I have to change

7th August 2019, 7:20 pm

Now I am in the airport heading back for Singapore, back to my mom and dad! Here I am editing this piece that I want to post before I leave Dubai physically because this piece means a lot because it happened here and I got some good advice here, so I want to give it a nice goodbye.

I promised my teacher that the first thing I would write after having a talk with her was going to be a positive one, a positive one about me and the changes I wished to bring in my life from now on.

I am not solely writing it to honour my promise to her, I am writing it because I believe in what she said and I want to be that change.

Changing oneself can be so hard especially if you are at an age/mentality where you are so used to being yourself and it is hard, but that’s what I have to overcome. You can change at whatever age you are but that mentality to change, that is hard. I need to overcome that comfortable phase I am in. I need to change for the good of me. I need to change so that I can be the best version of myself.

I promised my Ma’am that I would try and commit to these changes. These changes are necessary to grow for me as a person and to be in this growing world. 

The changes that I wish to see in myself are as follows.

  1. I have to try, go out and make more friends. I like being by myself but that would turn out to be such a negative thing for me. I need to go out, meet people and make more friends. That doesn’t mean I am going to leave my best friends; I just have to do it for myself. I need to understand people more. I need to talk to other people and see their view points and let my analytical skills grow. I need to try and be more active. It is going to be good in the long run!
  2. I need to not undermine myself so much. I need to believe in myself and my skills. I don’t want to be so insecure about most of the things. Regarding this, I will be doing something very soon. You will see! I need to be my own cheer leader!
  3. I have to start living life a bit more on my own terms. I have always been living life on my own terms but sometimes a few factors hold me back. I don’t want those factors to determine my entire life and hold me back from achieving my full potential to live life. I do not want other’s emotions to hold me down from going after what I want.
  4. I do not want to be scared of the what if’s. If a what if comes in. my way, I want to try and do that what if? If regrets arise out of it, I will deal with it but I would be free from that liberation of what if?
  5. If I want to commit to changes, even the smallest of changes, I want to do it!
  6. I want to be more in this world.

Thank You Sneha Ma’am for being there and for having an honest, fun, insightful and a beautiful conversation!

I have to change. I need to change. I want to change.

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Sometimes my faith shatters and it’s your fault partially

You know what Universe and the Lords

I am disappointed in you guys, why do you have to go out of your way to create disruption and chaos in my life and to those I care about

I am angry at you, I am frustrated because I have no other explanation

I have no one else to blame but you, solely you, just you

You might think as to why I keep writing about my miseries and sorrows again and again.

You might also think all my miseries and sorrows are the same monotnous old regime but guess what, maybe you could ask the lords above to intervine and request them to bring some aspects of change into my life so that I can write about something new

When good times arise, why is it that you have to stick your foot down at that very moment and create a judgment for you to pass upon my life?

I am angry with you but you know my temper would subside down

I just need to vent out and have an open conversation with you.

I might and will blame you but know that, I never mean these things very seriosuly, I understand why you have to do these things, actually I don’t. I think it’s unfair but like the world says the world is unfair.

I will always continue to put my faith and belief in you but that doesn’t mean once in a while I won’t get angry with you when the waves go rough

I pray to you to get matters sorted out, I pray to you for finding solutions, I pray to you to help me and aid me.

Sometimes I hope you can make it easy for myself and the world, I really do. If you are out there, don’t let this world and the good people descend to choas. There is still hope.

Sometimes people say it all happens for the best or it happens for a reason, but when the absolute worst happens, how can anyone mean that? How is there sense to it? Why does it have to happen when no good reason comes out of it?

Why can’t people just say what’s happened has happened or say nothing at all rather than say it must have happened for a reason or some lame universe philosophy. That does not make things better.

I take action for my responsibility and will not blame you for whatever comes from it, maybe I will vent out but will try to understand whatever happened happened and there is nothing I can do about it. I will live through it like always, sometimes it takes longer than usual, but I will pass through it.

Universe, Gods and the Lords, I will always put my unwavering faith in you because you help me and I find calm and solace with you.

Waking up to a good mood

Very few are those days where you delightfully wake up to a good start. I am having one of those days right now. Living and breathing it.

Today is a Wednesday and usually, Wednesday’s are my day off but I had lost that privilege because of an internship I am doing. No complaints but I really do miss having a holiday in the middle of the week after all those lectures. That one day off to unwind, relax and catch up.

This blog post was an impromptu one, I needed to remember this day and how it felt. I wanted all of you to know that days like these do exist and can be created by us. Some of the factors in the universe can be controlled by us, some of them…

So naturally, I knew this day was going to be good because it’s a holiday and for the first time I felt so relaxed at the start of the day. An appointment that I had today or so I thought was actually on March 19th. So when I heard that news as well, my heart and body were so elated because I was able to stay at home, read, listen to some music and watch some Netflix and youtube.

The day starts off right after you get the sleep of your heart’s content. After scrolling through my phone it was high time for me to get out from the comfort of my bed and take a calming warm shower and wash my greasy hair. Listening to music whilst in the shower was another privilege because I could soak it all in, the layers of music and thoroughly enjoy it. You know you are living life through simple joys like these.

After the shower, one puts on clothes, and as soon as I opened the curtains, I was welcomed with the warmest of sunrays, so warm and so cold on my skin. I looked out and saw the streets unwind; some of the people bustling out on the streets and with the window ajar a bit, I let the wind caress my hair. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the serendipity of it all.

Now, I did not want this brightness to slip away into the dark. I did not want to lose it like how the tears got lost in the rain. I wanted to bask in it for as long as possible. So what to do indeed was the question?

Rather than loafing around, I decided to include fragments of what makes me happy and I also wanted to get the most of it. So I decided to combine happiness with work. Doing my reading for university and writing for fun. Combining both of my interests to turn this day into a happy and a good one.

You could try as this well, combing what you love and what you love in your work and I hope that it helps you create a good day. With some music as well, I guarantee it’s going to be bliss. It’s important to have that good music because they inspire you in so many ways and they can also sometimes be the sole responsibility of either shaping or breaking your mood.

These days might get lost in the memory as time goes on, I would not expect myself to remember these days but having them and living through them is what can get us through life. To play and be in that role is important because it is vital to remind ourselves, there are good days.

As I struggle to find the words to end this, I am thinking as to what more I can give you without pushing you away or you mentally or physically rolling your eyes at me.

So as I am listening to The Morning Stroll playlist on Spotify, I know how to end this now.

 

Enjoy life, take a break to pause, reflect and be in it. Take a break to be happy do what makes you happy. Bask it all in. Step out into the sunshine and let that do the work. Let yourself be in it. 


-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Under the weather

When one feels under the weather, you know what they crave for the most?

Some warm soup and good TV to turn that dying cough into a tiring laugh…

Jokes aside and yes the above was a joke attempted and now you know how bad my humor is. Apologies for that, I am not feeling up to the mark as I am currently ill whilst writing this.

It’s a rainy day outside and I have shut the drapes to a close as I do not want my mind to lure into taking a walk outside where it’s cold, windy harsh and rainy. Not quite the perfect antidote to cure the sick, if one intends to get more sick than before, I suggest you do the above, if you live in a hot country, go under the shower, take a bath for the whole night and do not dry yourself up. You might get a cold, I haven’t tried that one yet. Tell me how it goes or not…

There it is, dry humor to avoid writing what I really feel now. Never had that problem before. This sickness keeps getting worse and tiring by each agonizing minute.

I feel like a sick and needy Sheldon and I like it… Dear Lord…

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As I mentioned before, I am sick, I have caught myself a little cold and I could feel my body plummeting down to the bottom of the pit where it feels impossible to get back up. I have also got the scratches as in my throat is scratchy and I dislike it because it pains me to swallow and well talk…

Despite all of that, I went for my lectures because I decided I did not want to fail in life and after seeing the lecture slides the day before, I realized I have the IQ of a peanut when it came to that module. So getting up today and dragging myself to campus for a lecture at 10 which talked half an hour to reach is quite the work in itself when you are sick…

I have brought some medicines for myself and I am a bit better than before. I can stand on my feet and walk for a few minutes without having the urge to slumber in my bed for the rest of eternity. That’s a success…

Throughout this day, one thought lurked around wherever and whenever my mind decided to divert itself. It was a soul-crushing reality smacking saddening thought that tore me.

Given the circumstances, I have granted myself permission to be on the exaggeration scale as my brain isn’t in the right mind to filter every thought that it went. My fingers are typing every thought that my mind is coming up with and they too have lost the game because they too have been infected by the plague that is taking over my almost lifeless body…

( How sick am I?)

Let me get to the point before my brain yaps more…

Why I started writing now was because I am trying to get myself to sleep and I can’t bring myself to sleep. So I tried to hold a book and bring myself to read it but now it’s simply resting on my belly untouched…

So the best way to describe how I feel is by words.

To tell you the truth, I feel sad, lonely, very cold and tired… It all started when that sneaky little cold caught up to me when I least expected it, and that was the Rookie mistake one. I was weak and it resided in me.

Rookie mistake 2: The heart’s desires and the mind’s compulsive obsession to ponder on everything that has the power to wreck me which is sadness.

I wish my parents were here or I was there back home so that I could just be sick and we’ll have taken care of. The love and care that you get is just a cure in itself. It’s part of the healing process, and over here I have to do the Adulting and Studenting (MADE UP WORD kids, do not blame me if you use it in your school or essay and teachers yell at you. Warning had been given. Do not choose to ignore, otherwise choose to face the wrath) all by myself. It’s too much for a sick child in an almost adult teenager’s body to handle.

When you are sick, you just want to sleep and not care about whether the world exists tomorrow or not because you are simply too god damn tired to think so. When you are sick, you want your loved ones to be beside you and take care of you… You just want to be home and be taken care of…

 

(Searching for the pictures below of parents taking care of kids when they are sick made me even sadder and reminded me of the fact that I was alone. So no picture)

 

I want my mom to cuddle me and lie down next to me saying I am going to be fine and gently kissing my forehead whilst placing ice cold towels on my forehead to bring my fever down. In the evening, I want to get up from sleep and sit next to my dad and talk and watch some TV with my family while my dad cuddles me that makes me warm. As night approached, I want to be covered in a heap of blankets prepared by my dad and sleep.

I want all that here but I can’t have it…

You get that sick day off back home but here, I can’t give that to myself because obligations and responsibilities come knocking down the door and force you to dress up and be ready.

Why did my almost teenage years have to end so soon? Why come a time when you are plunged into that world of making it on your own? Why can’t I just be where I want to be with the loved ones all in one place? Why can’t I have it all?

Over here, I have to wake up because I need to go for the lecture, if not I will get screwed. Then I have to take care of my own health which means figuring out what food to eat, making it or ordering it, then going to Uni which is the worst because I have to walk for 15 minutes to catch a bus and then go to uni… And later I need to go to the pharmacy to get some antibiotics because I wish to get better and not die from this sluggishness. And lastly, I just wish my parents were here to help me with all that.

At times like these, you know the sadness and the desperation of having someone with you, especially those you love and who you want…

But despite all this, you know what this has taught me: I am strong and mighty and I can make it even if I am on the verge of dying. It’s never easy but I can do it, with a few complaints along the way because that’s how I roll. That is the only one good thing I am taking out of the bad lot.

#Livingthesickunilife 

The lesson of the day: Being sick sucks and kids take care of yourself.

Enjoy while it lasts…

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Thoughts

In this world, there are millions of people out there. Every second, every minute, on the streets, I see people out, all sorts of people living their stories in this world. It just dawned upon me today while having dinner with my friend.

What if I could be a friend to each and every person in the world out there? Maybe that’s a bit too much. What if I knew every person and their story? What would I do knowing it? I figure it might be a bit too tedious for my brain to handle.

If I hadn’t met her at uni, what would happen, of the memories, of the bond, of it all? Then I got thinking to the other people in my life. It’s an intense and disturbing thought that often troubles me when I have it. Many thoughts that I have are intense and distrbuing but some of the thoughts people find disturbing, I find it to be exciting.

What would have happened if I wouldn’t have met my friends? Would I meet the people who I would like? Would I be truly alright?  Would I have shared the same sort of connection? It has to be fate and destiny right? Or is it us just moving on and going with the flow?

What if I lived another life in another country with a different background and setting? Maybe I would just meet other people, make best friends there, probably change and learn something about myself.

While eating, we talked. We talked about life and the struggles. We all have them, don’t they? Everyone has their own struggles and problems, some worse than the rest of the world. But it doesn’t mean that what we have is also not worse. It’s worse in our own way.

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Why do some people struggle more in their life than others? Some people might have it all, and still, they seem to lack something or the other. Also, I often see that why does bad stuff happen to good people often?

What is this way of life? I see that some people despite being so kind and so generous, they tend to have the worst of the earth’s hits on them and the bad often gets away with it at times, or many of the times.

So when do they pay for this? At the time of death or after death?

I see it in my own life. We all get consequences for the actions we commit and do, and it pains me to see them happen in my own family. Some people do deserve it but seeing them struggle through it hurts me.

 

A random thought

I just finished watching Blackmirror- Bandersnatch that my best friend recommended and holy mother forking shirt balls, it is one of the brilliantly made movies I have watched in a long time, you get to choose your own choices and your own end to the film. I tried out all the possible ends, but I do have two left which I can’t wait to discover. I just feel that whatever end I choose, it’s grim. I have tried to discover a happy ending but it simply doesn’t exisit, and if it does exisit in the show, that’s simply not the end. It’s a false lie to make you feel better for yourself and the character. That’s all what it truly is.

I do not wish to spoil it for the people but have your minds ready to be forking amazed and baffled and tricked by.

I have always loved Black Mirror because it makes you think and ponder about everything in life and about the things you have never doubted but will start to when you watch this show. It’s a very interesting and unique take on the world, it’s technology. This show makes you think and question so much. Some of the episodes are merely frightening because you know there are the chances of it happening. Every episode in black mirror is different, so you have the option of watching any episode from any season because it’s not connected.

Watching Black Mirror does make you question everything of our existence and what the future holds for us.

It’s a brilliant show that deserves all the hype. 

 

I have many thoughts on different things, feelings, objects, the world, people, concepts and so much more that I just cannot hold onto. Every thought that I have connects to an other, and it just keeps going on and linking and latching onto every possibility it gets. I do not know how I do it, don’t we all?

We find our minds skipping to one thing and then to another. It’s a game of hopscotch, I tell you. 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

A week of philosophies, Day 6

This is a new thing that I am trying and focussing on.

Few philosophies that I like can resonate with, that can express my feelings or concepts that simply I needed to hear and be inspired by.

A week of philosophies. 7 different ways to look and learn about various aspects and views of life.

7 days to learn new, different 7 philosophies and incorporate these learnings into my life.

 

Day 6 September 16th 2018

Today’s philosophy: Karma

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What is Karma?

Men are not punished for their sins, but by them.

— Elbert Hubbard

“What goes around comes around.” That’s the basic rule of Karma. How Karma functions.

This use of the term suggests a lack of personal power or responsibility for being at both the cause and the effect of what occurs in one’s life. Using the phrase “it’s my karma” suggests victimhood, and karma is anything but victimhood.

Just as gravity is a law of the physical world, so is karma a law of the spiritual world. We are held responsible for our actions and, more precisely, for the intention of our actions. This responsibility exists within the context of an individual soul’s relationship with God. When one deliberately disobeys the will of God, karma is accrued. It is the intent of one’s actions that generate karma.

Why this scares and intrigues me?

Like gravity, karma is so basic we often don’t even notice it.

— Sakyong Mipham

To be punished or to be gifted for our actions and deeds.

I never believed in the whole Karma notion a few years back, but my good and wrong actions got what it deserved and gave me what I needed to have in a whole different way and story. It always did. Yet I never believed in it why?

When my friend told me about Karma, I still had a hard time believing it, but then I did a reflection on life and it’s workings. That’s when it hit me. It was there all this time. It really was there it really did exist.

This has now become a concept I truly believe in but also wonder why it works and exists. Both for good and bad. I often would wonder how the world would function if not for this.

Would people be pursuing the wrong actions and never get punished for it? What about the good folks, will they get what they deserve? How and why?

There are times when Karama has worked in the worst ways possible, and I wonder why. I wonder why for my family, friends and myself. What heinous actions have we done to deserve the worst? Is it because of the actions of our loved ones that affect us? Or are these the actions that we have committed unknowingly?

I often wonder why God would do this? Sometimes the struggles we are being put through, I wonder why. Did we do something in our past lives to deserve this? Or does it just happen?

 

The world works in it’s fine and mysterious ways that can sometimes kill or fix people.

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But then it also worked in the most amazing best ways as possible. I am not a very bad person, okay maybe in the deepest corners of my soul, I do wish people that I don’t like or who have done the absolute worst to my family and me should deserve the worst, or they should get a taste of their own medicine. And boy oh boy, have they got it!!

BLuF

 

I have a love-hate relationship with this force. I can’t expect it to work in my favour at all times, but I also know that I can expect it to be my side and it will come to me when I deserve it.

So far, this year has given me all kinds of karma I deserved in both good and bad ways.

I often forget Karma at times and sometimes end up doing things that I am not so proud of and have also suffered from my actions in my own way.

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If not now, then definitely later I have. Each bad and good story of my life teaches me different lessons and reminds me of one thing every time.

Things happen, sometimes they are meant to be and sometimes not. We should try to see the best in it, and also sometimes it’s okay we can’t adapt to it or see the best in everything. We should try. We should do good actions and deeds if we expect the world to be kind to us as well.

 

(A Special Thank You to this song for helping me out. Even though I didn’t understand some of the words in it, it still helped me connect more with Karma and also helped me write. So, Thank You for making this song. )

 

Quote to end the day with

A reminder to myself and to us all. Good actions get you good karma, and wrong actions get you the absolute worst from the lot. 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

 

 

 

A week of philosophies, Day 3

This is a new thing that I am trying and focussing on.

Few philosophies that I like can resonate with, that can express my feelings or concepts that simply I needed to hear and be inspired by.

A week of philosophies. 7 different ways to look and learn about various aspects and views of life.

7 days to learn new, different 7 philosophies and incorporate these learnings into my life.

Day 3, September 13th 2018

Today’s philosophy: Stocism

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What is Stoicism?

“External thinks are not the problem. It’s your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.” 

Marcus Aurelius

In simple words, Stoicism sets out to remind us of how unpredictable the world can be.

Stoicism doesn’t concern itself with complicated theories about the world, but with helping us overcome destructive emotions and act on what can be acted upon.

The Stoics focus on two things:

  1. How can we lead a fulfilling, happy life?
  2. How can we become better human beings?

The goal of Stoicism is to attain inner peace by overcoming adversity, practicing self-control, being conscious of our impulses, realizing our ephemeral nature and the short time allotted.

It’s important that we understand the obstacles that we face and not run from them; it’s vital that we learn to transmute them into fuel to feed our fire. But at the very root of the thinking, there is a very simple, though not easy, way of living. Take obstacles in your life and turn them into your advantage, control what you can and accept what you can’t.

To understand more in depth about the concept, I have put down a video that can make you all understand the concept with ease and clarity.

Origin

“Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.”

Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

Stoicism originated as a Hellenistic philosophy, founded in Athens by Zeno of Citium (modern day Cyprus), c. 300 B.C.E. … The name comes from the Stoa Poikile, or painted porch, an open market in Athens where the original Stoics used to meet and teach philosophy.

Why was I inspired to choose this?

“How does it help…to make troubles heavier by bemoaning them?”

Seneca

We may not always have control of the events that affect us but we do have control over our emotions, recations and ourselves. That is what inspired me to incoorporate stoicism into my life.

I want to learn how to be calm and not blame the world. I want to know how to deal with life at its worst, be understanding and not let if affect me in any bad way, shape or form.

I wish to be calm, positive, think of the best in everything, learn how to not let things get to me easily.

I want to pratice the art of stoicism in my daily life. I want to maitain an inner balance and peace within me.

 

How to practice stoicism

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Some ways that I have found to be of interest and use that could help incorporate stoicism into my life and also yours.

  1. Early morning reflectionFirstly, be thankful that you have actually woken up, many people will not have this privilege today.

    Secondly, plan how you will embrace your virtues and avoid your vices. Pick a particular philosophical precept or a personal strength you want to cultivate and think about how you can incorporate it into the day ahead. Mentally check how you will deal with any difficult situations that know may well arise.

    Thirdly, remind yourself that the only things you can control are your thoughts and your actions. Everything else is uncontrollable.

  2. Meditate and make your mind at ease. Self retreat
  3. Regular self-imposed discomfort. It is, again, both a reminder of what we have and may take for granted. Negative visualization is a simple exercise that can remind us how lucky we are.
  4. You can use a philosophical journal as a tool to discover your own shortcomings and to track the way you change over time. By constant reflection we can improve our current and future life.
  5. The thinking behind this exercise is that every situation has many layers, just like an onion. Each layer represents something that we bring to the situation and not the situation itself. It’s only by considering the core issues without the relatively unimportant layers we add that we can act according to a proper ethical framework. Stop considering your reputation or whatever personal advantage you think you may gain as part of the equation when working out what to do in a given situation. Ask yourself the following questions:
    • What value does this situation bring to everyone? You might be surprised at how many times the answer is “none”.
    • What type of qualities does this situation require? If you have these qualities then great, if not then just think of this situation as a good chance to develop them.
    • Learn from your mistakes is the ideal lesson
  6. Bed-time reflection. Think about your day what has happened. Mentally replay your entire day and then ask yourself the following questions:
    • Did I behave according to my principles?
    • Did I treat the people with whom I interacted with in a friendly and considerate manner?
    • What vices have I fought?
    • Have I made myself a better person by cultivating my virtues?

 

For more info, do check out the below sources!! They do help and provide a lot more in detail

Sources

10 Insanely Useful Stoic Exercises

https://howtobeastoic.wordpress.com/2016/10/13/how-i-practice-stoicism-the-nuts-and-bolts/

 

Today’s quote to end the day

Objective judgment, now at this very moment.
Unselfish action, now at this very moment.
Willing acceptance–now at this very moment–of all external events.
That’s all you need. 

– Marcus Aurelius

 

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