Let me paint you a picture here. A picture of what I did. I roamed around these streets filled with skyscrapers that soared up so high in the sky. I knew they are so high because I simply could not get them all to fit in one frame on the shot I wanted to take. I feel oddly at home even though the home I once was in was miles away. I felt at home when I came here, I guess it was those big blue windows that reflected light made it home. It was perhaps those big skyscrapers in the city and the bay front I once knew of made it home. After admiring the building, I walked along the bay, A view that needed admiration. Everything lining up waiting to be awed and gawked upon. I took selfies of myself being happy and silly to capture these moments, so that when I look back on these pictures, I am able to remember the moment and what I liked to do. Looking at the water, then onto the buildings and the statues felt pleasant and calm. It gave me a whiff of nostalgia and provided me with the city magic I needed. I was alone in this adventure of mine. Right beside the bay walk, there was a small green ground where the food festival was about to take place. I saw families, friends, couples walk hand in hand smiling and admiring. I liked the presence of myself. I could not create any chaos or unhappiness to myself in such places. I admire being in them but could not help on how it would feel if I were to be with family, friends or a lover. A moment of happiness couldn't seem to last longer than a few minutes before the storm hits my family. It doesn't happen all time but it happens. I wasn't keen on taking that chance, not today. I saw people eat the delicacies from different stalls with their friends and family. Enjoying and laughing, having a good time. Being around this whole celebration and looking at it made me feel awkward. It made me feel like I was supposed to be with someone, anyone just so that I could pass as someone blending with the crowd. I then looked around if there were people like me, alone and enjoying. Not a lot were there but yes, there were some. I realized then, why am I being so bothered about this? I am having fun and enjoying. Isn’t that the point after all? Why risk bringing a factor that could cause you to frown and worry? The past and the present has made me afraid to bring along a family along with these adventures. My happiness fades away as soon as a dispute occurs. It happens quite commonly. Sometimes I think it is me. I think I could be the reason these moments of unhappiness occur. The past and the present are continuously proving so. This is why I venture out alone, not that I don’t mind it most of the times, but sometimes when it gets lonely, it is good to have a hand with you. I look out to the world and then look at the other people Is it something that’s wrong with me or am I just different with my approach? I wish I had something of that sorts. This is all I know This is what I know how to do I was right after all. I ended up to go on and have a great time being in the celebrations. It was because there was no one in that present moment who was capable to ruin my happiness and contentment I felt. For a fact I know that I love to explore by myself and I can do it wherever and whenever. There is a unique fun that lies in that. You are the controller of the day, if you screw up you have no one else to blame but yourself. There is no one to pin point and blame you for the mistakes caused. No sort of remarks to bring you down. You get to do what you want and manipulate the day to your likings. It is all you and some times it is good.
This is a series, each piece with its own title and different lines.
You can read or approach it any way you would, but my personal recommendation is to stick with it from the beginning until the very end. It helps with the exploration of the journey.
I hope you all stick till the very end and I would love to see how you feel about it.
Thank you and now you may begin the journey…
Do you feel it too?
Do you feel your urges pinning you down into submission
Do you feel you want to let that energy burst into a million fragments
When watching a movie or listening to a song or reading a story, do you feel you are in it savoring every moment of it
Do you feel you are with the character by their side or just as an observer from far
Do you feel that closeness take over you
Do you feel at times you want to be that character
When watching those intimate scenes with your favorite actors, do you feel or do you wish it was you being with them by their side
Or in a song or in a book, do you feel you want to live it too?
Do you create dreams and stories to feel everything you want to feel knowing it could never be achieved in reality
Do you feel that strong urge as I do pushing me to do things
Do you feel that you have always wanted to do a monologue
The ones where you sit and watch in the movies where the actor or the actress talks to you or the audience in front of them
In that dim lit room and that one chair standing admist the space
The one ray of light shows how vulnerable you are in that moment
It shows how weak you have become or how strong you wish to be
It shows the front you finally had to face but it only shows it to you or probably it shows to those people who have a keen inquisitive eye
I feel like being in those moments every day or at least once where I have that light shone upon me and out I reveal that monologue that will enchant you forever
I imagine myself in a different avatar when I do it
I imagine strange and new faces not the old ones I am so used to seeing
I want to present this to the people of the unknown
This is how I want you to remember me
I want to invent and create versions of myself in the times I am talking to you through this monologue
This is how I want to live
This is how I create that impact I envisioned in my mind
This is what I want you to be fascinated with…
To Be Continued…
In the admits of the clouds flying and soaring high amongst different shades of colours. I see all possibilities of a happy time but none can comfort me at this moment.
Right now I am in a moment of nervousness and sadness. Even if it was coming to Dubai for 4 days for an urgent matter, it felt out of place.
I should be happy going back to home for at least a small time shouldn’t I, but then why am I not?
The night before the journey
I was afraid to sleep, so I drank a cup of coffee and I usually never drink coffee because I have always found a bitterness to it but now that was what I needed to stay awake throughout the night.
I spent the night watching 3 of my favorite movies and eating snacks.
I took a puff to calm myself down, and it helped for a bit but then I fell back to the same old system again
It took me some time to adjust myself to the routine I made for myself. I was interested to go for my classes this year because I got to choose the modules I wished and wanted.
I was interested because I got into a good volunteering program and it upsets me to know that I won’t be there for the first meeting of the project.
I did not want to leave the life and my friends just for four days that would disrupt my whole life pattern.
I was trying to be happy, going back to my mom, that’s one bonus I am acquiring and her home made food, but I still am not calm about it. I also had the chance to meet two of my best friends after a long time and I got to admit, this was the best highlight.
And I know once I reach, I will find it hard to come back to Uni because that’s just me.
Once I land Dubai, I know it’s going to take everything in me not to fall apart and wish to stay there for as long as possible. I would wish and pray for those 4 days not to end and on the day of departure, I would be a wreck and I need to start adjusting myself again.
This is the process that I hate and absolutely despise.
But I find myself ready to come back to Uni, I am preparing myself.
Not to cry, not to fall apart. That’s the power of home, once you even take a step into it, you are gravitated right into the center and it would take all your wits and mights to break free from the force.
The moment the plane landed in Dubai
I knew the timer started to set for my return to UK and that’s the hardest part but now I am calm with it
Listening to some good songs helped me out and whilst I am here I am going to try and not focus on that
Uni ain’t that bad and I am finding it really lit and happy this year, and I can finally call it home because of the place and the people who made it special but, there will always be that but.
The day to leave
A few hours left to go.
I am feeling alright, not great but exisiting and being alright.
I am excited to get back to the routine that I have made for myself. I am eager to study, be with my friends, make notes, be in my room and have my alone time.
At the moment, an overwhelming surge of sadness and heart break has taken over me. Leaving my mom and Dubai never became easier.
But this is all for the best.
What we go through now, it’s all helping us prepare for a greater change and life. All these emotions, feelings and changes are my lessons. I am trying real hard to be the type of student who learns from it and use it at some point in life. Or just learn and deal with it for the fun of doing it.
– Roshni Marath Jairaj