Tag: friends

I am selfish

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I am selfish

I am selfish when I wish for plans to be cancelled so I can have a day to myself.

I am selfish in wanting to do things alone, things that my friends like to do with me, but I am selfish and want to do it by myself.

I am selfish for craving momentary happiness and for wishing momentary sadness for people who bring me down.

I am selfish in wanting to keep everyone to myself but I am also selfish when I want to keep myself away when they need me.

I am selfish when I don’t to share my world with the others.

I am selfish for wanting so much when I don’t deserve half of it.

I am selfish for not speaking up about what matters the most to me because it hurts others when I don’t.

I am selfish for speaking my true mind that hurt others and myself.

I am selfish for going after I want and not thinking about the countless lives I am leaving behind

I am selfish for wanting to chase something that can bring destruction to my family.

I am selfish when I escape into a world of mine because I refuse to participate in acts that hurt myself and other people

I am selfish when I do not want to face conseuqences to my actions

I am selfish in wanting to dodge my problems

I am selfish when I think about bad sins I want to do

I am selfish for judging about people’s sacrifices that were unnecessary. I am selfish when I do not see the real motive or purpose.

I am selfish for not making enough sacrifices.

I am selfish when I fail to commit to my words even if I can sense that it will kill me.

I am selfish in every way in everyone’s hearts

I am selfish in every binary situation and in every contrast

I live upto everyone’s words and yet continue to be selfish

I try my best not to be but I end up being anyways.

Do I know what selfish is anymore or do I just need a word to end everything I want to say?

Stranger

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Hey Stranger

I have all these people around me. These people who love me but I can never find myself to talk as openly as I would like. There is always a wall that will stand between them and me. I build this wall and refuse to climb over it or let anyone break it down. When times comes, I might let the right person break it down or I will.

I subconsciously always refrain myself from telling you all my truest feelings because I don’t want my stories to burden you or I don’t feel comfortable telling them to you no matter how much I love you. I don’t know what the problem is, all I know is that I am not comfortable with crossing that boundary.

I hate myself for that, but I also don’t. I don’t think I can remember ever having much open conversations where I have laid out all my true feelings. This does not mean I lie to you, I just haven’t laid out the full picture. I have only given you the icing, the information I think is necessary or the maximum I can give. The whole cake remains, and I don’t think I will let anyone take that entire bite.

When I try to tell you it all, something happens that makes me not tell you. These might be excuses my mind conjures up into tricking not to say to you, but I believe these excuses. I feel like I let you open up completely, but you don’t want to do it for me. Maybe this is just my mind. I don’t know.

If I ever want to explode and spill out all my secrets and the feelings I am harbouring, I think I can only do it with a stranger because they don’t know me. We both are going in with zero contextual knowledge of each other. So I will not be afraid of them judging me or having to worry about how I am burdening them because we might never see each other again after this.
We can talk and talk and promise to never meet each other again until the next time or perhaps move onto another stranger to avoid all the connection with the previous.

I guess I feel more at ease about talking my truest stories or feelings with strangers because, with the people I love, I don’t know how to. I guess I am afraid of thier thought process when speaking to me and maybe of the words they would use to reply back.

It’s too complicated. I value your love, maybe that’s why it hurts. I am afraid of things changing after I tell you about what keeps me up at night. I guess I am not sure if I want to let you in on all my vulnerabilities or my thoughts.

I can’t seem to place a finger on what it is that is keeping me from exploding my secrets to you.
Perhaps it has been in my family and nature not to reveal too much of ourselves out to the world because then that is how they will perceive us, through pity eyes. Perhaps it is the doubt of you taking advantage of my vulnerabilities.
It is never one reason. It is a whole multitude of them.

I have always made up these stories of spilling out everything, having these talks I have always wanted to have with someone. I am not sure if it will ever function in reality, considering I can’t even share the truest of my feelings with my family and best friends.

It sucks, it’s not their fault. It’s mine. I can’t seem to do it. It looks so easy, but it is so hard.

When you ask me how I have been, I give answers such as I am fine, which I actually am. It’s there will always be these buried stories and pain with me that I can never truly get out in the open. It’s just there continuing to live alongside my life.
So I keep all this inside me, and I just let it be because that is how I have done and I don’t know anything that could change it now.

So that’s why I talk to you stranger because you know me because you are me, but I can’t even be brutally honest with you too because that would crush us both.

So Readers, I place the burden on you and spill out my secrets to you because it is your concern now. I am not afraid of you because you have become my vessel upon which I can spill onto. You hold me.

You and the world are now my strangers. You will always be my strangers. I tell you a majority of the story but never the whole truth because that’s just how. I hide the truth in lines I know you will never be able to decipher because that’s just how.
So in a way, I tell the whole truth. Sometimes.

Dear Emily Dickinson

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Dear Emily Dickinson, I come from lands and times where your desires come true. Women do get to vote, but we still don’t have it all. However, we are working towards making the world a place where women and men are equal in front of everyone’s eyes.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I come here to tell you that what your heart seeks does not make you strange. You were just born into the times where no one could ever understand your worth.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish I could have held your hands and tell you how great your words are. I wish I could have held your hands and comforted you.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I believe you, and I would have shared wonderful conversations about literary works. You would surely be surprised at the quality and amount of works that come from my times, and I could hear your thoughts on the works that existed in your times.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish I lived in your times because I would push you into publishing your words so that you could witness the world awing at your poetry.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish you would have taught me how to have a green thumb. You and I could spend infinite time in your conservatory, and I could say I have had the honour to watch Emily Dickinson in action getting inspired from nature.

Dear Emily Dickinson, I do not know if I have would been the companion you truly deserve, but I would have surely tried my best.

Dear Emily Dickinson, if this world’s techonology would have been made available to you, you would have been an internet sensation with your poetry. On Twitter, you would be considered a sage and a savage. On Instagram, you would gain millions of admirers for your poetry. In this world, you would be a known as a poet, what you always wanted.


Dear Emily Dickinson, I wish there were a way that I could tell you about the impact you have brought upon me and millions. I hope that this piece of admiration reaches you, wherever you are.

Conversations with dad

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It started with a message. My dad messaged saying “Hello Guddu…”, and then I replied, saying “Hi, Daddy Betta” and then called him because he had woken up to the dawn. His body clock couldn’t bear being in bed for more than a minute he was intended to wake up at. That’s what he said, but I phrased it better. After all, I am my dad’s daughter, I do carry the genes of words in my blood.

We talked the usual, he asked me how I was doing, I asked him how he was doing and what he was up to today. Usually, conversations with my dad go short and brief. The same old conversation every time just with different words every day.

Today was different, it was one of those conversations I rarely have with my dad. I asked him how he found the book he finished reading, and he went into such a beautiful monologue about the book describing what he felt, the story, how the people in the story are and so much more.

The key moment I remember from this conversation is that he kept defining straightforward terms to me, which I clearly understood. He kept asking me if I knew what some of the words meant and I said “yes, dad, I did learn all these in school ” to which he said ” I don’t know, you rarely come up to me and talk about” This touched me to my very core. I was on the verge of tears, but I kept going. What he said was the truth, and it hurt.
My dad doesn’t know a lot about me, and it hurt him and myself. I don’t know a lot about my dad, either.

There was this invisible wall between my father and myself, and I didn’t know how to fix it. When my dad talks with my friends, he speaks so fondly of his memories and what he did, and that is one of the very few time I know about his life. I get jealous of my friends because they interact with a side of him that I never get to interact with much. Everything I know about his life comes from my mom or through conversations with my friends. I don’t remember having conversations with my dad about his college/school/past life much.

It upsets me because I want to know so much about my dad, but I just don’t know where or how to start. Whenever we talk, it’s usually about my degree or what I am going to do. After a while, it gets tiring having the same conversation with him about my future. I understand my father is concerned, but I want to talk about so much more, dad.

While he was telling what he loved about the novel, I told him whatever he said was very relatable as it was something I was studying now. We shared our ideas and notions about literature and the world, and it was such a pleasant conversation. When he was talking, I thought about how much of an amazing lecturer he would be. I would gladly sit in my dad’s classes and would be honoured to listen to him talk about books and the themes of it.

My dad and I have a good relationship. We joke with each other, he tells amazing poetry and puns but what I want more is to have deeper conversations other than where my future is going.

I love the moments we have shared. Our conversations and walks in Dubai and Singapore, having your first beer in a pub with me, dropping me off to Uni for the first time, cooking for me, teaching me how to cut tomatoes, dropping me everywhere I wanted, our Friday morning drives in Dubai, our scooter ride in Kerala, our bike ride in Dubai, your dune buggy accident in the dessert, having Pani Puri in the shops in Bur Dubai, us going to the DVD store to buy films to watch. I also love the songs that you listen to, you have good taste in music dad as for your movie taste in Bollywood, not so much…

I remember it all dad. I can’t wait for more moments and conversations with you.

I am growing up, and I have so little time with you. I do not want to have regrets. I want to know your side of the story, I want to know why you did certain things and why you didn’t. I want to know all about the what if’s and the but’s and the yes’s and the no’s. I might not understand why you had to do some of the things you did but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know anything about you. I want to know everything about you, Dad.

Daddy betta, I know you are reading this. I have a tough time speaking out how I feel, but through words, I can tell it all. Don’t be upset while reading this, okay.

I know it might be hard for you, I or us to start from somewhere but that does not mean we shouldn’t give it a try. I might get irritated and annoyed but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try. “I am the exact photocopy of you” as people say, so you know better how to deal with a mini you.

Some times when you pamper me a lot by speaking in a accent you usually talk with small children and babies, I do get annoyed but I do enjoy it as well. Don’t ever stop doing it despite my annoyance. I love it. Amma always says that “he does it because you are still a small child in front of him and don’t ever get annoyed at him for that”. I get it but I do also want you to see me as an adult as well.

Dad, I love you so much and thank you for working so hard for our family and me. You do so much, and I want you to know that your efforts will be rewarded and are never unnoticed. I do hope I make you proud, daddy betta. We have had our fights and arguments, but I love you no matter what dad. I do hope you know that.

I will always be your “Chunnu babba betta and how much ever nick names you want”!

Sad

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16th November 2019

I try to wake up out of the bed, but I can’t.

My mind does not work today and it has just taken on the role of making me feel miserable about every aspect of myself.

I am sad and I just want to be in my bed all day.

I want to move on from being sad but I do not want to.

I also want to be sad and just not want to relish in any other emotion today.

My heart wants to go out, do things that will make me feel anything but my body and face phsycially can’t move any of its muscles. It just stays there paralysed.

I am hungry but I do not want to eat. I watch the hours go by and decide when I want to eat, but I don’t.

I get myself out of bed because my bed no longer feels comfortable. I try my best to not prolonge this sadness, so I clean my room and attemp to clean myself in hopes that a change would improve my mood but it doesn’t.

I do not want to do anything.

My heart tells me to go and seek for companions, my heart tells me to go and seek for anything but this. My heart tugs on my strings tighly causing my chest to pain but I just sit here and do nothing. I take a deep breath and continue to do nothing.

I hope this passes away because I do not like feeling this way but for now, I do not mind this. Why do I want to feel this way now? I do not know. Perhaps there would be a lesson for me to learn.

This sadness, is this real? I do not know. I can’t figure out what mood I am in right now. I do not want to talk to people but I just wish someone would ask me “how are you?” or any question related and I could just answer “fine”. Just asking this question is enough for me. It would make me feel nice because I know someone atleast bothers to care about me.

Just for one day, I would like someone to focus on me and listen to everything I want to try and say. Just this one day, I would like to not go after you and instead would prefer you after or for me.

Am I choosing to feel this way so that my artistic drive has something to write about or am I geuninely sad? I do not know anymore. I am conflicted and I need help.

17th & 18th early morning, November 2019

Days are going by. I am still sad but not wholely. I am keeping myself occupied with things that matter most to me but I still am sad. I try so much to move on from what keeps me sad but I can’t.

My heart starts to physically ache, my chest at times starts to close in on me and I can’t breathe. I breathe in and out and I some how manage to get myself back on track.

My insecurities start to pile up one after the other reminding me of horrible facts and outcomes. I feel worthless and my constant fear of no one ever loving me comes to haunt me and makes me sad. My constant fear of being a failure comes to haunt me and makes me sad.

Everything that I think about makes me sad. Everyone around me makes me feel insecure.

I know why I am upset. I know why I am like this right now. I feel terrible that I let this reason affect me so much. I hate myself for it but there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to go through and deal with this hoping time would make it better and easy.

I look at the hours and wait to go to sleep but I do not want to. I can feel my eyes wanting to shut down but I try to be awake for just a few more hours so that I can sleep after exhausting myself of all thoughts.

Whenever I feel like I have made progress, I am just becoming worse. Perhaps being worse and then feeling better is what I need right now.

I scream inside to “please stop this” but no avail.

18th November Mid day, 2019

A new day yet the same old sadness.

I think I am getting better and slowly forgetting why I am sad. Who am I kidding? I guess I should fake it till I reach it.

I just hope it gets better.

For now, time does not seem to be working in my favour.

I shift back and forth between faces I show to my friends and family and then to myself. It has become tiring.

I do not know how to talk about this or who to talk to. I just am not good with this. Even if asked, I know I will not provide the full truth. So I guess, I should just keep this to myself and do my process of making it go away.

I want to cry because I know once I start crying with my heart and eyes, this sadness will start to leave bit by bit but the problem is I can’t bring myself to cry. I do not know how to cry or what to cry about. I do not know what trigger to use.

I know it will get better but when?

I am tired of waiting to feel better.

I am sad. I want to feel better now.

Afraid, Scared and beyond

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We all have things that we are afraid and scared of. Synonyms of the same feeling but all carrying a minute difference.

Upon further research, I present to you the difference between these words.

” ‘Scared’ is an adjective used to indicate fear or anxiety. A scared person is nervous or frightened about something.

‘Afraid’ is used as an adjective too, and it literally means ‘filled with fear’.  So we might imagine a person so full of the feeling of fear that they cannot think about anything else.

To indicate a higher level of fear, the words ‘frightened’ or ‘terrified’ can be used.  While these are synonyms of ‘scared’ and ‘afraid’ they can be used to indicate a more sudden or reactive fear. “

This brings me to my next question. Can one experience all at the same time? I guess so because I know that I am juggling with all these adjectives at the same time.

Look at me go while I use all these synonyms

Scenario 1

I am scared about my future plans

I am afraid about putting my future plans into action and being afarid when things go awry. I am bold to step into the light but I am equally afraid and insecure about what I can do which brings me down.

I am terrified that I will not be able to achieve any of my dreams and goals.

I am frightened and terrified thinking of the possibility of where my life is going and when failed or if nothing goes according to plan, what do I do?

Scenario 2

I am scared thinking of the possibility of living a life after my family leaves me.

I am afraid of this thought duanting every aspect of my life. I am afraid of this truth.

I am terrified to ever live in this truth. I am terrfied of what will be of me after this horror.

I am frightened to live in a world without my family because I would be loosing my pillar of everything.

Scenario 3

I am scared of confronting or talking about my feelings to the others because of the inconvience I would put them in.

I am afraid when confronted. I am afraid to think of the ‘what if’ situations.

I am terrfied and hate myself because of the damage I do to myself and everyone around me.

I am frightened to let go of the people I love the most because of my inadequate behaviour to not be upfront or by hiding everything I feel.

Scenario 4

I am scared of loosing my friends.

I am afraid my friends or people who I wish to be friends with would not understand me or would leave me as soon as they discover something bad about me.

I am terrified and always think of reasons as to why my friends would leave me someday. The reason would always be me doing something. It could be the only rational explanation. It always is me.

I am frightened that this quality in me would render me alone for a very long time.

Scenario 5

I am scared of loosing my sense and style of writing

I am afraid of them being stripped away from me. I am afarid of loosing my touch with them.

I am terrfied of the thought of loosing them because when or if I do, who am I? What am I? What makes me different from everyone else? How else would I tell my stories and pour out my heart?

I am frightened that I will no longer be heard or seen. Once I am stripped away from my words, I fear that I won’t have an identity that makes me original.

I am frightened and terrified to loose my words because my words tell a lot about who I am. I am scared of loosing my uniqueness to a world filled with more mystery and uniquess.

I try very hard to not let the synonyms of terror haunt me but there are just some of those days that the strongest house you have built for yourself will fall apart.

The thing about a house is that you can also build it back up, stronger and sturdier. I should just make sure to not be crushed under the debris permanently.

Being Cozy

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I woke up to a good day! The skies were clear but now it’s a bit dark out. It’s moody, grey and comfortable; my cup of chai!

Started of the day talking to my mom, dad and grandparents. I had fun! They told me I glowed which made me happy. It was just one of those days where I woke up warm. I laughed along with them in certain memories, was embarssed to hear and be part of some memories but I enjoyed it!

There were moments of sadness in the conversation but today, I chose not to relish in any of that for a change.

I chose not to brood over current challenges and just be cozy today. I decided to read a book, watch a show, listen to some music and go out exploring with my best friend for food!

In many ways, it was turning out to be a “cozy” Saturday I wanted in a long time.

I then started to wonder how wonderful all our minds were, the reason being I remembered a very insiginfcant detail of my dream and I was just curious and amazed by how our minds remember those tiny moments or objects we just saw and then project them into our dreams.

Our mind is a labyrinth streaming many different things, each opening up to a new sense of wholeness or emptiness. A weird labyrinth designed and made for every one of us.

Each thought that I was creating and living it now was aligning up and I couldn’t be more at peace and calm. One thought leading to an other creating a sort of a perfect order in my mind. My system was finally understanding what it means to have your mind in order and learning that a small break from life can achieve wonders to your work.

Later after watching a few episodes, I had then gone to take a shower and came out fresh as the Kerala monsoons. I then opened the blinds and my heart was pleased and in love with the darkness outside my window. The golden lights from the houses illuminated and I saw everything. The green, the hills, the city. I saw it all and I was happy.

I was also happy and excited on the thought of going home. The thought of going back to be with my mom and dad kept me going. Many of the days, it was the sole reason that kept me going through.

I did not worry or overthink over simple things/matters close to the heart today. I treated my mind and heart to a shower which kept its promise in making their troubles go away.

For the first time in god knows how long, I experienced peace and warmth not by escaping into a world of mine but rather into this world I live in.

I want to have more days like these and I also want to know how I can stop doubting myself and be more confident in what I can do.

Today, I believe that I will be fine. I want to keep having that belief now and forever.