Trying this new thing

Hey everyone, this is me Roshni and I am here to tell you that I am trying out this new thing I have written about. It’s quite a piece and I am approaching with it in a different manner.

Over the course of the next days, I will be posting that piece bit by bit and I hope some sort of effect might be achieved through this. I hope the effect that I crave for might get achieved and I would love to see your feedback and comments to it

I was inspired to write this piece, more so I felt I should write this piece after watching Ex-Machina. I did not write it immeidately after the movie, I just couldn’t get my slumber and then that happened.

Thank you for being there in this journey and thank you for your reads, follows and likes and I appreciate it so much.

Thank you all once again and I really hope you all like it.

Shatters and Breaks

I had written this down when I had to say goodbye to my best friend Raveena after my holidays ended. This happened around 2017. This was the last time we met each other before I left for UK and it hurts every single time when I leave her because she is such a special person in my life that I never want to let go…

She tried to not let it get to her, she tried to not let it tear her apart

One more cut on that fine piece of heart, and she would be done…

The other one reassured it would all be fine but deep down, she knew the course of time and events would always be different.

There would always be that pain lingering around in the air smirking on us and feeding on us wherever we would wind up. That pain was one of the common links between us…

It was never the end but just a semi colon in the journey that now took a turn to a different road, a road that was going to lead her into a different abyss 

She couldn’t help but not let her go, but she had to

She couldn’t help but watch her leave and wish for a few more minutes with her 

She was one of those treasures she always needed to have by her side.

She tuned it all out and did what she thought she was best at, she made a choice to throw herself into the world of words, a world she had a hold on and understood. It was deep, so deep but she knew what it meant or so she thought 

As she saw her through slip away from her through those doors, she couldn’t help but think, “ Why?” 

She turned back to her desperate addiction, her words and then flowed out every raw thing she felt and here is how it went… 

“ In that one last time, it was just us amongst the billions who stood 

It was just us and what we felt 

I try to capture every bit of her in my mind before she leaves our small world

Words were spoken and it hurt thinking this would be the last of it all

As I said the last word, I heard her voice amongst the crowd reassuring me

But I could hear the voice break 

In that break held the pain and the sadness we felt

I was a glass and so was she 

Then there was the hammer 

That flung upon us and shattered us into millions of tiny pieces

Scattered everywhere in ourselves

It was all there in me, but I never knew how to fix it all back 

Right now, I stand here staring at the people in front of me and I do not know what to think or do, So I slip off into the cracks of the world I have built for myself.

A protective shield engulfs me, and once in that field, one could see the specks of every feeling I had floating around. It all hurt 

But I am glad I held on to you and never let go 

You would always be my forever in a world of momentary…

It hurts to be human, doesn’t it?

Waking up to a good mood

Very few are those days where you delightfully wake up to a good start. I am having one of those days right now. Living and breathing it.

Today is a Wednesday and usually, Wednesday’s are my day off but I had lost that privilege because of an internship I am doing. No complaints but I really do miss having a holiday in the middle of the week after all those lectures. That one day off to unwind, relax and catch up.

This blog post was an impromptu one, I needed to remember this day and how it felt. I wanted all of you to know that days like these do exist and can be created by us. Some of the factors in the universe can be controlled by us, some of them…

So naturally, I knew this day was going to be good because it’s a holiday and for the first time I felt so relaxed at the start of the day. An appointment that I had today or so I thought was actually on March 19th. So when I heard that news as well, my heart and body were so elated because I was able to stay at home, read, listen to some music and watch some Netflix and youtube.

The day starts off right after you get the sleep of your heart’s content. After scrolling through my phone it was high time for me to get out from the comfort of my bed and take a calming warm shower and wash my greasy hair. Listening to music whilst in the shower was another privilege because I could soak it all in, the layers of music and thoroughly enjoy it. You know you are living life through simple joys like these.

After the shower, one puts on clothes, and as soon as I opened the curtains, I was welcomed with the warmest of sunrays, so warm and so cold on my skin. I looked out and saw the streets unwind; some of the people bustling out on the streets and with the window ajar a bit, I let the wind caress my hair. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the serendipity of it all.

Now, I did not want this brightness to slip away into the dark. I did not want to lose it like how the tears got lost in the rain. I wanted to bask in it for as long as possible. So what to do indeed was the question?

Rather than loafing around, I decided to include fragments of what makes me happy and I also wanted to get the most of it. So I decided to combine happiness with work. Doing my reading for university and writing for fun. Combining both of my interests to turn this day into a happy and a good one.

You could try as this well, combing what you love and what you love in your work and I hope that it helps you create a good day. With some music as well, I guarantee it’s going to be bliss. It’s important to have that good music because they inspire you in so many ways and they can also sometimes be the sole responsibility of either shaping or breaking your mood.

These days might get lost in the memory as time goes on, I would not expect myself to remember these days but having them and living through them is what can get us through life. To play and be in that role is important because it is vital to remind ourselves, there are good days.

As I struggle to find the words to end this, I am thinking as to what more I can give you without pushing you away or you mentally or physically rolling your eyes at me.

So as I am listening to The Morning Stroll playlist on Spotify, I know how to end this now.

 

Enjoy life, take a break to pause, reflect and be in it. Take a break to be happy do what makes you happy. Bask it all in. Step out into the sunshine and let that do the work. Let yourself be in it. 


-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Somewhere along the past…

( I do not remember when I wrote this, but when I read it, I knew this was me at one stage in life, probably around last year or might be in 2017 and I was helpless…

When I am stuck in moments like these, words pour out of me without myself putting any thought into it. I write and write until my heart and mind are pleased or relieved… When I later read those pieces, I am often astonished by the depth, seriousness and introduces me to a new side I haven’t met before. This side of me stays hidden and comes out when I am in deep thoughts or stuck in moments where everything fails except for words…

I have never felt more like a stranger to my own self when I read this.

I have decided to post more of these and express myself more for myself… I do not want to hide behind my fears… )

 

What has become of me? Right now at this very moment, I am confused and in a dilemma at all times. I am in a tough spot some of the times, maybe the majority of them. The world and the people in it are all a puzzle now. I seem to not understand what makes me me. It all seemed so simple back then, what happened now?

I can assure you it’s not life what has happened. Something else has changed and I can’t seem to put a finger on which part of the equation I have to fix in order to get out of this hole.

It was all easy a few moments before and now in the blink of an eye, I seem to be standing at no crossroad. I now stand at a path with various disruptions and continuations to many other paths. These new places and people confuse and intrigue me, reinventing myself at this point is not what I look for right now.

I feel like I have changed for the good in some aspects of myself. Change is a risk.

I would like to think it’s been good yet a tough ride to self discovery and achieving. I am honestly tired of it all.

Everything is a constant change.

Never have I felt more alone and complete at this point. I feel vulnerable yet strong somewhere along the lines.

I tend to finally feel at peace when I listen to songs that my soul cries out to in the nights.

Solace and quietness is what I look forward to now.

I feel like I have been real this entire while but there is also a constant void and lost sense of feeling that always lurks around. This feeling has partially consumed my body.

It won’t take too long for it to completely dissolve within myself.

I have brought out these new feelings in me which I am not used to. For the better or the worse, I do not know.

The most beautiful heartbreaking feeling in this universe is to keep all those pouring soul tearing emotions and thoughts in.

I want to tell it out but I don’t know how and I feel like I would lose some part of myself if I do that.

I have so many contradictions within me. There are so many undiscovered aspects of myself I want to know about.

Home has now become a confusing word. I feel nowhere at home except in the arms of my mom.

I wish I could hold onto everything that I love and not let it go.

I am tired of questioning myself. These questions now seem to wear me out.

Insecurities, fears, doubts have now established as a strong foundation in this body of mine and the process of discovering who I am beneath all this is in its works and is a long way.

There is a void in me which I don’t know how to fill

After all, Nothing is ever as it seems with me.

Why do time and life have to get in the way of it all?

 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Thoughts

In this world, there are millions of people out there. Every second, every minute, on the streets, I see people out, all sorts of people living their stories in this world. It just dawned upon me today while having dinner with my friend.

What if I could be a friend to each and every person in the world out there? Maybe that’s a bit too much. What if I knew every person and their story? What would I do knowing it? I figure it might be a bit too tedious for my brain to handle.

If I hadn’t met her at uni, what would happen, of the memories, of the bond, of it all? Then I got thinking to the other people in my life. It’s an intense and disturbing thought that often troubles me when I have it. Many thoughts that I have are intense and distrbuing but some of the thoughts people find disturbing, I find it to be exciting.

What would have happened if I wouldn’t have met my friends? Would I meet the people who I would like? Would I be truly alright?  Would I have shared the same sort of connection? It has to be fate and destiny right? Or is it us just moving on and going with the flow?

What if I lived another life in another country with a different background and setting? Maybe I would just meet other people, make best friends there, probably change and learn something about myself.

While eating, we talked. We talked about life and the struggles. We all have them, don’t they? Everyone has their own struggles and problems, some worse than the rest of the world. But it doesn’t mean that what we have is also not worse. It’s worse in our own way.

tumblr_o5ezk2Etu91r9ng48o1_500

Why do some people struggle more in their life than others? Some people might have it all, and still, they seem to lack something or the other. Also, I often see that why does bad stuff happen to good people often?

What is this way of life? I see that some people despite being so kind and so generous, they tend to have the worst of the earth’s hits on them and the bad often gets away with it at times, or many of the times.

So when do they pay for this? At the time of death or after death?

I see it in my own life. We all get consequences for the actions we commit and do, and it pains me to see them happen in my own family. Some people do deserve it but seeing them struggle through it hurts me.

 

A random thought

I just finished watching Blackmirror- Bandersnatch that my best friend recommended and holy mother forking shirt balls, it is one of the brilliantly made movies I have watched in a long time, you get to choose your own choices and your own end to the film. I tried out all the possible ends, but I do have two left which I can’t wait to discover. I just feel that whatever end I choose, it’s grim. I have tried to discover a happy ending but it simply doesn’t exisit, and if it does exisit in the show, that’s simply not the end. It’s a false lie to make you feel better for yourself and the character. That’s all what it truly is.

I do not wish to spoil it for the people but have your minds ready to be forking amazed and baffled and tricked by.

I have always loved Black Mirror because it makes you think and ponder about everything in life and about the things you have never doubted but will start to when you watch this show. It’s a very interesting and unique take on the world, it’s technology. This show makes you think and question so much. Some of the episodes are merely frightening because you know there are the chances of it happening. Every episode in black mirror is different, so you have the option of watching any episode from any season because it’s not connected.

Watching Black Mirror does make you question everything of our existence and what the future holds for us.

It’s a brilliant show that deserves all the hype. 

 

I have many thoughts on different things, feelings, objects, the world, people, concepts and so much more that I just cannot hold onto. Every thought that I have connects to an other, and it just keeps going on and linking and latching onto every possibility it gets. I do not know how I do it, don’t we all?

We find our minds skipping to one thing and then to another. It’s a game of hopscotch, I tell you. 

– Roshni Marath Jairaj

2018, what a year!

A lot has changed over the last year, and I am going to take you guys and myself through the year’s journey. I decided to do this for myself because I wanted to know, discover and be greatful for what has happened and also learn.

So here we go!!

 

What has happened over the last year? 

1 year of completion towards my degree done. 2 years left. Year 2 going on. Wow, time moves fast.

2018 is the year where I am going to be a teenager for the last time before I hit the big 20. My teenage years come to an end and I have to welcome the 20’s and adulthood offically…

Got my first tattoo done on my wrist on March 14!! That was exciting and I can’t believe it’s been that short. I thought I got it done last year but apparently not. More tattoos to come.

 

I have got a placement as an achievement coach in one of the schools that starts next year, 2019.  Bonus: I am also getting paid. It’s a start people and I am excited for what’s more to come.

Did an internship for Young Times, a children’s magazine owned by one of the leading newspapers, Khaleej Times in Dubai. I was a writer for the magazine and damn it felt proud to see my name under the pieces that went in the magazine.

MET DULQUER SALMAAN!!!!!! MY BIGGEST FAVOURITE MOST ADMIRABLE ACTOR/HERO OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!! THIS WAS THE BIGGEST HIGHLIGHT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!! IT WAS MY LIFE LONG DREAM AND IT HAPPENED. 29th July, you will always carry a special place in my heart!! Thank you to my best friend Raveena for being there with me throughout. Waited there with me for 8 hours and the wait was worth it because I got to meet and also side hug him!! Whenever I go back to that day, I am always in disbelief, shock and the happiest!! It was the best!!

Screenshot 2018-12-13 at 22.46.26.png

Gave a surprise to my best friend Raveena when I went to Dubai unexpectedly. Her reaction was to die for and it was my first time giving and planning a surprise for my best friend.   It was legend……. wait for it DARY!!!!

Met my best friends after a long time and we had the most amazing fun!! Gosh, what I would give to go back to those days!! But I am living life and moving with the flow of making new memories and more.

Started my blog and I am very happy with where it’s going and what I am doing. I love the pieces that I have put and I am glad people like it!! I thank all the 77 people that follow me and I soon hope to hit a 100 by the end of the year, but if not, that’s alright because I am happy that I have made it this far!!

Part of the Impact magazine of the university!! So I do write for them online. That included covering an event which was very exciting. I took over their Instagram, it was pretty cool and dope.

My mom and dad came to the UK, it’s a big thing because it’s our first time as a family that we all went abroad in the 19 years of my life. It wasn’t particularly a holiday, they came here to help me move into my flat but it was pretty dope, memorable and the best!! My mom was so happy and joyous and it was so good seeing her that happy!! It was her dream to come here and I was so happy that it came true!!

IMG_0154.JPG

Tried new things, enjoyed some and also not.

Watched loads of movies over the last few months and I am so proud of myself because I love watching and discovering new movies!! It’s very interesting to see stories, concepts come alive and some of the movies that I have watched have jumped into my all-time favorite movies list. Also watched some new shows.

Listened and discovered different songs and artists. Made my playlist that I dearly love and enjoy!! It’s such a huge moment and an accomplishment. I feel proud and on top of the world.

Listening to podcasts and reading the news a bit more because I want to be aware of what happens around the world and want to gain a bit more knowledge.

I have learned more about what to do, improving my self and how I work.

Met new people, made some good friends with them. Enjoying it all.

Being a bit more social but also having the alone time that I need.

Been productive most of the time and I am happy about it.

I have learned how to cope up more with my emotions and still learning.

Experimented with my hair by dip dyeing it and I loved every breathing living minute of it!! Then finally switched to highlighting my hair with dark brown. I am glad and happy to say, I have found my colour and this colour is it!!

 

 

Had quite some lows with friends, but with time going by, I became better and now we are all good. Better friendships and connections have been made with people I never expected I would be that good friend with. It’s all in the process.

Haven’t read many books yet apart from the books I was supposed to read for my course. But I have done alright. Tried, but will do better in the next year.

LOST MY PHONE, which was one of the biggest low of my 2018. I learnt my lesson the hard way, sometimes these things are meant to happen, but I still will never understand why.

Went for a Beyonce and Jay-Z concert! It was lit AF and it kind of got me into rap but I am not a huge fan of Rap. So, that’s a start to something new.

Went to the Harry Potter Studios in London and it was a dream come true!! I bought myself Hermonie’s wand, Gryffindor’s shirt, robe, flag and pins!! It was quite the fortune but totally worth it because I had my costume ready for this Haloween!! A Wizard!!

Went for Winter Wonderland with my best friend, I am scared about roller coasters and rides and I did it. It felt liberating and frightening. One step closer or many steps away from not letting them win me over. Thank you Urjiva for being there and for always trying to kill me by making me do these things. And Bahaha I look cute in this pic and so do you!!

IMG_1258

The Goose Fair of Nottingham, 2018!! It was the best and with the best people, it was one of the most amazing experinces I had. These are the memories and days I live for.

IMG_0445.JPG

Celebrated Diwali 2018 in Lesicter with my friends!! It was fucking lit!! The fire works, burtsing crackers, the rain, the streets, the gaintwheel. It feels good.

IMG_1135.JPG

Had the best sleepover with my best friend Raveena and it was her first sleepover with me!! So it feels really special!!

And also met my best friend Dale after so long and caught up with her!! It feels the best to catch up with your best friends after so long!!

Cooking, learning how to cook better. Still doing the adult life, feeling the independence, the rush, learning the struggles and still doing it.

So many good movies came out and I got to watch them!! I am so grateful for it!! AND ALSO DRUMMMROLLLLLLL,    Many new trailers came out for the movies I have been waiting and dying for and they are so worth it!!! FOR EXAMPLE AVENGERS ENDGAME!!!!  Gosh, it was emotionally so worked up!! I loved every bit of it and this was just a teaser trailer!! Imagine what the trailer would be like!!

So that is my 2018 wrapped. 

How was yours? I would love to know what you guys were upto, do share down below in the comments 

 

 

-Roshni Marath Jairaj

Signing off and I will see on 2019 right over here and I won’t be leaving any time soon. 

 

 

Thoughts in the sky

In the admits of the clouds flying and soaring high amongst different shades of colours. I see all possibilities of a happy time but none can comfort me at this moment.

Right now I am in a moment of nervousness and sadness. Even if it was coming to Dubai for 4 days for an urgent matter, it felt out of place.

I should be happy going back to home for at least a small time shouldn’t I, but then why am I not?

 

The night before the journey

I was afraid to sleep, so I drank a cup of coffee and I usually never drink coffee because I have always found a bitterness to it but now that was what I needed to stay awake throughout the night.

I spent the night watching 3 of my favorite movies and eating snacks.

I took a puff to calm myself down, and it helped for a bit but then I fell back to the same old system again

It took me some time to adjust myself to the routine I made for myself. I was interested to go for my classes this year because I got to choose the modules I wished and wanted.

I was interested because I got into a good volunteering program and it upsets me to know that I won’t be there for the first meeting of the project.

I did not want to leave the life and my friends just for four days that would disrupt my whole life pattern.

I was trying to be happy, going back to my mom, that’s one bonus I am acquiring and her home made food, but I still am not calm about it. I also had the chance to meet two of my best friends after a long time and I got to admit, this was the best highlight.

And I know once I reach, I will find it hard to come back to Uni because that’s just me.

Once I land Dubai, I know it’s going to take everything in me not to fall apart and wish to stay there for as long as possible. I would wish and pray for those 4 days not to end and on the day of departure, I would be a wreck and I need to start adjusting myself again.

This is the process that I hate and absolutely despise.

But I find myself ready to come back to Uni, I am preparing myself.

Not to cry, not to fall apart. That’s the power of home, once you even take a step into it, you are gravitated right into the center and it would take all your wits and mights to break free from the force.

 

 The moment the plane landed in Dubai 

I knew the timer started to set for my return to UK and that’s the hardest part but now I am calm with it

Listening to some good songs helped me out and whilst I am here I am going to try and not focus on that

Uni ain’t that bad and I am finding it really lit and happy this year,  and I can finally call it home because of the place and the people who made it special but, there will always be that but.

 

The day to leave

A few hours left to go.

I am feeling alright, not great but exisiting and being alright.

I am excited to get back to the routine that I have made for myself. I am eager to study, be with my friends, make notes, be in my room and have my alone time.

At the moment, an overwhelming surge of sadness and heart break has taken over me. Leaving my mom and Dubai never became easier.

But this is all for the best.

 

What we go through now, it’s all helping us prepare for a greater change and life. All these emotions, feelings and changes are my lessons. I am trying real hard to be the type of student who learns from it and use it at some point in life. Or just learn and deal with it for the fun of doing it.

– Roshni Marath Jairaj