Changes

This phrase, everything happens for the best and Change is good. I do not know what to make of it.

What is the protocol here? What is expected of me?

Changes simply kept happening everywhere and I slowly felt myself loosing my grasp on the world I lived in.

 

Incident that took place at August 2018

There was this small yogurt place down in box park, Jumeirah. The last time I had been there was with my family and grandparents. It was a beautiful time indeed.

I wished to go back there again because of box park and that small place amidst the fancy shops, big ship containers designs beautifully and when the night sets in,  beautiful lights surround and create the most magical and beautiful vibe.

My cousins had come to Dubai and we took them around La Mer and box park. It was Dubai’s highlight. Everything about this place had a certain aura and magic to it. Growing up around these streets and witnessing the changes around was one of a kind experience.

So coming back to the yogurt place, to mark the end of my day with my cousins, I wished to go there and have a frozen yogurt, It was always a tradition, whenever we would go there, we would always have that frozen yogurt. Big enough for a family because we weren’t that much of a sweet tooth when it came to things like these but for other desserts, yes.

So, in the hopes and excitement of getting a yogurt, I was filled with emotions and when we reached there, we were unable to find it. I still did not lose hope but it all came crashing down when the security guard over there told us that that place closed down months ago.

At that very moment, my heart dropped into the deepest pit of my body, then it broke into small pieces and was scattered all over into the depths of that pit. It felt as if going into a black void and with no way out to see the surface ever again.

That change, why was that change for the best or for the good? That change was bad. Businesses shutting down, people losing jobs, this country was becoming so costly to live in. The old Dubai essence whizzed away. This was not the Dubai I once grew up in. Certain parts of it still remain the same, but still. Why did that change happen? What good was it?

 

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My home, changed so much and I love it to the best. Leaving it is always was the hard part. When I had to leave my home for uni, that change. It was nice at first but then it took for a worse turn when I got homesick and cried every day. How was that change good or for the best? Probably it was for the best because I was getting a good education and making my life ready.

But what good were the changes at my home? They weren’t great, no one was happy.

 

“People are always telling you that change is a good thing. But all they’re really saying is that something you didn’t want to happen at all… has happened.”

-A quote from the movie you’ve got mail. 

A quote so true.

 

Right now

Change is the only thing that seems to be one of the constants in my life right now. Starting with family, the most fundamental root, I wish I could say everything is for the best and continue to keep the positive facade, but some times it’s not and it worries me sick about the present and the future.

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I worry about changes a lot. I look forward to the good changes in life, don’t we all?

I still can’t place my feelings on how I feel about change. For the worst or for the best? Is change life’s way of spicing up our’s and it’s lives. Is change a living entitiy that is in all our lives and can only thrive like this in every movement of time?

I also find myself changing a bit, it might be a silly or an insigficant change, but it does matter to me. When it comes to us, every single detail matters. It’s like a spider web, you mess with one string, the whole foundation just falls apart.

I had this habit, whenever I missed my mother, I used to play old malaylam songs because it reminded me of her and when she used to sign and hum to the tunes. It was embedded in me since I was a child. And intially when I came to uni, crying my heart out to it was what I did. I always knew what I was getting myself into when the songs came, long hours of crying and pain.

But now, as I play these songs, I do feel myself drown in the sorrow and pain of my mom not being there with me. The pain of being miles apart resurfaces but I once have not cried to it ever since I got back from my vacations. All of you might find this as a small change, but like I said, even the tiniest of change is a huge deal

I also find people changing, for some profounding reason for the good but then there are the basket cases where I have lost hope in.

So far, it has all been good. I am meeting new and amazing people.

As time gets ticking, my future keeps changing as well, every day has it’s own changes. I am anxious but also excited to see what the future has in store for me.

I am happy with some of the changes so far, exciting changes and moments have been happening for one of my best friend and I couldn’t be more happier and proud of her because she has worked so hard and she desreves it. I am happy with some of the changes that have also been happening to me. Through bad times I have learnt in some good lessons and changes.

And just a few minutes back, I have been blessed with the most amazing news for my family. I am not saying anything out loud because I do not want to jinx or anyone to jinx it because there are some people in the world who really would go to all lengths on destroying one’s family and peace of mind.

 

It’s time to end, and here is how I think I am doing

So, I am getting around just fine despite the storm… 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

 

I think and feel way too much. (Part 2)

This is a sequel to the first installation of the series.

Why you may all wonder ( or if you don’t wonder, it completely fine as well ) These kinds of emotions are life long and it can’t be only contained in one post. So this is gonna be a small series.

How I came to be like this?

This overly humane emotional side of me came after the start of my uni journey. I am telling you, this journey of mine in uni has taught me a lot about people, life and myself. It’s a total game changer. (That story is for another time.)

As I was saying, I was always emotional and cried to movies especially too Disney where the movies were about animals. Like The Fox and the Hound, Dumbo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Lilo and Stitch, Coco, Up, Wall-E, Lion King, Wreck it Ralph, Inside Out, Two Brothers and so much more

( OH GOD, even writing about this makes me cry and so upset)

Some of the movies do have their happy endings but you know there are those moments that you cant contain yourself and you need to spill out the waterworks despite all the people there with you and I have never been afraid to cry out loud in theatres. I am always the sobbing mess. Gosh, for avengers infinity war part 1, the ending. When I watched it, I was basically dead in the mind and no words were able to be formed. My mind was destroyed and blank because of the terror I had gone through.

English movies have a separate form of a genre in me, just for crying. Now comes Malayalam movies, the worst tool of all to make me cry just in a matter of seconds. This recently made its entry into the genre list. The reason why Uni again.

So after uni began and well me being apart from my family, oceans and seas away, it really got to me. So Malayalam songs and movies were the antidote to help me cope up with the fact that I was away from home and also brought me closer to home because many of these songs, my mom had sung to me when I was a child and the movies were the bonding moments for me and my family.

Old malu movies, songs and one song from the movie and the movie itself ” How old are you” were the ones that got to me the most because they reminded me so much of my mom and the fact that she wasn’t beside me just got to me. The plot of that movie and the actress reminds me so much of my mother, that I break. I cry and cry and then I call my mom and she calms me down. Then I feel better.

Usually, this process takes place in midnight when I cant go to sleep or when I miss my mom too much, or simply, I decide to torture myself by doing this process and I know it’s going to make me upset but I still go for it.

Sometimes I just set the trap for myself and I know how deep I am going to get in, but that doesn’t stop me from doing so.

Maybe you need it sometimes in your life.

( PS: As you can see, I am really attached to my mom, it’s because we have gone through a lot and she has done so much for me, I just can’t imagine a life without her in it. She has sacrificed a lot for me and sometimes, I wonder why so and what I have done to deserve it.

People often make fun of the amount of “maluness” I have but I am so proud of it and I would never change it.

Life and it’s troubles just stick with you, promises to leave but does take a lot of time to act upon it. That could also be a reason as to why I think and feel too much. Then watching the news and troubles of the world also makes me upset, and then of my friends and family. Overall it’s tedious process but somewhere deep in my heart, I think everything happens for a reason, but why does bad things have to happen to good people. For what reason is that?

People change, the world changes. I think why, there have been people I know for so long and been so close with, when they change, I wonder why.

We grew far apart, I have tried my best, what could I do more? These kind of things make me upset and think too much. What more could I have done? Well faults could have been made by me, but I am ready to fix it.

But then I think if they aren’t willing to fix it or bring it back to normal, then they aren’t interested. Probably I should stop trying to fix things that were broken or meant to be. It’s how the world works. It takes both the parties to make it work, Can’t do all the job by myself. Probably for the best. I console myself by telling this and I try to accept it. Someday I might, but I am doing a better job of it tho.

Sometimes, tho I think it’s for the good, just searching for the reasons how and why.

So goodbye for now. This is never the end.