I can do fine or maybe good by myself, but not great

As I was getting ready to sleep, this thought popped up into my mind and got me thinking the above. 

I simply cannot understand how only the nights are set out to get these thoughts from me. How is it that the nights are only capable to question the deepest thoughts man mind is afraid to be alone with? How is that in the nights, I have to confront them?  So rather than going to sleep and forgetting about them the next morning, I decided to sit down and write every thought that came to me.

This is what came to me.

I can do fine or maybe good by myself but not great.

You know what makes it great. It is the family, the friends and the world I live in that make it great.

You give me a laptop and good wi-fi connection, I will be alright by myself. You give an apartment, a job with money, I can go out and travel and live by myself without the need for human conatct to bring me joy. I can spend days just being with it but in order for my life to be great, I need my family and my friends.

The world is a companion that I need when I am alone. I need the world so that I can step out and go for many walks. I need the world so that there is something I can go and discover. 

I need them all so that I can still try and live my great life. I need it all to give me the drive I want and still have.

I am an introvert. I like very specific people and can only express who I authentically am just with them. They bring out the me. With different people, I am a different and authentic self. Some of my friends may not see the side I am with the other people I spend my time with.

That is the thing with me. I guess it can be the thing with everyone. I never show the whole 100 percent. I guess I want to hide that part or maybe I just haven’t been comfortable to show it to you. Keeping that part of myself, just to myself makes me happy. A secret only I know.

I can still live good being by myself in this world but still I need my family and best friends to keep the 50 percent human in me. 

I know this sounds selfish, it is all about me, but when you come to think of it, why do we form friendships, why do we love? It is all for ourselves, to make us happy. These people give us happiness and love and that is why we want them in our lives. I like them because I like spending my time with them. Watching them happy makes me happy.

I guess we all are selfish but it is the good kind of selfish. The kind of selfish where we deserve happiness and love for ourselves and the world.

I need them to balance my life.

I need them because I want to shower them with love and I also want to be showered with love.

I need them so that I am aware of life and what is real. 

I need them to know what is right and what is wrong. I need them to keep my moral compass alive and good.

I need them so that I can learn all sorts of things.

I need them for many of the memories I want to make. I need them because I still want to live this life of love and happiness I lead.

I need them because they are there for me and I for them. 

I need these bonds so that I am not alone in this journey of life. 

I need them for me. 

I need them to exist. 

Shatters and Breaks

I had written this down when I had to say goodbye to my best friend Raveena after my holidays ended. This happened around 2017. This was the last time we met each other before I left for UK and it hurts every single time when I leave her because she is such a special person in my life that I never want to let go…

She tried to not let it get to her, she tried to not let it tear her apart

One more cut on that fine piece of heart, and she would be done…

The other one reassured it would all be fine but deep down, she knew the course of time and events would always be different.

There would always be that pain lingering around in the air smirking on us and feeding on us wherever we would wind up. That pain was one of the common links between us…

It was never the end but just a semi colon in the journey that now took a turn to a different road, a road that was going to lead her into a different abyss 

She couldn’t help but not let her go, but she had to

She couldn’t help but watch her leave and wish for a few more minutes with her 

She was one of those treasures she always needed to have by her side.

She tuned it all out and did what she thought she was best at, she made a choice to throw herself into the world of words, a world she had a hold on and understood. It was deep, so deep but she knew what it meant or so she thought 

As she saw her through slip away from her through those doors, she couldn’t help but think, “ Why?” 

She turned back to her desperate addiction, her words and then flowed out every raw thing she felt and here is how it went… 

“ In that one last time, it was just us amongst the billions who stood 

It was just us and what we felt 

I try to capture every bit of her in my mind before she leaves our small world

Words were spoken and it hurt thinking this would be the last of it all

As I said the last word, I heard her voice amongst the crowd reassuring me

But I could hear the voice break 

In that break held the pain and the sadness we felt

I was a glass and so was she 

Then there was the hammer 

That flung upon us and shattered us into millions of tiny pieces

Scattered everywhere in ourselves

It was all there in me, but I never knew how to fix it all back 

Right now, I stand here staring at the people in front of me and I do not know what to think or do, So I slip off into the cracks of the world I have built for myself.

A protective shield engulfs me, and once in that field, one could see the specks of every feeling I had floating around. It all hurt 

But I am glad I held on to you and never let go 

You would always be my forever in a world of momentary…

It hurts to be human, doesn’t it?