Let me paint you a picture here. A picture of what I did. I roamed around these streets filled with skyscrapers that soared up so high in the sky. I knew they are so high because I simply could not get them all to fit in one frame on the shot I wanted to take. I feel oddly at home even though the home I once was in was miles away. I felt at home when I came here, I guess it was those big blue windows that reflected light made it home. It was perhaps those big skyscrapers in the city and the bay front I once knew of made it home. After admiring the building, I walked along the bay, A view that needed admiration. Everything lining up waiting to be awed and gawked upon. I took selfies of myself being happy and silly to capture these moments, so that when I look back on these pictures, I am able to remember the moment and what I liked to do. Looking at the water, then onto the buildings and the statues felt pleasant and calm. It gave me a whiff of nostalgia and provided me with the city magic I needed. I was alone in this adventure of mine. Right beside the bay walk, there was a small green ground where the food festival was about to take place. I saw families, friends, couples walk hand in hand smiling and admiring. I liked the presence of myself. I could not create any chaos or unhappiness to myself in such places. I admire being in them but could not help on how it would feel if I were to be with family, friends or a lover. A moment of happiness couldn't seem to last longer than a few minutes before the storm hits my family. It doesn't happen all time but it happens. I wasn't keen on taking that chance, not today. I saw people eat the delicacies from different stalls with their friends and family. Enjoying and laughing, having a good time. Being around this whole celebration and looking at it made me feel awkward. It made me feel like I was supposed to be with someone, anyone just so that I could pass as someone blending with the crowd. I then looked around if there were people like me, alone and enjoying. Not a lot were there but yes, there were some. I realized then, why am I being so bothered about this? I am having fun and enjoying. Isn’t that the point after all? Why risk bringing a factor that could cause you to frown and worry? The past and the present has made me afraid to bring along a family along with these adventures. My happiness fades away as soon as a dispute occurs. It happens quite commonly. Sometimes I think it is me. I think I could be the reason these moments of unhappiness occur. The past and the present are continuously proving so. This is why I venture out alone, not that I don’t mind it most of the times, but sometimes when it gets lonely, it is good to have a hand with you. I look out to the world and then look at the other people Is it something that’s wrong with me or am I just different with my approach? I wish I had something of that sorts. This is all I know This is what I know how to do I was right after all. I ended up to go on and have a great time being in the celebrations. It was because there was no one in that present moment who was capable to ruin my happiness and contentment I felt. For a fact I know that I love to explore by myself and I can do it wherever and whenever. There is a unique fun that lies in that. You are the controller of the day, if you screw up you have no one else to blame but yourself. There is no one to pin point and blame you for the mistakes caused. No sort of remarks to bring you down. You get to do what you want and manipulate the day to your likings. It is all you and some times it is good.
As I was getting ready to sleep, this thought popped up into my mind and got me thinking the above.
I simply cannot understand how only the nights are set out to get these thoughts from me. How is it that the nights are only capable to question the deepest thoughts man mind is afraid to be alone with? How is that in the nights, I have to confront them? So rather than going to sleep and forgetting about them the next morning, I decided to sit down and write every thought that came to me.
This is what came to me.
I can do fine or maybe good by myself but not great.
You know what makes it great. It is the family, the friends and the world I live in that make it great.
You give me a laptop and good wi-fi connection, I will be alright by myself. You give an apartment, a job with money, I can go out and travel and live by myself without the need for human conatct to bring me joy. I can spend days just being with it but in order for my life to be great, I need my family and my friends.
The world is a companion that I need when I am alone. I need the world so that I can step out and go for many walks. I need the world so that there is something I can go and discover.
I need them all so that I can still try and live my great life. I need it all to give me the drive I want and still have.
I am an introvert. I like very specific people and can only express who I authentically am just with them. They bring out the me. With different people, I am a different and authentic self. Some of my friends may not see the side I am with the other people I spend my time with.
That is the thing with me. I guess it can be the thing with everyone. I never show the whole 100 percent. I guess I want to hide that part or maybe I just haven’t been comfortable to show it to you. Keeping that part of myself, just to myself makes me happy. A secret only I know.
I can still live good being by myself in this world but still I need my family and best friends to keep the 50 percent human in me.
I know this sounds selfish, it is all about me, but when you come to think of it, why do we form friendships, why do we love? It is all for ourselves, to make us happy. These people give us happiness and love and that is why we want them in our lives. I like them because I like spending my time with them. Watching them happy makes me happy.
I guess we all are selfish but it is the good kind of selfish. The kind of selfish where we deserve happiness and love for ourselves and the world.
I need them to balance my life.
I need them because I want to shower them with love and I also want to be showered with love.
I need them so that I am aware of life and what is real.
I need them to know what is right and what is wrong. I need them to keep my moral compass alive and good.
I need them so that I can learn all sorts of things.
I need them for many of the memories I want to make. I need them because I still want to live this life of love and happiness I lead.
I need them because they are there for me and I for them.
I need these bonds so that I am not alone in this journey of life.
I need them for me.
I need them to exist.
I often wonder what other people are doing at this very moment that I am in. What are they upto in their lives?
I especially wonder this in case of celebrities because it’s so fascinating for me to wonder what they do in thier spare time because I adore many celebrities and often wonder what they are upto. Do they lead the mundane lives just like the rest of the humans that walk on the face of the earth?
I often wonder what my friends do when I am not with them, we are miles and miles away and I often wonder what they would be doing right now and if were together, I would be then wondering about all the fun times we could have
I wonder what my parents do when I am not at home, I wonder if they talk about me and my shenanigans. I miss them and my home
I wonder what my home is doing without me. Is it changing per second or by per word?
I often wonder what other people in other parts of the world do at this very moment I am in. How are they living life?
I wonder about the people I once knew and who I were very close with. Do they think about the times we all have spent together at one point? Do they miss those times? I do wish we all got to meet at one point in our lives with all the disputes and conflicts settled.
I wonder about the movies and the shows that are put out there. How did it all come together and why? What would have happened if I would have never seen it? Would that change the way I think or would that change a part of me?
Do you ever wonder how your life would have turned out if you hadn’t met the people in your life who have become an imperative part of your life system? I wonder on if I would have never met my friends, what would be of me? Would I go on to discover and make friends with strangers who will then become my friends?
I wonder on how one would feel when they are trapped in the most miserable sadistic feeling ever known to them? How would it be living that feeling on a constant rotation without any relif of ever freeing yourself from it? Have you imagined what it feels like because I do. When I am trapped in that feeling, I imagine what it must feel like to be trapped in it forever and it feels overwhelming and soul crushing
I wonder on how it would be to lead a different life in a different body, somewhere else with different parents
I wonder on how it would be living the life of a person I know or I wish to know. What are the life changes that would dazzle me? How does it feel to be in their shoes?
I wonder on the type of talents I wish I could possess and how I could use it. I wonder on if not for writing, how else would I confront my feelings or express what I feel. I wonder on what my talent would be.
I wonder on how my life would have been if not for the realities I were put into and faced
I wonder on how the future would turn out for me. Have I made the right choices? Will my plan be set in motion? Will I achieve the vision I have envisioned?
I do wonder on the choices I have made and the choices I could have made
I wonder on what would be of me if I were born to different parents. Would I posesses the same mind set, probably not. I do wonder what that would be like. A new identity emerging from a new environment.
I wonder about the stories I have created in my mind and dream on how it would be to live them in reality and not in my head. I imagine them how I could do it in the real life
I wonder on the inventions the world could make based on my ideas. I think about a machine that would capture each and every thought of mine even when I am asleep. A machine that records my dreams and I can view it to my pleasure or continue it.
I wonder what would become of me after death. Is there a life after death? A new beginning for a new soul or an unfinished journey for an old soul. How would I be remembered? How would my loved ones react? Can I still see them from where I am or would my body be turned into particles to join the universe?
There are many things that I wonder and they all get lost somewhere
I wonder on my existence and the use of humans in this world
I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t been born
I dream, ponder and wonder a lot
A thing you should know about me is that I care very deeply for movies, shows and books especillay the ones that I have invested my life and time in, it is a part of me, so some people might think that this is all a bit too much but frankly, I do not care because this is me. I love this bit about myself. Loving these movies, shows and books with all this passion and intensity is what I love the most. I feel infinite.
Coming to the point on what this piece is going to be about, I have been a fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe as long as I can remember and I just watched Endgame, the movie that brought that saga to an end. The movie that brought a decade to an end.
Relax; I am not to be giving out any spoilers because I am not the fan that will ever betray my family like that. I respect and worship the work way too much to do that and also life taught me that in hard ways.
Coming back to what this piece is about; my mind and heart cannot fathom to bring itself in terms with what I witnessed and were a part of. I watched the movie two times in a row and I am feeling all these emotions that I don’t know how to control. I am drowning in them; not in the way that I enjoy but to the point where my heart physically pains and I need a way to heal.
So here I am pouring out my emotions because I feel this could be my way of healing.
I wander around these empty spaces with a heavy heart
I feel my heart getting crushed by the weight of the boulder that has been dropped from the heights above
It was cathartic
I sit here buried in tears and crash into the warmth of my comforter
I made the mistake of not understanding how broken I would be after I a saga come to an end
I have been in this ride for years and years knowing but also not knowing what it was all leading up to…
I fell in love with all of them, I fell in love with how each of them progressed with time
I fell madly in love with the family and the team
I too have a weakness like every other being, my mind does not want to be bias but my heart has been tuned out differently
I have given my heart to the people that were since the dawn of the time, to the people that lay the foundation for this great miracle, the team that started the intitiative and set up the saga
These stories were intense but fun, heart shattering but carried a sense of bitter sweetness,
Enemies were made, Friendships were made and broken, Teams came together yet also fell apart. Everything and anything managed to happen
Chaos erupted across the galaxies
I have shed tears, I have laughed, I have rejoiced, I have been gutted. I have loved. I have hated. I have felt everything I possibly can through these stories.
My heart would always lie with the six. The origins of a greater good. The start to it all.
Over the years, it all lied in the tiny fragments, each fragment carried a piece ultimately leading up to the end, the end for many of us but also a beginning to a new dawn
I never realised how embedded I was in this until I realised I may never see them again. I failed to understand how much of a mess and a chaos I would be. I underestimated how much I would be affected. I did not put it into count.
I stroll along those memory lanes and dwell when times were simpler. To the times I knew they would come back.
My mind and heart refuse to fathom that it has come to an end, a conclusion. An end where I will never see them return again.
As the sun sets, a new dawn arises and that is what had happened
I thank you and will always cherish you Marvel.
Like they said, “Part of the journey is the end.”
I look forward to what you have in store for us.
Thank you for the best 11 years and for the best 22 movies you have given us.
You were a produce amongst many of the others
I chose you out of the many
I nurtured you and I fed you
I fed you with everything you wanted, needed and secretly demanded
Without a moment of hesitation I submitted it all to you
You are a taste one acquires at first but then fails to spit it out letting the venom make its habitat in you
You are a taste that is full of disdain and delusion
You are a poisonous thorn tricked to hide among the flowers and then you strike
You were like the rest but I guess I was never fully over your kind which is why I keep growing you
You spread like a plague in my veins and it furiates me
I fed and fed, your hunger remains an itch
I hear and hear, and now my ears are bleeding
I have hurt and hurt, and your hunger loves it
I know how to get rid of you and when I do decide to unleash the cure, those will be the days you will fear and break
My cure carries so much of hatred and truth that it will forever petrify you and the impact would carry on for the remainder of its time
Your wounds might heal but my cure will always leach on to you
I let you grow into the skies, I let you reach the clouds not soley by my help but you took in the others as well, they helped you without knowing what they are in for
I stay on the ground with my knife sharpened ready to stem you off when the times arrive
Why I do this, I will never know
I let these thoughts get into my head and they make me dance
You are scared of me, now I know but I want to destroy and make you bleed
My toungue itches to make you cry and bleed for what you do but I remain silent with these burning aches and not letting the fumes take over entirely
I let you feel the scorching sun a bit by bit
I will let you get used to these rays, needful and cancerous
I will never unleash my full power on you because I know I will forever break you and I do not want to be haunted for the remainder of my life as I still desire to be a bit of a good human on the inside.
You want to be seen, you want to be the force that breaks and makes it all
You want a life you can never have
You can have it but you are too deluded by your posion to see through your act
You blame me
You strike me in the back with my own weapons
You feed me your hurtful words through your dying self
And yet you seem to be the one in the right
You seem to still be the flower amongst the many
And now I have no choice but to cut off you from the fields
You have leeched onto my depleting self and have taken my sanity and peace
You have ripped me of my happiness and put these questionable sins in my head
Are you worth the sins?
The sins that I should be proud of
The sins that will determine my place in hell
Why does my heart ache at something that never had the fullest possibility of ever happening?
Perhaps it was due to the fact that it dangled in front of me like a bait and I was lured into and trapped.
Why does my heart cry out in silence and clutch at the possibility of clinging on to that hope that would make me happy again?
Perhaps it was due to the fact that I had to pass these days to finish of work and find a drive to motivate me to do my life.
Why do I put myself through these days and hope for a miracle to befall and change it all?
Perhaps it’s because I am a fool to believe in the grandeur and delusions that my heart still clings on to waiting for some good miracles to take place.
Why does the universe conspire against me?
Perhaps it enjoys tricking me into believing that my happiness would be fulfilled; but it then snatches it away at the very end leaving me in sadness and despair
I blame it not on the world and the people in it but solely on myself for expecting it to happen
I blame myself for clinging on to that hope and faith of it taking place into action
When the odds are stacked up against it; I still firmly stand my resolve onto that very last hope
But as each day transpires; I find myself being toyed with and not knowing where to stand and what to put my beliefs into
It is the night and I find myself very upset and lonely at how the outcomes have played in
I seek no companionship or love but only the warmth of some warm home food and the comfort of my loving family beside me at these sad times
But they are not here and are miles away, away from my heart and away from bodies…
My troubles are deep rooted and lie in the tangled web of my feelings and emotions for my family… This is a string so entangled in this web that disrupting it would be equivalent to destructing myself and the universe I exisit in.
I bother to not find a way of letting these troubles escape and fall into the hands of my companions as it is of no use…
I have the best of the comrades with me, but why can I not confide in them?
Perhaps a solution even by them won’t solve the fix I am in…
Why bother when the world can’t help or create a solution?
Talks with my comrades help
Talks help but for how long? They are a source of comfort but the pain still resides now stronger than ever without myself ever realizing it…
No one seems to truly understand where I come from or what I intent as I have trouble laying it out for them to understand, see and dwel.
As I struggle to take out these feelings and pour it out here, I find that the ache still tighlty clutches around my heart and the feeling of sadness has made its home in here now.
What use are my efforts to put it out if I am not getting relived of this mess?
Why bother when the world can’t help or create a solution?
What can I do to evade myself out of this glorified pain?
Sleep it off and let it transpire to the next dawn I wake up in.
Let my mind skip on to the other good things of life and try to move on
What I find myself comforting is indulging is into bussum and the pleasures of Satan?
The former was an attempt to humour myself from the the series of unfortunate events I have taken a turn to
I find myself indulging not into the pleasures of Satan as a comedic relief but into the world of movies and televison shows, being a spectre and the observer of an other world helps myself slip away from the troubles I am in now
From one world to an other, oh how I would love to hop around when things go uneasy all the times but alas one cannot do that at all times.
Or wait for the event to happen and then mope around for believing in the chances and the luck of it happening at all, but what if?
A fool you are to believe that good things happen all the times…
Have you not learnt anything my dear fool?
Why does …
Perhaps, let’s not bother…
18th December 2018, this day was surely faced with a mixed bag of emotions. On this day, I received the wonderful news which was at first devasting because me being me, I never ask for the whole details. I really should inquire about the whole rather than the half.
The news was that my dad got a wonderful job in Singapore which means we all had to leave Dubai, my home.
It was THE GOODBYE, I always dreaded and knew would come someday…
So at first, I was devasted because I realised this winter break was the last time I was truly ever at my home and also with my friends. Then it would all be packed off to Singapore… At first, I was not happy and carried a dislike to the place immediately because of you, my home was taken away from me. I had to say goodbye to it. I am not fond of goodbye’s and you made me do it…
A tip to myself and the people out there: Always remember to wait and listen to the whole details rather than staying at the half, and also ask whatever troubling questions you have about the problem. It may surprise you when the solutions are out there immediately.
I vividly remember this day because I crashed down and broke into huge tears. This was the day I truly realized how much Dubai meant to me and the effects it had on me. It charmed me in and left me bewitched. I have been hooked onto Dubai for long as I can remember. That’s what home does to you. It’s a drug you can’t say goodbye to because it is embedded so deep in your system. You are never truly free from it.
Dubai was what kept me sane and happy. It was what I looked forward to when I came back from uni, indulging into Dubai after my experiences at uni was a comfort. When I had trouble at uni and I was so homesick and troubled by the life there, knowing that I would come back home was what that got me through those tough uncosonalble times, but now it it’s gone… The home and friendship comfort always soothed me, but now it was gone… But there are still ways to mend it…
I found out my dad got a better job at Singapore, so that means goodbye Dubai, my home for 18 years and hello to an entirely different place Singapore. I am looking forward to it, I am really excited to see what it has to offer for myself and my family. My dad and mom are happy and seeing them happy, it makes me happy. A new beginning for my family, I hope and pray for it to be a good new happy fresh start.
All happiness aside, I do feel gutted and upset that I am leaving Dubai, it has been my home for 17 years. I grew up here, lived here, roamed around here, made loads of memories and friendships here, but this wasn’t goodbye forever… The memories would stay on forever… It would always be there in me… I faced many hardships and many happiness from here, it has made me who I am. You were also a good teacher and master to me.
After the crying I did, my parents promised and reassured that I would come back here for my vacations and meet my friends and my home So I am not worried and upset about it, but it truly does suck having your home snatched away. Leaving the place where you call home, and then doing the adjusting process all over again. It takes time for me to adjust to a new place and that was evident when I had to do it in uni. If only, I could have listened before crying, but maybe it was good for me to get it all out of my system. Crying is one of the most effective ways for me to get whatever I have out. Crying is not a sign of weakness, it helps me get it all out and I feel much better. Talking with the right people also helps a lot, so thank you to my mom, dad, and my best friends for being there when I need to talk and for knocking some sense into me.
To my Best Friends out there, we all are growing up, changing, going into different directions and we may not be around for long at the same place. We all might end up in different places, but that doesn’t mean we are going to be lost forever never finding each other. I always manage to annoy and be by them whenever possible, which is through text, calls, and video. They are always there, no matter where I am and where they are. The distance is hard, it’s a huge obstacle, but we are there for each other. There are some friendships that are so strong and worth it, you and them would do anything to be a part of it because it’s too beautiful to abandon and let go. It’s a team effort, not a solo one to make the friendship work.
I knew that Dubai wouldn’t last forever for us. I did have to leave this place for good at some point. Eventually, we all would have to go back to India, but now there is Singapore offering us a bright future for all of us. I am grateful to Singapore for that.
So in a way, I am glad that the sooner it happened, the better. It gave me time to deal with it and accept it. It also gave my father one of the best opportunities. If not, who knew what would happen at that time?
How long can one live in the fantasy? It’s all about the change. That change is from where life gets its thrill from. It thrives on that.
Change is hard, change is easy, different people react to it differently. Accept change and don’t try to battle with it because, with time, that change be it bad, it will leave it’s lingering shadow some time or the other and be it good, it’s going to stick around and be there in your life. “Expect for the unexpected.”
Home is where the family is, right? So I hope that Singapore could eventually turn into a place where I can call it home. I am eager and looking forward to it, but saying goodbye to this place. It’s hard, but I am moving on with it better than I expected to…
Everything happens for the best. That’s what I am going by and sometimes things do happen truly for the best. I am going in it with the all the “high hopes.” (Any Panic! Fans here?) I could relate to that song because that’s also what my mama tells me.
The last time I am going to be here staying in my home. As I am writing this post, this is my last day in Dubai before I leave back for university. 11th January 2019.
When I come back for my break, it’s Singapore. Hello Singapore, I await you…
Dubai, You have made me happy in all ways you can…