I am upset

July 30th, 2018 Monday, 9:55pm 

I am upset.

Yesterday, July 29th was the happiest day of my entire existence. I met my all time favorite actor and person who I deeply love and admire, Dulquer Salmaan, it was one of the most indescribable feelings ever, but that’s for another post. (That’s going to be a pretty huge one.)

Woke up at 6:30 in the morning, because well I slept early and daydreamed and woke up hungry because I didn’t eat anything after I met him or before I met him. So I was only surviving on half a meal on the day I met him. There lies the reason that woke me up, Hunger.

The day started with eating leftover KFC, checking out how many likes and comments I got, replied to each and every one of them.

A few hours into the day, I see a text in my social group that bothered and managed to break me from my most magical trance and awe of still meeting him. Initially, I thought my friends didn’t get and understand how huge of a deal it is to me, but then I came to an understanding that, there are problems that are big and your friends need you to be there. Reality came back to kick me again. All I wanted was for a day to be still stuck in that trance but that got cut short, but yet that trance and that feeling would always stay with me.

I know they understood it, just the moment and timing of all this was wrong. But somewhere deep in my heart, the feeling couldn’t be shaken off.

Sometimes, even the most magical, special and wondrous moments of your life can just break in a matter of seconds and you need to be okay with it. You deserve to feel upset and angry but remember,

Sometimes, it’s not all about you and your big moment, because there are problems happening with family, good friends and the world, and you need to be there and care for them despite how much you crave it all. You need to be the bigger person in that big mind of yours filled with many other opinions and voices saying you not to do and care for yourself. Don’t do it for others, do it for yourself. They have done it for you, now it’s your time.

Sometimes, you can’t use that as an excuse or go back into that protective cocoon of that moment. You need to face it and realize that moment will always stay with you but life will move on and if you choose to get stuck in that moment for too long, you might not catch up with life and might miss out on something important.

Sometimes you need all the help you can and sometimes despite all the help or no help, you need to face your stories and experiences alone.

Sometimes, the fundamental laws of baisc human nature and the laws you have made needs to be broken.

Sometimes.

I knew it wasn’t gonna last, but it was good and extremely beautiful while it lasted.

Then my day moved forward. I listened to my friend’s problems, I understood the pain and hardships my friend was facing and I understood why everything I experienced today had to happen. It was a lesson and a reminder in many ways.

The world is not as it seems, its a trick and a puzzle left for you to solve, you have to figure it all out, you can have help, but it’s you that needs to play the game of life.

Later, I caught up with my friend, talking to her felt great and well she has taught me a lot. Talking to her was the highlight of my day. That was a happy moment in my day. It’s been so long since talking to her, so when I talked to her, it felt fucking great. She understood how much the whole experience of meeting Dulquer meant to me and she could relate it as well because for her love for Beyonce. So, talking to her, I was able to once again bathe in the trance and the awestriking wonder for some time.

Later, much later into the day, I talked to my other friend who had the problem and learned a few things from her.

As night approached, that was when I officially claimed the title of being upset and sad. I can’t seem to catch a break, huh.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to go for a premiere for the movie, Cristopher Robin, and I was eagerly hoping for my dad to take me to the movie, but well at the last moment, life happened, job obligations, plans change.

I understand how difficult it is for him and the struggles he has to go through. Every single day, that fear does not leave me. Seeing him tensed, anxious and stressed every day is how my day always goes. When I am far away from them, it faded away but still keeps playing like a song that is stuck forever on loop. On top of that, other problems by him.

I know it’s selfish for me to still want my father to take me to the movie, but him dropping me there gives me a boost of confidence and well I did not want to be alone and lonely. I wanted him to be there and hug me. I just wanted him there.

My mom offered to accompany me a numerous amount of times, and trust me I wanted to say YES, but I didn’t want her to be all alone after I left, she is an innocent woman and well not familiar with the metro and everything. So whilst I was in the movie, I couldn’t bear the thought of my mom all alone sitting out in a corner in the big mall, So I said no but she still kept asking me and my answer still remained a firm no.

So I have learned that sometimes there are times and moments in life where you need to do things alone, despite the help you are going to get. If I would have said Yes to her request, what would I do the next time? I can’t always expect one of them especially my mom to be around.

So, I am learning. It’s really hard and trusts me, I want to give up, but I need to do this for myself.

And let alone this, my mother confides in me and shares some pretty upsetting news. Mahn, I really couldn’t seem to catch a break.

I am trying to get rid of this sadness, so I have decided to watch a movie, but couldn’t focus my mind on anything until I got it all out.

I didn’t want to upset my mom by telling all this, despite the number of times she has asked me why I was upset. Mothers, they know everything. Just watching my facial expressions, she understood that I was upset, but after a firm number of no’s, I think she finally understood to let it go. Or I might cry it all out in the night whilst hugging my mom and her comforting me.

I did say, I am trying to be strong, not greatly trying or succeeding, but still trying and learning.

I want to end this by quoting some lines of Riley Matthews from Girl Meets World from an episode Girl Meets Gravity. I don’t know if this contradicts the entire life lesson that I have just put for myself, but I felt it needed to be put in to remind myself and the world out there this one thing.

Riley Matthews: “The sun doesn’t go around the Earth. We are the ones moving. We orbit the sun because we need it. We need its light and its heat. And if it wasn’t there, we’d be dark and alone. We think that we are the center of the universe, but the truth is… we need to circle the ones we love for as long as they’re here. We need to hold them close because no matter how far we travel, they are the ones who hold us in place. It’s gravity, and without it, we’d just all float away from each other. We are not kings at all. We are just tiny little specs. That’s from “Our Town”, my father’s favorite play. Just for a moment, we’re all together. Let’s really look at one another.”

So, I guess what I am trying to say is we need to be there selves for each other and for ourselves. There are sometimes where we need to prioritize ourselves and there are sometimes where we need to prioritize our family, our friends, and the world. We should know when to do it. You can choose the way, there is always a choice and the consequences and the actions depend on that choice. It’s not a perfect world filled with perfect people.  The only thing you can choose is how you deal with it.

That wasn’t so hard after all, I guess I just needed to write everything down from scratch, read it and gain some perspective. On the contrary, it was kind of hard going through this whole process, sorting and understanding, but well it’s worth it and I got a life lesson out of it.

 

So, this comes to an end. I kind of feel better from my previous state, but still, can’t shake that big cloud of sadness pouring down on me. I really should get to my movie before it’s too late to start watching and then unwind down by some sleep and probably some really nice dreams cause I am in dire need of it.

I am upset -> I am becoming alright

 

The End

( I am not putting a full stop yet because my story and life don’t end here. Life has a lot to teach and offer. So I am looking forward to it and also not. It’s a long open-ended journey that I am scared and nervous about but can’t wait to explore, uncover and discover. It’s going to be a journey filled with different stories, emotions and feelings.)

Ships, a necessity​.

Ships, my absolute favorite thing in the world. Seeing the couple that I ship makes me so happy and excited!! It’s a different feeling altogether. I have always been a fan of shipping people that I see on shows and movies and even people in reality.

I also ship characters from different multiverses because sometimes, these characters just simply belong together. There is no explanation whatsoever. They just look good or they are similar to each other or it’s the vibes. I don’t know. It feels right.

Many of the ships I have usually never come true because well either the character doesn’t like them, or they die way too soon, or they are just in different shows and movies altogether. But they do come true through dedicated people who put efforts into making these ships happen in their videos.

I also ship characters from books but not as much as shows and movies, because shows and movies are like visual and with the actors acting, it makes it more real and with books, I always tend to focus on the characters and the plot soley. So even if there is romance, I do love it but well it’s different.

Why I suddenly decided to write this was because one of my favorite pass times is to watch videos of people wh I ship online and gosh it gives me hope and immense joy in the world. ( ps: I got inspired to write this after watching stiles and Maya)

The passion, the souls connecting and the music chosen for each ship is what gets me the most. Through such videos, I usually discover such great music and it makes me love my ship even more!!

Some of the ships that I will hardcore love, some of the ships are the ships that I loved at some point, some of them are the ships that I  deeply wish for them to come true are as follows!!! ( PS: I am already hyperventilating and freaking out and I barely haven’t even started writing.

You might also notice that I have used a lot of girl meets world and teen wolf, it’s because those two shows are the shows that I love the most and I find the characters so deep and complex, and through videos made by people, well that’s how many started.

I have also linked down the videos that made me fall in love with all these ships. And when I go back to see this  post, it’s going to fill my heart with John annd excitement of seeing everything I love in one page especially the videos )

“DRUM ROLL” And HERE YOU GO!!!

Stiles (Teen Wolf) And Maya ( Girl Meets World)

I feel that they need to be together because they both are so alike but yet so different. Sarcastic but different. Broken but different yet the same. They both have been hurt way too many times and when it comes to trusting people, they become kind of scared. They are both fragile in different manners. The term friendship means the whole world to them and they are ready to sacrifice anything. I feel that they both would help heal each other and also just be good for each other. Passionate, fun, loving and caring.

There is this one video on youtube that made me love them the most and that’s how I started to love them in the first place. The song used also had a huge impact because that’s one of my favorite songs because of the feelings it gives out.

Scott (Teen Wolf) and Riley ( Girl Meets World)

These two are so alike and sometimes, I find the resemblances shocking and also kind of cute. They always try to see the better in the world and they are filled with hope and faith of the world and the people in it. Friendship means the whole world to them, they are both goofy, silly and happy but at the same time, they are serious when they need to be. Sometimes opposites attract work and sometimes too many similarities would just ruin the spark, I honestly don’t know. It depends if you like the person and they like you and whether you guys can work it out and for a good reason, I know they can. They are good for each other.

The videos on youtube are how I discovered this ship. GAWSH IT’S PERFECT

Theo (Teen Wolf) and Maya ( Girl Meets World)

Honestly, both of them are so badass and I feel that they could challenge each other in different ways. They hardly have any similarities but the similarity that they do is what I feel that makes them different. They both have this danger vibe to their and their chemistry would be really good!!

Riley and Farkle ( Girl Meets Worlds)

THIS WAS THE SHIP THAT NEEDED TO HAPPEN. Both of them were perfect for each other. They understood each other so much and there were a whole other deep level and connection they had. They knew reach other right from the start and have been through it all. The small and the big moments they had were absolute bliss. Both of them goofy, weird, caring but miles apart in the way they think and feel. They both were genuinely good for each other and Gosh how I rooted for this couple to happen.

Josh And Maya (Girl Meets World)

Another couple that we didn’t get to see much of. Honestly, the physical chemistry is what got to me the most but also the talks they had. When they had the talks, damn it was good.

Stiles and Malia ( Teen Wolf)

At the first when they introduced Malia and I like how Stiles was the one to humanize her and teach her many things. Their bond was really good. It was good while it lasted.

Stiles and Lydia ( Teen Wolf)

Honestly, I started shipping them only the moment they had their first kiss in the locker room. The song ” Start Of Time” playing during the scene was how I fell in love with the couple. That was their song. The song was the one that did wonders to me in order to love the couple. They both were there for each other and saved each other many times. They both are smart. Lydia, a supernatural beautiful smart being, and Stiles, an ordinary sarcastic cute wonderful human. They deserve the world. Season 5 was the ultimate season for them.

Barry and Patty ( The Flash)

Gosh, they were so cute!! They both liked each other, had a great time, had a good level of understanding but Barry and his feelings for Iris screwed it up. God Damn, but at least he is happy now. Or is he??

Kara and Winn ( Supergirl )

The ship that I always shipped right from the beginning of the show. Winn is so adorable and the friendship they both shared just made me think about how good they would be if that friendship slowly progressed towards a romantic one. Yes, I do get that some characters are better off as friends and yes I do understand that concept but with Kara and Winn, it was different. I felt that he opened up to her a lot and well, they both look really cute together. Well, at least they are good friends now.

( SIGH )

Monica and Chandler ( Friends)

THIS RELATIONSHIP IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT IN ALL MANNERS. How chandler handled Monica and he knew how to make her happy and found all her perks cute and handled them pretty damn well and Monica also knew how to cheer Chandler. The speech Chandler gave at the proposal and also to Erica about adopting the baby just made me fall in love with this couple and Chandler even more because it showed how much he truly cared for her and her happiness.

Ted and Tracy ( How I Met Your Mother)

Don’t even get me started on this. LIKE HOW COULD THEY DO THAT TO TRACY?!!! AFTER 9 SEASONS OF MYSTERY, ALL IT TOOK WAS 9 SECONDS FOR THEM TO DO THAT. LIKE WHY?! Tracy and Ted are the most perfect couple. Ted deserved her after all the struggles he went through to find ” THE ONE” AND SHE WAS IT!! She was this kind loving fun human with weird peculiar interests like Ted. The whole gang loved her and in a way she shaped and changed Barney also. They couldn’t be more perfect for each other and then BAM THAT END. FUCK IT.

I DISAPPROVE OF THIS ENDING HOW MUCH EVER YOU TELL ME LIFE IS NOT ALL RAINBOWS AND UNICORN AND WHAT NOT.

I clearly know that. That’s why I watch shows and movies to escape some of my reality cause they are my comfort zone and if you ruin my comfort zone, I can deal with it but just not with this couple.

I SIMPLY CAN’T……. It’s too hard.

Lily and Marshall ( Both from How I Met Your Mother)

The couple that went through it all together through thick and thin. Another couple that is just goals.

Steve and Diana ( Wonder Woman)

GAWD, THIS COUPLE HAD ME SOBBING. STILL SOBBING FROM THIS ONE. WHY DID THAT HAVE TO HAPPEN?! LIKE WHY????????? THEY JUST MET, CLICKED AND BAM, DEAD. NOOOO I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS. THE CHEMISTRY, GOD DAMNNNN.!.!

Tate and Violet ( American Horror Story)

Oh my gawd, the feels that this couple gave to me. I have never seen any couple so intense and raw. Their character flaws and darkness was what made them “them”. They clicked in such a dark raw manner and well the end was not good for them. I cant get over on how raw this relationship was. I still love how hope remians for them and I love how Violet changed him for the best and made him see the light in despite that dark void in him. This couple is the defintion of dark and pure rawness.

Draco and Hermione ( Harry Potter)

AAAAAHHHH, THIS SHIP, THE LEGIT GOOD GIRL FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE MYSTERIOUS BAD YET LOVING SOUL UNDERNEATH. ALL ROMANTIC DARK CLICHES COME ALIVE IN THIS SHIP FOR ME. I just feel that them as a couple would just be very attractive and really hot. As well as their differences are what struck me the most. Their personalities are miles apart from each other but there is this one common string that holds them together. It’s a string filled with intrigue, romance, passion, love, hate, and magic.

Jake and Amy (Brooklyn 99)

The progression of their relationship through the seasons, now that’s what I call progression successful. Their perks, differences, fun banters, competitions, the care and the bond that they had is so unique and special. They both are wondrous in their own ways and when combined, it’s really something unique.

Sheldon and Amy

This couple tho. Intially, I wasnt a fan of Amy making Sheldon more human because I loved the way Sheldon intially was, all robotic and all. But well, one of my friend made me understand on how she thought it was beautiful and well the character progression is really good in both of them. Amy changed Sheldon for the best and made him in touch with his emotions really well. They both are good for each other and the whole wedding process was really beautiful. I really dig ” Shamy”

Peter Hale and Lydia ( Teen Wolf)

I dont know, something about thier chemistry really just made me ship them. I really have no reason. It’s complicated.

Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone

DO I EVEN NEED TO TELL WHY?! ITS PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS and seeing them in Amazing Spiderman just gave me all the damn feels!!!!!!

Zayn Malik and Lily Collins

Wattpad fan fictions have started making me ship this couple so much. That’s the only reason why I love this ship so much!!

On the top of my head, these are my main ships and I have so many more. I chose them because as a couple and an individual, I love these characters so much.

Some of the ships that I also love are as follows:

Harvey and Donna ( Suits )

Jacob and Renesemee (Twilight)

Jake and Melanie ( Sweet Home Alabama)

Oliver and Felicity ( Arrow)

Scott and Malia (Teen wolf)

Beck and Tori (Victorious)

Cat and Robbie (Victorious)

Jace and Clary ( Mortal Instruments)

AND SO MUCH MORE!!!!

These ships have it’s pros and cons effect on me. Looking at these ships, I often wish this is how my love life would be or the person who I want to be with could be. These ships set a canon of unrealistic expectations that ain’t gonna happen but I still have hope that I will find a relationship really unique that would make me happy.

I am still hung onto that but well one can always dream.

I feel that from these ships, I learn more about the complexities and depts of a relationship but also the simple things. It might not be the ideal way to learn, but I think you can learn from anything.

SHIPS ARE BASICALLY MY FAVOURITE THING IN THE WORLD AND GOSH I LOVE THEM. It gets me so excited!!!!

The life of a ship-lover is a never ending ride. The constant cycle of emotions and excitiement is a cycle I always look forward to.