Being Cozy

I woke up to a good day! The skies were clear but now it’s a bit dark out. It’s moody, grey and comfortable; my cup of chai!

Started of the day talking to my mom, dad and grandparents. I had fun! They told me I glowed which made me happy. It was just one of those days where I woke up warm. I laughed along with them in certain memories, was embarssed to hear and be part of some memories but I enjoyed it!

There were moments of sadness in the conversation but today, I chose not to relish in any of that for a change.

I chose not to brood over current challenges and just be cozy today. I decided to read a book, watch a show, listen to some music and go out exploring with my best friend for food!

In many ways, it was turning out to be a “cozy” Saturday I wanted in a long time.

I then started to wonder how wonderful all our minds were, the reason being I remembered a very insiginfcant detail of my dream and I was just curious and amazed by how our minds remember those tiny moments or objects we just saw and then project them into our dreams.

Our mind is a labyrinth streaming many different things, each opening up to a new sense of wholeness or emptiness. A weird labyrinth designed and made for every one of us.

Each thought that I was creating and living it now was aligning up and I couldn’t be more at peace and calm. One thought leading to an other creating a sort of a perfect order in my mind. My system was finally understanding what it means to have your mind in order and learning that a small break from life can achieve wonders to your work.

Later after watching a few episodes, I had then gone to take a shower and came out fresh as the Kerala monsoons. I then opened the blinds and my heart was pleased and in love with the darkness outside my window. The golden lights from the houses illuminated and I saw everything. The green, the hills, the city. I saw it all and I was happy.

I was also happy and excited on the thought of going home. The thought of going back to be with my mom and dad kept me going. Many of the days, it was the sole reason that kept me going through.

I did not worry or overthink over simple things/matters close to the heart today. I treated my mind and heart to a shower which kept its promise in making their troubles go away.

For the first time in god knows how long, I experienced peace and warmth not by escaping into a world of mine but rather into this world I live in.

I want to have more days like these and I also want to know how I can stop doubting myself and be more confident in what I can do.

Today, I believe that I will be fine. I want to keep having that belief now and forever.

Do you really want to do it?

Have you ever come across those tasks or jobs where at first when applying and getting into it, you were excited and so worked about it. All that energy and planning to give it your best shot, counting up to those days where you can finally start doing that task or job but then as soon as that day arrives, you find yourself backing out of it. You start to have second guesses, you begin to doubt yourself and feel worthless in yourself. You blame yourself for not being up to it and what not.

Why does that feeling emerge?

Our university is planning to do podcasts and they have topics that I am really interested and keen to do, I sogned up for it and everything and now there is a meeting to attend as to see how it all goes and now I am nervous and I wish to back out of it.

I have been having that feeling with some of the tasks that I have been recently doing and been wanting to do. With my internship, I just feel it’s endless. At the start, I was so hyped, excited and happy and now it just feels exhausting and I can’t wait for the day it gets over. It feels rewarding to help the students but somewhere I know this is not what I find myself doing in the future, helping students yes, but not in the traditional way these schools teach, in my own way. Through this, I learn more and more, so in a way, I am happy but then exhausted and nervous when the day arrives when I have to go to school and teach.

I remember when I applied, passed the interview and got into it, I was so sure and happy but now I question myself; “Is it too late to back out”, ” Do you really want to do this?” With all these overwhelming doubts and insecurities about myself and me thinking of being a quitter, this is the time where pep talk comes into play.

The only way I can keep going and not quit because of the nerves that I feel overtake me is by saying these thing over and over again, ” You are not a quitter, don’t quit, you are not that person, you can do it, it’s just a few more days, don’t make the world think you are a quitter, this is for the future, this is worth it.”

That pep talk then pushes me to do it, it helps a lot; but why do those feelings emerge in the first place forcing me to give the pep talk?

Is it because I do not want to work? Is it because this is not what my heart desires? Is it because of the thought of facing other people make me anxious and nervous? Is it because I am not happy? Maybe all of them are right.

So what to do in situations like these?

It differs from different people, each of their mind sets and aspirations are different. Here is what I do.

  1. I start by calming myself down and also make myself get excited and hyped for the opportunity i have been presented with. I make a list of pros as to how this would benefit me and with each opportunity, I am broadening my future and myself.
  2. Depending on the type of thing I am doing, a few weeks in, I get tired, irritaed and I wish for it to be over as soon as possible. I wouldn’t lie when I say, so many thoughts have crossed my mind of quitting the job I am doing right now, but I push myself not to give up and keep going on. I do not want to be a quitter. I do not want to quit because I am lazy and on the insane amount of hardwork I put into it. I want to push myself to do more because this is what life is. I want to have that sense of accomplishment and that feeling of pride when I complete it.
  3. I push myself more by saying it’s just a matter of few weeks and I can do it. I think about myself, my parent’s happiness and how proud they are of me which keeps me going.
  4. Just a few more to go… It’s all going to be worth it, if not; be glad you did it and you learnt something from it.

But if this isn’t making you happy or you don’t feel yourself comfortable doing it, do not be afraid to quit. At the end of the day, it’s you and your happiness that is at stake, not anyone else’s. You will find what makes you happy and what inspires you, just be patient for that journey and work hard.

So go with your gut instinct, think about it and choose what’s best for you!!

-Roshni Marath Jairaj