To not care or to care, That is the question.

You were a produce amongst many of the others 

I chose you out of the many

I nurtured you and I fed you 

I fed you with everything you wanted, needed and secretly demanded

Without a moment of hesitation I submitted it all to you

You are a taste one acquires at first but then fails to spit it out letting the venom make its habitat in you

You are a taste that is full of disdain and delusion

You are a poisonous thorn tricked to hide among the flowers and then you strike

You were like the rest but I guess I was never fully over your kind which is why I keep growing you

You spread like a plague in my veins and it furiates me 

I fed and fed, your hunger remains an itch 

I hear and hear, and now my ears are bleeding

I have hurt and hurt, and your hunger loves it 

I know how to get rid of you and when I do decide to unleash the cure, those will be the days you will fear and break

My cure carries so much of hatred and truth that it will forever petrify you and the impact would carry on for the remainder of its time

Your wounds might heal but my cure will always leach on to you

I let you grow into the skies, I let you reach the clouds not soley by my help but you took in the others as well, they helped you without knowing what they are in for

I stay on the ground with my knife sharpened ready to stem you off when the times arrive 

Why I do this, I will never know 

I let these thoughts get into my head and they make me dance 

You are scared of me, now I know but I want to destroy and make you bleed

My toungue itches to make you cry and bleed for what you do but I remain silent with these burning aches and not letting the fumes take over entirely 

I let you feel the scorching sun a bit by bit

I will let you get used to these rays, needful and cancerous 

I will never unleash my full power on you because I know I will forever break you and I do not want to be haunted for the remainder of my life as I still desire to be a bit of a good human on the inside.

You want to be seen, you want to be the force that breaks and makes it all

You want a life you can never have 

You can have it but you are too deluded by your posion to see through your act

You blame me

You strike me in the back with my own weapons

You feed me your hurtful words through your dying self 

And yet you seem to be the one in the right 

You seem to still be the flower amongst the many 

And now I have no choice but to cut off you from the fields 

You have leeched onto my depleting self and have taken my sanity and peace

You have ripped me of my happiness and put these questionable sins in my head 

Are you worth the sins?

The sins that I should be proud of

The sins that will determine my place in hell

One Last Look

Friday 26th October 2018

It was time to leave again. It was a short visit for four days to home to resolve an issue.

Taking a break from uni and going back for that short time was just diffcilut because I was used to my routine and breaking it and leaving felt hard because I knew when I would return back to my routine, I would have a hard time adjusting to it again.

Life surely had it’s ways of working.

After those 4 short days, I was going back to university, a life that I was starting to love and enjoy. But right now, I couldn’t savour it because I was leaving my home, my past, my childhood, my memories, my nostalgia, my essence for good.

I was leaving this part of Dubai, Bur Dubai, My home for 18 years and moving into a new unkown tritory somewhere in Dubai, but not that I can call it home.

As I was getting ready to leave the flat, a few minutes before, I went around my small home and gazed and loooked at every nook and corner in every room. I remembered the 17 years of my life, the life that I spent in this building and neighbourhood.

Bitter sweet ones they were.

I smiled, but it was a sad one.

With my bags ready to go back, I stepped out and as soon as the doors shut, that was it. It was the end of an era.

I looked back, wished and dreamed that it was all a bad nightmare. A nightmare that I could wake up from but it just kept going on. It did not stop to comfort me, instead it just moved ahead.

As we got into the car, my mom held my hand. I looked at my building, the streets, the night lights, the shops, the roads and I kept looking back and I did not want to say goodbye. Not yet, probably not ever.

She couldn’t help but hold my hand tight and say that we will be back here for drives and visiting, but we both knew it would never be the same. I looked around the streets again, I  was trying so hard to fit all of it into my brain at one go.

In that moment, I felt that living there my whole life wasn’t enough to capture everything. I needed more of it. I did not want to leave something so comforting and familar, it had it’s flaws and horrible times but it was home.

The home that was there for me throughout my life. It felt too hard to let go.

It felt as if I was slowly letting it all go, forcefully. Someone was taking it away and there was nothing I could do but simply watch as I let it slip through my hands.

 

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It was hard to follow and understand what Robin said, but when I think about it.

It’s true. Sometimes things had to change and I should be greatful that I wasn’t leaving Dubai. I was moving into a new place with new beginnings. That is something to look forward to. More memories.

It was just that small part of my heart I had to say goodbye too. It hurts and breaks every single time, but in time it would be healed and fixed. It would still hurt to think about it but maybe, a bit less than before.

I thank you and love you so much home, for what you have done and taught me. I will always love and remember you.

 

You will always be a part of my eternity.

 

Going back to Airports have always been the worst part of going to Uni. I would like to put this in simple words as possible, IT SIMPLY JUST SUCKS. There is no easy way ever to make this process a less painful one.

I can never get used to it. I would like to say that someday I would hope to change that, but as i keep growing up and with time moving on so fast, it seems to get tougher every time. 

Whilst on the way, I looked at the streets, the lights shined bright but not the type of bright that would make you happy and heart content. It was the type of light that made you remember all the special moments in your life. It was the type of light that remindes you why you fell in love with it the first place. It was the type of light that would make you not want to go back. It captures you and makes you want to see it every single day, for the rest of your life. It traps you in a trance. It’s magic that you never want to let go of.

As I was nearing the destination, I gave the old memory box a quick look and winded it. I replayed each one of those memories. It was nice but felt sad, every single time.

I would not go into the details of the airport check in process because I dislike it immensely but I would give you an insight on how it all went down when I had to say goodbye.

Every time I took a step to leave for the check in, I would go back to return for that one last hug. I did not cry but as soon as I gave that final goodbye, I walked and then came the tears. I did not let them see me cry because I woudln’t want them to cry too. I wanted them to see me happy and content. That’s the least I could give them for being the good parents they are, and I left to return back to my life here, at Nottingham.

 

So that was it

Those four days marked the end of an era

And on the last day, I had my one last look