine what it is like to go through those feelings in the song.

When I was a child, I asked my mom what these songs meant and she said they didn’t mean anything. They were just a bunch of words put randomly to create something for us to sing along. I trusted her blindly without question.

As I started to grow, I started to search for the answers to the questions myself. As I started to grow up, develop feelings and also understand the language more; I started to finally understand what everything meant.

What each moment of the song was trying to say and how I can possibly relate to it now or sometime in the future.

As I go back to listen to these songs, new feelings that were once not there are present as I listen to these old songs I once loved.

I am beginning to understand what it means to love and I beg to relate to it truly for at least once. With these songs, I am starting to understand and my heart wants more. The pain hits harder than ever before.

I guess that is what happens when you start to grow up and understand. You understand how complex and deep everything is rooted and once the wave hits, you sink in deeper.

The songs and movies that didn’t make sense suddenly make a whole lot of sense. Things I didn’t find once touching or meaningless now mean the whole world to me and are the most beautiful.

Why does everything mean different when you grow up and listen to it again? The meaning you thought back then was not what you think now.

When you close your eyes, concentre on nothing else but just the words and rhythm, you can slowly start to feel your heart clench, in pain or joy. I don’t know but what I feel now is pure truth and pain.

When my mother said that statement to me, did she really believe it and if she did, how did she even like the songs she liked back then if she believed they had no meaning. I bet she doesn’t remember that she told me this, but I remember every syllable as clear as day.

When those songs she liked played, why did she react if she believed they had no meaning? I guess she said that to stop the curious and annoying questions that I would ask her further.

Why am I doing this right now?

When small, many things don’t make sense and some do

When you start growing up, many things start to make sense and some still don’t do.

If any of you are interested, I will link down the songs I love to listen to that make me feel the most



Going back “home”

This was written in Dubai a while back and I forgot to post it but I am doing it now…

Upright on the hotel bed I sit with my laptop trying to create sense of what I want to write while my lower body is snuggled up in a big white comfy duvet. I am trying to gather sense of what I feel at this point. I am confused. 

I am in Dubai now, my home or so I felt. I had come here along with my dad for a few days to meet my best friend and well to be in Dubai. I missed it and I wanted to know how my home felt. I was so excited to be used to the old comfort this home once gave me. 

It was around 4 or 5 am on a Friday that I reached. In this hometown, as soon as the people left office/school on a Friday, it symbolised homecoming and we welcomed the weekend. Radio Jockeys wished us to start an awesome and chill weekend and that’s what many of us did. As soon as Saturday evening rolls over, we knew it was time to say goodbye and a rather dull hello to a Sunday dawn, where we had to go back to life, school and work.

As soon as I stepped out from the airport, the humidity extended its welcome by fogging up my glasses. I knew I was home. 

It was that time of the day when the whole city was asleep and there were just a few cars on the road. Nothing much has changed except something. 

While going to the hotel in the taxi, I looked out with so much of fondness and nostalgia outside remembering every memory that took place wherever I looked. My dad and I reminisced at the memoires our family once made at these places. 

As I started remembering more, waves of memories hit from every place I went. When I looked out now, I felt like a stranger roaming around in known lands and not of a kid whose home this was. 

There was something so different in the air and in the atmosphere, I couldn’t put my finger on. I was staying in a hotel in Bur Dubai. 

Back then, I lived in a big old off-white building right here in Bur Dubai. My whole life was consumed by that building. The hotel I was staying in was just behind that big old building which was once home. 

As I looked around where my old home stood, there was so much of change not in the physical sense but more so in the energy and vibrancy of the place. It felt abandoned even though people live here. 

From the days I lived here, I remember how Friday mornings were an embodiment of hustle and bustle. Families went out to get breakfast and did their routine shopping from super markets. There was always something or the other going on and now no one in the streets. Maybe a person or two but that’s it. 

I guess it was the heat that kept people from going but back then, there was still hot scorching heat and people still went out. So, what’s different now?

I was a stranger now. I had been from my home so long, so long that I don’t recognize it any more. It felt as if home died the day I left. I am sorry. 

As I am writing this, I am still trying to understand what I am feeling. It is a pang of sadness and disappointment not because I left this home or some nostalgia. I am just sad and upset because I have finally realized I don’t understand my once upon home anymore. 

I feel guilty for wanting to leave this place. I feel like it is bad of me to feel guilty about this feeling because this has been my home for so long and how can I not like it? How can I just not like it anymore? 

Back in Singapore, I thought I missed Dubai dearly and would do anything to go back but now I have realized, I miss the life, friendships and memories I had. I want to go back to that old life in Dubai. That is what I wanted, not this new one I am put in. 

When I have to leave on the 7thback for Singapore, I don’t feel I am going to miss Dubai, the place. 

For a fact, I know I am going to be hurt when I leave my best friend who lives here. I surely am going to miss the places I always like to go to but again it was that life and that moment of that place. 

I am going to miss the luxury of looking at these places that remind me of my memories, yes, I am going to miss that not anything else I feel. 

When I say I miss Dubai now, I miss that old life, not the place anymore. 

I miss that life and the reason I feel I belong here or even want to come back is for that nostalgic memory and for my best friends. That is it, but when they leave, then what?

I guess I will still come but just for that memories. 

I am always going to be a Dubai kid, but not in the way some people have defined it. I am an old Dubai kid who loved her life here. This was my home once but not anymore. Dubai is always going to be a part of me. 

After all these years, I finally realize what home means. I thought home had a lot to do with physicality but no, as long as I am with my mom and dad and my best friends, I am closer to home. When I have to be truly at home, I also have to embrace the place I live at. I have to be happy and content with the life and role I am doing. 

I want to call a place home when I have it all going. 

Now I know what I missed all this while when I was at university crying, it was that life, that feeling. It is all clear now. 

It was not home I missed; it was the life I once had. 

Why have feelings when you can toss them out?

Will there come a time when I run out of things to write?

Sometimes I imagine a time and a world where we humans do not have any feeling and emotion. We are there to simply exist and nothing else.

What would happen to the world and us?

If I did not have feelings, I would not be in unwanted situations and I think that would be nice.

A world where feelings and emotions were non existent. A world where imagination were non existent. What would become of us? What would happen to me? What talent would I or the world posess if none of us could react to it? What talent would I have or do if I did not have the feelings in me to decide?

If not for the above, would our world even progress? Would this world even be worthy to be called the name “world”? What a bore would that world be.

I often think and am always in deep thought about this situation. Why do I need to have feelings about anything? Why was I not given the ability to not feel and be unresponsive to everything? If that were to be the case, what kind of life I lead?

An easy one but it won’t be called a life.

Sometimes I wonder if not for my feelings, would I have anything to write? If not for the stories I am in, would I have anything to write? If not for using my imagination, would I have anything to write? Am I using the world to find stories to write? Am I using my emotions and feelings to write? But isn’t that what writers do?

It would become a world not worth living in but how would we know if we did not posesses the things that made us feel? This feeling of the world not being alive can only be felt when we possess that feeling but if not, would it be easy and warm to live in this comfort?

Many of the times, I am grateful to feel many things but I am also emotionally tired and utterly devastated to feel it. It is exhausting having to feel and wanting to feel. Sometimes I feel I should get rid of the parts of my brain that causes me to feel and emote.

I do not know what to do when I face emotions I don’t want to face even if they are nescessary for me to progress. I do not like to feel emotions that make me heavy in my heart. I do not like to feel emotions that are filled with tears. I like being in happy thoughts and being in a world where my fantasies come true, but that’s not possible and I am okay with it.

Maybe I can choose not to feel some of these things, but what good would that do to me if I can’t accept them as a part of me? I can’t run away from them and I don’t want to. Each of these feeling helps me somehow, I just am not sure how but I know they do help in some weird way.

I think I embrace them but not well. Who am I to determine that? I don’t know on what basis I am making this deduction.

It is the bad times that make us feel this way. That is when the good times help.

I just look out at the world and I am thankful for every feeling and emotion bestowed upon me. If I were incapable to feel, I would not have had the joy and sanity when I looked outside.

If not for these given feelings, I would not have had the capacity to fully immerse in wonderful experiences I have with my family and friends.

I feel happy when I go out for a walk listening to mellow tracks. That gives me the warmth and resolution to keep going and to be inspired. I have my faith renewed once again and a hope that I will do just fine.

I would not lie when I tell you that I am in a dilemma with matters like these. At times it seems so good but at times it only pains. I will always have my reactions to life and I guess nothing could change that. I could perhaps learn to react better and not let it hurt me more than it should.

These things are out of control and that is why being human is the most difficult job in the entire galaxy. It is a constant state of managing them in various ways best suited to you and for the world outside.



The one where I turned Twenty.

24th May Midnight

I sit here waiting for the clock to strike midnight and it has already stuck. I can’t help but feel not at home and lonely

I feel sad and an impending sense of doom has crushed me as I hit 20. I feel worthy and not accomplished.

I haven’t created a set of goals to achieve by 20, but when why do I feel worthless and unaccomplished?

I feel as if there is no meaning to life

I felt like Joey and Rachel in the moments leading up to turning 20 and after turning 20.

(The below clip was my reaction both internally and somewhat externally. Rather than turning 30, this was my state turning 20.)

I guess one more reason as to why I felt so glum and chum was because right before I hit 20, I was watching a movie called Speechless which is a beautiful romantic comedy and damn I love that movie so much, I have decided to let that movie be in my top all-time favourites.

So when watching that movie, I felt like my life was going nowhere. No love, no boyfriend, no relationship, literally that moment in any romantic comedy where the girl says she is going to die alone and drowns herself in food and alcohol. I had that moment minus the food and drinks and it was not good.

I mean I still love being single and enjoying life and having my best friends but you know those moments do exist when you look at others and wish you had what they had, maybe even something even more special.

I mean I turned 20, an adult now. Responsibilities and obligations soon will bind me, not that I don’t like having them but there are some of those responsibilities  I am not a fan of. I don’t know what they are but I don’t like them already.

Coming to celebrating my birthday at midnight, everyone was there, my family and my friends called me right on the stroke of midnight to see me cut the cake and well wish a happy 20. I swear, they literally in that moment were the reason for a tiny ray of happiness of turning 20.

And as the midnight progressed into the morning, my mom has tears down her face and cries because I am growing old and well then I am going to get married and I am going to go away and all that. So well that also put me off of the fact that I turned 20.

I am always very excited for my birthdays, I love them!! I look forward to my birthdays like it’s the greatest thing on Earth but this year, I did not feel that glistening sense of hope or an excitement towards the adulthood.

I mean I like adulthood, I enjoy the freedom and I look forward to having a job and everything, my own house and all that but comes at a cost of growing old. Have I lived my life the right way? Have I done what I have intended to do?

I feel content and happy with how I have lived life but I always wish I could do more, but I did not have the opportunities back then but now I do and I intend to utilise all of it.

It’s been three days since I turned 20, so far I feel normal. I don’t feel old but everyone keeps reminding me that I am old and I should know this and that and what not. I still don’t like the fact that I turned 20.

I feel like a teenage kid trapped in a teenage kid body living a teenage adult life. Like a Freaky Friday situation.

I have many goals, visions and desires I want to complete and I do hope I can do all of it or at least some of the ones that I really desire.

Thank God, I did not decide to get a tattoo of my birth date on my hand because I do not want to be reminded every day that I am growing old and closer to death.

Here is a toast to Adulting

I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me and dear God, I hope I can bear it.

The Endgame…

A thing you should know about me is that I care very deeply for movies, shows and books especillay the ones that I have invested my life and time in, it is a part of me, so some people might think that this is all a bit too much but frankly, I do not care because this is me. I love this bit about myself. Loving these movies, shows and books with all this passion and intensity is what I love the most. I feel infinite.

Coming to the point on what this piece is going to be about, I have been a fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe as long as I can remember and I just watched Endgame, the movie that brought that saga to an end. The movie that brought a decade to an end.

Relax; I am not to be giving out any spoilers because I am not the fan that will ever betray my family like that. I respect and worship the work way too much to do that and also life taught me that in hard ways.

Coming back to what this piece is about; my mind and heart cannot fathom to bring itself in terms with what I witnessed and were a part of. I watched the movie two times in a row and I am feeling all these emotions that I don’t know how to control. I am drowning in them; not in the way that I enjoy but to the point where my heart physically pains and I need a way to heal.

So here I am pouring out my emotions because I feel this could be my way of healing.

I wander around these empty spaces with a heavy heart

I feel my heart getting crushed by the weight of the boulder that has been dropped from the heights above

It was cathartic

I sit here buried in tears and crash into the warmth of my comforter

I made the mistake of not understanding how broken I would be after I a saga come to an end

I have been in this ride for years and years knowing but also not knowing what it was all leading up to…

I fell in love with all of them, I fell in love with how each of them progressed with time

I fell madly in love with the family and the team

I too have a weakness like every other being, my mind does not want to be bias but my heart has been tuned out differently

I have given my heart to the people that were since the dawn of the time, to the people that lay the foundation for this great miracle, the team that started the intitiative and set up the saga

These stories were intense but fun, heart shattering but carried a sense of bitter sweetness,

Enemies were made, Friendships were made and broken, Teams came together yet also fell apart. Everything and anything managed to happen

Chaos erupted across the galaxies

I have shed tears, I have laughed, I have rejoiced, I have been gutted. I have loved. I have hated. I have felt everything I possibly can through these stories.

My heart would always lie with the six. The origins of a greater good. The start to it all.

Over the years, it all lied in the tiny fragments, each fragment carried a piece ultimately leading up to the end, the end for many of us but also a beginning to a new dawn

I never realised how embedded I was in this until I realised I may never see them again. I failed to understand how much of a mess and a chaos I would be. I underestimated how much I would be affected. I did not put it into count.

I stroll along those memory lanes and dwell when times were simpler. To the times I knew they would come back.

My mind and heart refuse to fathom that it has come to an end, a conclusion. An end where I will never see them return again.

As the sun sets, a new dawn arises and that is what had happened

I thank you and will always cherish you Marvel.

Like they said, “Part of the journey is the end.”

I look forward to what you have in store for us.

Thank you for the best 11 years and for the best 22 movies you have given us.