Breathing in.

” Never had I thought that the scents I would breathe in would someday become the dire drug my body needed in order to exist and often be used to rejuvenate myself back to life. This was that drug that needed to be taken in your life quite often to know that good and joy still exists. It’s a holy blessing.”

 

Disclaimer: Experiences might differ from one indivdiual to another

It was a normal day. Nothing ordinary out of the blue was going to make an entrance into my life.

Dad was coming back from Kerala, after his short visit. So the whole morning was dedicated to his coming. Mom finishing all her jobs in a panic and hurry was a sight my heavy heart had to witness every day. This routine was the usual dose a morning in this household could have. So far, no screams had been hurled because it was just the two of us for now.

I took my morning shower and then proceeded to help my mom ease the panic and the tension. So the first task of the day was to put the old newspapers out for recycling.

Taking the papers in my hand, as soon as I stepped out of the flat, the scent of the corridors eased my panic and helped me relax.

I was happy, I was the nostalgia happy.

For a brief moment, a short movie based on my memory of the happy days in Kerala played. The scent of the corridors took me back to the mornings of Kerala, at my mother’s place.

It started with a house beside the lake. Early mornings, I could hear the temple sermons and songs. That was how the small town woke up.

Later in the day, I could hear the birds chirp and that’s how I woke up. The curtains danced along to the wind, the sun rays lighted up the room and the breezy cold wind woke me up. This alarm clock was one of the world’s best invention and creation. It was my secret and also that of the town’s. It was solely ours.

My morning started with the scent of the warm milk my grandmother made for me.

Then later, the house was filled with the scent of flowers especially of Jasmine’s. We had a small garden at the back, so when we left the back doors open, the smell of that small garden and of the green plot would make its way into the house.

Soon, later in the day, my grandmother’s cooking would take up the scent of the air and it was one of the holiest smell I could ever remember.

Then as the morning events proceded, each scent would follow and arise from different tasks.

The washing of clothes and hanging it on the open terrace had a different smell of its own. I loved every aspect of it. Whilst hanging out the clothes on the terrace, I was gifted with the view of seeing my small town at it’s best every day till I left.

We always came during the monsoon reason, so when it rained. It was a bliss and an escape from the summer heat of Dubai.

When it rained, the drops that would hit the green trees, plants and leaves had a very pleasant smell of its own. The earthy smell when the rain poured down is a wonderful feeling and emotion. The raindrops danced on the roof and provided music to everyone’s ears.

Going through the events of the day, different smells and scents would fill up my nose and my mind.

The days of Kerala always carried the best scents and memories.

That was the end of the corridor whiff.

Now as I stepped into the house, another scent masked the house.

The scent of nostalgia masked again, something unexplained. Another array of nostalgic experiences masked me again.

The old memories of Dubai and Kerala, the memories of my family was dug deep from beneath my heart and was played in my mind.

The early mornings of school flashed through my mind, my mom getting ready to come along with me to bid a nice goodbye when I step on to the school bus. Then would come the afternoon where the fresh smell of my mother’s food would mask the entire house.

The afternoon naps, the tutions, the night rides and walks also decided to make its way into the movie being played in my head.

Then the good memories of the weekend also made its entry. Early morning fresh Agarbathi’s lighted by my dad and a nice temple song to wake me up.

It always fascinated me on how certain scents and smells could trigger some of the deepest fresh memories rooted in my mind.

What I have always liked about this entire process and creation was that none of the bad memories and events that took place in my entire life made even the slightest of guest experience in this head of mine when these scents evoked my memories. This was one of those experiences that had pure goodness and only contained happiness in them.

Later then, I would start missing it all but I was happy that I had these to cherish and they were only mine to be. I was happy and grateful that all of it happened.

How can those same whiffs of scents be recreated when I am at a place far far away from the source? How can these scents be recreated? Why do these scents play back those memories? How and why are always the two questions I have and I have never found a clear answer to it till this day.

This intrigues me.

Despite all my doubts and quests for an answer, The world is a wonder and so is the universe and the galaxy.

These are some of the mysterious workings of the world that I like and would always want as my constant wherever my life takes me and at any age.

 

Figuring out the stages.

I have met quite a fair share of people in my life and there are many more of them to discover and unravel.

Everything, everyone and I make me think. Do I know people? Have I figured it out?

Down below are stages that I have written about the factors present in my life. An advice to myself and to the world.

Let’s introduce the characters on the stage as we go. We are going with the flow folks. 

 

Let’s start with family and the whole lot that comes with it.

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( PS: Notice how I am using a perfect family picture, it’s because I couldn’t find families that want to rip your heads off. Even the internet is being my enemy by showing me perfect families. )

Family, you got it, You got to accept them for who they are. Nothing you can do about it, atleast in your friendships, you can choose who you wanna be with friends with but with family, you can’t choose that.

I love my family, don’t get me wrong. However there are certain attributes that I wish I could change about them.

This perfect family in American Sitcoms is what that’s ruining me and altering my perception. Always wanted that kind of family and still hoping to.

I have learnt a lot from parents and infact from them, I have learnt the do’s and dont’s of parenting. They inspire to be better parents and to have a good family. ( The reasons are for the best and for the absoulte worst. )

Then comes certain cousins and relatives. Why are they like that? Why can’t they be proud of your achievemnts and not wanna bring you down? Why do they wanna sabatoge everything in life? Why have they been made like that? I have relatives who simply cannot be happy for anyone and they just have to ruin everything. Why do some of them have to be the absolute worst crackheads?

Lesson learnt: Family is complicated and complex. Sometimes it can get a heck load of dysfunctional and sometimes you are going to be a crack head. That’s what family does to you. But I still love them. Sometimes you can also hate your family. It differs from people to people.

Also family doesn’t have to be defined by blood relationships. Anyone can be family. I haven’t found that type of family yet but someday, I hope to find that.

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Moving on with friends.

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It’s a lesson I am trying to learn, not every friendship lasts that long, there are going to be changes and if you are wlling to work through it, it’s great, but sometimes if it just vanishes and you guy’s arent as closed as you used to be, its alright. It’s okay. It will take time and you might wonder what you did wrong or what happened?

But that’s life. People change, friendships change.

On a more happier note, I know you are going to find more friends, more ever lasting long friendships. Don’t worry about it. There is a certain time for a certain friendship and be glad that it happened. Don’t let that put you down. Those great memories will always be there and there is nothing that can take you away from that.

And if you are still friends with your friends from school and uni, that’s great and I am glad that it has happened for you and for me!!

I have learnt that as you grow up, you become selecctive of your friends and that is true. It’s not that anything is wrong with you, sometime’s its just that and there is nothing you can do. You can be more open to finding new friendships but if it doesnt make you happy or you think that it affects you in any sort of bad manner, then you know it’s not worth it.

Lesson learnt: There are some friendships meant to be and not meant to be.

 

The thing down below is for some of the people I know….

I know that we all are way far ahead from the word “perfect”, but why are there humans that simply want to see you upset and in sadness. What joys do you get in ruining people’s lives? I am sorry to say you are one of the worst people to ever exist. There is still time to change so why can’t you?

 

Coming to me

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I love to do quizzes online and I am absolutely keen on them, but there is one thing about them that puts me on an edge. It’s the question of what quality do you think you have or lead with or what quality your friend thinks is the best/dominant in you.

Questions like these make me pause and rethink everything about myself. Every quality that I think I have, had or is nonexistent burst open in me.

I have this version of myself in my mind that I think I am, some very few selective people get it to see it and to others lie another side of me that is real but also not completely authentic and real, or so I think?

What if that non authentic and less real was the real me but that doesn’t bring me a 100% happiness and joy to myself, so that option is cut out.

I have this whole version of me in my head. I know I am the person who knows how to have fun only in the comfort of people that I really love and can be myself with. For a matter of fact, I know when I shut off that’s in the presence of people I aint that comforable with, I talk less, I shut myself off because well I dont feel the it factor.

I can be quite the introvert and the extrovert. More of an introvert and also an ambivert. I like that. It might change as times passes by, but for now I am alright with it. But the bigger question still remains, what qualities/traits do I possess, the qualities/traits that are in the human code of conduct? How do I define myself?

Many of the times, defining myself in a set of words/sentences proves to be impossible and a mind numbing task. I am in loss of words for certain adjective traits. I do know some of them but what if other people think that to be false? Should I care? At most times, I tend not to, but I also do.

But I do know that exists certain traits about me, even if the world disagrees, I know that it not to be true because I believe so in myself.

Lesson trying to be learnt: So as of now, I am close to figuring it out, but then new stuff keeps coming along the way.  It’s okay if you havent figured it out or you can’t define yourself in a set of stringed words. I guess you just keep discovering more and more about yourself as time passes by. You learn a lot, you change a lot, there are a lot of lot’s basically.

You are and might differ from time to time. You are going to go through a lot of things.

Just remember, someday. It will all end soon, so try to do the best you can and try to live the best you can because you live only once.

( PS: I do believe in reincarnation, but that’s an other whole complicated topic of discussion, you just live life now.)

The world

There are millions of people out there in this world. They are different.

Some might shock you, some might intrigue you, some might scare you. You are going to get a lot of emotions and feel a lot of things from this world and people in it. Some people probably are the way they want to be and it might hurt you or bring you joy.

That adventure is out for you to discover. I haven’t been on that adventure quite fully yet, but I am hoping to be or have I already been on it.

I think we all are unique and different in certain and many ways.

This is intriguing now….

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Lesson learnt: The world is a teacher and you are a student of it. The roles can also be switched if you want them to be. The world works in the most mysterious and intriguing ways as possible.

 

The finale

So why have people been made the way they are? Why have I been made this way?

Circumstances, family, life, friendships, the stories/movies/music that they listen to and have become obessed with, passions, the past, the present, the future, the people in it, the society, The World.

I have been watching a lot of movies, scrolling through my phone, reading a lot of books,  spending time with family and friends, talking to people, listening to music, observing the world and it’s stories.

Each of the above task has a quest and a story in itself. I am trying to learn and understand more about the people in this world and why. I love talking to people, not the regular talks, the talks that intrigue the world and me, theories and more. I like listenting to stories of people and what they have to say.

I am eager to live life and move through the stories and stages that life has in store for me.

Lesson learnt: The possibilites are endless or so. You are going to go through a lot, learn a lot and feel a lot more. There are still many more lessons to be learnt.

 

 

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Thoughts from the days

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Just the other day, life and my mind got me thinking.

Was I going to be stuck with this same face throughout my life? I see other people evolving and changing and here I am, still stuck with the face that has changed but not so distinctively, I can assume.

How do other people go through such changes? Like what do they do, how? Is it genes or some special talent that you require, or is it luck, fate, destiny or life what and how did it happen?

What features have changed on an overall basis? I have grown taller, my face has changed quite a bit, but not like how movies, actors, actresses and people show, I haven’t gone through that exuberant change.

I kind of am worried that this face would be stuck with me till I grow old. What a terrifying yet weird thought.

I would like this face to change just like how I change mentally. Wait, I don’t want my face to change constantly to my personality or match the demeanor of my character. This is proving to be a lot harder than I expected.

I don’t know if I am insecure about my appearance, I probably am but I am happy with what I am. Well, there are those sudden days where I would love to change some parts of myself.

What I mean to say is, it would be nice to go through that whole makeover scene. The American movie cliche. Those always seem really fun to me. Probably in an alternate universe from other universes, I must be going through that change now.

But I am happy with what I got. But I am a human, always wishing for more and more. If I would have got that more and more? Would I stop wishing for more? Well, I need to get that more and more in order to find out.

The above might make me sound like a complete douche, and I wouldn’t blame you.

But the more and more I wish for are wishes/answers/solutions related to problems I have in life. Don’t we all? A life with everything provided. A life we always wanted. Even for a brief moment, to live that life would be grateful. A moment to be remembered for eternity.

But what would life be without all those struggles we have gone through and are yet to face? These struggles and this life we live go into the makings of defining who we are and why we have become or what we needed to be. 

Are these problems in our life tasks? One task gets over, another one starts. It shares the same outlook on the word problem, but a bit less negative than the original term, “problem”.

Placing your confusing thoughts into words is not an easy task.

So, that’s it for today’s thoughts from the days. 

I think and feel way too much.

( This blog has been written long before, This could be a little throwback. A piece based on the workings of the mind in me.)

I think I am an over-thinker. It certainly does not have its perks.

I tend to over think about every situation I have or will be in, every comment I have made, ever mistake that I have done, why people don’t reply to me on time, why the tone changes in both text and communication, when the person begins a talk with I want to talk to you about something, before understanding or knowing what the person is about to tell me, I freak out and immediately create hypothetical situations in mind.

The above instance is not even the ones, to begin with. There is so much more. I feel very stressed out and tensed for the tiniest things of life.

I think about the future way too often in the night because nights have always known to be the embodiment for dreadful and serious thinking and thoughts.

I love my mom, dad and my grandparents way too much, I don’t think I can function without them. They are a huge part of my world, they are my world and if anything happens to them, it breaks my whole system. My whole universe would shatter into an infinite number of pieces and since I am the only child, that thought of being alone scares me a lot because I will have no one to call as my own.

Who will I run to if I want to talk to about the tiniest happiest moments of life?

Who will I run too if I want to burst out and cry?

Who will advise me when I am insecure and broken?

My mother is the one that I possibly cannot live without. Every day I live in constant fear of her leaving me. It is something that I can’t imagine and when I do, the future does not look right. I see a world dark and broken.

Like these many thoughts rush through my mind.

I think of past instances on how I have been mean to people and how I could go back and change it all. I think about the mistakes I have done and the big truths I have hidden from my family and friends (ps: to my best friends, I haven’t done much wrong to them, but I think I am wrong, but to other friends, I have and god I wish I could go back and reverse many moments.)

I wish I could change it all and live without that guilt in me. That’s the thing about guilt. You have no idea on when it’s going to come and creep up on you. It never leaves your side.

I have gone through that lane way too many times and still am. To one of my friend, I had promised to stay with her during the vacations but I failed to do my promise at the very last moment because I needed to go back and see my family because I was missing them way too much and I nearly cried every day because of not being with them. I left her alone. I know what I did was wrong and god, I wish I could have made a decision about it earlier and so suddenly.

But, you know those moments right? Am I a bad person? I honestly don’t know anymore. I do regret leaving her but at the same time, I just had to come back to just be myself and be with them. It was getting too much and I knew I would just break soon. I had to do something before I got damaged real bad, but that still doesn’t function as a good reason for leaving her. God….

The nights I have had thinking about this every single time has made me sleepless and just blame myself too much.

Like that, many such instances have come up, not betraying ones. The embarrassing ones I could have avoided and me still furiously thinking about it.

Then there are those ones where my entire life comes to a question. I have a theory about life. Its absurd and I know it. I have told people this and they just look at me in a very weird way.

So here goes my theory, I think that I am in a deep sleep/choma or probably dead and this life that I am living is probably a creation of my mind, I might have created these characters and accurate details of life or I know these characters from before. I don’t know.

Sometimes this theory makes a lot of sense.

So when I actually go to sleep, what about the dreams I have? They must be well created and thought too or it’s just me taking a well-deserved break. Dreams within dreams within dreams. I honestly question everything.

I don’t act on it a lot but my mind sure does.

( This theory has not been inspired by inception before, I saw Inception recently, like a few days back, this theory had been stuck with me through thick and thin since 11th grade. Maybe i might have seen Inception in an alternate universe or maybe in one of my dreams. God I am not so sure but am sure. )

Majority of the times, trying to doze off and sleep proves to be a difficult task because of the numerous countless thoughts that I have.

One thought leads to another and it is an endless vicious loop. How I get myself to sleep is by creating stories and fantasies in my mind. It proves to be a hell lot of effective because I have no idea on when idea and how I came to sleep. I love sleeping tho, I could spend hours and hours sleeping. It’s a beautiful activity.

You know when going to sleeping is an easy task? It is an easy task when you are too tired and exhausted and you hit the bed and you just fall asleep. Those are the best kinds of well-deserved sleep to ever exist.

I think about my past moments a lot, especially the ones that made me sad and happy. I tend to think about just living in those happy moments forever and not leaving that world ever. I wish I could do that but life and reality sure do have its way of sailing in rough seas. Sometimes, I feel I am way too stuck in the past and sometimes, overthinking about the future.

There are those very few moments that I have lived in the moment but at some of those moments, I overthink about how it is going to end soon and always wished it would last for long. I am truly happy in the moments that I get but I can’t help but wonder on how it could have lasted longer.

Right now as I am writing this, I am in the second month of my four-month vacation from uni and can’t help but pray every time for the vacation to go as slow as possible because I don’t want it to end and I am not ready for it to end.

I try to spend as much time as possible with my mom but sometimes you know, Netflix and then time just flashes by and I feel I have not spent enough time with her and my friends.

The thing is when I am at home with them, I know they are with me and I don’t need that constant need to stick with her throughout and talk because she is there in this very air as me, it’s when I am closer to leaving, it hits me on why I didn’t spend that much time but then now, it’s different. It’s all too different.

Overthinking every aspect of life gets dreadful.

Back in uni, my parents always make sure I have enough money for food and for expenditures and in certain cases, I have spent a lot of money unnecessarily without thinking on the hard work my dad does to earn and send me that money, which makes certain people think I am way too rich but I am not that rich. Yes, we have money but what people don’t understand is that my dad works way too hard for that and right now, he is having some crisis, and god how I wish I could help him.

Despite all that, they make sure to never complete all my wishes and they have always given me the good life despite the hard lives they live through every second of their day especially my mother.

Every night, I think about the remarks that I am too rich and I wish I could tell people that it’s not how they think it is. They have put their entire life savings into my education and have gone in debts and yes I spend quite a bit, and I see why people make that statement but it just gets to me when that remark is every single time.

My mom and dad have given me the best life and that’s why they send me the money, they don’t want to see me upset. It’s not that they have too much money to give, it’s that they will do anything for me and sometimes I have taken way too much advantage of that.

I have lived life adjusting and I know I can adjust to some things but also not some of it. Very few people know some things about me and I wish I could be more open.

I always think about my future and my goals, I don’t tell it to many people, only to people I am close to, and it’s my dream/mission/goal to show my mom the world and make her live with me because she has done so much for me and I want my mom to be the happiest person ever.

Back in uni, I always wonder on what has happened to the real me that makes me me and on how I still find it hard to express and open myself up despite the good friends I have.

I still can’t give that realness to them. I am not being fake. I have just become way too shut off and I wasn’t like that. I just don’t talk much because sometimes I feel people would just overpower me and like I don’t know. So when I am back home, I just am happy because I get to be me again.

I am not entirely saying that I am not me, there are just a certain few aspects that I think won’t change.

These are the thoughts that come to my mind every single time.

( UPDATE:  There are some things that have changed now, but I am not sure yet which of them. So I am taking my time to learn.

Publishing this post suddenly made me get my closure about certain things with myself. I feel a bit better, relieved and happy. )

A bad week

Based on a true story. This piece is inspired by recent events. The events below might not be of any big issue for everyone out there, but we all have problems and for me, this is pretty big. It all depends on one’s persepctive and the mind.

Starting from 5th August 2018, this week has been a very bad one. A week to remember. A week that now belongs to my history of bad times. A week filled with mishaps, sadness, tears, agonizing pain and loss.

Sunday morning, the 5th started with a fuss over a movie and somehow ultimately lead to me spraining my neck and being in dire agonizing pain. The day I became upset and how some things were more valuable than others.

The next day, a hangout and sleepover with my dear friend who I meet once in a blue moon, the day started out really well, ended on an extremely bad note with me losing my phone, the phone that has captured my whole life and work. A phone that wasn’t more than a year old. A phone that was very dear to me.

The guilt and sadness consumed me, times were tough and this week has not been easy in any manner.

The only good thing that happened was watching my favorite actor who I love and adore so much make his Bollywood Debut in a movie called Karwaan. For those 2 hours, he made me forget all my worries and I was the happiest person alive. Made me smile and forget my worries. Dulquer Salmaan.

Then I was snapped back into reality again, but I felt better than before. Even the tiniest ray of a good moment is enough to make your day be a bit better.

What was the point of this week? What was it trying to establish here? What good did all the bad things do? What lesson have I learned? I wonder why it all happened and I get upset all over again.

From my perspective, and based on my outlook and that of my parent’s, sometimes bad things need to happen, not because of the good things that are going to come, sometimes it needs to happen for you to learn something.

Sometimes, you need the bad things in your life to be aware of how life is not all ideal just because you have been having a good time recently.

Sometimes you need that big blow/thud to get hold of you and teach you something, or maybe you needed it.

Before the major mishap happened with my phone, my mom read my horoscope which stated that I had to be very careful this week as this week would be “quite the bad week” and boy oh boy, it has proved that.

I always have been a believer in horoscopes. Today, I read that I could be overly concerned with what’s wrong and I shouldn’t let mistakes or errors like these to take too much of my time. As always, it surprised me and I was shooketh.

What have I learned?

So that’s what I am trying to do, trying to not let my mind get consumed by whatever has happened. It’s hard to not let it go. It’s hard for my mind to help but not wander at the same corner of destruction and replay and live through everything that went wrong. My parents consoled and told me it was okay and mistakes happen. After all, we are just humans, God’s creation, in this big world.

It’s hard to follow that advice until it has not happened with you, but as I said or so the world has said, that is life.

Things happen, we have to move on. If we ponder on what’s wrong with everything in our life, we might only have time for that and not for things or goals that matter to us. Time is a tricky rascal and a weird friend. Sometimes, all you need is time and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you have praises for it and at times, you throw around curses at it. That’s the same thing as life.

I still can’t help but wonder why.

Thus, this was a mistake and I am trying to move on. Things look promising and sometimes not. Go with the flow, be careful and learn from it. Try not to ponder and get upset over it. It’s hard but you have to try. There are good and bad things out there. So, learn and embrace it. It does shape who you are and your mind.

Move on. This ain’t that bad because there are things much worse yet to come. Things much worse have happened and you have come through it. So, let time take care of this and you take care of your mind.

Bye for now.

 

I am upset

July 30th, 2018 Monday, 9:55pm 

I am upset.

Yesterday, July 29th was the happiest day of my entire existence. I met my all time favorite actor and person who I deeply love and admire, Dulquer Salmaan, it was one of the most indescribable feelings ever, but that’s for another post. (That’s going to be a pretty huge one.)

Woke up at 6:30 in the morning, because well I slept early and daydreamed and woke up hungry because I didn’t eat anything after I met him or before I met him. So I was only surviving on half a meal on the day I met him. There lies the reason that woke me up, Hunger.

The day started with eating leftover KFC, checking out how many likes and comments I got, replied to each and every one of them.

A few hours into the day, I see a text in my social group that bothered and managed to break me from my most magical trance and awe of still meeting him. Initially, I thought my friends didn’t get and understand how huge of a deal it is to me, but then I came to an understanding that, there are problems that are big and your friends need you to be there. Reality came back to kick me again. All I wanted was for a day to be still stuck in that trance but that got cut short, but yet that trance and that feeling would always stay with me.

I know they understood it, just the moment and timing of all this was wrong. But somewhere deep in my heart, the feeling couldn’t be shaken off.

Sometimes, even the most magical, special and wondrous moments of your life can just break in a matter of seconds and you need to be okay with it. You deserve to feel upset and angry but remember,

Sometimes, it’s not all about you and your big moment, because there are problems happening with family, good friends and the world, and you need to be there and care for them despite how much you crave it all. You need to be the bigger person in that big mind of yours filled with many other opinions and voices saying you not to do and care for yourself. Don’t do it for others, do it for yourself. They have done it for you, now it’s your time.

Sometimes, you can’t use that as an excuse or go back into that protective cocoon of that moment. You need to face it and realize that moment will always stay with you but life will move on and if you choose to get stuck in that moment for too long, you might not catch up with life and might miss out on something important.

Sometimes you need all the help you can and sometimes despite all the help or no help, you need to face your stories and experiences alone.

Sometimes, the fundamental laws of baisc human nature and the laws you have made needs to be broken.

Sometimes.

I knew it wasn’t gonna last, but it was good and extremely beautiful while it lasted.

Then my day moved forward. I listened to my friend’s problems, I understood the pain and hardships my friend was facing and I understood why everything I experienced today had to happen. It was a lesson and a reminder in many ways.

The world is not as it seems, its a trick and a puzzle left for you to solve, you have to figure it all out, you can have help, but it’s you that needs to play the game of life.

Later, I caught up with my friend, talking to her felt great and well she has taught me a lot. Talking to her was the highlight of my day. That was a happy moment in my day. It’s been so long since talking to her, so when I talked to her, it felt fucking great. She understood how much the whole experience of meeting Dulquer meant to me and she could relate it as well because for her love for Beyonce. So, talking to her, I was able to once again bathe in the trance and the awestriking wonder for some time.

Later, much later into the day, I talked to my other friend who had the problem and learned a few things from her.

As night approached, that was when I officially claimed the title of being upset and sad. I can’t seem to catch a break, huh.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to go for a premiere for the movie, Cristopher Robin, and I was eagerly hoping for my dad to take me to the movie, but well at the last moment, life happened, job obligations, plans change.

I understand how difficult it is for him and the struggles he has to go through. Every single day, that fear does not leave me. Seeing him tensed, anxious and stressed every day is how my day always goes. When I am far away from them, it faded away but still keeps playing like a song that is stuck forever on loop. On top of that, other problems by him.

I know it’s selfish for me to still want my father to take me to the movie, but him dropping me there gives me a boost of confidence and well I did not want to be alone and lonely. I wanted him to be there and hug me. I just wanted him there.

My mom offered to accompany me a numerous amount of times, and trust me I wanted to say YES, but I didn’t want her to be all alone after I left, she is an innocent woman and well not familiar with the metro and everything. So whilst I was in the movie, I couldn’t bear the thought of my mom all alone sitting out in a corner in the big mall, So I said no but she still kept asking me and my answer still remained a firm no.

So I have learned that sometimes there are times and moments in life where you need to do things alone, despite the help you are going to get. If I would have said Yes to her request, what would I do the next time? I can’t always expect one of them especially my mom to be around.

So, I am learning. It’s really hard and trusts me, I want to give up, but I need to do this for myself.

And let alone this, my mother confides in me and shares some pretty upsetting news. Mahn, I really couldn’t seem to catch a break.

I am trying to get rid of this sadness, so I have decided to watch a movie, but couldn’t focus my mind on anything until I got it all out.

I didn’t want to upset my mom by telling all this, despite the number of times she has asked me why I was upset. Mothers, they know everything. Just watching my facial expressions, she understood that I was upset, but after a firm number of no’s, I think she finally understood to let it go. Or I might cry it all out in the night whilst hugging my mom and her comforting me.

I did say, I am trying to be strong, not greatly trying or succeeding, but still trying and learning.

I want to end this by quoting some lines of Riley Matthews from Girl Meets World from an episode Girl Meets Gravity. I don’t know if this contradicts the entire life lesson that I have just put for myself, but I felt it needed to be put in to remind myself and the world out there this one thing.

Riley Matthews: “The sun doesn’t go around the Earth. We are the ones moving. We orbit the sun because we need it. We need its light and its heat. And if it wasn’t there, we’d be dark and alone. We think that we are the center of the universe, but the truth is… we need to circle the ones we love for as long as they’re here. We need to hold them close because no matter how far we travel, they are the ones who hold us in place. It’s gravity, and without it, we’d just all float away from each other. We are not kings at all. We are just tiny little specs. That’s from “Our Town”, my father’s favorite play. Just for a moment, we’re all together. Let’s really look at one another.”

So, I guess what I am trying to say is we need to be there selves for each other and for ourselves. There are sometimes where we need to prioritize ourselves and there are sometimes where we need to prioritize our family, our friends, and the world. We should know when to do it. You can choose the way, there is always a choice and the consequences and the actions depend on that choice. It’s not a perfect world filled with perfect people.  The only thing you can choose is how you deal with it.

That wasn’t so hard after all, I guess I just needed to write everything down from scratch, read it and gain some perspective. On the contrary, it was kind of hard going through this whole process, sorting and understanding, but well it’s worth it and I got a life lesson out of it.

 

So, this comes to an end. I kind of feel better from my previous state, but still, can’t shake that big cloud of sadness pouring down on me. I really should get to my movie before it’s too late to start watching and then unwind down by some sleep and probably some really nice dreams cause I am in dire need of it.

I am upset -> I am becoming alright

 

The End

( I am not putting a full stop yet because my story and life don’t end here. Life has a lot to teach and offer. So I am looking forward to it and also not. It’s a long open-ended journey that I am scared and nervous about but can’t wait to explore, uncover and discover. It’s going to be a journey filled with different stories, emotions and feelings.)

Teaching and joys.

July 17th, Tuesday, 10:38 pm

It all happened as I was watching Star Wars: Episode 5- The Empire Strikes Back. It all happened in the blink of an eye. The question was popped up after a few moments the movie began.

A few moments into the movie, my mom pokes at me and tells, “my friend, asked me if I was on Instagram”, and well it got her thinking and finally, the moment happened!!

She asked me to make an account for her and teach all the basics and tricks. I have been begging and nagging my mom on making an account on Instagram and finally, that day has come!!

God how elated I was!! I was over the moon!!

I dropped everything all at once and went on to help her in this mission.

The joy and the curious look on my mother’s face was the world to me and my heart melted with joy and overwhelming cuteness when I saw my mother trying to learn the world and how everything she loved was in one platform.

We took it a step by step. I taught her all the basic functions of what each thing does. We followed all her favorite actors and things that she loved. We followed her friends as well. She was extremely happy and delighted.

A quick learner, in fact, she is. ( PS: Why does this sound like something Yoda would say? :} )

It was cute on how she got scared when she saw new follow requests. She looked up to me and told in a cute childlike manner that she got scared and did not know what to do.

At that moment, I felt like the mother in our dynamic and told her to be calm, think, and only be friends with people who she knows. I held her hand, kissed her forehead and told this was all a part of the process.

This learning process continues tomorrow as well.

I find her curiosity and surprise adorable and god in moments like these, I understand that there is so much out in the world that is new to her and I can’t wait to be the person to introduce her to all of it.

Every now and then, she checks on her phone, laughs, and giggles at the posts she sees. I can’t help but be softened by this.

Is this how feeling proud and happy feels? I think so.

My heart is all fuzzy and warm. It feels nice. Was this how all my mentors felt when they taught and shared knowledge?

I guess it differs to everyone. Like Corey Matthews once said, Teachers are the foundations of this world. I do believe it, because behind every student, there has to be come teacher who inpsired them to take what they are doing now or or atleast they might have inspired them in some way or the other.

If not, I do understand it.

Moments like these make me happy and are what I live for. Moments like these reassure me, even if today was a simple and a basic task, teaching is what I want to do in the future.

It gives me joy, happiness and I can’t wait to impart knowledge and be that teacher who brings new ideas to the class. I already have planned a list on what kind of a teacher I wish to be and there are also a list of teachers who inspire me. I have always taught students and kids and I know I can be a good teacher. This topic is for another post, someday.

Right now, All my mind can even focus on are on my mom and her immense happiness!! I am so proud of her!!

Now I have got to get back to my movie and poor R2, I love that robot!! Yoda and R2 tho!! Hillarious!! I love Yoda, Gawsh I love the robots, Chewbacca, and Yoda so much!!

Farewell and until next time!!