I can do fine or maybe good by myself, but not great

As I was getting ready to sleep, this thought popped up into my mind and got me thinking the above. 

I simply cannot understand how only the nights are set out to get these thoughts from me. How is it that the nights are only capable to question the deepest thoughts man mind is afraid to be alone with? How is that in the nights, I have to confront them?  So rather than going to sleep and forgetting about them the next morning, I decided to sit down and write every thought that came to me.

This is what came to me.

I can do fine or maybe good by myself but not great.

You know what makes it great. It is the family, the friends and the world I live in that make it great.

You give me a laptop and good wi-fi connection, I will be alright by myself. You give an apartment, a job with money, I can go out and travel and live by myself without the need for human conatct to bring me joy. I can spend days just being with it but in order for my life to be great, I need my family and my friends.

The world is a companion that I need when I am alone. I need the world so that I can step out and go for many walks. I need the world so that there is something I can go and discover. 

I need them all so that I can still try and live my great life. I need it all to give me the drive I want and still have.

I am an introvert. I like very specific people and can only express who I authentically am just with them. They bring out the me. With different people, I am a different and authentic self. Some of my friends may not see the side I am with the other people I spend my time with.

That is the thing with me. I guess it can be the thing with everyone. I never show the whole 100 percent. I guess I want to hide that part or maybe I just haven’t been comfortable to show it to you. Keeping that part of myself, just to myself makes me happy. A secret only I know.

I can still live good being by myself in this world but still I need my family and best friends to keep the 50 percent human in me. 

I know this sounds selfish, it is all about me, but when you come to think of it, why do we form friendships, why do we love? It is all for ourselves, to make us happy. These people give us happiness and love and that is why we want them in our lives. I like them because I like spending my time with them. Watching them happy makes me happy.

I guess we all are selfish but it is the good kind of selfish. The kind of selfish where we deserve happiness and love for ourselves and the world.

I need them to balance my life.

I need them because I want to shower them with love and I also want to be showered with love.

I need them so that I am aware of life and what is real. 

I need them to know what is right and what is wrong. I need them to keep my moral compass alive and good.

I need them so that I can learn all sorts of things.

I need them for many of the memories I want to make. I need them because I still want to live this life of love and happiness I lead.

I need them because they are there for me and I for them. 

I need these bonds so that I am not alone in this journey of life. 

I need them for me. 

I need them to exist. 

In the moment

Monday, July 2nd, 2018          11: 21pm

I mentioned the time and date to state that this blog was an on spur feeling.

Got inspired to write this piece after watching Dear Zindagi, a brilliant and one of my favorite Hindi movies and also from Zindagi Na Milegi Doobara (ZNMD), that I am currently watching. Right now, the intro song is being played, and damn it’s a really motivating song and just flows into my mood right now.

Both these movies have excellent start casts and what just makes it better and so simple yet unique is the plot, the character development and the stories.

Then it got me thinking about my life, family and friends. How I wish to acquire certain traits of those characters and how I want to find friends like those. But then, I already know that I have found them. They have been with me my whole life, but you know I still can’t help but wonder about the movie characters and how splendid it would be to be a close tight group of friends with them. There is always a but lurking around, I am trying to let go of that but, but again it becomes hard, but I am trying. Eventually, it might fade away but it also might not.

The below two gifs are of Dear Zindagi and ZNMD respectively.

 

 

 

 

 

Right now the “cookie comedy scene” is going on and I have got to tell you it’s hilarious. I have got to try the trick sometimes. The trick is you tell someone that you know something about them and automatically all the secrets spill out like a water fountain!! I am laughing so hard at this scene and the dialogue delivery so much!!

I have had so many moments like these with my friends, not the tricky sort of thing but happy silly special goofy serious conversations and I am telling you, I wouldn’t trade it up ever. Those have made me who I am.

Sometimes, I wish some of the people I know could also see it but then well, I just don’t feel or connect with them that entire 100%. It’s not them. It’s me. You know what I mean right?

So after I had gone to uni, I have heard some pretty great stories from my various people and friends, when they ask me about the “great fun stories” I have had, I don’t have much to tell them because it’s nowhere near as bomb or exciting as their life stories. But you know what, that doesn’t make me upset of the fact that I don’t have such great stories to share.

In my own way and life, I have plenty of stories to share, I just don’t think those are the types you would particularly like or you might but well it just never comes up. I have shared some of them but to some people, it just doesn’t seem well exciting when compared. And honestly I kind of feel bad and sad for those kinds of people who think that life needs to be filled with exciting and big stories to bond over and talk about or to determine whether my life has been interesting or not. Maybe I haven’t seen a side to them that don’t think so but the side I have seen, well I am not a fan of it.

In my own little head, despite however small or big that story is, it is significant, and we shouldn’t be the judges to decide whether that qualifies as to how exciting or interesting or productive our lives have been.

For me, it’s the small moments, conversations I have with friends, the hangouts, the family talks, the small family stories and incidents, my cartoon watching obsession, my immaturity and small moments like these, watching movies and laughing, crying over them alone, with family and friends, travelling, creating up insane shit, writing and many more are my big stories. I am proud of it.

I wish I could tell it to them you know, but then I just can’t muster up the courage to tell them because I just don’t feel that close or real with them, but, when writing, it’s just so easy and different.

Words and feelings pour into this and I feel at peace. My mind is almost free because I write every thought that is popping into my brain and then my hands without thinking just write down every one of these thoughts onto this. You must have noticed, I said “almost free”, I said this because I am still on the firsts of opening up and learning to be not scared of the people/friends and their judgments/confrontations after reading this.

It’s going to be tough but I am trying to learn and be well more one step closer to trying to sort out myself. When I feel like just abandoning this train of sorting myself out, I am going to remind myself to come back and read this and understand why I decided to write and do this.

I was always serious about writing, but I was just too lazy and well I didn’t know exactly what to write about. I had different phases of writing, and they are all evident on my Instagram page, the page that shows an entire development of myself. That’s why I love my bio so much because it shows the growth of me as a person and well as a writer. One of the places where I can be myself and not be afraid, considering how ironic it is that many people follow and see this goofiness that in person with them, I cant give my 100% “Roshniness” to them.

At least I am glad that there are some very few people I could show it to and be like that. I am so thankful and happy for that.

So why I decided to write now?

Because I am ready and it feels right now. It feels relaxing to let it all flow into my writing. My thoughts are set free and well, I have been keeping things in way too long after I had gone to uni and this writing has started to feel like a new start to opening up and more like therapy for me as well. It feels meditating.

As I was reading through my piece, I didn’t justify or give you a proper reason as to why those movies inspired me to write this at this time while watching the movie right now.

It’s because there are some things that need to be done in the moment. This happened to be just one of those “in the moments”

I will tell you in more detail on why Dear Zindagi to me is a movie that just connect to me and why ZNMD makes me wish for certain things. Both these movies have a vibe and connect to them that I just feel at home at.

By now you will understand, my thoughts are like the wind, scattered all over the place and blowing in every different direction. Like the direction the way, it flows from slow to fast. It’s just unpredictable and sort of random. Again, just like how I feel and my thoughts. My thoughts jump from one cloud to another, each varying of a different topic and sometimes the same, just slightly different or maybe the same.

Actually, I will tell you right now on why those two movies especially Dear Zindagi hits me to the feels.

I believe that when one is in the zone, you should just let them flow with it and soak it in. Don’t interrupt them. Then you speak and then be in the zone. Let everyone be in the zone. ( It works differently in different situations and is also applicable in certain situations. You know when.)

The movie has no relation to my life whatsoever, but you know there is a special and different kind of connect that I get. I learned quite a lot from that movie and when I feel down, I sometimes watch that movie to well learn and be happy. The song ” Love you dear Zindagi” is the song that gives me genuine happiness and positivity. That song and the other songs and the movie itself does wonder to me.

Right now, in ZNMD, the diamond biscuit song is going to be sung in a few seconds and I can’t help but laugh because of a very fond memory that I had in school.

Why so, it’s because my friends and myself sang this song as a school project maybe in 8th grade. The same concept and tune. Gosh, it was so fun. When I still watch it, I laugh and cringe so much. Like that one more video ad comes to my mind, my 12th-grade marketing project about Netflix. The ad I made, god it was so awkward and made me, my partner, the class and my teacher laugh so hard that they watched it again because they couldn’t get over it.

See, these are the big stories and moments of life. It’s the everyday laughter and smiles that result to some of these big ones.

In ZNMD, the concept of friendship is what got to me the most, reminds me of my best friends from school, the ones that are always going to be my best special closestttttt friends and no one new ever has been added to that list despite the number of new good friends I have made. It’s just that group knows me in and out, and it just feels right being it that way. The song ” Paint it red” in ZNMD is just proving to be so nostalgic right now.

Right now, at this very moment, I am in my zone and there is nothing to stop the words to flow out from me. I am being free.

So as I was saying about ZNMD, that three friends reminds me of my special girls S and A, because I want to respect the privacy. So we all are the only children and my dad thinks that’s the way how we all became really close and just connected. Ever since 4th grade, we have become inseparable. I can’t remember exactly when we all just stuck and got together cause it’s honestly been ages and way too long. It’s still going strong. We have planned to do a trip like the one that they did in movies either to Shimla or somewhere else. Waiting for that “someday” to happen.

And like that pact, there is one more pact that I had made with my other group of musketeers, to sneak back to our old school grounds, sit on the fields, talk late in the night. I am waiting for that “someday” to happen as well with K,D and D.

Like that, I have a bucket list of moments and wishes I have. That’s for another time.

It’s 12:20 and I am going to stop writing now. Time for me to watch the rest of the movie.

See you soon, amigos!!