This is a new thing that I am trying and focussing on.
Few philosophies that I like, can resonate with, that can express my feelings or concepts that simply I needed to hear and be inspired by.
A week of philosophies. 7 different ways to look and learn about different aspects and philosophies of life.
7 days to learn new different 7 philosophies and incorporate these learnings into my life.
Day One, 11th September 2018
Today’s philosophy: Yin and Yang
All things carry yin and embrace yang. They reach harmony by blending with the vital breath.
Why was I inspired to choose this today?
I was talking with my friend today about darkness, light and all, and he suddenly asked you must be more of a yin-yang person right?
I didn’t know what he meant by it, so I went to the most knowledgeable person in times of need, Google. I searched for what it, and I couldn’t be more wowed. I finally found a philosophy that explains my thought process towards the world, and it’s situations.
I always thought of any situation, there are two sides/forces to it. I never shared it much with people because they would call me a hypocrite or a person who can’t make up their mind. I know yin yang isn’t precisely that, but somewhat I found that I could relate myself to it.
There are two sides to everything, right/ wrong, light/dark and more. How each one is complementary to another. Everything in nature is a balance of opposite forces.
What is yin and yang?
Yin and Yang are one vital force – the primordial aura.
In Chinese philosophy, yin and yang describe how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. Yin Yang is the concept of duality forming a whole.
The two opposites of Yin and Yang attract and complement each other and, as their symbol illustrates, each side has at its core an element of the other (represented by the small dots).
Neither pole is superior to the other and, as an increase in one brings a corresponding decrease in the other, a correct balance between the two poles must be reached to achieve harmony.
The small dots within each of the two energies (represented by black and white) symbolise that there is always some Yin (black) within Yang (white) and vice versa.
Below is a video I have found useful. It’s a simple explanation.
The concept of Yin and Yang became popular with the work of the Chinese school of Yin yang which studied philosophy and cosmology in the 3rd century BCE.
The principal proponent of the theory was the cosmologist Zou Yan (or Tsou Yen) who believed that life went through five phases (wuxing) – fire, water, metal, wood, earth – which continuously interchanged according to the principle of Yin and Yang.
How I find it useful
It’s always wise and good to know about different philosophies. This has inspired me to believe in the world, how different parts and forces of my life are necessary and they compliment each other in some way or another.
There is always some part of myself in another energy and that energy in mine as well. It helps to know both sides of our souls as well. Figuring out and knowing our traits and qualities help us to understand and know our soul, both sides to it. It helps us move and figure it all out.
“Accept your dark side, understanding it will help you to move with the light. Knowing both sides of our souls, helps us all to move forward in life and to understand that, perfection doesn’t exist.”
― Martin R. Lemieux
It’s about creating harmony in myself and the world I live in.
We should focus on harmony because we simply need it. Sometimes everything in life is a chaos, and I think we should try to find a balance in ourselves to think carefully and find out where we have gone wrong.
Harmony and balance are keys to figuring out yourself. It’s a beautiful note that could contribute to the most wonderful of music.
How to incorporate Yin Yang energy
I am no expert but here are some ways after research that I have found helpful. We all have our own ways, so we should see what suits us best and try to follow it.
I am keen, and I am trying to incorporate a part of Yin Yang energy into my life and some of the ways I and if you want to do it are as follows:
- Meditation: Take some time to relax and unwind. It’s also the best way to take a break from your phone. We all need some peace and alone time to ourselves, to reflect and think. With some calm music, I close my eyes, think and feel good.
- Declutter your life.
- Maintain good health, in all ways as possible. Mentally and physically. It’s going to be a lot of work, but it’s always worth it. Hard work never goes into vain.
- Fight for yourself. Don’t wait for the world to hand out what you wish. You need to work hard for your goals, dreams and aspirations.
A quote to end the day with
The yin & the yang are opposite forces. Yet, they exist together in the harmony of a perfect orb.
– R.A. Wise
A new series emerges again, a series where movies I watch inspire me and make me think about that the topic of the film and more.
Today’s thoughts are based on the movie, ” The Bridges of Madison County”. This movie is based on a novel.
Starring Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep, it’s a beautiful well-thought movie that evokes loads of thoughts and feelings. It makes us think about the underlying feelings and emotions of love and family, and it’s complications.
How loving someone is so simple, but the relationship that comes along with it is complex. The mentalities of people, the responsibilities of having a family, the strains and limits that it takes on one, how difficult choices have to be made; ones that can even break you.
A love affair taken place in 4 days, 4 days that were of absolute bliss and perfection but it came crashing down when Francesca has to make a choice between her lover, Robert Kincaid and her family and children. It’s a tough movie to watch, and our hearts are always on the line with characters and the plot.
The end is a powerful and bold choice. She chooses to stay with her family, a sacrifice she made for her and her eternal love. She decides to keep her love aside and lived for the family, but she always loved him and will keep loving him. It’s a bittersweet ending.
It makes us wonder why couldn’t she leave her family and go with the man who makes her happy, the man who understood her, the man who she wanted to spend her life with. A man who was kind and good of nature.
Love and connection like that only come once in a lifetime and she left that for her family. A great sacrifice indeed.
On the other hand, I do understand why she chooses her family. She knew she couldn’t leave her family behind, She would be leaving a whole other life she had back here to move on to a new different life. Responsibilities bound and kept her. I felt that she felt she owed it to them or maybe more, out of love but a different love, a love for the greater good of others.
I cannot stop wondering why she wouldn’t go with him? I also do understand why so she couldn’t go.
Why are families complex and robust? Why does one always have to sacrifice for the greater good? Why can’t one be selfish? But as you see once, one becomes selfish, so many lives are on the line. The lives you have interacted with and become a part of can be broken or are.
All it takes is a moment for an earth-shattering event to take place. A moment to make or break you.
Till the very end, I expected for a reunion, but I wasn’t given that. It got me thinking that’s just how some things in life are. Sometimes you don’t end up getting that. For some closure or out of pity, people tell change is good. Some change is good but what about the changes that we just cannot accept or fathom? We learn to be okay with it in the course of time.
We all live only once, why not do everything we love? We can but in this movie, she could but also couldn’t. Sometimes life gets in the manner and responsibilities, but we should and always ought to try our best in living the best lives.
Marriage is a respectable, caring loving yet a frightening institution, and along the fine lines comes the family. It still upsets me why she couldn’t leave, but as I said, I also understand why because I have seen it happen in real life but in a very different way.
It’s also the mentality of the minds that also got me about this movie, how we are raised to think of certain things and parts of life that are completely absurd and cannot be deemed as usual. We are expected to believe that life is some sort of routine and along with it comes certain expectations and moral are you are supposed to follow.
I do understand those morals have been established to ensure the happiness of the family and to keep it from falling apart but what happens if you are no longer happy?
What then? Are you allowed to leave it or continue living it for the family? Can you do both? But will they understand? Why isn’t there a fix to this? A protocol or a solution. Why do certain problems in the world that exist where answers cannot be found that makes everyone happy? Why must one get hurt and upset? Is this how the world functions and needs to work?
I do understand that there lie obligations, responsibilities and a life that you have build for yourself and your family, all on the verge, but if one isn’t happy with it, should we silently suffer for our loved ones, for the greater good? I know many people who have.
I know of many stories, but what I can’t find is a story that ends up with the person happy, with not many consequences, but I guess life is not a movie huh? Where one can direct and make it the way they wish to see.
We only live life once, and all this time, somewhere deep inside of us, we know we aren’t happy with it, but is it too late?
What if you realise that, at last, breathe of your life, you have a sudden epiphany that the life you have lived turned out to be the life you were never happy or genuinely joyous with. A life where one was unable to seek true happiness, joy and freedom. What happens then?
After we die, what happens? I don’t know.
Are our souls happy and finally free now that it’s over or will it be haunted by the life it never had and wished that it had? Will, our souls, roam around the face of the earth searching for that lost life or will it be lost forever without finding it? Will our souls depart from this earth after discovering what it always wanted or leave without finding it?
The answers are unknown, endless and of many.
I don’t know what will happen.
Probably I might have to be at my last breath to find out.
I have many thoughts, many conflicting thoughts, many troubling choices and decisions lie ahead. For all of us, for me. I hope I can make the right choice without upsetting the world and myself.
I know for absoulte certainity that as the course lies ahead, I will be stuck at crosspaths, quite a lot of times. I do hope and pray that I can make decisions that will make me happy as well the people in it.
I also know that some or the majority of it might not be possible, but I am willing to try and not be afraid.
For the things that truly matter, I will fight. But if I loose? What can I do?
Perhaps I can be happy about the memory that it happened and then console myself by saying that certain things are not meant to be.
Countless other thoughts come into my mind and I cannot find an absoulute true answer that I want. There are always many sides to that thought.
I don’t know if I will ever find one clear answer to the thoughts and questions I have. I do hope to find an answer that will make my mind at ease and heart at content.
Perhaps, maybe, there is not one clear answer but I do hope whatever I learn and whenever I learn will finally put me at contenment.
Or I might go searching for more?
The mind never stops working, does it?
” Never had I thought that the scents I would breathe in would someday become the dire drug my body needed in order to exist and often be used to rejuvenate myself back to life. This was that drug that needed to be taken in your life quite often to know that good and joy still exists. It’s a holy blessing.”
Disclaimer: Experiences might differ from one indivdiual to another
It was a normal day. Nothing ordinary out of the blue was going to make an entrance into my life.
Dad was coming back from Kerala, after his short visit. So the whole morning was dedicated to his coming. Mom finishing all her jobs in a panic and hurry was a sight my heavy heart had to witness every day. This routine was the usual dose a morning in this household could have. So far, no screams had been hurled because it was just the two of us for now.
I took my morning shower and then proceeded to help my mom ease the panic and the tension. So the first task of the day was to put the old newspapers out for recycling.
Taking the papers in my hand, as soon as I stepped out of the flat, the scent of the corridors eased my panic and helped me relax.
I was happy, I was the nostalgia happy.
For a brief moment, a short movie based on my memory of the happy days in Kerala played. The scent of the corridors took me back to the mornings of Kerala, at my mother’s place.
It started with a house beside the lake. Early mornings, I could hear the temple sermons and songs. That was how the small town woke up.
Later in the day, I could hear the birds chirp and that’s how I woke up. The curtains danced along to the wind, the sun rays lighted up the room and the breezy cold wind woke me up. This alarm clock was one of the world’s best invention and creation. It was my secret and also that of the town’s. It was solely ours.
My morning started with the scent of the warm milk my grandmother made for me.
Then later, the house was filled with the scent of flowers especially of Jasmine’s. We had a small garden at the back, so when we left the back doors open, the smell of that small garden and of the green plot would make its way into the house.
Soon, later in the day, my grandmother’s cooking would take up the scent of the air and it was one of the holiest smell I could ever remember.
Then as the morning events proceded, each scent would follow and arise from different tasks.
The washing of clothes and hanging it on the open terrace had a different smell of its own. I loved every aspect of it. Whilst hanging out the clothes on the terrace, I was gifted with the view of seeing my small town at it’s best every day till I left.
We always came during the monsoon reason, so when it rained. It was a bliss and an escape from the summer heat of Dubai.
When it rained, the drops that would hit the green trees, plants and leaves had a very pleasant smell of its own. The earthy smell when the rain poured down is a wonderful feeling and emotion. The raindrops danced on the roof and provided music to everyone’s ears.
Going through the events of the day, different smells and scents would fill up my nose and my mind.
The days of Kerala always carried the best scents and memories.
That was the end of the corridor whiff.
Now as I stepped into the house, another scent masked the house.
The scent of nostalgia masked again, something unexplained. Another array of nostalgic experiences masked me again.
The old memories of Dubai and Kerala, the memories of my family was dug deep from beneath my heart and was played in my mind.
The early mornings of school flashed through my mind, my mom getting ready to come along with me to bid a nice goodbye when I step on to the school bus. Then would come the afternoon where the fresh smell of my mother’s food would mask the entire house.
The afternoon naps, the tutions, the night rides and walks also decided to make its way into the movie being played in my head.
Then the good memories of the weekend also made its entry. Early morning fresh Agarbathi’s lighted by my dad and a nice temple song to wake me up.
It always fascinated me on how certain scents and smells could trigger some of the deepest fresh memories rooted in my mind.
What I have always liked about this entire process and creation was that none of the bad memories and events that took place in my entire life made even the slightest of guest experience in this head of mine when these scents evoked my memories. This was one of those experiences that had pure goodness and only contained happiness in them.
Later then, I would start missing it all but I was happy that I had these to cherish and they were only mine to be. I was happy and grateful that all of it happened.
How can those same whiffs of scents be recreated when I am at a place far far away from the source? How can these scents be recreated? Why do these scents play back those memories? How and why are always the two questions I have and I have never found a clear answer to it till this day.
This intrigues me.
Despite all my doubts and quests for an answer, The world is a wonder and so is the universe and the galaxy.
These are some of the mysterious workings of the world that I like and would always want as my constant wherever my life takes me and at any age.
I have met quite a fair share of people in my life and there are many more of them to discover and unravel.
Everything, everyone and I make me think. Do I know people? Have I figured it out?
Down below are stages that I have written about the factors present in my life. An advice to myself and to the world.
Let’s introduce the characters on the stage as we go. We are going with the flow folks.
Let’s start with family and the whole lot that comes with it.
( PS: Notice how I am using a perfect family picture, it’s because I couldn’t find families that want to rip your heads off. Even the internet is being my enemy by showing me perfect families. )
Family, you got it, You got to accept them for who they are. Nothing you can do about it, atleast in your friendships, you can choose who you wanna be with friends with but with family, you can’t choose that.
I love my family, don’t get me wrong. However there are certain attributes that I wish I could change about them.
This perfect family in American Sitcoms is what that’s ruining me and altering my perception. Always wanted that kind of family and still hoping to.
I have learnt a lot from parents and infact from them, I have learnt the do’s and dont’s of parenting. They inspire to be better parents and to have a good family. ( The reasons are for the best and for the absoulte worst. )
Then comes certain cousins and relatives. Why are they like that? Why can’t they be proud of your achievemnts and not wanna bring you down? Why do they wanna sabatoge everything in life? Why have they been made like that? I have relatives who simply cannot be happy for anyone and they just have to ruin everything. Why do some of them have to be the absolute worst crackheads?
Lesson learnt: Family is complicated and complex. Sometimes it can get a heck load of dysfunctional and sometimes you are going to be a crack head. That’s what family does to you. But I still love them. Sometimes you can also hate your family. It differs from people to people.
Also family doesn’t have to be defined by blood relationships. Anyone can be family. I haven’t found that type of family yet but someday, I hope to find that.
Moving on with friends.
It’s a lesson I am trying to learn, not every friendship lasts that long, there are going to be changes and if you are wlling to work through it, it’s great, but sometimes if it just vanishes and you guy’s arent as closed as you used to be, its alright. It’s okay. It will take time and you might wonder what you did wrong or what happened?
But that’s life. People change, friendships change.
On a more happier note, I know you are going to find more friends, more ever lasting long friendships. Don’t worry about it. There is a certain time for a certain friendship and be glad that it happened. Don’t let that put you down. Those great memories will always be there and there is nothing that can take you away from that.
And if you are still friends with your friends from school and uni, that’s great and I am glad that it has happened for you and for me!!
I have learnt that as you grow up, you become selecctive of your friends and that is true. It’s not that anything is wrong with you, sometime’s its just that and there is nothing you can do. You can be more open to finding new friendships but if it doesnt make you happy or you think that it affects you in any sort of bad manner, then you know it’s not worth it.
Lesson learnt: There are some friendships meant to be and not meant to be.
The thing down below is for some of the people I know….
I know that we all are way far ahead from the word “perfect”, but why are there humans that simply want to see you upset and in sadness. What joys do you get in ruining people’s lives? I am sorry to say you are one of the worst people to ever exist. There is still time to change so why can’t you?
Coming to me
I love to do quizzes online and I am absolutely keen on them, but there is one thing about them that puts me on an edge. It’s the question of what quality do you think you have or lead with or what quality your friend thinks is the best/dominant in you.
Questions like these make me pause and rethink everything about myself. Every quality that I think I have, had or is nonexistent burst open in me.
I have this version of myself in my mind that I think I am, some very few selective people get it to see it and to others lie another side of me that is real but also not completely authentic and real, or so I think?
What if that non authentic and less real was the real me but that doesn’t bring me a 100% happiness and joy to myself, so that option is cut out.
I have this whole version of me in my head. I know I am the person who knows how to have fun only in the comfort of people that I really love and can be myself with. For a matter of fact, I know when I shut off that’s in the presence of people I aint that comforable with, I talk less, I shut myself off because well I dont feel the it factor.
I can be quite the introvert and the extrovert. More of an introvert and also an ambivert. I like that. It might change as times passes by, but for now I am alright with it. But the bigger question still remains, what qualities/traits do I possess, the qualities/traits that are in the human code of conduct? How do I define myself?
Many of the times, defining myself in a set of words/sentences proves to be impossible and a mind numbing task. I am in loss of words for certain adjective traits. I do know some of them but what if other people think that to be false? Should I care? At most times, I tend not to, but I also do.
But I do know that exists certain traits about me, even if the world disagrees, I know that it not to be true because I believe so in myself.
Lesson trying to be learnt: So as of now, I am close to figuring it out, but then new stuff keeps coming along the way. It’s okay if you havent figured it out or you can’t define yourself in a set of stringed words. I guess you just keep discovering more and more about yourself as time passes by. You learn a lot, you change a lot, there are a lot of lot’s basically.
You are and might differ from time to time. You are going to go through a lot of things.
Just remember, someday. It will all end soon, so try to do the best you can and try to live the best you can because you live only once.
( PS: I do believe in reincarnation, but that’s an other whole complicated topic of discussion, you just live life now.)
There are millions of people out there in this world. They are different.
Some might shock you, some might intrigue you, some might scare you. You are going to get a lot of emotions and feel a lot of things from this world and people in it. Some people probably are the way they want to be and it might hurt you or bring you joy.
That adventure is out for you to discover. I haven’t been on that adventure quite fully yet, but I am hoping to be or have I already been on it.
I think we all are unique and different in certain and many ways.
This is intriguing now….
Lesson learnt: The world is a teacher and you are a student of it. The roles can also be switched if you want them to be. The world works in the most mysterious and intriguing ways as possible.
So why have people been made the way they are? Why have I been made this way?
Circumstances, family, life, friendships, the stories/movies/music that they listen to and have become obessed with, passions, the past, the present, the future, the people in it, the society, The World.
I have been watching a lot of movies, scrolling through my phone, reading a lot of books, spending time with family and friends, talking to people, listening to music, observing the world and it’s stories.
Each of the above task has a quest and a story in itself. I am trying to learn and understand more about the people in this world and why. I love talking to people, not the regular talks, the talks that intrigue the world and me, theories and more. I like listenting to stories of people and what they have to say.
I am eager to live life and move through the stories and stages that life has in store for me.
Lesson learnt: The possibilites are endless or so. You are going to go through a lot, learn a lot and feel a lot more. There are still many more lessons to be learnt.
Just the other day, life and my mind got me thinking.
Was I going to be stuck with this same face throughout my life? I see other people evolving and changing and here I am, still stuck with the face that has changed but not so distinctively, I can assume.
How do other people go through such changes? Like what do they do, how? Is it genes or some special talent that you require, or is it luck, fate, destiny or life what and how did it happen?
What features have changed on an overall basis? I have grown taller, my face has changed quite a bit, but not like how movies, actors, actresses and people show, I haven’t gone through that exuberant change.
I kind of am worried that this face would be stuck with me till I grow old. What a terrifying yet weird thought.
I would like this face to change just like how I change mentally. Wait, I don’t want my face to change constantly to my personality or match the demeanor of my character. This is proving to be a lot harder than I expected.
I don’t know if I am insecure about my appearance, I probably am but I am happy with what I am. Well, there are those sudden days where I would love to change some parts of myself.
What I mean to say is, it would be nice to go through that whole makeover scene. The American movie cliche. Those always seem really fun to me. Probably in an alternate universe from other universes, I must be going through that change now.
But I am happy with what I got. But I am a human, always wishing for more and more. If I would have got that more and more? Would I stop wishing for more? Well, I need to get that more and more in order to find out.
The above might make me sound like a complete douche, and I wouldn’t blame you.
But the more and more I wish for are wishes/answers/solutions related to problems I have in life. Don’t we all? A life with everything provided. A life we always wanted. Even for a brief moment, to live that life would be grateful. A moment to be remembered for eternity.
But what would life be without all those struggles we have gone through and are yet to face? These struggles and this life we live go into the makings of defining who we are and why we have become or what we needed to be.
Are these problems in our life tasks? One task gets over, another one starts. It shares the same outlook on the word problem, but a bit less negative than the original term, “problem”.
Placing your confusing thoughts into words is not an easy task.
So, that’s it for today’s thoughts from the days.
( This blog has been written long before, This could be a little throwback. A piece based on the workings of the mind in me.)
I think I am an over-thinker. It certainly does not have its perks.
I tend to over think about every situation I have or will be in, every comment I have made, ever mistake that I have done, why people don’t reply to me on time, why the tone changes in both text and communication, when the person begins a talk with I want to talk to you about something, before understanding or knowing what the person is about to tell me, I freak out and immediately create hypothetical situations in mind.
The above instance is not even the ones, to begin with. There is so much more. I feel very stressed out and tensed for the tiniest things of life.
I think about the future way too often in the night because nights have always known to be the embodiment for dreadful and serious thinking and thoughts.
I love my mom, dad and my grandparents way too much, I don’t think I can function without them. They are a huge part of my world, they are my world and if anything happens to them, it breaks my whole system. My whole universe would shatter into an infinite number of pieces and since I am the only child, that thought of being alone scares me a lot because I will have no one to call as my own.
Who will I run to if I want to talk to about the tiniest happiest moments of life?
Who will I run too if I want to burst out and cry?
Who will advise me when I am insecure and broken?
My mother is the one that I possibly cannot live without. Every day I live in constant fear of her leaving me. It is something that I can’t imagine and when I do, the future does not look right. I see a world dark and broken.
Like these many thoughts rush through my mind.
I think of past instances on how I have been mean to people and how I could go back and change it all. I think about the mistakes I have done and the big truths I have hidden from my family and friends (ps: to my best friends, I haven’t done much wrong to them, but I think I am wrong, but to other friends, I have and god I wish I could go back and reverse many moments.)
I wish I could change it all and live without that guilt in me. That’s the thing about guilt. You have no idea on when it’s going to come and creep up on you. It never leaves your side.
I have gone through that lane way too many times and still am. To one of my friend, I had promised to stay with her during the vacations but I failed to do my promise at the very last moment because I needed to go back and see my family because I was missing them way too much and I nearly cried every day because of not being with them. I left her alone. I know what I did was wrong and god, I wish I could have made a decision about it earlier and so suddenly.
But, you know those moments right? Am I a bad person? I honestly don’t know anymore. I do regret leaving her but at the same time, I just had to come back to just be myself and be with them. It was getting too much and I knew I would just break soon. I had to do something before I got damaged real bad, but that still doesn’t function as a good reason for leaving her. God….
The nights I have had thinking about this every single time has made me sleepless and just blame myself too much.
Like that, many such instances have come up, not betraying ones. The embarrassing ones I could have avoided and me still furiously thinking about it.
Then there are those ones where my entire life comes to a question. I have a theory about life. Its absurd and I know it. I have told people this and they just look at me in a very weird way.
So here goes my theory, I think that I am in a deep sleep/choma or probably dead and this life that I am living is probably a creation of my mind, I might have created these characters and accurate details of life or I know these characters from before. I don’t know.
Sometimes this theory makes a lot of sense.
So when I actually go to sleep, what about the dreams I have? They must be well created and thought too or it’s just me taking a well-deserved break. Dreams within dreams within dreams. I honestly question everything.
I don’t act on it a lot but my mind sure does.
( This theory has not been inspired by inception before, I saw Inception recently, like a few days back, this theory had been stuck with me through thick and thin since 11th grade. Maybe i might have seen Inception in an alternate universe or maybe in one of my dreams. God I am not so sure but am sure. )
Majority of the times, trying to doze off and sleep proves to be a difficult task because of the numerous countless thoughts that I have.
One thought leads to another and it is an endless vicious loop. How I get myself to sleep is by creating stories and fantasies in my mind. It proves to be a hell lot of effective because I have no idea on when idea and how I came to sleep. I love sleeping tho, I could spend hours and hours sleeping. It’s a beautiful activity.
You know when going to sleeping is an easy task? It is an easy task when you are too tired and exhausted and you hit the bed and you just fall asleep. Those are the best kinds of well-deserved sleep to ever exist.
I think about my past moments a lot, especially the ones that made me sad and happy. I tend to think about just living in those happy moments forever and not leaving that world ever. I wish I could do that but life and reality sure do have its way of sailing in rough seas. Sometimes, I feel I am way too stuck in the past and sometimes, overthinking about the future.
There are those very few moments that I have lived in the moment but at some of those moments, I overthink about how it is going to end soon and always wished it would last for long. I am truly happy in the moments that I get but I can’t help but wonder on how it could have lasted longer.
Right now as I am writing this, I am in the second month of my four-month vacation from uni and can’t help but pray every time for the vacation to go as slow as possible because I don’t want it to end and I am not ready for it to end.
I try to spend as much time as possible with my mom but sometimes you know, Netflix and then time just flashes by and I feel I have not spent enough time with her and my friends.
The thing is when I am at home with them, I know they are with me and I don’t need that constant need to stick with her throughout and talk because she is there in this very air as me, it’s when I am closer to leaving, it hits me on why I didn’t spend that much time but then now, it’s different. It’s all too different.
Overthinking every aspect of life gets dreadful.
Back in uni, my parents always make sure I have enough money for food and for expenditures and in certain cases, I have spent a lot of money unnecessarily without thinking on the hard work my dad does to earn and send me that money, which makes certain people think I am way too rich but I am not that rich. Yes, we have money but what people don’t understand is that my dad works way too hard for that and right now, he is having some crisis, and god how I wish I could help him.
Despite all that, they make sure to never complete all my wishes and they have always given me the good life despite the hard lives they live through every second of their day especially my mother.
Every night, I think about the remarks that I am too rich and I wish I could tell people that it’s not how they think it is. They have put their entire life savings into my education and have gone in debts and yes I spend quite a bit, and I see why people make that statement but it just gets to me when that remark is every single time.
My mom and dad have given me the best life and that’s why they send me the money, they don’t want to see me upset. It’s not that they have too much money to give, it’s that they will do anything for me and sometimes I have taken way too much advantage of that.
I have lived life adjusting and I know I can adjust to some things but also not some of it. Very few people know some things about me and I wish I could be more open.
I always think about my future and my goals, I don’t tell it to many people, only to people I am close to, and it’s my dream/mission/goal to show my mom the world and make her live with me because she has done so much for me and I want my mom to be the happiest person ever.
Back in uni, I always wonder on what has happened to the real me that makes me me and on how I still find it hard to express and open myself up despite the good friends I have.
I still can’t give that realness to them. I am not being fake. I have just become way too shut off and I wasn’t like that. I just don’t talk much because sometimes I feel people would just overpower me and like I don’t know. So when I am back home, I just am happy because I get to be me again.
I am not entirely saying that I am not me, there are just a certain few aspects that I think won’t change.
These are the thoughts that come to my mind every single time.
( UPDATE: There are some things that have changed now, but I am not sure yet which of them. So I am taking my time to learn.
Publishing this post suddenly made me get my closure about certain things with myself. I feel a bit better, relieved and happy. )