3. The Master

Continued from 2. The Monologue…

I want to be that one who teaches you

I want to be that one who people learn about 

Do you not find it fascinating or tentative or is it just me? 

How to make you understand is beyond my limits 

If you were I, this would be so much easier but where does the fun in that lie?

 

How else will I teach you? 

How else will I be that one that stands out?

Am I the master of this? 

Have I changed the way as to how people look Future self? 

Are the pondering and wondering about these random lines and interpreting them just how I imagined them to be? 

Has my rhythmic flow of randomness changed something or put a spark in one mind or many? 

I want to be that writer where I do not have to fear of letting loose 
I want to let go in my words and lines and not have anyone edit or cut it out
I want to let loose in my words and capture every thought I have and pour it out on to this 

To be continued….

2. Monologue

Continuation from 1. The Prelude…


Now I want you to imagine

Can you do it for me?

Imagine that this is a prologue to something great or a prologue to an epic end

Create it however you like but I want you to make me the center in that space 

In that dim vast space, I will be the lead and you will be my audience listening to every word pouring out within me 

All I ask from you is to let me in those minds and hypnotize you into a fascination I want to create 

Let me do it and I will show how I feel it too 

Do you feel it too? 

I always imagined doing a prologue or a monologue like this in a dark space with lighting well enough so that I can see and it shows the light on me as well

I imagine doing it in a voice that carries many undertones to it 

The tunes of darkness, charm, seduction, innocence, inquisition and a voice that gets you so lost 

I want my voice while saying this to you to be so enchanting that I loose myself in my own voice and be a prey to it 

I want to feed on this voice and these words while I say it to you 

I want to consume it and be in that eternal state for as long I can try  

You try so hard to refute 

You try so hard not to give in but you know it always get it’s way at the end 

After that explosion you know you feel complete 

Do not be afraid if you find no pattern

I relish in these outbursts of random scattered thoughts 

I do not want you to pick up each of them, assimilate them and bring them together to tell a story

Don’t bother to find a pattern because let it be

Let it stay scrambled

Let it stay as the way as it is because that is what you are meant to do 

This is how I am 

No pattern but just a bunch of lines written down with no intention to ever stop

This is how I am 

I let these lines flow on to here so 

They scatter 

They are everywhere 

That is how it should be

That is how I want you to read

That is how you know me

Each line is a thought and story in itself, so fear not 

Do not let the force push you to finding a pattern or to desperately pick up the pieces to connect and to understand because that is not how I roll

I want you to live like me

I want you to know how it is

I want you to learn to flow 

To flow like these lines

Read and read 

Each line a new story or a recurring thought 

I want you to leave it to your own mind

Do not try to think of it as to how I created it 

Do not be like the rest of them who try to come up with these conspiracies and theories

Just be that person who lets go and lives in it rather than indulging and divulging in it for the sake of dissecting it up to find something 

Continued…

1. The Prelude



This is a series, each piece with its own title and different lines.
You can read or approach it any way you would, but my personal recommendation is to stick with it from the beginning until the very end. It helps with the exploration of the journey.
I hope you all stick till the very end and I would love to see how you feel about it.

Thank you and now you may begin the journey…

Do you feel it too?

Do you feel your urges pinning you down into submission

Do you feel you want to let that energy burst into a million fragments 

When watching a movie or listening to a song or reading a story, do you feel you are in it savoring every moment of it

Do you feel you are with the character by their side or just as an observer from far 

Do you feel that closeness take over you

Do you feel at times you want to be that character 

When watching those intimate scenes with your favorite actors, do you feel or do you wish it was you being with them by their side 

Or in a song or in a book, do you feel you want to live it too?

Do you create dreams and stories to feel everything you want to feel knowing it could never be achieved in reality

Do you feel that strong urge as I do pushing me to do things

Do you feel that you have always wanted to do a monologue

The ones where you sit and watch in the movies where the actor or the actress talks to you or the audience in front of them 

In that dim lit room and that one chair standing admist the space 

The one ray of light shows how vulnerable you are in that moment 

It shows how weak you have become or how strong you wish to be

It shows the front you finally had to face but it only shows it to you or probably it shows to those people who have a keen inquisitive eye 

I feel like being in those moments every day or at least once where I have that light shone upon me and out I reveal that monologue that will enchant you forever 

I imagine myself in a different avatar when I do it 

I imagine strange and new faces not the old ones I am so used to seeing

I want to present this to the people of the unknown 

This is how I want you to remember me 

I want to invent and create versions of myself in the times I am talking to you through this monologue

This is how I want to live 

This is how I create that impact I envisioned in my mind 

This is what I want you to be fascinated with…

To Be Continued…

Those songs tho….

 

When I say music? I want you to think of the first word that pops up into your head.. DONT STOP TO THINK.

So have you thought of it? Now, I don’t know what you have in your mind, but when I say this, I hope you can all relate.

” Music is one of the forms of my therapy”

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There are so many times when only songs have understood me. There are so many songs out there in the world for each one of your different moods. There exist playlists of songs for each mood. It’s all out there.

Some reasons as to why music is simply at it’s best?

  • The long midnight walks that I take with the city lights, stars and the night sky. Music has been my friend at those times and I find solace in it. With each step, beat and word, there is a feeling that cannot be dismissed. Sometimes it’s the dark fuzzy feelings that one occasionally get or the feeling of pure silence and then that song playing in your ears just pushes you to the edge.
  • Lying down on the grass, or in the middle of nowhere, just gazing upon the stars with that song playing. Holy Mamma, that’s a pretty good darn feeling. Everything just soaks and sinks in. All the feelings muster up and come to the surface. Then the feels hit you and emotions start to downpour.
  • We all have that one place, that place where we go to and all our troubles fade away into nothingness just for that while. I do have that place, a small hillside where I can see the city lights or sometimes it’s the high fire escapes that lets me see the night sky and city lights. What adds to that tranquility are the songs.  It feels comforting. One of the places I feel and know that I belong there and nothing could ever bother me.

 

 

 

 

  • During solo road trips and also during the road trips with friends, the songs that you sing aloud to on the radio or all of you taking chances to play each one your favorite song. Be it any case, but the memories created because of that sing-along moments, won’t you treasure it forever?
  • Songs many a time have helped me to block out fights at home. I sit in a room, plug-in my earphones and listen to the songs that help me escape the screaming wars. It does help for a certain time and then I am back to reality. But that little time is just enough to settle and help me.
  • Songs help me connect with many people and places. There are certain songs that help me cope up with homesickness. Sometimes, when certain songs play, I go back to where I heard the songs and the situations this song has been played in.

 

 

 

  • Listening to the songs that give me the vibes that I look for and need are the best ones to ever exist.
  • Many a time, for the fantasies and stories I create, I use a certain and quite a lot of songs for each mood and different plots because music helps to intesnify and make things a whole of lot of better. My mind creates these fantasies for me to escape reality and well some of them, because I know there are certain dreams and desires that can’t come true, so why not use the powerful tool we have? Our mind, because anything is possible in that tool of ours.

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  • The oldies are one of the best ones to exist. Reflecting back to those times where our parents used to sing along to them and to be honest, they have a really good feel to it.
  • And the songs of the 2000’s damn….. Pop culture simply at it’s best!! Played in every class parties and the radio. Dancing and singing to those hits have always been the joyous moments ever. Listening to them always brings back the nostalgia feel. (PS: Nothing ever stops me from cranking up these old tunes a notch and dancing and singing to them makes me a free bird!! Whipppeeee!!!)

 

 

 

  • Next comes Malayalam songs, gosh They always give me the damn feels every time, I am telling you, in order to bring out the true inner me/malu, just talk to me in Malayalam or play a bunch of malu songs, because that will never fail to unleash the BEASTTTTT!!!! And besides Malayalam songs help me to cope up with my homesickness and just brings me closer to home. They have a magic and spark in them which I can’t find in any other genre.

 

 

 

 

  • Hindi songs also have their moments for me, Gosh. They are the best ones to groove to. Like I said, it’s all about hitting the feels with some songs. It’s also what keeps me through the movies at times, the songs. ( PS: TRUST ME, I WANTED TO UPLOAD MORE GIFS, CAUSE THIS AINT ENOUGH TO REPRESENT BOLLYWOOD, BUT I WAS GOING INTO A CRAZY SPIRAL AFTER SEEING ARJUN RAMPAL AKA THE HOT MAN IN THE GLASSES, SO I HAD TO STOP BEFORE I WENT CO-CO CRAZY!!)

 

 

 

  • AND THENNNNNNN PA TA PA TA PAAAAAAAAAA, THEME/INSTRUMENTAL songs of tv shows and movies, god damnnnnnn!!!! THEY REMIND ME OF THE CRAZY FUN TIMES I USED TO WATCH AND GET SUCKED INTO FANDOMS, THEY ARE LIKE MY INDEPENDENCE SONGS, THE SONGS THAT GIVE YOU THE PROUD FEELING.

 

 

 

 

(CAN’T YOU HEAR THE SONG JUST BLASTING THROUGH THESE GIFS?!)

  • Music helps to connect with new people and also friends and family. Talking to my mom and dad on the music they listened to just makes me feel special. And when I am in those days where I miss them too much, I just listen to those songs and a few Malayalam songs because that’s home for me. Also, with new people and friends, its one of the best things to bond over. Those late night talks played along with some music. Damnnn… Bonding brooooo ( Kenny Sebastian Style)

 

 

 

  • It’s one of the best forms of self-expression and art. Through music, many issues can be raised and we get to know more about feelings and people. Each artist has their way of painting the picture with their music and lyrics.
  • I feel that music is poetry come to life. The lyrics are the captivating words and the beats and the creation is the life that the artist puts into it, to make it come alive.

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  • EDM tho!! That is my favorite. It’s just the beats. I can’t help but be moved every time. Some of my favorites are Night trouble, You and Sunset lover by Peti Biscuit. Those tracks get to me every single damn time. I don’t know why it just gets to me. Some form of magic does exist in that song. I know it and it undeniably can’t be resisted.
  • Discovering new music has a thrill and adventure in itself. You have no clue on what type of obsession and addiction you will get into next.
  • You can hide in these songs. They sort of protect you and know at what limits to stay. It’s a strange thing to say but I think you know what I mean.
  • One can know a lot about the person just by the music they listen to. It’s one of the secrets that hold the key to the mystery of unlocking that person.

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All of these and more are undoubtedly one of the best feelings in the world.

Below I will be attaching the two playlists which hold a part of me. I am hesitant to share it but I want you all to know me well.

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( PS: I change my mind… Ain’t uploading the playlists. I will share only 12 songs out of it. Not all, because who wouldn’t like to maintain that mystery/secrecy about them?!

And besides, I am playing it all risky putting 12 songs because you get to know a tad bit more and also I don’t want to conform to the rule of only 10. MEH, going all rogue.

Soooooooooo, okay here’s the deal, I just really liked these 2 songs and had to put it and I kind of like even numbers and putting everything on an even number. So that’s also there.

There you go, A Fun fact you have learned about me.

 

 

 

)

So, after a long tedious journey, I reveal the songs to you

Ava by Famy

Cool kids by Echosmith

Consequence by Notwist

Reykjavik by Brolin

Are you with me by Lost Frequencies

Lost it to trying by Son Lux

Speeding cars by Walking on cars

Talking body by Tove Lo

Blow your mind by Dua Lipa

Smoke and fire by Sabrina Carpenter

Given the chance by The Kite String Triangle

Stockholm syndrome by One Direction

Eventually I might share more but for now, that’s it.

Each of the song above tells a part of me or gives me the vibe that I need, want and require or each song gives me a memory of various emotions. The surface level is just a mirage to hide that complexion.

” There is too much beneath this complexity. Complexity is a beauty and art in itself. Not that simple is also less, simple isn’t boring. It’s just what I am not looking for.”

(PS: My first draft got deleted, now It’s my second time doing this, GAH and It also took me a lot of willpower to end this blog.)

So, PAPOYE people of the earth!!! ( PS: I know papoye means toy in minion language, but I don’t care and don’t you think it’s appropriate for bye bye or is it just me?! but that doesn’t mean I am gonna change it. So for me, it remains bye bye!!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi!!

To start off, my name is Roshni. And, its been quite some time I have had this thought of blogging in that head of mine. I was lazy the entire time and now I don’t know I just wanna do it because I am really passionate about this. And it’s better to start now than never.

I hope this energy lasts for a lifetime and not just for one week cause that’s how I am. (GREAT, FEW SENTENCES IN AND I AM ALREADY A WRECK.)

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Let me give you a small insight into how I am. This is an answer I struggle to come up with every time when people ask me to describe myself in a few words because few words are never enough to understand the complexities of a person.

So here goes nothing. Hi!!

I am a girl, that’s for starters. I am 19, afraid of turning older second by second. I love to swear and do swear quite a lot. Its registered in my daily system and I can’t seem to function without swearing at least once a day. I am Gemini and I relate to every character trait of my star sign and YES I DO BELIEVE IN HOROSCOPES AND A BIT OF superstitions. (PS: This is either going wonderful or down the drain)

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Now, I am slightly on the shy scale, not shy. I just have an immense dislike for the people of the world. There are certain types of people I am an extrovert to and to the rest of the world, I curl up in a corner and just listen and nod. I do talk as well but not as much as I like because where I am now, I just am not myself.

It’s not being fake if that’s whats going on in your mind. I am me, just not the happiest and slightly more real version I wish to be amongst those people.

I am in university in the UK thousands of miles away from home. Guess, that’s also a factor that goes into counting.

Let’s go back to the roots, shall we? I am from India, more specific, a state called Kerala, often called God’s own country, but I have spent my entire 18 years in the “GULF”, Dubai.

(PS: I often wonder why so, considering how the state and people are? But meh, I love being a mallu, That’s what we are called, MALLUS!! And the “GULF” thing is just another mallu thing!! )

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The first few years of my life, HOW DO I PUT THIS INTO WORDS YOU WILL UNDERSTAND?! Aaaaahh, yes I was a big-time BRAT!! So, as an only child, whatever things my dad used to buy, I used to show it off at school. ( The good old days of Hannah Montana and High School Musical stickers)
(PS: As you keep reading, you will understand how much of a DISNEY/NICKELODEON person I am and you will also see why..)

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After those bratty years faded away, then came the year of waterworks, The year where I cried for everything and became a tad too emotional. Let’s keep it short and brief: That was not a pretty year.

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Then came years 11 and 12, AKA THE BEST YEARS OF MY HIGH SCHOOL LIFE, where I had the chance to break free ( get it, high school musical, GABRIELLA AND TROY’S SONG, BREAKING FREE ) and become the person I always wanted to be. I was quite the extrovert, believe it or not. I was the school prefect, a student counselor, participated in talent shows and debates did impersonations mainly of Mr. Feeny from boy meets world, (a Disney show) for my friends. To put it in simple words, I was like Riley and Maya from Girl meets world (disney show) Every other day, I used to do some crazy shit.  Gosh, I had the best group of friends all my life and then uni came along. ( PS: I do have some really good friends in Uni but you know, I just can’t get to be myself around them, again: NOT BEING FAKE)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT TO YOU THE FEENY CALL, also I will show it to you sometime, LATAAAEERRR

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and then RILEY AND MAYA

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Uni came and then I kind of broke… I really wanted to go to India to study but my dad knew what’s best for me and shipped me off to the UK. Don’t get me wrong, I love studying and being there, its just that place is not me. I never was ready for the change and I still am not. India just spoke to me. I am studying English Literature & Language and I am so grateful to my father for sending me to the UK to study and I owe that to him. I have tried many new things and learned a lot about life, people and basically everything.

But it all came at a cost, I lost a huge part of myself after going there. I cried every day, I still do. It became too much. I just stopped becoming myself, not entirely, just not that real I used to be. Back home, I was the people person, loved making friends, loved just you know being loud and now, I am just not feeling it with anyone over there. Somewhere deep inside, I am slightly a bit unhappy. Now, I just am quiet, well not “quite quiet”. I just don’t know.

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I always felt India college life, like the movie Aaandam, that college life was what I wanted ( WELL THAT’S A MOVIE, YOU ALL WILL SAY, but still, somewhat like that) Cause all my friends who are in India well, they are just living that life I wanted and it kind of makes me sad.

I felt that was going to be better for me, in terms of people and basically the social life but then coming to think of it, its the education that matters and I am happy that my dad sent here. (PS: I have been saying this quite a lot, I don’t know if I am trying to convince myself. Like I said, I am still taking some time and adjusting to it.)

But really , I am so thankful and greatful to him and a bit happy cause the freedom to do anything MAHN, THATS THE BEST!!

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So what I want to say, is people and places change people. That’s the circle of life. ( I got this from an episode in Girl Meets World, a Disney show.) The UK and the people brought out another me, a me that is different from the real me, and Dubai and my friends brought out the real me. The me that I always want to be and I always am.

That me comes out when I am alone and when I am with certain friends. I love to dance and sing ( NOT GREAT AT IT AT ALL, COULDNT EVEN DO THAT FOR A LIVING IF IT COMES TO THAT) I love acting. I feel like I am good at it. I am a tad bit on the dramatic scale, like not the bad drama, the crazy Disney drama. I love me the person who I can be crazy and real with and also they should feel the same, and I am glad I have found some of them!!

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I LOVE CARTOONSSSS and let me tell you, no matter what, the cartoons of my generation are the best!! COURAGE THE COWARDLY DOG, JHONNY BRAVO, KIDS NEXT DOOR, MR BEAN, PAPOYE THE SAILOR MAN, there is just too much of goodness.

I AM GOOFY, WEIRD, SILLY, VERY CLUMSY. I like cooking a bit. I love to write and READDDDD!!! BOOKS AND FANDOMS ARE A HUGE PART OF ME!! TV SHOWS, MOVIES AND MUSIC HAVE SHAPED ME A LOT.

The above two paragraphs are for another time, cause if I start talking about that, I don’t think we will ever hear the end of it.

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What else I am missing in this character description?!

Aaaahhh, yes last but not the least, I love my family way too much and a few of my friends. I love memes, midnight talks and rides, music and walks in the dark. I want to travel to everywhere. I like to see the sunrise. I love those scenes like the ending of perks of being a wallflower and I deeply wish that would happen to me Someday. I love the supernatural stuff ( NOT GHOSTS/DEMONS) I am not a fan of confrontation and speaking the bitter truths. Sometimes, I have these dark messy thoughts in my brain and I like it cause there is a beauty in the dark.

I like to believe we all are different in our own ways. Sometimes unique, sometimes common. I believe in my faiths.

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So, on the top of my mind, I think I have covered the half of it. If there is more, well, I am not going anywhere any time soon or neither is this website.

So, bye folks, I hope you are not exhausted reading this. If you are, I sincerely apologize and now you know how the rest of my posts are gonna be.

 

To conclude, I am gonna end in a Bollywood filmy dialogue.

” Yeh toh sirf trailer hai, picture abhi baaki hai mere dost”

( Meaning: This is just the trailer, the movie is still left, my friend.)

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Bye!!