Do you wonder?

I often wonder what other people are doing at this very moment that I am in. What are they upto in their lives?

I especially wonder this in case of celebrities because it’s so fascinating for me to wonder what they do in thier spare time because I adore many celebrities and often wonder what they are upto. Do they lead the mundane lives just like the rest of the humans that walk on the face of the earth?

I often wonder what my friends do when I am not with them, we are miles and miles away and I often wonder what they would be doing right now and if were together, I would be then wondering about all the fun times we could have

I wonder what my parents do when I am not at home, I wonder if they talk about me and my shenanigans. I miss them and my home

I wonder what my home is doing without me. Is it changing per second or by per word?

I often wonder what other people in other parts of the world do at this very moment I am in. How are they living life?

I wonder about the people I once knew and who I were very close with. Do they think about the times we all have spent together at one point? Do they miss those times? I do wish we all got to meet at one point in our lives with all the disputes and conflicts settled.

I wonder about the movies and the shows that are put out there. How did it all come together and why? What would have happened if I would have never seen it? Would that change the way I think or would that change a part of me?

Do you ever wonder how your life would have turned out if you hadn’t met the people in your life who have become an imperative part of your life system? I wonder on if I would have never met my friends, what would be of me? Would I go on to discover and make friends with strangers who will then become my friends?

I wonder on how one would feel when they are trapped in the most miserable sadistic feeling ever known to them? How would it be living that feeling on a constant rotation without any relif of ever freeing yourself from it? Have you imagined what it feels like because I do. When I am trapped in that feeling, I imagine what it must feel like to be trapped in it forever and it feels overwhelming and soul crushing

I wonder on how it would be to lead a different life in a different body, somewhere else with different parents

I wonder on how it would be living the life of a person I know or I wish to know. What are the life changes that would dazzle me? How does it feel to be in their shoes?

I wonder on the type of talents I wish I could possess and how I could use it. I wonder on if not for writing, how else would I confront my feelings or express what I feel. I wonder on what my talent would be.

I wonder on how my life would have been if not for the realities I were put into and faced

I wonder on how the future would turn out for me. Have I made the right choices? Will my plan be set in motion? Will I achieve the vision I have envisioned?

I do wonder on the choices I have made and the choices I could have made

I wonder on what would be of me if I were born to different parents. Would I posesses the same mind set, probably not. I do wonder what that would be like. A new identity emerging from a new environment.

I wonder about the stories I have created in my mind and dream on how it would be to live them in reality and not in my head. I imagine them how I could do it in the real life

I wonder on the inventions the world could make based on my ideas. I think about a machine that would capture each and every thought of mine even when I am asleep. A machine that records my dreams and I can view it to my pleasure or continue it.

I wonder what would become of me after death. Is there a life after death? A new beginning for a new soul or an unfinished journey for an old soul. How would I be remembered? How would my loved ones react? Can I still see them from where I am or would my body be turned into particles to join the universe?

There are many things that I wonder and they all get lost somewhere

I wonder on my existence and the use of humans in this world

I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t been born

I dream, ponder and wonder a lot

Faking it 101

So I am assuming you stumbled upon this by accident, or by scrolling through your feed, or because you were in dire need of help on how to learn to fake through it all.

Whether it’s faking life or faking interests or faking knowledge or just faking I am here to help you through it.

I am going to give you a few tips on how you can incooperate this “useful” method in your life and well wing it. I will try but I can assure you 60% because the rest 40% depends on your environmental factors and luck.

These are some few rules you should follow if you want to fit in with the “crowd”.

  1. First of all, before you get involved with whatever piece of fandom or converstaion you want to get into, RESEARCH EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. You do not want to sound like a basic fool, you want to be thriving and want to be intersting right? So do your research. Whatever it takes.
  2. Keep up with the current updates of whatever you want to be a part of. Search each and every nook and corner of the dark web.
  3. If anyone mentions a thing you don’t have a clue on anything or what’s going in the present convo or time, just keep your phone beside you and google it. That will save your day just for the time being.
  4. You don’t want to say anything stupid right? So get everything right because every little detail matters, if not you going to be banned for life and all your efforts would have become futile.
  5. If anyone asks for your opinion on the subject matter, go with the the answer I don’t know or I don’t think so or see what the other person says and how the crowd reacts to it, then go with the crowd. Be the sheep. If you be bold, you die and all your futile efforts would go to waste
  6. Third of all, if you do not want to do any of this, how about you accept it that it’s alright for you to not know about it and move on. Why be a wanna be?

It’s alright if we all have different interests and passions. I am trying to learn that and inccoporate it into my life, I am not good at it but I am trying my best. I often am shocked on how some people don’t like what I like or like the major fandoms but I am trying to get used to it because there are many things out there that I don’t like but others dp.

If my friends like something, I will give it a try and if I don’t like it, I won’t fake till I make it because that’s just not who I am. I have tried it in the past and trust me, it’s not worth the effort and time you think it’s going to be.

Not everyone in the world has to be alike or have the same common interests. You are lucky if you find your group.

In this day and age, I feel that it’s intense with the fandoms because I feel you feel pressured to get into it and might not like it. If you don’t like it, you feel like a outcast. That’s going to be there and it’s hard.

I just do not understand why hop on the wagon just because it’s popular or just because it makes you look cool or you want to be a part of the convoseration or fandom. If you genuinely want to get into it, we will all help but why the fakeness? You can simply ask how to begin but just sticking it right in the middle is not gonna be the solution to your problem.

It’s alright if you decide to get in it right in the middle or the very end, that’s completely alright because you are being complely authentic, genuinely interested. You want to know more and I get it but just pretending to care about it, now that’s where it itches.

Do you man!!

Another world of my own

My mother often tells me that I am in a world of my own

What does that even mean? When she sees me, why is it that her mind thinks I live in an other world of my own?

Is it because I choose to be oblivious to the macabre around me?

She says that I should often come out of this world I live in to face the monsters outside, but why?

I do spend my time with the monsters but I cannot do it all day, I need a break.

I do not disagree to her statement, what I will do instead is offer an explanation as to why I have built that world

I am a keen admirer and enthusiastic on many of the movies and shows out there, I am an avid watcher

I love to listen to music because in those rhythms generate a story that I would love to be a part of or simply they give me the estacy I need

The books that I read offer me a chance to dwell in those world and I love to loose myself into the extraordinary words. I love to understand what goes on behind each sentence. I love to move with the flow of the words.

All of the above act as a help, a sort of an escape from the troubles and plight I often am in especially when at home.

I remember the screams and shouts that echoed around the walls of the house and building a world was the only way I could ever relieve myself

When I step onto the grounds of that world, the troubles leave me and I am in a story

A world where different stories exist in different realities and various personas

I enter these worlds and live in them because I am selfish

I am selfish because I want to breathe the air of peace and silence for once without any worries in the world

In the years that I have lived on this earth, at every stage in my life, I have remembered most of the pain rather than warmth

From this world of mine, I receive happiness and most importantly solace and peace

I am not a fan of anyone who wishes to enter this world

I am not welcome to the idea of anyone wanting to talk about this world

I want to lead a life that I can live in peace and happiness

I am an avid watcher of many movies and shows. I love to read the lines within the stories that unfold. I live in these worlds because they help me escape a world of my own. A world that never has the potential to offer a cure for every thirst I quench.

These stories that I witness help me forget the reality I am sometimes trapped in. I do not relish these stories soley for the purpose of using them as a sort of escape. I do so because I enjoy them

I am delighted to be in the world of movies, shows, music and stories. They provie me an esctacy that I simply cannot find in others. I immerse into them and my troubles are let go.

They are therapeutic to me. They provide help in countless ways and often ways that no other human could provide. They are a different sort of family soley exisiting for my happiness, dreams and comfort.

I choose to enter this world on my own free will, so if matters go awry, I have no one to blame but myself.

I find it enchanting because of the numerous stories told.

I may not have many talents but someday I would love to show you the magic that resides in my head. I would invite you to be a guest in my worlds and I am sure you would never think below of any great grandeure you have witnessed.

I believe I have a way in showing you these worlds, but I need me some magic to do so. If I were to be a God, I would have you granted access to slip into these cracks but I am afraid I possibly cannot to do anything

So I put my hopes in you and believe in the faith and assurance that you too put your trust in me and my words about my worlds.

The Endgame…

A thing you should know about me is that I care very deeply for movies, shows and books especillay the ones that I have invested my life and time in, it is a part of me, so some people might think that this is all a bit too much but frankly, I do not care because this is me. I love this bit about myself. Loving these movies, shows and books with all this passion and intensity is what I love the most. I feel infinite.

Coming to the point on what this piece is going to be about, I have been a fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe as long as I can remember and I just watched Endgame, the movie that brought that saga to an end. The movie that brought a decade to an end.

Relax; I am not to be giving out any spoilers because I am not the fan that will ever betray my family like that. I respect and worship the work way too much to do that and also life taught me that in hard ways.

Coming back to what this piece is about; my mind and heart cannot fathom to bring itself in terms with what I witnessed and were a part of. I watched the movie two times in a row and I am feeling all these emotions that I don’t know how to control. I am drowning in them; not in the way that I enjoy but to the point where my heart physically pains and I need a way to heal.

So here I am pouring out my emotions because I feel this could be my way of healing.

I wander around these empty spaces with a heavy heart

I feel my heart getting crushed by the weight of the boulder that has been dropped from the heights above

It was cathartic

I sit here buried in tears and crash into the warmth of my comforter

I made the mistake of not understanding how broken I would be after I a saga come to an end

I have been in this ride for years and years knowing but also not knowing what it was all leading up to…

I fell in love with all of them, I fell in love with how each of them progressed with time

I fell madly in love with the family and the team

I too have a weakness like every other being, my mind does not want to be bias but my heart has been tuned out differently

I have given my heart to the people that were since the dawn of the time, to the people that lay the foundation for this great miracle, the team that started the intitiative and set up the saga

These stories were intense but fun, heart shattering but carried a sense of bitter sweetness,

Enemies were made, Friendships were made and broken, Teams came together yet also fell apart. Everything and anything managed to happen

Chaos erupted across the galaxies

I have shed tears, I have laughed, I have rejoiced, I have been gutted. I have loved. I have hated. I have felt everything I possibly can through these stories.

My heart would always lie with the six. The origins of a greater good. The start to it all.

Over the years, it all lied in the tiny fragments, each fragment carried a piece ultimately leading up to the end, the end for many of us but also a beginning to a new dawn

I never realised how embedded I was in this until I realised I may never see them again. I failed to understand how much of a mess and a chaos I would be. I underestimated how much I would be affected. I did not put it into count.

I stroll along those memory lanes and dwell when times were simpler. To the times I knew they would come back.

My mind and heart refuse to fathom that it has come to an end, a conclusion. An end where I will never see them return again.

As the sun sets, a new dawn arises and that is what had happened

I thank you and will always cherish you Marvel.

Like they said, “Part of the journey is the end.”

I look forward to what you have in store for us.

Thank you for the best 11 years and for the best 22 movies you have given us.

My love feels blue

I feel blue

Blue has so many layers that I swim in

I dwell in those deep shades of blue

It has the layer of joy

It has the layer of sadness

I crave it for the warmth 

I crave it for it’s wintry crisp

I crave it for it’s gloomy storms

Blue is an appetite that always stirs up my senses and affections

I like to drown myself into the void of blue

It masks what I feel and dream about 

My love feels blue 

A blue that is desolate, A blue that wants to invite, A blue that fears, A blue that clenches and hopes, A blue that is alone.

I dream about love

A love so great

A love that I may never find 

I dream of love in my dreams and fantasies 

My fantasies are filled with love and the lust of it

I am happy in it, I feel connected and safe

I feel the happiest when I feel them

It feels so surreal, in that moment I feel almost complete as I stand on an edge that prevents from making the cross over to the other side

It is a sense of joy and warmth that I cannot explain 

How can dreams make me feel so safe and warm

Why do I dream of love every time I lie down to slumber 

Do I crave it so much that I need to dream in order to have it? 

I am afraid of not finding it 

I am afraid that there is no one out there who could love me

My brain forms many stories about love, many fantasies but I am afraid it is all too false in this world 

I blame the songs and films I listen and watch with so much of heart 

I blame the worlds of the stories I explore 

I blame myself for falling into a trap that I am afraid I can never get out of 

I blame myself for letting it all fall into me 

I blame myself for letting them cross over the walls I never built, the walls that were meant to not let it happen

But through these songs, movies, stories and dreams I live and breathe it all

I do not want this to ever stop yet it keeps slicing and wounding deeper and deeper

I dream of a love where he never lets go and stays beside me 

I dream of a love where we stay up all night admist the barren land looking at the stars above us and listening to songs that were meant for this very moment 

I dream where we dance under the stars all night long…

I dream of a love where we both understand and love each other to the fullest despite our differences and faults 

I dream of a love so raw, intense and passionate 

I dream of a love where there is understanding, communication, respect, integrity, loyalty and all the goodness associated with it

I dream of a love where we both maintain our own individualities

I dream of a love where we still can live and survive without each other but we choose not to because we are so in love

I dream of a love where we travel and discover 

I dream of it all that I have now lost count 

I see other people and their great love stories and I wonder am I asking for too much or am I simply not worth it any time soon or ever? 

I am happy with what I have right now in this present time 

But why do I always crave for that feeling 

In the back of the corners of my mind, I wait in search for that love 

I not only want to accept the joy and lust of love but also would invite the heart break along with it 

I gladly accept the pain that it will bring into my life

I will gladly welcome the gut wrenching hurt along with it, the hurt when things turn array

I will gladly soak myself with the pain that no words could ever describe 

I welcome it all and accept the consequences as well 

I am still in hopes

I patiently wait and wait as my mind tells me there is a time and place for it all

When I am ready, it will come and seek me or do I go searching for it? 

How will I ever know? 

What if I have someone far far away but the world lets it be, never giving us a chance to ever cross paths? 

How will I ever know? 

Will you ever hand me down a sign? 

Someday, when I acquire my love, I will still feel blue but I will be swimming into the new shades of blue, a blue that is left waiting to be dwelled into…

I want to love

I want to be loved…

The heart

I no longer wanted to feel human

So I sharpened my knife and butchered out my heart from my body

I bled and bled but I let it be as I no longer wanted this ache to roar

I was now just a human with a pair of eyes and ears to see the world as it is and not for the layers it has bathed itself in

This gave me the perspective I needed

All I now am is a body and an existence without the force to feel things that once made me a fool

I saw the heart out there, throbbing and beating

It did not stop, it did not stop

What do I do to relieve it of its senses

With no heart in me, watching that heart writher and squirm for help created a sense of humanism in me, but how?

At the same time, I was delighted to see it in misery as I no longer had to inhabit it

Was this how I once felt when it was in me?

A desperation to release everything I felt

The next few moments passed by without my knowledge

I am not aware of how I got here and why but it had a purpose

I opened the glass cage and placed the heart tenderly on my hands

I felt it needed to be taken care of gently, so I caressed it with a soft delicacy

It wailed and wailed but I could see no tears drop down

It felt sad and lonely

It felt betrayed

It wanted to be with home

It ached and ached, I did not know what to do then and now

All it wanted was to simply let it be

I could not let it simply be

With one simple swift, I gave it the end it deserved

Now I was a human with a heart…


Why

Why does my heart ache at something that never had the fullest possibility of ever happening?

Perhaps it was due to the fact that it dangled in front of me like a bait and I was lured into and trapped.

Why does my heart cry out in silence and clutch at the possibility of clinging on to that hope that would make me happy again?

Perhaps it was due to the fact that I had to pass these days to finish of work and find a drive to motivate me to do my life.

Why do I put myself through these days and hope for a miracle to befall and change it all?

Perhaps it’s because I am a fool to believe in the grandeur and delusions that my heart still clings on to waiting for some good miracles to take place.

Why does the universe conspire against me?

Perhaps it enjoys tricking me into believing that my happiness would be fulfilled; but it then snatches it away at the very end leaving me in sadness and despair

I blame it not on the world and the people in it but solely on myself for expecting it to happen

I blame myself for clinging on to that hope and faith of it taking place into action

When the odds are stacked up against it; I still firmly stand my resolve onto that very last hope

But as each day transpires; I find myself being toyed with and not knowing where to stand and what to put my beliefs into

It is the night and I find myself very upset and lonely at how the outcomes have played in

I seek no companionship or love but only the warmth of some warm home food and the comfort of my loving family beside me at these sad times

But they are not here and are miles away, away from my heart and away from bodies…

My troubles are deep rooted and lie in the tangled web of my feelings and emotions for my family… This is a string so entangled in this web that disrupting it would be equivalent to destructing myself and the universe I exisit in.

I bother to not find a way of letting these troubles escape and fall into the hands of my companions as it is of no use…

I have the best of the comrades with me, but why can I not confide in them?

Perhaps a solution even by them won’t solve the fix I am in…

Why bother when the world can’t help or create a solution?

Talks with my comrades help

Talks help but for how long? They are a source of comfort but the pain still resides now stronger than ever without myself ever realizing it…

No one seems to truly understand where I come from or what I intent as I have trouble laying it out for them to understand, see and dwel.

As I struggle to take out these feelings and pour it out here, I find that the ache still tighlty clutches around my heart and the feeling of sadness has made its home in here now.

What use are my efforts to put it out if I am not getting relived of this mess?

Why bother when the world can’t help or create a solution?

What can I do to evade myself out of this glorified pain?

Sleep it off and let it transpire to the next dawn I wake up in.

Let my mind skip on to the other good things of life and try to move on

What I find myself comforting is indulging is into bussum and the pleasures of Satan?

The former was an attempt to humour myself from the the series of unfortunate events I have taken a turn to

I find myself indulging not into the pleasures of Satan as a comedic relief but into the world of movies and televison shows, being a spectre and the observer of an other world helps myself slip away from the troubles I am in now

From one world to an other, oh how I would love to hop around when things go uneasy all the times but alas one cannot do that at all times.

Or wait for the event to happen and then mope around for believing in the chances and the luck of it happening at all, but what if?

A fool you are to believe that good things happen all the times…

Have you not learnt anything my dear fool?

Why does …

Perhaps, let’s not bother…