friends – itsroshni2405

One Last Look

Friday 26th October 2018

It was time to leave again. It was a short visit for four days to home to resolve an issue.

Taking a break from uni and going back for that short time was just diffcilut because I was used to my routine and breaking it and leaving felt hard because I knew when I would return back to my routine, I would have a hard time adjusting to it again.

Life surely had it’s ways of working.

After those 4 short days, I was going back to university, a life that I was starting to love and enjoy. But right now, I couldn’t savour it because I was leaving my home, my past, my childhood, my memories, my nostalgia, my essence for good.

I was leaving this part of Dubai, Bur Dubai, My home for 18 years and moving into a new unkown tritory somewhere in Dubai, but not that I can call it home.

As I was getting ready to leave the flat, a few minutes before, I went around my small home and gazed and loooked at every nook and corner in every room. I remembered the 17 years of my life, the life that I spent in this building and neighbourhood.

Bitter sweet ones they were.

I smiled, but it was a sad one.

With my bags ready to go back, I stepped out and as soon as the doors shut, that was it. It was the end of an era.

I looked back, wished and dreamed that it was all a bad nightmare. A nightmare that I could wake up from but it just kept going on. It did not stop to comfort me, instead it just moved ahead.

As we got into the car, my mom held my hand. I looked at my building, the streets, the night lights, the shops, the roads and I kept looking back and I did not want to say goodbye. Not yet, probably not ever.

She couldn’t help but hold my hand tight and say that we will be back here for drives and visiting, but we both knew it would never be the same. I looked around the streets again, I was trying so hard to fit all of it into my brain at one go.

In that moment, I felt that living there my whole life wasn’t enough to capture everything. I needed more of it. I did not want to leave something so comforting and familar, it had it’s flaws and horrible times but it was home.

The home that was there for me throughout my life. It felt too hard to let go.

It felt as if I was slowly letting it all go, forcefully. Someone was taking it away and there was nothing I could do but simply watch as I let it slip through my hands.

It was hard to follow and understand what Robin said, but when I think about it.

It’s true. Sometimes things had to change and I should be greatful that I wasn’t leaving Dubai. I was moving into a new place with new beginnings. That is something to look forward to. More memories.

It was just that small part of my heart I had to say goodbye too. It hurts and breaks every single time, but in time it would be healed and fixed. It would still hurt to think about it but maybe, a bit less than before.

I thank you and love you so much home, for what you have done and taught me. I will always love and remember you.

You will always be a part of my eternity.

Going back to Airports have always been the worst part of going to Uni. I would like to put this in simple words as possible, IT SIMPLY JUST SUCKS. There is no easy way ever to make this process a less painful one.

I can never get used to it. I would like to say that someday I would hope to change that, but as i keep growing up and with time moving on so fast, it seems to get tougher every time.

Whilst on the way, I looked at the streets, the lights shined bright but not the type of bright that would make you happy and heart content. It was the type of light that made you remember all the special moments in your life. It was the type of light that remindes you why you fell in love with it the first place. It was the type of light that would make you not want to go back. It captures you and makes you want to see it every single day, for the rest of your life. It traps you in a trance. It’s magic that you never want to let go of.

As I was nearing the destination, I gave the old memory box a quick look and winded it. I replayed each one of those memories. It was nice but felt sad, every single time.

I would not go into the details of the airport check in process because I dislike it immensely but I would give you an insight on how it all went down when I had to say goodbye.

Every time I took a step to leave for the check in, I would go back to return for that one last hug. I did not cry but as soon as I gave that final goodbye, I walked and then came the tears. I did not let them see me cry because I woudln’t want them to cry too. I wanted them to see me happy and content. That’s the least I could give them for being the good parents they are, and I left to return back to my life here, at Nottingham.

So that was it

Those four days marked the end of an era

And on the last day, I had my one last look

Happy, Aesthetic and being Productive

I love to get into this zone pretty quick.

Lately I have been addicted to watching Youtubers again and watching them work and thier week in thier lives videos gets me inspired, productive and happy to do my own tasks.

It gets me into a better mood and I am instantly drawn to work hard and be productive. What is it about Youtubers and thier videos that makes you want to do that?

Also listenting to happy music, mostly old disney throwbacks and also songs from Musicals or songs that sound like the ones from Musicals.

It’s easy to get into that mood but also equally very quick to fall out of it. This mood itself is a vibe and a state of mind. Pure happiness arises from this for me.

So I have decided to call this mood, ” The Hap”

I get into The Hap by following some of these steps. Often I like to mix and match out of the lot. Sometimes, just doing one out of the bunch gets me going fine.

1. I get into this zone by first watching some good Youtube videos from my favourite channels.

Different days, different emotions, different channels serve different purposes.

Currently I am loving everything that Danielle Marie Carolan has been uploading. Her videos give me a sense of productvitiy, happiness and well aestehtcis which gets me hyped, interested, motivated and energized to do my work. On the top of my head, the youtubers who inspire me are Ruby Granger, Studywithjess and Kalyn Nicholson.

This also includes podcasts, they sort of set me into the mood that I wish to go into. Gals on the go is one of them also a podcast series by Kalyn Nicholson on I-tunes that I have started listenting to.

2. My hype songs are an instant mood blaster.

This usually comprises of old school music from my past. The nostalagisa energy songs and also the songs that give out those good vibes. It can take you into a totally differennt path or give you the enerhgy you need. It again depends on what mood you are in and what mood you want to see yourself in.

For starters here are some of the many songs that get me going.

Avicii: The Nights, Wake Me up
Frank Sinatra: New York theme, Fly me to the moon
Echsomith: Bright
Michael Buble: Haven’t met you yet
Old Cartoon, Disney and Nicklodeon Songs such as those from High School Musical, Hannah Montana and more
Ellie Goudling: Burn
Taylor Swift: We are never getting back together, Shake it off
Brigit Mendler: Ready or not
One Republic: Coutning Stars
The Wanted: Glad you came, Chasing the sun
Any song by One Direction
Panic at the disco: Hallelujah, I write sins not tragedies, Emperor’s new clothes, Miss Jackson
21 pilots: Stressed out
Fall out boy feat Demi Lavto: Irrestible
Jonas Brothers: Burning up
Olly Murs: Trouble maker
Owl city: Shooting star, good time
Carly Rae Jepsen: I really like you
Enrique Iglesias: Bailando the english version
Alvaro Soler: Sofia, El Mismo Sol, Libre
Monika Lewczuk: Ty I Ja ( In this song, it’s more of the video and it’s aestehtics.)

3. After the long productive hours of work, a break is always well desreved. So I sit and watch some of Youtube or a good comedy show on Netflix or I just watch cartoons because they just make me happy and ends up helping me loose up all the stress knots.

4. A small work out. It really does help, even if it’s walking for 20 minutes or a seven minute excercise. It helps your body just energize and fresh. That’s how it helps me. It motivates me to do more and I feel that I can conquer the world.

5. The weather also plays a role.

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Over here in Nottingham, it’s quite unpredictable but I can figure out most of the time. My essentials are a jacket, umbrella and gloves. You have no idea when it might get cold. So I usually prefer the days where it’s sunny and cold with a sligh grace of rain which infact did happen and resulted in a very beautiful rainbow that did cheer me soul mate.

Back in Dubai, I just used to walk out on the streets at the peak of sunset. It sure was a beautiful tranisiton from dusk to dawn. The beaches are also the perfect solution.

6. Walks usually also do the trick as well.

Maybe after a well desreved study session or before a study session, do hitch the roads. With some good music, you are good to go and it helps a lot. This mostly are the ways I would like to end my day with, but morning walks do also bring an instant glow up to the whole day.

I love walking during these two times of the day, one is the early morning, before the sun rise and the later is the one after the whole world falls asleep and I am there with my music all alone and the world being my stage, I am free to do whatever I wish and want. Peace, solace and comfort is what arises out of them and I couldn’t be more at home.

Driving at the nights is also one of the best remedies to ever exisit in this world. The feeling that you get out of it, it’s pure magic.

It’s just you, the music and the whole wide world.

7. Right now, the holidays seem to be coming.

November and then BAM December.

Tis the season to be jolly.

So the christmas music is what also gets me going!! Last Christmas by Wham has always been my jam when it comes to the holiday seasons. My productivity level also seems to increase during this time of the year.

Seeing the streets light up and the mornings bright up sure does whisk a sort of magic in the air and in me.

Why wait for 2019 to start of on your visions and ideals? Any time is the best to get into what you wish, want to be and want to do. It’s your hard work and dedication going in anyway, no matter what day, year and time it is.

So why not start now than later?

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

Thoughts in the sky

In the admits of the clouds flying and soaring high amongst different shades of colours. I see all possibilities of a happy time but none can comfort me at this moment.

Right now I am in a moment of nervousness and sadness. Even if it was coming to Dubai for 4 days for an urgent matter, it felt out of place.

I should be happy going back to home for at least a small time shouldn’t I, but then why am I not?

The night before the journey

I was afraid to sleep, so I drank a cup of coffee and I usually never drink coffee because I have always found a bitterness to it but now that was what I needed to stay awake throughout the night.

I spent the night watching 3 of my favorite movies and eating snacks.

I took a puff to calm myself down, and it helped for a bit but then I fell back to the same old system again

It took me some time to adjust myself to the routine I made for myself. I was interested to go for my classes this year because I got to choose the modules I wished and wanted.

I was interested because I got into a good volunteering program and it upsets me to know that I won’t be there for the first meeting of the project.

I did not want to leave the life and my friends just for four days that would disrupt my whole life pattern.

I was trying to be happy, going back to my mom, that’s one bonus I am acquiring and her home made food, but I still am not calm about it. I also had the chance to meet two of my best friends after a long time and I got to admit, this was the best highlight.

And I know once I reach, I will find it hard to come back to Uni because that’s just me.

Once I land Dubai, I know it’s going to take everything in me not to fall apart and wish to stay there for as long as possible. I would wish and pray for those 4 days not to end and on the day of departure, I would be a wreck and I need to start adjusting myself again.

This is the process that I hate and absolutely despise.

But I find myself ready to come back to Uni, I am preparing myself.

Not to cry, not to fall apart. That’s the power of home, once you even take a step into it, you are gravitated right into the center and it would take all your wits and mights to break free from the force.

The moment the plane landed in Dubai

I knew the timer started to set for my return to UK and that’s the hardest part but now I am calm with it

Listening to some good songs helped me out and whilst I am here I am going to try and not focus on that

Uni ain’t that bad and I am finding it really lit and happy this year, and I can finally call it home because of the place and the people who made it special but, there will always be that but.

The day to leave

A few hours left to go.

I am feeling alright, not great but exisiting and being alright.

I am excited to get back to the routine that I have made for myself. I am eager to study, be with my friends, make notes, be in my room and have my alone time.

At the moment, an overwhelming surge of sadness and heart break has taken over me. Leaving my mom and Dubai never became easier.

But this is all for the best.

What we go through now, it’s all helping us prepare for a greater change and life. All these emotions, feelings and changes are my lessons. I am trying real hard to be the type of student who learns from it and use it at some point in life. Or just learn and deal with it for the fun of doing it.

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

Changes

This phrase, everything happens for the best and Change is good. I do not know what to make of it.

What is the protocol here? What is expected of me?

Changes simply kept happening everywhere and I slowly felt myself loosing my grasp on the world I lived in.

Incident that took place at August 2018

There was this small yogurt place down in box park, Jumeirah. The last time I had been there was with my family and grandparents. It was a beautiful time indeed.

I wished to go back there again because of box park and that small place amidst the fancy shops, big ship containers designs beautifully and when the night sets in, beautiful lights surround and create the most magical and beautiful vibe.

My cousins had come to Dubai and we took them around La Mer and box park. It was Dubai’s highlight. Everything about this place had a certain aura and magic to it. Growing up around these streets and witnessing the changes around was one of a kind experience.

So coming back to the yogurt place, to mark the end of my day with my cousins, I wished to go there and have a frozen yogurt, It was always a tradition, whenever we would go there, we would always have that frozen yogurt. Big enough for a family because we weren’t that much of a sweet tooth when it came to things like these but for other desserts, yes.

So, in the hopes and excitement of getting a yogurt, I was filled with emotions and when we reached there, we were unable to find it. I still did not lose hope but it all came crashing down when the security guard over there told us that that place closed down months ago.

At that very moment, my heart dropped into the deepest pit of my body, then it broke into small pieces and was scattered all over into the depths of that pit. It felt as if going into a black void and with no way out to see the surface ever again.

That change, why was that change for the best or for the good? That change was bad. Businesses shutting down, people losing jobs, this country was becoming so costly to live in. The old Dubai essence whizzed away. This was not the Dubai I once grew up in. Certain parts of it still remain the same, but still. Why did that change happen? What good was it?

My home, changed so much and I love it to the best. Leaving it is always was the hard part. When I had to leave my home for uni, that change. It was nice at first but then it took for a worse turn when I got homesick and cried every day. How was that change good or for the best? Probably it was for the best because I was getting a good education and making my life ready.

But what good were the changes at my home? They weren’t great, no one was happy.

“People are always telling you that change is a good thing. But all they’re really saying is that something you didn’t want to happen at all… has happened.”

-A quote from the movie you’ve got mail.

A quote so true.

Right now

Change is the only thing that seems to be one of the constants in my life right now. Starting with family, the most fundamental root, I wish I could say everything is for the best and continue to keep the positive facade, but some times it’s not and it worries me sick about the present and the future.

I worry about changes a lot. I look forward to the good changes in life, don’t we all?

I still can’t place my feelings on how I feel about change. For the worst or for the best? Is change life’s way of spicing up our’s and it’s lives. Is change a living entitiy that is in all our lives and can only thrive like this in every movement of time?

I also find myself changing a bit, it might be a silly or an insigficant change, but it does matter to me. When it comes to us, every single detail matters. It’s like a spider web, you mess with one string, the whole foundation just falls apart.

I had this habit, whenever I missed my mother, I used to play old malaylam songs because it reminded me of her and when she used to sign and hum to the tunes. It was embedded in me since I was a child. And intially when I came to uni, crying my heart out to it was what I did. I always knew what I was getting myself into when the songs came, long hours of crying and pain.

But now, as I play these songs, I do feel myself drown in the sorrow and pain of my mom not being there with me. The pain of being miles apart resurfaces but I once have not cried to it ever since I got back from my vacations. All of you might find this as a small change, but like I said, even the tiniest of change is a huge deal

I also find people changing, for some profounding reason for the good but then there are the basket cases where I have lost hope in.

So far, it has all been good. I am meeting new and amazing people.

As time gets ticking, my future keeps changing as well, every day has it’s own changes. I am anxious but also excited to see what the future has in store for me.

I am happy with some of the changes so far, exciting changes and moments have been happening for one of my best friend and I couldn’t be more happier and proud of her because she has worked so hard and she desreves it. I am happy with some of the changes that have also been happening to me. Through bad times I have learnt in some good lessons and changes.

And just a few minutes back, I have been blessed with the most amazing news for my family. I am not saying anything out loud because I do not want to jinx or anyone to jinx it because there are some people in the world who really would go to all lengths on destroying one’s family and peace of mind.

It’s time to end, and here is how I think I am doing

So, I am getting around just fine despite the storm…

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

The Goodbye.

Thursday 27th September, 5:53 PM

It has been quite a while since I have written and now couldn’t be a more better time to write what I feel and am going through. The only way I could express myself when I can’t express with others are through words and sentences. Words understand you and they are there to help and heal you through this. I hope I could get alright.

So the reason as to why I couldn’t write in these few days was because of shifting and well university. My parents had come along with me back to Nottingham to help shift and arrange my room and well just be there for me.

Those 9 days that were there, those 9 days I spent with them, in a matter of 9 seconds, it flew by right away and here we are, in the toughest spot, The Goodbye.

Since the moment the dawn made it’s entrance today, I became glum, sad, nervous and sad again. I cried. I wept, I hugged my mother and did not want her to leave, then we cried. They haven’t left yet, they will leave as a new dawn arises tomorrow, at 1 AM.

Why are goodbyes the hardest? How come it never gets any easier? Every single time, as I went through, it never became easier. It became harder instead. As months and time passed by, I knew one thing for sure. Things would never remian the same and one day, I would be living without them in this world, and that thought ruined and broke me.

I asked my friend the same question and he couldn’t get it more right. In his words,” It’s the bond. The connection. Deeper the bond, harder the goodbyes”

As I write now, tears fill my eyes and vision. Small drops roll down my face and I can’t help but break down both internally and externally.

As the ticking hand of the clock moves, a crack starts to form in my heart, mind and soul. Each agonizing minute passes, the hole gets bigger and deeper.

I have this feeling in my heart, a burning feeling. Not the ones that make you feel good but the one that aches and really burns you. That feeling comprises of nervouseness, anxiousness, scaredness, sadness and well burning sensation. I often get it, sometimes in the middle of no where for no reason and some times getting that feeling in situations is valid.

Right now, I have that feeling and it’s getting too much for me to handle. I can’t breathe. I don’t know.

It’s 11:02 pm and barely a few hours for them to leave.

Starting to feel like a count down to the water works.

Right now, as I see my mom and dad rest their tired selves on my bed, I can’t help but my heart breaks with sadness as it dawns upon the reliaziation that they are leaving and I can’t physically be with them until my break. They have done so much for me when they came here, and it makes me sad. Seeing them tired is heart breaking.

I have heard all the talks, they will be in your heart, you can talk to them any time of the day but it’s different. I want to be with them in the same place, same area, at my home.

I try to distract myself by watching my favourite shows, by listening to my favourite songs. It works but only for that time being, when it ends, what am I supposed to do?

I am the kind of person that genuinely wants to be left alone when I am upset, sad and angry and also when I want to be alone. I deeply appreciate it when my friends try to distract me by taking me out, having fun and keeping my mind off things but the more they do it, the more difficult it becomes for me to deal with it. At times it really helps and I am glad it did but in the rest of the many times, it hasn’t. I would like to try but forcing is just going to make it worse. I have my own way of deailing with it and it won’t or it doesn’t seem like the best way but it works. I need that time alone to be sad, angry and upset. It helps me.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with what life presents, I am not saying that what I do is the best way, but it helps, but at times it hurts other people seeing me like this and it hurts them because they don’t know how they can help me out. So what am I supposed to do? I would want to be left alone, but also when there is company, I do sometimes forget the troubles life offers. I guess it’s all with the flow.

At 1:00 AM

It was time for them to leave, half an hour left. I did not have any tears to spare, so I bid farewell and a goodbye to my mom and dad with a small forced smile on my face. As they boarded the cab, I expected myself to cry but to my surprise I didn’t. When I returned back to my room, I felt an instant nostalgaia hit with waves of sadness becuse a few moments before, I was here with my mom and dad. So this goodbye was a good one and a better one. It was a better goodbye probably because I cried it all out earlier, maybe that’s the technique I am going to adopt now.

At 2:34 AM

I am in the comfort of my bed and room. I guess I am calm and not as upset as I hoped to be. Is that a good thing or will it hit me later? I made myself a cup of tea, it was my first tea and it was a success!! I couldn’t be more happier and proud of myself. The tea calmed me down along whilst I watched Victorious on Netflix. I also had a nice chit chat with one of my room mates. It was nice.

I also talked to my parents and well we didn’t seem much upset. It was good. For once, it felt nice not to cry.

And now as the final conclusion, I think I might watch a movie or I might finally sit and complete this post, but I wouldn’t want to force myself to complete this because forced things often never result with the most authentic and close heart felt piece.

It was a good end to a pretty sad day. Ends like these are good and I do hope to seek more.

The Goodbye part 2, To be continued…

Figuring out the stages.

I have met quite a fair share of people in my life and there are many more of them to discover and unravel.

Everything, everyone and I make me think. Do I know people? Have I figured it out?

Down below are stages that I have written about the factors present in my life. An advice to myself and to the world.

Let’s introduce the characters on the stage as we go. We are going with the flow folks.

Let’s start with family and the whole lot that comes with it.

( PS: Notice how I am using a perfect family picture, it’s because I couldn’t find families that want to rip your heads off. Even the internet is being my enemy by showing me perfect families. )

Family, you got it, You got to accept them for who they are. Nothing you can do about it, atleast in your friendships, you can choose who you wanna be with friends with but with family, you can’t choose that.

I love my family, don’t get me wrong. However there are certain attributes that I wish I could change about them.

This perfect family in American Sitcoms is what that’s ruining me and altering my perception. Always wanted that kind of family and still hoping to.

I have learnt a lot from parents and infact from them, I have learnt the do’s and dont’s of parenting. They inspire to be better parents and to have a good family. ( The reasons are for the best and for the absoulte worst. )

Then comes certain cousins and relatives. Why are they like that? Why can’t they be proud of your achievemnts and not wanna bring you down? Why do they wanna sabatoge everything in life? Why have they been made like that? I have relatives who simply cannot be happy for anyone and they just have to ruin everything. Why do some of them have to be the absolute worst crackheads?

Lesson learnt: Family is complicated and complex. Sometimes it can get a heck load of dysfunctional and sometimes you are going to be a crack head. That’s what family does to you. But I still love them. Sometimes you can also hate your family. It differs from people to people.

Also family doesn’t have to be defined by blood relationships. Anyone can be family. I haven’t found that type of family yet but someday, I hope to find that.

Moving on with friends.

It’s a lesson I am trying to learn, not every friendship lasts that long, there are going to be changes and if you are wlling to work through it, it’s great, but sometimes if it just vanishes and you guy’s arent as closed as you used to be, its alright. It’s okay. It will take time and you might wonder what you did wrong or what happened?

But that’s life. People change, friendships change.

On a more happier note, I know you are going to find more friends, more ever lasting long friendships. Don’t worry about it. There is a certain time for a certain friendship and be glad that it happened. Don’t let that put you down. Those great memories will always be there and there is nothing that can take you away from that.

And if you are still friends with your friends from school and uni, that’s great and I am glad that it has happened for you and for me!!

I have learnt that as you grow up, you become selecctive of your friends and that is true. It’s not that anything is wrong with you, sometime’s its just that and there is nothing you can do. You can be more open to finding new friendships but if it doesnt make you happy or you think that it affects you in any sort of bad manner, then you know it’s not worth it.

Lesson learnt: There are some friendships meant to be and not meant to be.

The thing down below is for some of the people I know….

I know that we all are way far ahead from the word “perfect”, but why are there humans that simply want to see you upset and in sadness. What joys do you get in ruining people’s lives? I am sorry to say you are one of the worst people to ever exist. There is still time to change so why can’t you?

Coming to me

I love to do quizzes online and I am absolutely keen on them, but there is one thing about them that puts me on an edge. It’s the question of what quality do you think you have or lead with or what quality your friend thinks is the best/dominant in you.

Questions like these make me pause and rethink everything about myself. Every quality that I think I have, had or is nonexistent burst open in me.

I have this version of myself in my mind that I think I am, some very few selective people get it to see it and to others lie another side of me that is real but also not completely authentic and real, or so I think?

What if that non authentic and less real was the real me but that doesn’t bring me a 100% happiness and joy to myself, so that option is cut out.

I have this whole version of me in my head. I know I am the person who knows how to have fun only in the comfort of people that I really love and can be myself with. For a matter of fact, I know when I shut off that’s in the presence of people I aint that comforable with, I talk less, I shut myself off because well I dont feel the it factor.

I can be quite the introvert and the extrovert. More of an introvert and also an ambivert. I like that. It might change as times passes by, but for now I am alright with it. But the bigger question still remains, what qualities/traits do I possess, the qualities/traits that are in the human code of conduct? How do I define myself?

Many of the times, defining myself in a set of words/sentences proves to be impossible and a mind numbing task. I am in loss of words for certain adjective traits. I do know some of them but what if other people think that to be false? Should I care? At most times, I tend not to, but I also do.

But I do know that exists certain traits about me, even if the world disagrees, I know that it not to be true because I believe so in myself.

Lesson trying to be learnt: So as of now, I am close to figuring it out, but then new stuff keeps coming along the way. It’s okay if you havent figured it out or you can’t define yourself in a set of stringed words. I guess you just keep discovering more and more about yourself as time passes by. You learn a lot, you change a lot, there are a lot of lot’s basically.

You are and might differ from time to time. You are going to go through a lot of things.

Just remember, someday. It will all end soon, so try to do the best you can and try to live the best you can because you live only once.

( PS: I do believe in reincarnation, but that’s an other whole complicated topic of discussion, you just live life now.)

The world

There are millions of people out there in this world. They are different.

Some might shock you, some might intrigue you, some might scare you. You are going to get a lot of emotions and feel a lot of things from this world and people in it. Some people probably are the way they want to be and it might hurt you or bring you joy.

That adventure is out for you to discover. I haven’t been on that adventure quite fully yet, but I am hoping to be or have I already been on it.

I think we all are unique and different in certain and many ways.

This is intriguing now….

Lesson learnt: The world is a teacher and you are a student of it. The roles can also be switched if you want them to be. The world works in the most mysterious and intriguing ways as possible.

The finale

So why have people been made the way they are? Why have I been made this way?

Circumstances, family, life, friendships, the stories/movies/music that they listen to and have become obessed with, passions, the past, the present, the future, the people in it, the society, The World.

I have been watching a lot of movies, scrolling through my phone, reading a lot of books, spending time with family and friends, talking to people, listening to music, observing the world and it’s stories.

Each of the above task has a quest and a story in itself. I am trying to learn and understand more about the people in this world and why. I love talking to people, not the regular talks, the talks that intrigue the world and me, theories and more. I like listenting to stories of people and what they have to say.

I am eager to live life and move through the stories and stages that life has in store for me.

Lesson learnt: The possibilites are endless or so. You are going to go through a lot, learn a lot and feel a lot more. There are still many more lessons to be learnt.

I think and feel way too much. (Part 2)

This is a sequel to the first installation of the series.

Why you may all wonder ( or if you don’t wonder, it completely fine as well ) These kinds of emotions are life long and it can’t be only contained in one post. So this is gonna be a small series.

How I came to be like this?

This overly humane emotional side of me came after the start of my uni journey. I am telling you, this journey of mine in uni has taught me a lot about people, life and myself. It’s a total game changer. (That story is for another time.)

As I was saying, I was always emotional and cried to movies especially too Disney where the movies were about animals. Like The Fox and the Hound, Dumbo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Lilo and Stitch, Coco, Up, Wall-E, Lion King, Wreck it Ralph, Inside Out, Two Brothers and so much more

( OH GOD, even writing about this makes me cry and so upset)

Some of the movies do have their happy endings but you know there are those moments that you cant contain yourself and you need to spill out the waterworks despite all the people there with you and I have never been afraid to cry out loud in theatres. I am always the sobbing mess. Gosh, for avengers infinity war part 1, the ending. When I watched it, I was basically dead in the mind and no words were able to be formed. My mind was destroyed and blank because of the terror I had gone through.

English movies have a separate form of a genre in me, just for crying. Now comes Malayalam movies, the worst tool of all to make me cry just in a matter of seconds. This recently made its entry into the genre list. The reason why Uni again.

So after uni began and well me being apart from my family, oceans and seas away, it really got to me. So Malayalam songs and movies were the antidote to help me cope up with the fact that I was away from home and also brought me closer to home because many of these songs, my mom had sung to me when I was a child and the movies were the bonding moments for me and my family.

Old malu movies, songs and one song from the movie and the movie itself ” How old are you” were the ones that got to me the most because they reminded me so much of my mom and the fact that she wasn’t beside me just got to me. The plot of that movie and the actress reminds me so much of my mother, that I break. I cry and cry and then I call my mom and she calms me down. Then I feel better.

Usually, this process takes place in midnight when I cant go to sleep or when I miss my mom too much, or simply, I decide to torture myself by doing this process and I know it’s going to make me upset but I still go for it.

Sometimes I just set the trap for myself and I know how deep I am going to get in, but that doesn’t stop me from doing so.

Maybe you need it sometimes in your life.

( PS: As you can see, I am really attached to my mom, it’s because we have gone through a lot and she has done so much for me, I just can’t imagine a life without her in it. She has sacrificed a lot for me and sometimes, I wonder why so and what I have done to deserve it.

People often make fun of the amount of “maluness” I have but I am so proud of it and I would never change it.

Life and it’s troubles just stick with you, promises to leave but does take a lot of time to act upon it. That could also be a reason as to why I think and feel too much. Then watching the news and troubles of the world also makes me upset, and then of my friends and family. Overall it’s tedious process but somewhere deep in my heart, I think everything happens for a reason, but why does bad things have to happen to good people. For what reason is that?

People change, the world changes. I think why, there have been people I know for so long and been so close with, when they change, I wonder why.

We grew far apart, I have tried my best, what could I do more? These kind of things make me upset and think too much. What more could I have done? Well faults could have been made by me, but I am ready to fix it.

But then I think if they aren’t willing to fix it or bring it back to normal, then they aren’t interested. Probably I should stop trying to fix things that were broken or meant to be. It’s how the world works. It takes both the parties to make it work, Can’t do all the job by myself. Probably for the best. I console myself by telling this and I try to accept it. Someday I might, but I am doing a better job of it tho.

Sometimes, tho I think it’s for the good, just searching for the reasons how and why.

So goodbye for now. This is never the end.

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Incident that took place at August 2018

Right now

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